Madonna wins a Golden Globe for her Masterpiece

Ooh, naughty Foreign Press Association. Could there be any more backhanded gesture than giving a prize to Madonna's movie WE - but for one of Madge's songs that sits on the soundtrack.

What makes it even worse - by which I mean delicious - is that Madonna is on record as having felt the music work was a distraction from her main role on the movie. She grumbled that doing the song took her focus on crushing the life out of the story:

"[Guy Oseary] harangued me for the entire time I was filming and editing my movie to write a song. And I said, 'Please, Guy, I'm trying to focus on being a director and I want people to pay attention to the film and I don't have time.'"

And here comes the Golden Globes, effectively handing Madonna a prize marked "don't give up the day job".

Gordon in the morning: Get out the way, Gordon, it's the Globes

Gordon's column has been bulldozed this morning, with large swathes of his online column being shoved aside to make room for Golden Globes coverage. Does this - reportage, with actual, checkable facts, really fit in the Bizarre column? If Gordon does have a regular readership for the sort of thing he usually does, why would you suddenly dump some news in front of them instead?

In the paper version of Bizarre, the big story is a claim that Leona Lewis and Justin Timberlake are going to "duet on Whitney's classic song". At least online Dolly Parton is given the proper credit for I Will Always Love You.

Meanwhile, in the latest churning Mrs Winehouse's Holiday coverage, Gordon is forced to embrace the News Of The World:

Amy told our sister paper the News Of The World: “Josh is handsome and clean and that’s what I love about him."

The Sun having to concede that it was scooped by the NOTW? That's going to hurt. Especially since Smart is now having to follow the Screws' line:

[Mitch Winehouse] will comfort Amy, 25, said to be distraught at his departure.

A source said: “She has been calling Mitch every day to tell him she is totally besotted.

Mitch wants him to know he will have their support.”

This is a bit of a swing from the way Gordon confidently informed his readers last Wednesday there was no romance between the pair.

Still, you can't go wrong with Globes coverage, can you? Alison Maloney files confidently:

SACHA BARON COHEN shocked the audience at the Golden Globes with gags about POSH, CHARLIE SHEEN and MADONNA.

Shocked, you say?

The Borat star, presenting the Best Comedy award, drew gasps as he said; “The recession is affecting all of us, even movie stars.

“VICTORIA BECKHAM hasn’t eaten for three weeks, Charlie Sheen has been forced to have sex without paying for it.

“And even Madonna has had to let one of her personal assistants go. Our thoughts go out to you, GUY RITCHIE!”

Isn't that one gag, rather than "gags"? And that really "shocked" people, did it? Perhaps Alison means it in the sense of 'shocked that his material was so thin'.

Snow globes

The Golden Globes finally turned up on British TV last night (on Living, of all channels - we presume this must be part of a deal under which UK Bright Ideas will show the Oscars) which meant we were finally able to see what a bloody shambles U2 were. Eminem has never been a young man to shy away from feeling life's dealt him a bad hand, but with their weedy little tune for Martin 'Joe 90 specs' Scorcese's Gangs of New York to have eclipsed 8 Mile in the tune awards, this time he's got good cause. And how on earth did Die Another Day get nominated for a music award?

Even shabbier though was when Bono bumbled on stage to read the citation of GoNY's best thing nomination - which, with all the panache of a PE teacher, he did (badly) from a crumpled sheet of A4 paper. When Mestipho came on stage, we were frankly staggered to hear that his appearance on stage had led to someone in this audience of Not Easily Impressed celebs actually whistling with joy and respect. Unfortunately for Mr. Vox, the producer cut quickly enough to show that the person delighted to see him was, um, The Edge.

Can we also say: Lara Flynn Boyle? If we were a star, we'd choose to wear a tutu too. That, surely, is the whole point of being a star?

Rocker's town revisited

Or, more accurately: Hoary Old Rock Anecdotes Revisited.

Listening to this morning's Today show, we cringed on behalf of the BBC's man at the Golden Globes. Trying to explain away the anti-climax of the awards not all going to British people - like the BBC had been predicting all weekend - he summoned up Albert Finney's prize for Best Portrayal of a British Prime Minister, and then said "And more good news for Britain - U2 won an award..."

Now, not only is Bono being given a prize in any sense good news, it took us right back to a tale Muriel Gray used to tell about her time as a presenter on the curiously revered Tube. In the hustle and bustle of live TV, U2 got slotted into British bands. By next post came a padded envelope containing the word "Irish" made out of used condoms. Underneath, in biro, someone had scrawled: "That's what U2 are, fuckers."