Band Aid 30: Or, keeping Emeli Sande busy

Could there be anything worse than the Band Aid 30 idea?

Oh, hang on...

Announcing the project, Bob Geldof and Midge Ure said the song's lyrics would be changed to reflect the Ebola crisis.

This does give the impression that Bob and Midge had this conversation earlier in the year:

- Hey, it's the 30th anniversary, we should definitely do a Band Aid 30
- Who is this?
- It's Midge
- Midge Who?
- This isn't a knock-knock joke
- Oh, Midge. Hang on... how did you get this number?
- Jools Holland
- Bloody Jools. Anyway, what did you want?
- Band Aid. Band Aid 30.
- Oh. Yeah... but is there an African crisis we can help with?
- Well, Syria's in Africa...
- [silence]
- Bob?
- [silence]
- Bob?
- [silence]
- Well, I'm sure something will turn up...

God knows how they'll change the lyrics - "It's Christmastime, that's no time to die from ebola/ At Christmastime, we let in light and we wash our hands properly/ And our world of plenty handwash/ We can scrub our fingers clean/ Throw your arms around the world/ After checking its temperature, of course..."

Geldof and Ure, who masterminded the first version, said the project was nothing to do with nostalgia.

Then why call it after Band Aid, and mark the 30th anniversary, and use the same song that was used 30 years ago?

So far, confirmed artists include U2's Bono, Chris Martin of Coldplay, Emeli Sande, Underworld, Sinead O'Connor, Paloma Faith, Foals and Bastille, who have given up two arena dates to record their contribution.

Who would have guessed that Bono would be involved, eh?

But don't think this an insular British thing:

Versions will also be recorded in France, Germany and the US. "Think Daft Punk. Think Johnny Hallyday," said Geldof.

Ah, Johnny Hallyday - Bob's finger-on-the-pulse understanding of the Francophone music scene is, clearly, second to none.

As ever: it's lovely to raise money for charity, but you can donate right now to the DEC Ebola fund, and we don't need to make Emeli Sande do any singing at all.

Emeli Sande returns to public life

You might have been worried about the recent non-appearance of Emeli Sande at public events. There was some concern she might have been extraordinarily rendered or something.

But she's emerged: Campaigning for West Cumberland Hospital:

The award-winning singer/songwriter publicly backed the cuts protest after visiting the county to see family, some of who live in west Cumbria. She used her Twitter account to express her support for the We Need West Cumberland Hospital campaign to her 1.2m followers.

Emeli Sande takes on Jeremy Hunt. At last, a Sande gig we can all get behind.

What is Emeli Sande up to these days?

In 2013 Emeli Sande would appear singing as soon as three or more people gathered, like a Magic FM version of the riot act.

This year, she's been quieter.

So, what's she up to these days?

Erm... she appears to have become the Arthur Daley of music, flogging cars down by the Thames:

Emeli Sandé performed at a secret location on the River Thames tonight (September 8), helping to unveil the [new car].

The singer played a 45-minute set, including a song titled 'Feels Like' which she created especially for the launch of the new vehicle.

But I know what you're wondering now - was there some sort of half-arsed social media campaign to launch the new car?

Using #FEELXE, the public shared words, pictures, sounds and films through Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Actually, it looks like mostly "the public" here means 'car dealerships, motoring journalists and PR people', but even DigitalSpy is struggling to find anything to say about it. That line is just 'there was a hashtag', isn't it?

The car is expensive. Part of what you're paying for is the cost of the sing-song by the Thames. But there was a hashtag.

Liam Gallagher buys some slippers

It's okay, Liam Gallagher, it's okay:

He said: ''[Rock groups like] Palma Violets don't do it for me, and I'm not having that Peace, man. There's something about them that's not my thing.

''It's sad out there man, There's nobody to have a pop at any more, which is very f***ing disturbing. I like Emeli f***ing Sande. I think she's cool man. Bruno Mars' new single is mega, that ballady one on the piano.''

You're a middle-aged man. It's alright, Liam.

Maybe if you started to make the music you like, rather than a half-arsed attempt to sound like the music you made when you were young, you might start to be more comfortable in yourself.

Look, Liam: Elasticated slacks. Why not make an order, Liam? Go on.

Ivors 2013: Winners in full

Earlier this week, I couldn't quite bring myself to type something that involved Emeli Sande, but fortified by strong coffee, I guess we should just have a look at what won this year's Ivors:

Best Contemporary Song

Pelican
Written by Sam Doyle, Rupert Jarvis, Orlando Weeks, Felix White and Hugo White
Published in the UK by BMG Chrysalis

PRS for Music Most Performed Work

Next to Me
Written by Hugo Chegwin, Harry Craze, Anup Paul and Emeli Sandé
Published in the UK by Naughty Words Ltd - Sony/ATV Music Publishing and Stellar Songs Ltd - EMI Music Publishing

Best Television Soundtrack

Lucian Freud: Painted Life
Composed by John Harle
Published in the UK by Chester Music

The Ivors Inspiration Award

Marc Almond

Album Award

An Awesome Wave
Written by Thomas Green, Joe Newman, Gwilym Sainsbury and
Augustus Unger-Hamilton
Published in the UK by Kobalt Music Publishing

The Ivors Classical Music Award

Errollyn Wallen MBE

PRS for Music Award for Outstanding Achievement

Justin Hayward

Best Original Film Score

Anna Karenina
Composed by Dario Marianelli
Published in the UK by Universal Music Publishing

Best Song Musically and Lyrically

Next to Me
Written by Hugo Chegwin, Harry Craze, Anup Paul and Emeli Sandé
Published in the UK by Naughty Words Ltd - Sony/ATV Music Publishing and Stellar Songs Ltd - EMI Music Publishing

International Achievement

Gavin Rossdale

Songwriter of the Year

Calvin Harris

Outstanding Song Collection

Noel Gallagher

PRS for Music Special International Award

Randy Newman

It does confirm what we'd been dimly aware of - that you couldn't switch on the TV without bloody Next To Me being on there; I would have hoped the awards had acknowledged that it takes about three hundred hearings before you actually realise you've heard it before.

Still, a prize for Randy Newman.



Yes. Yes. Yes.

Gordon in the morning: Corden in the morning

Have you ever wondered how James Corden prepares to present the Brits? Not 'why', that philosophical question will have to wait for another time, but 'how'?

Gordon knows:

He has about an hour’s kip and sits playing FIFA minutes before he’s called to deliver gags to boozed-up nominees and millions of TV viewers.

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/4803543/James-Corden-says-he-prepares-to-host-Brits-by-playing-FIFA.html#ixzz2LQKde4nJ

Judging by last year's show, he continues the kip through to roughly the Best International Female award.

Meanwhile, the point at which we can all return to everyday life tonight will be marked by Emeli Sande closing the awards.

Is this a rule now? Has some sort of law been passed that she has to take a key role in public events? Apparently she even showed up at Sports Personality Of The Year, which seems to confirm she gets booked because everyone else booked her, a constant log-rolling which never interacts with the awkward question 'yes, but is she any good?'

Still, if the show overruns a bit, no great loss if ITV have to roll the credits and hit the off button before things are finished. Because if you miss a couple of minutes of Sande, she'll be back doing the FA Cup semi finals, or Norwich Businessman Of The Year, or the Mirror Pride Of Britain Awards.

MOBOs decide to fall in line and give prizes to Emeli Sande

Last night's Music Of Black Origin In The Sense That The Organisers Take The Phrase 'Black Origin' To Mean Awards in Liverpool saw one of the hot trends of 2012 being resolutely stuck to.

That's the 'pretending for some reason that Emeli Sande's admittedly alright performances are in someway superhuman' trend, of course. The one that saw her being left to more-or-less carry great swathes of the Olympic ceremonies, of course.

Sande picked up three prizes, in the categories of 'Best R&B/Soul if you don't have much time to think about it', 'Best Album if you carefully exclude the better ones for various reasons' and 'Best female act if we follow through the logic of our other choices'.

Plan B took two, but you don't need to listen to me - here's the full list of winners:

Best Gospel: Rachel Kerr
Best Jazz: Zoe Rahman
Best Reggae: Sean Paul
Best African Act: D’Banj
Best Song: Labrinth
Best R&B/Soul: Emeli Sandé
Best Album: Emeli Sandé
Best Hip Hop/Grime: Plan B
Best Video: JLS
Best Female Act: Emeli Sandé
Best Male Act: Plan B
Best Newcomer: Rita Ora
Best International: Nicki Minaj

The decision to hold the awards on a Saturday night was to give a higher profile to the event, which was successful, clashing only with The X Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and dozens of bonfire night parties.

The closing ceremony: London Pride has been force-fed down to us

I keep thinking 'bits of that weren't so bad, were they?'. And then I remember Russell Brand bellowing The Beatles through a megaphone.

The most successful bit was the Slim-J-Tempah sequence, which bubbled with energy, and was stuffed with shots of athletes bouncing about and singing along. Maybe it was a bit T4 On The Beach, but better that than the large swathes of a 1984 Radio One Roadshow beamed from a sleet-skittered Grimsby that made much of the rest of the event. It felt like the party the thing was supposed to be.

But what of the rest? Muse finally disappearing behind the self-pardoy horizon was only to be expected; the Kaiser Chiefs turning up in 2012 was a bit of a surprise. If the deal was George Michael had to do the new single to be persuaded to turn up, he should have been asked to stay at home.

Emeli Sande has been rather over-promoted: she can carry a tune, but not an entire ceremony. That Kate Bush was only on tape was a bit of a disappointment.

And The Spice Girls getting together for what felt like the first time in a couple of weeks wasn't the treat it was meant to be - the slow trundling of taxis for their entry seemed to last longer than the two half-songs they trotted out.

The London theme was quite weak - a couple of cars made out of newspaper, a Michael Caine voiceover and a bit of Only Fools And Horses. Why that one TV series? Why not, say, Barbara Windsor ringing a bell crying 'that's yer lot, ain't you got 'omes to go to?'; or Cumberbutch-as-Sherlock; or Grace Brothers; or Howman and Davidson finally doing a Babes In The Wood/Up The Elephant And Round The Castle crossover. Maybe not the last one.

Hang about, I've just remembered Churchill popping out of the Big Ben bell tower like a grumpy jack-in-the-box. Oh, god.

On Twitter, there were some voices going 'why are people being cynical? Can't we be like we've been for the last fortnight?'

But that's the point. If there's a point to the Olympics, it's about celebrating the extraordinary and superlative. If you applaud Mo Farah's triumph in the same way you applaud whoever went 'we could get some supermodels in and - hey, didn't Derek Bowie do a song about Fashion?', then you're really just watering down praise for Farah.

Not everyone at the Olympics gets a gold medal; in fact, that's the kind of point. Doing a closing ceremony is always going to be a thankless task - who wants to be the guy ushering in the hangover? - and coming in the wake of the opening extravanganza set the bar at a pole-vault height for a high-jump event. But nobody made anyone start a parade of plodding would-be secular hymns. No event will thrive when it drags on the film of Lennon doing Imagine, the national anthem of the Independent State Of Hypocrisy.

There were bits that were pretty good - the phoenix; the all-too-brief visit of The Pet Shop Boys. There was an exciting one hour event struggling to fight out of a three hour one.

But Russell Brand came on, singing through a megaphone.