I pulled in to the driveway at 3:30 this morning, after a late flight from Calgary and then a drive from Ottawa. Keith and I were speaking at a Weekend to Remember conference in Banff. Yes, poor me, I had to go to Banff! Oh, my goodness, it was gorgeous!
Anyway, I'm still exhausted, but I thought you may enjoy this five minute clip of me from the "sex" talk explaining why sex for women is all in her head:
I've decided once a week to record a really short (3 minute max) video on marriage! I've had a great time getting to know you all, but I figure sometimes you might actually want to see/hear me!
Here's this week's on how to revitalize your marriage!
Now this weekend my husband and I are speaking at a marriage conference with FamilyLife in Banff, Alberta. And we'll be "video blogging" before each session, trying to summarize everything we're going to say! So tune in for lots more quick videos this weekend, and you'll get to know my husband, too!
I write a lot about marriages. I want to save marriages. That's why I'm writing The Good Girl's Guide to Sex--to try to help get marriages off to a good start!
But I'm quite aware that many of my readers would love to save their marriage--but their spouse doesn't seem to see it the same way.
I've received two heartbreaking emails this week, and heard the story of a close friend who is going through a rough time, too, and it made me think I need to say something to those women, too. So I did! I thought I'd start video blogging some of my posts, and this seemed like a good one to start on:
If you want to save your marriage:
1. Remember, just because it's awful now doesn't mean it always will be.
Of people who rated their marriages as a 7 or 8 on a 1-8 scale, with 8 being lousy, 78% rated it as a 1 or 2 5 years later. Things often do get better! Just because your marriage is in the toilet does not necessarily mean it's time to flush it.
2. Get some mentors
But what if you've been waiting and it's not improving? Surround yourself with a great Christian body. Find one or two great mentors or counselors to tell the whole story to who can give you wise counsel. I knew one woman who was sure her husband was being verbally abusive to their daughter. He wasn't. He was just stricter than she was (she didn't believe in limits). She needed someone outside to show her that.
At the same time, sometimes drastic action is necessary. Find a good Christian mentor to help you.
3. Get a hold of James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough.
Written for those whose spouses are having affairs, it's still a great book for many marital issues. When your spouse is doing something that endangers the marriage, the answer isn't to be a doormat. It's to change the dynamic in your relationship so your spouse feels the consequences of his actions!
Watch the video for the two heartbreaking emails, and if you have any good advice for those women, do leave a comment!
We sang "How He Loves Us" in church today, and it reminded me of this awesome and cute video. So here's something to make you smile on a Sunday afternoon!
I've been trying to find some order to what I blog about, just to help me figure out what to write and when to write, and to help you figure out when you want to read (although I'm sure you find all my posts absolutely incredible and enlightening!).
But at the suggestion of a friend, I'm launching Media Mondays, where I give book and movie ideas, to go along with Wifey Wednesdays. And now I think I'll add Spiritual Saturdays.
So that's what this is: Spiritual Saturday.
Spiritual Saturday One of the reasons I love blogging is that I can get all my thoughts out without worrying about editing or who is going to publish this. So much of what I write is eventually for publication, and it's stressful. Blogging is my release.
And so I want to share something that happened to me a few weeks ago.
I spoke at a retreat, after a week of feeling very jetlagged and rather ill. I was not at my best. But the retreat went well, everybody said. People shared their thoughts of the one point that really hit home, and many had those "one points". I should have felt good about it.
But I felt as if something had been missing. I have given that same retreat in the past and felt much greater power, and it seems to me that sometimes I feel the Holy Spirit's strength, and sometimes I do it in my own strength.
The next day, at church, the sermon was on exactly that: how to have the Holy Spirit work through you, instead of doing it by yourself. And I found myself desperately praying for "thirst". Thirst for God, thirst for Him to work, rather than me.
On Monday I was reading my devotions, and my Psalm for the day just "happened" to be 42. Here's the first two verses:
As a deer longs for flowing streams, so my soul longs for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
It was so timely! And so I read on. And here's the point: I was desperately worrying about what was wrong with me. Why wasn't I experiencing God? That's what David was doing, too. He was consumed with feeling alone, with wondering why God wasn't there. And this is what David kept coming back to:
My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you.... Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me. Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him...
In both cases, David is feeling alone. He's burdened. And the solution is not to think about how alone or burdened he is. It's to remember God and what He has already done in your life, and then to turn your attention to the hope you have in God.
God doesn't ask us to DO anything except hope. Except Remember. Except think and meditate about Him. He doesn't want us to work ourselves up into knots trying to reach some major level of spirituality. He just wants us to focus on Him.
And it reminded me of this clip from the retreat, where I talked about this exact thing:
When you're down, focus on God. Don't put yourself through a guilt trip. Don't worry. Just focus on Him, remember Him, and let Him do the rest. He is the source of our hope, not our own effort. And that was a good reminder for me last Monday!
Do you have a hard time remembering the order of the events in the Old Testament? You have this vague idea that there were kings, and that the Israelites were taken into captivity, but you're not sure if that has anything to do with Pharaoh or not.
I have the solution!
Here's a video of my daughter and I teaching the "12 C's" of the Old Testament at a conference I hosted this summer. Remember the 12 C's, and you'll always be able to figure out where the different stories fit!
And they've got actions! It's geeky, but it works. Just take a gander here:
A few years ago we had a bunch of children die in our small town, right after the other, of accidents. I didn't know any of them, but my husband was on duty in the ER when a few of them came in. It was just a sad time in our town.
And so I sat down and I wrote a column called "A Prayer Through Tears", about my prayer for parents who have lost children. I received more email to that column than I did to almost any other in the years since.
It's a hard thing to lose a baby. I lost one many years ago, and it still hurts. But I have seen friends walk through miscarriages and stillbirths, and those have their own pain. You never got to hold that child that you loved so dearly. And very often the rest of the world doesn't understand how much you hurt.
I've decided to make that column into a video. If it blesses you, please send it on to other parents you know who may need it! You can read the original column here, or just watch below!
A couple of years ago my husband and I took ballroom dancing lessons. It was so much fun. I just love dancing, but jumping around to current hits never struck me as something fun. Actually looking like you know what you're doing, and moving together, is very, very fun. Ever seen the movie Strictly Ballroom? Hilarious. One of the best movies out there (and almost family friendly; if your child is 11 or over, it's okay).
Anyway, we're contemplating taking lessons again this year. The hard point is always finding a night of the week that works, especially since my husband's a physician and he's on call a lot at night. And then there's youth group, and all the other church activities. But for this year, I think we're going to suspend some of our church activities just so we can have fun as a couple again.
Here's Keith talking about our ballroom dancing lessons at a marriage conference we gave a while ago. It's pretty funny.
Do you have things in your life that hold you back from God, but you can't figure out how to get rid of them?
We all do. So did Pharaoh. And in this video I help us to see the plague of the frogs in a new way--and maybe realize why it is that we can't always get over things that make us miserable.
I haven't posted a new video in a while, so I thought it was time to show this short clip, taken from a Girls Night Out event I did in the fall. Watch it, and then we'll keep talking.
Okay, now after this clip I go on to elaborate on how we can get rid of those things. But it's a challenge to us, isn't it? I think quite frequently we hold on to things that make us miserable because they've become comfortable. We stay busy at things that don't matter because we think we're supposed to. We berate ourselves for not being a size 6 because we should have more self-control. We work so hard for more money even though we'd probably be happier with less money and more time. We let other people set our goals, instead of God.
So that's my challenge for you today. What is making you miserable in your life? What are your frogs? And then take them to God. Why are you holding on to them? Can you let Him take them away? That can be hard to do, if the frogs have become a big part of our lives. But there comes a time to let go. Is this your time?
If you can't forgive your husband for something that he's done, your marriage will never thrive. It will slowly disintegrate. Forgiveness is THE issue in marriage.
I know when I was first married I had lots to forgive (as did my husband). We hurt each other over the first few years, because we were both focused on getting our own needs met, and not on how to give to each other. When we were both able to put the other first, things got so much better.
It's been a while since I've uploaded a new video, so here's one from an appearance on 100 Huntley Street Full Circle where the girls on the couch are all talking marriage and forgiveness. Hope you enjoy it!
And don't forget that it's only 6 days away from my Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight party! Don't miss it! We're going to have prizes, a Twitter party, a Facebook party (the page is here, or just search for "Sheila Wray Gregoire's Books" in Facebook), a teleseminar, and more! Great prizes for a blog scavenger hunt, too! Find out more here.
I'm pumped this morning, and I have no idea why! But I've accomplished a lot as I rose before the sun today. Of course, that's not hard, because the sunrise doesn't hit here until 7:25. But I feel productive anyway!
I uploaded a new video this morning and want to share it with you. We all want intimacy in our marriages. We want to build rock solid relationships. But I think in doing that building, we'd rather be the contractor than the worker. We want to tell our husbands what to do, rather than rolling up our sleeves and getting to the dirty work ourselves.
Today I'm talking marriage, as I joined the women on 100 Huntley Street for this chat. See what you think!
And if you really want to build a great marriage, don't forget my Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight party coming February 4! The countdown is on the right column. It's going to be fun! Find out more.
I've been talking a lot about kids doing chores lately, and I thought I'd add another discussion to the mix.
What about attitude?
It's fine to say they have to do chores, but do they have to enjoy it?
Smaller children do tend to enjoy it. Give a 3-year-old a spray bottle with water and a cloth, and he will be in heaven.
Give a spray bottle and a cloth to an 8-year-old, and he will not. Kids don't like cleaning, as a rule. Come to think of it, most adults don't, either. If we did, our homes would never be messy!
But when it is chore time, what sort of attitude do you demand from them? Do you demand that they do it without complaining? That they whistle while they work? That they try their hardest and get it done quickly?
The truth is that we cannot control someone else's emotions. Demanding that they enjoy chores is taking it a bit far. We can, however, ask them to do them quickly, ask them not to complain, and ask them to try hard. Asking them to smile is a little bit much.
We were running into problems at our house over chores because my children were always bickering. Rebecca would say Katie wasn't working hard enough; Katie would counter that Becca was telling her what to do. It seemed that the only time they really fought was when they were doing chores, which made me very angry!
Thankfully, a combination of talking to them and them maturing has gotten rid of most of that, but we do need to figure out what attitude we are going to demand. Because while you can't (and shouldn't) try to control emotions, you can ask for politeness and respect.
I would simply not pay kids who didn't do things with an appropriate attitude that would pass at a workplace. One of the purposes of chores, to me, is to train children for the workplace. That means they have to work hard, well, and quietly. If they can't do that, they don't get paid (but they still have to finish!).
Another method I would use, though, to make it easier on the children is to make chores fun. Set the timer and ask them to "beat the timer" while they tidy. Have them lace up their running shoes and see how fast they can vacuum (while still getting it done). Let them clean while their own choice of music is blaring. If our attitude is one of "let's see how much fun we can make this", they're more likely to follow along. If our attitude is, "let's buckle down and work hard if it kills us," they're going to feel that it is, indeed, killing them.
Right now you likely have a lot of tidying to do to get ready for Christmas, or for company coming. Have the kids help tidy, even if they're only three. But try these methods, and see if they're more inclined to do it willingly.
We shouldn't put up with bad attitudes, but we shouldn't be tyrants, either. It's a hard balance to find, but once you do, kids are much happier!
Finally, here's a video of an interview I did on kids and chores. The interviewers were great, and it was a lot of fun:
We all love sparkly Christmas trees: those colour coordinated ones that make you go "Wow!" when you see them.
But I wouldn't trade my tree with the homemade decorations on it for anything.
And I think that's the perfect metaphor for us as Christian women. So ofen we try to be that perfect tree: we want to look all sparkly on the outside, like we have it all together.
But in fact, we're all aiming to look exactly the same.
Maybe God has something different for us.
Here's me talking about it at a recent women's outreach event. It's short, and funny, so see what you think:
UPDATE: Link working now! Sorry about that! The video I posted last night got cut off at the 2 1/2 minute mark, but this 4 minute one is right!
For those of you who haven't read much about it yet, it's exactly what it sounds like. If you're sick of always fighting over sex, and you want to find the road where you can actually WANT it, too, then this book can help!
I wrote it as a research project, because this was the one area that Keith and I couldn't seem to agree on. We had worked out so many problems early in our marriage, but sex wasn't one of them. It was our big source of conflict. Keith felt like I didn't love him because I didn't have the sex drive he did, and I felt like he didn't love me because he only wanted one thing. Have you ever been there? We laugh about it, but it's not easy.
I hope that through Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight more women will realize that they are not alone. You can watch this quick 1 minute book trailer first, and then watch this extended interview:
Do you have a major problem in your life? Something that you just can't seem to shake?
Maybe it's somebody you need to forgive. Maybe it's dealing with stuff from your childhood. Maybe it's adjusting to marriage and the seflishness that you're both showing! Maybe it's dealing with difficult in-laws.
We all have rough stuff in our lives. The question is what we do with it.
When I was a teenager my big struggle was with forgiving my father for leaving us. I prayed over that a lot, and read tons of books on healing. Some told me to write a letter and burn it. So I did. Others told me to write a letter and bury it. So I did. Others said I should send it. So I did.
And all the while, I was asking, "Have I forgiven him?". And everytime there was an altar call I came forward out of conviction that I hadn't forgiven him yet. I would think I had, and then it would come back!
It got really bad when my children were born, because it brought up a lot of resentment and hurt. And whenever Dad would visit (which was extremely rarely) I would have stomachaches for weeks before. It was not a pretty picture.
And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed.
Then a few years went by when I didn't see him. We moved to another town and I was busy setting up my house. I went to a women's Bible study and I delved into studying the Bible. I started teaching. I started writing.
And one day Dad called to say he was dropping in for a few hours. And he did. And he left. And my stomach didn't hurt.
And I thought, how could that be? I wasn't praying about forgiving him at all! How could I be healed?
And then I realized, maybe that's why I'm not hurting anymore. Because I hadn't been praying about it. I had simply been praying. I had been focusing on God, not on my problems, and in the process God changed me on the inside. He became bigger; my problems became smaller.
I truly believe that is a spiritual truth: Whatever you focus on expands. So are you focusing on God, or on your hurts and problems?
Here's a video clip of me talking about this:
(It's part of the Extreme Makeover DVD I sell, which is also a component in my Retreat To Go package. The Retreat to Go has all the stuff you need to plan a great women's retreat, even if you can't afford to hire a speaker! Everything is already done for you, and you just watch the DVDs! You can find out more here.)
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
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