Tons of blogs vie for your attention. You can find blogs on organizing, cooking, cleaning, parenting, getting close to God, renewing your marriage, and so many more.
So why do you read this one?
Over the weekend I began to think more about why I write, and what the main message is that I'm trying to convey. After all, I don't just want to write so that I entertain you, or so that you all boost my traffic numbers. I want to write to challenge you--and at the same time to challenge myself, because through blogging and writing I often clarify my own goals and thoughts.
What am I trying to do? Let me start by telling you what my primary purpose is NOT. I am not trying to teach you how to clean, or get organized, or parent, or even how to be married. I am not even trying to teach you how to get closer to God (though I hope you do that through this blog). There are so many blogs that specialize in each of these things, and do it better.
What I am trying to do is to spur you on to live deliberately; to challenge what other people have told you you should do with your life. I want to ask those questions that open up our minds to the possibilities that God really does have for our lives, and see how things could be richer, more fulfilling, more meaningful, more intimate.
That's the meaning of the name of the blog: To Love, Honor and Vacuum, which was originally the name of my first book. Sometimes we get into this groove where it feels like most of our lives is a job, an endless assembly line, and we can't get off. But life isn't like that. You always have choices, and those choices can take you closer to God's heart, and thus closer to true joy.
I firmly believe that our culture works directly against that as it seeps into us, even when we don't want it to. And that culture teaches primariliy three things: laziness, selfishness, and dissatisfaction. It teaches laziness because it says the most important thing is to be entertained. We aren't to try hard at anything; we are to find the shortcuts. Get away with the least effort possible! It teaches selfishness because it says that the most important thing is to be happy, rather than to be purposeful. We are to find happiness, and if we don't have happiness, we should dump what we're doing. And it teaches dissatisfaction because it's always showing us how we could be doing a little bit more, trying a little bit harder, and finally achieving success. Except that it's always that little bit more out of reach.
I don't want to teach you how to work harder; frankly, I think most of us are busy enough. I simply want to teach you how to think differently about how we live. Most people, I think, go through this life of being a wife and mommy without giving it real thought. What am I building? Are we growing closer? Does my family love God? Are we spending time in a meaningful way? A lot of us don't have time for these questions because we're so busy trying to get laundry done and chauffeur kids and head to work, because we've bought into the idea that life has to be that chaotic. It doesn't.
Yet we won't see those possibilities unless we stop drifting through life. That, I think, is the modern malady. We are drifting, allowing the stream of our culture to push us where it wants us to go. We are working for more and more stuff. We are sending our kids into more and more activities and not seeing them enough. We are busy so we don't connect with our spouses. We expect our spouses to meet all our needs. We feel dissatisfied, but we can't identify why?
Now please understand; I do not have all of this figured out. That's one of the reasons I write! As I blog, I remind myself what I should be doing, and should be focusing on. But these are things I have thought deeply about. My husband and I had to work to get our marriage strong, because it did not start out that way. We had to fight to stay strong when our son died, and everyone told us that our marriage now faced a crisis. I had to make the decision to give up what would have been a lucrative career because I wanted to watch my kids grow up. And my husband is right now struggling with how much he should work, given that the kids will be out of the house in four short years.
We live in a poisonous culture, and I don't want it to poison me or my family. And so I challenge everything we do. Why am I doing this? Is this necessary? I want to make sure that at the end of my life, I can look back and at least say, for better or for worse, I made choices to do what I did. I'm not blaming anyone else; I deliberately thought about it and prayed about it.
So that's who I am, and that's why I blog. I want to live deliberately, especially in my marriage, in my parenting, and in my home. I hope in these writings that I will both inspire you on towards purpose and meaning, and give myself the occasional kick in the pants, too. I want us all to live for God, not for our culture.
From now on, then, when I write a post, I'm going to ask myself, does this fit? Am I urging people to live deliberately, to stop drifting? And if I am, I'll post it. If I'm not, I may leave it. I want you all to know who I am, so that you know what you'll get when you come here.
So that's me. Now, who are you? Why are you here? What do you like? I'd love to know!
I'm busy editing chapter 10 of "The Good Girl's Guide to Sex" today, but I have a few things I want to tell you about, and a prize to give away!
First, the prize. Last week I asked you all what the worst piece of advice you've ever received was. One lucky commenter would win a copy ofTo Love, Honor and Vacuum, and this morning I used a random number generator to pick a comment. It was Michelle from How to Eat an Apple! Thanks, Michelle, and congratulations! She participated yesterday in Wifey Wednesday, too. I'll try to offer prizes more often, because I like giving things away!
Now for something not so fun. I'm royally ticked at the moment with our disgusting society. As readers of this blog know, I'm pretty picky about what media comes into our house. We don't have cable, and get no TV channels. We only watch movies that we rent or borrow, and thus think about first. The girls listen to lots of music, but they're very discerning and don't listen to stuff I'd hate. The computer has controls. They're allowed on Facebook, but I know their passwords and can see what they're doing.
So I think I'm pretty safe.
Well, on Tuesday we went to the library and rented some Agatha Christie Miss Marple movies. Agatha Christie, people! That's safe, right?
Apparently not. I remember all these movies I saw from the seventies and eighties that were fine, but apparently the BBC is now producing a new series that is not fine. We were watching A Pocketful of Rye, and right in the middle of it, with no warning, is a scene of a couple having sex in not exactly the missionary position. You couldn't see body parts, but it was obvious what they were doing. It was only about a 15 second clip, but boy was it jarring.
Then the next day I got a chat message on Facebook from a friend asking me if I knew what Facebook group my 13yo had just joined. I took a look--it was one of these groups for Christian girls about how beauty is on the inside, and tell each other we're beautiful, etc. etc. Pretty harmless stuff. A bunch of teen girls that she knew had joined, so she joined.
The group had 125,000 members.
Well, somebody decided to post some extremely graphic disgusting porn pictures on that group's wall. I saw them; Katie hadn't. So I made Katie remove it from her profile, and all was "well", I suppose.
But what it reinforced to me is that I can't protect my kids from everything. Even when I think I'm taking a ton of precautions, stuff still gets through.
So I've had to sit down with my girls again and have a talk about it. We're very open in this house, so it's not like they don't know about things, but I don't want them to have gross pictures in their head, or a distorted view of what sex is supposed to be. They're at the age when they're starting to first experience sexual feelings, and when it's tied to stuff like that, it can do long term damage.
It's bad enough with girls. I can't imagine what those of you with boys go through.
Now, I know many parents who have just decided to say no to Facebook for their kids, and I understand. But honestly, it's the only way for my girls to keep in touch with some of the amazing Christian kids they meet at all the quiz meets we go to, and they've developed some awesome friendships out of it. I know it has its dark side, but it has its plus side, too, and sometimes when Rebecca feels like none of her friends near home understand her, she can go online and talk and pray with someone from Florida or Kentucky and she feels much better. That's worth something to me.
It's all just a giant balancing act, and I guess we have to realize that a parent's job is not only to shield--for we cannot completely shield--but also help them process things when bad stuff gets through.
I understand that. I'm just not all that happy about it!
I'm busy working on my manuscript for "A Good Girl's Guide to Sex" today, so I don't have time to write a real post.
So instead, I want to ask you to write something!
I'm putting together a column on "The Worst Advice You've Ever Received". So let me ask you: What's the worst advice you've received? Let me know, and I'll choose one respondent to win a copy of my book, "To Love, Honor and Vacuum"!
I'll make the draw next Tuesday! Thanks for your help!
I'm still absolutely loving my Christmas vacation, but I thought I'd take a moment and link to a great excerpt of my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum that was just published at Power to Change.
Here's a bit of it:
I laughed when I read a recent study done in Europe about women’s time commitments and how these commitments affected their sex lives. In Italy, women have made great strides in the workforce. Yet their progress at home has lagged behind that of other Western European nations, mostly because their culture is one in which men tend to take their wives for granted. So today, when an Italian woman comes home, she still does most of the housework. She is run off of her feet, and the end result is that she spends less time on sex than do women in Finland, Sweden or England. Italian men, who are known for their machismo, aren’t actually getting as much loving as English men are, largely because culturally they have not yet learned to respect women’s contributions.
We may not be as undervalued as our Italian sisters are, but we’re still often taken for granted. It’s hard for many men to respect what we do because they themselves aren’t reared for it and would never do it. Women typically do the lion’s share of the housework, so it’s assumed we’re not as important as the men are, since they’re able to escape the drudgery. You may even buy into some of this mentality, wondering who you are since you’re “just a mother’” or “just a wife.” Ultimately, though, everything will pass away except people. The impact we have on our kids or our neighbors is perhaps even more important than any job we could have, and this impact is only possible because of the work we do at home, whether or not we also have a job.
If you husband diminishes the value of what you do, then he perceives value outside of Christ. Have a family meeting and talk about where you’re going as a family. How does he want the children raised? What does he want for the family in the long run? What values does he want your children to have? How are they going to develop them? Many people have never answered these questions. They go through life working at their jobs without asking the reason behind what they’re doing. Throw everything on the table: his job, your job, your kids’ schooling, all your commitments and activities, and ask God for a vision for your family. Once you both have one, it’s easier for you as a couple to see how everyone’s labor, wherever it’s done, fits into that vision.
Even if your husband isn’t a believer, you can still discuss where your family is heading. Brainstorm about how you can make sure your family meets the goals you set. Chances are this will involve valuing the typical things we women do, like creating a comfortable home and nurturing the children. Once you’ve verbalized the importance of your contribution, it’s easier for him to want to be involved around the house, or, at the very least, to be grateful that you are!
Read the rest here, and get your year off to a good start!
Just received an email from a woman who read To Love, Honor and Vacuum:
I've been asking God some questions lately and he directed me to your book from our church library and it's been a breath of fresh air and a source of hope like you can't imagine. Not only do I find common sense and truth in what you're saying but I feel loved and cherished knowing that God has directed me to read it.
That made my day! Don't know much about To Love, Honor and Vacuum: the book? Here's a 1 minute intro:
Here at Simplify Your LIfe month we've been running some contests and drawing some prizes! And today I want to announce the winner to our decluttering contest: Ellen from 2 Little Monkeys! She decluttered a bedside table, and our readers found you most impressive, Ellen! Congratulations! You'll get my audio downloads for my talks, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, and $10 in Amazon gift cards!
And one more winner: Heather from TG Magazine won for spreading the news about Simplify Your Life month! She's going to get an audio download of my 45 minute talk, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, too! It's funny, highly practical, and if you've enjoyed my blog, I know you'll like hearing me speak! You can find more about it here.
Thanks for entering, ladies, and next week we'll have some more contests! And don't forget to check in at my Facebook Page where I have contests every weekend! You win just by commenting!
Don't let your life completely revolve around your husband. If you don't talk with anyone else, socialize with anyone else, or go anywhere without him, there is no mystery in the relationship. Instead of a lover, you become an obligation because you pressure him to fulfill all your emotional and relational needs. That's why you need to keep a life of your own. God made you uniquely you. It's okay to pursue your gifts, interests, or hobbies and to expand your horizons. Don't wait for your husband to fill all the space in your life; ask God to help you fill it with the things He wants to grow in you!
Until you can say, "I am sticking with my husband through thick and thin," you will always be testing him. "Does he measure up? Is he meeting my needs?" As soon as you ask the question, the answer will be no.
Did you know you can read To Love, Honor and Vacuum with one hand?
Apparently that's a big plus!
For those of you who don't know, To Love, Honor and Vacuum is not just the name of this blog; it's the name of my first book. It's for all of you out there who feel more like maids than wives and mothers, and want to figure out a way of running your household so that people respect each other, are kind to each other, and help out. It's about changing the way YOU do things, instead of waiting for others to change. And it helps you focus on God's priorities, rather than our own.
Anyway, I got this email earlier this week and thought I'd share it with you:
I just bought a couple of your books "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum" and "Honey, I don't have a Headache Tonight." Right after I ordered my copies I recommended your blog entry on Doormats or Housewives to a good friend of mine who, after reading it, decided to order "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum" as well. She has a 3 month old baby and a husband who goes to work and comes home to play computer. She had just been telling me how stressed she was about her house and husband (I am actually going to help her out with housework but it's tough because I live almost 1.5 hours away). My husband isn't quite as addicted to the computer as hers is is but also spends a lot of time on the computer instead of with our toddler and me (though my hubby has a more relaxed work schedule and tries to help out around the house).
Anyway, I recieved my books last night and started reading the first one this morning (reading about housework when I should actually be doing it lol!). I sent my friend a text to say that I had started reading it and that it was really good so far and I could totally relate to everything you were saying.
She sent me back a text: That's cool. I'm excited. Hey, how big is the book? Like can you read with one hand or do you need both? Weird question, I know lol!
Me: Not a weird question at all. I am playing trains with Caleb with my other hand, It is most definitely one hand readable.
Her: Very nice, that's exactly why I was wondering. I have other books I would like to read but you need two hands and how often do you get both of your own at the same time!
So I just wanted to shoot you off an email to thank you for making sure that the book is one hand readable. I'm sure that many moms appreciate it!
There you go. If you need to, you can read it with one hand. Want an autographed copy? Order it from me. Or you can get it at Amazon here:
It's Wednesday, the day when I introduce a marriage topic, and then the rest of you either comment or write your own Wifey Wednesday post!
This will be my last post until after Christmas, too. I'm going to cocoon a little bit away from the computer with my family. But I may still check in to comment on some comments or something!
We've had some interesting discussions about marriage lately. It all started last week with the post "Doormats or Wives", which started a great comment thread, that's worth reading on its own.
In that thread, and the follow-up post on the Saturday, some of you talked about how your marriage had done a 180 degree turn. At one point your marriage looked pretty pathetic, but then something happened. Today I want to talk about that something.
Yesterday we also had some marriage talk in the comments about a local church. Some of you were (or are) in conflict with your husbands about where to attend church, and I know such decisions are really difficult. So for those who have already weathered the storm, what happened? What made the storm pass?
In some of your stories, it seemed simply to be a matter of maturity. Sometimes we're just young when we get married, and as we mature, marriage becomes stronger. In others, outside counseling helped us see each other's point of view. And in still others, it was just prayer.
Let me tell you a bit of my story. When we were first married, I had major trust issues. I had been rejected repeatedly as a child, and then my husband had also broken off our engagement before we reconciled and eventually married. So I was paranoid that he was going to leave me, and opening up was not easy for me. I had been so desperate to get him down the aisle and actually commit that I hadn't given much thought to what came afterwards. I guess I thought marriage would be easy.
Because I had trust issues, though, I also had sex issues. I won't go into all the details, but needless to say that I could not figure out what all the fuss was about. My husband, who was in his early twenties, definitely wanted the fuss. I did not. So we had major conflict for the first part of our marriage.
The turning point came when I decided not to be hurt. I was focusing so much on my own issues--"he only wants me for one thing, he doesn't really care about me, he won't show me love"--that I didn't really look at the other side--"am I showing him love?". And once I made the emotional commitment to love him (and really throw myself into sex, too, but that was only a part of it), things started working much better. I really did love him. I started thinking about the things that I was grateful for about him. I stopped being so sensitive.
But it was difficult, and it took a few years to get to that point. When you're in the middle of a quite serious hurt, it's hard to see the other person's perspective. But when you decide to love regardless, amazing things can happen.
God was also doing a work in Keith's heart, and he came to basically the same decision around the same time I did. Never ever discount what God can do in your spouse's heart. But that's the key, I think: God does it, not you.
For me, then, the key was a shift in my own attitude, and a submission to God, which also led to the same thing in my husband. I can honestly say that we're so grateful for each other and we're ridiculously lovey-dovey all the time now. But it wasn't always like that.
I believe that it is a spiritual principle that God tends to start working when we are in submission to Him. Even if you are not the principle problem in your marriage (ie. your husband is doing something wrong/sinful/selfish), the more you hold on to the hurt, the less God works. I was reading in my devotions today about how God "pleads the case of the orphan". God likes pleading the case of the person who is wronged. He does stand up for the wronged person.
But He tends to do it once we have stopped pleading our case. When we hand our case over to God, He works. When we try to fix it, He can't. And I find that when I have handed things over to God, then He has started working in the other person's heart (I think my husband would tell a similar story. It was when He surrendered that God worked on me, too, because it really was quite simultaneous).
That doesn't mean that we don't confront, or use consequences, as we talked about over the weekend in the Doormats or Wives post. I'm not saying that we need to hold up the white flag to let God work. I'm saying we need to hand our emotional needs over to God; our need to be right; our need to have our husbands admit they were wrong; our need to have them love us completely and utterly. These are all needs, but it is to God that we must turn, not our husbands. When we are expecting these things from our husbands, then God can't work in the same way because we've set up a very negative dynamic, both emotionally and spiritually. When we turn to God, things change.
So let me know your story. What flipped the switch in your marriage? Leave it in the comments, or better still, write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come and link it back here!
Thanks so much for sharing all your advice on this week's Wifey Wednesday! I wrote about a woman who is married to a man who has basically withdrawn from all areas of their life together. He doesn't go to church with her. He doesn't do things with her. He doesn't believe it's his responsibility to do any housework or cooking. He asks her to work full-time. He spends most of his time with his best friend and the best friend's wife, with whom he seems to have more in common, in their business on the side.
What should she do?
It's going to be hard to summarize all the advice, because it was really insightful, but let me focus on three main areas, and then we'll break it down into individual points.
1. Whatever she does, she has to focus on her own relationship with God first. Her sense of worth, her joy and peace in life, her contentment needs to come from God. So go to church. Pray for yourself (and not only that God will change him). Cling to Jesus, because He is the rock no matter what your marriage does. And the stronger you are in Christ, the stronger you will be in your marriage.
2. Focus on your own issues first. Again, always important. Take anger and bitterness to God and work through that anger and bitterness before you talk to your husband. Don't talk to him out of anger; talk to him out of a sincere desire to make the relationship better. If you're hurt, take it to God. Going to your husband out of neediness or anger when the relationship is already strained doesn't help; it often comes across as nagging, whining, or controlling. Focus on the good things in your husband and reinforce those. Don't talk about the bad things about your husband to anyone except maybe one mature mentor. Pray with gratitude for the good things in him.
3. Here's the controversial one, where not everyone agreed. In any marriage, I think #1 and #2 are key. Often when we change our attitudes towards our husbands, and ask God to equip us to be the best wives we can be, our marriage does change already. For many, all you need is #1 and #2. But there are times when we need a #3. And here's what it is:
When your action (or inaction) contributes to narcissism or unChristlike behaviour in another person, then it is time to change your action.
In other words, by simply being a loving wife and not confronting him on issues, and continuing to do everything in the relationship, you can actually be hurting the relationship.
That's one of the central focuses of my book, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother. James Dobson also talks about this in his book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis. Though it's written specifically for those who have had affairs, his thesis is still true: sometimes what people need is a good dose of reality if they are going to make the right choices. By catering to their every whim and need, we prevent them from having to make those choices, and we can further damage the relationship by being TOO loving.
I do not believe that God calls us to enable selfish behaviour. At the same time, I'm not saying that we should treat our husbands like children, or that with every small infraction we should come down hard. But in a relationship like this woman's where he has given up any responsibility for the marriage, and has consistently pulled away, I do think some action on her part is necessary.
What that action is, however, is up for debate. Let's go over some of the things that were suggested:
A. Seek counselling, either for yourself or for both of you together. Good idea. If you're going together, try for a male counselor. He may listen better.
B. Confront him, not in anger, about the things that he is doing. Insist that you have a date night or frequent time together.
C. Implement consequences. If he does absolutely nothing around the house, while you both still work full-time, then you stop doing his laundry. Do only what is necessary for you, and he can deal with the rest.
(My instinctive problem with this one, though many mentioned it, is that he may honestly not care. Many men, especially young men, don't. All you do, then, is create a bit of chaos for yourself to live in, which can further damage your own mental state. I may agree with not doing his laundry, but I'm really not sure the rest will work).
D. Insist that he stop spending time alone with this woman or communicating with her frequently on email. This business that they're involved in is not worth their marriage, and if the business is taking him away from the marriage, it's time to start again or do it differently.
E. Invest in yourself. Develop your own hobbies, your own interests, your own skills. Do not just wait around for him to suddenly decide to be your husband. Grow as a person. Show him that you are worth pursuing, and stop pursuing him so much. Show kindness and love to him, but that is different from pursuing him. Personally, I would stop asking all the time if he wanted to spend time with me. I would stop asking if we could do things (other than insisting that we have one night together, or one ritual we do together). I would instead focus on building myself. Right now he knows that anytime he feels like being with you, you are there. That's not exciting. And no wonder he takes you for granted! You become, then, not really an equal partner, but instead some sort of lap dog that is there to be kicked around, but comes running back if ever you offer to pet it.
Don't separate emotionally from the marriage, but you have to change the dynamic.
Think of it like this:
Your marriage is like a teeter totter. Your actions and his actions together have caused it to be balanced in a certain way. You want him to change. But you can't make him change. But as you put more, or less, weight on the teeter totter, he changes, too. It just happens.
So you need to start doing things differently.
4. Stay in the marriage.
Here's the hardest one. While not everyone agrees with me on #3, I'm sure not everyone will agree on #4 either. But I believe that marriage is for life. Except for cases of adultery where vows are broken, or for cases of danger, like addiction or abuse, marriage is for life.
He may not be loving towards you. He may be a jerk. But God does not give a "Jerk-Free" Get out Card. It's not fair. It's not nice. It's not the way the world works. But it's the way God works.
But at the same time, let me offer some hope. Many of the commenters said that their husbands used to be like that, too. It was an issue of maturity. But as their husbands were older, and as they did see a counselor, things changed.
Many men act very differently at 40 than they did at 25. It hasn't sunk in yet that they are responsible for a family. I look in my own extended family at a man who spent no time with his kids and never lifted a finger around the house. Today he's a very involved grandpa who does all the grocery shopping and all the vacuuming. You never would have believed that's what he'd become, but he did, and they're very happy together. If she had bailed on that marriage earlier, she never would have reaped these rewards, and seeing her kids and grandkids at holidays would have been so much more complicated.
(Note to parents: I am still in favour of early marriages. Just make sure your girls marry someone who is mature! And for pity's sake, raise your boys to clean toilets.)
Sometimes the best growth happens in these crisis times, when we are forced to rely on God. For many women, those times stretched into years. It isn't easy. But during those times, focus on the good things in your husband. Run to God for your peace. Invest in yourself, and stay an interesting person. Love him, but do not smother him. Act in such a way that you command respect. And you just may find that God brings him back.
I hope that helps. Leave any other comments you want here. Maybe we'll come up with some more good thoughts! But thanks for writing, sarahe, and I hope that this blesses you!
(I've put this post at the top again so you won't miss it!)
Hi ladies!
I so appreciate your comments and thoughts on the Wifey Wednesday post below! Keep them coming! I'll try to write a summary post tomorrow with all the great ideas you've given.
But I have a really cool announcement! Today (Thursday) at 3 pm. EST I'm doing a FREE webinar on To Love, Honor and Vacuum!
It's my signature talk that I often give to women's groups. If you've never been able to hear me in person, here's your chance to watch me over the web!
Christmas is when we moms feel so frazzled! We're running around making life perfect for everyone else, but who takes care of us? If you're feeling taken for granted, join us on this webinar as we learn how to make our relationships in our families characterized by respect and generosity, not by disprespect and laziness. Learn why the best gift you can give your future daughter-in-law is a son who cleans toilets! And learn the tools to make that gift a reality!
You don't need any special software. It's all there for you. Simply go here, and scroll down until you see my webinar listed. Then click the link, and you're in!
If you can't listen live, you can always watch later. But it's great to be there live because you can ask questions and chat, too.
It's Wifey Wednesday, when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts from your blog below!
This one's going to be a doozy. I received a very thoughtful email this week from a regular reader of this blog. She wants some advice, and she laid out in detail what was going on in her marriage. Now, I only have her side of the story, but I do believe her, because I have seen an almost identical situation in two other friends' marriages. In fact, it was watching these friends walk through their marriages that inspired me to write To Love, Honor and Vacuum in the first place.
So I want to address it today. Here, in a nutshell, are her issues:
1. Her husband does not value spending time with her. He does not take her on dates; he works and then he plays on his computer.
2. He doesn't lift a finger around the house. He says that she cares about it more than him, and so she should have to clean it since he really doesn't care. (She works full-time too, by the way. But they don't have kids yet).
3. He's not overly eager to have kids, though when they were dating he always talked as if they would.
4. While he started out their marriage going to church, he's stopped lately. Though he promised her upon their marriage that he would go, he says he's just not into it, and she shouldn't try to make him.
5. He wants her to work full-time because he wants the extra income.
6. He has a close female friend that he does a lot with online.
7. The wife has now developed depression and other clinical disorders, and needs medication to control it. She's worried that she's going to spend the rest of her life depressed about her marriage, but she doesn't know what to do. She's afraid of bringing children into the relationship.
What's the answer?
Let me tell you the similarities first between her and the other two women I knew. All had husbands who spent time with "the boys", but didn't have time to date their wives. None helped around the house. All wanted their wives to work so they had the income. The other two (I'm not sure about this one) closely monitored what their wives bought, because they didn't want them to waste any money, but they themselves spent money on whatever they wanted. When kids came along (in the other two cases) they really didn't spend any time with them, either, and felt that it was the wife's job.
I want to help this woman. But I am very, very afraid of the "typical" Christian answer. I don't think the typical Christian answer offers very much to this woman. Sure, we can say that she should pray, because she can't change anyone. We can tell her to concentrate on meeting his needs, because that is what she is called to as a wife. We can tell her that her job is to love him, and that God will be with her while she does this.
I have said all those things in different posts, and I do mean them. But I think there's a point where we need to go further, and I think this marriage may be at that point.
As I said, she is similar to my friends, and in their cases it became quite clear that their husbands were not interested in a marriage. They were interested in being children who just happened to be grown up. They got everything they wanted; they got to do whatever they wanted; they had no boundaries; they lived life exactly how they liked it. They didn't consider the effect it had on their wives (and in fact, both my friends were also on Prozac after a few years of marriage). They simply wanted to keep doing anything they pleased because they had a woman at home to cook them meals, make their beds, and occasionally have sex with them. They absolutely had it made. They had marriage without any obligations.
I am not saying that all men are like this, or that no women are. I have also known women who have acted like this in a marriage. I simply want to address these types of relationships because it was asked.
Here's my feeling: God does not want us to enable unChristlike behaviour. When Christ served, he often did very lowly things, like washing people's feet. But it didn't mean He himself was lowly. And when He served, He pointed people to God.
I believe that we can get into relationship patterns in marriage where our service to our husbands does not point them to God; it points them away from God. If our husbands are able to act however they please, and be completely selfish, immature, and border on controlling, then our marriage is not honouring God. I'm not saying that we should get out of the marriage; I am just saying that there is something amiss with our patterns of interacting.
I don't think people should be allowed to treat others with disrespect. I don't think that's Christian, and for far too long I believe it's been asked of wives. Those are not the kinds of marriages that honour God.
So please, ladies, I am truly imploring you today: don't come up with the pat answers. Honestly, without leaving the marriage, what should she do (or can she do) to turn it into a more God-honouring relationship? Telling her to sit there and take it, or that she needs to submit, even if you word it nicer than that, is not going to help.
Let me share some of my thoughts, and then I invite you to bounce around your own. Talking directly to this woman, then, here is what I would say:
1. We don't have to put up with being treated as a maid. He is asking you to work full-time so that you make a good income, and to then clean the entire house, using as justification the fact that "he doesn't care anyway". I would practice the art of having a conversation calmly without blaming him, but just talking. Here's how it would go:
Sit him down, and ask if you can talk together about what goes into running a house. Let's look at how much income we need. Now let's look at the maintenance on the house. The housework. The cooking. He may not value those things, but ask him if your opinion should have any weight in this discussion. Then explain to him that if he thinks that the house is entirely your responsibility, then you are going to have to cut back from paid work.
Now, the setting of this conversation is important. Choose a time when he is not stressed. Try a time when he is happy. Go for a walk together after dinner (if you can get him to). Try a Saturday morning when you both have nothing to do. Ask him beforehand if you can spend the day talking or planning. If he refuses to discuss it, or he gets angry when you bring it up, say something like, "I am sorry you are angry. I really don't want this to get into a fight. I wanted to discuss it. But since you don't, I'll just tell you that I'm going to quit. If you have another suggestion that results in a more balanced workload, I'd be happy to listen."
The key is not to get emotionally invested in the conversation, if you can help it. You are trying to discuss something with him so that you can have a conversation (which it sounds like you don't do very often). You would like his input. But if he won't give it, he won't give it. That's not your problem. Do not react in anger; feel peace in your heart and not bitterness before you talk to him. Ask God to help you with this. And then start having that conversation.
2. Get used to these conversations, because you're going to need to have some more! Two, in fact. The first one has to do with the female friend he has. Absolutely no way is that acceptable. To me, this is a make it or break it issue in a relationship. He needs to choose between her and you. Perhaps others may think I'm being too harsh, but I believe affairs get their start in things like this. Besides, an affair is not only physical. If he is meeting his relational needs in another woman, he is cheating on his wife already.
3. Here's the third conversation. You need dates. You need regular times when you talk and connect. Ideally that would be at dinner, but he doesn't seem willing to sit down and eat dinner with you. Talk to him about when is the best time to carve out time for the two of you. Give him some choices--like "do you want to go for a walk every evening, or would you rather have every Thursday be a date night when we go out for dinner?" But don't give him the choice of nothing. And then insist on it. If he is on the computer and refuses to leave (which many husbands do), then I would sit down and have another serious conversation about how that computer is getting in the way of your marriage.
4. Now you need to work on yourself. I'm really worried about the depression. The reason many women in marriages like this get depressed is because they feel helpless. They've been told their primary purpose is to serve their husbands; they do this, but their husbands don't love them in return. So their dream for their life is gone, and they see no way out. They feel very unloved.
You need to find your strength in God. Your husband will never love you as God does anyway; you need to grow close to Him. Concentrate on having a quiet time with Him everyday. Go to church, even if your husband won't, and concentrate on Jesus, not on the deficiencies in your marriage. Learn to love God again.
And then learn to love yourself. You are a child of God. You are precious. You may not feel precious to your husband, but you are precious to God. So treat yourself with some respect. Exercise, eat right, and be healthy. That goes such a long way! Get involved in the community and volunteer. Take up a new hobby.
One problem that often happens in marriages like this is that the woman becomes so passive that it both encourages her husband's laziness, and it allows him to see her as someone who isn't really worthy of passionate love. She's mousy and quiet, so it's hard for him to get excited about her (I'm not talking about sex, although that's a component. I'm just talking about feelings).
Don't be mousy! Don't let yourself be trampled upon! No matter what is going on in your marriage, you are more than a wife. So use your brain and learn a hobby. Watch interesting shows. Read interesting books. Grow a business. Start a garden. Do something that you can take delight in. When we are delighted, it shows in the rest of our life.
As you do this, though, try not to pull away from your husband. Bring your new things into your life with him. Don't develop super close friendships with others to fill a void from your marriage, because that can drive you further apart. Don't run to your parents, no matter how wonderful they are, because that can also drive a wedge. Instead, focus on finding happiness in what you do so that you can be happier when you are with him.
The one area where I'm really stumped is on children. I know you want kids, and I know you've dreamed of kids. But it sounds like your marriage is really unsteady right now. I get the impression you're still young (if you were in your mid-thirties, I may have a different opinion). I think I'd wait and pray about it. But I could be wrong.
And finally, let me say that I wrote To Love, Honor and Vacuum exactly for women like you. Read more about it here, or here's the Amazon link. It may be worth buying for yourself for Christmas!
Now, the rest of you: please help. I know there are others reading this blog in very similar situations. What advice would you give? How do you stop such dysfunctional patterns, especially before she has children? Please, no pat answers. Really think and pray about it, and be sensitive to the fact that as sacred as marriage is, some women are living through really tough relationships. And they need our compassion and help!
I know all of you are really smart, though, so I hope you'll leave a comment, or write a post on your own blog and then link back here for Wifey Wednesday! If you do write your own post, just leave the link in the MckLinky!
Every now and then I come across another review of one of my books on the web. I know many of my readers have published reviews lately; I'm sorry I haven't linked to them! I've been a little busy, but if I've left you out, please leave another link in the comments and I'll try to post it properly ASAP!
But recently I found this review from Aussie Mama for To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Here's what she says:
After reading many discouraging marriage books full of half truths, "To Love, Honor and Vacuum" is definitely a breath of fresh air. This book is not a doormat manual like others. Sure, it is aimed at helping us be good wives, but this book does not do what others do, blaming the woman for all the marriage problems. It helps women where they are at, realizes that sometimes husbands can be jerks, and how to live your life so that you are doing right but are not burnt out.
I felt that this book was enabling to me as a woman, while it seems that other authors think that I should be walked all over just because I'm a woman. There is very good Biblical and practical advice, including how to do things to get your husband to respect you.
This is one marriage book I can actually recommend, and I gladly do so.
That is so great! I really tried to write it to empower women. I do believe that we have the ability to change our lives, with God's help. We don't have to wait for our husbands to change. So I'm glad that's what she took from it!
If you like the stuff you read on this blog, I know you'll appreciate the book! It goes into much more detail on my thoughts about marriage and parenting. As always, you can find more information about To Love, Honor and Vacuum here.
On October 14, things are going to look a lot different around here!
I'm doing a big blog redesign! It's not because I don't like my graphics (I do), but it's because I want to integrate this blog with my main website. I have so much great stuff over there, including all kinds of my columns and articles, and lots of information about my books, and it seems silly to keep everything separate.
Next Wednesday, when you get here, you'll probably notice some changes. And I figure, if I'm going to do something, why not have some fun with it?
So I'm going to be giving away a bunch of my books and audio downloads of my talks, including:
And at 9:00 EST I'm going to host a Twitter party, with the hashtag #tlhv (for To Love, Honor and Vacuum)! Come on along and join the fun! I'm Sheila Gregoire in Twitter, and if you follow me, I'll let you know how to join in to the party!
To enter the draw to win one of the books, just enter your email here! And be sure to visit next Wednesday to see the new look!
I realized recently that I've been writing this blog for about a year and a half, and I don't know if I've ever really explained what I believe or how I got started.
In 1999 I began writing for magazines. My children were babies, and I wanted something to do that required adult thought, but I didn't want to work outside the home. From those articles came my first book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother.
It was born out of an experience I had with two women who were quite close to me at the time. They, like me, had young children, and they, like me, were frequently tired. Motherhood is difficult! But instead of focusing on how they could change their lives and make motherhood and marriage satisfying, they seemed dragged down by the problems in their marriage and the pressures of running a home.
And it seemed to me that their priorities were out of whack.
So I wrote this book to help women stuck in this trap where they start to feel more like maids than wives and mothers.
This week I dug out an old interview did with 100 Huntley Street on precisely that topic, and edited it down. Here's my philosophy in just a few minutes:
Basically, if you want to change, you've got to take the initiative. Don't sit there and wonder why you're so tired and why your life turned out this way. God has so much more for you, but it comes when we stop feeling guilty about all the things we aren't doing, stop feeling angry at our husbands, and start getting our priorities straight! It's not as hard as it sounds, and God's there to help you.
I hope that my posts over the last few years have shown that. And I'll continue to write about this, although if you want to read more, you really should get the book! But I thought it was about time I showed my heart. Besides, I really like the lipstick shade they gave me in this clip. I've tried to mimic it since, but I've never been able to :).
Have you ever wondered why with the microwave, washer and dryer, cars, vacuum cleaners, and wrinkle resistant clothing, our lives are still so busy? Why don't these time savers actually save us time? Why is that we work almost as hard as our grandmothers did?
I think the answer is that standards have completely changed. But we don't realize it. We don't realize that the way that we do home and family now wasn't always the way we did home and family. At one point, the family was much more cohesive. We all worked together. Now Mom almost always works on her own, trying to keep her brood together!
If you're tired today, listen in on this podcast to give you a new perspective on our homes! And don't miss the special pointer I have at the end which can help us out of our feelings of defeat and give us a feeling of purpose once again!
This goes along well with some of the thoughts I've been having lately, about the difference between dedication and discipline. If you haven't read that, do it now!
Finally, if you enjoyed this podcast, remember that it's a condensed version of chapter 2 of my book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, which is 25% off for the month of May! Find out more here! You can also purchase the 45 minute version of this talk for just $2 here!
I'm in Moncton as we speak, giving a talk on how to figure out God's priorities to a group of several hundred women!
I'm excited, because eastern Canada is where my husband's roots are, and I don't get out here nearly enough!
Anyway, the subject of my talk today is really about how to figure out where God is leading you. What really is important? It goes well with my column this week about dreaming the right dreams for ourselves.
But I think the problem that we as women have is that we put too much on ourselves, and then we end up feeling exhausted because we're not necessarily putting our energy into the things that God had for us. Of course we need to do laundry and get dinner on and get kids to dentist's appointments, but if we're not feeling like we're really in sync with what God has for our lives, then we're going to feel like something's missing.
Here's a little glimpse of the opening about how we sometimes worry about the wrong things:
If you're feeling like you're spinning your wheels and not really getting anywhere, I wish you could be in Moncton and join me today! But even if you're not, you can hear my talk. It's very similar to the one that I have on as my special download of the month! It's only $2, and it's 45 minutes long, filled with practical advice and spiritual insight. You can download right to your computer, or save it on CD or your iPod.
They say that women's number one health complaint is exhaustion. We are all simply too tired.
And as a mom, it's easy to feel tired. We work hard, lots of people rely on us, but frequently we don't get a lot of positive feedback. And that's when it's all too easy to sabotage ourselves. We turn to time wasters to escape from how tired we feel.
And in the process, we make ourselves even more exhausted!
In today's podcast, listen as I diagnose why it is that we moms frequently feel like we're just spinning our wheels. The answer may surprise you! And then learn the secret to feeling more energized.
It's not getting more organized. It's not getting more self-controlled. (Though these things are good). It's not adding more to our plate. It's something far deeper.
You won't want to miss it! In this podcast I share some of the things I've really been struggling with lately, and some of the really neat things God is showing me. I hope you'll listen in! Remember, you can subscribe here, and then download the podcasts to your iPod or Zune to listen to while you walk. Or you can listen right off of your computer while you do the dishes!
I've been writing this blog for just over a year now (I forgot to celebrate my one year anniversary last month), and I thought to myself, "I wonder how many of my readers actually know that much about me?" So I thought I'd share some stuff about myself.
First, the basics. I've been married for seventeen years to my husband Keith, who's a pediatrician, and happily married for about thirteen years. We speak at marriage conferences around Canada about how we moved from the "married" to the "happily married" category!
I've had four children, but only two are with me. The first was a miscarriage, which was far more emotionally painful than I ever dreamed it could be. The second was my wonderful daughter Rebecca, who is 14 and way too pretty. We have recently purchased a baseball bat to ward off any boys. My third child was Christopher, a little baby boy who we had with us only 29 days. I tell the story of my walk through grief in my book How Big Is Your Umbrella?. And then a year later Katie was born. She's my huggy bear, and she's now 11.
I homeschool the girls, and my nephew, and we have a great time. Usually.
I also write and speak. I've written four books, and I'm in two other anthologies. I started this blog really so that people who heard me speak would have a place to go where they could follow along with my life.
When I speak, I don't believe in trying to sound like I have it all together. To me, the point is to share what God has taught me, and point people to Jesus, not to me. I'm busy almost every weekend in the fall and spring, and I just feel so blessed that God has called me to something with so many rewards. I love hearing other women's stories. If you're interested in speaking, I have another blog on those preparing to launch a speaking ministry (or attempting to grow one) right here.
I also wanted a blog where I could spout off about things, and admit my struggles. You may have noticed that last week, Complaint Free Week, I did a lot of that. I think it's good to share the things we struggle with, if only to encourage other women.
And I knit. Not as often as I'd like to lately, but I love knitting. It's my lifeline.
So that's all about my personal life! But there's more to me, too, and that's my books, because I poured my heart into them, and shared some things that God had been impressing upon me. I thought over the next little while I'd share about a different book or resource I had every few days, just so you get a better picture of who I am and what I do. And you never know--maybe you'll find something that will really help you, too!
Let's start today with my first book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother. A lot of moms feel like everybody takes them for granted. They're worked off their feet, and people don't seem to understand the toll that takes, or want to pitch in. This book helps us reconceptualize our jobs as moms and wives. It's not to be anyone's slave; it's to manage the home well, encouraging respect from everybody. Sure it's a lot of work, but if it's draining you, chances are you're worried about the wrong things, raising kids who don't help, or fostering a marriage where you're not really partners. Here's a video explanation:
You can purchase it for $16 Canadian (which works out to about $13 US), and I'll autograph it for you!
I believe that it can transform your marriage and your relationship wtih your kids!
And so that's a bunch about me. Can you let me know a bit about you? Do you have kids? How old are they? Do you work outside the home? I'd just to love know a bit about some of my readers!
About Me: I'm a Christian author of a bunch of books, and a frequent speaker to women's groups and marriage conferences. Best of all, I love homeschooling my daughters, Rebecca and Katie. And I love to knit. Preferably simultaneously.
Stumble It!
!
. Though it's written specifically for those who have had affairs, his thesis is still true: sometimes what people need is a good dose of reality if they are going to make the right choices. By catering to their every whim and need, we prevent them from having to make those choices, and we can further damage the relationship by being TOO loving.
