Move over, Peggy Noonan!

You too can be a political speechwriter! Here's how!

My fellow Americans, today is a floppy day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "chapeau", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually smack.

Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces heavy and delicious challenges like never before. Our economy is sordid. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for dopes. Our healthcare system is odd. If your kidney is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a sales representative. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a keychain floppy disk. But groping together we can right this ship, and set a course for Dubai.

Finally, I must thank my tipsy family, my luscious campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank Hawaiians for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of dribbling the American people. Without your spacey efforts, none of this would have been possible.