Fire in Greenwitch Villiage Kills Two

By j.a. kazimer
Pyrotechnic Beat New Never News

A freakish four alarm fire broke out overnight at the headquarters of the villain's union in Greenwitch Village costing the lives of two henchmen. The fire burned the first two floors, causing over twenty thousand dollars in damage. VP of Union Affairs, Miss Muffet stated, 'I just sat on my tuffet, eating my curds and whey, when along came a fire...'

Police suspect the fire started when a non-union employee jumped over a candlestick.

Doctors Warn of a Possible Plague of Green

by j.a. kazimer
Irish New Never News

For the past few years doctors have noticed an odd illness in ERs across New Never City every March 17th. The condition is much like the flu with symptoms ranging from headache, stomach upset, green diarrhea. Many sufferers claim memory loss and hallucinations of pink rabbits. So be vigilant this March 17th. Drink plenty of fluids, and avoid anyone who looks a little green.

Dwarfs Arrested After Overnight Brawl

By j.a. kazimer
Stubby Crime Beat New Never News


After a violent brawl in Greenwitch Village overnight three dwarfs were arrested, while four others were hospitalized with minor injuries. Apparently, the mini-ruckus stared when Dopey declared "Hi Ho" to a passing woman. Her companion took offense to the remark, and the short battle soon ensued.

Doc, Dopey and Sneezey White will be arranged on Wednesday for changes of public drunkenness.