This here is my 100th post! Yay!
Now that I've gotten that out of my system...ahem...lol
Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching CSI: Miami with Hubs.
Why is that special?
I had a dream.
I had a dream the blonde girl came to collect trace of the van...for what I have no idea. I was sitting in the back and she started spraying and off came dust and crap and I exclaimed "it cleans too!" I know dorky. She said nothing to me...just continued to work.
I sat back and watched her vacuum and clean the van up. Boy was I smug. I knew I hadn't done anything but I was getting my van cleaned....deep cleaned...for free. Isn't that pathetic? lol
This comes because we have finally received the foldaway chair for the van that we have so desperately needed. It's been a nightmare and that's why I hadn't mentioned it before. night.mare.
Speaking of nightmare...cleaning that van is going to be a nightmare. I absolutely dread it. I keep telling myself to make it a tackle...but I think I'm just going to have to trick myself one of these days and get out there and do it. You know the whole "I'll just take the trash out, well....since I'm here, I'll just take this and that.." until it's done.
I was hoping to report good news when all was said and done...so that's that.
Other than that. It's FRIDAY!!!
3 out of 5 kids will be on a girl scout trip this weekend most of Saturday...YES!
I plan to take the other two to see Santa, that way I can split them up and take the other 3 on Sunday. I think we are actually going to go look into washers and dryers. Maybe I'll tell that story later.
I always put my lights up on the first unless there's snow or rain. We'll see how that goes, since both are in the forecast.
Things are looking up. I hope I didn't just jinx it. So what do you have planned for the weekend, Enquiring minds want to know???
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Hope is a bitch...but for some reason I can't stop...
Today we went to see a new therapist. She is a play therapist. She was recommended by the kid's new pediatrician. (Whom we heart a bunch...thanks to Hub's doctor's recommendation.)
She's really our last hope. I know that's putting a lot on her. But the differences between her and our current therapist are like night and day.
I want to make it clear that are current therapist is a really nice guy and I don't in any way mean to talk bad about him.
The new therapist has made me feel like this could be possible that she could really turn things around. I had never hired a therapist before but I had expected something along the lines of what this play therapist is offering us.
She's offering us:
A.) A treatment plan
B.) Goals to work towards that we are all accountable towards her for.
C.) Communication about what she has worked on with our child.
D.) Open Communication.
E.) Finding out more about the kids history and sharing it so we can both help the children together.
F.) Family sessions.
etc...
I'm so excited. Right now she only has room for one child. But it's a start. I just feel like this is what we've needed. We've needed guidance and direction and she just sooooo got it. She understood where I was coming from. She knew what I was talking about. She's on top of it and very thorough.
Can you imagine a treatment plan? An actual plan with goals that we will try to meet and discuss at each meeting and if we don't make those goals we are going to talk about what we can do to make those goals and if they reach those goals we will move on to new goals.
Even though it's only one kid, Hubs and I can carry it over to the other kids.
*doing cartwheels*
We had a wonderful day today. I mean the oldest still has her angst and I am totally offbase, blah blah blah...which just means I've got her number.
But the youngest... I'm so proud. He started his control crap at the table and we totally called him on it. Not only did he eat all his dinner but he stopped himself during the start of a tantrum and turned it around.
I actually got to read them ALL a book. It's been almost a year since I've been able to do it. Someone's always grounded or crying.
If we can be like this for at least 90% of the time, Hubs and I can deal with it. We can see moving forward with the adoption. We know that's as close to normal as we can get. We aren't asking for miracles.
I just hope it works and I worry that I'm getting too excited about it. Please God... make this be the answer.
She's really our last hope. I know that's putting a lot on her. But the differences between her and our current therapist are like night and day.
I want to make it clear that are current therapist is a really nice guy and I don't in any way mean to talk bad about him.
The new therapist has made me feel like this could be possible that she could really turn things around. I had never hired a therapist before but I had expected something along the lines of what this play therapist is offering us.
She's offering us:
A.) A treatment plan
B.) Goals to work towards that we are all accountable towards her for.
C.) Communication about what she has worked on with our child.
D.) Open Communication.
E.) Finding out more about the kids history and sharing it so we can both help the children together.
F.) Family sessions.
etc...
I'm so excited. Right now she only has room for one child. But it's a start. I just feel like this is what we've needed. We've needed guidance and direction and she just sooooo got it. She understood where I was coming from. She knew what I was talking about. She's on top of it and very thorough.
Can you imagine a treatment plan? An actual plan with goals that we will try to meet and discuss at each meeting and if we don't make those goals we are going to talk about what we can do to make those goals and if they reach those goals we will move on to new goals.
Even though it's only one kid, Hubs and I can carry it over to the other kids.
*doing cartwheels*
We had a wonderful day today. I mean the oldest still has her angst and I am totally offbase, blah blah blah...which just means I've got her number.
They had an excellent quiet time where they were actually quiet. It was beautiful and they were each rewarded with a Hershey's kiss.
But the youngest... I'm so proud. He started his control crap at the table and we totally called him on it. Not only did he eat all his dinner but he stopped himself during the start of a tantrum and turned it around.
I actually got to read them ALL a book. It's been almost a year since I've been able to do it. Someone's always grounded or crying.
If we can be like this for at least 90% of the time, Hubs and I can deal with it. We can see moving forward with the adoption. We know that's as close to normal as we can get. We aren't asking for miracles.
I just hope it works and I worry that I'm getting too excited about it. Please God... make this be the answer.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
A moment in my kitchen...
This morning I was loading the dishwasher. The kids were eating oatmeal and I was trying to get my kitchen to resemble some what of a kitchen rather than a disaster zone.
I had asked the oldest to throw out the trash because I was worried it would be too heavy for the child who normally takes out the trash.
She agreed.
Finished her breakfast and promptly left the kitchen.
I had just finished loading the dishwasher and was about to put the soap in when I turned and saw the trash still sitting there. I looked back to the table and she was gone.
Exasperated, I called to her. "TRASH!"
She came in "Oh snaps! I forgot!"
Shaking my head, I think to myself "that girl has the memory of a gnat."
Then I shut the door of the dishwasher and begin to look around.
I have no idea what I am doing or was doing or anything.
When I remember I was about to put soap in the dishwasher, I started chuckling to myself.
Now, who has the memory of a gnat?
I had asked the oldest to throw out the trash because I was worried it would be too heavy for the child who normally takes out the trash.
She agreed.
Finished her breakfast and promptly left the kitchen.
I had just finished loading the dishwasher and was about to put the soap in when I turned and saw the trash still sitting there. I looked back to the table and she was gone.
Exasperated, I called to her. "TRASH!"
She came in "Oh snaps! I forgot!"
Shaking my head, I think to myself "that girl has the memory of a gnat."
Then I shut the door of the dishwasher and begin to look around.
I have no idea what I am doing or was doing or anything.
When I remember I was about to put soap in the dishwasher, I started chuckling to myself.
Now, who has the memory of a gnat?
Picture this...
Yesterday my alarm didn't go off...at all.
Luckily, my oldest woke me up and I got everyone out the door and to school on time.
My alarm is 13 years old. It's due to be replaced but I kept putting it off. Even though I had already bought a replacement and had the replacement sitting nice and neatly still in the box right next to the old one.
Last night I finally gave up and just set up the new one. I unplugged the old one and set it next to the new one. When I set up the old one I decided I would take an extra half hour of sleep.
This morning, much to my shock. The old one went off. Yep. The unplugged old one went off. I grabbed it and fumbled in the dark, there were no digits or anything on the face. Lovely. I must have hit snooze because 10 minutes later it did the same thing. Finally, I thought I had turned it off. But of course the new alarm went off 10 minutes after that.
I hate alarms. Don't you?
I was talking to Hubs about it when he said "It has a battery."
I said "No it doesn't...I don't put batteries in my alarms."
Then I smiled foolishly. Two summers ago we had blackouts where I live. When the monsoons came, all power went out. I had put a battery in because even though I was consulting, I still had hours I had to be working. I had forgotten.
I sheepishly told Hubs "Oh yeah." then I quickly mentioned a conversation I had with my boss over the same clock years ago.
I used to live in California, land of the rolling blackouts. One morning I woke up to find I had no power. When I got to work, my boss told me I should buy one of those alarm clocks with a battery. I told him I had one, it just didn't have a battery in it. I remember he just shook his head. lol
That' s my story and I am sticking to it. lol
Luckily, my oldest woke me up and I got everyone out the door and to school on time.
My alarm is 13 years old. It's due to be replaced but I kept putting it off. Even though I had already bought a replacement and had the replacement sitting nice and neatly still in the box right next to the old one.
Last night I finally gave up and just set up the new one. I unplugged the old one and set it next to the new one. When I set up the old one I decided I would take an extra half hour of sleep.
This morning, much to my shock. The old one went off. Yep. The unplugged old one went off. I grabbed it and fumbled in the dark, there were no digits or anything on the face. Lovely. I must have hit snooze because 10 minutes later it did the same thing. Finally, I thought I had turned it off. But of course the new alarm went off 10 minutes after that.
I hate alarms. Don't you?
I was talking to Hubs about it when he said "It has a battery."
I said "No it doesn't...I don't put batteries in my alarms."
Then I smiled foolishly. Two summers ago we had blackouts where I live. When the monsoons came, all power went out. I had put a battery in because even though I was consulting, I still had hours I had to be working. I had forgotten.
I sheepishly told Hubs "Oh yeah." then I quickly mentioned a conversation I had with my boss over the same clock years ago.
I used to live in California, land of the rolling blackouts. One morning I woke up to find I had no power. When I got to work, my boss told me I should buy one of those alarm clocks with a battery. I told him I had one, it just didn't have a battery in it. I remember he just shook his head. lol
That' s my story and I am sticking to it. lol
Could've fooled me...
We have this game called Brainage or something like that. I'm the only one who uses it faithfully. I have to admit that my math skills have improved immensely.
I was worried because having worked from home and then taking care of the kids, I 've heard myself say some weird things that I know just don't make sense. I feel like my writing is history and my grammar...whew!
So when I took the Brain Age test and saw this:
I was shocked...my brain is young? Let's see that left side up closer...
Yep... I've got the brain of a 28 year old of all things.
Lord help me.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Busted!
Ok, my oldest is 11. She's very two faced. One way towards me/another way when she's out and about. Actually, she's more like eight faced. Anyway...
She acts like she's 16.
Things were really weird. I called to talk to her teacher and they told me that they thought she was on a field trip. WTF?
I never signed a permission slip. She's forged my name before.
I know she has the hots for a boy who doesn't care about her...at all.
I think to myself...WWHMD...What would her mother do??
Her mom was/still is the biggest whore on the block. My mom picked her up from many a cul-de-sac, yanking her off some boy here and there long before she finally got pregnant for the first time at 15.
I had to drop off some doctors excuses for the kids who had recently been to the dentist. I decided to wait and see if my hunch of WWHMD would come to pass.
Sure as my name is Sasha. I saw this child making a fool of herself. Only her. I waited and watched a little more to make sure, it was almost like seeing her mother making a fool out of herself when she was younger.
There was another girl with her, D. I know this girl and I know her parents are far more stricter than me. If they knew my kid's background they would forbid her to speak with my kid. She was looking flustered and there was my kid convincing her to go back. Finally, she gave in and went and that's when I went.
It happened so fast she didn't even know what hit her. I grabbed her arm like a toddler and led her from the area as I asked if that was where she was supposed to be. Of course, she tried to give me excuses. But I led her with the four other kids in tow.
Other than not having my permission to be there. The school does not allow children who aren't riding the buses to be out there.
If looks could kill, I would be dead.
I used to pull her mother out of places she wasn't supposed to be. I was responsible for this girl because I was the oldest and she made my life hell until I gave up and left it for my mom and her dad to figure out. I gave up and she got pregnant.
If I keep this one. I'm not giving up. I will be the biggest bitch she will ever cross. It just makes me sad and angry.
Sad that I have to be this type of Aunt and angry that I am being cheated of "normal" children and a family of my own.
Today, I went back and forth and back and forth and my heart felt heavy because when I thought of packing up all the kids stuff and sending them away, I felt physically better.
As I continued with that thought and how I would take back our rooms and have so much more space and then maybe one of those rooms would be a nursery I just felt like such a weight had been lifted and I felt relieved.
All I want is normal. I left my family behind because I didn't want to live like that. I wanted something more. But unknowingly, I invited all that crap into my home and I am struggling internally.
Can I make this work? Can I change these children? or is it too late. Will I waste the rest of my life chasing them trying to keep them straight in theirs?
My mom is still chasing my sister and my youngest one too. They are 27 and 23. I don't want to live like that.
She acts like she's 16.
Things were really weird. I called to talk to her teacher and they told me that they thought she was on a field trip. WTF?
I never signed a permission slip. She's forged my name before.
I know she has the hots for a boy who doesn't care about her...at all.
I think to myself...WWHMD...What would her mother do??
Her mom was/still is the biggest whore on the block. My mom picked her up from many a cul-de-sac, yanking her off some boy here and there long before she finally got pregnant for the first time at 15.
I had to drop off some doctors excuses for the kids who had recently been to the dentist. I decided to wait and see if my hunch of WWHMD would come to pass.
As my other kids came out, I casually asked the kids, as if I knew something, which bus does B ride?
Quickly they spit out the number. Another kid even told me the story of how she couldn't find her sister so she looked there and there she was.
Sure as my name is Sasha. I saw this child making a fool of herself. Only her. I waited and watched a little more to make sure, it was almost like seeing her mother making a fool out of herself when she was younger.
There was another girl with her, D. I know this girl and I know her parents are far more stricter than me. If they knew my kid's background they would forbid her to speak with my kid. She was looking flustered and there was my kid convincing her to go back. Finally, she gave in and went and that's when I went.
It happened so fast she didn't even know what hit her. I grabbed her arm like a toddler and led her from the area as I asked if that was where she was supposed to be. Of course, she tried to give me excuses. But I led her with the four other kids in tow.
Other than not having my permission to be there. The school does not allow children who aren't riding the buses to be out there.
If looks could kill, I would be dead.
I used to pull her mother out of places she wasn't supposed to be. I was responsible for this girl because I was the oldest and she made my life hell until I gave up and left it for my mom and her dad to figure out. I gave up and she got pregnant.
If I keep this one. I'm not giving up. I will be the biggest bitch she will ever cross. It just makes me sad and angry.
Sad that I have to be this type of Aunt and angry that I am being cheated of "normal" children and a family of my own.
Today, I went back and forth and back and forth and my heart felt heavy because when I thought of packing up all the kids stuff and sending them away, I felt physically better.
As I continued with that thought and how I would take back our rooms and have so much more space and then maybe one of those rooms would be a nursery I just felt like such a weight had been lifted and I felt relieved.
All I want is normal. I left my family behind because I didn't want to live like that. I wanted something more. But unknowingly, I invited all that crap into my home and I am struggling internally.
Can I make this work? Can I change these children? or is it too late. Will I waste the rest of my life chasing them trying to keep them straight in theirs?
My mom is still chasing my sister and my youngest one too. They are 27 and 23. I don't want to live like that.
Tackle It Tuesday
Finally I am able to get to Tackle It Tuesday. I've been doing tackles left and right and I have tackles to post but since this... my files still need to be transferred from backup. Pics and everything. I don't know when I will get those transferred. It will have to be one of my tackles!
Anyway, recent tackles were my kitchen. I have it half done the way I want it. I have " lazy little helpers" who throw things everywhere and don't have any regard for anything.
I labeled and organized the area where we keep our daily dishes so that I can fool myself into the false belief that the kids will actually read them and put stuff there...nicely.the kids would be able to find them and put them away easier.
Here they are:
The next thing I did was put these up in my pantry.
I've been wanting these because I used to keep this stuff in a drawer next to the stove but I needed the space to put my good silverware. So, finally they are up and I am loving them. I didn't trust that the kids wouldn't pull them off the inside of the doors of the cabinets so I put them up high.
I have to make a list of my new tackles for tomorrow. Maybe I should put them here and update.
- UPDATE: My internet was down, so I'll just cross out the things that I have done already.
- I have to plan out which cookies I am going to make and whose going to get them.
- I have to take out all the Christmas stuff and figure out what I am going to do about that. My Christmas decor (lights and all) go up December 1st.
- I have to steam clean my carpet in the hallway and the living room. Desperately.
Clean out the aquarium.Clean the Bettas homes.- Finish organizing the kitchen- i.e. Pots and pans area now. Fix the broken drawer that left. (I fixed two others when I did the stuff above)
- Work on gift crafts.
- Clear my new desk
- File paperwork
- Put out some letters in the mail.
- Make Christmas Card List.
I think I'll stop here. I'm making an impossible list. lol
For more tackles, click here.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Success!!
It came out just like my Mom's. My grandmother likes to add red chilies.
My Mom always said we were worthless and that the recipes were going to die with her. I figured it out without a recipe. Just from what I remembered watching her do...so there! lol
Next up will be either tamales or posole. I don't know which, I'm too busy pulling my hair out over these things.
What does it mean?
Ok, I had to be harsh on some of the kids. Some of you Moms will laugh at me. But... I couldn't figure out what to do with the two that were acting like total monsters.
I have grounded them, I have taken away privileges, desserts, toys, etc... I've sent them to bed early. I've tried to give them foods they don't like (you know the whole liver and broccoli concept.) Nothing works. They appear like heartless little...well you know.
Ready for the harshness? Yesterday, I allowed them to develop and choose their own punishments. That was hilarious. They listed everything we've already done. As each child alternated coming forth with their brilliant grounding ideas...we shot them down.
"Nope...tried that remember? You still didn't listen."
"Uh, uh... you said you would and you never did."
etc...
What they thought was a blessing soon became a burden-- they were frustrated.
"See what you guys do to us...frustrating isn't it? No fun."
We eventually compromised. The 7 year old will be doing all things dog... food, water and poop for two weeks. This is huge because the she claims to be very scared of going outside. Of course, when she wants to play...no problem.
The 6 year old decided she was going to de-weed the back side of the house. She said she would do the whole yard. But uh, we live on half an acre and actually most of it has been done already. Just not the back.
So we will see.
This morning... the one with dog duty was out there dumping out the ice block and getting the dogs fresh water. She fed them and even de-poo'ed (new word because I said so. lol ) them. I didn't expect her to pick up the poo in the morning but I will leave it.
As all the kids filed out of the van. The 6 year old lingered. I was saying my "good-byes" and "Have a good day!" stuff when she stopped and hugged me tightly.
I just don't get it.
They treat us so badly. I was telling Hubs this morning that I was starting to wonder if they thought being treated badly was a way of expressing love. They love us better or at least show us after they have treated us the worst.
Isn't that what an abuser does? They treat you like crap and then throw that curve ball in and make you feel special?
It's all so confusing.
I have grounded them, I have taken away privileges, desserts, toys, etc... I've sent them to bed early. I've tried to give them foods they don't like (you know the whole liver and broccoli concept.) Nothing works. They appear like heartless little...well you know.
Ready for the harshness? Yesterday, I allowed them to develop and choose their own punishments. That was hilarious. They listed everything we've already done. As each child alternated coming forth with their brilliant grounding ideas...we shot them down.
"Nope...tried that remember? You still didn't listen."
"Uh, uh... you said you would and you never did."
etc...
What they thought was a blessing soon became a burden-- they were frustrated.
"See what you guys do to us...frustrating isn't it? No fun."
We eventually compromised. The 7 year old will be doing all things dog... food, water and poop for two weeks. This is huge because the she claims to be very scared of going outside. Of course, when she wants to play...no problem.
The 6 year old decided she was going to de-weed the back side of the house. She said she would do the whole yard. But uh, we live on half an acre and actually most of it has been done already. Just not the back.
So we will see.
This morning... the one with dog duty was out there dumping out the ice block and getting the dogs fresh water. She fed them and even de-poo'ed (new word because I said so. lol ) them. I didn't expect her to pick up the poo in the morning but I will leave it.
As all the kids filed out of the van. The 6 year old lingered. I was saying my "good-byes" and "Have a good day!" stuff when she stopped and hugged me tightly.
I just don't get it.
They treat us so badly. I was telling Hubs this morning that I was starting to wonder if they thought being treated badly was a way of expressing love. They love us better or at least show us after they have treated us the worst.
Isn't that what an abuser does? They treat you like crap and then throw that curve ball in and make you feel special?
It's all so confusing.
Menu Plan Monday
Ok...Here's my menu for this week. I'm anxious to see what everyone else is up to!
Monday: Menudo- It's cooking right now and I hope it turns out. It's my best guesstimate of how my Mom and Grandma made it. Smells right so far. lol
Tuesday: Turkey with Rice Soup (moved from last week, where we totally forgot about it and made sandwiches instead.)
Wednesday: Taco Salad ( Long day--girl scouts and catechism)
Thursday: Take Out.
Friday: Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.
Saturday: BBQ Short ribs (going to try to make them in the crock pot,maybe overnight), steak fries and a salad.
Sunday: Beef Enchiladas and Spanish Rice.
For more yummy menus click here!
Riding the caffeine train...
Forgive me if I am not coherent in this post but my mind is swarming with unfinished thoughts, thoughts that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to complete.
I got about 2 hours of sleep. I stayed up all night so that I could make sure two of the kids wouldn't steal from us. It's so hard trying to prevent them from getting themselves in trouble when they are so hell bent on it.
Plus, they seem to have inherited the guilt-free gene and the point-the-finger gene, and the martyr gene from their parents.
Around 5 am, I heard the rustle and the tiny voices planning their strategic attack. What they didn't plan on was me-- sitting in the living room folding clothes and doing cross-stitch while watching Netflix on my PC.
Heh heh...they waited and waited and lo and behold....the sun! What is this madness?
Around 3 pm I finally crashed only to have to get up around 4:30 pm to try to go out and buy some milk for this week's breakfast.
Here's my background. It will be limited because I am not even privy to what exactly happened and there are investigations still going on (I think...)
January of 2006, I get a call from my mother...my youngest niece who just turned a year is hurt something happened. It's really bad. She's not responding.
I get off the phone. I tell Hubs I know she is dead. I still reach out for prayers but I know if she survives, she will just be a shell. She had just turned a year old a month earlier. There are "allegations" of abuse and trauma that I can surmise to be possible shaken baby syndrome.
See, I have a half sister...three of them actually. But this one...she takes the cake. She's the biggest whore loser in the world. I didn't talk to her before because I knew what she was and I don't associate with people like that. I told her the very thing that is happening now would come if she didn't change her ways.
I called CPS, I reported and reported. It was her "prerogative" as the mother. Meanwhile, the rest of my family kept me in the dark. Just as they are doing now. It's always been me and them. My mother is included in "them". She would die for them but if she had to do it for me, I know it would be more like "but if I do it for you, who will take care of them" type of thing. I'd never ask her to...and I'm not jealous. That's just the way it is.
I mention it because of the irony. Her mother did it to her as well when she remarried and had other children. To this day those other children come first no matter what they have done.
It just so happened that Hubs and I had just completed the foster training program where we live and we were looking to foster to see if we could handle children with Hubs condition and all. Hubs wants kids so badly. I'm indifferent...maybe I'll touch on that some day.
I told my mother that I would take in my sister's five remaining kids. I was told that she would fulfill her end of the deal and that she would get them back. But when I talked to people in charge, not my family, I was told there were no plans for reunification. None. Nada. zilch. zero.
I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust anyone. But I said if push came to shove, I would adopt.
The problem is...I knew there was something wrong with my sister. Something not right. But I never, ever, ever thought anything remotely near what these kids have told me and I never knew that they were so rotten, evil and conniving.
Yes, I am describing children...and yes, they have had traumatic experiences. But I have never seen such deception, such lake of morality, such heartlessness. They are good at hiding it. I tell people what they do to us and they find it hard to believe.
They each have their ways. The 11 year old is good at molding and reshaping herself. She's a different person to everyone. The 8 year old keeps her mouth shut and that's how she gets under the radar with people. The 7 year old, she has more of a temper and can't seem to keep it in check..but she thinks she's so cute that she can just cock her head to side and smile and the world will be right again. The 6 year old--she talks out of both sides of her mouth. She's smart and she uses it to her advantage. The 6 year old boy, he's violent both physically and verbally but only in our house and only to me and Hubs.
No one sees them for who they are. Everyone feels so sorry for them. Heck, Hubs and I did too...But then we grew wise quickly. They have everyone fooled. No one has ever seen their true colors. The closest is the 7 year old's teacher. From my understanding... the college student who was doing her internship in the classroom bolted and changed her mind about becoming a teacher because of my 7 year old and she didn't even give them everything she has. They just saw a glimpse of the surface.
They are so devious they even go so far as to use the death of their sister to get their way and to gain attention. People tell me this is normal?? How can it be? I cannot permit such a thing. It is so disrespectful. People can't tell me that they just don't know what they are doing because they do. I've told them and if they know enough to use it for sympathy and to get their way, they damn well know enough not to do it and why not.
I did not have a childhood myself, and I was abused and molested. I've never used that as an excuse. Did I endure the same abuse as they did? Probably not. But there are the scars from the physical, emotional and mental abuse I took my whole life. They are young and I will give them that they may not know the opportunities that have opened up to them being here with me; but I'll be damned if I let them use the past as an excuse not to move forward. As a survivor, they can't tell me. Some people think that I am being harsh. I don't understand how. Stuff happens. You pick yourself up and dust yourself off and you move forward. If you don't you are just living a slow suicide in my opinion.
I keep coming to this crossroads. In the beginning. All signs pointed to God wanting this to happen. The coincidence of our fostering license and our house being the right size for all these kids. But now, I don't know.
It's not cold feet. I know I can do this. But it's a question of if I really want to. I had no choice when it came to losing my childhood. I made stupid choices when I was a teen and in my early 20s choosing to basically raise my ex-step-sister's 4 kids for several years and then taking care of my sister when she became pregnant at 15.
But I am 31 now and this here is my time. Hubs and I had just started planning our lives. If I do this and I am unable to change the kids, I'll have wasted yet another part of my life and after that, what will be left?
We had plans for children. We don't know if we are able to, but if we are... what would we be bringing that child into? Lying, thieving, promiscuity, possible abuse? There are no signs of change in these kids. The only thing they have gotten better at is hiding there indiscretions.
If we can't have children, we cannot even adopt. Because we have them.
Some might be asking, you have 5, why would you want more?
If you have a child, think about the sweetness and the innocence and the connection that you have with your child. Think about how you have molded that child and all the happy times you share on your blog and just in your life.
Why should we be denied that?
Because we are trying to keep a family together? It hardly seems fair and when weighed the trade off just does not seem right.
I am their Aunt. I will never be their mother. I don't want to be their mother either.
I try everything I can think of. They are in therapy, I consult books and forums and social workers and parents and no one has a word to give us. Nobody knows what to do with them either.
It seems like we are met with a "better you than me".
I'm trying but I just don't know if we are the right answer anymore. If we quit, the 11 year old will most likely grow up in the system until she ages out and I know that the others will be abused again.
They were abused the short time that they were in foster care before they came to me. I fear that they will end up being one of the kids where the foster parent killed the child. They will be separated.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I think that, even though I am not directly related to them, I am still too close. Sometimes I think that separation from each other and all family might save them. Other times, I think despite their ages, they are already lost.
I wish I knew someone, anyone, who has been in my position. Someone with some wisdom and insight about this exact thing. But this stuff here... this "family" stuff...it's what VC Andrews books are made of. And God... seems he's leaving this one up to me.*
*mental picture of God shrugging his shoulders and saying "Sorry, I've got nothin'"
I got about 2 hours of sleep. I stayed up all night so that I could make sure two of the kids wouldn't steal from us. It's so hard trying to prevent them from getting themselves in trouble when they are so hell bent on it.
Plus, they seem to have inherited the guilt-free gene and the point-the-finger gene, and the martyr gene from their parents.
Around 5 am, I heard the rustle and the tiny voices planning their strategic attack. What they didn't plan on was me-- sitting in the living room folding clothes and doing cross-stitch while watching Netflix on my PC.
Heh heh...they waited and waited and lo and behold....the sun! What is this madness?
Around 3 pm I finally crashed only to have to get up around 4:30 pm to try to go out and buy some milk for this week's breakfast.
Here's my background. It will be limited because I am not even privy to what exactly happened and there are investigations still going on (I think...)
January of 2006, I get a call from my mother...my youngest niece who just turned a year is hurt something happened. It's really bad. She's not responding.
I get off the phone. I tell Hubs I know she is dead. I still reach out for prayers but I know if she survives, she will just be a shell. She had just turned a year old a month earlier. There are "allegations" of abuse and trauma that I can surmise to be possible shaken baby syndrome.
See, I have a half sister...three of them actually. But this one...she takes the cake. She's the biggest whore loser in the world. I didn't talk to her before because I knew what she was and I don't associate with people like that. I told her the very thing that is happening now would come if she didn't change her ways.
I called CPS, I reported and reported. It was her "prerogative" as the mother. Meanwhile, the rest of my family kept me in the dark. Just as they are doing now. It's always been me and them. My mother is included in "them". She would die for them but if she had to do it for me, I know it would be more like "but if I do it for you, who will take care of them" type of thing. I'd never ask her to...and I'm not jealous. That's just the way it is.
I mention it because of the irony. Her mother did it to her as well when she remarried and had other children. To this day those other children come first no matter what they have done.
It just so happened that Hubs and I had just completed the foster training program where we live and we were looking to foster to see if we could handle children with Hubs condition and all. Hubs wants kids so badly. I'm indifferent...maybe I'll touch on that some day.
I told my mother that I would take in my sister's five remaining kids. I was told that she would fulfill her end of the deal and that she would get them back. But when I talked to people in charge, not my family, I was told there were no plans for reunification. None. Nada. zilch. zero.
I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust anyone. But I said if push came to shove, I would adopt.
The problem is...I knew there was something wrong with my sister. Something not right. But I never, ever, ever thought anything remotely near what these kids have told me and I never knew that they were so rotten, evil and conniving.
Yes, I am describing children...and yes, they have had traumatic experiences. But I have never seen such deception, such lake of morality, such heartlessness. They are good at hiding it. I tell people what they do to us and they find it hard to believe.
They each have their ways. The 11 year old is good at molding and reshaping herself. She's a different person to everyone. The 8 year old keeps her mouth shut and that's how she gets under the radar with people. The 7 year old, she has more of a temper and can't seem to keep it in check..but she thinks she's so cute that she can just cock her head to side and smile and the world will be right again. The 6 year old--she talks out of both sides of her mouth. She's smart and she uses it to her advantage. The 6 year old boy, he's violent both physically and verbally but only in our house and only to me and Hubs.
No one sees them for who they are. Everyone feels so sorry for them. Heck, Hubs and I did too...But then we grew wise quickly. They have everyone fooled. No one has ever seen their true colors. The closest is the 7 year old's teacher. From my understanding... the college student who was doing her internship in the classroom bolted and changed her mind about becoming a teacher because of my 7 year old and she didn't even give them everything she has. They just saw a glimpse of the surface.
They are so devious they even go so far as to use the death of their sister to get their way and to gain attention. People tell me this is normal?? How can it be? I cannot permit such a thing. It is so disrespectful. People can't tell me that they just don't know what they are doing because they do. I've told them and if they know enough to use it for sympathy and to get their way, they damn well know enough not to do it and why not.
I did not have a childhood myself, and I was abused and molested. I've never used that as an excuse. Did I endure the same abuse as they did? Probably not. But there are the scars from the physical, emotional and mental abuse I took my whole life. They are young and I will give them that they may not know the opportunities that have opened up to them being here with me; but I'll be damned if I let them use the past as an excuse not to move forward. As a survivor, they can't tell me. Some people think that I am being harsh. I don't understand how. Stuff happens. You pick yourself up and dust yourself off and you move forward. If you don't you are just living a slow suicide in my opinion.
I keep coming to this crossroads. In the beginning. All signs pointed to God wanting this to happen. The coincidence of our fostering license and our house being the right size for all these kids. But now, I don't know.
It's not cold feet. I know I can do this. But it's a question of if I really want to. I had no choice when it came to losing my childhood. I made stupid choices when I was a teen and in my early 20s choosing to basically raise my ex-step-sister's 4 kids for several years and then taking care of my sister when she became pregnant at 15.
But I am 31 now and this here is my time. Hubs and I had just started planning our lives. If I do this and I am unable to change the kids, I'll have wasted yet another part of my life and after that, what will be left?
We had plans for children. We don't know if we are able to, but if we are... what would we be bringing that child into? Lying, thieving, promiscuity, possible abuse? There are no signs of change in these kids. The only thing they have gotten better at is hiding there indiscretions.
If we can't have children, we cannot even adopt. Because we have them.
Some might be asking, you have 5, why would you want more?
If you have a child, think about the sweetness and the innocence and the connection that you have with your child. Think about how you have molded that child and all the happy times you share on your blog and just in your life.
Why should we be denied that?
Because we are trying to keep a family together? It hardly seems fair and when weighed the trade off just does not seem right.
I am their Aunt. I will never be their mother. I don't want to be their mother either.
I try everything I can think of. They are in therapy, I consult books and forums and social workers and parents and no one has a word to give us. Nobody knows what to do with them either.
It seems like we are met with a "better you than me".
I'm trying but I just don't know if we are the right answer anymore. If we quit, the 11 year old will most likely grow up in the system until she ages out and I know that the others will be abused again.
They were abused the short time that they were in foster care before they came to me. I fear that they will end up being one of the kids where the foster parent killed the child. They will be separated.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I think that, even though I am not directly related to them, I am still too close. Sometimes I think that separation from each other and all family might save them. Other times, I think despite their ages, they are already lost.
I wish I knew someone, anyone, who has been in my position. Someone with some wisdom and insight about this exact thing. But this stuff here... this "family" stuff...it's what VC Andrews books are made of. And God... seems he's leaving this one up to me.*
*mental picture of God shrugging his shoulders and saying "Sorry, I've got nothin'"
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Oh yeah!
I forgot to mention we got snow Thanksgiving day and all day today. It was like a snowglobe...so beautiful.
I forgot to take pictures during the day today, but this is what I have from Thanksgiving night.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Happy Belated Thanksgiving!!
I hope your Thanksgiving was excellent mine went pretty well. Except I lost a Betta. Lil Orange Crush Betta. I think he may have had problems when I bought him. He was so much smaller than all the others and he didn't seem to grow like the others have. He was fine until I gave him his Thanksgiving dinner. I think the little krill was still too big for him. Poor boy. I've never lost a Betta before.
I've been trying to get together a little slideshow or something of our Thanksgiving pictures but for some reason the program I used to work changed and is all messed up. So, I'm looking for a different one that will do the job.
This is what I am doing right now. 
and laundry and this...
I freaked out today because I realized that I have a ton of craft projects to finish in less than a month. What in the world I was thinking? I have no idea. I guess I wasn't. lol
I was up until just before 5am yesterday cleaning the kitchen. Argh! I'm still not done. I didn't realize the disaster that the kids have made it. They have chores that they must do and I thought everything was great but that's only because they get things for me and just jump in before I get a chance to see. Now I know why. What.a.mess.
So how was your Thanksgiving?
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Keebler??
So, yesterday was the longest day of my life. I'm not sure why but the day was just crammed with too much stuff and chaos and argh!
Two dentist appointments, I couldn't find one of the kids because she wasn't in all the places they told me to look for her at school. Figures! 35 minutes later we bumped into her on accident. I had to call the dentist and let them know we were late. It just snowballed from there but the dentist was kind enough to still see the kids and each now has two more appointments. We now have dentist appointments every Monday well into the New Year.
The kids had lunch already and of course had been to the dentist. But Hubs and I hadn't eaten a thing and it was already after 2 pm. We decided to stop and grab a quick bite. I bought the kids milk. People stared. I made it clear that they had eaten at school already and were just coming from the dentist meanwhile Hubs and I had headaches.
Still people stared. It was lovely because the kids have big mouths. They talk like we are in another state even though we are sitting right across from them and of course they had to talk about how their mom and dad locked them in the bathroom and wouldn't let them sleep on the bed, etc... Good times. People really stared. I said "Well that's why you are not there anymore and you are here with us." But still I was livid.
The kids always choose to speak loudly and talk about the abuse in public places. People stare. It all pisses me off. Sometimes I feel like the kids are playing it up for sympathy, they talk about these things and they look to see who is listening and then they sometimes embellish. Some man gave the boy a toy from the kid's meal he ate. I was angry about that because he didn't ask me if he could. The boy is in serious trouble and I already knew what he was going to do with it and of course he did. He kept flashing it in front of his sister's faces and then he wouldn't let them see or touch it until I took it away causing more drama.
Hubs and I decided we were going to try to do some last minute Thanksgiving dinner shopping with all the kids because we ran out of time. Big mistake. On top of the kids being themselves, Hubs was having spasming issues that made him overheat. We stood in the frozen section with 5 kids. Hubs halfway in a freezer. I wanted him to go home but he didn't want to go. A paramedic came up and said she noticed we were trying to cool him down and asked if he was ok. I told her he was. Turns out his foot glovelike thing on his chair was too tight and that's what caused all the spasms. We went home anyway.
I still had to go out and do the shopping. Oh, yeah, maybe that's why my day seemed so long. I dropped the oldest off at violin class. Her class is at 7 am, which gave me an hour with the other kids before they had to be dropped off. I decided I would be brilliant and take them to get dress shoes because the oldest already has hers. 3 girls trying on dress shoes at 7:15 in the morning before school. Tell me I am a masochist.
Anyway, the shoes and the spasms happened at the same store meaning I was there twice already in one day. The people know me already and it's embarrassing. I had to go back still because I didn't get all the things I needed while I was there. Except I was too embarrassed to go back to that one so I went to one farther away. It was about 10pm.
I'm forgetting to mention that I had to go out that night because the oldest decided all on her own that she was going to do a presentation report on Dirt Surprise which is pudding, crushed oreos and gummy worms. Oh and she needs napkins, cups and spoons too--for the whole class. I could have wrung her neck.
So, I am at the other store. I'm feeling self conscious (which isn't usual for me) because I decided I was going to try to remember how my mom makes Menudo, Posole and Tamales. I actually wasn't self-conscious until I went to buy the tripe and beef oxtails and saw that there was tongue...huge tongue sitting next to it. I mean I knew I was going to feel a little weird buying beef oxtails. But the tongue. I always thought my mom was kidding when she said "tongue, just eat it". I thought she was just tired and being sarcastic.
I did not buy tongue.
But the oxtails made me nervous.
Fast forward to check out. I put all my crap on the counter. I bought various items. Some sewing things for gifts, the tamale and soup fixings, etc...
There was girl in line behind me. She asked me about the oxtails. I told her what they were like. She was interested,and told her mom, her mom was a witch with a b who looked like she's stuck a lot of different meat in her mouth if you know what I mean.
I felt badly for the girl.
I felt badly for the girl. When my turn came the cashier was talking to me about how she was good at sewing and she wondered how long it would take her to pick it up again. I told her I always wanted to take home ec but never got it. I always got engineering or computer programming. She said I was better off.
Then bless her heart (lol), she asked me if I was almost done with school. I told her I already had my degree.
Then she said "Oh and you make tamales too." as she scanned some of my stuff. I told her I was going to try to remember how my mom did it.
She said something that sounded initially like "You cook, you sew and you are smart. You are a keebler."
I was instantly confused and slightly offended. A keebler elf?
Because yeah, that's what someone would say right? I am 5 ft 1.
In my defense, it was almost 11 pm and I still had a grocery store, gas and prescriptions to pick up.
I realized slightly delayed (when I climbed into the van to leave.) that she said "Keeper". As in you're great. Not as in Keebler--you factory elf.
I finally got home just after midnight.
At the grocery store I had 5 stocker guys looking for turkey lacers for me. Have you ever seen guys looking for a little string (or rope as they called it). One guy asked if I couldn't put yarn or something. I told him it would color my turkey and I believe I made up some awesome bs that went something like "Oh, you see that's a special rope. it's allllll natural, no coloring, no flavoring, just all natural fabriclike stuff. For food. You know?"
He was like "Yeah, yeah." Another guy was like "I know exxaaactly what you are talking about." I was tired but still able to screw around with the situation. Be honest you would have too. lol
Turns out they were all out of lacers.
I got to bed around three this morning. I'm exhausted.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Menu Plan Monday
Trying to pull it all back together again.
Monday: Spaghetti with Meatsauce, Salad and French Bread
Tuesday: Bacon Cheeseburgers, Corn and Doritos
Wednesday: Meatball Soup and Corn bread
Thursday: Thanksgiving Dinner!
Friday: Leftovers!
Saturday:Teriyaki Chicken and White Rice Burritos
Sunday: Turkey and Rice Soup, Brown and Serve Rolls
For other yummy menus click here!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Please Pray For Muddy...
I know he's a cat. He's the blogging cat and I love his blog. I've been reading him for a long time.
Please pray for the meds to work for him.
Thanks.
Please pray for the meds to work for him.
Thanks.
She needs therapy...lots of it.
So, yesterday the kids therapist did a home visit and as we were sitting in the living room doing a family therapy session in comes my middle cat, Purries. (We have 3).
She's carrying her teddy bear in her mouth and she's meowing a high pitch scream for good measure, I guess. I was so embarrassed. I tried to play it off but then it got worse.
The kids were all sprawled across the floor in a half circle. Purries joined the circle. That wasn't good enough for her. She went up to the therapist and jumped on his lap where she then put her face in his.
I told him she needed therapy too. I said she's been acting awful talking back, etc... he chuckled. Then I yelled to Purries to get down and go to her room. She turned around and did her meow ow ow ow thing to me (talking back) and she shot me dirty looks. I looked at the therapist and said "you see." Then I told her to get down again. She did but not happily.
As she was leaving, the therapist said she had to learn it from somewhere and he looked at each of the kids.
Purrs picked up her teddy and went back to her room.
Cats...they are crazy aren't they?
I'm going to try to get her talking back to me on video so I can post it here. It's something else.
She's carrying her teddy bear in her mouth and she's meowing a high pitch scream for good measure, I guess. I was so embarrassed. I tried to play it off but then it got worse.
The kids were all sprawled across the floor in a half circle. Purries joined the circle. That wasn't good enough for her. She went up to the therapist and jumped on his lap where she then put her face in his.
I told him she needed therapy too. I said she's been acting awful talking back, etc... he chuckled. Then I yelled to Purries to get down and go to her room. She turned around and did her meow ow ow ow thing to me (talking back) and she shot me dirty looks. I looked at the therapist and said "you see." Then I told her to get down again. She did but not happily.
As she was leaving, the therapist said she had to learn it from somewhere and he looked at each of the kids.
Purrs picked up her teddy and went back to her room.
Cats...they are crazy aren't they?
I'm going to try to get her talking back to me on video so I can post it here. It's something else.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Peter Pan is in our room!
Last night... our bedroom. Lights out.
Me: Peter Pan is in our room.
Hubs: huh?
Me: Peter Pan is in our room can you see it? There's his hat, his nose and his chin. Can you see it?
Hubs: Oh yeah.
Me: The other way looks like the Sphinx.
Hubs: Silence.
Me: It does, see Peter Pan's features reversed are the wide bridge of the nose. It's there look! Do you see it yet?
Hubs: Silence.
Me: The back side of Peter Pan's head looks like a fish with an open mouth. It does. Clear as day.
Hubs: *ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Me: *rolling my eyes in the dark*
Me: Peter Pan is in our room.
Hubs: huh?
Me: Peter Pan is in our room can you see it? There's his hat, his nose and his chin. Can you see it?
Hubs: Oh yeah.
Me: The other way looks like the Sphinx.
Hubs: Silence.
Me: It does, see Peter Pan's features reversed are the wide bridge of the nose. It's there look! Do you see it yet?
Hubs: Silence.
Me: The back side of Peter Pan's head looks like a fish with an open mouth. It does. Clear as day.
Hubs: *ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Me: *rolling my eyes in the dark*
Thursday, November 15, 2007
She WANTED this...
This is Crazy Drama Queen (CDQ)-- She had a dentist appointment on Monday. She was getting a cavity filled and sealants.
When she came to me last year, she came with big thick brown spots on her two front teeth. I didn't know what it was but soon found out it was tooth decay build up. (ick) She had been working on it and brushing it down and it was almost completely gone.
The Dentist said that they were baby teeth and that the nerves were dead so there was no danger of the cavity going into her new teeth. (Ok, if I don't make sense it's because I've only had four cavities in my life and I got them when I was 19-20 and I had braces. The brackets in the back that go around the back teeth is where I got the cavities on the sides of the teeth where the brackets covered. So, all this crown, cavity, cement stuff is new to me.)
He said the teeth were basically dead and they could be pulled or we could just wait until they fell off.
Well CDQ decided she wanted them pulled because she wanted to buy a bottle water and a half a pickle at school. I could see the wheels turning. All that attention when she goes back to school and when everyone saw her....whew!
She's going to live on this until the teeth come in. Really, she's all about drama and attention to a point of obsession.
So here she is without her two front teeth. See that crazed look? I had to remind her that they had ALREADY pulled the teeth.
When she came to me last year, she came with big thick brown spots on her two front teeth. I didn't know what it was but soon found out it was tooth decay build up. (ick) She had been working on it and brushing it down and it was almost completely gone.
The Dentist said that they were baby teeth and that the nerves were dead so there was no danger of the cavity going into her new teeth. (Ok, if I don't make sense it's because I've only had four cavities in my life and I got them when I was 19-20 and I had braces. The brackets in the back that go around the back teeth is where I got the cavities on the sides of the teeth where the brackets covered. So, all this crown, cavity, cement stuff is new to me.)
He said the teeth were basically dead and they could be pulled or we could just wait until they fell off.
Well CDQ decided she wanted them pulled because she wanted to buy a bottle water and a half a pickle at school. I could see the wheels turning. All that attention when she goes back to school and when everyone saw her....whew!
She's going to live on this until the teeth come in. Really, she's all about drama and attention to a point of obsession.
So here she is without her two front teeth. See that crazed look? I had to remind her that they had ALREADY pulled the teeth.
Here she is relaxed. Sadly, she still hasn't realized that she is not going to be able to eat that half pickle tomorrow without some work.
There she is pointing to the tooth fairy pillow where both her teeth were nestled safely.
Note that I got smart and hung the pillow on the front door knob. It was torture waiting until they fell asleep and not forgetting about it, ya know? Not only that, it's like mission impossible when they move the pillow from the location that you both put it at before they went to sleep. Then I'm stuck looking carefully under them, under the bed, arm stuck deep under the pillow.
This is just easier.
She did well, she didn't really know what she was in for. She didn't know about the pliers or needle. She freaked out a little until I told her she was doing way better than her older sister did.
Kids...they are crazy!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Turkey Butter, Turkey Butter...
Turkey Butter! (Sang to the tune of You Can Do It, or something like that from Cinderella.)
I dropped the kids off at school this morning and off I went, singing away to myself in the van.
I got to the store and the parking lot wasn't too crowded but there was a part of me who was envisioning this huge display of Turkey Butter and a line out the door.
I went in the store and grabbed one of those mini-carts and took off. I was dodging people left and right. I could see fear in the eyes of some of the shoppers as I swerved around them.
I went around the parameter of the store and NO turkey butter display. Fear started to creep up. It's 8:45 am, could I have missed it already? ARGH!
I decided to end at the butter section, where I was still expecting a huge turkey butter display. Nothing.
Then the clouds parted and the sun shone through and right between some freaky green olive oil butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... there it was!
All SIX boxes. That's ALL that was there.
I dropped the kids off at school this morning and off I went, singing away to myself in the van.
I got to the store and the parking lot wasn't too crowded but there was a part of me who was envisioning this huge display of Turkey Butter and a line out the door.
I went in the store and grabbed one of those mini-carts and took off. I was dodging people left and right. I could see fear in the eyes of some of the shoppers as I swerved around them.
I went around the parameter of the store and NO turkey butter display. Fear started to creep up. It's 8:45 am, could I have missed it already? ARGH!
I decided to end at the butter section, where I was still expecting a huge turkey butter display. Nothing.
Then the clouds parted and the sun shone through and right between some freaky green olive oil butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter... there it was!
All SIX boxes. That's ALL that was there.
I grabbed for three of them and I was inspecting them when this woman tried to push me out with her cart. One of the boxes was crushed so I was reaching to exchange it and she tried to cut me off. Can you believe it? I knew it was a conspiracy!
But I still left with my three boxes of turkey butter and a bounce in my walk. LOL!!!
Isn't it beautiful?
A year's worth of waiting, realized. It's the little things that make me crazy, isn't it?
I don't have the Turkey or even the bread that this butter is going to go on...but right now, it's all good in the world.
Next month, Christmas Tree Butter.
Wow, an award for me?? *blush*
Kandy over at Ramblings of a Redneck Woman gave me this Wonder Woman Award.I've never been given a blog award before and I was pretty shocked when I read that she thought I was worthy.
I've been thinking a lot about revamping this blog and maybe putting things out there. I've kept some stuff to myself because I didn't want to be found by certain people but honestly, I'm getting tired of people dictating my life and having to walk on eggshells well others are living life freely. I think a lot of my stress stems from trying to please the crowd and it's time that I pull back and center and do what I need to do even if it means I lose the kids.
All this will make more sense as I start to work towards what I want this blog to be.
Thanks again Kandy for this award. I think you are a Wonder Woman too!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The shut out---or my weird mission...
For the past three years I have tried to buy Turkey Butter. You know...the butter sculpted to look like a turkey.
I present to you exhibit A. 
We only have one store that sells it and they have sold out every year. Every year, I go in and ask "where is it?" on the first day of the sale and they tell me "OH, that...it's gone." I've never even seen it live and in person.
Last year, I vowed that I would get my hands on some turkey butter this year. I've been reminding myself at random intervals "Turkey Butter". Even Hubs is in on the action.
I've been stalking the ads, calling the store, and FINALLY! It's on sale tomorrow. The plan, drop the kids off at school and go straight to said store. Purchase the elusive Turkey Butter and come straight home.
I will go postal if they tell me it's gone. POST-AL.
I believe there is a conspiracy and tomorrow--tomorrow is the culmination and moment of truth.
LOL!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Wii Got it...(Found this in my drafts...oops)
I have to admit, Wii almost took it back too.
The kids were awful. I had one kid...ONE out of FIVE, that participated in the Halloween party and it wasn't even the oldest.
It makes me angry because Hubby and I were so excited and happy to get this for them. I ran out to go get it bright and early and I was so relieved to have it and he was happy we could afford it and then it was like slap after slap with them just misbehaving.
I had just started Christmas shopping.We decided that whatever presents we have already purchased are what they get and we are done. Even if a couple only get one present.
I think they were so spoiled by Christmas last year they think they can do what they want and still get their way.
What Hubs got me (Finally!) !!!
Ok, I finally found my camera. Ignore the mess in this pic....but tada! See that sparkle? 
He got me a kick butt laptop and what kicks butt even more is that it was waaaaay cheap. I love it because it means I won't have to wait for him to get off the computer (which is why I suspect he got me this, so he wouldn't have to get off.) I can go anywhere in the house because we have wireless access. Actually, our whole town is wireless for free so I can go anywhere. I wish I would have remembered that before I locked myself in with Q*west for life. Oh well...
Now my only problem is finding the time to use the computer. The kid's insurance came through on the first so I have a ton o' appointments this week. We had one today, one tomorrow, we were supposed to have 5 on Wednesday, and two on Thursday but we had a cancellation and a reschedule for Thursday. So now it's just 3 on Wednesday which is good enough for me since that's catechism night. Phew.
This also means I can get back to school. One way or another.
Hey, let me ask you a question? I love these slippers (and the flannels, yeah they don't match but that doesn't stop me from dropping the kids off at school any-way. lol) But don't they look like they are on backwards.
Here's a normal shot.
Here's a crossed leg shot. 
These little basketballs are on the side so I assumed that they went on the outside, because why would they go on the inside?
He got me a kick butt laptop and what kicks butt even more is that it was waaaaay cheap. I love it because it means I won't have to wait for him to get off the computer (which is why I suspect he got me this, so he wouldn't have to get off.) I can go anywhere in the house because we have wireless access. Actually, our whole town is wireless for free so I can go anywhere. I wish I would have remembered that before I locked myself in with Q*west for life. Oh well...Now my only problem is finding the time to use the computer. The kid's insurance came through on the first so I have a ton o' appointments this week. We had one today, one tomorrow, we were supposed to have 5 on Wednesday, and two on Thursday but we had a cancellation and a reschedule for Thursday. So now it's just 3 on Wednesday which is good enough for me since that's catechism night. Phew.
This also means I can get back to school. One way or another.
Hey, let me ask you a question? I love these slippers (and the flannels, yeah they don't match but that doesn't stop me from dropping the kids off at school any-way. lol) But don't they look like they are on backwards.
Here's a normal shot.
Here's a crossed leg shot. 
These little basketballs are on the side so I assumed that they went on the outside, because why would they go on the inside?
Hmmmmm...
What is wrong with people?
Ok, so today we were out with the seven year old because she had a dentist appointment (more on that later). So that means that Hubs was with me.
The school parking lot is a battlefield. They installed these plastic-like speedbumps that are like a foot high.
This is bad for two reasons.
1.) Hub's face hits his control and he is rocked practically out of his wheelchair and
2.) We have a handicap van whose floor is dropped 8 inches so that Hubs can get in the van.
So that means that Hubs gets beat up and knocked around and the van gets scraped underneath. Not good.
I can drive around a few of the speed bumps. But not the whole lot. Usually when I get there the handicap parking is taken. We are talking about 4 spaces with 6 cars parked there. People park in the spaces meant for van accessibility like my hubby's van. You know where the striped lines are? Yeah, they make those parking spaces.
So, I hover, not park, around the curb of one of the parking areas. My kids aren't coming to the van where I am at (no way are they allowed to step foot in the parking lot. period) and I'm not getting down. I'm basically waiting for the first space to open up.
The woman who parks there and I sort of have this unspoken agreement. She parks there and gets her kid like in no time and then I wait and take her space when she leaves.
Well, today this van drove by really close and the woman in the passenger seat loudly said "no parking." It was a driveby reprimand.
This pissed me off for several reasons:
a.) I was not parked. My car was not in park.
b.) If you have something to say, be a woman and get down and come tell me so I can see your face as I smash it to the concrete.
c.) If you're stupid, keep your mouth shut.
d.) If you're a total asshole, you better keep moving.
I said some words of my own and life went on.
Except, when I parked, whaddaya know?
Guess who's parked on the striped lines of the handicap parking spaces?
One, guess...
If you guessed it was the hypocrite loser who yelled "No parking" to me.
Ding ding ding, you're a winner!
She even had the audacity to stare my van down as she walked by. 'Cept I didn't know it was her until she climbed in the van...in which case. I smiled sweetly as I looked over in disgust and said in a loud sing song voice "NO PAR-KING!"
The school parking lot is a battlefield. They installed these plastic-like speedbumps that are like a foot high.
This is bad for two reasons.
1.) Hub's face hits his control and he is rocked practically out of his wheelchair and
2.) We have a handicap van whose floor is dropped 8 inches so that Hubs can get in the van.
So that means that Hubs gets beat up and knocked around and the van gets scraped underneath. Not good.
I can drive around a few of the speed bumps. But not the whole lot. Usually when I get there the handicap parking is taken. We are talking about 4 spaces with 6 cars parked there. People park in the spaces meant for van accessibility like my hubby's van. You know where the striped lines are? Yeah, they make those parking spaces.
So, I hover, not park, around the curb of one of the parking areas. My kids aren't coming to the van where I am at (no way are they allowed to step foot in the parking lot. period) and I'm not getting down. I'm basically waiting for the first space to open up.
The woman who parks there and I sort of have this unspoken agreement. She parks there and gets her kid like in no time and then I wait and take her space when she leaves.
Well, today this van drove by really close and the woman in the passenger seat loudly said "no parking." It was a driveby reprimand.
This pissed me off for several reasons:
a.) I was not parked. My car was not in park.
b.) If you have something to say, be a woman and get down and come tell me so I can see your face as I smash it to the concrete.
c.) If you're stupid, keep your mouth shut.
d.) If you're a total asshole, you better keep moving.
I said some words of my own and life went on.
Except, when I parked, whaddaya know?
Guess who's parked on the striped lines of the handicap parking spaces?
One, guess...
If you guessed it was the hypocrite loser who yelled "No parking" to me.
Ding ding ding, you're a winner!
She even had the audacity to stare my van down as she walked by. 'Cept I didn't know it was her until she climbed in the van...in which case. I smiled sweetly as I looked over in disgust and said in a loud sing song voice "NO PAR-KING!"
Sunday, November 11, 2007
What do you do?
What do you do when you have 5 kids
who behave like animals?
who lie?
who steal from you?
who break things because they are physically able to?
who keep secrets?
who are boy crazy?
who are hateful?
who are disrespectful?
who are filthy?
etc...etc...
I am at the end of my rope.
My sister did a good job ruining these kids and I don't think I can fix them.
We have simple basic rules. They choose not to keep them.
Grounding them, taking away activities, time out, none of it works.
They say it takes time. It's been a year and there is no progress. What if they don't change? What if I end up like my mother? I'm already half way there and it's only been a year.
I feel like if the kids stay like this, they will kill me.
I'm not getting any help from social workers or the therapist. They don't seem to have any help to give. I don't know what my rights are and it's like because I am related I have no rights.
I've tried all that I know how to try. I'm not asking for too much.
All I ask is that they be honest, try hard at everything they do and take care of things.
It's too hard for them. It's easier for them to be devious, nasty and lazy.
I've made up incentive programs with rewards and everything for them. They don't care. I have mini parties with fun foods and movies or games. They don't care. I've taken everything from them and stripped things down to essentials. They don't care.
What's a person to do?
who behave like animals?
who lie?
who steal from you?
who break things because they are physically able to?
who keep secrets?
who are boy crazy?
who are hateful?
who are disrespectful?
who are filthy?
etc...etc...
I am at the end of my rope.
My sister did a good job ruining these kids and I don't think I can fix them.
We have simple basic rules. They choose not to keep them.
Grounding them, taking away activities, time out, none of it works.
They say it takes time. It's been a year and there is no progress. What if they don't change? What if I end up like my mother? I'm already half way there and it's only been a year.
I feel like if the kids stay like this, they will kill me.
I'm not getting any help from social workers or the therapist. They don't seem to have any help to give. I don't know what my rights are and it's like because I am related I have no rights.
I've tried all that I know how to try. I'm not asking for too much.
All I ask is that they be honest, try hard at everything they do and take care of things.
It's too hard for them. It's easier for them to be devious, nasty and lazy.
I've made up incentive programs with rewards and everything for them. They don't care. I have mini parties with fun foods and movies or games. They don't care. I've taken everything from them and stripped things down to essentials. They don't care.
What's a person to do?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Can I Still Call Myself A Blogger???
Really???
I know I still have a menu to plan. I have like 4 tackles that I've done and never posted yet. Tips...I've 4 of those too.
First it started without being able to use my right arm. I couldn't lift it or move it much cause I sort of wanted to die when I did. Finally that went away and Hubs bought me this wonderful gift I *still* haven't told you about and yet...still am using right now.
Then I was hooked on two different games that kept me going because I'm obsessive and HAD to finish them in one sitting.
Then my left arm wouldn't work. Same deal as the right but now on the left.
Which brings me to the big blow up of 2007...
Picture this...
Yesterday morning, we seem to be moving along fine. I send the kids out to the van so I can take them to school. I lock up, so I'm the last one leaving.
I go out to the van...silence. Kids sitting in a row facing the front with smirks.
W.T.F !?!
You might be saying "What's wrong with that?"
Not these kids. Spawn of the Devil Herself. They have been awful, terrible, the worst.
I ask what is going on.
The worst of the bunch of the girls pipes up "Nothing, we just changed seats."
The oldest was not in the van, she was opening the gates for me (oh, yeah...did I mention I have gates now? ARGH...so much unshared!)
That child...if she is awake she is lying.
I looked at the oldest of those who were in the car and she pointed to the one that just told me nothing. I asked what she had done. She said that the Evil One had found presents in the back and showed them...
SHIP!!!*
I had bought a ton of stocking stuffers and totally forgot to bring them in the house, some gifts, etc...
This little witch searched the van when she got in and then went through the stuff and made sure she showed them all.
I.HIT.THE.ROOF.
I can't believe I had forgotten those things because I was soooooo excited about being done and the things I had found. I got about $300 worth of stuff at the Dollar store for 7 kids for only $98.
Disney Princesses, Spiderman, Winnie the Pooh. We are talking good stuff.
It was the last straw. It was so bad I told them it was all going back and I almost even told them there was no Santa!
I can't even begin to describe what they have been putting us through this past month and the boy. I'm not sure what they are going to do with him because I no longer want to adopt him. Even Hubs is at the point where he's saying the boy has to go too if he doesn't change.
He needs help...they aren't getting it for him and my hands are tied. I don't know what to do. Bt the final straw is him carving into his dresser and then attempting to stab two of his sisters with his toothbrush. I can't have a kid like that, he kill us all in our sleep.
Instead, I finally told them I've had enough. I've always told them if they didn't want to be with me then they needed to tell their social worker and I'd have no problem with them going because I wasn't going to try to live with kids who didn't want to be here.
But what do I do when they are hating us for everything their mother and father did to them?
I just leveled with them and told them the truth.
I know what it's like for people to lie to you and tell you bad things about your parents. I was told my mom didn't love me and that she is a snake. To an extent they are both true. But when they were said to me at the age of 5-8 they were said out of hate for my mother.
I told the kids that their mother signed them to me. She signed the paper to send them all to me and that I had agreed that I would help her until she finished her classes and got them back, but she didn't finish her classes. As soon as they came to me she quit. We are stuck with each other whether we like it or not. Whatever problems they have with her are with her and that hubs and I were just trying to help. We didn't take them from anyone. We never planned to have them forever. So, if someone said I took them or "stole" them from their mom it is a lie.
I'll probably get in trouble for telling them that. But did I tell them their mom took her new bf to Disneyland after she had her rights terminated? no. Did I tell them that she's shacking up with any guy who will screw her trying to have replacement kids? no.
I explained to them that I am all they have. I am the only responsible person in their whole entire family who they will give them to. I even explained how I am not entirely related to them either. That's why I am the only one who can keep them.
It was just an awful morning, my arm still wasn't working. I don't know what to do with the stuff now since surely "Santa" can't bring the same stuff that was in the van. Right?
I'm just heartbroken, worn down and tired. All those people who said they didn't want me to wear myself out have disappeared. For the first time in my life I have been asking for help and there is none to be found. Figures.
Today my arm works. I have to make five dentist appointments, five doctors appointments. Hubs just got his flu and pneumonia shots yesterday. But we think he has a UTI so I have to run that down to the lab.
Halloween stuff is put away and Thanksgiving stuff is up. I'm starting to freak out about Christmas.
Some day soon, I hope to share with you my new Bettas. The cool gifts Hubby has given me and just stuff in general. But for now... I will post when I can what I can. (Usually when I write a post like this,I suddenly have time to post.lol)
How are you all doing?
*Have you seen the new carmax commercial?
"Are you shipping me?"
My new way of trying to cut back on my cussing.
I know I still have a menu to plan. I have like 4 tackles that I've done and never posted yet. Tips...I've 4 of those too.
First it started without being able to use my right arm. I couldn't lift it or move it much cause I sort of wanted to die when I did. Finally that went away and Hubs bought me this wonderful gift I *still* haven't told you about and yet...still am using right now.
Then I was hooked on two different games that kept me going because I'm obsessive and HAD to finish them in one sitting.
Then my left arm wouldn't work. Same deal as the right but now on the left.
Which brings me to the big blow up of 2007...
Picture this...
Yesterday morning, we seem to be moving along fine. I send the kids out to the van so I can take them to school. I lock up, so I'm the last one leaving.
I go out to the van...silence. Kids sitting in a row facing the front with smirks.
W.T.F !?!
You might be saying "What's wrong with that?"
Not these kids. Spawn of the Devil Herself. They have been awful, terrible, the worst.
I ask what is going on.
The worst of the bunch of the girls pipes up "Nothing, we just changed seats."
The oldest was not in the van, she was opening the gates for me (oh, yeah...did I mention I have gates now? ARGH...so much unshared!)
That child...if she is awake she is lying.
I looked at the oldest of those who were in the car and she pointed to the one that just told me nothing. I asked what she had done. She said that the Evil One had found presents in the back and showed them...
SHIP!!!*
I had bought a ton of stocking stuffers and totally forgot to bring them in the house, some gifts, etc...
This little witch searched the van when she got in and then went through the stuff and made sure she showed them all.
I.HIT.THE.ROOF.
I can't believe I had forgotten those things because I was soooooo excited about being done and the things I had found. I got about $300 worth of stuff at the Dollar store for 7 kids for only $98.
Disney Princesses, Spiderman, Winnie the Pooh. We are talking good stuff.
It was the last straw. It was so bad I told them it was all going back and I almost even told them there was no Santa!
I can't even begin to describe what they have been putting us through this past month and the boy. I'm not sure what they are going to do with him because I no longer want to adopt him. Even Hubs is at the point where he's saying the boy has to go too if he doesn't change.
He needs help...they aren't getting it for him and my hands are tied. I don't know what to do. Bt the final straw is him carving into his dresser and then attempting to stab two of his sisters with his toothbrush. I can't have a kid like that, he kill us all in our sleep.
Instead, I finally told them I've had enough. I've always told them if they didn't want to be with me then they needed to tell their social worker and I'd have no problem with them going because I wasn't going to try to live with kids who didn't want to be here.
But what do I do when they are hating us for everything their mother and father did to them?
I just leveled with them and told them the truth.
I know what it's like for people to lie to you and tell you bad things about your parents. I was told my mom didn't love me and that she is a snake. To an extent they are both true. But when they were said to me at the age of 5-8 they were said out of hate for my mother.
I told the kids that their mother signed them to me. She signed the paper to send them all to me and that I had agreed that I would help her until she finished her classes and got them back, but she didn't finish her classes. As soon as they came to me she quit. We are stuck with each other whether we like it or not. Whatever problems they have with her are with her and that hubs and I were just trying to help. We didn't take them from anyone. We never planned to have them forever. So, if someone said I took them or "stole" them from their mom it is a lie.
I'll probably get in trouble for telling them that. But did I tell them their mom took her new bf to Disneyland after she had her rights terminated? no. Did I tell them that she's shacking up with any guy who will screw her trying to have replacement kids? no.
I explained to them that I am all they have. I am the only responsible person in their whole entire family who they will give them to. I even explained how I am not entirely related to them either. That's why I am the only one who can keep them.
It was just an awful morning, my arm still wasn't working. I don't know what to do with the stuff now since surely "Santa" can't bring the same stuff that was in the van. Right?
I'm just heartbroken, worn down and tired. All those people who said they didn't want me to wear myself out have disappeared. For the first time in my life I have been asking for help and there is none to be found. Figures.
Today my arm works. I have to make five dentist appointments, five doctors appointments. Hubs just got his flu and pneumonia shots yesterday. But we think he has a UTI so I have to run that down to the lab.
Halloween stuff is put away and Thanksgiving stuff is up. I'm starting to freak out about Christmas.
Some day soon, I hope to share with you my new Bettas. The cool gifts Hubby has given me and just stuff in general. But for now... I will post when I can what I can. (Usually when I write a post like this,I suddenly have time to post.lol)
How are you all doing?
*Have you seen the new carmax commercial?
"Are you shipping me?"
My new way of trying to cut back on my cussing.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Be Daring and Dangerous
Ok, I know this isn't my book blog but I wanted to post this here anyway...
Have you seen these books?
I've had this book for awhile and loved it. There was no way I was going to keep it from my girls.
Then along came this book, which I equally love.
This book..ah..How to negotiate a salary, how to build a scooter, famous female secret spies, chinese jump rope. There's so much!
If you have kids, these are must haves. Even if you don't they are must haves. I just had to share!
Hubs was so upset
Hubs ordered my Christmas present early. He was so proud and he boasted to me that he even paid to have it wrapped so I wouldn't know what it was until Christmas.
Halloween day, UPS delivered it to me. As they handed it to me, this is what I saw:
Um...a few of the kids were out there with me when I walked towards the house with it and I could hear them chanting and yelling Harry Potter. I told them to be quiet because Hubs was going to be upset.
I walked up to hubs and told him UPS had delivered he looked over at me and his face kinda fell. He then rolled his eyes.
I said thank you and told him I loved it and that I would tell him again at Christmas. lol
I opened the box telling him at least it's wrapped and we'll put it under the tree when we get one. We opened the box, it wasn't wrapped. He was more upset to say the least.
As for me... I got the Harry Potter Boxset for Christmas and it's awesome! The trunk is so cool too! WHOO HOOO~!
Shh..don't tell hubby. I'm saving my excitement for Christmas day.
PS. Just wait until you see what else Hubs got me...I'm using it right now!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Did you know???
Today is Hubby Cooks Dinner day. I read it in my magazine.
My Hubby is making us mushroom and steak sandwiches ( I think it's in a brown gravy) and steak fries.
He cooks often but for some reason I'm excited because there's actually a day just for him to cook. lol
Can't wait!
My Hubby is making us mushroom and steak sandwiches ( I think it's in a brown gravy) and steak fries.
He cooks often but for some reason I'm excited because there's actually a day just for him to cook. lol
Can't wait!
Images from Halloween 2007
Cookies, cookies, cookies...
Yum~!
Is it a monster?
Ava
Smudge
Scrawn- after 8 years she knows the drill and just surrenders but she insists she doesn't have to enjoy it. lol Oh the shame!
Time Out
Cool projector light I've had for years and was finally able to put up this year.
Ava the Princess again.
Dellyne or UNDERDOG-she's modest
or maybe just a lil stuck up. Maybe she's just showing how tough she is.
Purries...Oh the humilation...
I think she's adorable. She was not happy.
Yum~!
Is it a monster?
Ava
Smudge
Scrawn- after 8 years she knows the drill and just surrenders but she insists she doesn't have to enjoy it. lol Oh the shame!
Time Out
Cool projector light I've had for years and was finally able to put up this year.
Ava the Princess again.
Dellyne or UNDERDOG-she's modest
or maybe just a lil stuck up. Maybe she's just showing how tough she is.
Purries...Oh the humilation...
I think she's adorable. She was not happy.Hope Everyone has a HAPPY and SAFE HALLOWEEN!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
