I hate feeling this way...

I got a card in the mail Saturday from one of the kids old social workers from our state. It made me feel nauseous. It was just a thinking of you card but...

I was puttering along just fine pulling my house back together when it felt like a ton of bricks had hit me. All my projects scattered throughout the house mid way through... it's a train wreck here. I am rearranging my room, rearranging the kids rooms to move them into separate areas. I'm also still staining and polying my desk and the new kitchen table. The big round one that is supposed to encourage sharing, teamwork, and equality.

The computer/game room is a disaster. I'm pulling Hubbins' computer and desk out of there and moving it into our room and setting up that room as a classroom with computers and everything.

With my RA flare ups, I have to do as much as I can while I can still move because in most cases I lose like three days. Not to mention the fact that mornings are pure sluggish hell for me to be able to get my body to do anything.

I don't plan to start school for my kids until after labor day and end in mid June. They've been working all summer on math and reading and are going to get a break, even if it doesn't coincide with the other schools in the area.

I guess what all this amounts to is I feel fear. I know if they were to come here they would not be happy. They would not like the way I am raising my kids nor would they understand it. They would not like the condition of my home. Even though I am obviously working on things and making changes. Some how, in the past, it seems I was expected to snap my fingers and get things done.

I hate this. I hate it with everything. I am tired of being judged. I hate having to open up my home to the judgement ( Hubbins' also has a caseworker who makes visits.) I want my privacy back and I want to be able to work on my home and feel secure. If I can't feel this in my own home where am I supposed to be able to feel it at?

I KNOW I am probably blowing things out of proportion but a huge part of how my house ended up like this was trying to hide clutter and stacks of paperwork (that I hadn't been able to get to) from the social workers to begin with. My house was pristine when the kids came and as they got comfortable my house began to look, well, like kids lived here. There was constant comments about the clutter, when before there was comments about the neatness and how I did it with 5 kids and taking care of Hubbins.

I'm trying to pull it together. I really am. We've outgrown this house and there is nothing I can do about it but organize and unfortunately with organization, at least as far as I know in my own case, comes what may look like destruction before the end result. Ya know?

If anybody would be a good judge of my home, it would be Hubbins' home health nurses who come out twice a week. I was embarrassed to have them come to my house but as projects are being completed they notice and tell me how well it's going. They also know that I am the only one doing things around here and that I am just one person and they tell me so. One of the nurses did foster care for special needs kids in the past so she knows the drill. Of course, they also see the new projects that take the place of old projects too. I joked with them last time that maybe I would have a project done when they came this coming week.

Do any of you guys feel this way or do you not have this problem?

Helpless

This is going to be a long one and it's not going to be pretty.

Let me start from the beginning. Saturday-- I wasn't feeling well, just really tired. What was supposed to be a cat nap turned into a 3 hour nap.

Hubs had the kids cleaning up the kitchen and he fed them lunch and kept them occupied while I slept on the couch. Yep, I slept through all that. That's how tired I was. I had a dream. It was one of those dreams Kether. A car accident dream. The last time I had these dreams my best friend was killed in a car accident.

We were in a car accident and someone hit us. I know I jumped in my sleep because I felt it and I awoke slightly but did not completely wake up.

I thought today was the last day for the Christmas tree recycle program (I know I still had my tree outside where I dumped it on the 2nd.) I was dreading driving but I was dreading chopping up the tree myself with a handsaw (I've done it for 2 years and it sucks!). As I was coming home, I felt sick and so irrational. I kept seeing a car accident in my mind. They are like flashes. I scolded myself. I thought I was somehow remembering what I used to see when I got those flashes. I even told myself outloud to cut it out because it "wasn't even the same accident".

I told myself I was just sick. When I got home, I didn't even eat dinner because I felt awful.

Flashforward to this morning 12:45 am. I was pondering chore charts and posting when my phone rings. I freaked out because I had put the phone on do not disturb. I had put Hubs in bed about an hour before and when I walked by the machine to get him a glass of water, I saw the cats needed water. So I got the cats water and debated on turning off the do not disturb and decided not to.

I jumped up and answered it. It was my sister that I despise. The kids mother. At first, I thought she was calling about something about the kids. Which she's never done. It was just her tone. She took forever to tell me about the accident. My sister, P (her fiance) and my two nephews (I and E) were in a car accident and were in ER.

She made it sound like P and I were dying. I pulled the phone number out of her and hung up. I called ER. They told me it was late and I told them I was sorry and I was calling from another state. She said she would try to put me through. I was put through to a nurse. Where I got "disconnected".

I tried to call back and got the same lady I started with. She said that T's father just called and that he was rude and said he didn't have a daughter in my state. I told her he doesn't- he's my ex-stepfather. I told her he's an asshole and I am sorry that he was rude to them. She stammered and said what? I told her again. He's an asshole. I'm sorry. She chuckled told me she gathered that from over the phone and put me through to the nurse. The nurse then personally lent my sister his phone.

She seemed in shock. She said they had gone out for baskin robbins and they had a green arrow and a woman slammed into them on her side. She said the tires are off of their suv and that the air bags didn't deploy. An off duty officer saw the whole thing. She said they were all wearing their scapulars.*

They were still there because they were waiting for her results. Everyone else was ok. "I" has a huge lump on his head and she has to wake him up every two hours to make sure he is ok. She was having hip pain and she thought it was from the seat belt.

*breathe*

They are ok.

I am so thankful and angry, I feel helpless and full of rage all at the same time.

I am thankful that they are ok. I am angry because they are stuck at the hospital. My baby sister called the kids mother because now she is the only one with a car. She called her to ask her if she could go pick up T and P and the kids and she told her that "they were just trying to use her." Do you know how hard I could sock a bitch right now? Seriously. I feel like I could put my fist through her skull. Please don't try to preach to me either. I don't mean to offend but really, you have no clue.

I feel helpless because I can't go pick them up. I can't help them at all. I am stuck. All of them are injured in some form and I am here. She's come out to help me when we needed it and all I can do is pray. Which I know is helpful but how are they going to get home? Her purse is in the car. I don't even know if they have the money for a ride home. I couldn't even get money to them in an instant to get a ride home. Who is going to take care of them? Let them sleep? Watch the kids? I feel bad and helpless.

I'm rageful..if you don't like cuss words stop here.

That motherfucking piece of shit loser. Yeah he doesn't have a daughter in this state but he has a girl that he molested and took advantage of in this state who is looking to find out if her SISTER is ok. Mark my words HECTOR RUBIO. YOU WILL PAY for all you have done. You will pay for molesting me. You will pay for the death of Bella. You will pay for the suicide of Cindy. You will pay for the damage you have done to your children and grandchildren. YOU WILL PAY!

I bet it just irks you that I'm the one thing you've touched that hasn't turned to shit. I know it did back in the day. OH how you tried to BREAK me. How you tried to CLAIM me. How you took advantage of my innocence and naivety. How you tried to convince me to allow you to be my FATHER. How you insinuated that you were acting as a FATHER would to me. Does a father pin his "daughter" down and rub all over her? Even when she is BITING him with all her might and screaming for him to GET OFF HER??? Does a "father" kiss his 6 year old daughter so hard that his teeth push her lips apart and she tastes him? DOES HE? Does he sit on her bed while she is sleeping when she's NINETEEN years old? Does he not correct his coworkers when they mistake her for his WIFE? DOES HE?

I don't know how to love huh? I'm cold and heartless, huh? Well FUCK YOU from the bottom of my heart. You're just mad because I wouldn't love you the way you wanted me to. I wouldn't let YOU IN. What you didn't know was that girl you tried so hard to break was already gone and tucked away somewhere where you and no one else could get her. Waiting until she was safe to come out. So you LOSE! She's ALIVE and well and LOVING with all her heart. PROTECTING other kids from PEOPLE LIKE YOU!

You thought you were so smart didn't you? You still think you got away with it don't you HECTOR RUBIO? No court on Earth will punish you the way God the FATHER almighty will.

My FATHER will take care of you and you will get what you so richly deserve HECTOR RUBIO.

I'm done with that topic...moving on...

The scapulars. We are Catholic. I've always had my faith even when the church pushed me away. I'm not entirely inline with the Catholic church but it's what I choose. I've been gently guiding my family (what's left of it.) to try and rediscover their faith. Now that they are older and can understand and make an informed decision.

When T asked me to be E's Godmother I made sure it happened. I made sure that "I" was included as well. My baby sister was supposed to be I's Godmother but she hasn't made her first holy communion or been confirmed.

It was a huge surprise to me when I asked T what she wanted for Christmas and she told me she wanted a complete Pieta book and scapulars for all of them. I got online as soon as she left and started searching. I had found a place but hadn't placed the order yet.

Meanwhile, Wal Mart had a roll back on the storage drawers and ours near our house were out. So I drove to the next town and picked up what I needed. On my way out there was a bad car accident that redirected me.

I am totally directionally challenged. I ended up heading deeper into the other city instead of back towards mine. This led me to a traffic standstill right in front of the only catholic store in both towns. I decided to turn in rather than sit in traffic.

I got her the scapulars she wanted, the pieta book, a book about the meaning of the scapular, a book about the meaning of mass and the catechist of the catholic church. I also picked up mostly the same things for my baby sister and a scapular for my mom.

What I failed to mention was that my sister, her fiance and my baby sister are all going to go to classes so that they can make their first holy communion and confirmations. I'm doing everything I can to encourage them to at least see if it is something they want. I'm really so happy because it's just amazing to see how living your life in your faith can affect others and nudge them to want faith for themselves.

Even Hubs was an atheist when I met him and he changed all on his own. I never even talked to him about it. At least not the beliefs but the religion itself and the people. All I say is do not let people turn you away from God. A lot of time people turn their backs on God because of organized religion. Humans are running the churches. That's all I have to say.

The scapulars are a form of protection for the wearer. It is the Blessed Virgin Mary who protects us as every mother protects their children. Some people think it's a ticket to heaven but it's not. lol

Anyway, I'm glad I've got all that off my chest. I'm glad they are ok. This is probably going to be the longest post ever. Sorry guys.

Riding the caffeine train...

Forgive me if I am not coherent in this post but my mind is swarming with unfinished thoughts, thoughts that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to complete.



I got about 2 hours of sleep. I stayed up all night so that I could make sure two of the kids wouldn't steal from us. It's so hard trying to prevent them from getting themselves in trouble when they are so hell bent on it.



Plus, they seem to have inherited the guilt-free gene and the point-the-finger gene, and the martyr gene from their parents.



Around 5 am, I heard the rustle and the tiny voices planning their strategic attack. What they didn't plan on was me-- sitting in the living room folding clothes and doing cross-stitch while watching Netflix on my PC.



Heh heh...they waited and waited and lo and behold....the sun! What is this madness?



Around 3 pm I finally crashed only to have to get up around 4:30 pm to try to go out and buy some milk for this week's breakfast.



Here's my background. It will be limited because I am not even privy to what exactly happened and there are investigations still going on (I think...)



January of 2006, I get a call from my mother...my youngest niece who just turned a year is hurt something happened. It's really bad. She's not responding.



I get off the phone. I tell Hubs I know she is dead. I still reach out for prayers but I know if she survives, she will just be a shell. She had just turned a year old a month earlier. There are "allegations" of abuse and trauma that I can surmise to be possible shaken baby syndrome.



See, I have a half sister...three of them actually. But this one...she takes the cake. She's the biggest whore loser in the world. I didn't talk to her before because I knew what she was and I don't associate with people like that. I told her the very thing that is happening now would come if she didn't change her ways.



I called CPS, I reported and reported. It was her "prerogative" as the mother. Meanwhile, the rest of my family kept me in the dark. Just as they are doing now. It's always been me and them. My mother is included in "them". She would die for them but if she had to do it for me, I know it would be more like "but if I do it for you, who will take care of them" type of thing. I'd never ask her to...and I'm not jealous. That's just the way it is.



I mention it because of the irony. Her mother did it to her as well when she remarried and had other children. To this day those other children come first no matter what they have done.



It just so happened that Hubs and I had just completed the foster training program where we live and we were looking to foster to see if we could handle children with Hubs condition and all. Hubs wants kids so badly. I'm indifferent...maybe I'll touch on that some day.



I told my mother that I would take in my sister's five remaining kids. I was told that she would fulfill her end of the deal and that she would get them back. But when I talked to people in charge, not my family, I was told there were no plans for reunification. None. Nada. zilch. zero.



I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust anyone. But I said if push came to shove, I would adopt.



The problem is...I knew there was something wrong with my sister. Something not right. But I never, ever, ever thought anything remotely near what these kids have told me and I never knew that they were so rotten, evil and conniving.



Yes, I am describing children...and yes, they have had traumatic experiences. But I have never seen such deception, such lake of morality, such heartlessness. They are good at hiding it. I tell people what they do to us and they find it hard to believe.



They each have their ways. The 11 year old is good at molding and reshaping herself. She's a different person to everyone. The 8 year old keeps her mouth shut and that's how she gets under the radar with people. The 7 year old, she has more of a temper and can't seem to keep it in check..but she thinks she's so cute that she can just cock her head to side and smile and the world will be right again. The 6 year old--she talks out of both sides of her mouth. She's smart and she uses it to her advantage. The 6 year old boy, he's violent both physically and verbally but only in our house and only to me and Hubs.



No one sees them for who they are. Everyone feels so sorry for them. Heck, Hubs and I did too...But then we grew wise quickly. They have everyone fooled. No one has ever seen their true colors. The closest is the 7 year old's teacher. From my understanding... the college student who was doing her internship in the classroom bolted and changed her mind about becoming a teacher because of my 7 year old and she didn't even give them everything she has. They just saw a glimpse of the surface.



They are so devious they even go so far as to use the death of their sister to get their way and to gain attention. People tell me this is normal?? How can it be? I cannot permit such a thing. It is so disrespectful. People can't tell me that they just don't know what they are doing because they do. I've told them and if they know enough to use it for sympathy and to get their way, they damn well know enough not to do it and why not.



I did not have a childhood myself, and I was abused and molested. I've never used that as an excuse. Did I endure the same abuse as they did? Probably not. But there are the scars from the physical, emotional and mental abuse I took my whole life. They are young and I will give them that they may not know the opportunities that have opened up to them being here with me; but I'll be damned if I let them use the past as an excuse not to move forward. As a survivor, they can't tell me. Some people think that I am being harsh. I don't understand how. Stuff happens. You pick yourself up and dust yourself off and you move forward. If you don't you are just living a slow suicide in my opinion.



I keep coming to this crossroads. In the beginning. All signs pointed to God wanting this to happen. The coincidence of our fostering license and our house being the right size for all these kids. But now, I don't know.



It's not cold feet. I know I can do this. But it's a question of if I really want to. I had no choice when it came to losing my childhood. I made stupid choices when I was a teen and in my early 20s choosing to basically raise my ex-step-sister's 4 kids for several years and then taking care of my sister when she became pregnant at 15.



But I am 31 now and this here is my time. Hubs and I had just started planning our lives. If I do this and I am unable to change the kids, I'll have wasted yet another part of my life and after that, what will be left?


We had plans for children. We don't know if we are able to, but if we are... what would we be bringing that child into? Lying, thieving, promiscuity, possible abuse? There are no signs of change in these kids. The only thing they have gotten better at is hiding there indiscretions.

If we can't have children, we cannot even adopt. Because we have them.

Some might be asking, you have 5, why would you want more?

If you have a child, think about the sweetness and the innocence and the connection that you have with your child. Think about how you have molded that child and all the happy times you share on your blog and just in your life.

Why should we be denied that?

Because we are trying to keep a family together? It hardly seems fair and when weighed the trade off just does not seem right.

I am their Aunt. I will never be their mother. I don't want to be their mother either.

I try everything I can think of. They are in therapy, I consult books and forums and social workers and parents and no one has a word to give us. Nobody knows what to do with them either.

It seems like we are met with a "better you than me".

I'm trying but I just don't know if we are the right answer anymore. If we quit, the 11 year old will most likely grow up in the system until she ages out and I know that the others will be abused again.

They were abused the short time that they were in foster care before they came to me. I fear that they will end up being one of the kids where the foster parent killed the child. They will be separated.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I think that, even though I am not directly related to them, I am still too close. Sometimes I think that separation from each other and all family might save them. Other times, I think despite their ages, they are already lost.

I wish I knew someone, anyone, who has been in my position. Someone with some wisdom and insight about this exact thing. But this stuff here... this "family" stuff...it's what VC Andrews books are made of. And God... seems he's leaving this one up to me.*



*mental picture of God shrugging his shoulders and saying "Sorry, I've got nothin'"