Tough Callings

God gave Mary a tough calling. 

Everything changed for her the day Gabriel showed up. But instead of resisting, questioning, or trying to gain more clarity, she responded with, 

"I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true."

She would be misunderstood, called a liar and a lunatic for claiming to carry God's son, and scorned by her neighbors. That first Christmas, there were no friends and family celebrating the birth of this most precious of babies. She would be alone. With her new husband. In a dirty, musty stable. The only ones who did show up at the baby shower were a group of ragtag outcasts that I'm sure scared the living daylights out of Mary as they rushed in to sneak a peak of her newborn baby. 

Mary would surely fluctuate between fist pumping pride and confused embarrassment over her son's actions throughout his life. She wrestled with her desires to conform him to what she thought he should be and do. This new way of life, this new way of thinking and living… it was a lot to take in. 

And then, Mary would suffer more deeply than any one else besides Jesus himself as she watched in horror while they tore apart her son's body. The agony and grief she endured… all because she was "highly favored". 

We honor her today. But her life was far from honored at the time. It was hard. 

I want to learn that same humble posture from Mary:

"I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." 

• Even when Your plan for my life looks different than what I had planned. 
• Even when the road is tough and life isn't as fun as I was hoping. 
• Even when other routes seem more relaxing, more scenic, more enjoyable.

I don't want to fight against it. I'll choose to embrace it. Your plan is always best. You make all things beautiful. You are working all this together for my good and Your glory.

This is the lesson I'm learning this Christmas season. Mary is yelling through a megaphone to me today. Her words leap off the page and across the ages and pierce my heart. "So, Stacie, God just threw you a curve ball? So it seems you're life may look different than what you had planned? I get that. I've been there. And here's what I learned: you don't get to choose your God ordained assignment, but you get to choose how you respond to it. Are you going to receive it with open hands and a humble heart? Or will you stomp your feet and throw up your arms in frustration? Receive it, Stacie. Receive it as a gift. When you do, you have no idea the amazing things God will do through your life. Don't resist. Receive."

Thank you, Mary, for being the picture of humble obedience to God's will. You're giving me courage today.

"I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true."

Suck it up, Princess

I thought about starting this post by saying that I've been going through a tough time lately…there are some personal challenges in my life that are really weighing me down. But then I thought, I'm pretty sure anyone at anytime in their life could make a statement like that.

The challenges change during different seasons of life.

• In college, I jammed my schedule SO full with classes, work, practicum, and ministry responsibilities that I could barely find time to eat or sleep.
• When first married, my whole life got turned upside down with a new husband, new home, new city, and new job. I suffered through an undiagnosed depression for over a year. 
• When we had our first child…
• When we started South Bay Church...
• When we adopted...

Some difficulties undoubtedly outweigh others. And, intermingled with the pain, every season has it's share of joys.

It's the dance of beauty and heartache. The place where laughter and tears merge. When fist-pumping victory in one area is tainted with failure in another. That moment when a breathtaking sunset is interrupted by a swarm of gnats.

We don't get to separate the two. They are always there…together.

And it is up to me to see the artistry in it all. To choose gratitude over pity. To cling to faith over despair. To believe truth instead of lies.

What I say to myself and about my situation can drastically affect, not only the outcome, but also how I walk through it. I have to surgically remove the lies I'm believing and replace them with what I know to be true.

• I am blessed. (Ephesians 1:3)
• God has given me everything I need for life and godliness. (2 Peter 1:3)
• His grace is more than enough. (James 4:6)
• If I ask, He will give me wisdom. (James 1:5)
• He has a plan and somehow this will work out for my good and His glory is I will stay the course. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)

And then, some of the most inspirational words I'm saying to myself right now are: "Suck it up, Princess." 

I don't have time to wallow around in hopelessness. I've got three kids who are counting on me. I'm the only Mommy they get so I better put my hand to the plow and try my best. I've got laundry to do, meals to prepare, bills to pay, and scraped knees to bandage. I have work to do and I am stronger than I think I am. So I will brush the tears off my face (or sometimes just let them flow) and I will keep moving. I will suck it up and believe that when I do what only I can do, God will step in and do what only He can do.

Self-reflection has it's place...But you might as well be sorting the laundry while you at it.

So today, identify the lies that you are believing about yourself or your circumstance and then replace them with truth. You gotta suck it up, Princess. The world is counting on you to show up. To bring your best. Keep fighting through the gnats to dance in the sunset. I'll meet you there.

A 21 Day Prayer Journey to Easter

This weekend at South Bay Church, we encouraged our whole church to join in a 21 Day Prayer Journey leading up to Easter Sunday. The South Bay staff put together a booklet that was available for people to take home with a sample prayer for each day.

I thought it would be great to include our kids in this journey as well! So this morning at breakfast, I brought the prayer guide to the table and quickly read today's prayer to myself. It says:

Monday, March 11 - Prayer for God to Quench our Thirst:
Jesus, you said, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me!” (John 7:37), so today I acknowledge that you are my thirst-quencher.  Help me to hunger and thirst for you more than anything else in my life.  Be my fountain of life.  Be my fulfillment.  Be my strength.  Fill my life with so much of you, that your Presence will overflow out of me touching the lives of everyone I interact with today!

Then I asked the boys if they ever remember a time that they were really thirsty. We talked about how we drink water when we get really thirsty. Then I said, "Did you know that sometimes our hearts get thirsty too? Sometimes we feel like we need more hugs or more kisses or more time with Mom & Dad. That shows that our heart is feeling a little thirsty."

At this point they were fully engaged and alert. Inquisitive eyes on me with a look that said, "Tell us more, Mom! We are right here with you."

Just kidding. Sammy kept asking if he could be all done and Caedmon was twirling 'round and 'round in his chair. Nevertheless, I pressed on.

I said, "Well, the Bible tells us that the ultimate way to quench our thirsty heart is by having Jesus fill up our hearts. The Bible says that He can give us Living Water that satisfies our thirst."

Then I read the prayer phrase by phrase and had them repeat each phrase after me.

I'm pretty confident they understood a whooping 10% of the whole interaction, but, hey, that's better than not having the conversation at all. Layer by layer, I tell ya. Laying a firm foundation!

I want to encourage you to join us in this 21 Day Prayer Journey. Whether you are a part of South Bay Church or not, I believe this journey will help us prepare our hearts for a fresh encounter with God this Easter! I will post the sample prayer of the day here on my blog in case you weren't able to get one of the guides.

Any joiners?

Work in progress

I'm really glad God doesn't judge me by:

1. the cleanliness of my stovetop
2. how often I bathe my children
3. how many unanswered emails are in my inbox
4. my gardening skills
5. the organization of my garage

How about you? Somebody humor me and let me know some area of your life that you are thankful is NOT the standard for receiving God's love.

Grace for me. Grace for you. Let's pass it around this week.

The Waiting Room

What do you do when you find yourself in the waiting room of life?

All of us have been there. Many are there right now. Some circumstance in our life that is beyond our control. Some prayer that we've prayed a thousand times. We've done everything we know how to do; we're trying to honor God. And now we wait. We wait on God to come through, to move as only He can.

Only God can...

• heal you from your cancer
• give you the baby for which your heart longs
• provide the spouse you've prayed for for years
• put a heart of forgiveness and tenderness in your husband
• bring your prodigal child to repentance

I wonder what you are waiting on. What prayer are you desperately awaiting an answer for? 

Yesterday at South Bay Church we sang a song called, "Waiting Here for You". Over and over the song says, "Alleluia" which simply means "Praise the Lord." 

I don't know about you, but the last thing I feel like doing in any waiting room is praising the Lord. Down-on-my-face-praying? Yes. But praising? Maybe when the doctor comes in with good news.

However, that is exactly what we need and that is what the Bible instructs us to do: Praise Him from the waiting room. Before the prayer has been answered. Before victory is ours. We praise HIM because, no matter what, HE is God and HE is worthy to be praised.

And as we begin to praise Him, He meets us there.

So instead of pacing back and forth, instead of hopeless tears, instead of venting frustrated anger, how about give praise a chance? Find something (anything!) to thank Him for and give Him the praise that He is due.

• Sunshine warming my skin
• Riding through a canopy of trees
• First glimpse of the ocean

Don't waste your waiting room.

Take a Load Off

I think most people want their lives to feel more exciting. More significant.

We are all fairly certain (due to social media and good ol' fashioned gossip) that everyone else's lives are cooler than ours. They just got their hair done and yours hasn't been cut in 6 months. They just checked in on Yelp at yet another restaurant and you're staring at week-old leftovers in your fridge. They just flew to LA for some very important meeting and your still in your PJ's cleaning Cheerios off the floor from breakfast. 

Anyone?

Sometimes our lives can feel so painfully ordinary. 

Even in the Bible, we tend to be drawn toward the stories of heroes. Moses parting the Red Sea. David slaying the giant. Esther rescuing the Jewish nation. The miracles of the apostles. 

It's not just Twitter that can make us feel like our lives are pretty lame. Sometimes the Bible makes us feel like we're missing out, too. 

But how 'bout this little nugget of goodness...

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before. Then people who are not Christians will respect the way you live. 1Thessalonians 4:11-12

Ahhh, pressure valve released. You mean God approves of a quiet life? Yes, absolutely! He even commands it. 

Living well and influencing others doesn't mean your life has to be an action movie. 

So whenever you're feeling discouraged about the monotony of your day-in / day-out kind of life, remember that God sees you! He's proud of you for getting the laundry done and bathing your kids and scrubbing Sharpie marker out of your carpet. He's proud of you for your commitment to go to work everyday and do your job with excellence. He can use our lives (even our quiet lives!) to influence those all around us!

Live in a way that causes others to respect your life!

The Body

This morning I was reading in 1 Corinthians where Paul compares the Church [aka the Body of Christ] to the human body. Chapter 12 verse 26 says:

If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it. 

I get that. I understand how stubbing your toe can make your whole body reel with pain, and I know how it feels to hurt with those around us who are hurting.

On Saturday, I had the privilege to spend a few hours at the hospital with my friend, Jenn. I was honestly surprised to see how sick she was. I had seen her earlier in the week and she was walking around and wearing make up. Besides the limping, you would never have known anything was wrong. But then she started chemo.

She laid quietly in her bed with her eyes closed most of the time I was there. The expression on her face every time she readjusted let me know just how uncomfortable she felt. And the nausea...

Jenn had thrown up probably three times in the two hours that I had been there. I felt so helpless looking on, wanting to somehow ease her pain but knowing there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Cold rag? Ice chips? Massage?

But the moment that made me fight the tears from my eyes was when, for the fourth time, she started throwing up and just couldn't stop. It wouldn't pass. She started to cry. I started to cry. But then I thought, No! That's not what she needs from me right now. She needs me to be her strength. So I swallowed the lump in my throat and whispered softly, "You can do this. You are going to get through this."

Back to my Bible reading this morning...

Earlier in chapter 12, Paul writes, "Our bodies have many parts and God has put each part just where he wants it."

There are so many people doing so many different things to serve the Garcia family right now. Bringing meals, childcare, setting up a website for donations, visiting with Jenn, heartfelt cards, financial contributions, coordinating all the moving parts, etc.

A part of our body is suffering and it is our honor to get to lighten their load any way that we can.

No matter where you are reading this right now, whether you are connected to the Garcia family or not, you are connected to someone. There are people around you who need someone who genuinely loves them, who cares about what is going on in their lives, who is willing to slow down, and even be inconvenienced, in order to be a friend.

We each have a role to play. We've been divinely designed for a purpose and, regardless of it's visibility, it is significant. We are a Body, and every part matters.

Who can you go out of your way to show love to this week?

All things beautiful

Every time I hear the song “How He Loves Us” I think of Cardboard Testimonies. For South Bay’s 1 year anniversary service, Archie sang that song while over 20 people filed across the stage holding up their cardboard testimony. On one side there was a phrase that captured the brokenness of life. Pain. Disappointment. Broken dreams. On the other side were words that displayed God’s redemption of each situation. The way He pierced through their darkness with His light. His life breathed on what was thought dead. Hope among the wreckage. 

• Turned my back on God 15 years ago - God never turned His back on me
• Widowed with 5 young children - He is the Father to the fatherless
• Drug dealer - pastor

I play the scene over and over in my head. He makes ALL THINGS beautiful. It’s the “Ugly Beautiful”. The “brutiful” part of life.

I feel like I’m walking across that stage again white knuckling a piece of cardboard. Only this time just one side has writing on it:

“Suffered a miscarriage after 5 1/2 years of infertility”

Pain. Disappointment. Broken dreams.

But I know that I will flip the cardboard one day. I don’t know what’s going to be written on the other side. There’s no clear vision in my mind of how God will redeem this pain and make all things beautiful. But I know He will; that’s just what He does.

Brokenness? Yes. Hopelessness? No.

There are too many people around me with their cardboard testimonies, trophies of God’s glory, for me to believe I’ll be left stranded with only a one-sided story. Plus, I’ve got a whole closet full of my own scraps of cardboard to remind me of the faithfulness of God.

Beauty is coming. For me and for you. I don't know what's written on the unfinished piece of cardboard in your hand, but there is a faithful God who is in the business of redemption. He will never leave you forsaken on the stage of life with only a one-sided story. He makes ALL THINGS beautiful in His time.

South Bay's cardboard testimonies from February 2010

The Power of a Praying Parent

This post was originally written last June to honor my father on Father's Day and my grandmother on her 95th birthday. I wanted to share it again in the wake of her death as a reminder of the legacy that she passed down to us. By the grace of God, that legacy will live on through me, my children, and my grandchildren. May this story inspire us all to live lives of prayer and intentionality.

I have a rare heritage.

In a society where at least 1/2 of marriages end in divorce and fathers are no where to be found, I come from a long line of godly men & women.

My great-great-grandfather on my dad’s side (Granddaddy Burns) was just a regular guy. He wasn’t a pastor or a missionary or a seminary graduate. But he loved Jesus and he felt compelled that he should pray for his family down to the 6th generation. I’m not exactly sure why he chose the 6th generation or what those prayers sounded like, but those prayers included me, my kids, and my grandkids. Who does that?!

One of his daughters married a man by the last name Bynum. My great-grandfather (Granddaddy Bynum) studied law and was making a fine living as a lawyer. He was actually about to be appointed as the youngest judge in the history of the state of Alabama when he felt God’s call on his life to preach. So he left his career to begin a new one as a Methodist pastor. 

Great-granddaddy Bynum, now grafted into the Burn family prayers and legacy, had five children. One of them was a daughter name Corinne. The blessings and prayers and mercy that Granddaddy Burns had faithfully stored up were being passed down to her. Granddaddy Burns could have never foreseen than Corinne’s husband would not be blessed with the same heritage from which she came. Corinne’s husband, Steve, came from a fatherless home. He had to drop out of school in the 4th grade to help provide for his family when his father left them for another woman. But it seems, in the providence of God, that Granddaddy Burns’ prayers covered Steve too.

Steve (my Granddaddy Cloud) taught himself to read, put himself through Bible College during the Great Depression, and met a beautiful young lady named Corinne who became his partner in life and ministry. Together they served churches in Kentucky, Florida, and South Carolina. Steve preached while Corinne prayed and took baked goods to every family on their street and loved people with the love of Jesus. Never did a plumber or delivery man or hospice nurse come into their home that my grandparents didn’t share with them about the love of Jesus.

Steve & Corinne had a son, who they also named Steve. Steve was born with a fiercely independent and adventurous personality. Growing through his teenage years, Steve was determined that he would be a big, bad sinner despite the countless hours his parents spent on their knees on his behalf. But what Steve didn’t realize at the time is that he had a great grandfather that had also been praying for him, and God doesn’t forget things like that. Try as he may, Steve would always be a “failure” at running from God. The sin would leave him with such emptiness that he finally reached out for God. He couldn’t escape the mercy that was stored up on his behalf. 

When Steve (my dad) gave his life to Jesus at the age of 18, he jumped in with both feet. He became a youth pastor and then a senior pastor and has served God everyday of his life since he was 18 years old. Granddaddy Burns’ prayers that God would raise up preachers to the 6th generation were now being fulfilled to the 3rd generation.

I am apart of the 4th generation.

My husband has been grafted in to the prayers of blessing that Granddaddy Burns prayed on our behalf. 

South Bay Church is here today, in part, because of the prayers of Granddaddy Burns. He played a role in the 297 salvations that we’ve seen at South Bay thus far. Those 297 people will be in heaven one day and I think that perhaps they will each receive a handshake from Granddaddy Burns, who prayed for their pastor and his wife. 

I cannot tell you the comfort it brings me to know that my children and grandchildren are apart of this legacy as well. While I can’t claim with 100% assurance that none of them will be wayward or turn their backs on God, I am confident that God won’t allow them to go down that path without throwing every roadblock in their way. They’ve been marked. They’ve got mercy stored up for them. And they will be absolutely miserable living a life of spiritual poverty when they’ve got so much blessing available to them.  

One man who loved Jesus and was committed to prayer shaped the lineage of his family.

Lead with what ya got

It's been a battlefield, this mind of mine, and war has been raging the last couple months. I know I'm in an intense season whenever I find that I'm carrying full-on conversations with myself (only sometimes out loud!). Do you ever do that? Find yourself deep in thought, mid-way through a conversation and then think, "Who in the world am I talking to?!"

Yesterday I was having one of these conversations that was half-praying and half just talking to myself. The dialogue was regarding my frustration about my lack of leadership at South Bay right now. I feel like I am tapped out and don't have a lot to offer. And, possibly for the first time in my life, I feel like maybe I'll never-ever-for-as-long-as-I-live want or be ready to lead again. I know in my mind that's a lie. But I'm just being honest, right?

Then God interrupted my flow-of-consciousness by depositing this nugget of truth into my heart.

"Lead with what I've given you." 

Right now I've been given a wheelbarrow full of sorrow and loss, and I push it around with me where ever I go. On Sundays I make sure to dress it up a little so it's not quite as conspicuous, but if you look closely under the table where I stand at the Guest Center you might catch a glimpse of where I tried to hide it. It's not pretty and it smells kinda bad, so people tend to avoid it. But the reality is, there are a lot of people at South Bay who are pushing around their own wheelbarrows full of grief. And somehow, I know in my heart, that it is an encouragement to them to see someone else who is trying to praise God with one hand while using the other to keep this unstable wheelbarrow from tipping. 

Sometimes we get to lead from our strengths, blessed with wisdom or success from the hand of God.

Sometimes we get to lead from our mistakes, humbly recognizing our need for 2nd chances.

And sometimes we get to lead from our pain. 

People need to see all three. We don't need leaders who have it all figured out and their lives never get rocked. We need leaders who are authentic, humble, and willing to share lessons learned whether in the valleys or mountaintops of life. 

So, no matter what season of life you may be in today, I pray that you will receive God's challenge to lead with what you've been given. 

Rescued

It's easy for me to forget what Sammy's life could have been like.

Gone are the days when Sammy would get the look of desperation in his eyes every time he saw food. Gone are the days when he would force feed himself until we finally would take his plate away for fear he may make himself throw up. Gone are the days that he would eat with one hand while guarding his food with the other so no one would steal it from him.

He has no concern for food these days. He's knows it's coming at least 3 times a day and he's beginning to realize that he can pick & choose what he likes because there's always plenty to choose from.

He has no want for clothes or toys or clean water or loving affection. He used to. But not anymore.

When Sammy first came home he would rarely cry when he got hurt. He'd scrape his little 2 year old knee or bang his head with a bump hard enough that would have sent Caedmon into hysteria. But instead Sammy would pound on the boo-boo with his fist and grimace. Every time that happened I made a point to pick him up and say, "It's okay to cry, Baby. Mommy will kiss it." He doesn't need me to say that anymore. He's learned where to come with his boo-boos.

I had some concerns for Sammy with cognitive delays not too long after bringing him home. When we started "preschool" this year as apart of homeschooling, Sammy was a lot further behind where Caedmon was at the same age. He could not put together a six piece puzzle. He could not count to 5 (or even 1!). But, today he put together a 24 piece puzzle without assistance and counted to 14. His mind is being stimulated and the intellect that he's capable of now has the opportunity to be achieved.

It's easy for me to forget that, had he stayed with his birth mother, he may have likely died before ever seeing his 5th birthday. He may have never attended school or learned to read. If he broke his leg in an accident, he may have ended up lame because of a lack of medical care. It's easy for me to forget these things...

Because today Sammy rides roller coasters and builds with legos and watches the sun set on the Pacific.  Sammy takes swimming lessons and sleeps in his own big bed in his climate controlled house. He has no need to fear water born illnesses or hyenas attacking his village at night. His life is different now. He's been adopted into a new family.

It dawned on me one day as I was watching Sammy play that his story mirrors my own. I was adopted by God into God's family when I was very young. I was raised in a Christian home and have known very little of the hardships of life apart from Jesus. It's easy for me to forget just how blessed I am. It's easy for me to forget how incredibly different my life would be had I not been adopted.

When I try to play out in my mind what my life may have ended up like if God had not rescued me, I cringe. I think of the different roads I would have travelled in my pursuit of happiness and peace and the sense of frustration and waste I would have had when I realized that they were dead ends. I think of the broken relationships and regret that would litter my trail. I think of the lack of purpose and meaning to life that would plague me.

My "normal" is so far removed from that that I tend to forget how desperate my situation would be apart from the grace of God. I subconsciously begin to think that this is the path I've chosen for myself...that I made these good choices that led me to this good place and, therefore, I must be very good.

As our reality gets further and further away from "what could have been" it's easy to lose our reverenced sense of gratitude for what Jesus has done for us. 

But the truth is, I'm not here because I'm good. I'm here because I've been rescued. Redeemed from a pit of self-destructive hopelessness and put onto solid ground.

Sammy has no clue what he's been rescued from, and I'm glad about that. It would be too much for his little 4 year old heart to bear. But one day, when we travel back to Ethiopia and play with the children there, the light will go on for him. He will see their beautiful, coffee colored, smiling faces and know that his could have been among them. He will hold children with ring worm and kiss widows dying of AIDS. He will bandage the feet of children who have no shoes to wear and offer a granola bar to a child digging through a trash heap for something to eat. And with every encounter I pray that the Holy Spirit whispers in his heart that he has been rescued.

Friend, if you are a follower of Jesus, you have been rescued as well. Maybe your life was a total wreck and God transformed it and you know full-well what a gift you've been given. I hope you never forget it! Or maybe you're like me...rescued so long ago that it's hard to imagine anything different. If that's you, take the time to imagine it. Really let the reality of it sink down into your bones. I didn't deserve to be born into a wonderful family that taught me about Jesus. No good thing is in my life apart from the grace of God.

It's easy to forget, but let's make a point to remember. 

Not Why, But How

The following is part of a series of posts that will take you on a (very personal) journey with me through the story of our family. If you are just now tuning in, take a minute to start back at the beginning and catch up: 

Post 1: A Journey

Post 2: Love Awakened

Post 3: Hope Deferred

Post 4: Worth the Wait

Past 5: A Longing Fulfilled

Post 6: Faith Tested

Post 7: Choosing the Trust

Post 8: Rays of Kindness

The past couple weeks I've felt like I've been living in a fog. While I normally get up to work out and shower before the kids wake up, I have barely been able to pull myself out of bed even after I know they're awake. I've found myself doing mindless things, like accidentally leaving my van unlocked and my purse sitting right there on the passenger seat, or putting shampoo on my hair before I wet it. I just lost my rhythm. 

One morning I was sitting on the couch with stringy hair and no make up and I said to Andy, "I just want you to know, I will get my rhythm back. This is not the new version of me."  He looked at me with knowing eyes and said, "I understand. You need to give yourself some grace." 

When life hands you a hurt, the tendency we all have is to want to know "why"? There is something inside of us that is desperate for an explanation...like maybe if there was a good enough reason for the pain then it would be worth it. The thought of pointless suffering is more than our hearts can bear.

Sometimes we are blessed with an understanding of why the pain happened or we get to see the good that came out of our suffering. But we are not promised a full understanding of it this side of eternity. Often, we don’t get to know the “why”. Job didn’t realize that Satan had asked permission to test him and God approved the request. The man who was blind from birth didn’t know he was born that way so that God could reveal His glory through him once he was a full grown adult. Mary and Martha couldn’t understand why Jesus would allow his dear friend, Lazarus, to die when he had healed so many other sick people. The aching in their hearts was real and there was an all-powerful God who loved them and saw their pain but did nothing to take it away...because He had something greater in mind.

Right now when I listen to or sing songs of worship to God, it is often with a tear streaked face. The wound is still so tender and the words of the songs reach way down in my heart and take on a deeper meaning than ever before. This is my sacrifice of praise. I have something that I can lay at the feet of Jesus. It is my opportunity to trust Him with the most intimate longing of my heart. And if I can’t trust Him with that, what does it really say about this faith that I have claimed to believe all these years; this faith that I've assured people will carry them through their darkest of moments? This is my moment. It is my chance to put into practice every ounce of belief I can muster up from somewhere deep inside and say to Jesus, “I don’t understand. This is not what I want. But I trust you. And I will worship You regardless of what happens in my life because You are God. My worship is not dependent upon my circumstances.” 

I made the choice long before this season that my theology will not be dictated by my experience. When I walk through the darkness, I will hold on to what I knew to be true in the light. God was good then. He is still good now. 

I may never fully understand why God has allowed this to be my journey. I may store that fragile question in a beautiful little package to take with me to heaven. But perhaps that is the wrong question. Not a bad question. I certainly don’t think Jesus minds hearing it. Maybe it’s just the wrong question upon which to focus my thoughts. I have had to intentionally turn my focus from the "Why?" to the “How?” questions. How do You want me to embrace this? How do You want me to live each day in a way that honors You? How can You use this trial to minister to others? How do You want us to pour out all this love that You’ve put in our hearts for another child?

One thing that has been very healing to me is starting to tell my story to others. The first time I shared about our struggle with infertility was in a rather public way. Andy asked me if I would be willing to make a video to be shown on Sunday at our church about our journey. I readily agreed to do it, but as Sunday approached I had an ever-increasing desire to hide in the shadows. Instead of my normal seat up front, I sat in the middle surrounded by a sea of people. I didn’t want to greet people after the service, as is my custom. But I did. And you know what I found? A bunch of tear-streaked faces of women who either had or were currently struggling with infertility themselves. Some ministered to me, and God gave me the wonderful privilege of ministering to some of them. 

I have been amazed by the responses I've received from this series of blog posts. Women have messaged me and emailed me their stories. So many of them have said, "Thank you for sharing your story...it helps to know that I'm not alone." And it helps me to know that they're out there, too. We all have a story to tell. And if we are willing, God will use it to minister to others and to bring healing to our own soul. He will never waste a hurt. The full redemption of the pain in our lives only comes when we can use that very pain to minister to others. 

Another thing that helps me is to purposefully get out of my house and find someone to serve. Who can I take a meal to? Is there a friend that could use some company? Maybe there's someone at church that God wants me to encourage. Doing this forces me to look outward instead of inward. My pain is real, no doubt. But I am not the only hurting person in the world. Serving others reminds me that I live for a higher purpose and that there is pain and suffering in the world much greater than my own. I do not need, nor do I want, to live a self-absorbed life.  

Forcing myself to put all of these thoughts and feelings into writing has been very healing for me. Sometimes I'll read back over what I just wrote and think to myself, "Yes, that is what I believe," like I just learned it all over again. But there is still some pain there. A dull aching that can begin to throb at unexpected moments. I have begun to embrace that pain as God’s blessing to me. That ache reminds me of my opportunity to trust God, to worship Him as He truly is instead of as I would make Him. That ache is my reminder that this is not my home. There will be a place where I will cry no more tears and every longing will be fulfilled in the One who is the fulfiller and fulfillment of every promise in God. So in the midst of crushing disappointments and unmet expectations, I choose to embrace the One who has been embracing me all along. Whenever I find myself crying tears into His chest, I inevitably end up with my eyes locked on His in worship. He is the lifter of my head. 

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Choosing to Trust

The following is part of a series of posts that will take you on a (very personal) journey with me through the story of our family. If you are just now tuning in, take a minute to start back at the beginning and catch up: 

Post 1: A Journey

Post 2: Love Awakened

Post 3: Hope Deferred

Post 4: Worth the Wait

Post 5: A Longing Fulfilled

Post 6: Faith Tested

I'm going to try to wrap this up in about 3 more posts. Can you hang with me? 

Our time in San Diego felt strange. Not exactly the mixture of emotions we thought we'd be experiencing on this family vacation. We didn't expect to need to research the nearest hospitals every day when we went on an outing just in case we needed to get there quickly. I had envisioned putting the boys to sleep early and then watching movies with Andy while cuddling on the couch and enjoying desserts. We did some of that, but our evenings were also filled with tears pent up from the day, long conversations trying to make sense of everything, and writing down my thoughts as I tried to process through my grief. 

I didn't want to miss this moment with my boys, but I felt like a shell of myself. I'd be fine one minute and then hiding my face from my kids the next to disguise the tears that had suddenly sprung to my eyes. 

There were three different components of what we were walking through: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. 

Physically we knew that the actual miscarriage could take place at anytime. Most of the time, a woman's body can do this naturally but my midwife had warned us that there are occasions where you have to go the hospital because of complications. This especially worried Andy so he was constantly checking on me to see how I was feeling physically. It kinda felt like the last week of pregnancy when you know labor could start at any time...we always had a contingency plan of what we'd do if that happened.

Emotionally we were both grieving. It felt like we had lost a child, or at least the hope of a child. This baby was deeply loved and long awaited. The pain ran deep.

I also grieved the loss of a joy-filled pregnancy. There was exuberant joy from every person that we had told that we were pregnant. Our hearts were so full and expectant that it felt impossible to keep the good news to ourselves. As I considered the thought of trying to get pregnant again, I understood that our next pregnancy will likely be received (by us and by others) with much more caution and even fear. Every expectant mom has the reality of miscarriage in the back of her mind. But when you have walked that road, the battle with fear is inevitable. I loved the unreserved excitement I had in sharing my joy with others. I felt like I lost that when I lost this baby.

And, though this may seem unimportant, I also grieved the loss of what I felt like was perfect timing for our family. A late June due date was great for the rhythm of Andy's schedule with his church responsibilities. Fall is always a busy time for the church, and next fall in particular we have already started planning some big things for South Bay. The timing was also great as a homeschooling mom because it provided about 6 weeks to get our feet back under us before needing to think about school. I could totally wrap my mind around a late June birthday...but now it felt like we were completely up in the air again.

Perhaps the most difficult thing to process, however, was the spiritual component of what happened. 

The day I found out I was pregnant, I had imagined God like a parent who just watched their child open the best Christmas gift ever. I imagined him laughing with joy and clapping His hands with delight. Now, as I looked back on that day, I had no idea what God was thinking while He looked on from Heaven. He knew that in 3 weeks time my joy would turn to grief like I'd never experienced. I wondered what He was thinking and feeling as He watched me rejoice. I didn't know what to make of it. One night I said to Andy, "I just can't imagine my earthly father ever doing something to wound me so deeply. How do I received this from my Heavenly Father who loves me perfectly?" 

I knew that it was important to keep filling my mind with truth instead of allowing Satan to fill it with lies. So, before we left on vacation, I grabbed Chip Ingram's book entitled, "God As He Longs For You To See Him". My perspective of God was suddenly very fuzzy and I needed a trusted source to hold my hand and remind me of all the things that the Bible teaches as truth about the character of God. 

I also wanted to be real and honest about all of my questions while still being respectful of God. I don't think that God is at all threatened by our honest questions and He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him. He's big enough to handle any emotion that we bring to the table and trying to disguise them is futile since He knows everything about us anyway. 

At the same time, we have to choose if we will come to God humbly or arrogantly. Seeking to understand or demanding answers. For example, one thing I've really struggled with is feeling like this chain of events in my life is cruel and mean spirited. After five and a half years of infertility, why even let us get pregnant only to take it away 7.5 weeks in? It would have been easier emotionally to not even get pregnant. So, I take that to God and lay it at His feet... "Father, to me, what just happened feels cruel. But I know that Your Word says that You are a kind and compassionate Father who loves to give good gifts to His children. How does what happened to me fit into the truth of who You are?"

The concept of prayer also left me with huge questions. Isn't praying for a child in accordance with God's will? He instructs us to "go forth and multiply" and tells us that "children are a blessing from the Lord." Doesn't the Bible promise that "the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective"? Didn't Jesus teach that if we ask for anything in His name He would do it? Hadn't we prayed for years for a baby, received the pregnancy with gratitude and thanksgiving, and continued to pray DAILY for the health of this child? What went wrong?

I think anyone who says they have a clear understanding of how prayer works is probably a little crazy. Can we ever truly understand the Almighty? The truth is God does not owe me an explanation. He is God and He may do whatever He chooses. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. They are far higher. Far better, and wiser, and more loving than what I can wrap my mind around. He reserves the right to not explain all the why’s of His choices and I have to remind myself that if I could understand everything about God, He would be no God at all. 

Andy, who was also struggling through this concept of prayer, described it like this... sometimes when he presents an idea to our kids, he has already made up his mind that that's the way it's going to be. It is his "will" and nothing that the kids say is going to change his mind. But there are other occasions that the plan is more flexible. He wants to hear their opinions and feedback and will take them into consideration as he makes the final decision. Andy said, "Perhaps, in God's Sovereignty, prayer is kinda like that. We don't know which decisions our prayers can effect and which decisions God has already divinely determined, so we should just pray about everything, always knowing that God has every right to make the final call."

When we live this way, ending every prayer with "not my will but Your's be done", we can rest in the confidence that we serve a Sovereign God who knows the end from the beginning and His plan is always best. This is how we can acknowledge the deep longings of our hearts while reminding ourselves that our deepest longing is for the Lord’s will to be done in our lives. 

One other idea that has helped show me the value of prayer is a quote by Charles Spurgeon: 

“We do not show our trouble to the Lord that He may see it, but that we may see Him. It is for our relief, and not for His information, that we make plain statements concerning our troubles. It does us much good to list our sorrows.” 

So that's kinda where I've landed with it right now. I'll keep pouring out my heart to God...telling Him all that I long for, asking Him all of my unanswered questions, and sifting through my every emotion at the foot of His throne. I'll keep doing that because I believe, in my heart of hearts, that He cares. That He loves me deeply. That He is a kind and compassionate and good Father. That He would not hurt me without cause or withhold from me without preparing something better. And I will remind myself that He is God and I am not. Even when I don't understand, I know that He can be trusted.

Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him. Job 13:15

Hiking, Poverty, and Ice Cream

While Andy and I were in Tahoe this weekend, we took a hike that led us to Emerald Bay. It was such a beautiful day. I couldn't decide if I wanted to leave my sweatshirt on or bust out with the tank top below, so the whole hike it was on and off, on and off. We sat down by the shore with the sun beating on our backs, just drinking in the splendor of the moment before we headed back up the mountain.

On our way back up we heard an onslaught of sirens. First a couple fire trucks, then some ambulances, and several police followed. There were probably close to a dozen emergency vehicles at the top of the trail when we came out.

We overheard someone say that a woman had fallen while hiking, but that's all we knew. By the time we made it back to our car, the road had been shut down because it was being used as a helicopter landing pad.

It was a somber and surreal scene. We knew that in that moment, someone in very close proximity to us was fighting for her life. In that moment, I would have done anything to help her. If I thought it would have helped, I would have climbed down to where she was just to hold her hand and cover her with my sweatshirt. I would have prayed over her and given her all my water and told her that there were dozens of people here to help rescue her.

But there was nothing we could do.

We sat in the line up of cars for a while before Andy turned the car around and headed the opposite direction. We prayed for her, the rescue workers, and the doctors as we drove away.

Then we did something that felt strangely out of place. We went and got ice cream and a latte. Our hearts still felt heavy and we both continued praying for her, but we knew it was not helping the victim at all for us to just sit in our car in that line of traffic.

It made me think about how we respond when exposed to pain, heartache, and tragedy. Maybe you went on a mission trip and saw 3rd world poverty for the first time. Maybe you watched a news report or read a magazine article that opened your eyes to suffering in the world. Maybe you went to Ethiopia to adopt a son and realized that you're leaving millions of orphans behind. And you feel absolutely ruined.

And when you get back to life as usual, everything looks different. The cost of a drink from Starbucks could feed an Ugandan family for a week. The dinner your child turns his nose up to would have been gladly received by those in war-torn Somalia.

You feel guilty for having too much, spending too much, and enjoying life too much. Until you don't anymore. You move on. Other things vie for your attention. It shook us up for a while, but now the dust has settled and we can once again sip our lattes in peace.

But what if there's another option?

What if we could live in our reality without forgetting people who live in quite a different reality? What if we could enjoy the immense ways that God has blessed our lives and receive them with gratitude instead of feeling guilty that someone else's plight is not our own?

What if we chose to live, not with guilt or with greed, but with radical generosity? What if we saw the resources God poured into our lives as a tool to bless a hurting world? What if we changed our perspective from "How much money can I make this year?" to "How much money can I give this year?"

We are among the most blessed people in all the world. Don't feel guilty about that. Be thankful, and be generous.

Don't know where to start? Here's some organizations we believe in:

• Compassion International
• Freedom House
• Amazima
• Charity Water
• World Vision
• International Justice Mission (IJM) 

By the way, we don't know the outcome on the hiker. We found a news article that said she is a 20 year old from Chico, CA and that she sustained major injuries by falling about 100 feet. As far as we know she is still fighting for her life in the Reno hospital. 

God's Favorite People

I met a man today named Reggie. He’s one of God’s favorite people.

When he turned around and I saw his face, I couldn’t help but gasp. He has two small holes where his ears used to be. Smooth, shiny skin has replaced his hair. His disfigured arms only allow a very limited use of a few fingers. Reggie is a burn victim. 

Reggie held out a small cup at a stop light for people to drop change in. We grabbed a few quarters sitting in our cup holder and dropped them in the Reggie-fund along with a silent prayer. 

When the light turned green, we were off to our destination while Reggie stayed behind. 

We stopped at the restaurant for lunch just a couple hundred yards away. But before we ordered our food I said to Andy, “I want to go ask that man if he’d like to eat lunch with us.” Andy readily agreed.

So we walked the 200 yards and Reggie met us on the side of the road. We invited him to lunch but he declined. He said, “I don’t like to eat in public because I can’t use my hands. I have to eat like this.” And he demonstrated how he has to lean his face to his food like an animal. We assured him we didn’t mind, but he said he was okay. 

Reggie told us his name and shared that in 1995 he tried to take his own life by pouring gasoline on himself and lighting a flame. The only indication he gave as to why he did that was that he said, “I wasn’t a very good father.”

I asked him if he felt like he has more hope for living since that time and he said he has more hope than we could imagine. He said that God has given him hope and told him during his healing process that, “It wasn’t his time yet.” 

Reggie told us, “I don’t feel sorry for myself and I don’t regret what happened. God used it to open my eyes.” 

After our goodbyes, Andy and I walked back to the restaurant thinking of what Reggie’s life must be like...all that he’s been through. The years of being a bad father, the sorrow so deep that it motivated him to hurt himself in such a painful way, the days and weeks and months of recovering from 3rd degree burns that covered his entire body, learning to function and hope again while caged in a disabled body. 

The reason I say that Reggie is one of God’s favorite people is because, the truth is, every single person created in His image gets to bear that honor. Not just pastors or wealthy people or educated people or powerful people. But also people who are hurting, the down and out, the forgotten. 

When you look at each face that comes your way today, think to yourself, “This is one of God’s favorite people.” God cherishes them like you cherish your precious 4 year old daughter that snuggled on your lap this earlier today. How can you love that person and honor them as one of God’s very favorite people?

Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, 

you did it for me. Matthew 25:40

Take a load off...

You are to labor six days but you must rest on the seventh day; 

you must even rest during plowing and harvest times.    Exodus 34:21

Isn't it fantastic that God tells us (commands us!) to take a break? I saw a tweet today that says, "Exhaustion is not a badge of honor." The God who created us made us with the need to slow down, to rest. 

I love how the verse says, "You must even rest during plowing and harvest times." During our busiest seasons (the Grand Opening of a church or business, welcoming home a new baby, Christmas holidays, etc...), even then we need to make windows to rest. 

Ways we try to rest:

1. Weekly Family Day: Andy takes every Friday off from work. That is our day to shut down the computers, take naps if we can, and do something fun as a family. A Sabbath with young kids may not always be the most relaxing and there are obvious chores that still have to be done just to keep people fed and children taken care of, but we view Fridays as our days not to do any extra work.
2. Weekly Date Night: Thursday is our night. Highlight of my every week. Find a family to do a babysitting swap with and make Date Nights a habit. If you're gonna be legalistic about something, be legalistic about Date Nights with your spouse!
3. Marriage Getaways: Andy & I are trying to institute a spring and fall getaway for a couple of nights just to enjoy being together and focusing on our marriage. It seems like a luxury, but we see it as an investment. A priority. We want to still be madly in love and enjoy spending time together 50 years from now, so we better make some memories and keep remembering why we just can't get enough of each other. Our marriage would probably be fine without it, but it will sure be better for it. 
4. Family Vacations: We're still trying to figure this one out because we often spend our vacation time visiting our dearly loved and much-missed family on the East Coast. But we also value making some special memories with just our immediate family. When our kids think back on their lives, vacations and special events are the types of things they will remember. Vacations are such a great way to unplug, unwind, and bond together as a family. 

There are lots of other ideas to rest as well... a day alone with God by the beach, a long walk to clear your mind, driving a scenic route to see the leaves changing... There's no one "right" way to rest. The key is just to make yourself do it. Regularly. Even when life is busy.

What refreshes you?

Mine.

I'm pretty sure the "Mine" stage is a scientifically supported stage of development for children. They all go through it. For some (dare I say "most"?), however, this stage extends far into adulthood and consumes many people's lives. It's not really a stage at all, more of a socially acceptable way of thinking. Most of us, as adults, just learn enough social graces to not shout MINE! at the top of our lungs when someone wants to mess with our stuff. 

We work hard for our stuff. We're not sure others will take care of it if they borrow it. We're not sure there will be enough for us if we share it. 

• It's my house.
• It's my car.
• It's my food.
• It's my computer.
• It's my money.

I might be willing to share a little. But only on my terms and don't ask too much. Because it's mine, remember? Go get your own!

Of course we never say that. But most of us live that way...Painstakingly guarding that which rightfully belongs to us. And nobody around us really notices, because they, of course, are busy protecting what belongs to them. 

While this may be the norm in our culture, it is far from Biblical. The early church shared EVERYTHING. If there was ever someone in need among them, someone else would meet that need, even if that meant they had to go sell a piece of their property to have the money to do it. 

This is something we try to drill into our kids' heads. By our example, by our language, and by our requirements of them. 

Our Example: 

• If Andy is going to be out of town for the week, there is typically someone we know that could benefit from borrowing his car. We're happy to do that.
• When we were blessed to be able to purchase a new vehicle, we gave away our last one. Let me be honest, it was not very nice. Actually the kind of car you feel bad about giving to someone. But it met a need for a little while.
• When we see a need that we have the capacity to meet, we try our best to jump in and do it, even if it comes with personal sacrifice involved.

Our Language:

• When the Mine issue comes up, we often say, "Nothing in this world belongs to us. Everything that we have is a gift from God. He's given us so much so we are happy to share it with others." 
• A shorter phrase that you could hear me say (probably multiple times a day) is, "In our family, we share." It's part of what it means to be a Wood.

Our Requirements of them:

• We're not real big on identifying which toy belongs to which child. Sure, certain toys were given to a certain child for a birthday or Christmas, but once the toy is in the house it is a shared possession. We have guidelines for possessions that could be damaged by a younger sibling, but we don't typically give anyone the authority to say "That's my favorite car. You can't play with it." In our family, we share. 
• Also, an unwillingness to share with friends or siblings is simply not tolerated. It's not something that we're going to have a long, heartfelt discussion over on a counselor's couch. I'm not going to try to coax him into giving another child a turn with the soccer ball by telling him how good it feels to share. No. We share. That's what we do. Whether it feels good or not, it's the right thing to do. 

You know why "Mine" is one of the first words a child can say? Because it's part of our DNA to be selfish. If a newborn could speak, he would say "Mine" right along with the rest of us. To live the way Jesus wants us to live (with open hands instead of clinched fists) we have got to make some very intentional lifestyle choices. 

Generosity brings blessing and joy. Greed brings anxiety and isolation. 

What can you share or give away today?

It's good for the flesh.

This past weekend, our church served at Santa Clara's Art & Wine festival. This is always a special event for our church because, not only is it the largest city event that we help with, it also was our first connection point with the city.

When the Wood, Santos, and Jackson families first moved to the Bay Area in 2008, we served at the Santa Clara Art & Wine festival less than 2 weeks after we arrived (still living out of boxes). With the help of a mission team from one of our partner churches, we hosted a booth, picked up trash, and helped with set up/tear down. People thought we were some big established church but we actually didn't even have a meeting location or a launch team yet!

For the past 4 years, South Bay Church's presence at the Art & Wine Festival has gotten more and more prevalent. As the city has learned that they can trust us, they have asked us to take on more and more responsibility.

This year South Bay Church provided over 250 volunteers to serve at the event. What a statement to our city! This church is here to love and bless our city! We probably had thousands of people stop by our both and 700 of them filled out info cards. Our team is working like crazy to follow up with all 700 people before our "Big Day" this Sunday.

On Sunday afternoon, Andy, the boys, and I were on our way to the festival for our "shift". We were getting there right as the festival ended to help with the massive clean up effort. Caedmon was (dramatically) disappointed when he realized that the festival was over. I guess kettle corn and carnival rides sounded a lot better to him then picking up trash. Go figure.

Our 3 year old Sammy, who could have fun doing ANYTHING, interrupted Caedmon's melt down by saying matter-of-factly, "Caedmon, we're here to help." Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

I said to Andy, "Serving is so good for the flesh."

Walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh. Galatians 5:16-17

• My flesh would rather stay home and sit on my couch then go and serve. 
• My flesh would rather be grumpy or think about all the difficult things in my life instead of choosing joy. 
• My flesh would rather speak harshly to a disobedient child than to gently instruct and train him. 

Our flesh needs a constant reminder that we don't live for it anymore! We live for the Spirit and have crucified the flesh.

Whether we are training our kids to be selfless or training ourselves, we all need to give ourselves ample opportunities to beat down the flesh so the Spirit can rise up in us and fill us with LIFE!

• Serve someone in secret. 
• Give some money to a good cause that you would rather spend on yourself. 
• Invest time in a relationship instead of focusing solely on your 'to-do' list. 

After all, it's good for the flesh!