3 Things I Wish I Would Have Known 3 Years Ago- Part 3

Since recently celebrating Sammy's 3rd "Gotcha Day", I've been doing some reflection on just how far God has brought us over the past 3 years. Last week I shared with you two lessons I wish I had learned a little earlier in the process:

• When in doubt, error on the side of grace
• You should never judge how your adoption in going within the first 6 months of having your kids home. 

The final thing I wanted to share is:

• Love grows. 

Above all else, this was the issue that haunted me. More traumatizing than the sleep issues, more discouraging than the inconsolable tantrums... the thing that wrecked me the most was what was going on in my own heart.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Caedmon, I was in love. That love grew deeper and stronger with every movement I felt inside my growing belly and it about knocked me over like a tidal wave when I finally held him in my arms. The love of a mother...there is nothing like it.

Throughout our adoption process, I had been having a very parallel experience in my growing love toward Sammy. When we started our paperwork (conception), I could not have been more thrilled. Excitement and happiness pulsed through my veins. When we received his first picture (ultrasound), we showed it to every one of our friends and immediately put it in a frame over our TV. The day we finally met him was one of the happiest days of my life (birth). I could not stop staring at him and trying to memorize his every expression. He was my dream come true, my answer to prayer. I was head over heels in love.

But then we got home.

And suddenly I felt like I was taking care of a neighbor's kid who I hardly knew and he was ruining my life. He cried all day. He stayed up all night. My older son was falling to pieces. And everything about my calm and orderly life just got flipped upside down.

I cried because I was so miserable with him. And then I cried because I felt bad that I was so miserable. Where was my motherly-love? What kind of horrible person was I that I didn't feel compassion and tenderness for this wounded, grieving child? Would I ever love this child the way he deserved to be loved? As my own son?

The guilt that I felt was unbearable. I was pretty confident that I was ruining Sammy's life every single day, at increasing measures. I was blindsided by the lack of attachment I felt toward him. I knew it may take time for him to attach to us, but I was sure that my attachment would be immediate, fierce, and without any gaps.

I was wrong.

That love took time to grow. It took picnics to the playground and dance parties in our living room. It took hanging pictures of our family of four on the wall. It took learning that his favorite food is tomatoes and that he can't stand a grilled cheese sandwich. It took seeing him get embarrassed in front of his friends and realizing that my heart ached to protect him from that pain. It took time, memories, and shared experiences.

I remember crying on his 1 year "Gotcha Day" as I confessed to Andy, "I thought we'd be further than this." I thought, for sure, everything would feel normal and natural by the one year mark. To be sure, we had made a world of progress. But we still had progress to be made.

It is a layer by layer process. Some days you feel like you're getting no where, but then you look back over the past six months and realize that God continues to do a miraculous healing in all of your hearts. The old is gone, and the new has come. He is making ALL THINGS beautiful in His time.

At one of my lowest moments in the midst of my self-hatred and depression feeling like the worst mom in the world, God gave a verse. A life-line really. A promise to cling to that I could LOVE this precious little boy the way that he deserved to be loved regardless of what my feelings told me. My feelings would catch up later, but I knew what I could choose to do in that moment:

Dear children, let us love not with words or speech but with ACTIONS and in truth. This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.           1 John 3:18-20

I desperately needed my heart to be set at rest. I was filled to the brim with condemnation and guilt over my lack of emotional attachment to Sammy. And Jesus said to me, "I already know about it. I'm bigger than that. You can love him with your actions and I'll take care of your heart."

So today, if you are a parent and for whatever reason you're having a hard time feeling love toward your child, be encouraged that you can faithfully love him with your actions and God will transform your heart.

Give it time, because LOVE GROWS.

3 Things I Wish I Would Have Known 3 Years Ago- Part 2

Yesterday, in reflecting on our adoption experience, I shared with you how I wish I had erred more on the side of grace. I wish that I would have known that I could have indulged negative behavior patterns for a season without having to put up with them for a lifetime. Grace for Sammy. Grace for me. It would have made the journey more pleasant.

Another thing I wish I would have known is:

2- You should never judge how your adoption is going within the first 6 months of having your kids home. 

The first 6 months (at least for us) were pure survival mode. Hand to the plow, head to the ground, get-it-done-mode.

Most adoptive kids come home with some sort of medical issues (even just minor things) that need to be sorted through. This requires extra rounds of doctor appointments, blood work, stool samples, therapy appointments, and administering appropriate medication. Sammy was very healthy overall, but he came home with some type of fungus on his scalp, giardia in his intestines, and what I refer to as "the orphanage cough" that every child there seemed to have complete with runny nose, drippy eyes, and deep congestion. It took us about 4 months to get him healthy and off medication.

In addition to these physical symptoms, many children come home with major food issues. Refusing to eat, gorging themselves, hoarding food, stealing food, hiding food in their bedroom, hating all the new food and missing all the food they're familiar with. I was under the impression that young children always stop eating when they are full...like an automatic cut-off valve. But when Sammy got home he packed on pounds like a linebacker that first month because I just kept feeding him! Every time he saw food, he wanted to eat it and reached for it with pure desperation in his eyes. His pediatrician said, "Yeah, I think you're gonna have to start regulating his portion size for him."

Sleep issues, which I shared about yesterday, were the thing that about sank our ship. It is amazing how sleep deprivation affects every single area of your life. I was an emotional basket case and did not have the physical energy to cope with all the struggles we were facing. I walked around in a fog with a half-functioning brain. I was grumpy (read "angry"), resentful, and trying my best just to keep my head above water. It's hard to be tender and loving with a child in the daytime that has kept you awake all night (and you know will keep you awake all night again tonight).

Behavior problems and emotional outbursts are at their peak during these first 6 months. If there was ever a moment I wasn't able to hold Sammy,  he would follow me around crying (screaming) with his arms in the air. Finding a time to shower was tricky. If I left him in the same room with Caedmon, Sammy would throw things (with amazing accuracy, I might add) at Caedmon's head. If I brought him in my room for pack-n-play time while I showered (with the door open so I could talk to him), he inevitably needed a new diaper, change of clothes, and a complete wipe down because of all the tears, mucous, and other bodily fluids released in the 8 minutes that I disappeared.

He wanted to be held but he'd fight to get out of my arms. He refused help with anything but needed help with everything. He was utterly exhausted but would resist sleep with every ounce of strength he could find.

We understood logically what was happening. Sammy was grieving the loss of everything familiar in his life. New family, new home, new language, new mode of transportation, new food, new smells, and on and on... For him, it was like a horrible movie when you wake up in someone else's body living someone else's life. He had no way of knowing that we would never leave him, that he was safe, and that we would love him forever.

Understanding all of that logically helps keep things in perspective, but regardless, the season is incredibly hard. I cried myself to sleep more nights than I'd like to remember. I questioned our decision and wondered if life would ever feel normal again.

But, as I read recently, these 6 months are not the time for Feelings. You can think about your Feelings later, once they've regained a little composure. For now, you do the work. You love with your actions, not your Feelings. You feed, bathe, hold, soothe, and clothe because you are his parent whether you Feel like it or not.

You will get through those treacherous 6 months. It may take longer or you may breeze through it. But a day will come that you'll realize, "I felt like a normal human for 3 hours straight," and you will know you're making progress.

Check back tomorrow for the 3rd thing I wish I would have known...

3 Things I Wish I Would Have Known 3 Years Ago

We recently celebrated Sammy's 3rd Gotcha Day. 3 amazing years of Sammy. The growth we've seen, in our own lives as well as in him, is a beautiful, beautiful picture of God's mercy and grace.

The Santos family (in the midst of an adoption from Brazil) joined us for some Ethiopian food and frozen yogurt as we celebrated the gift of Sammy.

Silly Sammy showing off his gifts from Ethiopia. 

At least one child was blurry in every picture from the yogurt shop. 

Guess the sugar-high was kicking in!

This time of year always causes me to get reflective on our adoption process, so I thought this week I'd share three things I wish I had known 3 years ago. Today I'll share #1.

1- Whenever in doubt, error on the side of grace.

Up unto the point Sammy joined our family, our only parenting experience had been with Caedmon who has been with us since he was born. Andy & I had taken a more structured approach to raising Caedmon when it came to sleep patterns, schedule, etc. We let Caedmon "cry-it-out" at night and he was sleeping like a champ in his own room by the time he was 3 months old. Although I had to arm-wrestle him more than once regarding nap time, Caedmon took a long afternoon nap every day until he was nearly 5 years old.

Then enters Sammy. Sammy's sleep issues hit us like an 18-wheeler. He did not sleep through the night for the first year and a half after we got him home...often up 3-4 times per night. At first he would wake up with night terrors, shaking & screaming. Those passed fairly quickly but then he just became a party animal, wanting to hang out and chat at 2 AM. We had no idea what to do and were getting mixed advice from people. Some said to let him sleep in bed with us, some said to keep him in the same room but in his own bed, and others encouraged us to move him to Caedmon's room. 

Andy & I were pretty committed to not letting Sammy sleep in bed with us because 1) Andy & I couldn't sleep if Sammy got in our bed, and 2) we feel that's an unhealthy pattern long term and did not want to start a habit we'd have to break. We let Sammy sleep in a pack-n-play in our room, which we felt like was a compromise. But one of us inevitably spent half the night in a rocking chair holding him or with our body hanging over the side of the pack-n-play rubbing his back.

Looking back, however, Andy & I both feel like it would have been helpful and beneficial to have allowed Sammy to sleep with us for a time. Our presence soothed him and he needed the reassurance that we were always near.

I think, regardless of whether or not we had let him sleep in our bed, we were going to have to deal with some major sleep issues with Sammy. BUT, what I wish I would have known (and been okay with) is that it wasn't going to ruin Sammy, and might actually help him a lot, to error on the side of grace. The structure and order that I craved would eventually come in time. But it may take a lot MORE time than what I wanted.

When we brought Sammy home, I expected some sleepless nights. But, I just assumed that by the 3 month mark this 2 year old would be "sleeping like a champ in his own room" just like Caedmon had. I had stored up grace for the first 3 months, but the well seemed to run dry long before the need was quenched. 

I'm happy to say that Sammy has great sleep patterns now. He stays in his bed all night and gives me much less of a fit about nap time than Caedmon ever did. We made it through that rough, sleepless season. But the journey may have been more pleasant if we had given more grace along the way.

Whatever struggle you're facing right now, adoption-related or not, give it time and give it grace. It WILL pass and you will have a lot fewer regrets if you get your own tank of grace filled up from the Giver and then splash it all over those around you!

Come back tomorrow for #2. 

Rescued

It's easy for me to forget what Sammy's life could have been like.

Gone are the days when Sammy would get the look of desperation in his eyes every time he saw food. Gone are the days when he would force feed himself until we finally would take his plate away for fear he may make himself throw up. Gone are the days that he would eat with one hand while guarding his food with the other so no one would steal it from him.

He has no concern for food these days. He's knows it's coming at least 3 times a day and he's beginning to realize that he can pick & choose what he likes because there's always plenty to choose from.

He has no want for clothes or toys or clean water or loving affection. He used to. But not anymore.

When Sammy first came home he would rarely cry when he got hurt. He'd scrape his little 2 year old knee or bang his head with a bump hard enough that would have sent Caedmon into hysteria. But instead Sammy would pound on the boo-boo with his fist and grimace. Every time that happened I made a point to pick him up and say, "It's okay to cry, Baby. Mommy will kiss it." He doesn't need me to say that anymore. He's learned where to come with his boo-boos.

I had some concerns for Sammy with cognitive delays not too long after bringing him home. When we started "preschool" this year as apart of homeschooling, Sammy was a lot further behind where Caedmon was at the same age. He could not put together a six piece puzzle. He could not count to 5 (or even 1!). But, today he put together a 24 piece puzzle without assistance and counted to 14. His mind is being stimulated and the intellect that he's capable of now has the opportunity to be achieved.

It's easy for me to forget that, had he stayed with his birth mother, he may have likely died before ever seeing his 5th birthday. He may have never attended school or learned to read. If he broke his leg in an accident, he may have ended up lame because of a lack of medical care. It's easy for me to forget these things...

Because today Sammy rides roller coasters and builds with legos and watches the sun set on the Pacific.  Sammy takes swimming lessons and sleeps in his own big bed in his climate controlled house. He has no need to fear water born illnesses or hyenas attacking his village at night. His life is different now. He's been adopted into a new family.

It dawned on me one day as I was watching Sammy play that his story mirrors my own. I was adopted by God into God's family when I was very young. I was raised in a Christian home and have known very little of the hardships of life apart from Jesus. It's easy for me to forget just how blessed I am. It's easy for me to forget how incredibly different my life would be had I not been adopted.

When I try to play out in my mind what my life may have ended up like if God had not rescued me, I cringe. I think of the different roads I would have travelled in my pursuit of happiness and peace and the sense of frustration and waste I would have had when I realized that they were dead ends. I think of the broken relationships and regret that would litter my trail. I think of the lack of purpose and meaning to life that would plague me.

My "normal" is so far removed from that that I tend to forget how desperate my situation would be apart from the grace of God. I subconsciously begin to think that this is the path I've chosen for myself...that I made these good choices that led me to this good place and, therefore, I must be very good.

As our reality gets further and further away from "what could have been" it's easy to lose our reverenced sense of gratitude for what Jesus has done for us. 

But the truth is, I'm not here because I'm good. I'm here because I've been rescued. Redeemed from a pit of self-destructive hopelessness and put onto solid ground.

Sammy has no clue what he's been rescued from, and I'm glad about that. It would be too much for his little 4 year old heart to bear. But one day, when we travel back to Ethiopia and play with the children there, the light will go on for him. He will see their beautiful, coffee colored, smiling faces and know that his could have been among them. He will hold children with ring worm and kiss widows dying of AIDS. He will bandage the feet of children who have no shoes to wear and offer a granola bar to a child digging through a trash heap for something to eat. And with every encounter I pray that the Holy Spirit whispers in his heart that he has been rescued.

Friend, if you are a follower of Jesus, you have been rescued as well. Maybe your life was a total wreck and God transformed it and you know full-well what a gift you've been given. I hope you never forget it! Or maybe you're like me...rescued so long ago that it's hard to imagine anything different. If that's you, take the time to imagine it. Really let the reality of it sink down into your bones. I didn't deserve to be born into a wonderful family that taught me about Jesus. No good thing is in my life apart from the grace of God.

It's easy to forget, but let's make a point to remember. 

Worth the Wait

The following is a part of a series of posts that will take you on a (very personal) journey with me through the story of our family. If you are just now tuning in, take a minute to start back at the beginning and catch up: 

Post 1: A Journey

Post 2: Love Awakened

Post 3: Hope Deferred

While God has still not chosen to bless us with another biological child, He has blessed our family with a breathtakingly beautiful little Ethiopian boy that we named Sammy. There are times that Sammy’s belly laugh can stop me in my tracks as I remember God’s promise: those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He may be the most joyful child I’ve ever met.

When Andy and I had been married about one month, we went to Thailand for a couple of weeks and worked with an orphanage. It took about two minutes for both of us to be head over heels in love with these children and we started scheming how we could bring a couple home with us. From that point on there was no question in our minds: We knew one day we would adopt. But “one day” is rather elusive. We had no idea when that would be and if we had not gone through this struggle with infertility when we did, we may have waited years. We may have missed Sammy. And the thought of missing him is more than I can bear. 

Not long after Caedmon turned 3, an adoption agency that I had done a little research on hosted a introductory seminar in our area. I mentioned it to Andy and he thought we should go. I was a little surprised because, while Andy was 100% bought in to the idea of adoption, he wasn’t convinced that this was the right timing. We had only been in California for about a year and had just “given birth” to a new church. We kinda had a lot of other things going on in our lives, but I was (cautiously) excited that he was willing to at least learn more about this agency.

After attending the seminar I casually said to Andy on the drive home, “So, what’d ya think?” His response could not have shocked me more. He said, “I think we should do it.” 

“Really?! Now?! You’re ready?!” Yes.

When we got home, I went back to our office to pull something off our bookshelf...it was the already completed application to the adoption agency that I had filled out weeks prior. It was just awaiting Andy’s signature. He laughed so hard when I handed it to him.  

To say that I was excited would be a huge understatement. I felt like I had just found out that I was pregnant. In many ways, I did! As soon as we said, “Yes!” to adoption we began our “paperwork pregnancy”. We were expecting. 

Nine months later (ironic timing), on July 6, 2010, Andy and I were anxiously standing at the bottom of some steps outside of an orphanage in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Right around the corner was our son who we were waiting to meet for the first time. As 21 month old “Wondimu” toddled out tightly squeezing the finger of his caregiver, my heart leapt into my throat and that same joy that I felt when Caedmon was first placed in my arms was mine again. 

It would be impossible for me to sum up in one post all that God has taught me through our adoption experience. In fact, much of my blog is devoted to sharing that journey with you. But today, I will share a few highlights.

Many people wonder (and a few have been brave enough to ask), “Is it different?” Is adopting a child different than having one biologically? Do you feel differently about the adopted child than you do your biological child? 

(Sidebar- It’s important to note that adoptive families never refer to kids born biologically as “kids of our own”. i.e. “We had a child of our own and then we adopted one.” No. Both Caedmon and Sammy are very much “kids of our own”.)

Back to the question... The answer is yes, it is different. And yet at the same time no, not at all. 

When we brought Sammy into our family, I fully anticipated having all of the same emotions for him that I felt for Caedmon when he joined our family. I was absolutely smitten with Sammy from photos that I had received and was enthralled with him during our week in Ethiopia. I had been longing for him for three and a half years. My dream was finally coming true!

Needless to say, I was completely blindsided by the reality that the bonding process was not immediate in either direction. I anticipated that Sammy may have some trauma to work through and it would take time for him to understand that we are his forever family. But I was confident that I would feel nothing but love and compassion for him. Ha. I discovered I’m not that noble. 

At first, it felt like I was taking care of a friend’s child or, at best, my nephew. I cared about him, but he was a bit of a stranger to me. Not only was there a lack of familiarity, but there were all kinds of negative behaviors that made loving him much more of a choice than an emotion in those first months. Waking up 4 or more times a night, refusing affection, biting, a strange combination of wanting to be constantly held but only on his terms, and sibling issues. Ah, the sibling issues. It was a hard time.

There were so many nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling like a horrible mother. I wondered if I would ever be able to love Sammy the way that he deserved to be loved. Would he ever feel like my son? I knew we were 100% committed to providing for Sammy for the rest of his life, but I wasn’t satisfied with a relationship based on bathing and clothing and feeding. I wanted to love him from the depths of my soul with an unstoppable love. 

It took time. Some weeks felt like we made a ton of progress. But then we’d have a major regression or I would notice some behavior that reminded me of just how far we still had to go.  

It took memory making. It took countless nights of snuggling on the couch while we read the Bible together. It took family vacations and Christmases together. It took singing songs and kissing boo boos and making playdough creations together. It took prayer. 

If you’ve ever met Sammy, you probably have no idea why in the world I would ever struggle to love him the way a mother should love a child. He is truly the most lovable and endearing child you’ll ever meet. I don’t really understand it either. I just know that I have a different expectation of my level of love for my own kids than I expect to feel about any other kids. So as much as I “loved” those children in the orphanage in Thailand and wanted to take them all home with me, the reality is my love for them was not that of a mother’s love. It was a fairy tale love. A happily ever after love. 

Adoption is not about that kind of love. It is not for the joy of beautiful, multi-ethnic Christmas cards. It’s not because I love international missions. It’s not to feel like a superhero by rescuing a child from the throes of poverty. It is not even because adoption is a picture of what God has done for us through Christ. 

As magical and lovely as all of that sounds, adoption requires a fierce love. A “I’m-never-going-to-stop-loving-you-no-matter-what-you-do” kind of love. A love that is willing to potty train and discipline and do bedtime routine every. single. night. A love that can take stinky breath and stinky booties and stinky attitudes. A love that desires what is best for that child no matter what inconvenience or sacrifice is required of myself. That is the love of parenting. You can’t say you love adoption without also loving parenting. 

Do you know why, ultimately, we adopted and why we would like to adopt again in the future? Sure, I’m proud of our beautiful Christmas cards and international mission trips have changed my life. It does feel good to know that we have given a one-time orphan a family and a chance to become all that God has created him to be. And I have, honestly, learned a lot about my relationship with God when I consider the parallels of our adoption process with Sammy.

But the real reason that we are committed to adoption is because the Bible is pretty clear that we (the Church) are to look after widows and orphans in their distress. And because the Bible teaches that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves and it just so happens that a lot of our neighbors in this world are without families. I am NOT one of those people that thinks every single family should adopt. Adoption is a calling. It is one of the (many) ways that we can look after orphans in their distress. But, I AM definitely one of those people that believes every family should consider adoption...because if you haven’t honestly considered it as a possibility for your family, then you can’t honestly say that you know God is not calling you to it. 

One other thing I’ve learned through adoption: love grows. Given time and commitment and a few rounds of glow stick parties, love grows. It may grow slowly at first, but once those roots start to get firmly planted into the rich soil of a devoted family, growth takes place at exponential rates. It’s uncontainable. 

I no longer wonder whether I’ll ever be able to love Sammy the way a mother loves a child. I already do. I marvel at him and laugh at him and get mad at him and play with him and train him the exact same way that I do Caedmon. There is no difference. The only variations come as a result of the fact that, I guess in some ways, we have a unique love relationship with every precious individual in our lives. 

When I look in Sammy’s sparkling coffee colored eyes, I think to myself, “You were worth the wait.” Even if it required me to cry myself to sleep and for my heart to be wrecked with unanswered questions for month after month that grew into year after year. I would do it all over again. I would go through the pain and disappointment of infertility and the struggles with attachment and bonding of adoption. I wouldn’t hesitate just so that I could see him tiptoe out of his bedroom in the morning with his monkey pajamas and soggy pull-up and come bounding into my arms and hear him say, “Mommy.” So worth it. 

A Journey

I want to invite you on a journey with me for the next week or so.

The story I want to share with you is the story of our family... a journey of pregnancy, birth, infertility, adoption, and miscarriage. It's a story of indescribably joy and pain so deep that it takes your breath away. It's a story of longings fulfilled, hope deferred, love awakened, and faith tested. It's a story that may leave more questions than answers and expose more raw emotions than most would like to admit experiencing. But this is the stuff that life is made of.

So over the next week, I will share a piece of our story with you in progressive order. If you miss a day, go back to catch up before reading on as each post will build on the previous ones. It may get messy because it is a story that I am still living. I don't have all the pieces neatly put together yet. But, if you'd be willing to give me a little grace, I'd be willing to journey with you down this road of what God has been teaching me. 

A birthday letter for Sammy...

Dear Sammy,

Four years ago you were born in a tiny hut in Southern Ethiopia. They named you “Wondimu”, which means brother even though you had no siblings. But God, in His infinite Sovereignty, knew that one day in the not too distant future you would both have a brother and be a brother. You were already crafted in to the Wood family. 

I didn’t hear your first cries but my heart was crying for you in ways that I didn’t even understand at the time. Four years ago we had just moved to California and Caedmon had just turned two years old. My heart was longing for another child. Everything about my life was full of sunshine and hope and dreams fulfilled. Except for this one thing. The thing that made even the bluest of skies a little gray. I wanted YOU! 

I didn’t even know I wanted you; I just knew I wanted a baby. I wanted someone on whom I could pour out all this love that was bottled up in my heart. I wanted Caedmon to be a brother. I wanted another little person holding my other hand. 

As impatience and disappointment grew in my heart month by unending month, you were growing in another Mommy’s arms. You were her gift, too. The gift of your giggle and the brightness of your eyes were just too good to not be shared. God saw fit to allow another mom to bask in all that you are before he placed you in your forever family. 

I don’t know the “why” behind most of God’s decisions. I don’t know why I was born in Florida to a family that could provide for me while you were born in Ethiopia to the bondage of poverty. I don’t know why, when God looked at the 143 million orphans in the world today, he handpicked you to be adopted. I don’t know why your journey had to include loss and grief that no child should ever have to endure. I don’t understand those things, but here’s what I do know:

Your story is one of redemption. 

The fact that you once were an orphan living in Ethiopia is a part of your story, but it does NOT define who you are. God rescued you because He has amazing plans for your life. He redeemed you from the pit and sat your feet on solid ground.

Your story is one of God’s faithfulness.

God was with you in that tiny hut in Ethiopia and God is with you tonight as you go to sleep in your bedroom with your brother. He will never leave you. No matter what tragedy or trial you walk through, you need not fear because God is with you. The One who has started this good work in you is FAITHFUL!

Your story is one of love.

Your birth mother loved you too much to watch you suffer to the point of starvation so she did the most sacrificial thing a mother could do. She gave up the most amazing gift she had ever received in hopes that you could have a better life. Your forever family loves you so much and wanted you so deeply that we went to great extents to bring you into our family. (And we would do it all over again!) 

Your daddy and I pray almost every night that you would understand how deeply you are loved. By us and by Jesus. I know that it can get confusing in the mind of a child whose first family wasn’t forever. But, Sammy, please don’t allow that seed of doubt to take root in your mind. You are loved with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love. And, in the end, love wins. 

Here are a few things I love about you as you turn four years old:

• I love that you receive my love. That took some time, to be sure. But now it is as natural as breathing as we hold hands driving down the road or snuggle and laugh on the couch. 
• I love the tenderness of your heart when corrected. You do not require very many consequences. The occasional time out or “talking to” is usually all it really takes for big alligator tears to roll down those cheeks and for you to find your “happy heart”. I could probably count on one hand the number of times we’ve needed to spank you. I had to laugh the other day when you saw the spanking spoon sitting out and you referred to it as “Caedmon’s spoon”. If ownership was dependent upon proportionate utilization of an object, you would be absolutely correct!
• I love your silky, smooth skin. You’ve started to notice the color of your skin recently. One day at breakfast you said out of the blue, “Mom, I’m black.” I asked, “Are you talking about your skin?” You said, “Yes.” I said, “Well, you’re kinda brown, like chocolate.” You said indignantly, “No. I’m black.” I got a good laugh out of that. I love it when you run around the house with your shirt off just so I can see and touch your skin. It is so beautiful.
• I love your sweet disposition toward younger children. You are a nurturer. Even way back when you were in the orphanage (only 18 months old or so yourself!) your caregivers told me that you were so sweet to the other children. If a new child arrived that was upset or scared, they would take you and the child to a different room to play together. You had a way of soothing the other baby even though you were just a baby yourself.
• I love that you are eager to help. In the kitchen. Carrying loads in from the car. Vacuuming the floor. “Can I help?” is a phrase I hear from you daily.
• I love that you are so athletic. The first day we put you on a two-wheeled bike, you were off and running! No one at the park could believe this 3 year old was riding a bike all by himself!

Oh, Sammy, I could go on and on...from your picture perfect smile to the way you tiptoe out of your room each morning. There is so much to love about you! Thank you for receiving my love AND for loving me back so fiercely. I realize that Dad out-awesomes me in virtually every way, and I’m totally cool with that. But I also know that there is a special place in your heart reserved just for me. 

I am your Mommy. You are my answer to a thousand prayers. I love you to pieces.

Forever,
Mommy

"Gotcha Day" Celebration

We celebrated Sammy's 2nd annual "Gotcha Day" this past Saturday. "Gotcha Day" is the day that Sammy officially came into our custody and became a member of the Wood Family. What a moment that was!

Every year on this day we will celebrate the gift of Samuel Wondimu Wood and remember how blessed we are that God brought us together.

This year we celebrated by going to Walia Ethiopian Restaurant with the Santos family. It made the evening so much more special to have such dear friends (who are also lovers of adoption) with whom to celebrate it.

Brothers. 

The Ethiopians who were at the restaurant (some working and some dining) were fascinated 

by Sammy and our adoption story. One man was so touched by it that, as a gesture of 

kindness, he bought our table a bottle of authentic Ethiopian honey wine.  

They might as well be siblings. These kiddos love each other so much and have been 

together pretty much since day one.  

In honor of our trip to Tutti Frutti to get frozen yogurt, we had an impromptu dance party to 

the tune of "Rutti tutti fresh and fruity, watch (Sammy) shake his booty." Does anyone else 

make their kids dance for food on occasion? I get such a kick out of it!

The yogurt received high approval ratings. 

Silly Sammy. The much loved, much celebrated, much accepted child.

All day long Andy kept asking Sammy, "Who are we celebrating tonight?" To which Sammy would respond with all kinds of enthusiasm, "ME!!!" Earlier today I heard Sammy say to no one in particular, "Who loves Sammy? Mommy & Daddy love Sammy! YAY!" The journey of adoption is, among other things, the miraculous interweaving of hearts and lives in the beautiful making of a family. Thank you, Jesus, for the precious gift of Sammy.

October Baby

Andy & I went to see the movie "October Baby" this past weekend. SO GOOD. Must see. 

I don't want to give away too much. But the movie has powerful themes of forgiveness, adoption, abortion, and healing. Anyone would be blessed by this movie, but I especially think it can bring a lot of healing to people who have walked through an abortion or whose lives are touched by adoption.

It is a beautiful movie. If you're like me, you will laugh out loud and try really hard not to make too much noise as you cry. And you will leave with your heart full.

Here's the trailer:

Adoption...How to get started

I meet a lot of people who tell me that they have considered adopting or that they've always wanted to adopt a child. But getting started on the journey is a wee bit intimidating, so many people (who would be wonderful adoptive parents) never take the plunge. I'm no expert on adoption, but I'm pretty passionate about it and I can at least offer a few pointers based on our experience...

Road Block #1: Domestic or International?
There is a huge need for loving homes both domestically and internationally, and they both have their pros & cons. In some ways, it's a matter of what grabs your heart more and what opportunity is knocking at your door. If your church has a ministry to foster children or crisis pregnancy centers and there's already a lot of information and opportunity for you there, then maybe you should follow that route. If your family is originally from another country and you have a heart for the orphans of that country, pursue it! If you went on an international trip and you just can't shake the faces of those people from your mind, maybe that's your answer. There is no right or wrong to this question.

Road Block #2: Deciding on an adoption agency
There are a TON of options when it comes to adoption agencies and it can be really overwhelming to know which one to go with. Every once in a while you'll hear a horror story of an agency that was doing something awful like embezzling money or kidnapping children to adopt, and it freaks everyone out. (Rightly so!) But, don't lose heart because there are some awesome agencies out there as well.

I recommend requesting an info packet from about 5 agencies and narrow it down from there. If you have friends who have adopted, ask about what agency they used and whether or not they would recommend them.

Our agency was America World Adoption. They are a Christian adoption agency based out of the Washington D.C. area and I would recommend them a thousand times over. We had a wonderful experience.

Road Block #3: It's so flippin' expensive!
Adoption can be very expensive, especially international adoption. Did you know (at least in California), you can adopt a child through the "Foster-Adopt" system and not have to pay for anything but the training? There are literally THOUSANDS of children (babies-18 year olds) in the foster system right now who need homes. Some of these kids are adoptable, some are trying to be reconnected with their own families, but they all need a home. THOUSANDS of kids in Santa Clara county alone are living in Group Homes where social workers rotate working shifts and provide for their basic needs like food, shelter and clothing. But these kids don't just need social workers to feed them, they need parents to love and nurture them.

Our total adoption expenses ended up being right around $34K. That's a lot of money. We thought it was going to be more like $20K (not sure how we got that number in our head) but we were surprised by how much everything cost when it was said and done. You know what else we were surprised by? How God provided for EVERY. SINGLE. DIME.

Did we have $34K in our savings account when we began that journey? Not even close. But we had some, and we knew God had called us to adopt, so we stepped out in faith.

A few ideas:

1. Design an adoption T-Shirt and sell it for any donation of $25 or more. If you have a blog, put a button on your sidebar to buy a t-shirt that way. Post it on Facebook. 
2. Host a garage sale and ask all your friends to contribute stuff (and help you the day of the sale).
3. Sell other stuff: reusable grocery bags, jewelry, magnets, art, etc...
4. Apply for adoption grants.
5. Write a letter to all of your friends and family asking them to help you bring your child home by making a financial contribution!
6. If someone throws a baby shower for you, ask them to put on the invitation "In lieu of gifts, the ________ family would greatly appreciate a donation to help offset adoption expenses." 

Another HUGE benefit is the Adoption Tax Refund which allows you to receive a refund of up to about $13K from the IRS for adoption related expenses.

One of the greatest regrets of my life...
Last year Andy was on a mission trip in Ethiopia with a group of men. One of the men was in his 60s and he said to Andy, "When my wife & I were younger, we thought about adopting a child, but time passed and we just never pursued it. Then it got to the point that we kinda missed our window. Not adopting a child is one of the greatest regrets of my life."

Don't miss your window. If God is prompting your heart toward adoption, don't miss it! Trust Him and obey.

HELP! My child won't sleep!

I'd like to introduce you to my new best friend...

Anyone who has followed this blog for very long knows that we have some "sleep issues" around the Wood household. We have had Sammy home now for nearly one year five months, and I could count the number of times he has slept through the night on two hands.

When Sammy first got home, he would have night terrors and be very scared throughout the night. That took about 3 months to get through, but he never caught on to sleeping all the way through the night. Once we moved him out of his pack-n-play in our room into sharing a room with his brother (at about 6 months home), the trend continued. Every night he would wander into our room and simply want one of us to walk him back to his room. This could happen anywhere from once to 4 times a night.

More recently, he's become quite the party animal in the middle of the night. No longer feeling the need to check in with mom & dad if he wakes up, he finds all kinds of things to do to keep himself entertained.

• We've found him sitting on the couch watching TV at least half a dozen times. We keep one of our remotes up high on a shelf so the kids don't touch/lose it. But Sammy would push a little table across our living room, climb up, step over to the entertainment center, and get the remote down! I came out recently (at 3 AM) and he had turned on our Apple TV, found Netflix, and found a VeggieTales to watch.  That's better than the time I found him watching a trailer for Good Will Hunting! We now take the remotes in our bedroom at night. 
• On another occasion, he destroyed one of our bathrooms. When we discovered the mess the next morning, there was a half inch of standing water on the floor, all of the beach towels had been pulled out and were sopping wet, 2 tubes of toothpaste had been eaten, and mouthwash was all over the place. 
• 3 times we've found him sleeping on the couch the next morning (once with Andy's laptop as his pillow)
• And let's just say that there has been more than one time that we have found him butt-naked 

We tried putting up a gate, but he learned how to knock it over. We've tried leaving a special stuffed animal and mini flashlight in the hallway for him to get in the middle of the night. Not interested. 

17 months, People! Do you realize how long that is? 

At some point you start to lose your mind and begin thinking of crazy ideas like just leaving and checking into a hotel or putting a small mattress inside of a dog kennel. Don't judge me... :-)

Last week, my dear friend (who also happens to be an incredible mom) introduced me to Melatonin. It is a chemical that your body naturally produces and can help with sleep issues. She had given it to her kiddos to help them adjust from jet lag and then gave me the rest of the bottle. 

I'm not a doctor or pharmacist, so don't hold me liable, but I could not keep this new found friend a secret!

I've given it to Sammy for 4 nights now: 

• 1st night: he didn't wake up until 6 AM
• 2nd night: made it to 6:15 AM
• 3rd night: 6:40 AM
• 4th night: 7:15 AM!!!!

Now, I don't plan on keeping Sammy on this indefinitely. But his little body is not accustomed to getting the good night sleep that he needs. So I am using this as a "system reboot" to help him form a habit of sleeping through the night, and then we'll wean him off. 

So, I am not trying to prescribe (or even recommend) this to anyone. I just realize that there may be some other sleep deprived parents out there who are about to lose their minds and they need another option. If that's you, talk to your doctor/pharmacist, do a little research, and maybe, just maybe, it will change your life! It is working gloriously over at the Wood household!

An Adoption Interview

November is Adoption Awareness Month and I did an interview on another blog to shed some light on our adoption. Click here to check it out.

A Masterpiece

Every night as I put the boys to bed I sing them this song. They both lay there in their bunk beds, sometimes singing along, sometimes being rowdy and not paying attention, sometimes half asleep.

Last night was particularly special as Caedmon was out with Andy so I put Sammy to sleep by himself. Instead of singing to him as he laid in bed, I held him in my arms...his head on my shoulder and arms and legs holding on like a monkey. I love to feel Sammy's love. And to feel him receive my love. It wasn't long ago (only a few months really) that he would squirm to get out of my arms if I ever tried to hold him this way. But now he melts in my arms and loves to be held. As I sang these words over him last night, I prayed that God would allow the meaning to penetrate deep into his soul and that he would know that he truly is a beautiful, priceless masterpiece.

Before you had a name
Or opened up your eyes

Or anyone could recognize your face,
You were being formed so delicate inside.
Secluded in God's safe and hidden place.

With your little tiny hands, and little tiny feet,
And little eyes that shimmer like a pearl.

He breathed in you His song,
and to make it all complete
He brought the masterpiece into the world.

You are a masterpiece.
A new creation He has formed
And you're as soft and fresh as a snowy winter morn.
And I'm so glad that God has given you to me.
Little lamb from God, you are a masterpiece. 

Happy Birthday, Sammy!

Dear Sammy,

We celebrated your 3rd birthday yesterday, not quite in the fashion that we had planned. Your brother ended up with a 103 fever so we had to call off the picnic to Alum Rock park that we had organized. But, true to form, you never complained. Your daddy sure did enjoy getting to spend the morning with you at Chuck-E-Cheese and Caedmon & I were happy to get to participate in the family birthday party we had around our kitchen table. You said in your precious little voice, "My bert-day. I like it." You are the happiest, most playful child I have ever known. 

As I think back over this past year, I am astounded by how much has changed since we celebrated your 2nd birthday. This time last year, you were so scared and unsure of your surroundings. You never wanted to be farther than a few feet from me or Daddy. Back then, you cried about as much as you laugh now, and you laughed about as much as you cry now. The tables have turned.

The timidity that held you captive has been replaced by confidence and boldness. No more peeling you off me like a monkey when it's time to go to BayKids on Sunday. Now you typically run ahead of me to get there and march in with a swagger like you own the place. Not a week goes by without one of the BayKids' volunteers telling me what a fun and adorable kid you are. It seems that you have captured more hearts than just mine.

Sammy, last year at this time I was in a world of mess with my emotions. I was sleep deprived, being followed everywhere by a screaming two year old, and pouring out my life for a child that I felt I didn't know but who, strangely, belonged to me. I was grieving my own set of losses as our family was catapulted from a relatively peaceful and well-adjusted family of 3 to a chaotic tailspinning family of 4. There were so many nights that I cried myself to sleep, wondering if I would ever feel like your mother...If I would ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. I knew in my mind that you were so precious to God and that you were handpicked for our family, but it felt like I was trying to love a stranger, a stranger that didn't like me very much most of the time.

I've now had over 14 months to get to know you and we are building a wealth of memories together. I now know that you have a big appetite at dinner but barely pick at your breakfast. I know having something to dip it in always makes food more enticing. I know that you have boundless energy, running and hopping your way through life. I know it makes you mad when I pick out your hair. And I know it takes much less discipline to break your tender heart than it does Caedmon's. It is hard to remember what life was like before you were in our family. Having you feels so natural now, and the thought of you not being in our family feels so horribly unnatural. You are my child. I feel it so deeply in my bones now.

It fills up my heart to overflowing when you lay on my chest with your arms and legs wrapped tightly around my body. Sometimes you'll lay like that 10 or 15 minutes and it causes your daddy and me think that you're making up for lost time.

It is a beautiful thing to watch love grow. What began as our dream to love you turned into our decision to love you, not just with words but with actions (even in the moments that feelings were hard to come by). And that decision, lived out day in and day out in faithfulness to God and to our commitment to you, has given room for the roots of love to go down deep, blossoming into a life-giving relationship. I hope that you never doubt how deeply you are loved. Loving you is not an obligation. It is not something I do because I signed some paperwork. I couldn't keep myself from loving you if I tried. You are a part of me.

Sammy, your courage and resiliance in overcoming hardship will take you places that few people are able to tarry. No one wants their life to be marked with pain and difficulties, and the fear that it will holds many back from living their most courageous life. I pray that one day you will look back at all the things you overcame the first 3 years of your life and it will inspire you to live boldly, knowing that God has given you strength and resilience to face the most challenging of circumstances. You are an overcomer.

Thank you for greeting me each morning with that mischievous grin and a few quick Tigger jumps. Thank you for confidently believing that everyone thinks you are as funny and as adorable as YOU believe yourself to be. Thank you for forgiving me and giving me me another chance to love you when I have not loved you as I should. Thank you for the laughter and playfulness that you bring to the mundane and monotony of life.

I am so, indescribably thankful for the gift of you. Happy 3rd Birthday, my precious Son. You are loved beyond words.

Gotcha Day Celebration

We celebrated our first "Gotcha Day" by dressing the boys up in traditional Ethiopian dress, going to dinner at Zeni Ethiopian Restaurant and then enjoying a little Yogurtland. Here are some pics of our family night together. (There's a lot of pictures, but I just couldn't help myself!)

Caedmon asked before we got to the restaurant if he could order whatever kids' meal he wanted. I said, "This isn't the kind of restaurant that has kids' meals." He replied, "Well, I will order Ethiopian mac & cheese if they have it!" Ummm, they didn't. :-)

I was shocked that Caedmon actually ate the food. I had applesauce and goldfish in my purse as a back up plan, but he ate a pretty good dinner. I think we had been building up the experience for so long that he didn't want to get left out. It also helped that you eat everything with bread (called injera). The bread is kind of sour and spongy, but he ate it up. Sammy, on the other hand! That kid was an eating machine! We had to finally stop him because he was gorging himself. We hadn't seen him eat like that since he got over all his food issues from his orphanage days. Wish you could have seen him! He was in heaven...spicy food and all!

 

Two brothers, ready to hop in their bunk bed and head to sleep.

It's Gotcha Day!

One year ago today,

they placed you in my arms forever.

No more waiting. No more goodbyes. You were my longing fulfilled.

I thought my heart might burst with joy!

We have been through so much together over this past year. We've been busy making memories of "us". We had some lost time to make up for, you know. 

You saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time while I held you in my arms. You went sledding with your Daddy in Michigan. You have ridden amusement park rides, built sand castles at Myrtle Beach, and played at countless playgrounds. You helped cut down our Christmas tree. You discovered that there are goodies inside of Easter eggs. And you have learned (I think) that dogs passing you on the sidewalk will not eat you.

We watched in agony as you retreated into a dark, lonely place while you grieved and adjusted to your new life in our family. We have rejoiced as your personality began to peek out again, testing the waters, and then finally bursting through to bless the world. 

You have learned a million things this year. English. That's a pretty big one. How to ride a tricycle. How to escape from a Pack-N-Play. But the most important thing you have learned is: we're not going anywhere. This is your home. You are safe here. With us. We are your family and families stick together. While your life may seem to have gotten off to a rocky start, God worked all that together to bring about His plan of having you in the Wood family. He has a special plan for YOUR life.

Samuel Wondimu Wood, you are exactly where you are supposed to be! Today, we remember and celebrate that you made our family more complete, more fun, more joyful, and more rich simply by being placed in my arms forever, this time last year.

I'm so thankful that we "Gotcha". We love you to pieces.