Sunshine

Wish that I… 

...had a box that could keep every time, 

a remote to rewind back to every sweet moment we've shared,

 because time will fade memories.

 Oh you shimmer, you glimmer, you shine. 

Every breath that you take matches mine.

 When you smile all the world come to life

and, my Love, i would give you mine.

Click here to watch a 3 1/2 minute video that I will forever cherish.

(Photos by my talented friend, Nikki. Check her out here.)

A Hot Mess

I was a hot mess last Saturday.

I was not supposed to be. All the attention was supposed to be directed at my friend whose birthday we were celebrating. But I guess we don't typically get to choose the timing of our messes.

It all started when we met at my friend's house to drive together. I was going to drive because Karis came along as an honorary member of our girls' breakfast. Everyone arrived, we piled in my luxurious minivan, and then...the sliding door got stuck. Would. Not. Budge.

I called my friend's husband to come outside to look at it, sure that he'd be able to glance at it and immediately see some silly mistake that I was overlooking. THIRTY MINUTES LATER we still sat in that driveway! We googled our problem. We figured out how to check the fuses. We got on the phone with Honda. Finally, I told my friends to head on without me. Andy was on his way and we'd just drive the van to the mechanic (with the door open, mind you). As my friends began to unload and Andy pulled up with my boys (still in their PJs), my friend's husband found a small broken cable and figured out how to shut the door. Long sigh. We piled back in the van and headed to breakfast.

I was a little rattled at this point. I don't really like being the center of attention, ESPECIALLY when someone else is supposed to be. And I absolutely hate it when people are inconvenienced because of me. But, alas, these were some of my best friends, I reasoned, and they were not upset.

When we got to the (very crowded) restaurant, a table for 6 became available. There were 4 of us plus a stroller, so that's where we were seated. However, as we approached the table I realized the awkward seating arrangement would be me and the stroller on one side and my 3 friends scrunched shoulder-to-shoulder on the other. And then one of my friends wanted to hold Karis for a bit so there was a 4 to 1 ratio going on. This was not helping the feeling that all eyes were on me.

Towards the end of breakfast, Karis was lying across my lap. I bent down to pick up her passy that she dropped and when I did I accidentally smashed her sweet head into the edge of the table. It left a red, indented line across that perfect little scalp. She (understandably) started screaming and I swooped her up in my arms and fled out the back door of the restaurant. As we stood outside, I kissed her over and over and told her how sorry I was...and maybe I shed a tear or two myself.

Finally we got ourselves back together and returned to the party. My friend, who knows what I'm thinking in almost every situation, knew I was trying really hard to hold it together. So she told me a great story about the time she dropped her baby's car seat with her baby strapped inside and the carseat flipped over. And then, even though her baby was completely fine, she still reported herself to her pediatrician out of sheer guilt! Ahhh, I am not alone unintentionally victimizing my child. Thank you for the validation.

But no sooner had her story began to calm my nerves then Karis had a blowout poop that soaked through her clothes and onto mine. (I am not making this up, People.) Seeing that this restaurant did not have a changing table we decided we'd better just call it a day. We fumbled back to my not-so-luxerious minivan that now doubled as a changing station so that I could strip Karis down completely naked, give her a wipes-bath, and re-clothe her, all while the birthday girl and my two friends looked on. I even had to take back the gift bag that I had just given my friend which was holding her birthday present so that I could use it to transport Karis' dirty diaper. Talk about tacky!

I know people who also carry a change of clothes for themselves in their diaper bags. Now I understand why...Because it's a little uncool to walk around with mustard colored poop smeared down your white blouse.

Not one of my finer moments...

Two Gifts

The darkest pain lays a backdrop for God’s blessings to shine most brightly. Maybe that's because when darkness closes in, our eyes strain to see anything that resembles light. I’ve seen this working itself out in my own life recently. 

My two biological children are just over 7 years apart. According to the calendar I had set in my head, the age gap should have been more like 18 months. It seems like neatly aligned bookends now, but the middle ground was anything but tidy. My heart was a mess many-a-days. The pain of infertility and miscarriage (which I wrote about here, here, here and here) was suffocating.

When you're suffering people will tell you "God's going to work this all together for your good," and "He makes all things beautiful in His time." I've even said those words myself. But when you're sitting in ashes, you can't see beauty. 

However, I've had time to take a shower since then and, though I may still have a few ashes clinging to me, I'm beginning to see some beauty popping up. Two gifts in particular.

Gift #1:

Sammy. 

Our infertility was the motivating force that urged us to begin our adoption when we did. The timing otherwise didn't make a lot of sense. We were less than one year into starting South Bay Church and had, perhaps, one or two minor lose ends hanging around (read: our lives were crazy). If we had been able to conceive naturally, I'm almost positive that we would have waited several more years before pursuing adoption. And in the process, we would have missed our Sammy...a possibility that seems more than I can bear. 

The sweetness of his smiles, the sound of his belly laugh, the shy way he snuggles close, the dance moves he'll perform (until I grab my camera), his deep love for sausage and tomatoes... We could have missed it. But, by the grace of God we didn't. Sammy is our gift. 

Gift #2:

Every single part of mothering Karis is a gift to me. I don't think I would have felt so strongly about that if the journey to her wasn't so winding. I remember being mesmerized and enthralled with Caedmon when he was born, but I also remember getting frustrated over sleep issues and feeling desperate for a little time to myself. 

With Karis, it's different. We've got our share of sleep issues (probably even more than we did with Caedmon) and I have even less time to myself these days now that I am the mother to 3 children. But somehow, every temptation to sigh is linked to my constant awareness of what a gift she is. (Please don't read this as a confession that I love Karis more than my other kids...it is more a confession that I had no idea how to fully appreciate each moment with them.) 

I delight in breastfeeding that baby (even if it means that I don't get to go to Catalyst this year and my "getaway" with Andy in May will include a diaper bag). It is no burden to me when I have to excuse myself from a meeting or a dinner early because she needs my attention. Her smile is pure sunshine to me and I would pay a lot of money if someone could figure out how to bottle the smell of her head. 

We receive gifts with deeper gratitude when we know the pain of going without it. 

What gifts do you need to thank God for today?

4 Months

Four months later and we're still in the honeymoon phase.

She is all smiles now. She recently "found her voice" and loves to sing me songs from her swing while I cook dinner or tell me stories while I change her diaper.

I'm sure a day will come when she will make me mad or I will hurt her precious feelings, but for the life of me I can't imagine it. To me, at least for now, she can do no wrong.

I have to force myself to put her to sleep most nights because it feels so good to have her in my arms. The worst part of getting strep throat was not being able to kiss that sweet face a thousand times a day. Any time something trying happens (like screaming during dinner or waking up 5 times in one night), I think to myself, "She's finally here. And she is so worth it."

Princess Karis, you are unending joy to me.

A Prayer for the Princess

Our family shared a really special moment a couple weeks ago as we formally dedicated Karis back to God. 

At South Bay Church, we celebrate Child Dedication as an opportunity for parents, extended family, and close friends to publicly commit themselves to raising their child in a way that honors God. By no means will perfection be attained, but we vow to live our own lives according to the life-giving model of Scripture and to train our children to do likewise. 

As part of the dedication, each family had a chance to share around the table a special prayer for their child. Many of the parents had written something down to read to their child so that, in years to come, they can show their child the prayer.

I wrote Karis a poem that I wanted to share with you (see below). It will be framed and hang in her room so that we can pray it over her often as she grows.

We had the great joy of having Andy's mom, Marcy, and brother, Jon, with us to celebrate this special evening.

Karis was clearly quite excited about all of this!

Mi corazón.

Dear Daughter of Mine, 

You are the answer to a thousand prayers,

The fulfillment of desire so deep.

My heart dances with joy to watch your face

As you lie in my arms fast asleep.

You’ve done nothing to earn my affection

No mold to which you must conform

This rapturous love bursting out of my heart

Is yours simply because you were born.

You came wrapped in grace and tied up with joy

But you are more than a gift just for me.

You’ll bring grace and joy to the world God loves.

You were born with a sure destiny.

May you be a lover of Jesus

Following hard after the King.

In Him may you find everything that you need.

This world offers no greater thing.

I pray that you love without limits

Seeing others the way Jesus sees

With compassion and grace, believing the best

People are His priority.

I pray that your life sets the standard

Pure of mind and body and heart.

In this crooked and depraved generation

May your purity set up apart.

                

                                                           

 May you be a woman of courage

Not buying in to the Enemy’s lies.

Dare to dream and think big and believe that He can

Your God has an endless supply.

The calling you have will take work to fulfill.

You’ll be tempted to settle for less.

But I pray that you are never content

With anything but God’s very best.

Keep yourself yielded to the Holy Spirit.

May your life overflow with His fruit

His power and anointing will rest on you

As He guides your every pursuit.

May you be secure in who you are.

You’re designed by the Master’s hand.

Uniquely crafted and sealed with His love

As apart of his Sovereign plan.

We will watch with anticipation

Of all God will do with your life

Your Daddy and I are cheering you on

And praying with all our might.

So today, before our family and friends,

We dedicate you back to the Lord.

May Jesus always capture your heart

For He is your great reward.

His love never fails

This morning, Karis and I watched the South Bay Church service online. Well, actually, I watched it while she slept on my lap!

When Archie began singing the song, "His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me," it struck some tender place in my heart and I was trying to figure out why. Then it dawned on me...

It was this Sunday one year ago that I was in the middle of our miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong and had been to my midwife two times the previous week. Both times we saw the heart beating, but I still felt uneasy. That Sunday I found myself caught between hope and despair. Hoping against hope that my intuition was wrong. But the next day my fears were confirmed as the heartbeat was gone.

The song Archie sang this morning was one we sang regularly this time last year...and it haunted me.

"In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love."

Except, I didn't feel very confident and what I was suffering through didn't feel very loving. 

For months I battled these thoughts in my mind. Every day. All day long. It was hard for me not to equate my circumstances with God's love (or lack of love) for me. I found myself thinking things like, "You could have prevented this. So whether You caused it or simply allowed it, You did this. And I just can't understand why."

Some time during those dark months I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley. He taught about the time John the Baptist was in prison about to lose his life and it seems that his faith was shaken. John sent friends to talk with Jesus in order to relieve some of the doubts he was having. Jesus reassured John's faith and even said that there was no one greater than John the Baptist. There is no doubt that Jesus loved this cousin of His. But He left him there. In his suffering, facing death. And He said, "Blessed is he who doesn't fall away on account of me."

In other words, "I'm going to do things that don't make any sense to you. There may be times that it seems like I've left you high and dry. But you will be BLESSED if you keep believing and trusting Me even in the darkness."

Jesus proved His love for me on the Cross. No circumstance in my life can ever change that. No matter how much pain I'm in or how confusing His ways may seem, His love is consistent. 

This morning as I listened to the words of that song with Karis in my arms and tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much has changed over the course of one year. From perhaps the darkest days of my life to the most joy-filled. My circumstances have been all over the map, but this one thing remains:

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."

My Joy Has Arrived

8 lbs 15 oz of pure perfection joined the world on Saturday morning at 9:01 AM. 

Our long awaited Karis Joy was welcomed into the thankful arms of her mommy and daddy after 15 hours of labor. This week has been a dream for me. I cannot stop staring at her. I can hardly force myself to set her down. I keep singing to her that David Crowder song that says, "You are my joy, you are my joy" over and over again. She is my gift of grace from God and it has filled my heart with JOY!

I knew from the time I woke up on Friday morning that I would probably give birth within the next 24 hours or so. I wasn't in active labor, but I could tell things were happening. I had already planned on going to breakfast with some very special friends, so I just set about my day with a little giddy excitement in my waddling steps.

Andy and I had planned on going on a date that night. We had already arranged for a babysitter to come and I decided that I didn't want to cancel. Contractions were getting more regular, but I knew this would be our last date for a while and labor could take hours. So we still went out and enjoyed our time. It was quite surreal timing contractions (about 7 minutes apart) and working out childcare details while we ate our dinner.

We came home a little early from our date so Andy could take the boys over to our friends' house. I'm a little neurotic about coming home to a clean house, so I put a few dishes in the dishwasher and straightened things up in between contractions (now about 5 minutes apart). Andy got home, laughed at me, and said "Go get in bed!" I obeyed, but you can tell by the picture below that I was still in early labor. I shot out a few texts to family and friends and posted a couple comments on social media.  

When my contractions were averaging about 4 minutes apart, I text my good friend Stacy. I had invited Stacy to be apart of our birth as she was going to take some video footage of our labor. The picture below cracks me up because it really sums up how I think she was feeling on the inside! She is young, single, never had children, and not very medically inclined. She was honored to be there and said it meant the world to her, but it definitely got her out of her comfort zone! (Btw, she never made this face in front of me. My friend, Kendall, snapped this photo when I wasn't around.)

My labor, which ramped up slowly over the course of the day, progressed slowly the whole time. I got really discouraged by this because my labor with Caedmon was 9 hours and I knew that Caedmon was bigger than what Karis would be. So in my mind, with it being a 2nd birth, 9 hours was the absolute longest my labor would last. Not so. 

We asked our doula to come around midnight when my contractions had been 3-4 minutes apart for a couple hours. I thought for sure that as soon as she got there, she'd say, "Oh, we should head to the hospital soon." Nope. She said, "I think we've still got a good bit of time." :-( What?! I'd been in active labor for over 6 hours. Surely the baby would be born within the next 3 hours. She must be wrong, right? Unfortunately, no.

We got to the hospital at 5am. I still had 4 more hours of work before I held my baby in my arms.

And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for. Karis Joy was here.

When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she brought a new baby into the world.  John 16:21

That's the look of pure relief on my face.

The picture below is of my amazing doula, Tara, and my midwife, Lin, who literally saved my life. About 10 minutes after Karis was born, I started bleeding really heavily. Lin switched gears and, in an instant, the room went from a joyful celebration to an intense medical scene. 

For 5-10 minutes, Lin barked out orders, administered 3 different types of meds to me, and did all kinds of painful things to my body. Andy and others around me began to pray out loud and Tara looked at me and said, "Stay alert. Don't close your eyes." It was a pretty scary few minutes until they were able to get the bleeding under control. I don't think Andy's ever been more thankful for modern medicine than he was in that moment.

The drugs that they had to give me left me feeling pretty crummy for at least an hour afterwards. You can see by the look on my face below how out of it I felt.

This was my first good look at her face. Love at first sight.

My support team, cheering me on and celebrating with me.

That evening my friend, Lina, brought our boys up to the hospital to meet their baby sister. You can see how special it was for them.

First photo as a family of five.

I think Karis' birth was especially significant to Sammy. He is a very nurturing child and plays so well with younger children. Moving from the "little brother" role to the "big brother" role made him so happy. He loves to hold her.

Karis is so thoughtful that she planned ahead and had a couple gifts to give her brothers when they met her for the first time. She gave them each a Big Brother t-shirt and the game Blokus to share.

Andy and I got ready to head home about lunch time the next day. Even though the nurses treated us like royalty while we were there, I'm not one for hanging out in hospitals unless I have to.

Karis,

You could never understand what holding you in my arms means to me. As I type with one hand and cradle you with the other, my heart overflows. So many prayers. So many tears. So much waiting and hoping that one day we would have you. And now you're here.

"Thankful" does not even scratch the surface of how I feel. 

And her name will be...

Names have always held a lot of significance for Andy & me. When we discovered that our firstborn would be a boy, we immediately began thinking through all sorts of name options. It’s a daunting task-- selecting a name. You feel the weight of labeling another human being for the rest of their lives. Plus, you don’t want your kid to be the one all the other kids make fun of at school because their name rhymes with something horrible! Talk about pressure!

As we prayed for our unborn son, we prayed that God would use him mightily in His Kingdom. We wanted a name that reflected that prayer, so we decided on the name Caedmon (wise warrior) Elliott (near to God). A wise warrior who is near to God is a powerful weapon in the hands of the King!

After over 3 years of infertility, God blessed our home with a beautiful little boy for whom we had prayed a thousand prayers. I deeply resonated with Hannah, in the Bible, who wept and prayed that God would bless her with a child. I also, like Hannah, was committed to dedicate this child wholeheartedly to the Lord. That is why “Samuel” felt like the perfect name for him. After all, Samuel’s mom and I had a lot in common.

Little did we know at the time how deeply significant the meaning of his name would be. Our Samuel (meaning ‘God has heard my prayer’) was given the birth name “Wondimu”, which we kept as his middle name. We thought it was ironic, however, that Wondimu means “brother” and at the time of his birth, Sammy was an only child. How divinely beautiful is it that Samuel Wondimu’s name means, “God has heard my prayer for a brother”! God hears the longings of an orphan’s heart long before he is able to express them.

The journey to the birth of our 3rd child has taken us on dark, winding roads that often left us feeling lost and confused. We knew God had a plan for us, that He loves us completely, and that He is perfectly in control. But the aching in our soul was deep. After  6 years of infertility and losing a baby last November, Andy & I know full-well what a gift a child is. Life is so precious and never to be taken for granted. This baby girl that I now carry is a gift of grace from a merciful God. 

That is why we have selected the name Karis (meaning ‘grace’) Joy for our daughter. God’s grace to us has brought us joy. Indescribably joy. Joy with such anticipation that the sight of her name can bring tears to my eyes. 

She is our gift. Our long awaited gift of joy. 

My sister monogrammed all these beautiful things for Karis!