You know, it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this.

3am, you're fast asleep in your cozy bed. Here I am, thinking of all the things you said and done & crying myself silly until I feel better, until I fall asleep. The whole episode since a month ago 'til now, it left me empty, disappointed & upset. This fight is not over. I wish it'd be over soon or right now because I'm exhausted. I'm tired of feeling tired.

What happened?
What happened to us?
What is it that changed?
What was it that I did that ruined the happiness?

I wished I was loved by someone the way I love you. I wanna know how it feels like, how fortunate or painful it is to be with me. Is it so fortunate that you forgot I'm human? Is it so painful that it snaps easily, the sound of my name made you think if it is worth to stay?

I've fought, I've tried, I've cried, I've done almost everything I could ever think of to show you I am worth it. I am much worthy than those trashy girls you told me about, than that girl sitting in fifth row in class that you told me is pretty.

Been wanting to cry so bad & when the song Need You Now by Lady Antebellum played, tears started running like a tap.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk, and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.


I dare not think about the years. I just want to be happy in 5 days.

A subatomic blip in the temporal fabric of creation

A quick update!
I know I haven't been updating but check out my Twitter! Or follow me on Twitter (which is a much better choice, of course)!

Been spending very very little time with bee & it's making me feel so bad. I really wanna make time for her but :( sigh.. I hope work is not what that caused the distance between us. Can't wait to spend more time with you after school resumes. I love you baby :)


Work has been really good though very very tiring. Weekly I get $xxx, & monthly I'd probably get $xxxx!!! When it's pay day, we all look forward to it. But definitely, some of the money would go right back to Cy 'cos we work/shop at the same place hahahaha. Last week I got myself a wallet (finally paid for it) & bee came over, she bought a shirt! Hooray~ Supper nights with Cy, Hanice, Angela, Laura, Wen, Bff & myself. Nights where we work 'til dawn for the grand opening. Cleaning up the new office. Pick up new stocks, stock take, pack stocks 'til late. Shanelle & her club fights. Laura & her purchases hahahaha. Angela & her dirty thoughts. The one particular someone we all know we dislike the most. The new photo wall that would be up in the office/shops soon (!!!!) damn excited we can put up our beautiful faces heh heh!

Work has never brought this much amount of laughter, smiles & fatigue in my entire life. Oh, & not forgetting stress!! I treat this shop like my own, just so that I do my best & aim for the highest.


Here comes the rant.

Potluck picnic for my advance birthday celebration - which will be happening tomorrow - is a complete disappointment. The whole point of asking people to RSVP by Friday is just so that we have time to prepare enough drinks for everyone. Seems like everyone missed the point. They only start replying on late Friday or Saturday. Never mind that. Guess what? My closest friends are the ones not coming & the ones who didn't replied. (Y) Ftw "friends". I'm 75% sure it is because of your boyfriend, no? Prove me wrong. And no, I'm not pointing fingers at anyone at all. If you think it is you, so be it.

I'm so mad at myself. I should be the one organizing it instead of leaving it to you both. I should've known this plan wouldn't work out. I should've known no one will be attending at all. Why the fuck did I even thought of planning anything? I should've just spend a nice day out with bee to "celebrate". Fuck this, seriously. Like what bee said, if those who made an effort to come, good for the two of us; those who made an effort to apologise & explain why & would make it up (if it happens that is), good for me; those who did not, an eye for an eye.

I shouldn't get so affected, should I? Yeh totally.


This is one of my current earworms :)


Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you?
Been here all along, so why can't you see?
You belong with me

don't wanna fight no more

< rant >

I can't fight anymore. Limit is here, at the brim and I cannot go on anymore. No more one last try, let's try again - No. What point there is when I give in my all for this love and you barely gave..nothing? Not even two fucks. You care more about whether I did insult your best friend, or if there is anything else that you can protect, shield or side your best friend for. One more try for you to continue admiring your best friend in front of your failed girlfriend & smile & giggle whenever she is spoken of in our conversations or one more try for you to redeem yourself & make this good again?

So, what now? Best friend triumphs over your bloody girlfriend of coming 2 fucking years in exactly 16 days' time? What a right time all these came, my dear. Just when I thought I was in pure bliss, nothing I can ask for other than more time to spend with you and better days ahead. When you asked, I still thought it was ok 'cos things were going well, just exactly how I want it to be. I wished things would stay as they were but remember, they say good things don't last but bad ones last longer just so you would treasure the better ones when it comes. Good things, they don't last. Here comes the Huge problem with a capital H in bold.

Bravo. Well done. Good job! Fantastic. Excellent. So fabulous. What else can I say?

I will stop all that loving. Maybe one day when you love someone so much, you are willing to do everything for them, there is nothing that you wouldn't do for them and that someone turns their back on you, treats you less than how you oughta be treated then you'll know how hurt and painful this is. I'm not crying, not tearing either. I have made my mind that you will go one level down and more to go. And "until you love someone else?", I just pretended like I don't know what you are talking about but I totally got you. That is what you think. Just tell me how much you treasure this, or even me.

Oh wait, were you looking for a flight of stairs? Sorry, I didn't find a place big enough to build that stairs so you can get off the stage. You and everything you said to hurt, to prick & to irritate me will always be remembered.

I should be off to bed to dream of how to get more money for the supp paper for the upcoming/forth/last paper. Sigh, you win already lor, you can giggle and smile all you want.


Should I just put it simply that you were never in Team G? Fancy siding someone on the outside and not someone who is in the circle. (Y) Well done!

I'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

Because I wanted to check something and also to check when was the last time I did my hair before the trip with bff last week or the week before, I read hhheartbreakhotel and theklassiquecrime a little.

hhheartbreakhotel was so much happier but theklassiquecrime was so sad. Everything was sad, talking about smashed hearts and broken dreams, people who came, left without turning back to look at all and threw their rear-view mirrors away. I could sense the sadness seeing the layout again.


But bottom line is, am I really happy now? Is this what I really wanted?



but anyway p/s: thanks bb for today, luv you so much <3
p/p/s: happy birthday ^.^ whether you know this is for you or not, whatever I don't care. I hope you are as happy as you are pretending to be.

That's a shame that love can't make you stay

I'm so damn pissed off. I bought a striped vest for bb through a pre-order which means I've to make payment and wait for about 2-3 weeks before the item gets to me. I made payment, told the girl the transaction reference for her to check if the payment is in and all. After waiting in vain for about two weeks, I emailed her to ask about the status of the vest. GUESS WHAT? SHE DIDN'T TAKE IN MY ORDER, DIDN'T BOTHER TO EMAIL TO ASK AT ALL. Some kind of responsible seller she is huh. Okay, I would say partly it was my bad for not reading her email thoroughly before I make conclusion that I need not reply her email at all. In her email she said she needed my details which I have already given her but she needed my address which I completely missed out. But when I didn't reply her, she should have the responsibility to email me and ask, no? This is fucking fucked up. And now she said order is closed, items arrived, all mailed out and she have to refund me.

I'm not upset because she's irresponsible (duh?) but upset because i waited for something i really like in vain for weeks!

I swear, I already have bad impressions of her because 1) she is very unfriendly, 2) she is rude, 3) this incident - no responsibility. I'm not revealing what's the name of the shop or the url but if you ask me, I might tell you.


x TVRP exam guidelines
x Shimmy came for class!!!!!! (L)
x waiting for bus = HOT SUN HUMID HEAT DIE
x went Vivo City for lunch + a lil' shopping after class
x Long John Silver for lunch
x unproductive shopping but Jems bought a  F21 neon pink 'I ♥ my boyfriend' tunic
x took train home, met bff, bought food up to my place
x watched telly, played Pet Society, watched Ellen :D
x bff left before dinner, I went to rest/talk to bb

NO VISUALS, BOOHOO :(

I've been looking for a new phone. This Nokia 6500S has been with me for a year now but it is such a pain in the ass! Memory card cannot function, hangs once in every while, battery life: 2 days if I don't text/call often, dropped it a lot of times, music player sucks. I want a new phone with WIFI hehe can go on MSN anytime anywhere :D

I got my eye on a few...

 

Samsung F480

  

Nokia E75

  

Nokia E63

I don't know if I should get a QWERTY keypad one or a touchscreen one. There's both good and bad reviews for both. I don't mind either one, as long as they have the functions I want in a phone! But because I want something different, not something that one of my family members already have. Che is using Samsung F480 now. Mom's gonna get Nokia 5800 XpressMusic. So I think I will take Nokia E75! Hehe plus it is available in red, black and copper yellow! RED! RED!! RED!!!

I'm feeling the ache... :( everywhere. Mom said it is caused by insufficient rest/sleep. I'm going to sleep early tonight, my eyes are still very painful but not as bad as yesterday. THANK GOD MR LIM CANCELLED TOMORROW'S CLASS! Time for me to sleep in until it's time for me to get up :) meeting bb tomorrow going over to her place for lunch and dinner after that ^^ yay finally some time with bb. Even though I see her everyday but we don't talk much, neither do we get to spend much time together. It's been two weeks since I last spent some alone time with her. Time really flies man..

OH one more thing before I go, I JOINED PLURK.COM! I was asked to join by Zoe but I didn't get down to do it. Today I finally did! It's so cute, there's some kinda karma points system and cute emoticon! So if you have plurk / twitter, follow me (that's what they are called) on Plurk or Twitter!

 

The wonders of Adobe Photoshop
(Credit: Complex.com)

I hate you, Sundays

i hate when monday comes around because that means i have to step out of my comfort zone and join the real world again for five days

but one thing I'm really glad about? I have the best of both worlds all over again. Girlfriend + friends (which includes my very much loved bff <3) :)
tutorial all week this week =would be HELL but never mind. After that comes study week and then exam week which means notes writing starts with hell lot intake of caffeine & snacks & late nights. Once exams are over, ALL HELL BREAK LOOSE I'M DONE WITH FUCKING SCHOOL but not done with mdis omg fml

goodnight for now guys, wearing headband all day is making my head so painful.........

Don't follow your heart 'cause it just seems to get in your way

Tough night #2
with an essay of 1.5k words to write -- about done


You're too blinded by her to see that it is unfair for me, that I am upset too, that I am here hurting as well. Too blinded to see that I am crying.

To think you took this as a fucking joke.
Funny joke. (Y)

Give me, just one part of you to cling to

Leaving you alone to let your thoughts run wild
And me here, attempting to write in the hopes to make you feel better.

I know by telling you that I am here with you, ready to walk this through with you anytime whenever you are ready, it is not helping. Not at all. From what I can tell, it makes you feel worse. Asked to be left alone, and I did.

These issues that you are worried about, they would never go away until things make a turn and be better. I cannot say that it will not happen overnight because certain things would just change when you least expect them to. I know it is tough, we all would take some time to get used to this. We may not be as carefree as before but there is one feeling fo' sure that wouldn't change. My happiness. With you, anywhere, any occasion, under any kind of circumstances, I will be happy. Bread and rice wine, dirty used flip-flops, chips and rented movie and couch potato, cheap sales and discounts, coffee shops and food court, a not-so-luxurious life - all of these, with you, I will still be very, very happy. Because it is with you, the one that I am in love with, the one that I hope is as much in love with me too.

Deep down inside of me I know how tough this is and I totally understand all that we're about to go through but baby, I may whine once in a while, I may also complain. When I do, have a little patience with me. Lend me your ears, be a good listener. I do so not to irritate you further or pressurize you more, please understand. Because there is no one else who would be more willing than you are to listen to my woes. There is also no one else that I would want to have them listening to me, pouring my worried sick heart out to them, knowing they not only do not understand, they also can't do anything to help me at all.

But most importantly, darling, I am not scared. In fact, I am ready. I am more than willing to go through this with you anytime. The only thing that brings fear is you giving up. You are slowly giving up even before we've started this. Don't, please.. I need you to be strong enough to go on..for me. Will you, please?


Believe me baby, things will be just fine.
I have you and more importantly, you have me for all times.

I love you Jvern, wholeheartedly.
Please remember that..

P/s: And it is not okay to say that you are okay when you are completely not. Don't do that to me. It kills me even more.
P/p/s: School was fun, having bff over was better :) mom really likes her, I can tell. goodnight all!

If only I could go back to losing sleep with you, instead of losing sleep over you

wtf @ me waking up at 7am in the morning only to realise that class starts at 12.15pm today. I couldn't get any sleep, my neck and back is aching quite bad so I end up having a good breakfast and came here. Grey's, update, blog-hop, twitter

Waking up early is good, I guess. Tonight I will be so damn tired I will sleep early. Or I will pop a pill at 10pm and head to bed. This week's gonna be a good week! Tomorrow bff will be coming over. I will probably do project work while she bitch whine gossip to me. Wensday I've got class with bff which means thrift shopping or my place. Thursday will be a 20-minute long consultation regarding the project with Mr Yeo at 10.50pm. Friday is all for my girlfriend, so is Saturday. No plans for Sunday yet but family, definitely.

I foresee this week to be a good week! Picnic this weekend, love? ^^


Loneliness or solitude?

Time favors no one & if we wait, we too can fall in love a second too late

Let go of the parts of life you honestly don't want.

You.
You are the one part of my life that I do not want. Take away whatever you've taught me, whatever you've given me, whatever you've showered me with. Take them with you, for the rest of your life. I do not want them anymore.

I wish I didn't care so much about you. I wish I didn't want the best for you even though there's so many reasons I should hate you for. I wish it isn't that hard to talk to you or for you to talk to me.

.

You call yourself my friends, who would be there, who truly cared, who said I had your backs, who said you would always be on my side no matter what, who said I deserved better friends than those I met before. I thought you guys were really different. The kind that I can keep for a long time. The kind that 10, 20 years from now we'll get together, revive the moments we had together and be very thankful for each and everyone of us. All that "Remember when we first met?" talk and the "Remember when we said we were never gonna date a true blue ah beng?"

But I was wrong. I am wrong. Again. And again. And once more.

Why the hell did I even allow you to build hopes in me? And when they are all false hope, who am I to blame but me?

Since the last time I called you and really needed you to be there, that was then when I know that you weren't true. Those words are just words. Empty, and meaningless. Only said because you felt like it. It was then when I decided that I shouldn't treat you like how I want to be treated because it doesn't pay to be nice.

"I cannot imagine if you are alone leh. I really cannot. I feel like you are trying to be very strong lor. If I were you, I will cry la."

Her words kept ringing through my mind all the time since the moment we parted. I am strong but I don't think I am strong enough to face all of these today, not all in one fucking day. I'm so tired. So sick of losing important people. No matter how much I convinced myself into letting them go & keep going 'I really don't care about them yknow, seriously I'm not even sad!', at the back of mind when you are in trouble, or you are not found at where you are supposed to, I panic. I get worried. I start making endless calls only to find out that you are with someone and got distracted or you were in deep slumber. Even knowing that, I am still glad you are safe and sound. When you fall, I will catch you. Even if when I do, I get a sprain in my ankle, I still think it is worth it as long as you are safe and sound and happy. Why do I care so much for people who don't even care about me?

Crying is okay here but I swear I do not want to. Not for you guys again. That is the last thing I wanna do.

.

On a much lighter note, school was quite okay and we had a short but wonderful afternoon together. Window shopping = candy to the eye = sour plums to the heart. Why do I always spot on expensive things!! :(

Tomorrow we're gonna do some shopping. Yes shopping with bags and the happy-because-I-bought-something-today feeling to bring home with! We're gonna (finally) watch movie as well. I am so indecisive about which movie to watch :( Too many movies that I wanna watch to choose from. Oh and I must do some accessories shopping at Diva heh heh. Just look around, I promised myself I won't spend too much tomorrow.

Thank you for the lunch, the constant pinching and bullying and tickling and chuckling and laughing (beams), the want to buy everything for me to make me happy thought (still thinking of the Topshop high waist shorts, Topshop preppy polo tee, River Island patent/canvas shoes, Ralph Lauren tote bag, Agnes B card holder and wallet), and TCC for Lychee Jazz craving baby :) You're none other but the best!

My head needs to quit thinking, it is quite irritating. Reminds me of Jacob, being able to hear the whole wolves pack's thoughts. I'm as good as him right now. I'm gonna go rest, while I wait for baby to call me ^^

AND you can ask me if I am okay but not ask me what happened or if I care to share with you about it. I will if only I want to and willing to tell you this long grandmother story of mine. Thank you very much :)

P/s: sanks bff, and i hate you! (hate is the new love) OK BYE! See you online on Sunday night peach hey you no miss me alright just call my re xian 1800-CALL-G-BFF :)

I believe it's you who could make it better

I always like to end the day on a good note. Even if we argue or quarrel, even if we have to face the harsh truth, I want to talk about it because I don't wanna have to bring all the worries and fears to another new day, thus the phone call. I don't want to have another talk like how we did yesterday. Not the topic, not the tone, not the reason, not the silent fight we keep fighting within ourselves.

I love you, and you know that. You know that better than everyone else in the world. You love me, you reassured me again last night & I felt at ease.

"I..I love you. That's why I chose you."

If I had to choose, I would only choose you. It is either you or no one else. Us coming back together, to me it is a sign that we're meant to be. We're made for each other. We shouldn't let someone else, a third party to ruin this, right?

"No matter what..no matter what happens, I will always be here."

Smiled as the tears rolled down my rosy hot cheeks, the heat from the phone was on my face. That's just what I needed to hear, needed to know right now. Because I don't want you to go away. How many times did I repeat that last night? Is it repeated enough number of times for you to remember and know why I did what I did?

"Stop thinking about it, okay. Go and sleep, you got class early tomorrow. It's late already, go sleep or tomorrow you can't get up, can't concentrate in class. Goodnight. I love you."

I love you too, I whispered smiling away as I finally let go of my fears and worries to rest for the night.

I love you baby, my one and only.
We could be the next Ellen and Portia :)

Lover please, turn that car around & come back home

Few hours late but better late than never.

Happy birthday to the one whom I called my sister from another mother, the one whom I care more than my blood sister, the one whom I really liked being with, the one whom I loved talking to, the one whom wanted a younger sister too..

May all your wishes and dreams come true. I hope you are doing well. I still want the best for you. I won't forget you, won't forget the times we had either.

Take care.

Love,
G xoxo


x x x

Remember what I said about honesty? Remember how much I hate people hiding things and lying to me, let me be the last one to know?

I didn't bring it up because, I don't want an argument when we're so happy. I just wished you'd tell me about it, not having me to ask you then you tell me.

I'm sorry, if I make it seem impossible to talk to me.

x x x

I wanted to say you lost but now..I'm not too sure. I won half the battle. And she's on my side. I hope she doesn't waiver and go over to you. Not now. Not soon. I hope never.

Because it feels like insomnia

It's 5am, what the hell am I doing here?

Because I can't sleep til you're next to me
No I can't live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh I stay up til you're next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, feels like insomnia ah ah

geez and I hate it.
I've been stuck with insomnia for what? Coming three years now and I am still having troubles sleeping. And to be completely downright honest, I rely on medications which is also known as sleeping pills to fall asleep. Y'know why I didn't take the pills? Because I ran out of them. Dammit!


What a wreck I am.

Forget the things we swore we meant

(Ignore the whole part if you're not interested to know about someone's ugly deeds)
The truth. It has finally seen light.

Today was supposed to be a very happy day for me. But it all turned out really bad. Can't believe I still cried so hard. Tiong Bahru is the place that the four of us were seen crying at, ha ha ha not fun okay.

I hate to be hidden in the dark. It's horrible being me now. But girls, I'm thankful, for telling me everything that I have to know. And I'm sorry, for throwing my temper and flaring up in the midst of nowhere..I guess you should know by now I really hate lies, liars and their whole not being able to tell the effing truth issue. Anyway I love y'all <3 The whole 'don't tell Glynis' shit has to stop. I'm hearing too much lies. I had enough. I am quite exseparated, I need to breathe.

I was made the biggest fucking fool. Thank you. Thanks a lot. Now I'm wondering what is it that you said was the truth, which part is not. The part about the chase, about being a monk (no one would joke at that point of time ok it was fucking serious), about being appreciative was a fucking lie. The part about dating someone else was the only truth, huh? Prove me wrong.

Do you actually expect me to wait for you, while you around looking for something else to divert your attention to before you come and think that 'hey yeh I think now it's the time'? Have I not been here for long enough? Am I not always here? I have always been here. I heard so much about 'yknow he's trying, give him some time, it'll be all good' & yada yada yada...time after time I was told I should let you be, leave you as the way you are & one day when your wires just happen to connect back to normal, you'll come and be yourself again.

And you do not fucking push the blame to me. You do not fucking do that. If you want me to say everything, every single thing, the whole entire fucking story, I will. In details. This is where my amazing cannot-forget memory comes in handy. Honesty is the best fucking policy, haven't you heard?

Karma will hit you right back. Stab you in your anal and you get it big time. It'll hurt you twice as fucking much as it is hurting me now. You just wait. You'll get yours okay.


Remember I told you about this someone whom I used to date, how badly she used to use and aduse me, how bad it all was & how things ended between us? From what I know, she is still single. It's been almost three years since she last got into a proper relationship. Even she agreed that it was karma, and it was because of what she did to me.


/Edit
I'm very calm now. I said all that out of anger. And people say you say things you meant deep down in your heart when you're angry. I don't know. I kinda wish what I learned today was a damn joke, or it was a long dream that I had. But no smoke, no disappearing, no opening my eyes and see the sun shining....never mind I will continue blogging

x x x

Long John @ Tiong for quick lunch, short cry, ranting session
Gemstones headband from Charmeleon
Free flow of vulgurities
22, Boon Keng - Interview for Shim, mom & dad came to pick me
Bainian @ Aunt Doris's place
Dying for my own room
Couldn't stop pestering mama about it

Cannot stop annoying bff ^^
I love you bff, ai si ni 184 1314

I got an anonymous letter in the mailbox today. I was freaked out. No names, no initials, no note, no letter, no nothing. It contained two movie vouchers. I really wonder who was the one who sent this. I cannot recognise the handwriting either! I do not remember anyone I know of with such handwriting...

 

  

Weird much?

It'd be nice if you let me who are you. :)
I really wanna know who & I've got my ways to. Heh heh heh I went to call GV but to no avail as they were closed for the day. I will call them again on Monday. Die die must find out! I was telling A I think it's the #1 bitch but she don't have my address, neither does anyone around her.. but then again, why would she be so nice since she's made #1 bitch in all of our minds?

Today, didn't get to see you, smell you & feel your presence. (Angry :@ + Upset :/ + Disappointed :(( + Bo bian :|) x 236938472289473 !!!! Miss you miss you miss you miss youuuuuuuu sigh


Grand Copthorne Waterfront Hotel for coffee + supper for now, be back later! I will blog again later la I guess I bet this coffee + supper will be more like gossip + suffer.

P/s: I think my attempt to do up Audrey Hepburn's hair = failed :(

Secret admirer: Okay, do you know my friends then? Or do any one of my friends know you? Really curious to know who you are! Email me if you are not comfortable revealing your identity here alright :) Oh ok, happy reading then! <3

Feel free to kiss me on the cheek even though I'd prefer the lips

I definitely will be happier than a bird with a french fry from today onwards. I'm done with being mad, I'm pretty much a very forgiving person. Apology works but not all the time, usually works on the first time.

I'm getting quite sick of visiting. I just wanna stay home, be in comfortable home clothes and study all day. Other than being able to dress up and wear new clothes, nothing that I fancy from visiting. It's quite boring sometimes. I've to go bainian tomorrow :[ Ugh again on Saturday, omg. But Saturday I've got Econs paper 10 fucking am in the morning. On a lighter note, Saturday we're having late night coffee at some random coffee house, whee! Come Sunday, it's our family day. We've planned to watch two movies on that day!!

Topshop private event was great. Free flow of Tiger beer (which I really dislike), snacks from some random hotel that we totally missed, DJ Sassy all tall and pretty, photos taken & printed, up to 65% discount but we found nothing pleasing to the eye. Ben & Jerry's yummy ice-cream, toilet cleaner singing qi ge long tong qiang tong qiang loudly in the toilet, Malay couple quarreling loudly by the sea, bumped into two ex-schoolmates on the train home, walked the ultra long way back home to spend more time talking.

I'm busy, on the phone, entertaining the crazy one who forgot to take her towel to shower and is stucked in the toilet. Tsk tsk.. I'll put up the photos in tomorrow's post. Grey's & PSP later hehehe GTA is bloody fun okay with all the killing and running people down hahaha!



Happy 20th ♥
I'll be you winter coat buttoned & zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch a cold :) Luv u x

I'm sorry about the phone call, & needing you

Sometimes you have to be
strong for yourself. You have
to know that you're a good
person & a good friend.
What's meant to be will end
up good & what's not - won't.
Love is worth fighting for, but
sometimes you can't be the
only one fighting. At times,
people need to fight for you.
If they don't, you just have
to move on & realize what
you gave them was more
than they were willing to
give you. Hopefully, people
realize great things when
they come around. And don't
lose something real. Always fight,
until you can't anymore,
and then be fought for.

I did revision and wrote notes for HMC today. I was in all day with the horribly humid weather and scotching sun shining right into the room. Heat was felt all over, no matter which part of the house I was in. But I was happy with myself for writing so much & I am glad I went for most classes and I wrote notes. Most of the questions and topics for the exam is what he told us to write down. Thank God.

Merl came over in the afternoon to bainian :) She stayed until 10ish and we sent her home. We planned to go Godma Sue's place on Saturday to bainian. She was telling me about her big night out with Joyce & she had a lot to drink. Mostly shots. Makes me hungry for them :| I've been dying for a lychee martini. *hintcoughshint*

I downloaded Time Crisis, Metal Slug X, Resident's Evil & Crash Team Racing today!! :D All was done by 8pm, I started at about 1ish. Fast huh!! Much thanks to my hard disk else no space in the desktop man. Loco Roco 2 is damn fun la okay hahah I cannot stop playing. I ditched the dslite already hahaha.


I was the one snatching my hand away & making us masquerade as friends. So why am I the only one trying to hold it together now? It's like chasing smoke, and it's escaping through my fingers. I made us secret, so now maybe I'm just grabbing at something that was never really there.

I'll never understand why God allows certain people into our lives, fully knowing they're not going to stay. Now I'm scared of anyone who walks into my life.

This is the closest I've come to touching you the way I want

It is worthwhile, that's why I'm in this battle for you. Every scar I get from this battle would remind me what I went through for you. It is worth it. I know it is.

Yknow when you asked me out, with hesitation, "Er...wanna go for movies?" I was thinking what made you hesitate. Is it my answer, for the fear of rejection? Or is it because you think I do not want to go out with you?

And whenever you asks me to hang out with you, anytime any day anywhere, it will be a definite yes without consideration, no hesitation.


Yknow when you said you'd kiss me whenever you see me, I got a shock. I mean, shock in a nice way I guess. I mean, not being grossed out and all & you said it.

And in actual fact, I'd love it.


Yknow when you said that you did thought of getting together with me & that maybe I do deserve a chance but you have zero confidence with ":(" to end off the sentence, I felt so relieved. I thought this was a one-sided thing all along. Right from the beginning.

For that one moment, I felt so light.


Yknow I said, "Goodnight, I love you" not because I want something from you but I just wanted you to know. That is all. Simple. And sweet.

I wonder how am I supposed to express this, to make you feel like yknow, I really love you & this is clearly what I want right now. How am I going to prove this all to you that it is true, nothing but the truth & love?

I love you.

May the ones you love, be the ones you keep

I'll make this a quick one, do up my hair, watch a little of Grey's & go to bed. No visuals but a summary of how the first day of CNY went for me. I'll upload the pictures (we took quite a lot today, actually) when I'm home from visiting tomorrow. Hopefully today won't be as boring/tiring as today is.

This morning we went over to Gran's. Had my virgin try at vegetarian steamboat. If I can avoid having that for brunch, I really would. I am not a big fan of vegetarian food, honestly. We stayed there until about 1ish and headed over to Godma Irene's place. Had wanton made by Godpa and we watched Catch Me If You Can on the telly. I love that movie &I will watch it again. The rest were having their own gathering in the dining area and they were talking so loudly I couldn't hear clearly! After that we went off to Aunt Alice's place. Had dinner. Yumz pig's stomach soup!! Talked, catch up over coffee, played games, watched Little Nyonya Reunion, had new year goodies & just came back home awhile ago.

I luv my heels. Though they are like..3.5 inches high & almost killed me. But it's okay I still luv heels. I'm gonna wear the wetlook leggings, slouchy top, pair it with my heels & prolly the Prada bag tomorrow! Sexcited. Tomorrow we're gonna visit Grandaunt, going over to Aunt Doris's place then the rest are coming over to our place to visit and dinner. Thank God they are all going back to work/school on Wednesday. Four days, almost 16 hours together everyday with them is hell.

x

As much as it feels unpredictable, when you start to dawn at it, it isn't really. It's quite obvious. Things can never stay good here, there's always that little niche that has to come into play & in someway distort something either drastically or just a tad. Depending on your situation, time & place you can always kind of predict the worst that could happen & according to whatever it is your doing, it being something good the more likely nothing bad is to happen or vice versa.

I got played with quick session of emotions that as of not to long ago, I thought I had overcome & that they were 98% erased from me. I felt forgiven & confident and just generally a better being. That's when I should of realized something terrible is prone to happen sooner or later. Things can't stay good for long here, we all know it. We've even said it out loud a couple times.

I never thought that something so small could spurt into something so big & so fast too. It really does prove that time does fly.

Mainly though, I don't want to have an empty pit in my stomach for ever now. I wonder when I'm thirty, how will I look back (I think about the future a lot & it always overwhelms me). I just want to simply apologize to an angel. You can pluck away a strand of hair but it will grow back. You'll always stay within me. I'm sorry.

x

Staring at this empty space, trying to think back about what I wanted to type in here. I had so much to put in here today. I had so much emotions rushing through me that I wanna blog about. But now staring at this space, I couldn't think of anything but your photo that I took of you which I kept as your small contact image on my phone with your name appearing in my screen. The image only appears small when there's a text, big when it's an incoming call.

When he asked how I was with the whole thing about you today, I stood next to him & said, "No, no turning back. Trust me on that." He replied, "Time will tell okay, and you'll go back if there is turning back." I couldn't answer him because my mind says no way but my heart is nodding away, dying to say yes. No because it is good for me and yes because I really, really want to turn back.

In his car, I was wondering where are you, are you enjoying the visiting & collection of red packets, remembering that you don't like the company of your relatives & annoying cousins. Wondering if you had fun, were you thinking of the same thing as I was..

The question is, have I really moved on or have I been mindfucking myself that I've moved on?

"Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily. Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever."

Now it hit me that maybe we weren't that happy after all. No matter what they said, how fabulous we look having each other, we still lost the battle. But then again, right there and then I was made the happiest girl by you. No one else could lift up lightly and make me feel so happy this easily like the way you did. You are truly amazing and you know that. The 4th break up is happening in class. It is this inner conflict that we all face, that we all know of..

When he was there, I could see the pain in his eyes. I saw her, being as cheerful as she can appear to be with her pretty much pale sickly face around her friends, avoiding every possible chances of meeting his eye. He, having to finish his assignment, left the class immediately while she went on with hers. It was like avoiding each other.. This must have been tough on the both of them.

I'm sure, like me (or rather us), we all wonder what went wrong. They were so adorable together. Sometimes the most perfect looking couple aren't that perfect. They are not that cute on the inside, not at all. And that's why they do not end up in their very own happily ever after.

Honestly, I know how it feels like to be her, also to be him. It is hard but we all will have to and definitely will get past this some time later. Just like the way I am right now :)

I'm glad I told M today, "I'm over it ok!!!!!!" smiling away & really meant it. This was the someday you've been waiting for, haven't you? I have not "let go a little" but this much. Yknow why? Because I know you're never coming home to this heart of mine, and hoping for the best has become terribly overrated. Putting all of that aside, I was thinking if you'd change my mind someday...

And you know I will always be here, still love you when I always called you a fucking selfish asshole.

I wish I'd heard when you said that your heart could not wait

I'm happy that you held my hand for a time longer than I anticipated.
I'm happy that you said you remember things I said & I should not say that you don't pay attention to me when I talk.

Ok now you just have to shorten the lifespan of this tiny winy little bubble of happiness by mentioning that peach.

Why, a moment you were so nice then you go back to being mean when she's around or when she calls you. I wonder when you talk to her, do you sound this dead, this unwilling to talk just like the way you talk to me. Stop making me happy for 2 hours and make me upset for the next few days.

x

You know what? Stop it. Jealousy is one hella bitch, it can cause one to do anything-- I mean, anything at all even if it means going behind the bars for taking your life.

/Edited
And now you make me happy by asking me out. Dammit!