PDP

When I was a little dot I wanted to be a clown, blue faced for bad luck with wire in my plaits. I slack-roped between the turbines up on the moors and pulled extravagant strings of sausages from unexpected spots. Over time the clown turned inwards and I still live somewhere between Pierrot and Auguste, but I'll never forget the feel of greasepaint in my eyebrows or the happy calm of knowing what I wanted to be.

They say the secret to a happy career is getting paid to do what you love. I love staring and hiding food, drawing troupes of small dogs in the margins of my diary and pretending I live on an island somewhere with the Very Reverend William Buckland and four and a half of the Mitford girls. The world of work has always been hard for me. And yet I must earn enough money to keep me in the needfuls, at least to keep stocked up on Cheestrings and weed.

My skills are many and varied and I'm a personable sort, at least to your face. I can make any animal you like out of cloth, although they always turn out looking somehow like me. I can cross my ring finger over my middle one without moving the others. I have a wide repertoire of untoward recipes. I can write the odd sentence. I have my own dog suit. I am eminently employable.

I think I'd be ideally suited to a career as a familiar, or an Executive Imaginary Friend. I'd make an excellent protagonist - or antagonist - and would be a perfect fit for the position of muse. I could find success as a skeleton in a closet or a madwoman in an attic or some kind of half-forgotten god slumbering away at the bottom of the sea. I could be your nemesis and my rates are more than fair.

Which is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't go down well at the Job Centre.

True Fact

The man who sings with the modern beat combo ‘Nickelback’ is, in actual fact, the eldest of the brothers from cheery pop trio ‘Hanson’. He’s had a hard life.

True Fact

Every time I have a wank, a fairy dies.

You Couldn't Make It Up

They have been finding chunks of a man all over the countryside. The torso, complete with one and a half arms, was discovered by a member of the public in a place called GORE LANE.

Signs I Have Seen Outside Churches

You Don’t Need a Modem to Connect to God
Seven Days Without Prayer Make One Weak
Carpenter Requires Joiners
CH—CH Means Nothing, Unless UR In It
Kneeling Can Solve a Longstanding Problem
In a Jam? God Preserve Us!
Use God as Your Steering Wheel, Not Your Spare Tyre
We’re Son Worshippers, We’ll Never Get Burnt!

And my personal favourite, for its filthy double meaning:

It’s Hard to Stumble When You’re Down on Your Knees

FACT

“An early version of the New Testament banned eating rabbits because it was believed that they grew a new rectum every year and that eating them would fill the diner with an urge to sodomise.”

From In the Devil’s Garden by Stewart Lee Allen. Fantastic book.

FACT

You can teach an octopus how to suck eggs.

FACT

Minnows have teeth in their throats.

Fact

Aristotle believed that bees were created from the rotting carcasses of bulls.

Graffito

Seen on a windowsill near the theatre in town: TORTURE IS PENG.