The Proper Care and Operation of your Gobackatron 1985Thousand

The twentieth seal of the Roboplastic Apocalypse explodes into flaming rocks just like the those tablets Moses threw off the mountain when his hobby drove him crazy.


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WHY AM I HERE IS A FUN QUESTION BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY BE ASKING YOURSELF WHY ARE ALL THESE ROBOTS IN MY HOUSE

Yes, sometimes it is really hard to figure out if your hobby is driving you crazy (especially if crazy was the way you started). And with that in mind I have assembled this extended monologue on what one should expect from their hobby and how to figure out if what you are doing is a) a hobby in the first place and not some bizarre complicated antisocial Star Wars nerd mating ritual or b) something really legitimately fun (but with severe psychologically damaging side effects). So for those wondering if what you do with your spare time and money is meaningful expenditure of your short time on earth or actually a symptom of mental illness, I offer you this 50 minute podcastalyptical advice. But before we start, know that if what you call a hobby involves toy robots you probably already had brain damage and that's gonna be a little tougher for me to fix with just corny jokes and pictures of 25 year old toy robots ads.

Sav-On 28 November 1985


This ad from Wilsons demonstrates how the cool thing about Cy-Kill was that if you transformed him backwards he looked even cooler.

Wilsons 04 November 1984


SHOW NOTES OF THE PODCASTALYPSE

TRU 12/12/85

Richway 11/10/85

• Pursuing the degree in Roboplastic Historianism is going well
• Return to Vintage Space Toast Tour Miami
• How to tell if your hobby is working
• In search of the elusive December 12, 1985 Skywarp Bop Bag ad
• The wages of not paying attention is repeated trips to Miami library
• Not finding ads but instead finding answers (which aren't as fun as finding ads)
• Goal of the day-reacquiring that giant December 9, 1979 Playworld Micronauts ad
• A new ridiculous quest-collecting Lionel Playworld circulars
• How to tell if your hobby is good
• The old ridiculous quest-reading all the Los Angeles newspapers from 1985
• break-Lionel Playworld: Toy Capital of the World!
• The traditional post library visit fish sandwich
• Upcoming José Delbo convention appearances (or the lack thereof)
• Three of the first four Transformers cover artists will be at Miami Comic Con
• break-Children's Palace: Everything a toy store commercial should be!
• How to tell what your hobby is all about
• Not finding things in common with other fans when you have everything in common
• Doing as the Cybertronians do
• How to tell you enjoy your hobby when you are the Mexican Luke Skywalker
• Making out in robot costumes is more mainstream than what I do with my hobby
• Being happy is not the same as being passionate
• How to tell if your hobby is actually dating
• Being the Tyler Durden of newspaper looking library clubs
• Brian Kilby is my Obi-Wan Kenobi
• Blowing up 1985 like the Death Star
• Dr. Geektarded-a true fellow Macrocranian
• Sliding around in inflatable robots and spaceships
• How to tell if your hobby has wonderfulness
• The tremendous amounts of fictional backstory included in 80s toy robot newspaper ads
• The upcoming Gobotacular Podcastalypse
• We're the Wheeled Warriors-don't wanna wheel no more! /Dokken
• Contrasting Wheeled Warrior newspaper ad fiction vs. cartoon fiction
• How to tell if you get your hobby advice from Alice Cooper
• How to tell if paleontology is a hobby
• Wizard World requires business cards of the apocalypse
• How to tell the Podcastalypse is over

Broadway 16 September 1985

25 years ago in TV ratings PART 4: February 1986 Nielsens for animated shows in the weekday early fringe time period reported by independent stations

Although the Nielsen ratings for February of 1986 don't technically qualify as "25 years ago" the numbers are still important analytical tools for roboplastic archaeologists looking to study the popularity of cartoon robot Volkswagens and their transforming Tyrannosaurus cohorts. I'm taking a look this time at the February '86 ratings for shows in the 'Early Fringe' time period (Monday through Friday from 4:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.) as reported by independent stations. Independent UHF stations of the 80s were traditionally the realm of the half hour toy commercial and they were where I did most of my afterschool cartoon watching. Since the independents had a much wider variety of animation in their lineups than the networks, the numbers for the independents give a more complete comparison of the relative popularity of the most cartoons. But first here's the entire top ten based on Kids' share and rank for the early fringe as reported by independent stations in February '86:

Kids' Rank/Share	Household Rank/Share	Program	# of Stations	Feb '85 Shr	May '85 Shr	Nov '85 Shr
01/39	03/12	Diff'rent Strokes	34	12	11	11
02/32	17/10	Scooby Doo	22	10	10	10
03/31	08/11	Thundercats	72	11	9	11
03/31	09/11	Transformers	59	11	10	11
03/31	24/09	She-Ra	57	9	9	9
06/30	02/13	Three's Company	9	15	13	13
06/30	04/12	Too Close for Comfort	20	13	12	13
06/30	15/10	G.I. Joe	73	11	10	11
09/29	13/10	Little House on the Prairie	11	10	9	10
09/29	16/10	He-Man & the MotU	53	10	10	10

February '86 was the first sweeps period after the legendary November '85 sweeps when Thundercats, Transformers, She-Ra, G.I. Joe and He-Man fought it out in a very toy cartoon heavy Kids' top ten. In November the only non-toy cartoons in the top 10 were Scooby Doo, Tom and Jerry and perennial ratings champion Woody Woodpecker. For whatever reason Woody Woodpecker disappeared completely from the ratings in February '86, leaving the non-animated Diff'rent Strokes in the number 1 kids' spot. Tom & Jerry also dropped out of the top ten and the two vacancies left by them and Woody were filled by the live action shows Little House on the Prairie and Too Close for Comfort. One of the criticisms leveled against the ratings system was that the kids numbers were largely inaccurate because children didn't take their reporting responsibilities seriously. I tend to agree that something fishy is going on here because Little House and TCfC were mind numbingly boring to me when I was 11 back in '85. I can't imagine them being more popular than He-Man. Then again, maybe I'm discounting the most powerful demographic of all: pre-teen girls!

Feb '86 was also the second consecutive report to use Kids' rank and share, allowing for a little bit of kid-centric ratings continuity to be established. Transformers and Thundercats continued to be the top toy based shows in February 86, both tying for third with a 31 share. In November '85 they were in fourth and fifth place with Transformers taking a 34 share on the kids chart, slightly edging out Thundercats which had a 33. Although they both improved in rank, the slight erosion in overall share indicated that the popularity of toy based cartoons was beginning to decline.

Other animated shows outside the kids' top ten:

Kids' Rank/Share	Household Rank/Share	Program	# of Stations	Feb '85 Shr	May '85 Shr	Nov '85 Shr
15/25	23/09	Jetsons	21	8	8	8
19/24	28/08	M.A.S.K.	26	9	8	9
22/22	31/07	Flintstones	7	6	7	6
22/22	32/07	Tom & Jerry	5	7	6	6
22/22	36/06	Heathcliff	18	6	6	6
27/21	30/07	Challenge of the GoBots	24	9	8	8
29/18	37/06	Voltron	20	8	7	6
37/14	40/05	Bugs Bunny	7	5	6	4
38/13	42/04	Popeye	3	12	8	7
39/12	41/04	Inspector Gadget	13	5	5	4
39/12	49/02	Tranzor-Z	3	4	4	4
42/11	47/03	Jayce & the Wheeled Warriors	22	5	4	4
45/10	48/03	Super Friends	7	6	6	4
47/09	43/04	Robotech	11	6	6	5

After debuting on the November '85 ratings in 17th place with a 27 share, M.A.S.K. loses a few points and drops to 19th, which is still not too bad. GoBots falls five places to 27th and Voltron actually climbs up the chart, going from 37th in November to 29th in February. Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors in 42nd place only falls one spot compared to November and Tranzor-Z rockets to 39th from 46th. Robotech at 46th remains the least popular cartoon in the kids' top 50. I am still amazed how Tranzor-Z remains so obscure in pop culture history and Robotech so lauded when the actual ratings of the day reveal Robotech's popularity to be well below that of most every other cartoon. It's possible the absence of Tranzor-Z merchandise in North America contributed to this while the less popular Robotech was afforded a toyline. Or maybe a cartoon about a robot that was just a robot didn't make as much of an impression as one about transforming robot fighter planes. Maybe the key to pop culture immortality in 1985 was not ratings popularity but whether or not a cartoon had Shoji Kawamori jet robots you could buy at K-Mart.

NEXT TIME ON RATINGSTASTIC ROBOTCARTOONALYPSE: The February '86 Early Fringe network ratings-featuring possibly the most robotastic top ten ever!

OH MY ZOG!

L-R: Beaver Cleaver in drag, Bea Arthur, Dildo Smurf, Ted Danson, God cosplaying as Orko, Cucumber Satan

As if in answer to my prayers for pictures of the unproduced Zoggies, a French blogger has put up scans of the Wheeled Warriors portion of the 1986 Mattel Catalog. This contains pictures of what would have been the second year of Wheeled Warriors had it not been canceled. There's some great unreleased stuff like the Thunderstruction Environment and Vehicle sets, Motorvators and Monstervators snap on motorized vehicle chassis, new Monster Minds like Bru-Toss and the Grim Creeper, prototypes of the Fling Shot and Spray Gunner and of course the figures of Jayce and the gang (plus Zoggies!) and last but not least-Saw Boss the figure!

Unfortunately the blog triggers my Norton Anti-Virus because of a trojan in one of the .gifs related to the bloghost. The Norton report is here. If you're protected against Bloodhound.Exploit.281 then go ahead and check it out:

http://nhtpirate.over-blog.com/article-jayce-et-les-conquerants-de-la-lumiere-catalogue-mattel-us-1986-43701598.html

THE CUCUMBERS WILL NEVER FORGIVE US

I was riding my bike and as I passed this really long row of perfectly square shrubs I thought to myself how much I am really grateful plants are a) immobile and therefore unable to seek revenge and b) not in charge. Because if they could fight back I'd probably be living in a world where plants would ride their bikes beside long rows of perfectly squared off human torsos. It got me thinking about the one cartoon where plants actually got their shot at creating human topiary-Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors. Thanks to a recent post Shawn did at Branded in the 80s about a website with old cartoons I watched some Wheeled Warriors episodes. It got me all fired up then one thing led to another and the next thing I knew I had updated and reformatted the Wheeled Warriors section of the Vintage Space Toaster Palace!

AM I GLAD TO SAW YOU!

Albertsons 11/07/85

Wheeled Warriors came out in '85 so that would make this year the 25th anniversary of the line. I felt like I was throwing my own Wheeled Warriors celebration as I spent the whole weekend immersed in it, doing internet research for the VSTP and watching the cartoons and working on the ads. It brought back a lot of memories. Back in '85 I was in 5th grade and our class got to go on a tour of the local UHF station. It was the channel that carried Wheeled Warriors and during some point of the tour a small group of us had to wait in the lobby. Wheeled Warriors came on and I will always remember being awestruck by Saw Boss's transformation in the opening sequence. Not because it was particularly dynamic or exciting, but because at home my dad didn't have a UHF antenna hooked up to the TV so our reception was always crappy. The signal was fantastic at the Channel 14 studios and I never realized UHF could look that great. This was the first time I ever saw the show all nice and clear and it really made an impression on me. Wheeled Warriors was one of those shows that you really needed a good signal to appreciate. I was happy to find the episodes really held up after all these years after watching some of them this weekend. I guess it figures I'd love it because it turns out the show was produced by J. Michael Straczynski with Larry DiTillio among the writers and Haim Saban wrote the theme song. Take those ingredients and add in some pissed off vegetable people that turn into armored Mad Max trucks and I'm sold.

Thrifty 11/14/85


YOU CAN'T GO WRONG WHEN YOUR BAD GUYS ARE THE VEGETABLE EQUIVALENT OF FURRIES

Wheeled Warriors does get compared a lot to Star Wars to the point of being called a rip off, but as a kid in 1985 I really wanted to see something Star Warsy in the post-original trilogy era when all we had on the air was Droids and Ewoks. Boy did Straczynski really deliver because Wheeled Warriors is essentially Star Wars where Darth Vader turns into a cucumber tank. Yet Star Wars wasn't the only parallel that could be made. I noticed Wheeled Warriors also had some of the technological sorcery society setting of He-Man plus many alien character designs reminiscent of Looney Tunes plus the transformation element of Turbo Teen. Also eggplants. Plus since the bad guys were motivated by their lust for the "magic root" (which was the most brazen marijuana metaphor in children's television ever) it also takes on a sort of intergalactic Miami Vice feel. It is essentially the further adventures of Luke and Han Solo as they travel the galaxy teaming up with furries from other planets to fight evil pimped out low riders with giant Venus flytraps on their hoods that want to steal Luke's stash of weed. It is no wonder the Star Wars prequels bombed! Straczynski raised the bar too high! Wheeled Warriors didn't rip off Star Wars, it destroyed it with stoned cucumbers.

ALL I KNOW IS THEY MAKE ME WANT TO PUT TOAST IN THEM

TG&Y 12/08/85

Unfortunately the toyline did not capitalize on the cartoon gold that was the Wheeled Warriors show. There were no figures of the cartoon characters and instead the drivers of the vehicles were necktie wearing dudes. (This would have been remedied in 1986 I think. I swear I saw pages online of unproduced prototype figures based on the show characters that would have been packed in with rereleased vehicles for the second year. They even meant to make the Zoggies.) Since the text in the newspaper ads was from Mattel promotional material not based on the cartoon it looks like the original story worked up for the toys was that the necktie dudes were fighting the evil plant tanks in a battle on Earth. That too sounds interesting but for some reason none of this really clicked with me enough as a kid to actually go out and get any of them. The ads tell the story of the line's release in 1985 and rapid demise until they were all being clearanced out by holiday season 1986. I can't say I found the vehicle designs all that interesting. They were kind of small and I couldn't figure out if the good guys were coming or going half the time (I am the same way with Volkswagens). Sometimes even the retailers selling the toys couldn't figure out which side of the good guy cars was the front as evidenced by this TG&Y ad from December of '85. I guess the front was whichever way the big drill or arm or gun was pointing. Actually the idea of space cars with laser beams AND giant melee weapons is pretty dumb if you think about it. But Wheeled Warriors was all about making dumb ideas look great by putting big chromed rims on them.

SOMEBODY'S SMOKIN' THE MAGIC ROOT

Man, being so drenched in the Wheeled WarryWorld as I've been over the last few days sure makes me sad the line died before I could get a figure of Jayce or Oon or Not Han Solo. Knowing those didn't get made eases the pain of not being able to afford the Wheeled Warriors I do see on ebay nowadays. It's kind of ridiculous but eBay sellers expect hundreds of dollars for these toys that were being clearanced at two bucks a pop in 1987. What would be really great is if Mattel would come out with a 25th anniversary Wheeled Warriors line with transforming Monster Minds. I'd love a cucumber tank that turned into a robot with a giant rubber brain. Considering some of the crazy crap Hasbro's been putting out lately Mattel needs to hurry up before they get beaten to it.

Keepin' the ads rollin'!

SOMEONE SAW ME AND IT WAS BOSS

The Vintage Space Toaster Palace got noticed last week by one of the bigger toy robots message boards and one of the guys is all WHERE IS THE WHEELED WARRIORS LOL. I immediately stopped everything and made a section for all the Wheeled Warriors ads I've had laying around for a while. There is no greater motivation than someone LOLing at me.

The rhyme of the modern Zoidoler

"I come from the future where everything is stupid!
We watched too much robot cartoons and our minds got polluted!"

So cried the crazy stranger who came from nowhere.
Speaking to future beings I should not have dared,
but in my knight's armor I begged in despair,
"Telleth us past peoples more, that we may yet prepare!"

"Well first, beware gas! It gets real expensive!
And don't spend your money on collections extensive!"

You speaketh in riddles, my time travelling friend!
Of what do you speak that causeth mankind to descend?
Collections of what, dear sir dideth you spend?
What leadeth our future to this dire dead end?!

"TOY ROBOTS I SAY! PLASTIC MECHA TRINKETS FROM HELL!"
We go-bought them all day like crack addicts!" he yelled.

"We should have made energies, studied science and invention!
Instead we spent our time going to toy robots conventions.
And nobody would kill their toy robots collections
and 2008 was too late to correct our directions."

I saideth, "You speak madness! How could man be so insane?
To squander precious petrol making robot dinosaurs and planes?"

He said, "We just wanted escape from life's hussle and fuss!
And blessed escape our toy robots sure brought us.
But it got hard to escape, I think back now in disgust,
when all our toy robots were made of petroleum products.

"It will never cometh to pass! I say, future boy!
Plastic from the earth is in unending supply!
and collecting toy robots is not civilization's decline!"
My anger at a boil, the stranger looked at me and smiled
"You can live in denial, mister knight from old times
But we used all the oil to make Optimus Primes!"

I'd hadeth enough! It began to dawneth on me
Maybe we really did have a Transformer based economy
And maybe the Zoids really did make us poor
But that the stranger knew the real truth I had to ensure

So I saideth "You're no time traveler from some terrible robot future
of priorities goneth awry via antisocial roboculture,
And if you are, future man, tell me who made us this way then
Name thine future robot lord, the plastic king that ledeth astray men!
Who is he with whom the blame layeth the largest portion?
So thateth we may prepareth for his coming with roboplastic abortion!

And the stranger lay stunned, shocked by what I'd wanted done
but after struggling in his mind he resigned and sighed:
"I am your future lord, your troubles are all mine!
I was the last robot boss, I was the captain of the Macross.
I was the king of Optimus Primes."

"But my name I cannot give-with the life's path I've in mind
I'll go back and craft a Robotroid free future for you to find!"
Then he vanished in a flash-the evil king departed from his past
but on the ground he droppeth a shiny clue behind!

It was a magic demon iPod that with but a touch and a nod
came alive through some accursed scroll wheel wizardry
Radiating brightly on tiny screen a betrayed identity!
At last I knowedeth who the robotastic pied piper will be!
So a warning I give to thee; beware the letters R-F-C
And the roboradio activity of its author-Brian Kilby!

I WOULD BUY THOSE GUITAR BAND VIDEO GAMES but the only songs I know are from robot cartoons OR: For those about to bot, I salute you

The super sexy $169 Rock Band video game came out last week. Finally my chance to put together a band called "Doctor Archeville and the Ultimate Doom" had arrived. But Rock Band isn't just about putting on a lab coat and singing Iron Maiden songs about the end of the world. It's about guitaring and drummering, too. It's not just a Bruce Dickinson simulator, it's a whole Iron Maiden simulator. The idea is you get together with three other people and you form a virtual band with no real talent (All you haters go ahead and insert your own Iron Maiden joke here you bastardos). I was telling my wife about it and she says, "But you don't have what's needed to play that game!" And I asked, "What don't I have? 169 bucks?" and she said, "No, you don't have FRIENDS." And then we both laughed and I ran to the laundry room so she couldn't see and I sang along to my The Number of the Beast record while crying like a baby, which is how I spend my Saturday nights anyways.

Aside from friends who would want to be in a fake band with me, I also realize I don't like or even have knowledge of the vast majority of songs on the Rock Band setlist. There's no Matchbox 20, Barry Manilow or Helloween and the only Iron Maiden song they've got is a cover of Run to the Hills (and I got tired of playing that one on a real guitar ten years ago). There's also a serious lack of robot related song content. If there was any way I could play the opening theme music of 1980's robot cartoons I would be so sold on this guitar game stuff. I would trade any ten songs on the Rock Band setlist if I could fake play the rockin'est song ever-the opening theme to Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors.

But even if I did have friends and even if they come out with a downloadable pack called "Iron Maiden covers 80's cartoon robot theme songs", damn, $169 is a lot of money. Then again, I feel stupid for even thinking that. Realizing that Rock Band costs exactly as much as the last toy robot I bought has me spiraling downward into a videogame induced midlife crisis. Why did I spend $169 on a plastic robot? What was I thinking? To a rational sane person an interactive video game will always give the most entertainment value over any inanimate object. But this is me we're talking about and it's not like I didn't agonize for days before plunking down the money on the toy robot. I had my reasons however retarded and I still think the Yamato VF-0S is the greatest robot ever so I can't fault myself for buying it. Then again, coming to the decision that $169 is best spent on a toy robot is wrong no matter how you get to it, but that doesn't mean a lot of thought doesn't go into making that wrong choice.

Yeah, I maintain a precarious balance between rock and robots. It's a battle that rages in my soul everyday. Sometimes the rock wins and sometimes the robots win, sometimes I have to choose between Megadeth and Megatron. For anyone out there feeling bad because all your friends like Rock Band but you just want to get it on with Jayce from Wheeled Warriors-don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with Rock Band for not having more robots.