Real

Come to find out that the funeral exercise that I blogged about below was not an exercise. It was an exercise for a real live military funeral. A National Guard guy from here committed suicide by hanging. So sad. I just found out today.

Playing war

Well, here it is....the week we been dreading for 2 weeks. Or 5 weeks? Dada left home at 2 am Sunday morning to go camp out in Guam's jungles to play/practice war for a BIG inspection. The base has prepped for this inspection for MONTHS. If this inspection fails....well, then the General gets fired. Dada will not be home until Friday.

Poor guy. I couldn't imagine having to do this.

Back to being a single Mom to these 2 little ones.

Pictures below are of last week at the base "Tumbling For Tots" program. At the same time, in the same gym, there was an exercise for a military style funeral. It was very strange sitting there watching my full of life, energetic babies run amok, while right behind them there was a 'funeral' going on.

Birth Mother package

Im always trying to come up with ideas for birth parent's packages.

This picture is a small package for Birth Mother. It is not the typical package I normally send. Just very small little box of sweet treats from two very sweet babies.
Strawberry crackers, PEZ (Kayla's fav toy) candy, M&M's, Jelly Beans, Sour Spaghetti, Fruit Snacks and a mini Crunch bar and 1 Life Saver mint.

Any other ideas are welcome.

Better

I'm feeling so much better after a few days and lots of loving, thoughtful virtual hugs and comments.

Teeny tiny baby steps every single day is what its going to take I guess. At least I can try.

Thank you for the support. I needed it, and I appreciate more than you know.

I had no idea my own sister was going through the exact same thing. Im so angry she is left to deal with the same exact feelings. Im so angry at my 'mother' for this. Or lack of. I had no idea...

Im so hurt over she was going through and I had no idea. I graduated high school, got married and was off into my wedded bliss going after my husband to live in Italy, while she was left behind to be beaten and to hide and scream in the basement. If I only knew...

personal stuff

I don't even know where to begin with this post. But I do know I need to blog about it. Im going to be talking about some really personal issues here. Some might read this and wonder why the heck I would blog about this, here where anyone can read it. Others might think this is good for me. Blogging is good for me. I'm not a very open person in person, so here I can be open. Here my friends can give me their thoughts and here I can always feel not so alone.

My childhood has indeed affected the type of person I have become as 26 year old adult. In so many ways I am thankful for the childhood, or lack there of, that I did have because it has made me the person I am today. But there are a few areas that I wish could have been different.

In the positive ways it has made me a great mother. I think it has made me a mother. If my Dad wasn't a truck driver, if my Mom didn't work the night shift at Walmart, I would not have been at home stuck 'mothering' my 10 years younger sister. I hated it then. I am thankful and at times miss that now. Because I took care of and raised her basically, it made me want to be a mother at a very young age. After 6 months of being married I was ready (or so I thought) to become a Mom and so we started trying. (Thank GOD that didn't work out)

In the negative ways my childhood has robbed me of some things. Things that would come natural to anyone else. I lack some things. BIG things. I lack it as a Mother and a wife and its effecting my marriage.

What is this big thing you ask?

Three simple words. I love you. I'm unable to say it freely and naturally. This by no means that I do not love the person I cannot say these word too. I know, this must sound stupid. Let me explain.

As a child, I remember ONE time when my mother told me she loved me. It was not long after my sister was born. My Mom came into my room and told me that just because there was a new baby in the house it didn't mean that she didn't love me any less. She asked me if I thought she loved me, and honestly I said no. I had to be 10 years old then. I never in my life felt my Mom loved me as her daughter, but more like her friend. The one other time I remember her telling me she loved me was when I was 18, newly married and at the airport saying goodbye to her, on my way to run off to Italy to be with my husband.

My Father, the times he told me he loved me was even less. I don't remember hearing this one single time. During my parents divorce when I was 18, I read it in emails, but it was written in a very spiteful way. Not a fatherly, honest way.

Hugs from my parents, I remember my Mom once and my Dad once. My Mom again when I was saying goodbye at the airport. My Dad the summer Kayla was born. It was August 2008. I hadn't seen him since 2002 when I was getting my sister's bike out of the trunk of my Mom's car. We were meeting him in a parking lot of Red Lobster because it was his weekend to have her. The last time I saw him he called me a very bad name. My Mom was dating at the time a black guy so he preceded to call me a $igger loving $itch just like her. He pointed at me in my face and said, "I don't want to be at your wedding, $Uck you." So, I said, "Good, I don't want you there acting like THIS!" That was the last time I saw him, until Kayla was born. He and I met half way between his home in NJ and my in law's home in PA so I could pick up my sister to spend a couple weeks with her. He got out of his truck and hugged me. I hugged back. It was the one and only hug I can remember.

All through my childhood, my parents never showed affection towards each other, towards me, or towards my sister. My parents barely even talked to each other. If they did it was a fight. My parents never complimented me. To this day, at 26 years old when I get compliments, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to react or respond to it. My parents never told me I was doing a good job at anything in life. I remember getting B's and C's in school and even a few A's here and there on a report card one time. My Dad came home to my Mom and I reading it at the kitchen table and all he could say was, "You got C's?" Dude, at least I was going to school. He was/is an 8th grade school drop out and cant spell the word, cat. Seriously. I was really upset. But I just hid it. Pushed it under the carpet and pressed on. I was never told I was doing a good job at work or at school, because all through high school I juggled both, along with taking care of my sister and having a boyfriend most of the time. I was never told I was pretty. To this day I don't see what my husband sees in me as far as looks. I have no confidence. My parents never instilled confidence in me for anything.

I remember as child, going to a friends house and seeing her parents on the couch together holding hands and then they kissed each other. I thought that was the weirdest thing ever. I enjoyed going to her house to eat dinner a few days a week because they actually sat at the table like a real family. Something I didn't have. At my house, it was get what you want when you want and eat where ever you want. 99% of the time it was just my sister and I because Dad wasn't home and Mom was sleeping. I would make us grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, and hot dogs. Those were our favorites. My sister tells me today that I made the best hot dogs in the world.

Anyways, my point of explaining this all to you is that because of all this, I struggle day to day with these 3 simple words and it hurts my husbands feelings termedously. He deserves better than that. He deserves better than what I can give to him in my opinion. I don't randomly hug him. I don't randomly kiss him. I don't randomly tell him I love him. I only do these things when he initiates them and I HATE that. HATE isn't even a strong enough word for this. I never did do these things. He just didn't notice it before. But now, almost 8 years into our marriage it has become a problem. And I don't know how to fix it.

I live every single day very conscious and trying so hard not to do the things my 'Mother' did. Or to do the things she did NOT do. Every single day.

When Kayla was a baby I had to practice telling her that I love her. How pathetic is that? This by no means in any way means that I don't love her or love her less because of how became a family. It all comes from childhood. Nick deployed when Kayla was 7 months old. Prior to that, I never told her I loved her and every single day it would eat at me. I did love her. Why couldn't I tell her? When Nick left I thought this was the perfect time to practice. And by the time he came home hopefully I would be 'fixed' and I could tell her and him that I loved them with no problem. I first would start out telling Kayla, "Mama loves you". Not I love you. That was too big of a step. Eventually over the 7 months that was gone I worked up to I love you. I worked up me being able to tell her how pretty she is, how good she is, how smart she is.

Now with Caden being 6 months old, I'm having the same issues all over again. I'm going to have to practice all over again. Why do I have to be like this? What is wrong with me?

Why cant I just tell people I love, that I love them, like normal people?

I love my sister so much, yet I have NEVER told her. And she has never told me, although I know she does. Its like a mutual silent. 'i love you' between the 2 of us. Over the winter when Caden was born and I was staying with my in laws waiting on his passport, my sister came to stay with me for 5 days. We talked about how she is not able to hug anyone, or tell anyone she loves them. My heart sank when I heard this because I don't want her to turn out like me and struggle with these issues as an adult. Its not fair.

I've only just now begun to be able to tell my Great Grandparents I love you on the phone before they say it first. That took 26 years.

Ive only now just began to SOMETIMES tell my mother in law I love you on the phone first before she does. But I have to make a conscious effort and force myself to say it first whenever I do say it first.

Last week talking on the phone with our birth mother she told me she loved us all before the conversation ended. Could I say it back to her? Nope. It wouldn't come out. I felt so stupid and selfish and broken after I hung up the phone. What the $$$$ is wrong with me? Of course I love her. She gave us 2 gifts that mere words can not explain. Of course I love her.

I want to fix this but don't know how. I want to be able to walk up to my husband after he's had a long day at work and welcome him home with a big hug, like Kayla does. I want to be able to look at him and kiss him when I feel the urge. I want to tell him I love him because him just knowing isn't enough. Its not enough. He deserves more than that, but more than him just deserving more than that, I do love him and I am his wife, so why cant I just do it?

I'm so angry at parents for all this. At the same time it scares me. I haven't heard from my mother since 2005. She knows she has grandchildren but does not care. She even stopped visiting with my Great Grandparents because she didn't want to see the pictures of us all over her house. How can one just cut off their children and go on like they do not even exist on this earth? I honestly thought I was OK with her not being in my life. I keep telling myself that is her loss, not mine. But really, I do have a loss here. I don't have a mother. Yes, I have my mother in law. She is and has been more of a mother to me in the last 11 years then my own mother has been to me in my entire life. But, it still hurts that my own mother doesn't love me enough to be a part of my life. As much as it is HER loss, it still hurts ME.

I don't know how to fix this. The only thing I can come up with is, 'baby steps.' Just like I practiced with Kayla over the 7 month deployment, I guess I need to practice with my own husband and son. How sad is that? I feel like a broken human being.

PMS?

Maybe its PMS setting in, but the last 2 days Im really struggling over here, emotionally and physically.

Its just Tuesday morning and Im wishing for this week to be over.

How?

So, how do you tell complete strangers who are clueless with the adoption world, that I really would rather them NOT refer to our Birth Mother as, 'their Mother'?

I know they mean know harm when asking questions, and do not realize what they are saying and how it can hurt my feelings (and maybe even the feelings of MY children when they are older). But it still stings and I wish people would think first, or just automatically have the knowledge of adoption terms. Which I know is unrealistic. But I can wish.

Scary moments! Thank you Face.Book for the warnings!

I wanted to blog about lots of random updates but instead Im going to tell you about a few scary moments yesterday. Scary moments that I am thankful for because it was a reality check for me.

Caden went down for a nap a little early yesterday. I happened to be in the dining room for some reason or another when I noticed that the main road behind our house was backed up with dead stopped cars as far as I could see. The back entrance/exit gate for the base was shut down. Nothing unusual when the base is about to start an exercise and play war. I thought nothing of it but, "Sucks to be them. I know how that feels." This was before 12:30.

12:30 rolls around and I take Kayla back to my room and lay with her to take a nap. I hear the loud voice (speaker) outside and I cant understand it. All I can make out is, "This is NOT an exercise." I still dont think anything of it and 5 minutes later both and I were knocked out.

I wake up at around 2:30, and wanting to be quiet as to not wake the babies I just head to my computer. On face book I see everyone's status updates and they are all pretty much all mentioning how this base wide lock down sucks and some are stuck off base with nowhere to go, nothing to do. So, I ask what the heck is going on. I just woke from a nap and am clueless. Again, Im not panicking. I thought exercise stuff. Then I see this status update from the base Chaplin's wife:
*REAL WORLD THREAT: SECURITY FORCES LOOKING FOR SUSPECT: 65 YR INDIVIDUAL, BALD, NO TEETH, WEARING BROWN PANTS, RED SHIRT, DRIVING RED VEHICLE. REPORT TO 366-1872.

Ok, my heart starts racing a little more.

I am suddenly bombarded with things like:
*crazy man loose on base, threated the gas station
lock your doors/windows
*bomb threat and apparently they found a car bomb at the commissary...

Then I get a call from one of Nick's higher ranking supervisor's wife and she tells me all this and says just go lock windows/doors, close all the blinds and dont answer the door and if I see this man to call the cops.

Now I freak out a bit. I think all this while I was asleep with my babies and I had no clue?! 1 of windows is unlocked, my front door is ALWAYS unlocked. ALWAYS. Even when Im not home. And for a few seconds the Ft. Hood incident that took place enters my mind.

I go around and double check everything and by the time I get back to the computer, cars are finally moving into and out of the back gate right out back of our house and I see everyone's status on face book as the base is ALL CLEAR.

WHEW...now seriously..I had to find this out 2 hours AFTER the fact, while I sleep with my blinds all over and my front window and door unlocked? And no one called me? And I had to find out on Face.Book? Seriously? Nick did try to call me but he works out in the jungle and his phone does not get reception most times.

Needless to say, my window is now always locked unless I am home and its open, and from now on I will be better with my front door. I just take for granted that we live on a military base where I feel more safe than ever, more than anywhere else.

Here is the article. It doesnt give much detail. I heard all sorts of rumors from the guy was in the gas station with threats, to the commissary with threats, to there being a car bomb in the commissary parking lot, to the guy was found naked in the base chapel. I wonder what the real facts are??

Bomb threat causes brief lockdown at AAFB

Guam - Traffic came to a standstill up north in Yigo, where no one was allowed through the front gate of the Andersen Air Force Base for a couple of hours. Not much is being said about a lockdown at the military installation earlier today.

U.S. Air Force officials implemented the lockdown just before 1pm today after a bomb threat was made on the base. The incident has heightened security for all military personnel, dependents and civilian employees there. Sources do say that military police along with the Guam Police Department were combing the base, looking for a suspect.

Andersen AFB Public Affairs Office officials could only say the lockdown was ordered due to a bomb threat and that "Base personnel were ordered to shelter-in-place while base officials called in explosive ordnance disposal experts who are on island to investigate the threat." USAF Spokesperson Tech Sergeant Michael Andriacco says he could not provide further information as to how the threat was made or the next steps, other than there is an ongoing investigation.

No injuries or damages were reported, and at about 3 this afternoon the all-clear was given, the lockdown was suspended, and the base was reopened.

http://www.kuam.com/global/story.asp?s=12966998&sms_ss=facebook

And he's off!

Caden started taking crawling steps a week ago....but now hes going full force. At only 6 months and 1 week old.

*sigh*

And AGAIN..

What better way to waste time here? We went AGAIN today. Although, it only lasted 20 minutes. We went way too close to nap time.

Driving to the beach...



At the beach!







Passed out.


Here is Caden's first time sitting up like the big boy he is in the water.



But now that I sit here, trying to eat an apple, blog and take my break, Caden is in his room fighting his nap. It never fails...dont ever let this kid take a power nap...not even for 5 minutes...or else you pay.

The weekend went way too fast!

Here is what we were lucky enough to do...







Hard to believe its only Tuesday here. I swear it should be Thursday already. I think its because we are dreading this next week. Base wide inspection/exercise. This means Dada will be camping out in the jungle for 5 days playing war, instead of coming home to be with his family. *sigh* We will miss, yet AGAIN, ANOTHER wedding anniversary. In our 8 years (gasp!) of marriage, we have only been able to celebrate TWO together, in the same place.

6 months

The boy turned 6 months old on August 4th and I can hardly believe it. He is already sitting up on his own, going from any position on the floor his little heart desires to sitting up. He can get to any object he wants, and as of yesterday took a few crawling steps...on video!

On his 6 month birthday he enjoyed his first jar of chicken and rice and loved it. The next night, not so much so we are back to just veggies and fruits for a little while longer. He also got a cupcake with a '0' candle and we sung Happy Birthday to him. He then got to dig into his cupcake, and he did just that. MESS everywhere!

The reasoning for this half birthday celebration is because when Kayla turned 6 months old we did the same thing. We did her half birthday celebration because 4 weeks later she would be saying goodbye to Dada headed off to Afghanistan and he would miss ALL of her firsts from 7 months old to 14 months old. That was A LOT of firsts folks. First teeth,crawling, standing, walking, words, foods..all of it.

Dada is NOT leaving this time, but I thought we would make it a tradition. After all, 6 months is a big milestone. This is already HALF way to being ONE YEAR OLD. And I thought it was hard with Kayla reaching all these milestones. Much harder with Caden knowing he is our last and final baby...until Grandchildren.

4%

We just last night celebrated Caden's half Birthday. More on that later!

For now I wanted to share with you this.

Kayla is 2 years old, and only 23 pounds. On the growth charts she is only in the 4th percentile for weight. However, she comes in pretty tall. She is thin and tall and because of this I mainly put dresses on her. Shorts in her size are MUCH too big. Shorts in a smaller size are much to short in length in the crotch area. Its just plain too hot here for pants, and we have the same issue except because of her height its look shes getting ready for a flood.

Some of her shorts I've had to take in some for her to be able to wear them. But this is 1) a pain, and 2) they dont look as nice on her.

I took pictures of said pile of shorts that I had to fix, but now I cant find the pictures.