I cant believe it

Yesterday was an ordinary day.

I went to check to see if the mailman had come yet since we are still missing one Christmas package from my Mother In Law. (Thanks Guam)

The mailman hadnt come yet but we had a paper on our door telling us the outside of our house (roof mainly) will be inspected on Jan 7th between 7-8 am. This is a yearly thing so no big deal.

Then I saw a blue envelope on the ground, upside down. I wouldn't have seen it if I didn't look down hoping for a package. Weird. Looks like someone just threw it instead of leaving in the mailbox or somewhere I could clearly see it.

Hmm, maybe an invite to a birthday party. There are 2 birthdays coming up for the kids across the street.

I pick it up and take it in the house. I stand near the front door and notice our name is spelled totally wrong. Its spelled Allessai on the envelope. Really weird. Everyone that knows us knows how to spell our name correctly...Alessi and not to mention we have our name tag and rank on our house. A requirement to live in base housing. Weird.

So I sit on the couch and open it. Its just plan card that is pink blue and red and says HI on the front. I open it and there a hefty wad of cash, and a note that says, "a little to help you with your new little one, God Bless."

That's it. No name. An anonymous $200 donation to help with our adoption expenses.

Wow. Speechless.

Today is that last day of 2009.

I hope 2010 brings brings happiness...and complete families for all those who are waiting.

Another down hill

We are yet again going down hill on this roller coaster ride.

Please,

Pray.

And the next annoyance is...

I got email today from the attorney's office telling us we need FBI clearance and fingerprints done. BLAH. Our last attorney with Kayla's adoption didn't request this because we had a military clearance which is more thorough, plus Nick being military with a security clearance due to his job,his fingerprints are already on file.

But, according to our new attorney the Florida statue states we must have them done and only this summer started enforcing it. This clearance is said to take 8-10 weeks. Yes...that long. And the baby is due in 5-6 weeks. Attorney did say it typically does not take the 6-8 weeks as the website says. But, basically I will be stuck there with the baby until these are done if they are not completed prior to placement. I don't know if this means I will have to stay in FL with the baby or if I can go back to PA with the baby and stay with family. I sure hope I don't have to stay in FL that entire time, in a hotel room, which costs more money.

I sure wish the attorneys office would have told us this sooner. A couple weeks ago when we started our home study would have been great, or even better when we first contacted them about the requirements for the home study more than 2 weeks ago.

You can not expedite this clearance so that is not an option. However, we can mail the request in express mail and include the returning express mail envelope. From Guam this still take 2-3 days each way. So there is a whole week. We can mark on the outside envelope and cover sheet ADOPTION needed by __(date)__”. And we are told they are great about getting them back quickly.


All in all, if the attorney's office isn't concerned about timing, then we shouldn't be either. But in a situation like this, easier said than done.

Contest

*Above picture is not mine, it is from Mrs. R's blog, The R House. She knew I needed this right now.*

Nope, not the contest as in competing in a fun game. But a contest in who will win the love of this baby?

We been contacted buy birth father and is contesting the adoption. Yes, you read that right. We found out the day before Christmas Eve. This is the longest weekend ever. EVER.

I'm still trying to believe.

I cant go into details here but thats all I will say about the situation on here because I dont know who reads this.

For this reason, we have to move and act fast as well as protect ourselves from hurt.

I will be picking up Kayla's passport on the 29th, this coming Tuesday. And be off this island headed for Pennsylvania soon after in hopes that me being closer to FL will indeed help this process along with more ease.

*From Mrs. R.'s blog*

believe.
it's my new word.

believe that there's a plan.
believe that Heavenly Father loves you.
believe that He only gives the good gift.
believe that there is light.
believe that you can make it.
believe that you are a survivor.

believe.

believe in the sealing covenant.
believe that it is more powerful than time.
believe that it is more powerful than DNA.
believe that it is more powerful than death.

believe.


Mrs R. I hope you dont mind me reposting your words and your picture.

NAME!

Ok, so we have a name....and its a secret. ♥

Merry Christmas!

To all my dearest blogger friends,

Please Have A Merry Christmas.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve for us so I may not blog for a couple days.

Some updates here:

*We are 7 days BINKY free! The only sign left of baby hood are diapers. Our girl is growing up too fast.

*We are still undecided on name. We cant seem to agree. The names I like, Nick doesnt and vice versa. Nathan seems to be the only one we can both agree on, although we don't love it.

*Talked to birth mom this morning, she is doing well although she says this pregnancy is the worst of the 3. She is very uncomfortable.

*Sent birth father a message today letting him know of the adoption plans. We shall see what he says back. Keep your fingers crossed he doesn't cause trouble.

*Kayla can now count from 1-13 all by herself.

*Kayla is now starting 4 word sentences.

*In a few days, she will be 17 months old. I don't know where the time has gone.

Here is a picture of Kayla 1 year ago today, 23 Dec 2008 and a picture of her on Christmas day 1 year ago, 2008.

PLEASE VOTE!

The name we had picked has gone out the window. Boy names seem to be more difficult for us.

So please vote. The poll will be open for a week, until Dec 28th. You can vote for the name you think is best on the upper right of my blog.

Please vote.

A special Christmas Package

Yesterday Kayla got a very special Christmas package. I am so thankful she has a Birth Father that loves her the way she deserves to be loved. I'm hoping this will help her with that fact that she is adopted easier on her in the future. She is one lucky girl. And I am an even luckier Mama.

Other news, we think we have a name for baby brother. Im going to sleep on it a few nights and make sure we are sure. But Im pretty sure we are sure. Its the ONLY name we both said we really like. And funny thing is, my sister thought of it! For school her and her boyfriend had to take care of a baby doll for 4 days and it's the name they gave their baby doll! hehe!

Ok, onto the good stuff. Pictures....

Worldless Saturday

Because it's my blog and I can.

It's now official!

There are a million details from the past few days.

But, the most important news is that I now feel safe to say 'It is official'.

We are having another baby.

Retainer fee is paid to the attorney.
The adoption disclosure contract is signed and in the mail.
Our home study's individual interviews are complete.
The final interview of us together is on Monday morning first thing in our home.

The next steps: the attorney contacting birth mom to complete paperwork and sending the adoption plan notification paperwork to birth father in the mail.

And getting Kayla's passport back next week.

And....picking a name.

Kayla's biological baby brother is coming home.

Phew!

Explaination for my last post

First...

I know I have said a million times how appreciative and thankful I am for all my friends here in blog-ville. But really I do mean that with every being of my heart. No matter if the roller coaster of life is up or down, I can always turn to you and you can always lift me up. Its very hard being so far away from family and dealing with all this. So all of you who commented on my last post and to everyone..Thank you just doesn't do justice.

Second...

Regarding my last post: I was having a really bad day. Everything I needed to accomplish that day came with an obstacle and at the end of it all, I was so tired and worn out that I was left questioning it all. I was left feeling guilty. At this point my hope level was pretty low. Nick had given up and was unwilling to try in the same way I was. We were on 2 different pages in the story at this point.

Everything I had to get done that day came with a big speed bump that slowed me down.

*It started out at 8:30 AM.

*Kayla and I went to the on base post office to mail a Christmas package and to get 2 money orders for Kayla's passport's expediting fees. There was a line probably 1.5 hours long with only ONE clerk working. So after waiting 10 minutes I decided to leave. Great, got nothing accomplished. (It's freaking Christmas and you have ONE clerk working? Seriously?)

*We walked over to the library to fax our request for home study from our attorney to Guam Social Services. Fax wouldn't work. Tried calling them several times to verify the number. It was correct. Their email isn't working for me either. Nice. Its now an hour later in the day and I still have nothing accomplished but gaining more frustration.

*I finally get a hold of someone and they say I'm going to have drive the request down to their office (45 minutes away).

*I leave the library and stop at another post office off base, but near by. They don't mail packages or sell money orders. (Really? Yes. Wow.) Great. Still nothing accomplished 2 hours later.

*Kayla wants lunch. Stop at McDonald's and they aren't serving lunch yet and the sweet little girl is yelling "french fries, french fries!"

*We drive to the island's Main Post Office(a good distance away) to wait in another line for 45 minutes, but they have 2, sometimes, 3 clerks open. OK good, got the package mailed and got 2 money orders.


*Go to the DMV for Kayla's passport. The government here is so poor that the passport area is in the same building as the DMV, which is just a big warehouse with plywood formed into squares that make little offices. I search the whole warehouse before I find the bathroom and I'm about to pee myself and I'm almost laughing out loud in frustration because I cant believe the day I've had.

*Get in line for Kayla's passport to find out I don't have the correct power of attorney for Nick so I can get her passport without him being present. Great. I NEED her passport asap so we can head to PA after Christmas. Now it will be here 2 days later because they only do passport applications Mon,Wed and Fri.

*Head downtown 45 minutes away to search for the Guam Social Services building. It starts raining, and I cant see. I circle the same area twice and cant find it. I stop and ask for help and eventually find it.

*Again, the government is so poor here that this building doesn't have a parking lot. Instead you have to jump the curb (in my low profile BMW) and park in the grass they have designated for the building.

*Drop off home study request. Get in the car, head home. Have to jump the curb again and I bottom out. Scared me so bad I wanted to cry.

*This is the point I started questioning myself. I was feeling guilty for so many reasons.



As for the adoption....things are progressing for the better. FINALLY. I almost feel safe enough to say "We're having a baby!"

As soon as I get the go ahead from Nick to pay the attorney the $2500 retainer fee, I will then feel safe to officially say it. For now, it is unofficially official!

More details later. ;)

Do I cost more than what Im worth?

I could totally be talking out of my butt here because of the stress I feel that I have caused by wanting this baby.

But today, I am left wondering, "Am I costing more than what I am worth?"

When we first got married, I came across a paper that Nick had written before we got married. On this paper he had goals written down that he wanted to accomplish, if I remember correctly, by the time he was 30.

And until I(*) wanted babies, he had been able to accomplish them.

*Note- I'm saying 'I' because I think Nick would have been content in life without babies.

After 5 years of infertility including more grief than we ever imagined, thousands of dollars lost, 9 IUI's with donor sperm, 2 surgeries for Nick, a shot of IVF, 2 miscarriages and finally the birth of our precious baby girl $30,000 more dollars later, and now the fight to adopt her bio half brother costing even more money....he is left with nothing....because I want to be a Mother.

He is left with nothing accomplished on his list of goals.

Before Kayla he had a start on getting these goals. We found out about Kayla and his car had to be sold. The one and only thing he had to call his. The one thing he could go to and play with to 'escape'. His one and only hobby. I called it his other love.

Kayla was a dream come true. We recovered after the 30 grand in debt, Nick was able to buy another car, and even a nice car for me, and upgrade our old camera to a new one and we had some money building up in the bank again. He was as happy as ever. He had his 'other love' and even had the camera for yet another hobby and something else to call his own. And his wife was now a Mother. He could get back to his goals.

Now today, both cars are for sale, the camera is for sale, the money will disappear and debt will reappear. My fun loving, loud, outgoing, carefree, kid hearted husband has disappeared along with all his accomplished goals again.

Because of me. And I am left feeling like I am costing him more than what I am worth.

Sure, I take care of him. I wash the laundry, clean the house (although I am not the best), I make dinner, I support his deployments and his career and everything he ever wants.

But I also take away the things he needs to accomplish his goals that he listed before we were married. And I give him stress, and not to mention that I cant keep him 100% satisfied in the bedroom, not for last 5 years.

So, Do I cost more than what I'm worth?

unbearable

This stress of all this is almost unbearable.

I want my husband back. *He is physically here, but not mentally here.

I want it all done. I want to push the fast forward button more than ever.

Today Im going to go get Kaylas passport as long as I can find the dang place.

Also going to fax home study request to Guam Social Services and hope it doesnt take too long to get started on that.

15 month well baby stats, and other news

Yes, Kayla is 16.5 months old but we just on Friday got into her 15 month well baby visit.

She is as healthy as a horse (whatever that saying is supposed to mean anyways). But, she has dropped down the 4th percentile on the charts for weight. The doctor has us starting her on a high calorie food diet and in a month she goes back in for another weight check.

Since her 12 month well baby she has lost 1 pound and gained 2.5 inches in height.

She is very tall and very thin....just like both of her birth parents. So I am in no way concerned.

Today is Sunday. Today I'm going to fax the request for home study letter from our attorney to Guam Social Services and hope that we can get our home study on time.

Im also still waiting on an email from the attorney answering a few questions we had, one being if they would accept payments from us. If they cant accept payments or give us a grant within the amount of time we need, then we cant go the adoption attorney route.

The problem with all this waiting is...
Time is even shorter than we thought.

A couple nights ago Birth Mom had some contractions. She went to the hospital, got some meds to stop contractions and is now on beds rest. The nurse told her to expect this baby sooner than due date. How soon? We have no idea.

Kayla still needs her passport. That takes 10 days and I plan to get that on Monday.

So what next? I don't know.

1-12

I dont feel like adoption talk in this post.

But I wanted to say that tomorrow Kayla is 16.5 months old.

And she can seriously count from 1-12 all by herself.

The past 3 days, I cant even keep track of how many times she has done this.

She can point out the capital letter 'A' as well.

And she knows all her colors.

Wow!

Legal Guardianship help?

So I talked to Birth Mom and Birth Mom's Aunt today. They want us to have this little boy as much as we want to have this little boy. They want no one else but us to have him.

I told Aunt that we simply cannot do this if we don't find a way around the large upfront adoption costs. So the hunt is on to see if we can get legal guardianship of the baby, save up money for adoption, then adopt through an attorney and not an agency.
(It just makes me sick we need so much money to give a baby a home. I cant say that enough)
Aunt is going to do some research tomorrow. She has already gotten in touch with an attorney, I believe, and she said she would email me tomorrow after she gets some answers.

She says legal guardianship shouldn't be difficult. She tried to gain it for Birth Mom's 1st born baby a while back and all it required was Birth Mom's consent and other paperwork.

That is the only information I have on how this works. Does anyone else know of anything about legal guardianship? Do you know any attorney's that can help us with getting this guardianship once the baby is born?

Adoption after Foster Care is an option but that would be very last resort, if even at all. Because then the state would get involved and we would probably not get him straight from the hospital and don't even know if they would allow us to take him out of the country.

I dont know.

On a lighter note...much lighter note. We got our new camera today! We purchased this before Birth Mom asked us to adopt baby boy but it just got to us in the mail today. We been waiting impatiently for a month now and its finally here. I haven't opened it, I'm going to let Nick open it when he gets home from work. So once we figure how to use this thing...there WILL be pictures!

And please forgive...I dont know what kind of camera it is! I will let you know when Nick reminds me. ;)

at a loss for a title here....

I got an email this morning from birth mom. I'm due to call her in 2 hours. Hopefully the next 2 hours fly by. I guess I could drown myself in chores, or scrap booking until Kayla's nap time in an hour.

Birth Mom's Aunt wants to talk to me this time, about maybe coming up with some other options such as us taking legal guardianship or fostering the baby until we can come up with the money for the adoption.

So, she really wants us to have this baby boy. And, we really want this baby boy.

We just cant some up with enough cash in time. This includes taking every penny from savings, and maxing out a credit card.

So, may be one of the above options can work?

I did finally after all this time get in touch with some one on a more personal level from the Guam Child Protective Services and she was helpful. She told me not to give up, this is totally possible and we could complete the home study on time with a request from an attorney. The reason they say it takes so long is because of the getting all the documents together. Which we can do in no time. I already have our background clearance and already have scheduled appointments for our physical clearance. Mine is tomorrow and Nick's on Monday. So no problem here.

So, may be it is possible?

I don't know.

I just have to convince my husband this MIGHT possible without breaking our bank entirely and is possible to get our home study done in time.

I just want it all over.

I don't want to give up and wonder if this or that would have worked.

I don't want to continue on and only be let down.

Its such a tough road to be on.

Onto other news,

Kayla has been in her big girl bed for a month now! I don't remember what exact day she started sleeping in the bed, but it wasn't long after her 15 month birthday. She is now 16 months and a week old and doing fantastic in her bed. Its up against a wall and we have a safety rail on the other side of it. She sleeps in there for most nap times and when she is ready to wake up she comes out of her room by herself. I must say it is very strange to give her this much independence. I don't think I am ready for it yet even though she is.

Still..

Still trying to cope over here. It feels like I am grieving the loss of a baby, which in a way I am.

It hurts. A lot.

Be back soon...or a later time. Whenever. I don't know.

*SIGH*

So, birth mom is not having second thoughts, which makes this even harder even though I didn't think this could be any harder.

She wants me to call her today. I need to talk to Nick before I call her so I wont be calling her until tomorrow. Stupid time difference. Stupid Guam.

Ok, so here's the deal

I'm trying to cope with this, put a smile on, be thankful for the little family I do have and move on. I don't really want to get into every single detail, sit here and dwell on everything that has happened. So, I will take excerpts from an email to a friend that I sent.

It just wasn't meant to be this time. And as hard as it was to make that choice and come to terms with it, its the truth.
I was so angry last night when we were forced to make that choice. I was so angry with Birth Mom for putting this on us (even tho I know its not her fault, we really love her so don't send me any rude comments about this), for waiting so late in the pregnancy to do this, for her even able to get pregnant so easy and we nor any of the friends I hold deer to me cannot. I was so angry at the Air Force for not helping us. I was incredibly angry for us living on this island which I give most credit for this not working out financially. (But then, if we didn't live on this island, we for a fact would not have Kayla because we wouldn't have rushed into IVF before moving here and we wouldn't have had the miscarriage when we did and made our adoption website when we did so Birth Mom wouldn't have found us when she did...etc.) I was angry at God for putting this on us, for allowing this all to happen. I had so much anger. So angry...I wanted to just punch a hole in the wall. But 2 days ago, yesterday and, today I'm OK. I know it wasn't meant to be.

Every single step was so difficult. It was such a huge burden to carry since the day Birth Mom asked us to adopt him. It felt nothing like it felt when we found out about Kayla. Nothing even close. With Kayla, we felt like right away she was ours. From the second we were told about her. The whole process just fell into our laps and we somehow had the exact amount of money we needed and the exact amount of time we needed and we somehow knew it would all work out and be OK.

This time it was not like that at all. As much we want this baby and as much as we want to give him a better life, as much we want he and Kayla to be together, as much as I want more babies and as much as I know Nick would be a great Dad to another baby and great as it would be.....we can just feel it isn't what was supposed to happen.

I don't know why. I don't like it. But its such a strong feeling in me that I know it will be OK.


We never did find a social worker that could complete our home study on time. I did get in touch with our social worker who we used for when we adopted Kayla. She said our home study would have had to be completely redone. Which would have required- 3 flight tickets from Japan to Guam (once for home study and 2 for post placement) at $800 PER trip, plus hotel for the social worker and also the fee for the home study at $850.

There was no one else on this island that could have helped us.

I also believe that Birth Mom may be having second thoughts. I could be wrong, but I haven't heard from her in 8 days. I haven't heard from her since that day we talked on the phone for an hour. I tried calling many times with no answer and I'm getting no emails back. This is not normal for me to not hear from her. When she was pregnant with Kayla, I heard from her either daily or every other day.


So with that said...

Kayla and I will be making a trip home to PA next month. We have friends that just moved to Hawaii from here. Kayla and I will get on a military hop (free military flight) and hop to Hawaii and once we get to Hawaii we will purchase tickets to PA. So far the price isn't too bad. A price I am willing to pay to get off this island and feel some cold air. Now, my entire life I have not been a fan of cold weather. I have always wanted to live somewhere that is doesn't get cold. And here we are and 2 years later I had enough. It is too hot. This island is too small. I want to move. And we have 2 more years to go. I do know, someday we will miss being able to go to the beach any day we please. But right now, not so much.

It will be nice to spend time with family and see a couple of my good friends again. It will be great for Kayla to experience cold weather for the first time in her life and if we are lucky enough she may even be able to see some snow.

Wonder how she will like it?

It's not

It's just not meant to be.

Details at a later time.

Seriously

I'm seriously about to give up on all this. Yes, you read that right.

This whole thing so much work, so many bumps in the road and its only just begun. It's not falling into our lap, or falling into place like it all did with Kayla.

I am left wondering if it is meant to be. If it was meant to be would it be this hard?

We are just a hair away from being out of luck. There is no Licensed Clinical Social Worker here that is able or allowed, or willing to help us with updating our home study.

Trust me, I have exhausted ALL options.

Its beyond my vocabulary to describe how it feels knowing that we might not be able to give this a baby home for the simple fact that we cannot update our home study.

For goodness sakes...we aren't asking for a complete start to finish home study. We already have one. It just needs updated.

And it is beyond pathetic that the Air Force (and even Navy, because yes, I even called the Navy base that is 45 minutes away from us) wont let us use their ONLY on base Licensed Clinical Social Worker here because it is 'conflict of interest.' This is really disgusting to me. I have no words for this.

We eat, breathe, live the military....and they wont let us use their social worker? They wont help us AT ALL? Really sad.

I have exhausted ALL options.

I have a headache.

And I'm seriously about to call it done.

Only thing left to do is sit and wait. And hope that Guam Social Services can help us in time, AFTER our attorney submits a request for a home study update and after that request gets passed onto the supervisor and gets approved and then after we get assigned to a social worker. I was told by GSS this morning, they cant promise that it will be done in time.

So, you see we are a hair away from not giving this baby a home.

And this is why I am left wondering if its meant to be.

signature help

And bloggies out there know how I can add my signature to my blog? I have the signature but dont know how and where to add it so that its at the end of every post I put on here.

Bump in the road

So, we hit a small bump in the road.

Nick talked to the attorney and she sounds great. We are going to be using her for sure. She emailed us the adoption disclosure we have to read and sign and send back to her along with a check for half the amount of the Pre-birth, termination of parental rights, consent and placement services, so..$2,500.00.

I been trying to get a hold of BM to let her know we found someone but haven't caught her at home yet. I will try calling her again today.

Our bump in the road is with the home study. Ours is over a year old so it needs to be updated.

I been trying to get a hold of the social worker in Japan that did our first home study with no luck. I emailed her home and work email and even called and left a message. How many more times can I call and email her without sounding obsessed? Truth is, I am obsessed. We NEED this home study done ASAP.

The lady here that works on base that did our post- placement visits with Kayla is no longer allowed to have anything to do with adoptions. The Air Force is saying it is conflict of interest so so no longer can help us or anyone else.

She did email Guam social services to see if someone would be willing to help us, but how long will it take to hear back from someone? We don't have time on our hands here. And with the holidays coming up, that is even less time to work with.

The only other option we have is to have our attorney go get a court ordered home study for us that way Guam social services HAS to do our home study.

Problem with this is time and, court fees. We don't want to have to go that route, so far its looking like we need to. Unfortunately.

We have appointments to update our physicals on the 11th and 14th of December and I'm working on getting our background checks right now. Hopefully by the end of the week.

Yesterday we got Kayla's picture taken for her passport and today we are going to apply for her passport. We are getting her a government passport so we don't have to pay for that, but problem is the timeline for that is cutting it close. It takes about 6-8 weeks to get and we plan on to be traveling within 6 weeks. So, we might have to go pay for a civilian passport downtown and get it expedited which will cost nearly $100.00. But at least it will only take 10 days. Hopefully we wont have to do that.