30 June 2007

Not much to blog about here. 11 DPO today and this is when the nervousness starts to kick in because I know we are so close to getting a BFN or a BFP. I am trying my best to stay positive. I have no signs at all, but that is ok because my last BFP cycle I had no signs either. I do not feel pregnant at all, also like last time. It wasnt until after the BFP that I felt things like tingly boobs and being tired. So Im ok with that. Sometimes I know we will get a BFP and minutes later Im not so sure. I think to myself, with 2 very big healthy eggs and perfect IUI timing it must be a BFP. I mean, just an hour after the IUI I was in pain from ovualtion. I felt just like Jody did with her 2 eggs. Like bowling balls were coming out of my ovaries. And I know the swimmers were in there swimming away at that same time, so it must be a BFP. But then I get scared and think about what if its another BFN? What am I going to do? How will I handle it? How will I feel? What will be the plan for the next try? But then again I change my mind and think about my last BFP cycle. Half way through the 2 week wait I called the doctor's secretary and asked for my next cycle's prescription for clomid and she lectured me about needing to be more positive. So when I think about that, I am positive again and I think we could very well get a BFP.
Ahh..the emotions of this journey truely are just like a roller coater. Up and down and in loops within minutes. But as Aradia wrote in her journal, I have to keep my chin up. Every second of the torture is worth it in the end when we have our beautiful baby. And I would go through it 10 times more.
Everyone, say a prayer for us. We should know on or a couple days after July 4th. Exactly 4 years after TTC.

27 June 2007

Baby pictures of our Roo.

Roo newly born, you can see still his umbelical cord!!

Today is full of birthdays. Today my sister turns 14. Today is also my best friend's daughter's birthday. They are still stationed in Aviano Italy, where we spent 3 wonderful years watching those children grow. I miss them terribly. Today is my Roo's 3rd birthday. 3 years ago today, in Italy, at my best friend's house, I watched him being born. It was just amazing and so human like. Its hard to believe how fast time goes.

Today is 8 DPO. 6 Days until July 4th, testing day.

26 June 2007

Nick and I VA Beach

My SIL Jenn & Alan her hubby

All the kids, no parents!!

Mary,Nick,MeJenn,Alan

My BIL Tony and GF Mary

Me and my sister in law Jenn

Me

Nick and I

This is the longest that I have gone without writing on my blog. Please forgive me, but you all know that this was a busy month for me.

I will dish out all the events starting with the IUI. About 2 hours after my IUI I was in PAIN. I mean, worse then the worst AF cramps but mainly on my left side where I had my 2 eggies. I am thinking it was pain from them popping out and that our timing was perfect. I took toylenol and it didnt help. I took a nap and it didnt help. I could barely walk. It last all freakin day. But if this is my BFP its WELL worth it.

Symptoms, I havent even had time to think about. In fact, until today I only thought of the 2ww like 4 times and today I am 7 DPO. I feel absolutly nothing, except on 4 DPO I had a huge heachache. Almost turned into a migraine. This makes me wonder because my last 2ww when I was pregnant, I had the same thing at 5 DPO. Im afraid to get excited about it. I dont want to be disappointed for the one millionth time. I will test on July 4th.

On Wed. night Nick's sister and her husband flew in from Boston and on Friday night Nick's brother and his girlfriend came. So it was all the kids with no parents for the first time in about 8 years. They all left on Monday and it was sad to see them go. We had a blast. It was so fun and nice to all be together. We took them on a tour of base and the area and went to VA Beach 2 times. Time just went by so fast. Its unbelievable. I cant even believe that Nick is back to work already. It was all a perfect way to start my 2 week wait stress free and I intend on keeping it that way.

I've posted some pictures of our family time. Click on them to enlarge and enjoy.

Tammy, let me know when you get that surge. And thank you for thinking of me all the time even when I am MIA!

Oh and, I saw the famous time again...3:23. hmmmmm?

19 June 2007 IUI day

IUI # 4. Ahhhhhh...finally. After 2 cycles after my miscarriage, I am finally in the two week wait again. I am calm, cool and collected and plan to be for the next 2 weeks. If its meant to be, it will be. If not, try again.The IUI went well. Doc had a hard time finding my cervix. So he had Nick shoot the swimmers on my cervix and said he is very sure that some went into the cervix. This time I feel much more crampy then every before. But its all worth it. Send me all the baby dust you can afford ladies. We need this BFP. We will test on July 4th...EXACTLY 4 years to the day we started TTC.

18 June 2007 U/S results

Today was my ultrasound to check my follies. I took the 75 mg of clomid on cycle days 5-9. Yesterday I had a ton of cramping on my left side. All day long, and I was even tired and napped for an hour and at times felt sick. We went in today at 8 am and my right side had a couple of real small follies. As soon as I saw my left side on the screen I knew it. There were the good eggs. WE HAVE 2 BIG HEALTHY EGGS!! 1 was 23mm and the other was 25mm and they were right next to each other! TWINS? Wouldnt that be great?! Of course, I would be more than over joyed with 1 baby, but twins? That would just be amazing. So, we go back in tomorrow am at 9 for the IUI.

After the ultrasound we stopped at Virginia Beach for a few hours and just hung out in the sun water. Then we went for a walk and ate lunch. We didnt get any pics cuz the batteries were dead....darn it.
It was peaceful, calm and relazing. Just like I want the 2 week wait to be. So we will be visiting the beach again soon I am sure. Its going to be a heck of a long 2 week wait.

Nick has been home for 11 days. Feels so much longer. We have been having a great time together. His parents were just here for 2 days and that was fun. What Im really looking forward to is having his brother and sister here. Its been since our wedding 5 years ago that all the kids were together.

Well, I dont have much to blog about. I'll be back tomorrow to post details of the IUI!

SEND ME BABY DUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15 June 2007

Our spermmies arrived yesterday! And hopefully for the final time, atleast for a couple years. I feel like we have great chances this cycle. As long as the ultrasound shows a good egg or 2, or 3. Maybe our bad luck can surpass us and we will get twins out of it. Wouldnt that just be a dream come true? I took 75 mg of clomid, so on Monday we will see. It makes me nervous since my ultrasound last cycle was a bust with no eggies at all. Darn miscarriage... Oh well, its all meant for a reason.

We got our pictures taken yesterday. I will post them. There are a lot so I will only post my favorite ones. We had fun doing it.

Nick parents arrive tonight. Im going to make a tray of lasgana to eat over the weekend. Nick and his dad could eat that for months and not get tired of it. So thats whats for dinner all weekend!

Nothing else really to report! Sorry if Im boring you...lol.

11 June 2007

Not a whole lot to report.I started my Clomid on Saturday. I decided to combine the 25 mg from my old doctor, and the 50 mg from this doctor, so Im taking 75 mg. I have absolutly no idea how Im going to respond to it since I didnt even ovulate last time I was on it. After all that mess last cycle, Im glad it worked out the way it did. This way Nick is home for every little detail in the baby making process. I think it was just meant to be. I dont know why, but it is what it is.

Things are just dandy here. Nick has been home for 5 days now. It almost feels like he he never left. We got right back into the swing of things. But it also at times feels like, wow, he's finally home!
We been having a lot of fun keeping busy. This week is just full. Tomorrow we might be taking the day to Busch Gardens depending on the weather. On Wednesday night I plan to take him to a pub type bar called Frickin Frigate. They have half price appetizers so we can eat for cheap. Thursday our spermmies arrive and we get our pictures taken at 2:00. Friday Nicks parents arrive for the weekend.
Today he has to go into work for a half day to turn in the rest of his gear from his deployment, then he has to take care of some car issues. And while he's doing that, Im going to go to Jamie's award ceremony at school. Thursday is the last day of school so today she getting some awards for being a great reader. Then tonight we are meeting with Jim and Nancy at 7.
Whew....We never been so busy before! But it's all fun stuff!
I cant wait until next week when my sister in law and brother in law are here. All of the kids and no parents! Whoo Hoo! LOL!

Oh yeah, and here are some pictures of his car. Jim and I got it painted for Nick while he was deployed. He picked out the color to 2 tone it with, and well, we did the rest secretly and he wasnt even close to being able to guess what we did for him. We got the dog tags painted on the car for him and his system in the back we got painted to match his car. Jim come over and Nick hid in the kitchen while Jim pulled it out of the garage. Then Nick walked outside to see his car for the first time. I took picstures of him checking out the suprise. He is over the top thrilled. What a car nerd....enjoy the pics. Click to see them larger.

8 June 07

He flew in at 9:05 a.m. yesterday!! And he's home!!!!!

Also, the doctor's secretary called me this morning. She said start your clomid tomorrow and then do timed intercourse. LOL! I told her I cant, we are using frozen donor sperm so I NEED the IUI. So she scheduled me for the 18th at 8 am, CD 14 and hopefully IUI will be the following day, on the 19th. I just really hope we can get this sticky BFP together on the first try. Wouldnt that be great?

6 June 2007

There has been a change in plans. Nick wont be home until early tomorrow morning. Which is ok with me. Id rather see him early tomorrow morning rather than real late tonight anyways.

I might be MIA for a little bit after he gets home, but I will try to update as much as I can.

My morning didnt start off to well. Im really mad at the doctor's office.
Today is CD 2. I just called this morning to schdule an appt with my doctor on CD 14 to do an u/s for my IUI. The lady told me, your doctor no longer works in the OBGYN section anymore. We currently only have 1 doctor here doing IUIs and he might be already booked for this month so we might have to end up skipping months. What the hell??? I already skipped 2 months cuz of my miscarriage. I DONT NOT want to skip again for something that isnt my fault. She said she will have to call me back today or tomorrow. Im so mad. I am NOT skipping this month. I will do AI at home if need be even though I dont feel confident it doing that way cuz OPK's dont work good for me. Im so mad. grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I know there is still hope for her to call back and say they can do it, but the way she was talking...Im not expecting it. It just really upsets me. They are going to make me wait to make a baby for something that is NOT my fault!? Nothing can just ever go smooth sailing for me, I swear on it.

5 June 2007

Sorry everyone for the hassle of having to put my blog onto private. Now that I know who is reading this, and more importantly who is not reading this, I feel like I can post whatever I want without having to think "I wonder if blank will read this?"
I just felt like I had to cut off all communication with certain "family" members on my side of the ignorant family. I will try to make the story as short as possible.

I never had a relationship with my dad. Never. He spent his married life to my mom cheating on her and just treating her bad. I stuck by my mom's side.
When I got engaged to Nick, they started a gruesome divorce. Gruesome as in, holding a gun to my mom's head telling her she better not leave him. But she found the love of her life and left him.
She is now remarried to a black man. That doesnt matter to me at all. Colors to me dont mean anything, but that fact will come into the story soon.
The last time I saw my dad, my mom, my sister and I were in the Red Lobster parking lot because that was our meeting place for him to get my sister for the weekend. She was only 8 at the time. My mom was scared to get out of the car to get my sister's bike out of the trunk so I did it. I got out, didnt say a word, didnt look at him. I opened the trunk and reached in as my dad walked over to me, pointed his finger right in my face and said " I will NOT be at your wedding with your ni**er loving mom and her boyfriend." I said, "Thats fine, I dont want you there anyways." Thats the last time I saw him and that was summer of 2002.
During the divorce, I got several emails from him. I printed and kept them all for my sake later on. In the emails he went on to call me nasty names. Names that no daughter should hear from her father. Now, the names havent continued but the finger has been pointed at me ever since. I take the blame for everything. Everything that happened is my fault. Everything that I didnt do, or have done is all my fault. Nothing nice is ever said to me. I just ignored it and continued to send nice emails back hoping that being in contact with someone, I can still keep in touch with my sister, who is now almost 14.
What broke the straw a few days ago was an email from my dad's dad. They are just alike. He blamed me for everything. Its my fault that I dont get along with my parents. Its my fault that my mother doesnt want me. ( for some reason she hasnt contacted me in a year and a half and I have no idea why. ( but I continue to send her cards for holidays and such ) He went on to say, how many times did Dad try to talk to me through emails. ( what? Calling me names counts as trying to talk to me?) He said, How many times did I try to call my dad? How many times did I try to see him and his new wife?
But, what about me? How many times has he tried to call me? ( none ) Or come to VA to see me and my husband? ( none ) How many good things has he done for me? ( I can count on 1 hand )
And he went on to say, Remember God does not like ugly.

You have to know that I have not seen this man in about 15 years. About 2 years ago I emailed him telling him hello and how I was. He sent me 2 sentences back and I havent heard from him again until this harsh email.

I am just in utter shock. Are these people mentally challenged? How the heck was I born into a family like this? What in the hell????????????

So I dont need the crap. The ONLY emails I will resond to are those of my sister. And those emails will be limited in details of my life. I dont need the drama, the blames, the bullshit, the stress. For God's sake, my husband has been in Iraq since November, and I had a miscarriage and they dont even take that into consideration. They dont care about me what so ever, and I dont need people like that in my life. So Im done. I have tried for years to make things right, but it really is not possible. I hope that one day my sister understands. I have kept all these emails so one day she can see for herself why I have separated myself from them. I just hope she doesnt turn out like them.

So this is why the hassle with making my blog private. I do not want them reading it, or anyone else related to them reading. I have a big feeling that they "stalked" me online. And on my myspace page, I think that I had a family member or 2 playing messenger. They all just need to get a life, or better yet, get medical help for their issues.

Anyways, I tried to make the story as short as possible. There is a TONS more I could write but I dont want to bore you to death.

GOOD NEWS...NICK WILL BE HOME TOMORROW!
I probably will be MIA for a while on here, and on the NW boards, and on myspace. We have a lot of plans and a lot going on once he gets home. But I will update whenever I can. It might be short updates, but I will try my best. I will post pictures too when I can.

As for the TTC....well, my AF is late. The doctor said it would happen so I have no idea when the next IUI will be. Its just a waiting game now for AF....my life....is never easy.


******UPDATED******** I just went potty and wiped brown!!!! WHOOO HOOO! This means AF is on her way finally! Good things are to come. Nick is comming home tomorrow, and AF should be here... ( which he is NOT going to be happy about ) and we will be on our way to a STICKY BEAN!


****ANOTHER UPDATE**** AF IS HERE! It's Cycle Day 1 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In 2 weeks Im getting my sticky BFP! WITH NICK BY MY SIDE!

3 June 2007

To all my faithful blog readers, I thank you. I am currently having family issues with my side and am cutting off all commincation ties. I just cant take the drama and crap and how everything seems to be my fauly even though I have not seen them in over 5 years, some 15 years +. I just cant take it. My husband is in Iraq, I just miscarried, I have a lot on my plate and I dont need it. I tried and tried and tried to make things ok but it always fails and I cant take it. So, my blog and my myspace are now set to private and can only been seen if I invite you to read and see.So, PLEASE email me, if you would like the invite to continue to read my blog.Thank you for following my journey on my blog.

1 June 2007

I dont have any great news to post today, but I wanted to jot down a dream that I had last night. And the dream "resparked" my feelings if that makes any sense. Let me explain. Before TTC with donor sperm, we looked seriously into adoption. But, I really thought my age ( barely 22 ) would get in the way, plus it was more than we could afford. As we started TTC with donor sperm, the want to adopt dwindled a little. Not completely, as it's still in the back of my mind that I do want to adopt some day. It wasnt a must, or a I really really want to, just a, I would like to someday.

Last night I had a dream that we adopted a little girl who was 2 years old. She was so beautiful and exactly how I dreamt of our daughter to look like. She had the biggest brown eyes with long eyelashes and thick dark brown hair. When she looked at Nick, he just light up like I never saw before.

That was the dream, nothing else happened. So I woke up, and now I really am determined to adopt some day. I could give up that new BMW or Lexus that I wanted in a few years, and buy a baby instead. A car is just for a few years, a child is for the rest of my life. A child doesnt even compare to the car and the money spent would be a million times more worth it to me. Now, to get Nick to agree to this plan, is the only hurdle. He loves cars...

Now, this doesnt mean that I dont want to TTC with donor sperm. I want that more than anything, more than adoption. I wont give up until I get my sticky BFP. But just maybe, after I birth a child or 2, we can adopt. And that dream I has last night, will be 1 more of my many dreams to come true.