Before we could unfreeze
and fly to the closing door,
stop the simple swinging shut
miles across the room,
every one of the big people
could only watch
and lift slow-motion butts
from their chairs at the same time
too late to stop the littlest finger
from being bug squished
in the disappearing space
where door frames wait
to teach those hard lessons
learned when left hand pushes shut
and right hand lets a digit stray
into betraying pain –
not broken, not bone or even skin,
but angry red in need of ice
that won’t be tolerated
no help accepted but the swooping arms
carrying him off to Mama
for a healing snuggle –
where tears play out
a smile sneaks back
and all is sugar lips.
2 comments:
Like how you started with "before we could."
Wasn't clear at first what was happening "stop the simple swinging shut" jams me.
I think you could take out the word "butts" in stanza 3 and it wd still work/flow more nicelier
liked stanzas 4 & 5 best
6 & 7 could be tightened or eliminated to give you the tighter denouement/ending in stanza 8 after the climax of a finger crush.
"tears play out, smile sneaks back, all is sugar lips" <--sweet
technical aside, this is a poem for every family gathering involving small children, and every mother :)
i need to take out too much in my poems. that's why i'm interested in micro poetry. i can't seem to get there :)
Hey Myra,
I agree with what Andie has said, the compliments and the comments.
My notes:
I do think you back into the poem, giving us the action, then the explication of the action, then the continuation of the action. It makes for a start-stop-start rhythm that breaks up the flow of the poem.
I wonder if you could compress the last two lines of stanza four a bit: "in the door's disappearing space."
I'm also not sure "bug squished" completely works, especially in a poem that later uses "digit" for "finger."
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