Fearful

May I share a fear with you? Well let me start at the begining. In October of 2002 I became pregnant with my baby girl. It was COMPLETELY unplanned and a huge surprise. Not to mention the dad, had another girlfriend at the time. I was 19, in college, just starting a sorority etc. But as soon as I knew (which was about 5 seconds after the sex, sometimes you just KNOW)I was in love with my baby. But, I was alone, I didn't tell the dad or my family. I just went about daily life. I remember not having severe morning sickness but I ABHORRED smells. My nose was so sensitive, it was terrible. I went home for Christmas break on December 9 and 10 days later, I started miscarrying, the day I was going to tell my parents I was pregnant. I was devastated. I know that my baby wasn't very old, nor did I know FOR SURE that she was a girl (it was just a gut feeling) but I was so upset. I wanted her. And, to this day, I remember her EDD (07-15) and how she would be starting kindergarten this year. So here's my fear, what if I never get to experience that again? What if I do have trouble conceiving? What if I miscarry again? I know there are many women who haev gone through this, but it's kind of something more to the forefront of my mind now that Im getting ready to get married and hopefully start a family. My fiance has said he doesn't care if we cant have biological children, that we'll just adopt, which I totally agree with (being adopted myself) but on the other hand, a child will be my first blood relative. A part of me. And Im so scared I might not be able to do that again. And i feel bad because there are so many people who are going through this and have over and over and do I really have any right to be scared? I don't know, I just know that I am worried...

Party Hats...

Do you see the party hat on my sidebar? You should definitely go here http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2008/05/nacomleavmo.html (and no, I can't figure out how to get my stupid links to work) because it is a fantastic idea.

For those of you who are (maybe) reading my blog..Im pretty random. Right now, my blog focuses on work (a preschool), education (studying to get my CMA and then my BSN) and my upcoming wedding (10-04-08). It can be quite profanity laden (and I apologize, sometimes) and I am also worried (consumed) by the fact that Im 25, have had 1 miscarriage already and have had trouble w/periods my whole life. I worry that biological children aren't in my future. So Im kind of all over the board. Please say hi and let me know you're reading..

The above link has kind of been a lifesaver. When I miscarried, there was no support, the father of the baby didn't even know I was pregnant, no one did. So I did it by myself, and I've missed her every day since then. I don't dwell on it constantly because part of my feels like maybe, it was the right thing to happen at that time. I was young, in college, and most likely not completely ready to be a parent. But I loved her anyway. Now that I see that there are a lot of women like me, of all ages, I feel a sort of connection (although sometimes I feel like a fraud because I haven't been through all the testing, cycle charting, shots, pills, doctors office visits, and recurrent miscarriages) but I know the pain of loosing a baby..Even one that was unexpected. I read some of the blogs listed on the blogroll daily and have never left a comment because of the above mentioned reason. Now, I feel like I have "permission" to do so and not to be judged...Thank you for that.

Okay..it's 5AM (no idea why Im up before the alarm clock) and I need to start getting ready..

In the last 48 hours I have realized...

I have studied for 22 of them
I have realized that sometimes I HATE studying
That by studying medical terminology, i am classified as a nullipara, primagravida. Look it up.
If my baby had been born, she'd be 4 next month..WOW! Miscarriage is a terrible thing.
I am a HUGE bitch when I am stressed out & working on next to no sleep
Im dating a really nice guy who has some REALLY annoying tendencies
I need to get over it
I want to get married.
I want to have the huge wedding
Watching too many wedding's on television can make you obsessed.
I still want 4 kids..But NOT quadruplets.
In 4 days this house will be full to the breaking point w/friends I consider more like family. This time of year is my favorite..Besides Christmas.
Sometimes I just want to go on vacation, ALONE.
I havent..ahem, had "relations" in almost 4 months. Good grief. Notice how the number 4 just keeps appearing.
I miss the beach. I havent been there in forever. Maybe I can convice deputy E to take me there soon.
He wants to go to Cedar Point I want to go to Kings Island or Holiday World..They are closer which=less driving=less gas=less money..He just loves rollercoasters..Must make a decision.
When I think about people I know who are just living life by the seat of their pants w/no responsibility, it really upsets me.
When I think about the 3 years I WASTED at ISU and how I could have my RN by now, Im really upset w/myself
When I think about the fact that had I said a simple "yes" to caliboy, I would've been married & prob. divorced by now, I say a silent thanks that God gave me the heads up early.
When I think that 4 years ago, I would've had my baby girl, I tear up every single time. Maybe thats why Im so ready for a baby. I miss her all the time.
I need to sleep.
Im off to take a bath, read, & go to bed.