Breathe In, Breathe Out, Just Breathe

I had to tell myself this over & over last Friday. It's one of those things that you will remember what you were doing and where you were when you heard the news. I remember my heart breaking, I couldn't get to my daughter fast enough. I haven't let her out of my sight much since then. DH & I have talked about the future. Home schooling? Private school? Does it matter? We want her to experience the world, but at what cost? What is this world coming too? Murdering innocent babies? My brain still hasn't been able to process this. Parents are BURYING their sweet children. I think about Maci, and I don't know I would survive if anything happened to her or Elaina. I just can't even imagine the sorrow, the fear, the anger, the saddness. It's just too much. Our prayers are going out to the Newtown, CT community. Daily, by many people. We love you all!!!

Trying

I feel like I have missed so much of her life the past 2-3 months. My camera broke back in June, and my picture taking has gone WAY down. I plan on getting that for myself (I don't know if "we" are doing Christmas w/each other this year) as soon as possible.   I've been so involved TRYING to make things work, trying to figure out how to fix our marriage..I feel like a bad mom. She doesn't seem scarred, but children just *know* when things are off. And people keep telling me "kids are resilient..." blah blah. Guess what? That doesn't help. I don't want her to have to be resilient when she's 23 months old. Her life should be nothing but kittens & rainbows right now. And her father & I are just making it hard. The first week after he found out, she had night after night of godawful night terrors, they made ME cry. I felt so awful. And you know what? Her dad had NO idea what to do for her. He's never had to deal with it before. I'm always the one up w/her at night. It worries me when I think that should we divorce, he will have her 2 nights..and literally only knows how to put her to bed, and usually needs my "help" with that. It just worries me.

I feel like he is just biding his time until he has a place to go. I've given him only one ultimatum, that he decide by the first of the year what he wants to do. I've been trying so hard, for the last year and a half & he literally had NO idea. He blames our marriage crumbling on the (humongus) mistake that I made, and that it completely overshadows anything else that was going on. I asked him if he thought things were perfect before all of this happened and he said "what was the big deal?" This from the same man who just 3 weeks ago, right before the shit hit the fan, told me he didn't want to be a dad or a husband and had been feeling that way for some months. Seriously!??! It's very convenient that my stupid mistake would happen. Takes the pressure completely off of him. BUT, there has to be changes on both of our parts. What I'm slowly finding out is that, per usual, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, in regards to being a dad or being a husband. I probably could have handled him saying he didn't want to be a husband, but to say you don't want to be a dad?! There's the door. She doesn't need that in her life. And he tells me it's going to take some time to regain trust in me (which I completely understand) but I tell him I feel the same way. I have to trust that he isn't gonna decide he doesn't want to be a dad/husband again in 6 months. He tells me "I'm a changed man, that will never happen again." And I'm supposed to just believe that. To go with that. But yet, I tell him the same thing, AND I'm working on making things better, and I'm not getting anywhere. He's not softening his heart towards me at all. He admitted I am the only one trying to fix this right now. That is so stupid & worthless. If he admittedly isn't even trying, then we are going nowhere and there is no reason to keep pretending. He's made to effort to contact his works HR department, where they offer FREE, unbiased, marital counseling. It's also civilians who do not work w/other officers, therefore, everything will stay confidential. But he is the only who can set this up since it's through his job. Anyway, I said all that to say this. I feel like right now things are just tabled. We aren't really talking about it. I don't think he wants to stay married & right now it's just about control & he wants all of it, hence not admitting any kind of fault. Ugh. Whatever. We'll see what happens I guess.

Happy December!!

I've never been more happy to see a month end then I was for November to wave goodbye. Figured I'd start the month off w/a picture of our (undecorated, we're doing that today) tree & mantle. I love it. This is my MOST favorite season. And getting to experience it through Elaina is the best. She adores the lights, the trees, all the decorations. And it's almost like she can "feel" that it's a special time. It's fantastic!!

Life Exploded

So in the last month..The following has happened.

• I cheated emotionally (not physically) but just as bad, maybe worse
• E found out, found all the emails. I'm not great at covering my tracks as being dishonest is COMPLETELY outside my personality..usually.
• I turned 30. I feel 60. I look 80.
• I've lost almost 11lbs since last Monday.
• I pretty much cry daily. Most of the time it's more like 39402 times a day.
• We went from definitely, no questions asked, filing for divorce to trying to work things out.
• This happened because, if you read back, he's been emotionally absent for MONTHS. He even admitted that as of a few weeks ago, he didn't want to be married OR be a dad. Yeah. So there's that.
• He has some "come to Jesus" thing w/his Sgt. and changed his mind. At the time, I couldn't. Now, there's nothing I want more then to keep our family together.
• He feels angry & deceived. I feel angry & unloved. We've got a LOT to work on.
• He's been more present since all of this came to light then he has been since Lulu was born.
• I've been incredibly sick. Like I'm actually taking a day off from work, w/o keeping Lulu home with me just to try to recover. I have bronchitis, laryngitis, & strep. Yeah.
• I eat maybe once a day. Diet Coke & energy shots make for a great diet.
• The "my marriage is in shambles" diet is second only to the PPD diet in loosing weight quickly.
• I will do whatever it takes to fix this. The problem? He STILL takes ZERO responsibility in this. No matter what else, the fact that I was emailing/chatting/texting someone else overshadows the fact that we were completely falling apart. This was a reaction to the catalyst of what was really going on.
• If he doesn't realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and own up to his part in this, we're done.
• Another definite for me? Another baby. If everything works out, and we get our shit together, I want to be pregnant by July 2013. I'll be almost 31, Lulu will be 2.5, it's a great age gap. With my medical issues, I cannot afford to be "adavanced maternal age" on top of everything else. I know this seems like something ridiculous to even be considering right now, but it was something we discussed before marrying, and it is a deal breaker for me.
• To have this happen at the holidays, pretty much sucks the life out of me. I'm trying to maitain the status quo, to keep things level for Lulu. She is SO excited about Christmas, about putting up the tree, the decorations, talking about Jesus's birth & Santa. I just want to keep things happy for her.
• We're still awkward around each other, but things are slowly getting back to normal.
• There's nothing I want more for Christmas then for us to work out. I love him with my whole heart.

Please, no judgemental comments. This is my blog. I needed to get this out of my head. I have already beaten & berated myself. I couldn't feel anymore guilty. I was so desperate for any kind of emotional attachement, any kind of attention that made me feel loved. I understand that was wrong, but I was so lonely, so abandoned. Thanks for listening.

Remembering Our Babies..

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day..At 7pm (CST) around the world, babyloss families lit candles in rememberance of their babies..Here's ours..

Forever in our Hearts...
Genevieve Elaine (Angel Day 12/19/02)
Kara Brooke (Angel Day 12/19/08)
Amanda Laurel (Angel Day 03/15/09)
Carson Glenn (Angel Day 07/10/09)
Mayah Leigh (Angel Day 08/16/09)
Hope Love (Angel Day 07/28/11)
Marisa Evelyn (Angel Day 07/08/12)

Regarding My Blog

Well more like "disregarding." Bad blogger. I know. But it seems EVERYTHING has taken a hit lately and the little things that can fall to the wayside, have. Like this blog, though it is SUCH a major outlet for me and I get advice I need (not always what I *want* to hear) that I should be here more often..Alas, I'm not. Also, please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors as I am missing part of the tip of my left ring finger..I got some extra energy today, (I KNOW) and I decided to make a crock pot meal ahead of time, at least get the majority of the ingredients ready, and it called for 6 sliced potatoes & a sliced onion..It's all fun & games til someone is crying from the onion being all juicy & chops off part of her finger. You know, it didn't even hurt that bad, it was just like "wait, I haven't even added the pizza sauce, why are my onions red...ERMAGERD, my finger is on fire and the skin is flapping!!!!!" Something like that. So I'm bandaged up and having a bit of trouble typing..Onward.

On the marriage front, it's literally day to day even sometimes hour to hour. Like Tuesday I was SO angry & so hurt I was looking for lawyers on my phone stuck in traffic. I was DONE. I couldn't believe his selfishness and how hurtful he could be. I was so upset. And I'm just effing exhausted so everything is multiplied 100-fold. Wednesday things were better/normal, Wednesday night my parents kept Lulu, tried to have "fun adult times" REJECTED and fighting. Totally useless. And I've realized that if I'm not satisfied in the bedroom, our house doesn't get looked after. Coincedence? And no, we're not living in filth & squalor, I just let clothes sit in baskets or in the sink for longer then usual. Anyway, today..it was give & take. I had a doctors appointment that laste 2.5 HOURS (90 minutes of it spent WAITING on the doctor, that's another story) so we didn't spend too much time together..But before & after my appointment, things were okay..Minus the fact that everyone tells me the only way he is going to "learn" how to care for Lulu is if I leave them alone..Yeah, and so I did that today, and somehow there is a shelf pulled off the wall, her room looks like a cocaine bomb went off, there are clothes every where and she has a goose egg on her head. 2.5 hours?! WTF!? Seriously!? I don't him to "learn" and her get hurt. It's a no win. Fudge. So I don't know. There are A LOT of days when I think that I just want to be ALONE. Talked to a co-worker who has been divorced twice and she said that you can't just wait around "hoping" another guy comes along w/o any baggage. I told her I don't want another guy, I'd be satisfied alone. If I did get divorced and someone awesome did come along, that'd just be a bonus. It's not WHY I'm having these thoughts. And I'd have to be SO picky to NOT end up back in this situation plus I'd need to protect my daughter from all the Uncle Creepy's out there. And hello? I effing LOVE my husband. I meant it when I said thick & thin, sickness & health, good times & bad. These are the bad times, the hellacious times, the "will it EVER get better times." I don't want to just be done..But, when is enough enough? It seems that, on most days, I'm almost there.

Okay, there's more, but I'm tired and have laundry to fold. I am reading everyone, maybe just not commenting, I know, I stink.

Sharing

I've never been super good at it..Especially when it's something, or even moreso someone I love..Henc why I have ended relationship when the boyfriend at the time decided he wanted to share himself..Anyway, getting off track. Tonight I was thinking about the absolute destruction divorce causes. Though eventually, wounds heal, I cannot imagine inflicting them on my daughter. As I sat watching tv tonight on the couch, and she was in the other room, sleeping, and it was so quiet this little thought crept into my brain "if you guys get divorced, you'll have this quiet 2x per week. She won't be here. I literally hyperventilated. It's making me cry just to type it. To have to pack up my little girl and send her away. Away from the person who makes her feel the safest, who has been her stronghold her entire life, to send her away from her home...because her parents couldn't get their shit together. As it stands, he'd only be able to have her Sunday & Monday. He'd probably drop her off at school and I would see her Tuesday after school. This just breaks my heart. She is my heart, living outside of my body. It would be trusting my husband with my most part of my life..Something he hasn't been to take care up very well up to this point. I can't imagine not being able to just walk into our bedroom & lay down next to her. I don't know what I would do with myself while she was gone. How do divorced moms & dads do it? And I can't imagine how much E would miss if he only saw her 2 full days a week. It's not enough. But he's not spending nearly enough time with her now. I just don't know. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. I don't want her to feel any of this. Hence why I'm up crying and blogging and my husband & daughter is sleeping. These are things he obviously doesn't think about. I even went in there to try to talk to him and I just laid next to him and he said "what do you want? I'm tired." Rejected. Again. He's never put her to bed. He's never brushed her hair, he's never just held her when she was having trouble breathing. He's never picked her up from school. If worse comes to worse, I don't want her to miss me. I want her to enjoy time with her daddy. And she's still a baby. Which is worse, to be unhappy in my marriage, but stay marriage to protect my daughter, or to possibly, knowingly hurt my daughter for my happiness..How much is too much? How are we here again? We overcame so much. Where did our love go? How do we find it? My heart is breaking.

Rain

There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down. ~Don Delillo


I really just want to walk out in my backyard and let this rain wash the last 6 weeks away. Seriously, if there wasn't so much lightening I'd do it. I just want to restart the last six weeks. Well maybe more, from the positive PG test on. Maybe I'd be happier, maybe we'd be better, maybe, maybe, maybe.

I think I'll have myself a big Friday night & go to bed before 11pm. I just want to sleep and wake up rested (we'll see) and my DH be in a good mood. I'm so done fighting.

Life

So I love how whenever I say "I can't handle anymore" life says "Challenge accepted".

DH broke the oven, yep. And since we are so poor, I probably won't have a new one until October. Seriously?! At least the stove top still works, but STILL. The majority of my cooking is not microwave based..It's oven based. F*CK. I'm so pissed at him because he broke it in anger & we have this home insurance that would have fixed it or replaced it for $75. Yeah. Sooo. I see a lot of take out bills in our home.

Thank you SO much for your advice on the sex thing. Let's just say we don't have to worry about having a second child since we aren't even having sex monthly. I just can't go that long. I'm having issues, we are living like roomates a la 2009. And guess what? He only wants to discuss what is bothering him & how to fix it..When it comes to discussing what is making me sad or diconcerted, he literally states that it will have to wait until the money situation is fixed. Seriously?! We may not make it that long. I can only be treated like a second class citizen in my own home so long. I'm just so exhausted, it's causing me physical pain. Nightly migraines, terrible nightmares etc.

Thinking of physical pain, my hip is making me CRAZY. It doesn't help that I'm already a basketcase, then add this pain, & I just want to be medicated & put in a padded room. I've contacted a pain center, I'm just hoping they can get me in soon, like tomorrow soon. It's causing me o have a short temper & that's not Miss Lu's fault, so I need to do SOMETHING.

Just realized my anniversary is 29 days away. *STAB*

S-E-X Question

Let's just say that some of us are more sexually inclined then others in this house...Namely me more then him..So, let me ask you this & please, if you don't want to leave a comment, feel free to email me at mj-tentron@hotmail.com or if you know me on FB, there is great too.

How often is "normal"?
Who usually initiates?
How long does one go w/o before it becomes a problem?

The scene (from the last 3 months). June=1x (pregnant, how is this possible?!), July=5x, August=1x. Seriously?! I.AM.DYING. I know this is maybe TMI for some readers, but, uh, I love sex. And it seems my DH is more of the "take it or leave it" variety. This was an issue when we seperated in 2009 (not THE issue, but one of them). One that he STILL refuses to discuss with me.  I think, in his case, it's hormonal, which, again, he won't discuss. But I'm not just too dead sure how much longer this can go on. I'm a sexual being. I miss intimacy, I miss the lead up, the cuddling, the flirting, etc. So, advice?

Crossroads

I think DH & I are at that place that no couple ever, ever wants to be at. The crossroads where some tough decisions have to be. Where blame is being placed, where exhaustion has set in. Where my will to fight is failing. Where it seems like it would almost be easier to just walk away. Where I don't think I can take any more hurt, any more pain, any more loneliness. Where my breath is constantly caught in my chest. Where I cry every morning on my way to work. Where my heart is breaking into a thousan pieces. Where I am hoping & praying with every ounce of my being that "us" isn't turning into "me." Where my stomach aches because I don't want my daughter to experience anything unhappy in her young life. Where I know she has seen us fighting too much. Where I know the cause of her night terrors, of her anxiety. She is too small & innocent for this. I feel like I am standing over a cliff & right now, even the slightest wind will push me over the edge. I feel like I have fought so hard that I am just spent. I need a partner, not a roomate. My girl needs a daddy, not a babysitter. I love that man more then anyone I've ever met. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I can't breathe.

19 Months

How is it possible that 19 months ago today, she was so tiny, & early & new?

This was the happiest, most longed for, scariest day of my life. Right after this picture, she stopped breathing. I think I blacked out until I was in recovery..Anyway..Today, she is our loving, beautiful, 33 3/4 inches, 26lb, walking, running, talking, stubborn, best-thing-we-ever-did toddler. She is a miracle, so much more then we ever could have asked for. I am the luckiest mama because I am HER mama.

PS: Want me to blow your mind? In 5 months..we'll start counting her age in *just* years (as in she'll be TWO years old..That is just crazy to me!!!)

Quick Vent

• My 18mo. old has decided that oh yes she WILL throw tantrums ALL.DAY.LONG. Neat.
• AF is here..I must've ovulated late (don't know since I wasn't tracking, I thought CD 16, apparently NOT). Glad I wasted like $30 on PG tests..Bahahaha. I'm a moron.
• I had forgotten how much of THE.SUCK. goes w/that first period after a miscarriage. Yeah. That mixed w/all day tantrums, Lord give me patience.
• I am pretty sick of seeing PG annoucements. Yep. I'm that bitter woman. I am excited for my friends that have been trying for awhile..but the oops or the "it JUST happened", not so much.
• I'd love to be able to post on FB, where I am getting the "just relax, it'll happen" advice when it comes to Joyner 2.0 Ugh. Guess what, I'm never more relaxed then when the Mister & I are getting it on. Blunt enough?
• My husband thinks that because he is working a lot more then usual that all the house stuff falls to me. So I'm working 30hrs a week + taking care of Miss E on my days off & after work + doing scads of laundry, vaccuming, the overflowing dishes, mopping etc? Hmm. I don't think so. We're gonna have to have a talk. Cause when I was the primary breadwinner & was working 60+hrs every week, I also did my part around the house, so yeah, this isn't gonna work.
• I'm having a hard time keeping my temper in check thanks to the aforementioned things. I need a massage or a spa day or something.
• Okay, must go finish lunch and the dishes & the laundry.

Things I Realize When I Have Insomnia

• I have been blogging for over 5 years. Seriously?! This blog was started right before I met my husband..Amazing. I can't believe I've kept both around for this long. Here's to 5 more (with both even!!)
• Yesterday, I went to the state fair w/my good friend S. She has 3 beautiful children & an amazing husband. Her youngest will turn one in September & his soft baby skin & everything about him made me yearn to hold another little soul. I held him as much as my jealous toddler would let me. My arm almost have a physical ache because I want to hold a baby, another perfect creation again.
• On that note, AF is a no show. She's officially late. I have absolutely no idea when ovulation occurred (if it did at all, I'm pretty sure it did though) so I have no idea how many DPO I am. I Just know that according to my iPeriod app (don't be jealous, lol), I was due to start this morning. I haven't been late, well, since I was PG. But before that, yeah, I was PG w/Elaina. I've had pretty regular, albeit long, cycles. We'll see. I don't really think I'm PG. Only "symptom" would be ravenous hunger & bo.ob pain, but those are also precursors to AF for me. Hopefully I don't have to have the devil Pro.vera. Ugh.
• I love synchronized swimming. It's so pretty, but some of those girls, yikes!! They are a little scary. Also, why doesn't America have a synchro team? Oh and we love the Olympics around here. Pretty sure I've mentioned that, pretty sure I might mention it again. Letting our freak flag fly =)
• As much as I do love the Olympics, I'm SO ready for our "regular" shows to be back on. We've missed Hell's Kitchen, Master Chef & America's Got Talent. Oh, plus next week is SHARK WEEK & the new Gordon Ramsay hotel show. Both will be fantastic I'm sure of it.
• Since the m/c last month, (which, how has it already been a month? I'd be almost through the first trimester, *stab*), my sweet tooth has been OUT OF CONTROL. I have never had an issue w/sweets..I swear I've gained 20lbs in the last 4 weeks. I cannot stop eating Chips A'Hoy cookies & Entenmanns donuts. It's awful. And if I'm not eating sweets, my stomach is a mess. Yes, I see the correlation. Sometimes, all I can keeo down is pita chips or tortilla chips (especially w/Olive.Garden dressing.). Oh, and at some point, every day, for the last 14 days, I've had a migraine. I'm on my 2nd type of migraine medicine. I was taking Max.alt & it was barely touching the pain. Now I'm on Imi.trex, which is 9 pills/30 days=$500. Yeah. Five HUNDRED dollars w/o insurance..With our insurance, it's free, but again, I can only get 9/30 days, & no they aren't controlled. If I'm having a migraine every days, those aren't gonna last long. The Imi.trex takes the edge off so I can function, but today's migraine started at 3AM and is still going strong. My teeth hurt. I have muscle aches from grinding my teeth & trying not to move my head all day. I figured they were "just" hormonal, but here we are w/no sign of AF coming & I'm still having them. Sucks big time.
• We have had MAJOR storms over the last week. It's like the weather is trying to make up for the 3 months of drought we've had. 10 trees have been struck by lightening in my neighborhood & two others have caught on fire. I'm a little concerned because we have a HUGE mimosa tree in our front yard. That would NOT be good news. And there has been so much rain that our ground can't take all of it=massive flooding. Again, ugh.
• I'm addited to Diet Coke & I'm okay w/that.
• I have MASSIVE crock pot meal making skills. Seriously. That should be an Olympic sport, I'd win.
• Okay, finally starting to get tired. Bed calls.

Distraction

I title my post that because, I swear, as I've said eleventy millon other times, I have tried to sit down & write (type?) an update out over & over..But we have a toddler in our house now (who, yay, hit the terrible twos early) and she has taken over the title of "supervisor of everything everyone is doing & don't you try to do it without her." So yeah, updating is a bit sporadic to say the least. Also, DH is working 395504940295930 hours right now because he is working the state fair, and therefore works 11:30 (or noon, or 10:30, we never know) for at least 12 hours. The first day? He worked 17. WTF. So I don't have much time to myself..Also, our sweet, docile, little bubba, is now a sweet, pushy, stubborn, screaming, banshee of a child. And we sometimes have to leave the room to laugh because she is such a drama queen. She throws tantrums like the best of them, but makes sure to lower herself on the ground so she doesn't get hurt before flailing around like a baffoon. She walks (or runs) everywhere she goes, and is now starting potty training (led by her, not us) and dressing herself. Pretty impressive I think. She can get herself up onto almost anything (the bed, the dining room chairs, the side table) and isn't scared of anything (except trains, and ONLY the ones that go by mawmaw & papa's house, the ones that go by our house? no big deal). She is so exasperating & amazing, that I can't help but love her. She is so MEAN to me, and that's a pretty big issue we are having because we do time-out & taking things away, and I do it just like everyone else, and she fights me or is mean to me, but not towards anyone else that "punishes" her. She bites the hell out of me (tore skin off my forearm & left bruises last week) but doesn't do that to anyone else. She hits/smacks/scratches me, and again, no one else. Ugh. Any suggestions on this topic would be fantastic =)

Anyway, I try not to speak only of my daughter or TTC, but that is what this space has become to me. I'm kind of up on current events (Chik.fila, Olympics, drought, anything else?) but at the same time, some of the stuff going on is so heartbreaking or so stupid that I don't want to think about or debate it (especially politics, ugh, there's enough of that on FB). We are letting our Team USA freak flag fly over here, I didn't realize how IN LOVE w/the Olympics my husband is. He'll watch anything. I guess he's not as into the Winter Olympics (since those are the last one's we've seen togehter)..but he'll watch anything. The other night it was like Judo & Men's Water Polo. Yesterday, basketball (which I think is boring when it's NBA teams). Tonight on the docket is table tennis (otherwise known as ping-pong) & I believe springboard. He just loves it, really gets into it. And Miss E loves to dance to the theme song. I downloaded it from Spotify, and when she really gets going, I just set it on repeat and she dances for a good 20 minutes. She's a really good dancer!! The chik.fila thing? Ugh. Did this get blow out of proportion or what? I do NOT agree w/"some" people deciding how "other" people can live their lives. If 2 people are in love & they want to make the commitment to each other & get married, let them. Seriously. I think about how lonely life would be if I wasn't able to marry DH, if someone took that choice away from me. That's not fair or right. On the other hand, the CEO made a comment, to a Christian magazine, that was his OPINION. Do I agree? No. Does it make him a villain? No. Did pro-gay people really think that a place that is closed on Sundays, making a comment to a Christian magazine was gonna have a float in the pride parade? No. I'm all for gay people being able to get married, and I knew that the owner of chik.fila didn't feel the same way, BEFORE he made it common knowledge. There are a lot of people/owners of resteraunts/CEO's of companies/even...bloggers (aack, I know) who feel the same way & just haven't made it public knowledge. I've made it known that I'm a Christian & church & God are a big part of our lives & raising our kids...But I also cuss like a sailor, had sex before I got married, and believe that no one gets to tell someone else who to love or who they can marry.  Just like I don't think the government gets to tell anyone they have to have healthcare, but that's another story for another day.  And the cherry on top? I believe that God is forgiving & loving and I'm going to heaven. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. And the drought? We're still having one. Everything is dead. It hasn't rained in like 39493 weeks, and we haven't had to mow our yard all summer. That about sums it up.

Okay..DH just walked in ( 2 hours earlier then I expected, yay!!) and we have some Olympics to watch..I'll do Miss E's 18mo update post soon (hopefully before she's 19mos). I am reading & following along..

I'm Just Here

So since the fiasco that was/is "Miscarriage 2012" I am just kind of here. Not really anything exciting going on, doing day to day things, taking care of my toddler (18 months last Friday!!) but I sometimes feel like I'm just going through the motions. And my DH has decided over the last few days to be completely bi-polar. IDK if that is how is dealing w/this recent loss (or if he is at all) but its driving be bananas. I think my hormones are still out of whack, because I am exhausted the majority of the time..That or depression or, now that I think about it, the baby has been having a horrible time sleeping over the last 4 nights. Oh yeah. Ugh. Those 3 combined are big fun. Anyway, I've had 3 friends confirm suspicions of pregnancy. I know that sounds like I'm not excited for them..Probably because I'm not. Well, I'm excited in a way that it's always good to welcome new babies, but not in a way that it's a constant reminder of how far along I should be. One of them is due in March, so when she told me, it was like a gut punch, but whatever. Right now, I'm trying to focus on what I can control & not what I can't. Such as planning a girls getaway & a fall getaway..Both to Gatlinburg..Miss E hasn't ever been there..Well she was back in 2010, before we even knew she was on her way, but she was there :) Our girls getaway was so much fun last year, we were going to go back to the Dunes, but it's been so ungodly hot that it wouldn't be very much fun, especially since the water will be like bath water, not refreshing. Anyway, I have literally like 3 or 4 posts in the que, but they are unfinished & I just keep going over & over how we lost the baby & how much it kills me. And I just keep rehashing it, kicking a dead horse, chewing the cud, etc. IDK why some of the m/c affect me more then others. Our first one (in 2008), our 5th (in 2011), and this last one have really brought me down. Each for different reasons. Some I can put my finger on (our first pregnancy), and some I can't..Like this latest one. I feel like I should've known. Not told anyone, not gotten excited, etc. But I didn't. I allowed myself to feel. To hope. Dumb. Okay, my stomach hurts (as it has for weeks now) and I'm gonna go let my Olympic freak flag fly.

Fear

Maybe it is this latest miscarriage, maybe it's because I've been reading so many books on the Holocaust, or maybe it's just because sometimes I just think too much..But lately, I've had thoughts about how I would survive if Lulu did not. Especially while she was in the NICU. I've never told anyone this..but we had her funeral planned. When your baby is born, cries once, and stops breathing & the next time you see her she is hooked up to a gazillion machines, one that is helping her breathe, that's kind of where your mind goes. And lately..It's almost like a little spark on the back burner. And I don't know how to shake it. If I lost her, I can't even put into words what would happen to my life. I don't know that I would know how to live. I don't remember life without her. She is my heart living outside my body. I can't imagine God would be that cruel, but it happens all the time. It has happened twice, in the last year, to someone close to me. I read babyloss mama blogs sometimes, realizing that life does go on, that these are the strongest women on the planet, and yet, I don't know if I could do it. I guess, in some respects, I have. We've lost 7 babies. My gosh, putting it out there like that makes it seem, so huge, so I can't even explain it. Seven. Isn't seven supposed to be a lucky number? Hmm, obviously not. Seven what ifs, what could have beens. Seven futures gone in the blink of an eye. I really hope we don't have to go through this again. Because obviously, it's weighing pretty heavily on me. I realize that it *might* do me some good to talk to a therapist, but seriously, I don't want to re-live the miscarriages, the pain, the excitement, the disappointment, the anger, etc. over & over. Espeically with a stranger. But it makes me hold our miracle girl that much closer, give into more of her whims, not punish her as "strongly" as maybe I should. We love on her all the time, my heart almost bursts when I see her after a long day at work, I refuse to stop co-sleeping until she is ready, and I really want to make her a big sister. I want her to have that experience. I think I just needed to get this out there that I do have this fear. Hopefully, writing it out will help put it to rest.

Wuss

I didn't called Dr. J yesterday as I had intended..Mostly because I was curled up in the fetal position WILLING the pain to stop. It was *close* to the pain of those first, early contractions. It hurt all the way around my pelvis and up my back. I was in tears a lot. And the blood. Oh my goodness. I thought I was hemorrhaging again, had to keep a close eye on it for a few hours. But it has seemed to slow & the pain has let up. Then, his nurse called today & he wants to see me to discuss my plan..Of course he does, now that my baby had died. I was like, um, sure. So yeah, I didn't tell anyone off like I wanted to & even set up an appointment for August. If I'm not seeing a new RE by then, or even if I am, I'll go to that appointment. Mainly because he NEEDS to know how horrificly he f*cked up. That this is not okay. That I CANNOT go through this again. I need to be monitored, maybe a little more closely?! WTF. Ugh. Obviously, I'm still pretty pissed. Hopefully, I'll have my courage up by then to be able to tell him how I really feel.

Oh, and can someone please explain why my husband chose NOW to decide to fight w/me over petty sh*t? He wanted to act like he was in denial I was even pregnant, even going so far as to try and tell me "maybe you weren't" and we literally had a such a fight that I had a bag packed for the baby & I and we were leaving..Seriously. I don't know what his problem is, but it seems to crop up every few weeks like this..and I love him w/all my heart, but I'm his wife, not someone he can just rant & rave at for no reason. And to choose the days I'm miscarrying OUR baby to fight with me, when he knows I'm weak & emotional?! That's just horsesh*t. I was so, so pissed & hurt. And when we talked about the whole situation later, he denied that he had been anything but "frustrated" and couldn't see why I at ALL thought he was mean or degrading. Sometimes, seriously, he's an asshat. Today was a little bit better, but that's probably because we both worked. Ugh.

I think for now our 2nd baby plans are on hold..We will obviously keep trying, but until we get a new RE or I guess get a plan from Dr. J, there's not much else we can do. I bet Dr. J is going to try to get me to do injectibles, which we cannot afford and w/the Clo.mid, the first 3 cycles, our timing was just off, so I don't think that's an issue since I responsed so well each time. We just have to remember to make time for "coloring."

Okay, I'm sleepy & in pain & there is a cuddle bug in our bed just waiting for me to snuggle up next to her..Yep, 17 months & counting of co-sleeping..and I'm totally a CS advocate. Never thought I would be, but there is no place she sleeps better..and CIO is just NOT for us. No one should have to fall asleep crying, especially a baby whose only means of communicating is tears. It's ridiculous. We tried it last winter for maybe 2 days. Yeah, it broke my heart. I'm not gonna let her just scream like that. She usually starts off in her bed for 3-4 hours, then comes to our bed about the time I'm headed to bed (between 11-1) and then sleeps until 6am, usually w/one wake up for water. Lately, she has been a TON more clingy (I believe that happens at 17-18 mos) and so she's only been staying in her bed for 1-2 hours, which is okay w/me. I have to lay down w/her to fall asleep, but once she is, I can do my thing or go to bed as well. It just works for us, and nothing is better then waking up to her smiling face. Love that girl =)

Struggle

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."


7 miscarriages in 3.5 years. I'm averaging 2 per year. I cannot continue this way. We are not done building our family. God has more babies in store for us. I understand that "everything happens for a reason" but when a DOCTORS bad decision is the reason for this happening, I can't help myself, I'm angry. I'm so sad, that today, at church, as soon as my momma hugged me, I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. My momma went through eleven years of TTC before I came into their lives. She had at least that many miscarriages. The last one was when I was 18 mos old. It almost killed her. She knows my pain. She cried with me. I just couldn't keep it together. And I have for the past few days. I needed to be strong for my daughter. But this time, I just couldn't, because my other daughter was leaving my body. Her spirit was gone. My baby, our baby, Lulu's sister. Gone. And usually, (as much as I hate to admit this) I'm pretty pissed at God. This time, my anger is directed in a more earth-bound way. Tomorrow morning (well later today) as soon as I can call Dr. J's office, I will, and the words I will have for him will not be kind or thankful. They WILL convey the deep sense of loss and hurt that I feel. He failed as a doctor. And he helped us get our miracle, our sweet girl that slumbers peacefully in our bed even now. But, because he CHOSE not to answer my calls, to take my information, to SEE me, fully knowing my history, there will be no second chances. I cannot continue to put my body, my mind, my HEART through this. I need a doctor who cares about his patients, and whose nurses feel the same way. I hope we can find that person..

I will admit that there was a little bit of doubt with God. I prayed, w/o ceasing from the time I saw that 2nd line. And now, I just wonder why? And I asked God if we were to be finished w/our family building, and if that was the case, to give me peace with that decision. The peace never came, but the answer "no" did. No, we are not finished building our family. Somehow, we will have more children. And "no", now is not the time. Why, I don't know. But that is the answer.

I'm really having trouble getting my stuff together. After the secret m/c last July, I think I was so surprised we had gotten PG on our own, and so soon after my 1st PP cycle, I was able to just, almost ignore it, and move on. Not so much this time. I feel like I did after the m/c before we had Elaina. I just want to sleep. All day. I want to eat Dunkin Donuts, and pain pills, and anti-depressants until I'm full & numb. And then sleep some more. And the pain, oh the pain. It's intense. It makes me want to be sick, and it's all over my body, but the jolts being sent into my hips & down my legs, ahh, those are fun. I think all miscarriages should come w/either an epidural or Fen.tanyl lollipops. But today, when I was at my lowest, when the tears wouldn't stop, when sleep wouldn't come, in walks my miracle, my little girl, the love of my heart. She said "up mama, up" and I pulled her onto the bed with me where she was content to let me snuggle her, to smell her hair, and for me to realize, this is what God provides. I have lived through 6 other miscarriages to come out on the other side with this amazing little girl. I will come out on the other side of this miscarriage with another miracle. Another life that God created. She then reached up & grabbed my face, pulling it into hers and kissed me. "Mama, love, mama, love." And the healing of my heart began.

And Like That, She's Gone

This baby was a girl. I promise you that. Marisa. And this morning, she's an angel. Well, she probably has been for a few days, but this morning, the blood came. Lots of it. I'm scared that I'm headed for an ER visit if it doesn't stop, or at least SLOW down. Clots. My baby. My sweet 2nd daughter. And the worst part of all this? This could have ALL been prevented. I could still be happily only able to keep down pita chips & Sprite Zero, oh & lemonade, the lemonade craving was vicious. I'm so hurt, angry, numb, scared. But mostly, ANGRY. Thank goodness I'm already on Cym.balta, or I would need a high dose of something. Last night, it was a bottle of moscato. Yep. All by myself. And I slept like the dead. And this morning, though I wasn't prepared, there was pain. Lots of it. And I'm fucking glad. Because pain means she was real. I wasn't crazy. I'm not crazy. My body knew, and my doctor, who took the oath to "cause no pain" or whatever it is, did. HE is the reason Marisa Evelyn is no longer alive. I hope church brings some peace, but for now, I'm numb.

Waiting Game..*Updated*

Caved & went for a blood draw today. Apparently, according the Dr. J "two faint positives+negatives+no bleeding=inconclusive". Umm, are you sure!? Ugh. I had the nurse go ahead and write the script for the Pro.vera (hopefully no D&C will be needed) and she was all "have faith..blah blah" and all this other optimistic shit..Lady, after you've had six (this one will make seven) miscarriages in 3.5 years, YOU be optismist. As The Rock would say "know your role & shut your mouth." Now, the waiting begins. I think they make the "bad" calls last, so thats where I sit.

*Update*
You know, sometimes, I HATE being right. Miscarriage confirmed. Not viable, etc. So that makes 7 miscarriages in 3.5 years. Fantastic. Shoot me now. And this could have ALL been avoided. Seriously. I called almost TWO weeks ago w/news of my positive test...and was told to wait until 14DPO. Are you fucking serious!? This is the doctor that DIAGNOSED my clotting disorder, who told me THAT was the reason for all of my early miscarriages, and his NURSE is telling me to wait to come in!??!?! He is the one who told me that I have to get on Lov.enox ASAP in order to have a successful PG. Apparently. I said this much when they called. I also informed them I will be seeking a new doctor for treatment & the nurse said he'd want to see me first. Fine. And discuss what!? How it is his fault that I was pregnant less then a week ago & now I'm not!? Because that's the truth. I'm so angry I could scream, and so numb that I can't cry. Oh, and just for fun, my pharmacy closed at 6pm when I thought it didn't close til 8pm. So, I can't get the meds to get this shit going OR get the Vico.din. Nice. Glad there's some moscato chilling in the freezer. FUCK.

I Have To Get This Out

I'm pregnant.

And already terrified I'm going to loose this baby. The symptoms are ridiculous (extreme all day nausea, sometimes gagging, exhaustion, sore bo.obs and oh, the faint + FRER. My doctor won't do any blood work (WHAT!?) until next week since "you're so early, something could still happen." Well thank you so much for that vote of confidence. If AF hasn't showed by next Thursday, then they'll do my work-up & I'll start the Loven.ox. Please, please, please let this be the best b-day present DH has ever gotten (my EDD? 03/15/13..his 28th b-day)

A Request

I literally have 3 posts in my que just waiting for me to finish them. IDK why I haven't. Well, that's not true. Things have been kind of up & down around here lately. But more on that later. For now, please, please, please go flood M with love. She just lost her triplets on the 9th. While reading her story, you could literally feel her anguish through the screen. When we had our last miscarriage, I literally thought I wasn't going to be able to survive..This is so beyond that. And in such a horrific way. I just can't even imagine continuing to live life. Her babies were a week away from viability. One week. I know you, my readers, are some of the most empathetic and loving people. Please, just let her feel the blogsphere wrapping her up in our arms.

A better update will follow later, after Miss Thing decides SHE is ready for a nap. Argh.

Q&A Because I want too

Feel free to repost this & let me know if you do so I can read your responses..It's kind of a mash-up of two Q&A meme's I've received lately...

1. What is your all time favorite food? PASTA, hands down. Almost any kind..Well I don't like anything w/seafood, but that's because of the seafood. I love carbonara, alfredo, marinara, vodka sauce, chicken parmagiana, etc. I live for pasta, and I love cooking it.
2. If you went to college, what was your major? If not, what was your favorite topic in high school? Well I went to college 3 different times, finally graduating in 2008. I started Indiana State University in 2001, majoring in secondary education w/an emphasis on government & history. It was not to be. I had a bit of a mental breakdown due to being in almost constant pain due to constant migraine headaches & 3 repeated cases of double lung pneumonian in 2004. Yeah, I was about a semsester away from graduation when I had to quit school. Ugh. My parents were thrilled. Between 2005 & 2006 I went back to school, first for nursing which I quite because I AM A MORON and then for early childhood education, neither of which I got a degree in. Sallie Mae LOVES me. Then, in 2006, I was focused and ready and in January 2008 I graduated w/honors w/an associates degree in medical assisting. Pretty darn proud of myself. It also means that I have the majority of the pre-req's for nursing finished. I just need to go back & get my BSN. Most likely after babies.
3. If you could change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be? Hmm..this is tough. If I could change one thing about my body, I'd get rid of this freakin infertility. I'd fix my uterus & whatever else is wrong. But if it has to be a physical change, it'd be this beautiful c-section "pouch" that I acquired after having Lulu-Bean. But at the same time, if we have more babies & I have another c-section or 2, then what's the use? Maybe stomach surgery after we're done having babies.
4. Beach or mountains? Again, a tough question. The beach would probably win. I just feel at home there, I love, LOVE water, and the sand, and the sun & just all of it. Part of our 5 year plan is to move south to the Gulf Shores/Orange Beach area to raise our babies by the shore. But at the same time, we ADORE the Great Smoky Mountains, and we love the Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge/ Sevierville area and the people there. We could totally see raising our babies there as well.
5. What is your favorite color? Purple. Bar none. All shades. My bedroom in my parents house was a light shade of violet, all my bedding etc was of a purple pattern. Right now, I have heavily influenced Lulu's room to be BRIGHT colors, but I haven't gone in the purple direction..Hopefully she will love it too and we can do that in a few years. Oh, and Maci has a purple room and she told her mamaw that purple is her favorite color because it's mine too. Love =)
6. How tall are you? Well, after years of being CONVINCED I'm 5'8 and telling everyone as such (I think I was measured in high school) I seem to have shrunk!! The other day at my PCP's office, I only measured 5'6. Ugh. A shortie. Oh, and when I looked at what my "ideal weight" for my height should be, I almost went completely off the deep end. Seems I have about eleventy hundred pounds to loose.
7. If you could go any place in the world (and money is not a factor), where would you choose to go? Well, I'd want to go island hopping. I think the ocean is so gorgeous, and I've only ever seen the Gulf of Mexico, the Atlantic & Pacific. So I'd want to go to Fiji, Bali, Barbados, St. Maarten, St. Kitts & Nevis, Curacao, Australia etc. Oh, and while in Australia, I totally want to go to the Australia Zoo, the one owned by the family of Steve Irwin, just FYI =)
8. Who is the biggest role model in your life? Can I have two or three? My parents and my husband. My parents because they've taught me how to get through life being a nice person, but not to get run over. Just because you're nice doesn't mean you put up w/constant sh*t. My dad is a retired (but still on the reserves) police officer and has always been a pillar of strength to me. My mom is a retired school teacher, but now runs our church preschool. She has always had a soft spot for teaching & loving all children. She is very educated (a BS & 2 masters degrees) but she can level with anyone. She doesn't act all high & mighty. Also, my parents suffered through 10 years of infertility and over 12 miscarriages before God brought us together through adoption. I am so lucky that my mom & dad got to choose me. And my husband, the love of my life. God brought us together as well. We met in May 2007, were engaged by Sept. 2007 & married in Oct. 2008. It was literally love at first sight for me. He is also a police officer, and my hero. We just fit together. I'm usually being sassy & sarcastic & he is calm & collected. He grounds me & he loves me to no end. And we make pretty smart & beautiful babies..he is a great daddy!!
9. When you die, who do you want to be remembered? As a God fearing, family loving, strong, stubborn woman. I want people to remember how much I loved my family, and how great my kids turned out to be.
10. Do you have a favorite quote? Can I have more then one of these as well? Here goes.
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts." -Abraham Lincoln-
"I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent." -Anonymous-
"For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted me what I asked for." 1 Samuel 1:27
11. If you could change anything...I'd make fertility treatments COVERED completely by insurance. It is INSANE how expensive fertility treatments are. It stunts so many people. In my SIL case, they have spent over $4000 because nothing was covered by their health insurance, and she still isn't pregnant. In our case, if we have to move on from medicated cycles, to injectibles, we'll have one shot MAYBE two in a year becuase they are $1200 a pop. Most medical procedures become less expensive as time moves on & new ways are found. Not fertility treatments. It's crazy, and insurance companies need to realize that people want babies so bad, money shouldn't keep them from their dreams.
12. What do you want to be when you grow up? Hmm..well it used to be an OB/GYN. But since I'm almost (gasp) 30, that's too much school & too much money. So I will definitely be going back to school to get my BSN & hopefully my MSN..I think if we haven't conceived w/in the next year, I'll be taking some tim off TTC & going back to school. We shall see..
13. Do you have a favorite season? Which one & why? If you been reading me for some time, you know my favorite season is Autumn. The crisp fall air, pumpkin patches, chaging leaves, apple orchards, Halloween, Thanksgiving, the build up to the "big" holidays, warm sweaters, babies in little hats & gloves, football, the World Series, hayrides, bonfires, our anniversary, my birthday etc. I absolutely love the fall, I love the Indian summers, and the first frost & the first time we turn on the furnace. Our house is decked out to the 9's during Autumn & the Christmas holidays.
14. What is your fondest memory (childhood, teenage-hood, adulthood)? Well, my fondest childhood memory is all the vacations we took. My parents made sure that I got to visit a lot of places (I've been to 45 states) and they instilled how important spending time together was. We hope to do the same for our kids. The teen years were tough, I'm sure they were that way for everyone. I went to a private school & it had a LOT of cliques. It was hard for me because I was popular w/everyone. If the "pretty girls" didn't want me to be friends w/the "nerds" I wouldn't do it because I wasn't that kind of person. So, during our Sr. Banquet (yep, no prom) I was voted "Most Likely To Run The World" by all of my peers. It was pretty mind-blowing and humbling that people thought that much of me. And adulthood, I would have to say our wedding, moreso getting to marry the love of my life..and of course, being pregnant & giving birth to our sweet girl.
15. Name one thing you absolutely love about your sweetheart. I love how he "gets" me. He knows exactly how to make me laugh, and he knows when to let me cry. There are times when we don't even have to talk & he knows what I need. He truly is my soul mate, as cheesy as that may sound. Now, we have our fair share of arguments, but truth be told, that's mainly because I'm so damn stubborn, and he lets me be that way to point, and then he puts me in my place, and I need that. He is the most amazing man I've ever met.
16. Tell me one thing in the past week you did that you are proud of. I kept my cool at work. It's been damn near impossible to be fake & nice & act like nothing happened, but I am taking the high road. I'm nice, but I don't really venture any further in coversation other then "hi" or "bye" unless it concerns work & I have to converse. It's really about self preservation at this point.
17. Tell me one thing you love about your body. I don't know. This is a hard one. My body & I still aren't really on friendly terms after 7 miscarriages & going into labor 5 weeks early. At the same time, it's pretty amazing what the body does to protect the growing baby. Probably the thing I love most about my body is my eyes. They are blue-gree w/gold flecks. And they change color. It's the coolest thing. They turn almost green when I am really excited, gray-blue when I'm sick, and almost a cerulean blue when I'm angry. My husband says they are the most beautiful eyes he has ever seen..Oh & Elaina's? Are almost exactly the same =)
18. Looking back on this journey, what is one thing that infertility has taught you? There are so many things I have learned, it's hard to narrow it down. It will break you, and it will strengthen you. It will change your relationship with God. When you finally do see that positive pregnancy test, that first ultrasound, the 3D ultrasound, & the first time you hear your baby's cry, you realize it was all worth it.

Okay, this literally took me 3 days to finish, lol. We've been busy & Miss Lulu has started WALKING!!! So she is everywhere all the time. Please let me know if you re-post. Also, we have had INSANE storms all day. They've been kind of cool & a little scary..Hope all is well w/all of you.

Longish Update

Could I suck more at blogging this month? I don't think so. There has been an epic f*ckton going on..so in a bulleted post..

• Due to petty, highschool gossip, I was fired from my job last Tuesday. Yep. Fired over gossip. I have a coworker that was found HIGH w/a bag of weed at work and she kept her job. I was fired becuase my boss was mad at me. Petty.
• I was re-hired that same day because the person who made up this sh*t about me didn't realize that I had kept all of the incriminating text messages that she had sent me about stealing money from the company & purposely making problems.
• Guess what? This same person got to KEEP her job. Again, I was fired over gossip, she was CAUGHT stealing money & kept her job. Mhhhmm.
• After speaking w/the doctors, they agree that this was a situation that was taken WAY to far. Seriously. Gossip. A story was made up and I was fired over it. My boss feels like she is the victim & a martyr..positions she plays very often. As I told both doctors, my husband wants me to quit because the other person got to keep her job & she is just plain poision. As evidence kept coming out, it was shown that she was actually the problem, not me. Again, her job was never even threatened. Can you tell that I'm pissed about this?
• Both the doctors said that I am doing an amazing job & that they need me & that K (my boss) needs me & they can't afford to get rid of me. Agree.
• About 3 weeks ago, I told K that Dr. B (the one who had a baby last September & who I told her I was having PG dreams about her) was PG again. She asked how I knew and I told her it was just a feeling, plus I had seen her wearing a looser shirt (usually her stuff is SKIN TIGHT). Turns out she's between 4-6wks pg. I told her I guessed her EDD at 12-15 or 12-27. She'll find out next week. I'm a psychic.
• I've ovulated on my own the last 2 months, and both months we've missed the window. UGH. Seriously. We're starting Clo.mid again next month w/the Ovi.drel trigger. Because obviously we need to be told when to have se.x. I'm SO ready to be pregnant again. SO ready, I can't even explain it.
• Everytime I bring up doing another medicated cycle, DH gets super defensive and almost shuts down. I have no idea what the problem is. We've discussed, he says he's on board until it comes down to doing it. Like he just stopped by home to have some dinner, we were talking about it, and he just hurts me. He gets defensive & shuts me off. IDK what else to do. I think that's why we've missed our last 2 times. I'm just so done fighting about it. If he wants to be a one child family, then he needs to speak up.
• The baby is still not sleeping through the night. She is having night terrors every single night & it's something I'll definitely have to bring up next Monday at her 15mo appointment. She's also boycotting naps, which she stilll needs, but I think she's afraid to go to sleep because of the aforementioned night terrors. It's also making our bedtime routine big fun. Ugh. Poor baby.
• Okay, RHOA "Don't Be Tardy for the Wedding" is about to come on & I love Kim Zolciak, so yes I will be watching it. Love to you all!!

I'm Really Here

Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been a bad blogger. I just don't do it as often as I need to. It really is therapeutic..Anyway, I'm still here, I'm still reading...and if you could, please go over to Birdie and give her a hearty congratulations..She has had her first & second beta's and the numbers are leaving towards twins. She is the one who referred me to Dr. J and they experienced a few failures w/surrogacy..and now she herself is expecting their baby!! I'm so excited for them!!

We are currently on vacation in Gulf Shores, our favorite place. This year marks the 20th year that my family has been coming here. It is so, so fantastic to watch the girls making new memories here. For some reason, this time around, Lulu is scared of any & all water. When we were here last September, she loved the ocean & the pool. IDK what the difference is. I know the ocean is cool, but it's not freezing & we've only taken her in the indoor pool, which is like bath water. And of course, I'm holding her the whole time. But she LOVES the sand, and tries to eat as much as she can get in her mouth before we get to her. Hopefully when we come back in the summer, she'll like the water again. I think the problem might be that she still isn't walking & therefore doesn't feel as "in control" as she would like. Who knows. Otherwise, things have been great!! Well, minus her tatrums (which are actually pretty funny, we have to really force ourselves not to laugh) and she has starting BITING. UGH. I have no idea how to fix this since she is only 14mos old. But she bites so HARD. She breaks the skin 9 times out of 10. Any suggestions? We're lucky that she's not in a daycare situation, I think we'd have a real issue on our hands. And usually, she bites when I'm trying to get dirt/dog food/seashells/sand/etc out of her mouth & it takes E opening her mouth to get my finger free. She knows what she is doing & I think she knows it hurts. UGH. Silly baby.

We are headed home on Saturday, and I don't want to go..but I don't know anyone that wants to go home after vacation. We will live here some day. I want to raise my babies by the beach. And, I tend to work out (read walk) a lot more. I love walking along the shore & it's good for my lungs & my legs. I just love it here.

I think when we get home, I'm going to start putting out feelers for a new job. There has apparently been a TON of drama at work this week, and some of it is petty stuff, but some of it can cause HUGE issues & I don't want to be involved. Work has been very drama filled lately & I just don't have time for it. I'm not in high school anymore & I don't really want to work w/people who are into drama. It's just getting ridiculous. So we'll see how it goes. It's just going to be hard to find a place that will let me work only part-time and take off vacations. I just want to go work & have it be a happy environment. I know that's probably dreaming, but it didn't used to be this bad.

Also, I know I've said this before, but I'm REALLY ready to be pregnant again. E & I were already talking about what I could & couldn't do this summer when I'd be 20wks pregnant or so...Like I couldn't ride the waves or get into the strong surf (or carry in the luggage since I'd probably have a 10lb weight limit again) and how fun it would be to have our 3 kids w/us (Maci, Lulu & baby in the belly). I just hope we can get it done this month..although I really like having monitored medicated cycles..DH does not. My natural cycles just seem to be SO long, have late ovulation, and then 35+ day cycles..Which this one almost was anyway, but I know for sure we had a good egg, we just weren't able to connect thanks to DH's insane work schedule. Also, is it just me, or has there been a rash of "surprise" or "oops" pregnancies on FB?! Does it make anyone else crazy? Or pregnant "friends" complaining about being pregnant? I just want to smack them & remind them how lucky they are.

Okay, off to edit pictures. Picture post to be coming soon =)

Just Another Friday

Today, my good friend, who just happens to be a beutician (score!!) is going to come over & chop off about 6-7 inches of my hair..OMG!!! I wansn't nervous until E took a "before" picture from the back & I realized how long it is..I'm going for a long bob style & hopefully, she can update the color as well. I'll attempt to post pictures..But first, I have to find my SD card. I have a mini-SD card in my camera..and so I have to have the larger one to put pics on my computer..I am sick that it's not in the computer..That's the last place I had it..Why would I take it out?! I have absolutely no idea where it could be..Ugh. And if I can't find it, I have to get a new one. There's no way my mini-sd will hold all the pics I plan on taking when we go on vacation. Hopefully it turns up. I think those things are like $50..No thank you.

Also, can anyone explain why DH chooses to make the most hurtful remarks at 4AM when the baby is in the middle of an epic meltdown? She has been sleeping SO SO SO much better, and then last night, meltdown @ 3:30am. Usually a cup of watered down juice will do the trick. Last night she needed to cups of juice, a snack, & a certain paci before she could get it together enough to fall back asleep. She finally did at 6:30. UGH. And DH tells me he can't get his ass up & help me because he is exhausted. He HAS been working 11hr days..I was like, so have I!!! I do my job, then I come home & I take care of Lulu & after she goes to bed, I take care of the house stuff & lately that's been tough because of my hip situation. And then I'm the one who is up if the baby is. He mumbled that being a mom isn't a real job.....Yep. I don't care if he was half-asleep. I was so hurt. I said some things I probably shouldn't have, but he completely desereved it. I was so upset. This morning, he acted like he just couldn't harldy function because he was SOOOOO tired. I told him I didn't want to hear it & to go back to bed if he was so f-ing exhausted. Ugh. I am still so upset. Next week, when he's off, guess what? He'll be watching Lulu every day that I work. Then tell me that being a mom isn't a real job. He has no idea what he just got himself into..

Besides that situation, things have been pretty good. It's been crazy hot here, like 86-89 degrees in MARCH!! It feels like June. We've had our AC on for a week or so. Today is the coolest it's been (62) and that's because it's raining. Lovely storms last night =) I just hope the nice weather comes back because when it changes like this, Lu & I usually get sick. And I'm having trouble breathing today..Ugh. Stay away!! Get warm again!!

Just FYI

We've been TTC Joyner Baby 2.0 for exactly as long as a pregnancy..9 months..40 weeks..the amount of a full term pregnancy. Ugh. That hurts & sucks. If I hadn't had the miscarriage in July, I'd be due next month. I figured, since we've gone through infertility before, it wouldn't hurt as much or be as hard the second time around..I was wrong. And I know I am INCREDIBLY lucky to have Lulu, I don't take one second w/her for granted..But it must have been a cold fall & winter because no less then four people announced their pregnancies on FB & 3 friends had babies over the last 2 days. Gah. Jealousy. I know. So dumb. But I can't help it. Oh well. And as for a December baby..Not in the cards for us..E got "voluntold" to work OT 2 nights ago, so he got in at 2AM, then 6:30AM last night & who knows what time tonight..Oh well..Like I said, I'm not too sad..and 2 January babies would be okay..I just told E that I want to take Lulu & a sibling to the St. Patty's day parade next year, so we have til June to get PG =) Here's hoping =)

I'm 80 Years Old

Seriously..What 29yo do YOU know that has chronic migraines, ridiculous asthma, & now, hip/sciatic problems? What in the absolute f*ck is wrong w/my body & WHY can't I go just one week w/o a doctors appointment? I think my body is making up for the 7 3/4 months that I wasn't sick while I was pregnant. I had the usual winter colds & whatnot, but when I was pregnant, I was the healthiest I have ever been. I got migraines during the last few weeks, but that was due to stress & elevated BP. Since then I have been hospitalized once, in the ER 4-5x (I can't remember how many, 2 THIS YEAR already), to the immediate care so much that it's like they are my regular doctor, and had to be on so many drugs ( and not usually the fun ones) that I'm known by name at our pharmacy. I'm so spent. I'm done. I want to be healthy. I'm doing everything in my power to stay healthy & it's like my body has a vendetta against itself. I did ABSOLUTELY nothing to hurt my hip. NOTHING. No injury, no changed in activity (well I'm taking the baby & dog for more walks since it's been 82 degrees in MARCH in Indiana!!) but that's not a big deal. It's not like I took up javelin or competitive rowing. So my hip started hurting Monday, I got adjusted at work M/T/W & it felt better for a few hours after that. Then last night, it was EXCRUCIATING. I stretched, I took tylenol, I used heat, I used ice, I complained. Nothing worked. Then this morning, when I put weight on my left foot, I fell down. It was life fire running through my veins. I have never felt anything quite like it. E told me I needed to go to the immediate care because I couldn't even pick up the baby & he couldn't take the day off to stay home & help me. She immediatly dx'd me w/a very inflamed sciatic nerve & possible a buldging disc. Awesome. She said to see my orthopedist if it's not better by Monday. Because yeah, we have an extra few hundred dollars right now. Ugh. We totally don't. But she did give me steroids (yuck) and Vico.din (yay). Hopefully, the pain goes away ASAP. We live for Gulf Shores in 2 weeks. I don't have time for this.

Also on my plate today...The OPK is positive. Now normally this would be followed by about 100 exclamation points and excitement about a possible Christmas-time baby. I am excited about that...I am also wondering how one has se.x when they can't move their hips? Or when it hurts to lay in certain positions..let alone....you know. Plus, remember the "this isn't the cycle" feeling I was having? I'm still having it, & I'm not so upset. I mean I'm peeved that we might "waste" an amazing follicle, but I'm just not as excited as I want myself to be. Oh, and this is the MOST ovulation I have had since my first PP AF. It's fantastic. So I'm hoping the pain abates for a little while tonight (as it is DH's birthday) or I feel better in the morning because those are basically our two chances since DH is working overnight tomorrow & Saturday. We'll see.

Have I mentioned lately baby girls sleeping habits? As I was talking about them to a co-worker, a patient overheard me & asked "how old is she? 8 or 10 weeks?" LOL. Um, no, 13.5 mos. That's how bad it's been. She goes down between 7-8 and is up basically every 2 hours from 11-8am. We finally end up moving her to our bed when I get totally exhausted. Though, last night, KNOCK ON WOOD was fantastic w/only one waking up episode. I hope tonight goe the same course since I have been so tired that I actually had to lay down at work yesterday because I couldnt function. Something has got to give & it might just be my sanity. The doctor said she is having night terrors & to let her cry it out. Are you serious!? I asked him "so your telling me that my 13mo old baby is having night terrors, and she can't vocalize what is wrong or what is scaring her, and she wakes up screaming and shaking because whatever she was dreaming about scared her so much, and I'm supposed to leave her ALONE?!" That sounds both cruel & unsual to me. I know that when I have a nightmare, DH is laying right next to me & I wake him up and make him snuggle closer and tell him what happened. My daughter can't tell me what she is scared of, so I can't explain it to her what is & isn't going to happen. And she literally wakes sits straight up & starts screaming, crying, & shaking. It's scary and breaks my heart. I'm sure I'm just gonna let her get even more afraid by justleaving her in her room. WTH?! Ugh. I love her pediatrician, but sometimes, he's a moron.

Okay, thats all for now. Sorry to be so long winded. The baby is actually asleep and I'm going to attempt to watch the Net.flix movies I have had for a month. How is everything in your world?

Sad

I wonder if I am actually depressed, or if it's just a side effect of the Clomid? I finished the Clomid 3 days ago and yesterday my pelvic area, especially on the right side was SO swollen, and it hurt to go from sitting to standing, going over bumps in the road. Ugh. It was no good. So I called Dr. J's office and the nurse told me she wasn't sure what was wrong and to come in this morning. Come to find out, the office had ALL of my dates wrong and had scheduled me for my u/s on Moday, which could have been TOO late for seeing if my follicles were the right size. Today is CD 11 & on the right size I had 5 follicles, 4 that were on the small side (between 9-12mm) and one HUGE 27mm one!! Yay!! So the doc wanted me to trigger, but we had a HUGE bill come up this week that ate most of my paycheck, plus I had to refill my & Elaina's asthma medication, and it's grocery week. So, there we will be no trigger. Ugh. We just seem to be running into roadblock after roadblock when we do medicated cycles. Anyway, I spoke to one of my friends, and she actually conceived her last daughter on a medicated cycle w/o triggering, just using OPK's!!! So that makes me excited. I haven't had the "this is the one" feeling about this cycle. I don't know why. We'll see!!

Onto the depression. I think it stems from being absolutely exhausted to the point of forgetting things, like driving to work, doing the dishes, doing laundry. Just completely forgetting things. And I'm so clumsy becuase I'm so tired and the headaches, ugh, they've been bad. And E just has NOT been his usual helpful self. I don't know what has changed. He's acting like he did a few months ago when I had my little breakdown. I constantly complement him when he helps me, and praise him when he does stuff that I think he SHOULD BE DOING ANYWAY!!! But I know w/guys, you have to praise them for the little things...But ugh. I am so tired that I was crying earlier when the baby wouldn't nap. And I've just felt down and out. I've read that that is actually a side effect of the Clomid. I hope it's just the hormones and I feel better in a few more days. If not, IDK what I'm gonna do. I'd say I'd call the doctor, but I'm currently on the hunt for a new PCP since mine has been a little cuckoo lately.

Okay, that's all for now. The baby is in bed & I think I'll head that way also =)

Spring then Winter then Spring then Winter

It seems that Indiana has a bi-polar issue. Particularly w/the weather. Now, having lived in Indiana for all 29 years of my life, you think I'd be used to this. Not so much. It seems the older I get, the more I realize that winter/spring are interchangeable. Like today. Little E & I went to the store around 9:30am, it was 40 degrees and the predicitions were for some fire & brimstone type storms. So we hurried around and by the time we left the store it was about 50 degrees. We got home right before the rain & hail hit, but we, fortunately escaped the damaging storms. There was some thunder & lightening and some rain that was coming down so hard that I couldn't see the house next door to us. More on the fire & brimstone storms in a second. Then when we headed to my parents for Friday night pizza, it was 67 degrees & insanely windy. A few hours later (like now) it's 37 degrees again. Crazy!! I'm really, REALLY ready for the temperature to stay the same. For more then 24hrs. Seriously. Either freeze or be warm. Those are the choices. No more of this weather rigamaroe.

To the south of us, in Henryville & Marysville, they were not as lucky in the weather department. According to news reports (and reports that DH has heard rolling in from state police in the southern posts) Marysville has been wiped off the map. The devastation is such that it looks like a town never exsisted there. And we have been seeing pictures of Henryville on the news (local & national) all night. The death total is at 9 right now, and the devastation is just immense. It reminds me of Joplin when we drove through last August. Everything is just destroyed. My husband is on standby, meaning he may be deployed to go down & help out in the next 24-48hrs. We'll see. Our thoughts & prayers are with those they have been affected by these storms...I can't even imagine..

Because of the aforementioned weather & some of our sweet patients coming in sick, I have been incredibly sick all week. It seems that Miss E goes for a month at a time being well and then gets sick. She was sick all of October, well all of November and most of December, sick all of January, well almost all of February & so far has been sick for March. And this time, momma is actually sicker then the baby (which I'd prefer) but, the hubs doesn't seem to be able to handle it or function very well when I'm sick..So I haven't really had a day to kind of slow down & rest..What mom does?! Today he actually told me to go lay down because I looked like (and felt liked) living death. So I got about an hour nap. And of course, silly baby decides today is a very short nap day. She had her morning nap..20 minutes and her afternoon nap..1hr. Ugh. Oh well. Hopefully we are both on the mend ASAP. I thought I was getting better last night, but it all seemed to move into my chest today. We can't be sick this whole month, we leave for vacation on the 30th!!

Cycle wise? I'm on CD4, second day of Clo.mid was today. So far, NO migraines!!! I'm so excited. By this time on the Fem.ara I was in agonizing pain. I really hope it works. Seriously. Oh, and did I tell you? DH has had a COMPLETE change of heart. He came to me Tuesday, and said he had done some soul searching and was really ready for a baby this time. He was very against doing the trigger shot, but after we talked about it, and my mom added her words of wisdom (and I'm not being sarcastic, sometimes she just knows EXACTLY what to say) he said "twins would even be okay, at least then I know we'd be done having babies and you wouldn't have to put yourself through this again." My mouth dropped to the floor. I can't believe his change. He is excited. This is what I wanted back in January. I'm so glad that he came around. I stay on the Clo.mid from CD3-7, then a CD12 u/s, then trigger, then 3 days of BD =) Here's really, really hoping for a December baby bear!!!

Okay, it's bed time for this sicky. Night!!

Anyone Else?

Does anyone else have "things" they do whence taking a pregnancy test? Like me, I say to myself "okay, I am NOT going to look until the 3 minute mark." "Okay, I am going to watch the dye go all the way across the ENTIRE time." "Okay, I'm gonna leave the room, pick up some baby toys, come back & slightly glance at the test while praying it's positive." "Okay, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that this cycle is THE cycle, but damn, wouldn't a positive test be nice?" Seems none of these things will make a test positive. I'm only 8DPO, but I'm feeling so weird, as previously mentioned w/very sore boo.bies and exhaustion. So, of course, that little monster, hope slipped into my brain and tugged and said "tests at Dollar Tree are only $1.00...." And it took over. I'm not too sad, because we start Clo.mid next month, and this month, we were just not, um, connecting at the same time. E's work schedule has been insane, etc. And in what alternate universe would I ever have a surprise pregnancy? Um, never. Here's hoping for a December 2012 baby!!

Weirdness..and First Birthday Pictures =)

Weirdness
I am not a junk food eater. Nor do I usually eat a LOT at any meal. Lately (like in the last 3-4 days) I have been craving JUNK. And not just a little bit, TONS. Like 5-6 tagalong cookies in one sitting. 4 pieces of Donatos pizza (which are small & not normal sized, but STILL), candy, juice, lollipos. WTF? This is crazy and so unlike me. And then, the nausea. Oh my. It's been really bad. And it's not just after I eat the aforementioned junk, it's in the morning when I wake up, it's in the middle of the night. And I've been SO thirsty. I drink all day long, and right now, my new favorite thing is Diet Sparkling Cranberry juice. Yes, it is as good as it sounds. I probably have 3 cans of that a day. I'm on can 3 right now come to think of it. And even though I've been on a steady diet of turkey jerky (so good, & lean!!), Girl Scout Cookies & sweettarts, I seem to have lost some weight. I'm sure that's due to being so friggin stressed and not sleeping. Seriously. I've had to take Val.ium that last 2 nights to even get my brain to shut off so I could sleep at all. So, I said all that to say, any ideas on just wtf is going on? I don't like feeling this way. And to be eating all this junk while on the Glumetza..let's just say my digestive tract is working overtime.

Elaina's First Birthday Party
We had originally planned it for the weekend before her birthday, but we were all SO sick that we had to reschedule. We invited 40-ish people and about 32 showed up. It was CROWDED in our house, but it was full of so much love. The party was amazing..The only down-side was at the last minute (literally 2 hrs before the party) E's dad called & said he & that b*tch he married were "not feeling well" and couldn't make it to his ONLY grandchild's first birthday. E was devastated & so angry. He still is. Which is unsual for him because his dad's wife pulls this shit all the time. I think was the straw that broke the camels back. He teared up. I didn't know what to do. His sister was incredibly upset as well. But we moved on & had the best time. Anytime there are gifts involved for Lulu, she is SO spoiled. She got so much great stuff. And she sent out her thank you notes in a timely fashion. She knows proper etiquette =) My mom made all 4 (3 to eat, one to smash) of her cakes (since no one RSVP'd we had no idea how many people to expect). They were AMAZING. I'm telling you, the woman should go into business. As a sidenote, she made the cake for Lindsey's bridal shower 2 years ago, same thing. A blueberry/vanilla chiffon layer cake. Heaven on Earth. For Lu's b-day she made a vanilla bean, a funfetti, and a chocolate and her smash cake was chocolate w/vanilla layers. AMAZING. Her theme was basically bright colors & sock monkeys (which she has taken a liking to lately) and we also had a candy bar, which was a big hit w/the kids & the parents. It was wonderful to have everyone together to celebrate our miracle. I will admit that while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to her, I cried. And to make this already book-ish post even longer, here are some pictures =)

3 Generations on each side

The cakes!!

Our mantle w/the banner made by my mom

"Happy Birthday Dear Elaina.."

I feel like she LOVED the cake

The candy buffett

Grandma & Grandpa w/Us

Nana & Great Grandpa w/Us

The birthday girl

One of my favorites..Love this girl!!

Nana & Elaina

She loved tearing the wrapping paper

Our sweet 1 year old baby girl

What If It's Cancer?

So last May when I was hospitalized for pnuemonia & migraines, I had a CAT scan done to rule out a cerebral bleed or hemorrhage..and for some reason it went low enough that it found a goiter on my thyroid. I went for a thyroid u/s about 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital. I never got the results..then again I never called for them either...So, it hasn't really bothered me, but I've noticed that it was getting really big between Sept-Nov and now it's shrunk back down, to almost not being noticeable. Last Tuesday  I went to the ENT for the 5x broken nose that is now giving me horrifying migraines and constant stuffiness & infections..While I was there, Dr. S felt my glands & felt the lump. She asked if I had ever had it checked out..I wimped out & lied & told her no. She immedieatly scheduled me for another thyroid u/s, which was today.

I know that the tech can't tell me what she was seeing, but I know what a healthy, nodular free, thyroid looks like. Mine doesn't seem to have healthy qualities. In fact, there are multiple, pretty large nodes on both sides. I didn't even realize my left side had an issue. I'm sceduled for a needle biopsy on March 6th. A biopsy. A test for cancer. CANCER. I'm terrified. I know it's probably nothing, but it could be something very big. Very scary. Dr. S told me, jokingly, "if you're going to have cancer, it's the one to have. It's the most treatable." Hmm. I guess that's good news?

I just want to be healthy. I just want to have SOMETHING be normal. My fertility is f*cked, my thyroid, apparently going along the same path. Oh, and I was in the ER, for "acute respiratory distress & migraines" Saturday night. My O2 sats were 92, so I was on oxygen & some heavy duty breathing treatments, plus IV steroids & Ativan (<--lovely). I was sent home w/Valium for the migraines (what? I've never heard of this, lol) and 4 days worth of horsey-pill steroids. So, my lungs, are also, f*cked. I just can't take one more thing. And I can't stop thinking worse case scenario thoughts. Who will take care of my daughter? Will my husband be able to do it? Will she remember me? I don't want to have cancer, even if it is treatable. I don't want to miss one second of her life, and going through chemo & radiation makes one so sick. I want to have another baby or two. I don't want my fertility further jeopardized.

I am so scared. I am barely holding it together. My mind will not turn off. And of course, everyone wants to patronize me "people have biopsies all the time", "it will be fine", etc. I know all of this. That doesn't make it any less scary. A biopsy is a test for cancer. Period. Please God, please let the u/s come back that it's just cysts, and if not, please let the biopsy be negative. Let it be treatable. Please, don't let me miss any of my daughter & future children's lives. Please, make my brain shut up.



On a MUCH higher note..My SIL's treatment is finally working!!! She did Fem.ara for CD 3-7, and on CD7 had 2 follicles, the largest at 7cms. She then did three days of injectible Meno.pur and went back and the follicles were only at 11. They then doubled the Meno.pur dose for 3 more days and she went in yesterday and the follies were 18 & 20cms!!! She triggered last night & goes in for her beta on the same day as my biopsy. She said there's no way she can wait 14 days for the test, so she's gonna come down on CD11 or 12 and take the test here, lol. Gotta love bonding over pee sticks. Praying so hard for her & my BIL. I think twins will be on the way in November, right around my b-day.

On our cycle wise, we only bd'd twice this cycle, on CD 10 & CD 22 and ovulated on CD 20. Nice planning. So no November baby for us, unless sperm can live for that long, lol. Dr. J is going to call in Clo.mid for me for the next cycle. I'm not sure what the protocol is, I think it's the same as Fem.ara. U/s on CD 12? He doesn't want me doing the Fem.ara again because of the massive migraines (that I already have issues with) that it caused. But I've heard some not so great things about Clo.mid. DH & I decided that if we have 2 or less follicles we'll do the trigger, if we have 3+ we won't. I'll ovulate anyway, and we don't really want triplets or quads..so that's the plan. Hopefully it works out. I can't take another emotional rollercoaster like last time. We've discussed it over & over & this was the compromise. We're gonna try this until June, and then move onto whatever is next. Injectibles, higher does Clo.mid + trigger? We can only afford 1 cycle on injectibles unless Dr. J gives us free meds like he did SIL. Ugh. Let's just have March be "the" month. Oh, and according to my cycles, if I do conceive next month..My EDD will be 12-12-12. Awesome =)

Okay, that's all. I had to get that out of my head. I do have b-day party pictures, and they will be in my next post. Thanks for listening.