Sharing

I've never been super good at it..Especially when it's something, or even moreso someone I love..Henc why I have ended relationship when the boyfriend at the time decided he wanted to share himself..Anyway, getting off track. Tonight I was thinking about the absolute destruction divorce causes. Though eventually, wounds heal, I cannot imagine inflicting them on my daughter. As I sat watching tv tonight on the couch, and she was in the other room, sleeping, and it was so quiet this little thought crept into my brain "if you guys get divorced, you'll have this quiet 2x per week. She won't be here. I literally hyperventilated. It's making me cry just to type it. To have to pack up my little girl and send her away. Away from the person who makes her feel the safest, who has been her stronghold her entire life, to send her away from her home...because her parents couldn't get their shit together. As it stands, he'd only be able to have her Sunday & Monday. He'd probably drop her off at school and I would see her Tuesday after school. This just breaks my heart. She is my heart, living outside of my body. It would be trusting my husband with my most part of my life..Something he hasn't been to take care up very well up to this point. I can't imagine not being able to just walk into our bedroom & lay down next to her. I don't know what I would do with myself while she was gone. How do divorced moms & dads do it? And I can't imagine how much E would miss if he only saw her 2 full days a week. It's not enough. But he's not spending nearly enough time with her now. I just don't know. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. I don't want her to feel any of this. Hence why I'm up crying and blogging and my husband & daughter is sleeping. These are things he obviously doesn't think about. I even went in there to try to talk to him and I just laid next to him and he said "what do you want? I'm tired." Rejected. Again. He's never put her to bed. He's never brushed her hair, he's never just held her when she was having trouble breathing. He's never picked her up from school. If worse comes to worse, I don't want her to miss me. I want her to enjoy time with her daddy. And she's still a baby. Which is worse, to be unhappy in my marriage, but stay marriage to protect my daughter, or to possibly, knowingly hurt my daughter for my happiness..How much is too much? How are we here again? We overcame so much. Where did our love go? How do we find it? My heart is breaking.