What If It's Cancer?

So last May when I was hospitalized for pnuemonia & migraines, I had a CAT scan done to rule out a cerebral bleed or hemorrhage..and for some reason it went low enough that it found a goiter on my thyroid. I went for a thyroid u/s about 2 weeks after I got out of the hospital. I never got the results..then again I never called for them either...So, it hasn't really bothered me, but I've noticed that it was getting really big between Sept-Nov and now it's shrunk back down, to almost not being noticeable. Last Tuesday  I went to the ENT for the 5x broken nose that is now giving me horrifying migraines and constant stuffiness & infections..While I was there, Dr. S felt my glands & felt the lump. She asked if I had ever had it checked out..I wimped out & lied & told her no. She immedieatly scheduled me for another thyroid u/s, which was today.

I know that the tech can't tell me what she was seeing, but I know what a healthy, nodular free, thyroid looks like. Mine doesn't seem to have healthy qualities. In fact, there are multiple, pretty large nodes on both sides. I didn't even realize my left side had an issue. I'm sceduled for a needle biopsy on March 6th. A biopsy. A test for cancer. CANCER. I'm terrified. I know it's probably nothing, but it could be something very big. Very scary. Dr. S told me, jokingly, "if you're going to have cancer, it's the one to have. It's the most treatable." Hmm. I guess that's good news?

I just want to be healthy. I just want to have SOMETHING be normal. My fertility is f*cked, my thyroid, apparently going along the same path. Oh, and I was in the ER, for "acute respiratory distress & migraines" Saturday night. My O2 sats were 92, so I was on oxygen & some heavy duty breathing treatments, plus IV steroids & Ativan (<--lovely). I was sent home w/Valium for the migraines (what? I've never heard of this, lol) and 4 days worth of horsey-pill steroids. So, my lungs, are also, f*cked. I just can't take one more thing. And I can't stop thinking worse case scenario thoughts. Who will take care of my daughter? Will my husband be able to do it? Will she remember me? I don't want to have cancer, even if it is treatable. I don't want to miss one second of her life, and going through chemo & radiation makes one so sick. I want to have another baby or two. I don't want my fertility further jeopardized.

I am so scared. I am barely holding it together. My mind will not turn off. And of course, everyone wants to patronize me "people have biopsies all the time", "it will be fine", etc. I know all of this. That doesn't make it any less scary. A biopsy is a test for cancer. Period. Please God, please let the u/s come back that it's just cysts, and if not, please let the biopsy be negative. Let it be treatable. Please, don't let me miss any of my daughter & future children's lives. Please, make my brain shut up.



On a MUCH higher note..My SIL's treatment is finally working!!! She did Fem.ara for CD 3-7, and on CD7 had 2 follicles, the largest at 7cms. She then did three days of injectible Meno.pur and went back and the follicles were only at 11. They then doubled the Meno.pur dose for 3 more days and she went in yesterday and the follies were 18 & 20cms!!! She triggered last night & goes in for her beta on the same day as my biopsy. She said there's no way she can wait 14 days for the test, so she's gonna come down on CD11 or 12 and take the test here, lol. Gotta love bonding over pee sticks. Praying so hard for her & my BIL. I think twins will be on the way in November, right around my b-day.

On our cycle wise, we only bd'd twice this cycle, on CD 10 & CD 22 and ovulated on CD 20. Nice planning. So no November baby for us, unless sperm can live for that long, lol. Dr. J is going to call in Clo.mid for me for the next cycle. I'm not sure what the protocol is, I think it's the same as Fem.ara. U/s on CD 12? He doesn't want me doing the Fem.ara again because of the massive migraines (that I already have issues with) that it caused. But I've heard some not so great things about Clo.mid. DH & I decided that if we have 2 or less follicles we'll do the trigger, if we have 3+ we won't. I'll ovulate anyway, and we don't really want triplets or quads..so that's the plan. Hopefully it works out. I can't take another emotional rollercoaster like last time. We've discussed it over & over & this was the compromise. We're gonna try this until June, and then move onto whatever is next. Injectibles, higher does Clo.mid + trigger? We can only afford 1 cycle on injectibles unless Dr. J gives us free meds like he did SIL. Ugh. Let's just have March be "the" month. Oh, and according to my cycles, if I do conceive next month..My EDD will be 12-12-12. Awesome =)

Okay, that's all. I had to get that out of my head. I do have b-day party pictures, and they will be in my next post. Thanks for listening.