Sausage Fest in China Has Huge Unintended Consequences

Sausage Parties May Be Hazardous to your Wallet

It's no secret that China's infamous "one-child policy", which favored the male child-births through the humanitarian procedure of infanticide, resulted in a male-female ratio worse than a RPG gamer convention. Unsurprising to any dude who has ever been immersed in a mostly male profession, lovelorn guys are getting easily ripped off by con-artist ladies. Dowries paid by rural gents in China to the brides family are turning out be a worse investment than GM stock. WSJ reports:

He proposed marriage. She agreed, with one proviso: cai li of 38,000 yuan, or roughly five years' worth of farm income. The Zhous agreed, but took the precaution of running a quick background check. Tang Yunshou, Xin'an's Communist Party secretary, said Ms. Cai's identity and residential papers checked.

Three days later the couple registered their union at the local registrar's office. They posed for studio shots, with the bride in a creamy satin gown, the groom in a tuxedo. In one shot, they wear traditional garb, the bride pretending to light a string of firecrackers. Mr. Zhou mugs a grimace, hands to his ears.

They held the wedding banquet a week later, on Jan. 4, where Mr Zhou's mother formally handed over the dowry -- half of it loans from family members -- to a woman she believed to be Ms. Cai's cousin.

The new bride took up residence with her in-laws, and quickly found favor with her diligent and respectful ways, said Mrs. Zhou. "I treated her better than my own daughter," she said. A red electric scooter, with ribbons on the handles, sits in the living room, a wedding present for Ms. Cai.

Matrimony was catching. Two neighbors sought Ms. Cai out, and asked her to act as matchmaker for their sons. Ms. Cai recommended two girls within a few days. The neighbors each paid 40,000 yuan in cai li.

On Jan. 28, all these brides vanished, leaving the villagers reeling.

If you can't trust the Xin'an Communist Secretary to run a simple background check on your fiancee, who can you trust?!?

I'd suggest to Mr. Zhou to come to Bangkok's seedier areas, where you see hundreds of bored women sitting around waiting for foreign men to spend money on them (yes, the recession seems to have really hit everybody). But that would imply that people actually had the money to travel in our new world-wide, economic malaise.

Creepy Craig's List Killer Is Ruining the Internet for Everybody

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Throwing Caution to the Wind, Caroline Auctions off Jamie on Teh Internet

Jamie of USO Girls fame is being auctioned off for a date in the Dallas-Fort Worth area to benefit with a starting bid of $140. All proceeds go to Defenders of Freedom which sends care packages to deployed troops. I've met Jamie and she is attractive, intelligent, enjoys drinking, and has a car. So what the hell else do you need for motivation? Place a bid before some 50 year-old weirdo with an anime fetish takes her out to the Golden Corral buffet.

More information...right here!

More Women Turning to Pole Dancing to Make Ends Meet

One positive unintended consequence of this economic catastrophe is that "gentleman's clubs" are seeing an in-flux of babes looking to work the pole. From AP:

As a bartender and trainer at a national restaurant chain, Rebecca Brown earned a couple thousand dollars in a really good week. Now, as a dancer at Chicago's Pink Monkey gentleman's club, she makes almost that much in one good night.

The tough job market is prompting a growing number of women across the country to dance in strip clubs, appear in adult movies or pose for magazines like Hustler.

Employers across the adult entertainment industry say they're seeing an influx of applications from women who, like Brown, are attracted by the promise of flexible schedules and fast cash. Many have college degrees and held white-collar jobs until the economy soured.

While the cash flow is certainly a vast improvement over slinging chicken fingers to fatso families at TGI Friday's, this AP article does not take into account the lady's new spending on the requisite cocaine addiction that often comes with being an exotic dancer. But if she can keep away the demons, there's no reason to believe this isn't a lucrative career option. What other business (besides a casino) can a guy walk in and spend hundreds of dollars in a matter of hours on lap dances in the VIP room because he erroneously thinks "I bet she really likes me, man!". Most male readers of this blog should be able to relate with some level of empathy.

Much like the Depression saw the repeal of the ill-suited Prohibition laws, perhaps we should look at scrapping some of the more ridiculous laws about strip joints. I'm not talking about full-on brothels (yet!), but at least to the level of regulation of Canada, which has some pretty awesome strip clubs. Liberal busybodies like Mayor Nickels of Seattle could stop with the jihad against the flesh industry and actually allow a much-needed shot in the arm (or snatch-in-the-face) to stimulate the economy.

Great Balls of Fire

Hey Ladies! Look at me!

A gentleman from Sweden attempted to impress his special ladyfriend by lighting his arm on fire with gasoline. Obviously, the scent of charred flesh and subsequent trip in the meat wagon did little for the romance. From The Local (h/t Nutty News):

The woman told police in Västervik in south eastern Sweden that her boyfriend poured gasoline over his arm and set the fuel on fire. “It obviously didn’t go well. He burned his arm and other parts of his body and was in a state of shock,” said Kalmar police spokesperson Reine Johansson to the TT news agency. “Don’t ask me what the point of the trick was supposed to be.” The 33-year-old man was taken via ambulance to the hospital in Västervik. According to police he will likely need specialized care at the burn clinic of Linköping University Hospital.

Note to hospitalized guy, the flaming arm gag is unnecessary, as simply putting on boardshorts and acting like a jackass will get the attention of all the babes.

Zombie Babes to Make 2009 Worthwhile

From My Zombie Pin Up

Hot chick zombies feasting on a helping brains! Is there anything better in this world? This would be a way more appealing stocking stuffer than the Barry Manilow 80s CD idea I had two weeks ago.

Slog has 9 more excellent 2009 calenders (warning: naked clown alert on #3).

Breitbart's Plan for the GOP: More Babes

Amidst lolly-gagging by the unattractive squares who run the GOP, Andrew Breitbart has an idea from babe central, Los Angeles, that the party should utilize sex appeal from the young and beautiful. From the Washington Times (h/t Libertarian-Republican):

With the economy in the pits, the young, the restless and unapologetically handsome should use their looks, vigor and Internet knowledge to wrest away elective office from joyless bureaucrats who gallingly repackaged the soiled utopian promises of their overly replayed Woodstock days as "hope" and "change."

Those young adults who weren't duped this time around can be at the forefront of cluing in their friends that were. In Facebook I trust.

The Gutfeld/Breitbart conservatism brand of small-government/big-defense/pro-good times could take off if the Obama presidency crashes and burns. After all, Palin's babeness, according to the commentariat on this blog, helped propel her to #1 conservative of the year (it certainly wasn't her knowledge of foreign policy). But for everyone who tries to put a Hooters-like brand on the GOP, you'll get two or three girdle-wearing Huckabees saying Thou Shall Not Support Gay Marriage. We'll see what happens in the future. In the meantime, it's just easier to criticize Obama than to try and find a new vision for the sodomized corpse of the Republican Party.

Late Nite Tunes: Social Distortion - Another State of Mind

Hopefully you all are enjoying the weekend in "Another State of Mind", just not operating a vehicle or heavy machinery, of course. Here's a pin-up babe for the road from Viva's Gallery by way of the great site Porn for Troops.

Madman Joe has a "Bring it On" Moment

Joe Biden is really amping up the "Democrats can be Tough Guys Too" rhetoric that was a big part of The Obama's acceptance speech. From Fox News at a rally in Tacoma

“Mark my words. It will not be six months before the world tests Barack Obama like they did John Kennedy. The world is looking. We’re about to elect a brilliant 47-year-old senator president of the United States of America.” he told a fundraising crowd in the Pacific Northwest on Sunday. “Remember I said it standing here if you don’t remember anything else I said. Watch, we’re gonna have an international crisis, a generated crisis, to test the mettle of this guy.”

“He’s gonna have to make some really tough - I don’t know what the decision’s gonna be, but I promise you it will occur. As a student of history and having served with seven presidents, I guarantee you it’s gonna happen.”

What the shit? It sounds like Biden is hoping for some catastrophic tragedy so that he can prove a point about The Obama not being a wimp. Well, I hope the "international crisis" is the long-awaited Attack of the 50-foot woman in one of our fair cities. First off, she's a babe, and second, it would be much more preferable to be killed by Snu-Snu rather than getting incinerated by a nuclear explosion from whatever jihad group is pissed off that week.

Not A Terrible Way to Go

Disgusting Mormon Calender Gets Holy Roller Excommunicated

I can't say I know too much about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, except that

• 1) They're the biggest religion to have begun in America,
• 2) I've met a lot of Mormons in my travels (particularly in the service) and they seem like swell people,
• 3) They founded Las Vegas more or less,
• 4) They own Pepsi and Taco Bell (later revealed by a colleague to be not true)

So I never understood the ruckus that many have made about the "horrors" of being a Mormon. Maybe it's because I'm not religious in the first place, and don't think one is particularly better than other...but hey that's just me.

Anyhoo, the LDS receives the highest praise from this agnostic in their latest announcement to excommunicate the purveyor of this sleazy calender featuring shirtless Mormon missionaries.

Disgusting!

First off, there is nothing attractive about the male figure, and, second, all attempts must be made by like-minded bloggers to eradicate this type of filth from the internet.

The protocol of proper, stimulating photography must be maintained on the internet, since this was the intended use of the technology. An example of the correct use of the internet is the Girls and Corpses site, which combines the best of both worlds (namely hot babes and zombies) into one erotic package. Score one for the good guys!

Now We're Onto Something!

Combat Zone Bonein' with Lara Logan

In light of the sad news from Baghdad about Nicole, this story is a bit on the lighter side, which I know Nicole would've found hilarious.

Lara Logan, who recently voiced her outrage at CBS on The Daily Show for not covering Iraq enough, believes that rockets and bullets are an aphrodisiac because she was involved in a steamy love affair while in Mesopotamia. According to the NY Post, Logan had a bonefest with some married contractor, Joe Burkett, as well as CNN correspondent Michael Ware, and the two men brawled like a couple of gel-haired meatheads during last call at the club trying to get their mitts on her. Hat Tip to CDR Salamander, who wonders the same thing I did, why wasn't she looking to me for a lusty affair? I'm guessing the answer to that lies in the fact that our salaries pale in comparison to our contracting peers. I always felt Lara Logan's reporting was overrated and shoddy, while Arwa Damon of CNN had far better journalistic coverage of the war in Iraq. Unfrotunately, Arwa is a bit plain looking, and therefore doesn't get the same attention as a blonde bombshell like Logan. Sorry, Arwa. Pictured below is the characters in this ridiculous soap opera from the war zone.

Hot Babe and overrated Reporter Logan Gets it On in Iraq Apparently, Women Find Fucked-Up Looking Noses Attractive Despite Arwa's Pastel Green Shirt, She Gets Ignored Joe Burkett, (I Found on Teh Google), also convicted of Kidtouchin' two teeneage boys in NY in 2007, I assume it was the same guy who fucked Logan

Who Would've Thought That Sex Sells?

Newshounds talks about BillO being in a tizzy over a controversial campaign ad for the Dems. A luscious young vixen comes over to some lucky poindexter's residence for some post-partying nookie, but finds out that he's a limp-dicked Republican! No money, no honey as they say in the Singaporean prostitution biz. This is an effective ad, because pretty much everything...ever... done by a straight guy has been for the purposes of getting some action from the ladies: the Spanish-American war, founding of the new world by Columbus, and the very creation of the internet. Voting patterns should follow a similar trend.

As you can imagine, BillO flips out, but it's a bit of a double standard as Fox News employs two total babes to critique the ad (Mary Katharine Ham and Heather Nauert). If Fox News was wise in getting McCain elected, they would employ a "sexy" male to market to the ladies...and that man is an unapologetic McCain supporter and sex symbol, Wilford Brimley:



Of course you could see through this siren-like ruse to get your vote, and pick Barr, the only damn candidate who doesn't want to steal all your money for suckass social programs or send all military-aged citizens to invade the Klendathu star system.

Alessandra Bosco Updates With Pic

Alessandra Bosco, who is working hard to improve troops' morale, has contacted me with this picture. This marks the first and probably last time (unfortunately) that an Italian model will talk to me on the innertubes.

Thanks, Alessandra!

Army Wife to Boost Morale With Babeness

Alessandra Bosco: Italian Model and Milspouse

Instead of screwing over the single military guys with extra duties and responsibilities so that their precious husband can take her and the kids to some stupid minature golf bullshit (yeah, I'm not bitter or anything), this military wife is seeking to actually improve the morale of singles deployed in defense of America. From Stars and Stripes:

A Germany-based Army spouse plans to show deployed U.S. soldiers the sexy side of military gear in a 2009 lingerie calendar. Alessandra Bosco, who’s married to Sgt. 1st Class Edward McCoy of the Katterbach-based 12th Combat Aviation Brigade, said the calendar includes 12 photographs of her wearing a mixture of lingerie and military items. The young Italian bikini model said she got the idea for the calendar from soldiers who e-mailed her after checking out her Web site.

SFC McCoy is a true NCO who is looking out for his soldiers, and Ms. Bosco should be commended for her compassion in assisting lovelorn folks on their deployment. I am most impressed with the Army's high standards in seeking soulmates. After 4 months out to sea and pulling in for 7-day maintenance period, most Navy guys would be satisfied with any of the 300 lbs. women found in the many islands of the Pacific (particularly Guam).

Addendum: To avoid the wrath of Ms. Kiyum, who is not a "milspouse" but the cool lady with a cool husband in the military, I don't despise all military wives. But I do harbor resentment towards some, and they know who they are.

After 4 months out at sea, these Island ladies are lookin' good!

Thai Women with Guns

Probably Not Gonna Get Much Better Than This

Babes with guns in the Land of Smiles (that's Thailand) is about all you need to not lose total faith in humanity. The blog known as Asian Sweetheart has some pictures of them along with other pictures of Thai womens. The place is run by a blogger named "Asian Sweetheart" as well. Her English is excellent, she seems nice, and her occupation is "webmistress". Not sure what that means, but sounds like it's right up my alley. Her motivation is spelled out in her blogger profile:

What I bring you on this blog is a view into the realm of models, actresses, celebrities and every day girls of Thailand, with photos and plenty of commentary. It's a big realm full of gorgeous Thai ladies, and seems to receive little attention in the English speaking world.

Only a little attention from us farang types? I plan on visiting the site at least hourly to narrow this cultural divide.

Pravda Offers International Hope To Poindexters Who Can't Get Laid

The former Soviet-propaganda gazette, Pravda, has certainly revamped it's image since the end of the cold war, and now closely resembles a Russian version of Fox News. It has silly but enjoyable stories such as Gerbena, the lovable pooch, that ate it's masters' leather coat at a dinner party. There is also a similarity between Pravda online and Fox News in it's reporting of notable political figures engaging in shenanigans as evidenced by the article about former-Premier Gobrachev selling Louis Vitton bags. The patriotic fever shared between Fox News and Pravda can be seen in their series about the USSR solely defeating the Nazis (c'mon, Russia, what about Normandy?) and their mockery of President Bush. However, the reason that Pravda has the leg up on Fox News is because they know how to market and keep hope alive for their target demographic who would visit an English-language website of Russian origin. That collective group of internet surfers would be single-male losers looking for information on possible Russian Brides, which is the reason I have taken an interest in the web site.

Fox News has a plethora of babe commentators such as Julie Banderas and Mary Katherine Ham. However, they are clearly off-limits as they are usually surrounded by frat-boyish Young Republican co-hosters. The majority of comic book aficionados, World of Warcraft gurus, Ron Paul supporters, Star Wars fan fiction creators, and bloggers like myself would never be allowed in the same zip code as these ladies. This can leave loyal viewers bitter and disenfranchised at their lack of fantasy becoming a realization, and this perpetual rejection from mainstream media was the reason the internet was invented in the first place (thanks DARPA!). Pravda online takes on a much more shrewd technique at convincing dateless males worldwide that they have a shot with a lovely Russian bride in the article World Must be More Attentive To Male Virgins. The article attempts to quell the stigma behind men being virgins in their adulthood, and even says that some Russian beauties may be looking for a guy with little experience in lovin':

In Russia, online forums provide evidence to prove that Russian women are attracted to sexually inexperienced men. Posts from women may run as follows: “I have always wanted to have a virgin boy just for a change”, or “I am an independent personality. I am 25. I run my own business; I own a flat and a car. But I am very fastidious about my love life. I don’t need a “used” man. I want to be sure that I am his first woman. My current boyfriend is good-looking and clever. But I found out that he’d had affaires before our relationship. I don’t know whether I can forgive him. I have lots of men to choose from…But now it feels as if I picked him in a second-hand shop.”

This clever tactic of outsourcing propaganda to an international audience would make Lenin himself proud. I'm going to have to visit this web site more often, as many like me can promise young Russian women a horrifically awkward sexual experience if that's what they are into.

Russian Babes may have a thing for 30-year olds who enjoy comic books (pic from Axetopia)

Iran Not Just Hiding Their Nuke Program, They're Hiding Babes Too!

21st century Iran usually brings up my own mental image of Hezbollah thugs in Lebanon, a secretive nuclear program, and rockets whizzing over my head as I scramble for cover. But did you know that they are hiding a wide variety of Persian babes as well? Iraqi Bloggers Central has a pretty good round up for those interested in checking out babes from other parts of the globe (I'm a sailor, so it's a requirement and part of our tradition). Although, I disagree with his statement that women shouldn't be "shielded" or "occulted" away. Because, who am I to say what is wrong and what is right with someone else's culture? Many Iraqi women are just as lovely looking no matter how they dress in public. Unfortunately, it is considered extremely offensive in Arabic culture for us infidel types to stare lustfully at a women or engage in small talk you would find at a club on Saturday night. It can also prove very dangerous for the women in question if local militia/terrorist thugs find out she was flirting with the occupier (that's why it is banned to engage in relations with Iraqi women by US military policy). However, more than once a fellow sailor has quietly quipped, "Man, I'd like to see that hijab on the ground near my bed".

Yo Iran, We Want Less Weapons for Shi'ite militias, and More Babes!

The Pope Is Cool With Aliens

So...this one time I was out to sea, a few years back, standing watch and I had this strange fantasy. "Standing watch" on a submarine can roughly be explained in civilian terms by locking yourself in your closet with a bunch of other smelly dudes for 6 hours straight (no going to the bathroom, either) and making sure everyone writes down the temperature reading on the thermostat every 30 minutes. Also, you have to have your face planted on this periscope that goes outside your house and give reports to your mom (that's the captain) on the phone every so often. Anyways, I was sitting on the periscope on a really long stretch of sea time, and I swear to jeebus, I saw this thing that looked like a flying saucer. I was totally stoked that it was going to come beam me away from my misery and take me to a place filled with alien babes, beer that gets you drunk without the hangover, and an endless supply of zombie movies. To this day, I'm not sure if I missed my opportunity to achieve utopia, and everyone thought I was down right crazy. But, you know what, the Vatican says believing in extraterrestrial life is okay. From the AP:

The Vatican's chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God. The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

No one can make me fun of me, since the Pope has got my back.

Take me with you to the alien planet, your holiness!

I Heart Deranged Protester Chicks And Tattooed Armed Women

The nutty culture of Seattle provides carnal desire

I only lived in the Seattle area for 5 months until I got shipped off to Iraq, but I thought it was a pretty excellent place and I'll be heading back there shortly (assuming I don't get blowed up). I've always appreciated the cultural oddities of the Washington city, which is why I'm pleased I found the blog, My Own Side, that takes pictures of those wacky protesters (h/t Malkin). It's kind of like a Zombietime, but for the Seattle area as opposed to the Bay area.

Perhaps I've been a bit too reliant on the midget amputee porn (as TSO noted a few days ago), because for some reason I've found myself with a bizarre infatuation for deranged protester chicks on the internets. Take the girl above for instance. Assuming she is of legal age, I'd like her to berate the shit out of my political views and jump all over me...and I can't rationally say why. Besides crazy protesters, I want to see women with lots of tattoos and guns. That's why I'm making a bee-line for the Whiskey Bar in Belltown when I get back to the WA area. The entire bar is covered with art depicting hot chicks, alcohol, and guns. That and they play Troma movies combined with death metal from time to time. I'm really in no position to have any sort of standards for women in my current status, but I've just been having some odd thoughts lately that I felt would be important to share on this blog. Call me a perv if you must.

Whiskey and Chicks with Guns, Not Gonna Do much better than that

Violent Lovers Spat Downright Hilarious

In Pittsburgh, two newlyweds went clockwork orange on each other at their wedding (I'm assuming alcohol was a key factor in this):

The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn, according to police. It escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid, police said. The melee moved to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at the two guests of the other party, causing minor injuries, police charged… She left with her father, still dressed in her white gown. Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.

The one shoe part reminds me of a day of debauchery in Guam many years ago, where we had to go retrieve my buddy's lone flip-flop from a bar the following day, which he claimed an obese woman stole...possibly to eat. I guess you're not having a wild enough time if you leave the place with both shoes.

If the suicide girls ever returned my stalker-like emails and text messages so we could finally get married, I wonder if the wedding would be like this?