Trouble at Home, Throwing in the Towel

I apologize for not having written in awhile, but I've been out of the country for a job interview and orientation in Bangkok, plus I have to get all the shit in my house ready to move out. ABWF asked me to write something about the experience so here it goes. They say that spending time in far off lands gets you some perspective on your home country, and that was certainly evident in my recent escapades. I'm going to work for an NGO that promotes economic development in rural areas in Thailand and Cambodia later this year. They took me to some villages in the Isan (Northeastern) area of Thailand, which is characterized as the most economically depressed and depending mostly on agriculture. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it wasn't similar to wandering into a bamboo hut village in the middle of the jungle like in old Vietnam movies and it was anything but pathetic.

Everywhere you look people were loading up trucks full of rice bound for the markets in the city. Children were busying themselves going to and from schools on scooters. And, vendors were attempting to sell us coconuts with the tops chopped off for 10-20 baht a piece. In short, these people were working diligently to improve their situation and not waiting on the revolving door government in Bangkok to come give them a handout.

If you compare this reality with what's happening in America, it's downright frightening to experience how quickly our own country is declining due to our lack of gumption. The massive government giveaway program was passed by the President while I was away and our deficit is expected to approach WWII-era levels, which is no small chunk of change. It comes as no surprise that the stock market continues to tank as there is little hope for prosperity in the future under such a crushing amount of debt as politicians continue to buy voting blocs off with tax dollars. Instead of pulling ourselves up by the proverbial bootstraps, most Americans just seem to be looking for more handouts to continue funding living beyond our own means. The well-deserved rant of CNBC's Santelli against using taxpayer dollars to pay for people's irresponsible investment in the real estate market was met with scorn by the White House Press Secretary. I didn't know that it was the White House's job to attack critical media, but I guess Gibbs is taking notes from the Hugo Chavez playbook. These rubes received extensive tax breaks to build their little shrines to their own egos out in the burbs, and now we have to bail out these assholes? Fuck that. And look how these sheisters are repaying us using the Puget Sound area as an example.

The traffic from Seattle to suburban Bellevue is a complete clusterfuck and in serious need of better mass transit options to alleviate congestion and uphold Washington state's green image. But skeezy homeowners are already mounting opposition. From the Seattle Times:

But that convenience would unleash construction, congestion and noise upon the area, and some neighborhood residents are determined to keep light rail away from their streets.

"I believe when we bought into this neighborhood we bought into the single-family lifestyle," said Renay Bennett, president of the Bellecrest Neighborhood Association. "We like the 'burbs."

What the hell. It's like people want to live in their own little enclaves with all the benefits of civilizations minus all the inconveniences. Hemingway was certainly correct when he opined years ago on the suburbs as having "Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds". Because of attitudes like this, I have great pessimism about the future of America. This, of course, kills me to say, because I want America to be the best and brightest and spent 6.5 years in her service. But, looking at modern trends and our sad attempt to live in a Ponzi economy, it just seems like we are going to wither away. Our best bet is going to be to make sauces and trinkets for Asian tourists who come visit our country to see what a fallen giant looks like. They say that the children are our future, but looking at how they are perceiving our current fundamentals, they aren't inspiring confidence either.

(pic from Moonbattery)

Upper Middle Class Welfare

With Your Kind Donation, This Little Shit Can Get a Free Ride to College

Smart people are talking about issuing federal tax credits to the middle class so they can send their kids to college. In our "for-profit" public university system, the alarming rise of tuition seems to correlate directly with more federal subsidies, but I digress. Yglesias thinks more cash for middle-class families might have its pitfalls:

Third Way’s new proposal, by contrast, is a repackaging of this old idea from their outfit:

Families earning up to $200,000 should receive a generous new college tuition tax cut in the form of a $5,000 credit toward the costs of college tuition, fees and books.

Compared to proposals from Obama and from the DLC, this is more generous to relatively prosperous families, but does nothing for more economically struggling families.

The idea that families making close to $200K a year can't send their kids to college and they need a "bailout" is egregious. Maybe because I was fortunate enough to grow up in a family that understood the bullshit inherent in luxury items like fancy vacations to the Bahamas and the newest beemer. College for the kids was a more important priority than Mom getting calf implants, which I guess makes my family an anomaly in this day and age. Third Way is just cooking up political schemes to buy votes with other people's money.

One disturbing trend of Obama-mania is that, suddenly, middle-class Americans are more economically depressed than serfs living through the Bubonic Plague. Call me crazy, but public schools should be available to "the public", and there's actually some good idears being kicked around by the Washington State legislature to have a "progressive" or "sliding scale" tuition so kids from rougher neighborhoods pay less. It used to be about social programs for "the poor", but now it's all about social programs for "me". What kind of country are we becoming? With influential, Nobel-winning economists saying a $775 Billion hot cash injection to keep people in their McMansions isn't enough and that the government needs to do more, it's no wonder our Republic is on the verge of financial apocalypse.

Noah's Ark World Tour Comes to Washington

Hey Boss, I Might Be a Bit Late

I was almost late for work today because the road to the highway in Port Orchard was flooded over. What is this, some fucking loser country? Of course, that's small potatoes (Port Orchard, WA being a teeming metropolis of 8,250 souls) compared to the I-5 interstate being flooded between Portland and Seattle for 20 miles. From Seattle P-I:

Lt. Gov. Brad Owen declared a state of emergency Thursday as many Western Washington rivers spewed over their banks at record levels, flooding homes and causing a traffic nightmare on major freeways.

Washington State Department of Transportation Secretary Paula Hammond said floodwaters over I-5 near are expected to crest at about 10 p.m. Thursday night and it would likely be three more days until Southwest Washington's sole north/south freeway is reopened.

I-90 from the east is also closed too due to flooding, thereby preventing interstate commerce (unless you count Canada to the north). I expect normally modest Puget Sounders to become full-fledged cannibals by the end of the week now that Tofu shipments are halted. But, at least we're not "going over the cliff" like those damn Californians.

Snowpocalypse 08!

Heads Up!

Most people think the Seattle area would be one of those wintery places where people play hockey and ice-fish in long johns since it's way the hell north, but snowfall is rare here (unless you're up in the mountains). Therefore, snow removal equipment is few and far between, and they hardly use any salt because it's bad for mother earth or some bullshit. That's why this mornings commute was a wretched affair as I counted about 6 abandoned cars in the ditch, 2 semi-trucks that couldn't make it up a hill, and only one crummy snow plow.

Well we're probably doing better than Vegas.

Why did Al Gore have to open his big, fat mouth about climate change at the U.N. last week? Assuming that mother nature is an angry broad out to torture us humans, the Gore Effect makes perfectly good sense and we should expect more of the same.

Real Life Monorail Breaks...Again!

Like the famed Simpsons episode, the Seattle monorail is a major P.O.S. Not only does the line only have two stops (which you can walk between in ~20 minutes), but riding this taxpayer funded abomination can get you stranded out in the cold. Seattle PI reports:

The red Seattle Center Monorail train was stuck on a track Tuesday, a day after about 15 people had to be rescued from the same train because of an emergency brake malfunction.

The link has a decent rundown of Monorail mishaps in recent years (there are many).

Seattle is the birthplace of grunge, the bad weather keeps the geezers away, and nerdy Microsoft billionaires spend billions on urban development to distract the masses. There is no reason that Seattle can't be the bestest city on the planet, but it badly needs a decent mass transit system to compete. There is light rail in the works, but it has been stalled due to NIMBY types, and the mayor seems more interested in denying citizens their second amendment rights.

Fighting Real Crime: WA State Seat Belt "Night-time" Enforcement

With a state government near bankruptcy and job loss up the wazoo (Thousands at WaMu today), you'd think the state of Washington would seek more cost-effective law enforcement methods. But the bureauweenies in Olympia have come up with a costly scheme to "get tough" on that great scourge of our society: people not wearing their seatbelts at night. From the Washington Traffic Safety Commission:

Research shows that aggressive enforcement of the seat belt law, combined with publicity, create the greatest driver behavior change; in short, this formula gets people to buckle up. The threat of getting a ticket is a powerful motivator, far more believable than the threat of being in a collision.

This complete waste of the police's time has been advertised on TV and is costing a $1M. The Safety Commission asserts righteously states that "There is greater social deviance by those who do not wear seat belts". Well, there's greater social deviance by teenagers who sag their pants halfway down their ass, but that doesn't mean the entire state has to give up its 4th Amendment rights to be hassled for committing an offense that does no harm to anyone else. Cradle to grave nanny state. Nurse Ratched, eat your heart out.

Blogging To Be So Slowly Killed Off in WA State

End of an Era?

The editors of Reason wrote an article praising the libertarianism inherent in the aughts, calling the internet "a tax-free distributed network and alternative universe where individuals, usually without effective interference from government, can reshape their identities, transcend limitations of family, geography, and culture." The article also gives ample warning that the nature of the political beast is "the B.A. Baracus of American society, the last one through the door". Well it seems the A-team van of politics is crashing through the door in WA state. There's pressure from lobbyists to impose draconian restrictions on internet freedom in order to squash dissent. From the Seattle Times:

Lobbyist Steve Gano, who represents business clients in Olympia, said he's not troubled by activist bloggers who practice a form of journalism. But the increasing presence of Web-based advocacy groups are a different story, he said.

If an online group doesn't have to report the type of activities that would otherwise be considered lobbying, Gano asked, why shouldn't lobbyists just close up shop and relaunch their efforts online?

Steve Gano represents a host of big business interests, and the perceived "chatter" from people without ties to elite institutions must threaten his livelihood. This tactic was tried before when there was discussion in the FEC to impose restrictions on politically-themed mega-blogs Daily Kos and Red State. Most people who blog, comment, or lurk are average schmoes who can finally take what they've been talking about at the dinner table to a wide-scale audience (at low cost). A true Vox Populi. It really has been a boon to our democratic process that regular people can access information and delve into the policies affecting our world. This might shake up the ruling class that has traditionally run our society, because it's best if we shut our yaps, pay taxes, and quietly die off on the Social Security dole. Expect threats to this newfound availbility to information to come from those that seek to keep their stranglehold on power.

Riding the Tube at 2am To Sadr City

Passed Out Drunk on the Subway, A True Urban Classic For Any City

Iraq's cabinet has earmarked $3B for constructing a subway line in Baghdad:

The subway is the first in Baghdad and will have two lines. One would run 11 miles from Shiite-dominated Sadr City in the east to the predominantly Sunni neighborhood of Azamiyah in northern Baghdad. The second line would be cover 13 miles and link the mixed neighborhoods of central Baghdad to the primarily Sunni western suburbs. Both lines will have 20 stations.

That would've been unthinkable in 2007 with sectarian violence rife in Iraq's capital, and only recently did the bridge from Kadhimiyah and Adhamiyah get reopened. Good for them. But I can't fairly characterize Iraq as a "modern democracy" until hippies start bitching about stupid trees getting cut down whenever the government wants to build new infrastructure so people can get to work on time.

McCain Sign Gets the Dog Shit Treatment in Seattle

Oh man, not again! From Fox News Q13:



I keep telling you Rethuglicans to stop planting McCain signs in Seattle, and stick them across the Puget Sound in Kitsap county, where the worst thing that happens is Cletus feeds his dog a bunch of meth.

WaMu Fails At Everything

The Seattle-based Washington Mutual has become the largest bank in U.S. history to join the "FAIL" category due to bunk mortgages. From CNN:

JPMorgan Chase acquired the banking assets of Washington Mutual late Thursday after the troubled thrift was seized by federal regulators, marking the biggest bank failure in the nation's history and the latest stunning twist in the ongoing credit crisis.

Under the deal, JPMorgan Chase will acquire all the banking operations of WaMu, including $307 billion in assets and $188 billion in deposits.

I guess the "whoo-hoo" ad campaign to inspire consumer confidence didn't work out so well. No need to bring your shotgun to make a run on the bank tomorrow, because JP Morgan assures it will be a "normal transition" for customers. Gulp. In an unrelated note, Bob Barr has an extensive piece on how we got into this fuckin mess. It seems as though he's the only one that sees that the Wall St. emperor wears no clothes and compares the Treasury Department's role in this crisis as being similar to the dictatorship in North Korea. A strong metaphor, but it seems to be more true by the day.

Keepin' it Klassy in Kitsap Kounty

From the Kitsap Sun: Port Orchard Woman Arrested, Despite Claiming to be a "Nuclear Scientist"

A 23-year-old Port Orchard woman who claimed she was a nuclear scientist — and then shouted insults and obscenities at a Kitsap County sheriff's deputy — was arrested Sunday morning for assaulting the deputy.

And again from the Kitsap Sun: Stolen Bremerton Chihuahua Turns Up at Vet's After Ingesting Meth

The employee told an officer a Chihuahua had been brought into the clinic Thursday by a 40-year-old Silverdale man. The veterinarian believed the dog had ingested methamphetamine based on its strange behavior. They also believed the Silverdale man might have been high on methamphetamine, according to reports.

Sometimes, no commentary is necessary.

Our Dumb Goober-natorial Race and Getting Snitty with the Tribes

Out of State Business Interest Can't Fauxtoshop For Shit

The Republican Governors Association, a gargantuan of a 527, is pumping in money to air ads blasting the incumbent Governor in WA, Chris Gregoire, for not taking tribal money. It seems the GOP challenger, Dino Rossi, is outraged that the Governor didn't extort money from the Spokane Tribe to operate casinos on their land. The website, Casino Chris, offers a horrendous parody of Seinfeld implying the Governor as an incompetent yokel who gets swindled by the tribes because she wouldn't skim off $140M from their profit margin. One would assume that Rossi was some sort of culture warrior decrying the societal breakdown of the family unit due to casinos, but the 527 is partly funded by Nevada gaming interests! So much for the free market. The Tacoma News Tribune reports:

The latest in their summer-long assault is an ad campaign blasting Gregoire for not cutting the state in on the tribes’ gaming action. It comes courtesy of the Republican Governors Association, an organization that happens to get big donations from non-Indian gaming interests that would no doubt like to see the tribes take it in the shorts.

I actually thought Governor Gregoire did something right for a change by respecting tribal sovereignty, but a look at what she had to say a few months ago seems to suggest that she is giving off the illusion as culture warrior as well. From Seattle P-I:

Gregoire saw that as a problem and called for a renegotiation of the 2005 compact with the Spokane Tribe after receiving input from interested parties, including other tribes and local law enforcement officials, Edwards said.

"It was almost like triggering a gambling arms race in the state," he said. "What would occur under the revenue sharing is that it would have led to an almost unlimited expansion of gambling -- unlimited tables, unlimited betting -- and that is something that the governor wanted to avoid."

C'mon, a gambling arms race? Somehow I'm not seeing the connection between tribes building more craps tables with the Soviets and Americans stockpiling ICBMs.

Both Democrats and Republicans seek to limit tribal gaming in the state, but can't give up the sweet source of revenue for their crooked programs. It's pathetic that politicians only think of the multitude of tribes in WA as a constant revenue streams instead of respecting their sovereign land. When Chief Seattle said in 1854 "Your time of decay (the white man) may be distant, but it will surely come", he was obviously onto something. I bet he didn't predict it would be a bunch of suits in Olympia squabbling about how to extract more and more money from a recreational activity.

Money-Hungry Politicians Looking for More Cash

Be Part of the Eco-Stasi

A larger and scarier version of this ad was spotted on the ferry between Seattle and Bremerton. Help turn WA into a police-state. Report your neighbors and friends! Your grandma throw a cigarette butt out the car window...better sell her up the river! Join the eco-stasi today for a better and more controlled tomorrow, comrade!

Endangered Species of Mullet Threatened by Local Hairdresser

Mulletus Awesomeus species threatened in Port Orchard, WA

With the decline in hair metal at the beginning of the last decade, as evidenced by the fist-fight between Brett Michaels and CC Deville at the 91 MTV Music Awards, the mullet has been an endangered species in our fair country. The "Business up front, party in the back" ethos, which made us all feel so good about ourselves in the 80s, has gone by the wayside to make room for a generation of people woefully upset and guilt-ridden about global warming, worldwide poverty, and other politically correct causes. It is no longer socially acceptable to forego any sense of self-consciousness to strut around the mall in an Iron Maiden leather jacket while trying to get high school girls to come check out your '87 Camaro. The mullet can occasionally be spotted at Nascar racing events, midwestern amusement parks, and strip clubs in Reno, but it has long been an endangered species.

This is why I was outraged to learn that a city in the encironemntally-conscious state of WA is engaging in a campaign to maliciously purge the minority mullet population. From the Seattle Times (pictures here):

It's been more than five years since Julea Penland launched her mission "to beautify Kitsap County one mullet at a time."

The beautician began offering free haircuts to anyone sporting the once-popular "business in the front, party in the back" hairstyle because she believes they perpetuate negative stereotypes about Kitsap County.

But didn't Ms. Penland think of the cultural link to history that the mullet provides? Further in the Seattle Times:

A recent unscientific poll in Kitsap County revealed few true "legal mullets," but numerous near misses. A few men with true mullets refused to acknowledge they sported the hairstyle, while others were unrepentant about their mullet-dom.

"I know everybody makes fun of them, but I don't care," said Nick Marks, a 49-year-old yard-maintenance man from Olalla who prefers to call his hairdo " '70s style."

"My old lady likes me with my long hair and she'd kill me if I cut it off," he said.

Using the term "old lady" when referring to your spouse harkens back to a more simpler, innocent America, and the ethnic cleansing campaign to eradicate our mullet population must be stopped. Please look at these beautiful, majestic animals and write your congressman to stop the mullet genocide (all pics from Mullets Galore):

The black in the Trans Am brings out the white in the Acid-washed Denim

Ratt and Tube Socks, what more could you want, ladies?The only word to descrive this mullet: bitchin'

Sailor Accused of Child Rape

Dahmer-esque crimes seem to be happening in the Navy

Damn. A Bangor-based chief on the USS Ohio stands accused of child rape of a girl aged 13 and a boy when he was between 8 and 12 years old. Not exactly the Honor, Courage, and Commitment the Navy is looking for. This is the 4th child molestation related offense I can count in the last year. The other 3 include:

• Master Chief at Bangor convicted of molesting an 8 year old girl (October 2007)
• Master Chief in charge of base at Kitsap (where the shipyard is) charged with soliciting sex from two 12-year olds in a sting at a Bremerton hotel (March 2007)
• Pearl Harbor sailor accused of molestation of a 13-year old on a flight (January 2008)
  

It's fucked up.

My Shameless Product Loyalty to Microsoft, You Suck Apple

MacNinja, the only decent Apple product recorded in history

Seeing how I've utilized Microsoft products since the MS-DOS days (you younguns may be surprised that getting the sound card on your computer to work properly to play Doom was once a baffling ordeal), and since Microsoft is the second largest company native to WA state, I may be a bit biased in favor of them. That's why I took offense at the hipsters over at Crave mercilessly mocking Microsoft for selecting Jerry Seinfeld as the new spokesman for Vista. These techy bozos suggested using the Borg to offer "sex appeal" to Microsoft, and they also proposed having Mr. Burns be the spokesman to highlight Microsoft's supposed plutocracy. Cram that pink iPod down your throat, poindexters, because I've got some spokesman suggestions for the hopelessly inferior products that Apple turns out to the mindless masses of the world. Possible Apple spokesmen:

1) Dennis Blunden (The Fat Kid from Head of the Class): Dennis always liked to talk up a big game to Mr. Moore, a real freakin' show-off, but most of his snappy commentary was derived from the superior intellect and innovation of his unsung, nerdy friend Arvid (who looks shockingly similar to a young Bill Gates). This is similar to the Mac OS ripping off ideas from Windows to package as its own. However, like Dennis, Mac's operating systems have been fat, slow, and annoying.

2) Jack Johnson (horrendous musical talent and unfathomable douchebag): Jack Johnson's laid back tunes, that speak to a wasted life of leisure, and penchant for surfing to up his cool quotient are similar to the hipster marketing ploy that Apple has developed to pawn off their iPhones to a generation of saps. The preposterous line of thinking that the iPhone is somehow "the evolution of man" led to a recent ad using 2001: A Space Odyssey footage to sell off this consumer monstrosity. Like Jack Johnson's All at Once organization, an environmental ploy to sell more records to you suckers, the self-righteousness inherent within the Apple community to dump more plastic trinkets on the global populace is appalling.

3) Randy Constan as Peter Pan (the internet celebrity who just can't grow up): The juvenile hordes of iPod abusers, who can barely glance up from their MP3 playlists to engage in a civilized conversation, have a natural tendency to gravitate towards the antics of Peter Pan, the boy who just can't grow up. Randy Constan's hilarious tight-fitting outfits are a symbol for a generation of Apple users who never could stomach the crushing reality of adulthood, and drown themselves in a sea of infantile products to delude themselves. Also, Randy Constan's internet fame peaked around 2001-2002, which is the same time Mac's Ad campaigns reached their height of silly with the Ellen Feiss ad, a girl stoned out of her gourd giving a mumbling rendition of why you should throw money down the drain for a Mac. There has been nothing funny from Apple or Randy Constan ever since.

Guy Puts Big McCain Sign on the Wrong Part of the Sound

Simplified Map of Puget Sound

For some context, the more densely-populated, more liberal Seattle is on the eastern part of the Puget Sound, while the slightly more conservative Bremerton area (where I live) is on the Western part of the Puget Sound. Not pictured is Tacoma, which is to the south. I've lived in the area less than a year, and I enjoy different things about each part, but there's certain things you don't do. In the Bremerton area, you go with your wife to Macy's unless you want to walk home in the rain, in Tacoma you don't show up to the bar in a Volvo, and in Seattle you don't post a big McCain for Prez sign unless you want a new paintjob on your house. From Q13 Fox:

"I heard a loud splat on the front door, I walked out and looked, there was red paint all over the McCain sign," said Anderson. Anderson says he spent nearly 2 hours cleaning he paint from the sign and his home. The diehard Republican says he couldn't believe it, when the suspect showed up again at his home with more paint. "I was angry when I got to the bottom of the hill, and he was coming back for a second try," said Anderson. According to Anderson he chased the 57 year old West Seattle man who dumped the second can of paint in some nearby bushes. Anderson says the guy got away but not for long.

Mr. Anderson should've been given the advice by police that Merle Haggard got when he made a joke about Hillary Clinton last year in Seattle, "Dude, wrong side!".

About That Liberal Bias in the Media

Washington is traditionally a "blue" state, and has voted for a Dem in the general election since Dukakis. But still, you'd think the local weekly for Seattle's hipsters, The Stranger, would pick at least a few more non-Democrats in their election cheat sheet they just issued on their website. They only picked one non-Democrat, Sam Reed for Secretary of State, who seems to be a RINO in the pocket of the unions judging by his endorsements. The Stranger was also the weekly that had the Erotic Obama contest to allow readers to express their love for the Senator. Not to get all overly huffy about a fact that everyone knows anyways, but, c'mon man, only one non-Democrat? Like Code Pink's shenanigans providing red meat for those not on the same ideological plane as those opposed to the Iraq War in this country, The Stranger is only subjecting themselves to a host of criticism that's easy to whip up in the days of the uninformed commentator. At least they didn't endorse that Green Party jackass for governor who wants to turn all of the Boeing facilities into vegan dirt farms or whatever. That guy's an asshole.

Seattle Hemp Fest Lights Off

The Seattle Hempfest is currently ongoing, and there are reports that many of the baked revelers are railing against our cougaresque Gov. Gregoire for applying limits to the amount of marijuana medicinal users can possess. Currently, state law vaguely states a "60-day" supply, but new legislation would rule for a more definitive amount of 24 ounces and 6 plants. The Seattle Times reports from Hempfest the opposition to this law:

"Every single patient I know will not be in compliance with the 60-day rule. It's not going to work. It's driven by law enforcement, not science," said Douglas Hiatt, a lawyer who represents medical-marijuana users.

While 24 ounces (1.5 lbs or ~0.7kg) seems like enough for a Cypress Hill backstage pass, the root of the problem is that law enforcement should have no business fighting victimless crimes such as marijuana usage. For anyone who grew up in a town with a prevalent drug culture, you are well aware that the worst thing a stoned person could ever do is talk philosophically about the infusion of communism inherent with living in Smurf village while eating a bunch of Cheetos. Reason TV has an interview with a 34-year veteran of Seattle's Finest, where he discusses how draconian drug laws can lead to heavy-handed police work that include raiding the wrong house and jailing non-violent offenders. Our police need to devote their resources to prosecuting real crime in the Puget Sound area, and when society clamors for arbitrary laws to criminalize citizens who use a plant that grows naturally, it overburdens law enforcement assets.

This is not to say that being stoned on the job should be condoned, in the same vein that being drunk on the job should not be accepted by society. Recently, I had trouble getting some dinner at KFC because most of the teenaged staff was obviously high as a kite (bloodshot eyes, paranoia setting in that "someone would know", initial fear to help me at the register because I was in uniform, etc.), but that really is just a humorous example of routine life such as this classic article found in The Onion, and I was hardly about to call the cops.

Underwater Zombie Loose in PacNorWest

Brains No Longer Tasty (Zombie Pic From Johnathan!)

The scariest thing on the Pacific coast is no longer pirates, Green Peace, or killer whales...but freaking underwater zombies. What other explanation is there for 5 severed feet washing ashore in the last year. From Seattle Times:

Peregrin said the woman didn't initially take a close look at the shoe, but the next day, after recalling the cases in B.C., she went back to the beach and found the shoe still there. This time, she and a companion looked inside and saw the remains of a sock and some decomposing bone and tissue.

Detectives went to the scene Saturday and returned Sunday with cadaver-sniffing dogs, but they found no other evidence associated with the shoe.

Five severed feet in shoes have been found in the past year on B.C. beaches.

The underwater zombie was first discussed in Max Brooks' non-fiction guide World War Z, and that shit is scary.