I used to be...

So involved in unschooling discussions. I used to debate. I used to share my political views. I used to talk about parenting respectfully and I used to just be active online and in person. I used to promote my thoughts and opinions.

Then....peri-menopause hit me like a two ton heavy thing. Also life has thrown lots of punches in the last few years.

Now I'm just some crazy whacked out hormone imbalance that can't get it together anymore. My emotions are all over the map and I can't seem to pull myself together.

I used to be so strong and confident and determined. Now I feel weak and down. I don't want circumstances to beat me down. They are and I don't know how to stop them.

I don't know how to get out of this funk that I'm in.

Letting Go of School

                             

Letting go of school is a process that I believe is imperative to Unschooling successfully. When you start out homeschooling you go through a deschooling phase. This phase usually takes longer for parents because they have been indoctrinated longer than their children have.

If you have 12 plus years under your belt it may take you several months to deschool, maybe longer. Your children don’t have the luxury of waiting for you though. I recommend that you leave them out of it.

While you are detoxing from the system allow your child the same courtesy. If they have been in school or homeschooled they need to undo the damage of schooling.

 So many people try to unschool and then freak out and go back to math lessons or curriculum. Then they try again and keep failing. This can really confuse your child and it’s not good for you to panic about schoolish things.

School is artificial, Unschooling is natural, let it flow from one day to the next. Make one more connection, have one more moment without school. Pretty soon you won’t be thinking about grades or tests or lessons, just real life.

Education isn't about schooling at all; one is educated by learning what they need in this world. We all have different needs; we all have different abilities. That is why there are so many choices as to what one can do in life.

If you don’t completely deschool you will never fully unschool.

I’m not saying everyone can or should unschool. There are many people out there interested in Unschooling, curious as to what it’s all about. They try it on but never fully let go of school and just can’t seem to grasp it completely.

I may be in the minority but I believe that mass government compulsory schooling is doing so much harm to our youth. It makes no sense to attend an outdated institution for 12 years of your life. Being told what to do, what to think, what to believe, it leaves little for the imagination. We all know that textbooks are boring and full of mistakes and if you disagree with the teacher even if you’re right, you’re wrong. Being graded and tested is degrading to a child.

Learning is a natural thing but people have lost the ability because they have been taught that learning is a chore. It’s hard, boring and painful; it’s work, not fun.

This is of course not true but it’s what schooling will lead you to believe. Work hard, study hard, get good grades so you can grow up and join the rat race and celebrate mediocrity.

I say forget that! Venture out of the school box, let go of grades, tests, teaching, scopes, sequences, lessons, curriculum and textbooks. Let it go far away from your mind. Those things are not necessary for life learning.

Children who have never been schooled learn in a natural way. They know how to learn, they know how to think, they know how to get information.  Real learning, real education is about knowing how to obtain information.

Life...How it's been lately...

My friend said I should write about what is going on. I didn't think anyone would really want to know what's been going on but here goes...

 Things have been very tough. Three months ago my husband was let go of his job. He does own his own business and has been building it part time while working a full time job  for almost 2 years.  Just over two years ago he lost his job and was unemployed for 4 months. That was a very difficult time and I really didn't want to repeat it.

 Last year was a very prosperous year and he made more than he ever has, maybe not a lot for some people. Trust me the tax man took a big cut. We were blessed to be able to help many others in their time of need.

I really wonder why this happened again? Was I too comfortable? Was I spoiled with wine, chocolate and rock concerts? Too used to certain things because now we are going without things.

My attitude has been in a really bad place. In September he was hit, our van was totaled. We went through a 6 week ordeal dealing with bureaucratic bullshit. Long story short it was securing a loan so they paid off the loan and we have a broken van. I am not satisfied at all with this but I have tried to let it go. I admit that I still get pissed if I think about it. Things don't roll off me, they stick around until I'm good and ready to be done with them.

Times are very tough. Business is very slow. We get to where it seems something will happen then it is taken away. Doors keep closing and walls keep going up. I sure haven't seen one open after one closes, nothing to replace what was lost.


I hate all of the cliche's that you hear about going through trials. I have a hard time having faith or hope. I just don't have much evidence.

 I have been forcing myself to list the things I am thankful for everyday. I know it could be worse. I am thankful for many things but I am just so mad about so much also. I have to feel what I feel.

It really feels like so much is against us, the last 3 months have been very stressful. My body isn't doing well, my hormones and anxiety and blood pressure and stomach all need me to release the stress. I don't want to worry about the rent or the water etc.... I want to live.

I've been a   bit withdrawn and not being the best wife, mother and friend that I used to be or can be. My attitude has been sucking to say the least.

I'm trying to see the good and believe that it will be ok but it's really hard. I have no idea why this is happening or how we'll get through it. We got through it two years ago and I really thought that horrible time was over. We had a fresh start and now that is gone too.

There is something comical though. We were all used to having certain things and have had to go without or make substitutes. I bought generic cat food and the cats won't eat it. It's just funny to me that even the cats are pissed, you should see how they are acting.

The thing with these cats, they were strays that decided to stay here. They live outside because I'm allergic, I told them to go catch a mouse.

The kids are adjusting but I can see that some things are a bit hard for them. Mostly just adjusting to not having certain things or being able to go places. They do really well through this all though. I don't want them to see me being a negative bitch, I'm trying to keep it under raps. I'm trying to make the best of it, they are trying too.

Unconscious Mutterings week 460

1. Crushed ::smashed, squished, sad
2. Thanks ::I am trying to give thanks for what I have
3. Steam ::hot shower
4. Bulletin ::board, message
5. Budget ::Don't have one
6. Value ::cherish, worth
7. Aquarium ::fish
8. Logo ::letter, symbol, icon
9. Information ::internet
10. Lend ::a helping hand, an ear, money

Luna Nina

Good bye Honey

Honey was part of our family for three years. She fell sick yesterday and hung on
until about 2:40 am.

Cassie spent the day holding her and keeping her warm and comfortable. She lasted longer than we thought after the symptoms arrived. Cassie was very close to Honey and is very sad. This was our 5th guinea pig and we are taking a break for awhile. Cassie gets so attached and they just don't live very long.

Uninspired

I haven't blogged in awhile and I haven't written an article for An Unschooling Life since September.

Any thoughts, questions, ideas?

I need something to run with to get my head back in the game.

Too much stuff going on and I am completely uninspired...I got nothing...

Help?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Sleep?

This is just a little follow up that just happened right after my article was released.

We have been renting this house for 1 1/2 years and the owner decided he didn't want to own it anymore. Today it was auctioned off.

All week we have been cleaning and decluttering to prepare for the sale. We had to get up about 7:30 am to get ready by 9:00 when people would be allowed to walk through our house.

You know that out of the 6 of us only 2 do mornings well. We tried to go to bed earlier but it didn't work. I only slept from 3-6am, I just can't sleep when I know I have to get up early.

The kids only got a couple hours of sleep also. Everyone got up and got ready and had fun, well I wasn't having fun, I was miserable.

When the auction was over 2 kids napped, I laid down and went semi unconscious for an hour and the other 2 kids are doing fine.

I guess I'm just saying we got up, did what we had to do and moved on with our day.

This is an example of an outside force imposing on our natural sleep rhythms. It is difficult to go to sleep just because someone else deems it necessary. We had no say in the time of this auction and had to do our best to handle it.

As of now all of us have had a nap and some of us are really out of sorts. It will be nice to go to bed and wake up naturally.

Why do some people have kids?

I really do believe that there are lots of people out there that should not have had kids. That is another story...

I do wonder why some people have kids and then bitch about them. Tonight at the store I witnessed a mom with 3 kids bitching about her kids with the cashier. I really couldn't hear everything, I was in another lane, it just bothers me. I see so much bad parenting out there but to just complain about it to strangers????

If you change your thinking and your attitude about your children I bet they would start acting differently. You get what you give. If you are always bitching you aren't going to get happy children.


Most small kids do not like going to the grocery store as it is, it's not fun, they have to sit in the cart and they can't have any treats in the check out aisle.... They keep asking and keep getting denied....

Well actually my kids can have a candy bar or pack of gum....they get one almost every time we go. Now that my kids are older I usually go shopping by myself or just one will tag along. Now they ask me for a Twix as I'm going out the door.

I guess my point really is that we need to be aware of how we are treating our children in public and at home.

Some parents are just so dramatic and rude.


We all get tired, we all have bad moments, the key is to recognize it and do something about it to make it better.

Bitching and moaning and woe is me I'm so tired can't these damn kids behave....That will get you exactly what you give!

Sleep Freedom

My latest article at An Unschooling Life:


Sleep Freedom

Just wondering

I have seen several times over the years unschoolers turning to school or some version of school at home.

I can't help but wonder why? What happened? I also wonder if they were really unschooling in the first place. Just because you don't use a curriculum it doesn't mean you are unschooling. For my purpose here I mean learning through living, learning naturally.

I'm thinking that unschooling from the start heeds different results then coming to it later. While I have seen people leave school, deschool and unschool, it seems that some just can't quite get there. They have that niggling feeling that they need to be taught. Maybe they lack confidence in themselves or lack trust in the learning process.

Schooling interferes with the learning process. Teaching conditions people to think they need to be taught.

I'm not talking about structure, some people have the need for their day to be structured, that's fine, I think they should structure it however they wish.

My kids all have different learning styles, abilities, personalities, interests etc...

Yet they all learn, they all thrive, they all don't have the need to be taught. They don't seek out school, they know it's there, their friends go to school.

I don't believe that some people are born with the need for school, I just don't believe that. School wasn't always around so people used to learn without it. I do believe that school has come and messed up the natural learning process and some people just can't escape it for whatever reason.

It does baffle me because I live in a house full of learners.

Autodidact

Autodidact means self taught.

My children have always been unschooled, they learn naturally. They look things up, ask questions, think and figure things out.

There is a quote from Ivan Illich that says:

"School prepares for the alienating institutionalization of life by teaching the need to be taught"

My kids do not have that need, they have never had teaching, lessons, curriculum and tests.They are incredibly knowledgeable about various things. I could not have begun to teach them what they know. They have truly learned so much in their own way and time. It's their life and mind and nobody should control that but them.

They don't have fear of learning or trying something, they just dive in and figure it out. I'm here as their facilitator not their teacher.

My youngest son is 9, he has now created 3 websites, he did 99% of it himself, he asked a few questions along the way.

When one hasn't been hindered by schooling or teaching, learning is as natural as breathing.

My kids are amazing people!

Breathing

I have been having a hard time breathing for several weeks now. In May my allergies started up and it has progressed and moved into my chest. I used to have asthma when we lived in PA. I haven't had trouble since living here in TN.

I am allergic to ragweed and the weed pollen has been very high all summer. We have had and are still having an extremely hot summer with very little rain. I can't remember the last time it rained, I forgot what rain looks like. The forecast is hot and the weed pollen is high with no end in the near future.

It got so bad that I went to a clinic today and got a steroid shot and a new prescription for albuterol, I have a nebulizer and have been using some old stuff for the past few days. My chest is so tight I can't get a deep breath to get the medicine in there.

I'm hoping the shot will open me up so I can breathe again.

Anti-School

I've been seeing it around the web lately that we shouldn't be anti-school. We shouldn't be out talking against school.

I am anti-school, I will not apologize for that. I know why schools were started and they are outdated and useless, IMO.

Schools are not necessary for learning. They are a place to herd children while parents work or a place for those few neglected children to get a hot meal and safety from their abusive parents.

I do not see value in school, never have, I went to school from preschool through 2 years of college.

If homeschoolers want to get their panties in a wad because I don't like school, oh well.

I promote partnership parenting and unschooling. If I happen to diss the system that is my prerogative.

My main goal when sharing on here or facebook or wherever is to show what the purpose of school is and to show there are alternatives to school. Many people have never even given a thought to NOT sending their kids. It's automatic, it's normal, it's what society expects one to do. When more people wake up and opt out and make different choices then maybe we can actually change the system.


I'm not against having a place for kids to go because I know that most people won't home educate. The compulsory institution just isn't it.

People are people

We are all different, I don't expect anyone to be like me. I'm surprised when I find people who actually get me.

My viewpoint is unique to me and it's not usually popular.

My opinions are my own as are yours.

Sometimes I talk about things that I care about. You don't have to read it and you don't have to care.

I'm very passionate about children being raised in environments where they are respected.

I'm passionate about Unschooling. You don't have to share my passion and you don't have to Unschool.

If you are here reading I assume it's because sometimes I actually have something interesting to say.

Why do people even utter the word?

Why do homeschoolers say I'm not an unschooler but? We were unschooly today... After the books the kids did _____. Why do they have a list of excuses of why they can't be unschoolers?

Why don't they leave us out of their equation? I have often wondered why so many people are ready to talk about unschooling even though they aren't doing it.  I think there is some sort of weird affiliation, jealosy? curiosity? hatred? I really don't know.

All of these people who hate labels yet publicly use the word unschooling when they aren't unschoolers makes me wonder.

I think some people are misinformed but some think they know what we know and some just plain say hey we are unschooling at this time of day and that is what it is.


Unschooling is equated with not using a formal method of textbooks or teaching so if the kid goes off and actually looks something up they are unschooling? Really?


I've seen people say they enforce the basics but encourage *unschooling*   UGH!!!!

The basics are learned through living life, they don't need to be enforced! Stop enforcing things on your children! Live with them, listen to them, be with them, love them. Academics are such a waste of precious life.... Anyone can learn when not forced but lives in a loving environment. Nobody needs enforcement of the basics! What are the basics? Reading, writing, adding, subtracting, cooking, cleaning??? One person's list is not anothers. Hey teacher leave them kids alone!

You can tell me to shut the fuck up and back off but in reality Unschooling does mean something, it is a  real philosophy, it is a real way to live with your children.

I'm really sick of all of the bullshit on the web and people who use the term. If you aren't unschooling, admit it, move on and forget about us...Please!!!!!

Unschooling and electronics

 My latest article at an Unschooling Life
http://anunschoolinglife.com/unschooling-and-electronics/

One size does not fit all

I firmly believe this in anything. I have never fit anything, if we are talking about clothing I need an in between the sizes. If we are talking medical, I don't fit any profile and can be quite frustrating to doctors. Anything I do or say is all me, I don't fit any mold, I will not conform. I have my own unique take on everything as I'm sure you do too.

So when we are talking about learning or education yes there are many different approaches to this.

Unschooling could fit anyone because I believe it's highly individual.  Unschoolers come from all walks of life with all sorts of abilities and personalities. So I really do believe anyone could embrace the lifestyle. Many people won't because they've been conditioned to being taught. Many people have situations going  on and just can't embrace it, that's fine too. For those that can and will, it truly is wonderful.

My 4 children are very different, yet all learning, growing and thriving with unschooling. As a facilitator I help each one in the way they need it. So unschooling has many sizes to fit the individual, what's not to love about that?

"School is the advertising agency which makes you believe that you need society as it is." ~ Ivan Illich

Fantasy...or reality?

I'm starting to think I live in a fantasy world where school doesn't exist and children are free to live and learn and be and do and think and grow and create...


Actually that is reality at my house. I wish everyone could experience life with their children not complicated by school. School is an outdated institution, it is unnecessary to life and learning. We do not need to sit in a classroom all day being told what to know and think and be tested and graded.... It makes no sense to me...at all...

Schools as we know them need to be wiped out and started over. I think privatizing schools would create so much good. Little learning centers would start popping up all over the place offering different things. People who wanted or needed a school situation would have so many choices....

I know fantasy right? The only way anything will change is for people to wake up and realize the failed system can't be saved and needs a complete overhaul...But chaos would surely ensue as the sheeple wouldn't know what to do without being told.... Harsh? maybe....but true, yes I believe it is.... Except for those  that escaped the dumbing down and would do something with this new found freedom...

Alas....Until then I'll live in my real world fantasy with my children.

Meeting online friends

We had the pleasure of meeting Jen's family this week, she is the one who blogs at The Path Less Taken

They were on a 3 week family vacation and we were on the end of their trip. I've known Jen online for a few years, I think, I can't really remember when we first met online.

They drove 12 hours that day and came for dinner and stayed almost 5 hours. We had a great time talking, laughing and just being together.

Our kids all got along great and had fun.


Her family is very cool and easy to be around. It was so great to meet unschoolers in person. All of my unschooling friends are online.

We made some nice memories :)

Holding a grudge

Someone is holding a grudge against me and a friend. I honestly don't know what I did. Something happened 2 years ago on my friend's facebook wall, it was political. I don't recall commenting or getting into a debate or anything with this person.

She unfriended me and I still saw her all over the place because we had mutual friends...so I blocked her so I wouldn't have to read anything she said. We have a significantly different political view but I'm friends with lots of people that I don't agree with politically.


She was apparently still subbed to my yahoo group and I sent out a special notice to all members. She replied saying she didn't want anything to do with it after what *you two did to me*

I seriously don't know what I did. I sent her a nice email asking her to tell me what the  problem was....I talked to my friend and I just decided to let it go....

Then today I get an email from her that said *Bite Me*

I am really baffled because I have no idea what her problem is.... I'm letting it go, trying to be the bigger person here... But the feisty part of me wants to reply and tell her to FUCK OFF!

That is why I'm writing about it here, that way I get it off my chest and I can just ignore the bitch. She just better never contact me again though I can't guarantee I'll be so nice next time.

The little girl next door

I mean little, I think she is 3.

She is cute.

She is strong willed, I like that.

She wants to play with Cassie all the time. At first Cassie loved playing with her. But she has proven to be annoying and not listen.

It's not her fault... I won't get into too much detail but she lives with her grandparents(our neighbors) most of the time... Her parents are irresponsible... I won't get into my beef on that.

She is a sweet cute little thing and I want to be kind to her.

She comes over, she just walks in without knocking and she doesn't want to leave...

The truth is that kids like to be at our house, they always have.

While I pride myself on having that environment I suppose we need to draw lines.

When we lived at our old house we were the place to go for the neighbor kids. Two of those kids have become best buds with my kids. Even though we moved we still go get them at least once a week and they come and spend the night

We are the fun house... Sometimes it's exhausting and expensive...

I love kids! I hate that they are subject to their parents fuck ups and have to endure so much bullshit....

That is why we are so inviting.... They don't sense that crap here..

Quiet time

It's so weird now but I get my quiet time in the morning .

That would be my morning 11am to 1ish...

I'm up with the kids well into 2am, sometimes later. Answering questions, listening to them , helping them , feeding them, sometimes we watch a show we recorded.

I go to bed before they do now.

What is holding you back from unschooling?

Once again I have been privy to people say they are: Unschooly, Unschoolish, try to but freak out, some people say I'm unschooling and some don't, I don't care about the label...

I have blogged about this before because you either unschool or you don't. All of those people that say these phrases are not unschooling because if they were they wouldn't say things like that.

If you don't care about the label then why do you use it?

The label is useful for finding others who share your philosophy. Unschooling does mean something, it doesn't mean do what you want and call it unschooling. It doesn't mean we unschool but...we unschool on weekends, after school, we unschool but use a math curriculum.....etc....

In order to unschool you must deschool, it is imperative. You must shift your paradigm and unlearn all the stuff that school taught you about learning.

You must trust the learning process, you must trust yourself and your children.

I'm not trying to tell anyone that they should unschool.

I do get bothered by the muddy waters that these homeschoolers put out there that blurs the lines about what unschooling really is.

You might say so what, who cares?

I do apparently :)

If you aren't willing to examine why you are holding on to school then just admit it and be a homeschooler.

We have unschooled...aka...lived our lives without school all along. It is completely possible to totally unschool.

Living the Unschooling Life

This is my next article at An Unschooling Life.
Please Check it out :)
Thanks!

Grocery Store Exchange

I just had an interesting little conversation with the cashier and bagger at Kroger. I am at this store all the time, kids keep eating :)

It started with hey you are here early(I usually shop later at night) are the kids at home?  I said yes it's too hot and the fact that I'm here now is because we are out of food AGAIN.

He said yep with kids out of school they are home eating more...

I said oh we homeschool.

The cashier: Really? Wow! Do you like it?
The bagger: I could never do that, I love sports...
Me: Yes we love it and homeschoolers can play sports, they can do anything they want to do.
Bagger started talking about school, sports, homework etc....
Cashier said, "And they still learn?"

I said, "We don't do anything like school, we follow our BLISS!"

Her jaw dropped and I rendered her speechless....

I was just thinking no they don't really learn because you can only do that between 8-2, Monday-Friday with a qualified teacher....  BWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, so many people have never even relished the thought of NOT sending kids to school....It blows my mind...

I'm planting seeds and putting it out there all the time!

Growing up...

I experienced separation anxiety yesterday...

Kieran, my first born son flew out to Arizona by himself and will be there for 8 days. He has a wonderful opportunity to meet some family members and visit places like the Grand Canyon. I am happy for him!

I was having some anxiety and just didn't feel well. I teared up a few times, I didn't want him to feel it. He knows I miss him and that it's hard on me.

He has been with me for 16 years, he is my buddy, my right hand man. The only times we were away overnight was when I gave birth to his siblings. That is it!

He is an awesome person, he is bright, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, kind, helpful, responsible, mature...he is down right wonderful....

I look forward to the pictures and the stories that he will share when he returns.

I just don't know how people have a baby, put them in a crib in another room, send them to daycare, preschool, grade school, high school....Away...away... away.....

The time with our kids is precious and short lived, enjoy every moment...I've blogged about bonding before, we have a bond that will last forever.

The time goes to quickly, my baby will be 16 next week... I blinked, he's not a baby anymore, he is a young man who I admire and love.

Why would you choose this?

The older my kids get the more I realize how little time we really have with them. I have always been home with my kids, I didn't have kids to send them away. This was a very important decision to me. I was career oriented, I was in college. I believe that you can't have both successfully, one will suffer and usually it's the children.

I changed my mind, I dropped out of college and had babies. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I just wish that people actually thought before they had children. Pregnancy is preventable....

Children are not convenient and are not something to fit into your life, you need to fit into their life.

We never planned on sending them to school... I can't imagine being apart for 6-8 hours a day/5days a week for 12 years. What kind of family life and relationship do you really have?

It's coming up to that time every year that lots of parents can't wait for school to start. You see it everywhere you go, parents really can't stand to be with their children. It is a sad state to be in. I don't understand why people have kids if they don't want to be with them.

I've had more people than I care to remember say to me about homeschooling...*Oh I could never do that*  They can't stay home and be with their kids, watch them grow and learn and be their partner in life.

I believe that a big part of what is wrong in this country is the public school system and the government getting involved in the family. So many parents turn over the care of their children to the system. I don't even know if it's a conscious decision or they just do it because it's what society preaches. Little kids are groomed that one day they will go to school, adults always ask kids questions that pertain to school. What grade are you in? Do you like your teacher? What did you learn in school today? On and on...

How about we ask kids what they enjoy doing?

It's just a big beef of mine. You can say live and let live.... I try to but I can't NOT say something when it is so clear to me that there is a better way to life than school. I'm advocating for all of those kids with no choice, no respect, no time to be free and think their own thoughts.  So many kids are being stressed beyond belief to pass the test, make the grade etc....

All for what? To join the rat race of mediocrity?

There is so much more to life than school, school is unnecessary.

Why have kids and send them away for someone else to raise? Government schools are the worst place for children to grow up. They need love, nurture, respect, partnership, trust and freedom to grow up healthy, happy and whole people.

What topics are you interested in?

I'm doing a monthly article for An Unschooling Life, my next one comes out next week.

I'm looking for more ideas to write about.

Any questions about unschooling, parenting etc... that you have?

Kids grow up too fast

Today is Jared's 9th birthday. He was my last baby. We actually thought we were done after 3 kids and were planning on making that official and then I get bit by the baby bug.

You know the baby bug? Every time I saw a baby I got all emotional, I needed another baby...

So Jason saw this reaction keep happening and I told him I wanted another baby and he said OK!

Jared is such a bundle of intense energy. He has caused me to be a better, patient, understanding parent.

I have been his partner all his life, I have run intereference and helped him handle situations that other kids may not have a problem with. We would only go to Jared friendly places so he could be himself.

He was very different from my other babies right from the start. He used to scream from 1-4am the first few weeks of his life....

His perspective is different, he is intense and he thinks deeply and feels deeply.  He is  awesome, talented, artistic, has a photographic memory and can be very focused or get very frustrated.

I love this little boy more than I can express here!

Happy Birthday dear Jared!  I'm so thankful you were born!


Next month my oldest turns 16...WOW!


Enjoy your babies because you blink and they aren't babies anymore!

Real money

Our kids are doing great at saving their money in order to buy something.


Kieran saved up and bought his own computer. He did all of the research and picked all the parts and assembled it at home with his dad.

All three boys have been saving for an XBOX 360 since Christmas. They just got it this week along with a few games and another controller and flash drive for extra memory.

They all still have money left.

We are trying to instill good money habits with our kids. We don't want them in debt like we are. We have learned our lesson about credit cards the hard way.  Jason and I weren't taught to save, we were taught to establish credit....

Kieran works with Jason and earns money and now has his own bank account. The other kids have saved money from Holidays and Birthdays so far.

We are providing the example of a good work ethic and to save and pay cash because then it is yours, you own it!

Kieran's computer is awesome and he did it all and now the boys finally have a new game system.

How do you Unschool?

There is a lot of information about unschooling  on the internet. Some great and some not so great. Two favorites of mine are Sandra Dodd and Joyce Fetteroll

Many people new to the concept just want to know HOW to do it. Where to begin? What do  we do if we don't do school.

My advice is to first deschool. It is imperative to rid yourself of the years of indoctrination. This can take time, hopefully not too long. While you are detoxing from the system allow your child the same courtesy. If they have been in school or homeschooled they need to to undo the damage of schooling.


Children learn through play if  you have young kids you can check out my article.


Unschooling is living and learning, it is natural. School is artificial and school is what you need to leave behind.


Be with your kids, be interesting, curious and inquisitive. Talk about everything, discuss current events or your favorite thing.

We unschool by living our lives. My kids wake up each day and choose what they want to do. They play games, watch tv, look at books, maps, draw, create, imagine, talk, ask, research, explore etc... Each day is new, we all have a loose routine but we take each day as it comes.

Learning is happening all of the time, it's inevitable.

How do you know?

People ask homeschoolers/unschoolers questions like, "How do you know they are learning?"

That is right up there with *What about socialization* for me....

How do you know without testing or grading or curriculum?

How do you know?

Well I live with them for starters, pay attention to your kids and you will be amazed at what they know.

I do have an example.

My middle son reads articles online and then tells me about them. That is reading comprehension, right?

He reads, absorbs, and then reiterates in his own words.

Each day my kids learn so many new things and they explore ideas and concepts and discuss them.


Children absorb and make connections everyday, they are learning beings. I know that they know because they exhibit knowledge and understanding on a daily basis.

Testing, grades and curriculum are unnecessary tools in the game of real life learning.

Those are school tools and they don't measure true knowledge or understanding. They are artificial markers just as school is an artificial environment not conducive to real learning.

The way of the future or the status quo?

I believe that the way of the future will be gotten by unschoolers, out of the box thinkers and entrepreneurs to name a few.

Public school and even homeschoolers following the traditional path are not the wave of the future, they are the status quo.

School is producing more and more cogs in society, just going around that hamster wheel, not inventing anything new or blazing a trail.

Peter Thiel awarded 20 people with $100,000 to start a business and skip college. I believe that these kind of people are what the future needs. We need real change and if we as a society keep staying on the traditional path and don't get out of that box, change isn't going to come.

Some schooled people do escape the box, I did and many of you reading here did, we managed to see through the bullshit and not get dumbed down.

I see homeschooled people going through the same traditional path even after opting out of the system.


I believe that unschoolers are going to be the change. I have seen many grown unschoolers emerging into the world lately. Great things can happen when non traditional ways are followed.

Blake Boles who was an unschooler just started Zero Tuition College
I think it is an awesome idea!

I hope my kids will be entrepreneurs and innovators creating change in this world.

Parenting

My parenting convictions are rooted in trust, respect and partnership.


I have been building a foundation for 16 years. It takes time to establish trust and respect. I parent as a partner with my children. I do not believe in top down rules and arbitration.

I want the lines of communication to be open. My kids can tell me anything without fear of punishment or ridicule or shame. I do not believe in force or coercion, it undermines the child's autonomy.

I have always spoken to my kids like real people who deserve respect. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes, I apologize and do better in the next moment.

My kids are getting older and require a different level of parenting from me. It's so different when they are babies, toddlers and little people. I now have two teens and two coming up on those years quickly.

I expect that we can handle anything that comes up because of the foundation I have worked so hard to build.

As unschoolers, life learners we take everything as it comes. Each child and situation is different and warrants a different approach.

I do my best as a mother to listen to and respect my children's individuality. I never punish or shame or take anything away. I think it's wrong to act like that.

When a behavior or situation arises I want to get to the why. Acting out is always a symptom, but getting to the heart of the matter is more important than worrying about the behavior.


Talk, ask, listen, discuss, listen some more, connect and be where they are at.


They grow up so fast, I want their childhood to be pleasant and something they look back on with fondness.

Riptide

Why? I just don't get it!

I honestly don't get why the majority of people send their kids to school.

It is an artificial environment set up based on age segregation. Kids are locked away for 9 or more months of the year then let out on break only to be shuffled away to something else.   Summer school, summer camp, vacation bible school etc....

Kids don't get much time to just be kids, relax, think, reflect, choose their own path....Every waking moment is scheduled so after 12 years of in the box indoctrination they graduate into the real world.

Many can't read well, articulate a thought or do real math... Why do people believe that school is where they go to get an education? Many parents think school is teaching their kids what they need to know and don't supplement their learning by real life application.   I know there are involved parents that send their kids to school and I don't know why they bother.

Who wants that kind of education anyway?

School is nothing more than government babysitting. I'm sorry for those that are neglected at home and school is also a free meal and a place to get away from home. Those instances are rare though, at least I hope they aren't the norm.

I just stand here in awe and watch people send their kids away each year for what I don't know...

Now it's graduation time or what I affectionately call * I survived indoctrination and all I got was this lousy piece of paper*

Until people wake up to the purpose of government education our society will keep spiraling downward into the depths of sheeplehood.

I leave you with this quote:


"School is the advertising agency that makes you believe you need society as it is."

Ivan Illich

My first little article

http://anunschoolinglife.com/unschooling-the-early-years/

Writing

I keep saying I'm not a writer in person and I know I've written it here before.

I need to stop criticizing myself.

The reason I say I'm not a writer is because I have friends who are writers. I don't paint pictures or tell beautiful stories. I do tell it plain and simply, that is how I write.

There are all kinds of writers and I'm just different, doesn't mean I suck, like I think I do...

I can talk to you and answer questions about unschooling and parenting. It's so easy for me to share my philosophy in person.

I had a wonderful conversation with my aunt that I hadn't seen in 22 years. She was a school teacher for 35 years and was asking me about homeschooling. I explained what we do and how we live and she was open and said so it's like *organic learning*   Yes! See I can explain it well. I lose something between mouth and fingers though. I could dictate and have someone else write :)

That was the best talk I've ever had with a teacher, it was nice and she was so thrilled to learn what we do. She loved the kids and could clearly see that what we do was working.

Why this post?

I was asked to write an unschooling article and I'm not sure how I did... If it gets published I'll let you know.

The loss of friendship...

I had a best bud in high school, we did lots of stuff together, not all legal or right.... 

We were there for each other's tough life...

Jason and I moved to CA and we lost touch for a few years....Reconnected by phone when I was pregnant with Kieran....lost touch for several years...

We moved to PA and somehow I found her and she was in PA just a couple hours away... We had all 4 kids by then...She drove up for a visit and it was really great.


We moved to TN...she moved to another state...we found each other online again....

Then we connected on  Facebook and  found out that we have nothing in common.

As a matter of fact my views on schooling and vaccines put us at odds... Other things as well...

I just realized the other day that she unfriended me.... I guess even with our history she can't get past our differences....

Too bad, but oh well, nothing I can do, I'm leaving it and her alone....

Good - Bye!

Why is it better?

I was asked, "Why is homeschooling better than public schooling?"

I use the term homeschool lightly, there is a wide spectrum of styles. This website has the methods listed down on the left hand column.

We fall under unschooling, we don't do school at all. We live and learn period.

Some reasons why I believe home is better are :

Freedom to learn what, how and when you want. 

Freedom to eat when hungry, sleep when tired, use the bathroom as needed without permission.

Freedom from being graded and tested.

Freedom to be who you are, to figure out who you are, your likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, interests, style, hobbies etc. without being forced to conform.

Having control over your own mind and body.

Real, natural learning.

Learning in your own way and time.

Not having to conform to school standards.

Closer family.

Freedom from school schedules and constraints.

Living and learning in the real world, real life, not an artificial environment such as school.

Pictures for the indoor hockey arenas...

Jared and Brenny play hockey in the kitchen and living room so Jared made signs for the arenas.

My view

I will not apologize for being anti-school, which also means anti- teaching, as in the way schools teach.

So many people are engrained with school that they can't see past it. Some say they respect home schooling, private school, charter schools etc...while still advocating public school.

I do not want people to defend their choice of mainstream government schooling to me...I don't care...Nothing anyone could say would make me think that public school is a good idea.

I truly believe that schooling is unnecessary, it is a waste of time and resources...

It is a place to send your kids while you work, it is a place to be bullied and ridiculed and forced to do things you may or may not want to do.

It is government control...Tests and standards are not set with the child in mind but with results for bureaucrats.

I really feel bad for all of those people...

Many do not choose to go, many people don't even make the choice to send their kids, they just do it...How can compulsion be a choice?

Well you can opt out of the system completely, you do have a choice....

Honestly I wish there was no such thing as schools as we know them, I don't believe teaching should be a profession....There I said it, yes my family has several teachers in it and probably wouldn't understand why I would say such a thing.

Schools are not necessary for learning and usually inhibit the natural process.

You don't have to believe me or agree with me...just read the news, schools speak for themselves.

Indifferent

I'm just not  into Easter...

We don't make a big deal out of it.  Even when I was a christian, the Church of Christ didn't recognize Easter as a holy day. They practiced that every Sunday they celebrate the death, burial and resurrection of Christ.

As a child I remember wearing a new dress, going to church  and getting a basket of candy.

When our kids were smaller we did do baskets. Honestly my kids have candy, ice cream, cookies, several times a week so I really don't see the point of getting them a bunch on Easter. I did get them all a chocolate bunny and they decorated eggs because they wanted to.

We had a nice steak dinner because we wanted to, not for any special reason.

I'm not all ecstatic saying *He is Risen* because it doesn't make sense to me.

Yes, I do believe that Jesus died on the cross and arose 3 days later....once....not every year.

You can't even commemorate it like a birthday since it's never on the same day, heck this time it's the end of April for crying out loud.

I'm not trying to step on any toes here, it's just how I feel. We are all free to celebrate and hold our own beliefs.

The day of Easter holds nothing special for me.

Well... except it's another day that I get to spend with my family, they mean EVERYTHING to me!

Unschooling...Learning through Living

I'm a strong advocate for Unschooling, I want all people of all ages to be free to learn in their way and in their time.

It's especially important for children to be able to learn without force, coercion, scopes, sequences, tests and grades...

I've always said we are unschoolers and we are as in we don't do school, nothing that resembles school. My kids are truly free from any kind of school ways.

In that respect and in my opinion Unschooling IS living and learning, it is natural, it is free.

School is completely Unnecessary and a complete waste of precious youth. We lock our children away for 12 years then expect them to be prepared for the real world all the while keeping them from it.

We live in the real world here and now and always have, no schooling to interfere with our real lives.

Real learning takes place every minute of everyday.

Natural learning doesn't look like school and shouldn't be quantified into subjects to appease some government entity that is completely clueless about real learning.

Getting back my groove

We went on a 10 day trip to visit family and I'm just starting to feel recovered from the traveling.

There was a lot of prep before going and now just unpacking, laundry and trying to catch up on sleep this week.

It was a great time, all went well, we had a few bumps but nothing major.

The kids got to see their grandparents and we celebrated my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary.

We stayed in a cozy cottage on Lake Ontario and Jason and the boys got to do some fishing,it was so cold but they went anyway.

We did a little sight seeing on the only warm day, 50 and sunny, we went to Fort Niagara and Niagara falls, the kids had never seen the falls.

Here we are.

Glad to be home :)

An Epiphany

I have suffered with digestive problems my whole life..

I was a colicky baby and diagnosed with irritable bowel at 19.

I have had doctors telling me to eat more fiber, fiber was wheat. Wheat bread, bagels, raisin bran etc..

I cut out dairy and coffee and took fiber  supplements...This was back when I was like 20.

I have had digestive trouble and severe bloating for  years. It is awful, my gut hurts.
They gave me drugs which helped the spasms  but I now know it contributed to the slow digestion.

I don't absorb  nutrients. I have several deficiencies and my whole system is underperforming according to blood tests I had last year.

Not to mention my severe vitamin D deficiency, that has contributed to lots of prolonged sickness.

I had saliva testing done last summer and I tested positive for gliadin, which is an inflammation response to gluten.

I have been *trying*  to be gluten free since then but my downfall is pizza. So I didn't realize  the impact and I was like oh a piece of pizza can't hurt...

So every few weeks I kept poisoning myself with wheat without knowing the impact until now...

Three weeks ago was the last time I had wheat, I suffered serious chest pain/indigestion for 2 days from one piece a pizza...

I  have now realized that wheat is poison to me and that it is probably the root cause of all of my physical ailments....

Amazing and unbelievable.

I'm most likely celiac. I have not been tested, I don't need to spend any more money on tests. I have all the knowledge I need to know that I can never consume wheat again...

I've also heard from more than one source that one bite of gluten can cause up to 6 months of inflammation...

I'm only 3 weeks into it and I've had trouble for years...I'm so looking forward to actually eating, digesting and enjoying food...

I hate food,(well except pizza, chocolate and cheese) I eat out of necessity because my blood sugar makes me wonky.

Here is a site I found on celiac

I'm honored

Thank you Cindy at Guerrila Homeschooling for honoring my blog!

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Recommendation :: Giving a recommendation...not coming up with something for that one...
2. Toilet paper :: I am thankful for toilet paper!
3. Scissors :: sharp
4. Blaze :: fire
5. Frame :: Freeze frame (J.Geils band, I think), Who framed Roger Rabbit?
6. Process :: Everything is a process
7. Flight :: Fight or Flight? I live in that mode...
8. Irish :: I'm Irish but don't kiss me
9. Glasses :: cheers
10. Campaign ::  Campaign for Liberty

Luna Nina

This may come out jumbled, I would've blogged last night when it was fresh but I wasn't able to use my computer and the connection was lost on my laptop.

I got into something on another blog and I won't link it, it's not important.

What is important is that people are out there giving unschooling a bad rap. People claim to unschool and unparent.

Why would anyone freely admit to neglecting their child. Un parenting = Not parenting.

I realize parenting brings on many different styles and practices.

We practice partnership and respectful parenting. Many people practice parenting I completely disagree with.

Specifically though unschoolers that I know of practice respectful parenting or at least strive to be respectful and mindful and treat children well.

Many people I know do not like the word unschooling because of these negative connotations that people come up with.

I like the word in it's simplest form it means NOT schooling.

Of course it has many definitions.

I believe in life learning, learning through living, living without school.

I believe in parenting WITH my children not AT my children.

If I am so ignorant to believe that other unschoolers do this too then so be it.

If people are out there claiming to Un school and Un Parent I don't want to know about it.

Labels are labels they are useful to find others, they don't define me or you.

I dropped the christian label and I dropped the republican label, I don't relate to the majority of what those words mean.

I don't want to drop unschooling because people out there are tainting it.

We live and learn as if school didn't exist that won't change no matter what you call it.

Lights Out

We had strong storms blow through here last night and some tornadoes in the area. We lost our power but that is all and I'm so thankful for that.

The kids were like what are we supposed to do? I'm bored. I can't play nintendo, watch a movie or get on the computer...

We lit some candles and hung out in the living room. They were goofing off, joking, playing around, talking.

Then they started reading books, kind of hard by candle...Except Brennan, he was the most bored and didn't want to look at a book.

They said they are so glad we aren't Amish, they would hate to be without power all the time.

We had no music, then Brenny grabbed his MP3 player, it only has 5 songs on it. So everyone wanted a turn listening, he actually charged Cassie .75 and she paid him...Oh gosh it was just so funny, but I guess you had to be there...

Then I went and dug up a Mad Libs and we did a few of those.

Next thing we knew it was 2 am and we all headed to our rooms to try and sleep.

Grocery store parenting

I witnessed something today that made me feel bad for the kid and the parents. It wasn't the typical sit down or I'll spank you, of course I HATE that one.

It was a baby/toddler I'm thinking maybe 2 years old sitting in the cart saying loudly *batteries, batteries, I need batteries* Get batteries, where's the batteries*

We were at the spice section, I was looking for cinnamon and the dad was in front of it but he noticed me before I could say excuse me.

He said oh I'm sorry, I said no problem.

He told the mom to tell the kid to shut up. So she tells him to shut up he keeps talking about batteries....

Then the dad says *Will you shut the hell up* pretty loudly...

I understand the frustration that can happen having young kids in the store. I've been shopping with kids for over 15 years now.

I'm pretty positive that I've never said shut the hell up to my toddler.

Part of me wanted to say something in defense of the child but I just kept walking.

I saw them again in another aisle and the little boy wasn't yelling about batteries anymore.

It just made me stop and think to make sure I am aware of what I say to my kids.

I get frustrated, who doesn't?

It's important to be mindful of our words.

I encourage all of you to just stop and think about how you talk to your children.

Sometimes I say something and wish I hadn't and I apologize for sounding mean.

Being aware is the first step to changing.

Kids remember these things, I remember all sorts of crap that was said to me, it sticks with you.

Yes!

Ok!
Oil of Oregano Rocks!

My immune system is so much better! A couple years ago this virus would've kicked my ass for two weeks, instead two days!

My vitamin D levels must be improving! They were dangerously low 2 years ago and still low last July. That explains my long illnesses.

I was feeling like serious shit yesterday. I took 3 doses of Oil of Oregano 3 times for two days.
I'm feeling so much better!

I'm just tired and stuffed up, everything else is gone.
yeah we'll see what I  feel like in the morning!

Just had a long talk with Cassie, all sorts of questions...

Spanning from, Easter, God, dinosaurs, Jesus, big bang, monkeys, Mary, immaculate conception, Joseph, the cross,Adam and Eve, what do you believe, how do we know what is real,  faith...holy shit we covered a lot of ground!

I answered my best and talked about how glad I am that she has these questions and how I want her to form her own opinion and beliefs.

Cassie and I had an awesome conversation!

Life Rocks!
Keep it Real...
Jared is working on his gear for  his BMX outfit...

I tried...

I did good!

I can't remember the last time I was sick so it's been awhile.

I woke up today with my throat sore and it just morphed into tired, headache, body aches, swollen gland, earache, tight chest, not happy Bob, not happy!

One good thing it was 66 degrees and sunny, I went for  a walk and sat out in the yard for quite  awhile trying to get natural vitamin D.

I take a supplement everyday  but it's not the same as the real deal.

I also had a weird freak out/anxiety moment.

Jason went to look at a tub, he said, *I may be back with a tub*

He had just went a delivered a finished  tub and was going to look at another to buy.

I said those will be your famous last words, joking, he said * I don't want it to be my last words*

A few minutes later I heard sirens and got a sick feeling in my stomach...
I tried to shake it off  but I couldn't.
I called both his phones twice, no answer...

I told myself he was fine, probably no reception...

I asked God for him to call me...

More time went by, I texted him...

I washed the dishes...

He finally called me, he didn't have reception in the boonies...

UGH! I hate  feeling like that!

Not feeling well didn't help.

I watched Into The Wild tonight, true story, great movie line, sad ending....

I took a bath and had some wine and I'm heading to bed.

Hope to kick this virus in the ass!

Excellent quote!

When you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. And in that case you must be your own bad ass self without apology..." -Katie Goodman

Do you ever...

Think that you are the only one who thinks what you think, believes what you believe, feels what you feel about any given thing?

Ok, obviously I am the only one that thinks what I think in my own head but I mean a sort of hey yeah, I've thought that before...

I know I am unique, trust me, I believe we are all unique.

I believe we do have similarities with others, we as humans seek out those that are like us...

When I answer any question, respond to anything happening in the world or in my house, I know that my take on it is rare, it's not the norm, it's different.

My dear husband  loves me so but even he will tell you my views are out there on some things, hell everything, it seems.

Sometimes I really feel alone in my thoughts and opinions and most of the time that is fine, I guess once in awhile it would be nice if someone said, yeah I get  that.

But you have no idea what I'm referring to?

Nothing real specific, ask me something? I just know that my answer is different, especially in regards to parenting, school, government...

Maybe I'm having a government induced post?

In my world, it would be anarchism so well....yeah.... responsibility and respect, never gonna happen....

The state we are in now just saddens me, and really pisses me off if I let it.
The school system is knee deep in government.

Our lives, what we eat, what lightbulbs we use, what we drive,how fast we drive, when we can vote, when we can buy alcohol,  how we educate our kids, who we marry etc...

Big brother thinks they can dictate because we are too stupid, thanks to the wonderful public school system, I agree on the stupid part, BUT I  escaped, I can think for myself and I know many of my friends can too...I'm sick of it. Oh and taxation is theft.... That's a whole nother topic....

Who knows, maybe you don't care what my opinion is, I'm pretty sure the government doesn't either. But they can leave me alone to live in peace or they can bite me.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Trash :: garbage
2. Abs :: muscles
3. Dating :: fun
4. Hooked :: on phonics...oy
5. Face :: not just another pretty face
6. Algebra :: sucks
7. Reading :: railroad
8. Horrendous :: awful
9. Looks :: if looks could kill
10. Python :: snake

How exciting :)
Haven't done these in awhile
Wanna play?

Luna Nina

Cooking

Kieran has been cooking and baking quite often lately.

He has a real knack for it.

He enjoys it and he is very good at it.

It's great to have someone in the house that can cook and wants to cook :)

Life without school

Our kids have never been to school and I'm pretty sure they won't ever. I know I can't predict the future but we live as if school didn't exist because in our lives it doesn't.

We want freedom from the standards, grades, tests, subjects, schedule etc...

We live and learn each day without school.

Learning is as natural as breathing when one has never been stifled by schooling.

Learning is not a chore, it is not a lesson given by a teacher, it is not something only done Monday through Friday from 8-2.

Learning is a personal thing between the learner and the world. We can't make someone learn, sure we can try but it's artificial.

Learning through Living is the best and most easy way to learn anything.

When we want information, we seek it out, we research on the web, go to the library, ask someone who we believe may know, watch tv/movies, experiment, try something new, be creative.

School is not essential to life and it really is a hazard to an individual's learning style.

When one is not schooled, they know how they learn best and they just do it.

Think outside of the box, leap outside of the box, it's worth it!

I am amazed everyday by my children, they truly Learn through Living!

Adolescence

Noun:
the period in human development that occurs between the beginning of puberty and adulthood

I believe that our society has made adolescence into  a stuck period of time. High school is basically age 14 - 18. At a time when young people are growing and maturing we lock them up with others the same age.

It's a hormone fest for one thing. It's full of Cliques, peer pressure, bullying, grades, tests, stress, trying to be yourself or someone you're not, following the rules, breaking the rules, following the crowd, not thinking for yourself...

High School is a collossal waste of time and of youth.

I believe that teens can and should be following their interests and learning what they need when they need it. I believe that for every child.

Teens can be doing meaningful work, real work, getting paid.

I just don't see the point of high school. It is not to prepare you for the real world. What in the real world resembles school?

Nothing! Nothing at all!

School is an artificial environment set up to control the masses. It is very simple.

It is an escape for teens to get away from their controlling parents. While the school officials attempt to control, it's really the home environment that controls.

Instead of being controlled they need to be thinking and doing.

People need to be free to learn and grow and think for themselves.

They do not need to be stuck in a classroom all day being fed bullshit and regurgitating it on command.

“Your teacher cannot bridge the gap between what you know and what you want to know. For his words to ‘educate’ you, you must welcome them, think about them, find somewhere for your mind to organize them, and remember them.Your learning is your job, not your teacher’s job. And all you need to start with is desire. You don’t need a schoolteacher to get knowledge – you can get it from looking at the world, from watching films, from conversations, from reading, from asking questions, from experience.”


“Real learning requires meaning. Meaningless information can be memorized and repeated, but it’s not learning.


Grace Llewellyn

Sweet

Big brother playing with little brother :)

Importance of bonding

noun:

Bonding: A relationship that usually begins at the time of birth between a parent and offspring and that establishes the basis for an ongoing mutual attachment.

I believe that it is imperative to bond with our babies right from the womb and time of birth. I wonder if many people actually realize that it has a lasting impact on that persons life. Some may even think that babies don't remember, oh I believe they do. I am going to be the example here, I didn't realize the impact until a few years ago. 

I would say I was detachment parented. I was not breastfed or held all the time, I was left to cry, I never bonded with my parents. I did have a bond with my grandfather that I have held dear to me but he is gone and he didn't raise me. He did hold me on his chest, I was a colicky baby and he soothed me and loved me.

The bond with my grandfather lasted into childhood and adulthood even though we lived 3000 miles apart most of the time, it was there, it was special, it's still there and he died years ago.

My parents were teenagers and really not ready to be parents, I'm thankful that I'm here, that my mom had me. I had a rough childhood and a worse teenagehood. 

I didn't realize until a couple years ago what was happening, lots of memories coming back of things I wanted to forget. I had a few therapy sessions with a doctor and he said I need to parent myself. I need to be the mother to the little girl inside me that is screaming to be loved.

I need to take a break...tears...

My parents loved me in their own way, I suppose. Even now it comes with conditions at least from my father. My mom and I have come a long way but we are still very far. I know where she came from, I know my grandmother, so my mom was ridiculed and belittled her whole life, my grandmother just stopped bringing up every mistake my mom has made a few years ago. In that respect my mom did better than what she had...

Babies need to bond with their caretaker, they need to feel loved and secure. They need to know when they cry someone will pick them up and hold them and talk to them  and find out what they need. It is vital to healthy attachments later in life.

I have kept people at arms length my whole life. It is very hard for me to love and trust completely because I've been hurt so much for so long. I need to find a way to nurture my inner child, she is in there somewhere and once in awhile I do feel like that scared little girl hiding in the closet. She didn't last long though, she turned into a cold hearted bitch and that worked for her for several years.

Now she is vulnerable, feeling things she doesn't want to feel, real emotions that make her sad, hurt, alone, misguided, pissed off, damaged...



I am damaged goods and it sucks to say  that but I think it's true...



I just had a breakthrough in the tub that I will leave for a part 2...



One thing about having had therapy, I can also do it myself, it's not quite as effective but I learn new things and it's much cheaper.