Happy.MAD.Neutral

Hello all, I have no mood to talk much. Enough to say that I had a mixed feelings today.

Noon: HAPPY MOOD.
I just finish my very final paper for my first degree. Finally.

Afternoon: MAD MOOD.
I just break off my friendship with this girl. And this is my very first time to do thing like this. Yes, I never have EX-FRIEND before this. But, today I did it and I'm not regret it because as what she said, I'm such a VERY BAD friend.
Owh, don't ask me because I'm don't even remember her name anymore. I've deleted everything associated to her. Because I can't never be friend with a VEEEERRRYYYY-NICE-plus-BERHATI-MULIA's people.

Now: NEUTRAL MOOD.
Finally I can manage to neutralized my mood level after having talk with Anis. Owh yes, Anis has been experienced this feelings before, but as always, Anis is a kind hearted girl who can forget everything and be friend with that girl again. Me? Naaaaahhh..

Excuse me? Did I heard people talking about me there? Never mind, I just take it as "cengkerik" sounds.

p.s. For those who wanna know the very truth of the story, do reach me through my phone. I'll tell everything.
p.p.s. Don't have my phone number? I take that as you are not my very close friends. Sorry.
p.p.p.s. I talk about my very final semester in UUM later.

Sending lappy back to hometown?

I'm still thinking getting rid of my lappy. I'm thinking of sending my lappy back to my hometown. Leave it there. Or maybe let LOVE keep it for sometime, just until I finish my final paper on November 20th.

I'm seriously couldn't 100% focus on my study if this lappy still with me. Yes, I know. Before this I already owned this lappy and still I can study. But now, lappy seems to be the main things which really good in diverting my attention. Perhaps on surfing, blogging, YM-ing, facebooking as well as watching movies and Korean dramas.

As this is going to be my very final semester in varsity, I'm thinking if it is better for me put 200% efforts on my studying. Final exam is just around the corner. 3 weeks to go for it. And I realized it is not so much time for me. I really need to kick my ass and study and not doing another job rather than studying.

I wish I can go back to my Matriculation years. Where I don't diverting my attention into another business. Everything in my mind was just study and score well in the exam. And yes, I did succeed during my Matriculation years. My CGPA is in the first class level.

Same goes to my SPM years. I scored well too. No lappy at all. I studied with just listening to my old school walkman. No such thing like MP3 or Ipod. LOL.

As a matter of fact, I think I should go back to whom I used to be. The older Azie. With the warmth spirit. Nothing else but study. C'mon Azie..!! I know I can do it if I really focusing.

p.s. Makin besar makin kurang daya ingatan. Iskh. Iskh.
p.p.s. Apart of that, I will surely gonna missed my blog and my new interest, facebook.

I hate.

It's 4.45am now. The clock keep continue ticking. But I still couldn't even close my eyes. It tooks me couple hours to sleep. Ermm. I am confuse.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel it again, after quite sometime I haven't felt it. The loneliness comes again. Lingering in my heart.

Today is the 8th Ramadhan. I only had one chance to berbuka puasa with my family, which was for the 1st day of fasting. Then, the 2nd day I had my breakfasting meals with LOVE. Then, started from the 3rd day of fasting until today, I had my breakfasting meal with only me. No one was there.

Myra, my new roomate always having it with her friends. I don't want to be too pathetic to ask them if I can join them. My other junior coursemate not at the same college block with me. Who else I have left? No body. No one anymore. MAK and ABAH at home. LOVE also at his hometown. Ghul is not here. Lodi is not here. Jojo was gone. Lean also. Semah also is not here. Jesnita also. Hany bany also. Markonah also. I have no one closer anymore.

For the 3rd day of fasting, which was the first day I have to face all this loneliness, I wasn't felt anything. I ate my meal happily. I finished up my Transmile Case Study while having my breakfasting meal. I didn't feel anything. Zero. I was too busy in order to complete my leftover works.

Then, came up the next day. Around 6.30 pm I was gone to the UUM's Bazaar Ramadhan. Alone again. I bought kuew teow goreng kerang, 3 pieces of karipap and orange juice. Then, when I arrived at my room, I felt empty. Another lonely breakfasting. I was cried my heart out while having my meals. I can't even hold it back.

I hate to have this feeling. I hate to be alone. I hate to feel lonely. I hate to make myself to believe that no one is here with me anymore. I hate all these.

I must be crazy..

I am start to feel bad again. So bad.

BEST THERAPY

Yesterday, I went to Ipoh. Be a proxy for ABAH's company. Attended a "Seminar Peningkatan Pemahaman Program Kontraktor" by CIDB. It held at Casurina Hotel. From 8am until 4pm.

What I can say about the "seminar"? I think I have nothing to say because I didn't really give full attention. What do u guys expect? I know nothing about construction. I am an Accounting student. It was a very bored "seminar" for me. I spent all the time with reading my "P.S. I love you" novel, for my 2nd time/round reading it.

2hours for lunch break were given to all the participants (majority middle aged men). We were served with delicious meals for lunch. But I didn't enjoy it because I was a little bit shy, surrounded with old men. As a solution, I just eat two spoons of mixed vege. That's it.

I went back to my car. Started the engine, turn on the air-cond, then zzzz... About half an hour, I woke up. Heard a noise from a few guys just beside my car. S**t.

It only left about one hour and thirty minutes more. I made up my mind. Drove my car, heading Kinta City Jaya Jusco.

I parked my car at the roof top.

That time, what was in my mind just take a walk and enjoy window shopping. But...My eyes captured the word in front of VINCCI outlet. It was "SALE". OMG!!!! Up to 50% off!!! I bought only 2pairs from VINCCI. Too many people, and I was not really in the mood to "rebut2".

I went to the 2nd level. "SALE" word again. This time at NOSE. I tried several shoes. Looked at my watch. It was 2.20pm. Only left 10 minutes more for lunch break. Without wasting my time, I grabbed 3pairs of shoes and paid up at the cashier.

I just cannot control myself. I was only intended to have a window shopping. But again. It was ended up with 5pairs of shoes clung on my both hands.

And I felt much more better after that. Well, I have been not in good mood these few days. So, I can make a conclusion here. Shopping is always be the best therapy for me.

P/S: Exactly! I love shoes!

I HAVE NO IDEA FOR THE TITLE.

I was not in a good mood recently. I talked less. No laughing. No joking. No smiling. I was too lazy to picking up calls. I was too tired to replying all the messages. When people asked why I looked so sad, then I replied "takde pape, tak sihat sangat." Then, I gave them a truly fake smiles.

Me, myself also don't understand what actually happened to me. Silly me. Clearly all the problems were from my own self. I was the one who likes to think more and more. Deeper and deeper. And it hurting me so much.

I feel lonely. My heart feels lonely. I just need some space to think. To really searching the answers for all the questions in my mind. Looking back to my entire life. I really want to cry my heart out. Crying really can relieve my pain. And yes. I did it. So many times. And I felt better.

I am figuring out. Why people being too cruel to one another? Why people do things that can hurt others' feelings?

I've been read this, "Hearts are just like crystals. Once broken, we can never make it right again. Never." I do understand the meanings as I did digested it. But still, I think, we, human being do not really bother about this. Including me. Sometimes I did hurts others when I never have an intention to do so. And I feel bad for that. Sorry.

After all, I think I should put all the blames on my shoulders. I must say this. Yes people, I AM A BAD GIRL.

BIRTHDAY EXPECTATIONS

I don't know how to begin this. I am thinking if am I too demanding to write all my wish lists and expectations. Or I am just a bad girl who doesn't know how to appreciate everything and at the same time wanting more and more.

Every year, whenever my birthday coming up, I start to feel really anxious. I just cannot help it, the truth is I will always get anxious. The worst part is I will get stress out about anything regarding my coming birthday when actually nothing will happen at all. I always put high expectations of how my day is suppose to go. Or maybe how amazing it will be on my birthday. The main point is I must say that my birthday is a day with a great anxiety and stress.

When the day has comes, nothing will happen. Maybe some of my expectations might be fulfill. And the most of it do not happen at all. Not even happen with how I expect it to be. I had been experienced this kind of feelings throughout the years. The birthday expectations' lists are always letting me down. It always frustrating me.

This situation repeatedly happened this year, on my 23rd birthday. None of my hopes are actually happen today. None of it. Now, I started to think, maybe I should stop dreaming. Maybe I should just giving up all to the fate. Maybe I should not expect too much. Maybe I should find another way to makes me happy. Maybe I should communicate all of these stupid feelings to someone, somewhere.

There are many thing expected by a girl like me on our birthday. Yes, I admit, birthday is one of the day with too much expectations. Even though deep inside my heart forcing me to stop expecting and dreaming. I just cannot do that. For me, the most important is I just want my big day to be appreciated. With so much hype and not just let it over with nothing to be remember. I want my day to be the greatest day ever. I want my day to be a day which can bring an endless smiles on my face. I want my day to be something that I can proudly tell to all of my good friends. I want to show off to the whole world. Yes, so what? I don't think it is a crime for me to show off about my own birthday rite. Furthermore, it is my day. My own day.

I don't really fancy the idea of having a very big, grand and marvelous party that definitely needs a lot of money to be spend on it. I just need something really sweet which I can see the efforts on it. I just need something that can show me the love. I want to feel the love. I want to feel the excitement. I want to feel the attention. I just want it all.

As for LOVE, I am dying hoping a little bit efforts from him. I don't really expect for him to ride a white horse and picking me out to the fairy tales world. It is too ridiculous for me to expect that much. I always hope that I can spend my birthday with him. Only him. I want him to surprise me with something that can turned me out into tears. I want to treat me like I am the princess of the day. I want to be loved. I want to feel that I am loved. Is it fair for me to expect these from him?

I feel really lucky if he can remembers my birthday. And of course I will be super lucky if he gives me a card. I prefer something to keep even though it is just a simple plain card. It is more than enough for me. I don't say that I hate wishes. I just think that wishes is something I can't really keep. Something I can't remember. After all wishes are intangible rite? cannot be seen.

Apart from all of these, there is something that makes me smile every year. The love from my precious beloved family. They are never forget my big day. Especially MAK. She will put so much efforts to makes me happy on my big day. She will stay up late at night just to wish me a "Happy Birthday". It is not easy for older person like her to stay up too late at night. She will make a small family party to celebrate my birthday. She will cooks all of my favorite foods. She will cuddles me. She will never tired to keep telling about my childhood days stories to all of my family. Yes, I am really lucky.

Also, I want to thank to all of my friends. They are never forget to wish me even though I realized that I am kind of bad friend who can't even remember all of my friends' birthday. Maybe I should write down all of their days on one book. A book that can remind me not to forget to wish on their days. I don't think that save it an the hand phone is a good idea. I tried it before but seems it doesn't work. Since I just like to change my hp frequently.

I would like to finish this post with thank to everyone. Thank you for all the wishes. Thank you very much for the thoughts. Thank you very very much for the loves.

P/S: Sorry for all the grammatical errors. I just not feeling good now.

THE LATEST ME..

Here I put some photos of mine.
I took these photos yesterday.
Requested by LOVE.
He wanted to see the latest me,
since we haven't meet for almost a month.
I am just too busy preparing for my final exam.




After I took all of these photos,
only then I realized that my skin color is getting darker.
The black circle around my eyes. Sucks!!!
My hair? Sucks!!
My body figure???
Not gonna talk about my body here.
Seriously. I hate to see myself now.
I ate everything.
I took so many junk foods while I am studying.
My stomach seem "bocor".
(Nak makaaaaannnn jer..)






Well, yeah.
I should blame myself.
I am just too busying and focusing most of my time for my final exam.
Till I forget to take care of myself.






I wanna says sorry.
In fact, very sorry.
To my face.
To my hair.
To my skin.
To my body.
To LOVE.
To MAK n ABAH.
To MYSELF!




I promise.
After I finish all my papers,
I will take a very good care of myself.

But, after all I realize.
I must not really blaming myself.
I am studying. It is for my bright future.
I have to catch up everything.
I have to maintain my pointer.
I only have 2 semesters to go.
My study is not a waste!
Hehe...

AM I A MEAN PERSON?

I keep asking myself, am I really a mean person? Why can't I have more soft, lovely and kind heart like others? Why I am so different from others? Do I have an evil heart? Why everybody around me says that I have no heart? Why they accused me as a mean and very bad person indeed?

I am seriously not like what other people might think. I means I do have a heart. I do have a sentimental feelings with me. I know how to love people. In fact I do have person I loved the most. I know how to feel sorry to others. I know how to cry. I do have a very sensitive heart.

Just know, my friend dropped by my room and told me about the accident she had just a minute before. She hit a cat with her car. While she reverse the car at the parking lot. She didn't really noticed that there was a cat just behind her car. She hit the cat. The cat's leg was broke. She did cried a lot.

I don't know why I felt that was funny to listen that she did cried like a baby seeing the cat mourning with so much pain. It is really not my intention to be mean to laugh at the cat. In fact I do feels sorry for her. I just laugh to see her face with the tears. I am not laugh to that pity cat!

I admit I am not really like animals. I don't like to have a pets. I don't like the stinks made by the pets. More specific is cats. I don't like the smelly environment. Definitely come from the cats productions (shit). I don't like seeing the fur all over the place. I don't like seeing a damage at the furniture in my house. I just don't like it!

It is not like I am hating pets. I just don't really like to have it around.

Back to the topic, I told LOVE about the incident. I just giggles a bit. And he scolded me back. He said it is bad to laugh at something like that. The cat is the best friend of Rasulullah.

Suddenly, I can felt my tears running down my face. I am starting to think. Am I really a mean person. I don't like pets. Why? I just can't help it. I am really not a heartless person. Please don't accused me with something like that.

I just can't change it. I can't change my behavior to something really uncommon. I really can't lie to my own self.

Touching some other bases, I must say that there are some reasons of having a pet. I think the most important is to get rid of loneliness. Instead of that, I can't deny that some people keep pets for fun.

With having a pets, it can teaches us how to play, look after them, while at the same time aiding tolerance and understanding of each other. Lonely people are fond of keeping pets because it helps them with raising their mood, when they are in low spirits, not to feel so extremely lonely.

I can says all of these because my other siblings do own a pet or more specific is they have a lot of cats at their house. I think I am the only member of my family that don't really like to own a pets. Sometimes I feel calm seeing they playing with their own cat. Just sometimes. Most of the time I just think all the cats are so annoying.

And now, I don't know why I can't stop myself from crying again and again. I am still in tears while I am writing this entry. Why? Please. I beg everybody out there. Please don't judge me from just a one angle. I am really not a mean person. I have a heart. It is not my requests to be like this. I was born with this attitude. I was born as who I am now. I am really myself. I can't turn out to something nice-decent girl. This is me! So what?!

MONEY!!!

So many times this question crossed my minds. Almost every time when I am about to take out money from my purse. I wonder if is there have a day passed by my life without me having spent a single cent? Hell no!!!

I try to teach myself how to control my bad spending habits. I will motivate myself to start changing the spending habits into saving habits. Or maybe I can change it into some smart spending habits in order for me to be financially healthy. At the end of the day, I am still can't find the best way to control my spending habits?

My "ALONG" always said spend according to your budget. Can I? I means, I do knows that I am not from some rich family background. My family is in the moderate level. And yes, we happy to live that way.

There is a Malay proverb that says "ukur baju di badan sendiri". That means we should measure our clothes on our very own shoulders? Or what? This is the equivalent of saying that we should spend according to our budget. Fool lar Azie!!

Some might says budgeting is really a plan for us to spend without feeling guilty about it later. I think what is the most important is we need to have our spending plan in the first place. Without it, I can says that we will most likely be spending in impulse. The problem is I do have my own budget, but then it still end up with over the budget.

Well, yes. I do knows all the facts, but yet I still stuck with the bad spending habits. I still cannot avoid my impulsive buying habits. I will buy anything that definitely not in my list of needs. And when I reached home I realized that I don't really need that things. All these impulsive buying things are really throw me off budget!!

Some people likes to go for window shopping first. With an intention to make a price comparison. Then only they can decide whether to buy or not that things. Essentials enough or not to spend on it. Where and when should they buy the things.

Frankly says, I am not that kind of person. I will buy the first thing that attracts me in any such way. I did tried to go around and compare the price between one shop to another. Unfortunately, it was just wasted my time because deeply in my heart said that I want the things from the first shop. Eventhough the price is obviously different from other shops.

Another problem is branded stuffs. Some of us buy branded stuff because we are influenced by the images conjured and emotional appeal created by the advertisement itself. It not because we really need it. There shouldn't be a problem to buy a goods from the brands that we trust the most. But when we end up buying things that we don't really need or can't really afford, then it becomes a problem.

I am figure out myself if I am a brand-stuff-maniac? Hell no!!! I will buy anything. Just anything which I think cute, attractive etc. I don't really care about the brands. In my mind if it is cute, even though no-brands or "pasar malam" things, I will buy it. The cheaper the better.

The cheaper the better? Sometimes I can says that I am not really agree with it. I means if we buy something very cheap, we will end up with buying it in a large quantity. As a result, our money still gone. And that happened to me.

Owh world!!! Please help me. How can I control my very bad spending habits? In fact I have not enough money now. For maintenance. I have to buy my toiletteries. I have to buy my facial products. My hair care products. My medicine. Just everything!

Where can I get those money? I always dream if I will found a bag that fullfilled with money. What will I do with all the money? Maybe I can use it to finance my next semester's cost of study. Yes, I will not receive any loans or PTPTN next sem . I did made an application to extend my loans but seems rejected. No answer at all from them.

Maybe I can buy a new lappy . New "canggih" mobile. New car. Shhhh...BEN will hurt if he hear that.

Where can I get enough money to pay all my needs now? Ask form ABAH? No!! I am not a daughter who can sweetly "slamber" asking from my ABAH. Plus I knows better my ABAH's financial position now. Yes, I am still under his liability . That is his responsible to give me money since I am not marry yet. ABAH did gave me pocket allowance. Plus LOVE always help me out with giving me some extra bonus. But seems I am the one who doesn't know how to manage it.

Urghhh!!! Money money money!!! Really make me crazy!!!