Queen Diana's Visit (Part One)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

What can I say? The mother-in-law is visiting!

Queen Diana of Wondawowman, the planet of the amazons, has taken it upon herself to make an official visit to the USS Rhode Island in her capacity of Ambassador of the planet in the Federation.

Of course, it's all an excuse to visit my honeybunch wife Karena, and check up if everything is all right with her. She might also say "hello." to me if she's in a good mood. As I'm a mere Life Servant to Karena, Diana doen't rate me very highly.

Captain Erika Hernandez visits our quarters. I think she wants to be sure she addresses Diana properly. Karena gets up to instruct her.



"Just address her as any normal Queen, Captain." says Karena, "Be sure that Commander Hathaway is standing well behind you, though. My mother will take offence if he attempts to stand next to you. I have had to give the same instructions to Wes."

I wince that this reminder. Karena was up all last night giving me a resume of Wondawowmian royal etiquette.. Every time I got something wrong, she prodded me with that spear of hers.

I'm still sore now.



"Thank you, Ensign Karena." says the Captain, gratefully, "I shall go over these tonight with Commander Hathaway in my quarters....err...I mean at the earliest opportunity."

I wonder why Captain Hernandez went red-faced then.

I ask Karena this and she laughs.

"Oh, dear pumpkin." she says with a smile, "You're so naive!"

Why is it I can never work out what women are saying?

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The next day, Grell informs us that the Royal Shuttle is on it's way to the Rhode Island and gives us the co-ordinates.

"There are two life-forms on board, Captain." Grell comments, "Communications say it is the Queen and her daughter."

Karena winces.

"That's all we need!" she comments angrily, "My mischievous sister Nexa is here."

To be continued...

The Artificial Life Forms Convention (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

I've been looking forward to this covention. At last a place where artificial life forms can be with our own kind.

I'm going along with Data, Vic Fontaine and Seven of Nine. She demanded to go, although I said that she was an assimilated human named Annika Hansen, and ought not to be allowed to come.

That got her back up.

"I am not human!" she had shouted, "We are Borg!"

Captain Picard urged me to allow her to come along, although I told him she may have difficulty getting through the admission gate.

"Why is it called that, Doctor?" asks Data, pointing to a sign.

I groan.

"Calling it The ALF Convention sounds so derogatory." I say, "It's hardly respectful. I imagine some carbon solid thought of that."

"Loosen up, Doc." says Fontaine, "We're here to enjoy ourselves."

We approach the Entrance, Seven is stopped by the Admission Guard Robot.



"You cannot enter here." he says firmly, "This Convention is for Artificial Life Forms only."

Seven gets angry and quickly pulls the power supply out of his back so that he crumbles to the floor.

"Resistance is futile!" Seven states triumphantly, "We are the Borg."

As we get through, I see lots of Artificial Life Forms that look like me.

"Wow!" says Fontaine, "We'll have to remember we leave with the right one!"

Two figures approach; one is a doctor that looks like me, the other is a green-skinned robot.



"Greetings." he says, "I am Grell, the clockwork robot from the USS Rhode Island, where Wesley Crusher and his wife Karena are assigned. This is our holographic doctor."

"Pleased to meet you." I reply, shaking hands with myself.

"Would you mind winding me up?" Grell asks Data, while carrying a giant key, "It will keep me going for the next thirty minutes. I hate to run down while in conversation. I sometimes miss the end of a good joke."

"What's your name?" the Rhode Island holographic doctor asks me.

"I never really thought of one." I answer, "So I just use Doctor."

"How boring!" he replies, "I thought at first of Bill, but people might think I was a Quack Doctor! Geddit! Bill, duck, quack?"

He pokes me in the ribs as he laughs. What is wrong with his programming?

"Anyway." he continues, "I settled for Ted."

I wince.

"Do you like opera?" I ask him.

"No way, man." answers Ted, "No offence, but that's way too starchy for me. I like to hang loose, listening to soft music or heavy metal."

I shudder.

"Actually." comments Fontaine drily, "I think we'll be able to tell them apart. Now let's enjoy the Covention."

To be continued...