Starfleet Redundancies (Part Two)

My whole ready room is filled with noise and shouting, every member of the senior staff trying to talk above the other.

Ever since Starfleet put the word out that there are likely to be redundancies across the board, the crew have been thrown into a panic

I try to call order, but my voice cannot be heard. Bev gets a dreinking close and taps it loudly on the table. The noise goes over everything.

"Quiet for the Captain!!!" she yells out next to my ear.

I stand up and address them all when the ringing has gone from my ears.

"Now I know that you are all concerned." I start, "At this moment, we don't who what will be happening...."

"Too right!" says a female voice from the back that sounds very much like Lieutenant Britney. Others start making various complaining points.



"What about me?" protests Alyssa Orgawa, "I haven't been here that long. Is it going to be 'last in, first out'? I'm too young to be on the galactic dole queue.."

"I suppose they will be switching me off to save money!" grumbles the holographic doctor.

"There is a chance I may not be required also." Data calmly comments.



"What if Worfie gets the push?" Jadzia points out, "What will I do? There are a lot of couples here whose lives will be disrupted because of this."

A huge amount of talking ensues at this comment.

"You have a good point there, Jadzia." I say, "We need to be sure that the lives of couples and familes are not broken down as a result. I'm sure the person who comes to do the one-to-one with us will take that into account"

All of a sudden, I get a message, which I pass on to the others.

"I have just had word that the interviewer from Starfleet has arrived, and is now on board,"

To be continued after the TWQ........

Jenny & The Baroness (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

"I must say." Data informs me in our quarters, "That you have become rather obsessive about catching the female criminal known as The Baroness."

"No one is going to get away from me, Data." I reply, "I had almost caught her on that planet. No leather-clad crook is going to get away from me."



"I have noticed you looking through the computer files and copies of The Galactic Gazette for any clues as to her whereabouts." he informs me.

"So what if I have?" I retort, "I'm not going to let here beat me! What's this?"

I suddenly see a headline: 'Daring jewelry robbery on Minos III. Priceless diamonds and emeralds stolen. No clues as to thief, but witnesses saw a figure in black leather jumping from the rooftops.'

"That's The Baroness!" I yell out, "I'm coming to nab you, honey!"

When I explain the situation to Captain Picard, his reaction is predictable.

"There are no positive sightings of The Baroness, Lieutenant." he says, "So we cannot divert the Enterprise to Minos III on a suspicion."

"Well send me out in a shuttle." I say in frustration, "She's one of the most wanted criminals there is."

The Captain sighs and agrees. At this moment, Britney and T'Pol burst in, who had obviously been listening at the door, as they fell on the floor, and were both holding glass cups.



"Can we come too?" they both say, "You'll need us to catch The Baroness."

"No!" I reply, "You'll cramp my style. I work better alone"

"I think it might be better if Britney and T'Pol go with you, Lieutenant." the Captain decides, "It's just too dangerous for you to go on your own."

"Yay!" Britney shouts, and I roll my eyes.

---------

Half an hour later, I am in my leather outfit, piloting the shuttle, bound for Minos III. Behind me are an assortment of weapons, including my multiphase disruptor. Britney and T'Pol are playing strip poker.

They are supposed to protect me?

To be continued after the TWQ...

Communication Breakdown (Part Two)

Right now, everything is in disarray throughout the Federation, and here on the Enterprise. Various races cannot talk to each other with the breakdown of the Universal Translator. Communication between all ships has broken down. This occured because Admiral Nakamura insisted a new and so-called improved system be fitted in.

We all know what the  result of this would be!

Riker, Data, Beverly and I gather together along with all the staff who can speak English. Deanna is with us. Although she usually speaks in Betazoid through the Translator, she knows enough of our language.



"What are we going to do, Captain." she says, although it tends to come out as "What um we do Cap?" in her attempt to speak English.

"I'm not sure yet." I answer, "It looks like it'll be down to us to save everything again."

"It appears thart the entire system was short circuited by the influx of information that was downloaded into it." analyses Data, "As a result, the memory bank of languages in the Universal Translator was deleted. and communications between ships failed as a result."



"That's a huge loss" Annika comments, then in her Seven voice gruffly says, "Who did this should be assimilated."

"Sorry about that." apologises, Annika, "Although I'm in agreement with my other self on this. It's a massive mistake that wasn't tested before."

"Actually, there may well be an answer." Data ventures to say, "If I download all my communication knowledge into the empty Universal Translator, it should restore things. My positronic brain has the vocabulary of every language in existance."

"No!" cries out Jennifer Baxter, "You can't do this, Data!"

"It sounds dangerous, Mr Data." I warn him, "Such a copy would be huge and may damage both you and the Universal Translator."

"There doesn't seem to be an alternative solution, Captain." Riker reminds me.

As a result, we get ready to open the circuit to Data's head.



"Are you ready, Data.?"asks Geordi, who flips the lid of his friend's head up like he is about to look at a car engine. He attaches a long wire to the Universal Translator computer and flicks the switch,.

Immediately, Data's eyes start revoilving around,  and starts babbling away in various languages I've never heard before. After about five minutes, he comes to a halt and his eyes stop moving.

"Are you all right, Mr Data?" I ask hesitatingly.

He starts:

"Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was snow, and everywhere that Mary went, that lamb was sure to ...Q'Pla!" Her carries on saying languages at the same speed he did earlier, with his eyes going round. Eventually he stops again.

"Data?"

He opens his eyes.

"Hello, Captain. I trust it was all successful. Hello Jennifer. Why are you looking so pleased?"

"Yeah, that's Data all right." Geordi comments sarcastically.

Communication has been restored throughout the Federation, and the Universal Translator is restored. It's a pleasure to hear Worf and Deanna clearly..

Hopefully, whoever suggested the update is being well and truly carpeted by the President of the Federation!

Training T'Pol

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

As I have just been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander, I am currently being trained into the role by Data.

Talk about boredom! It's like listening to a recording that never stops! I wish I knew where that 'Off' button was he had.



"The next thing you should remember, T'Pol." Data drones on, "Is that when you are in command on the Bridge..."

"Give it a rest, Data!" I exclaim, "I might just have been promoted here, but two centuries ago I had that role in the mirror universe."

"The two hardly compare." answers Data, somewhat irritated, "In the mirror universe, Commanders frequently put offenders in the airlock or in the pain booth. I recall that you mentioned some time ago that Phlox put someone in because a crewman was late for his shift. Do you think your friend Britney would have survived in the mirror universe with her high level of insubordination?"

Rats. He has a point.

"I guess not." I glumly reply.

"In that case." he continues, "Learn the duties of a Lieutenant Commander in this universe, and forget about how things were back then."



I go back to filing my fingernails while Data's words go in one ear and out of the other. We are in a holodeck simulation of the Bridge.

"Now then, Lieutenant Commander T'Pol." Data instructs me, "You will sit in the Captain's chair and observe this scenario."

I get into position, having put my nailfile away.

"There is a colony that desperately needs our help from an invading enemy, yet we have to cross the borders of a offensive area where we are banned from travelling to get there quickly. What do we do?"

This is a tough one. Perhaps I shouldn't have been using my nailfile?

"Errm...tell the hostile race we are on a mercy mission?" I suggest.

"That is a possible solution." Data comments, "But what if they refuse?"

Drat. Drat. He's making it tough.

"In that case, we'll go anyway." I continue.

"We could be risking a diplomatic incident and a war by doing so....." Data reminds me.

"We have no choice." I say, "The lives of the colony members are more important. We can solve any diplomatic wrangles later on."

"Well done, Lieutenant Commander T'Pol." Data tells me, and shakes me hand, "You have successfully completed the training. You answer was correct."

Phew! A lucky guess there. I hope I don't get too many situations like that. In the future, something nasty will come up.

Deanna Troi Brainwashed (Part Four)

 Apologies for not being on earlier: Blogger changed this from 'scheduled' to 'draft'


Editor's Note:

Deanna Troi has been brainwashed by the former doctor of the Enterprise, Katherine Pulaski. Deanna has sealed the Bridge shut with a forcefield and locked the course directly into a nearby sun. She will only back down if Captain Picard agrees to deposit the Entire crew on to an M-Class asteroid so that Deanna and Katheriune can take over the Enterprise and sell it for scrap. The Captain has refused, and has considered a solution....

-----------




Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

"What?" I exclaim, "I'm no good at that Vulcan mind-meld mumbo jumbo. Remember, I'm from the 22nd century mirror universe. The Vulcans there were hardly the sort of logical types around now. Their answer to logic was to shoot and kill anyone who disagreed. It was the logical option."

"Nevertheless, T'Pol." Picard tells me, "You are the only Vulcan here, so it will have to be you."

"And how do I do that?" I protest.

Here, the Captain seems slightly stuck for an answer. He turns to Data and asks him if he can get me in.



"There might be a slight chance." Data answered, "If we can cut the force field power supply it will go off for a fraction of a second before the back-up comes on, which is on the Bridge. If T'Pol is in the transporter buffer ready to beam in, we might get her in at that time."

It all sounds risky to me, but Geordi and Data assures me that if I can't get in, they will just get me out of the buffer.

I get in position, and I feel my atoms being taken apart. That is all so disconcerting!

Suddenly I am aware that I am on the Bridge. Data's theory had worked. I see Deanna casually sitting in the Captain's chair in front of me. I rush forward to get her, but she hears my steps and turns round.



"Hah!" sneers Deanna, "If Picard could only get one person through the force field, I would have thought he would have picked someone better than you!"

She picks me up and throws me accross the Bridge. Ouch! That's another bruise I'll have to look after when I have a bath tonight!



Deanna leans over mer, about to give my the flying tour of the Bridge again when my hand shoots out and touches her forehead.

"My mind to your mind" I call out sharply, and use all my mental concentration. I'm dealing with an empath whose mind has been put through the wringer.

"AAAGGGHHH!" shouts Deanna as I connect. The result hits me like a phaser blast. Having never done this before, my head feels like it's in a fog and being thumped against a brick wall every second.

I pin the Betazoid down on the floor, sitting on top of her, with my hand remaining on her forehead. She is struggling to free herself.

"My mind to your mind." I repeat, and swirls of confusion within gradually lessen until I see images of Katherine Pulaski in the shuttle, then other images of Deanna with Will Riker which perhaps it is best not to describe. Eventually everything is clear.

"T'Pol!" Deanna exclaims, "What have I done? Let me lose. I'll fix it."

I release her, and the Betazoid rushes to the controls and unlocks the forcefields, then changes the course she set. The Enterprise turns around from it's path into the sun.

"Well done, T'Pol." says the Captain when he and the rest of the senior staff walk in.

"I'm sorry for putting the crew in danger." Deanna wails, as she savours a chocolate sundae brought in by Will Riker.

"It wasn't your fault, Counselor." Picard tells her, "We do have a very clever enemy in Katherine Pulaski. Who knows what she weill try in the future?"

Deanna Troi Brainwashed (Part Three)

Editor's Note:

Katherine Pulaski, former doctor on the Enterprise has escaped from the penal colony she was in and has managed to brainwash Deanna Troi. As a result, the Counselor has locked the ship on course for the nearest star, and is sitting in the Captain's chair on the Bridge She has put force fields all around so it cannot be entered.

----------------

Beverly and I are sleeping when the Emergency Video Monitor goes off.

"What's the matter at this time of night? I say to it grumpily.

"Sorry to wake you sir." says a desperate Riker, "It looks like Deanna has gone crazy and is flying the Enterprise into one of the local suns."

It's little snippets of news like that which can really wake someone up. Bev and I both put on our uniforms; we do it in such a hurry, I almost put her tunic on. Fortunately she stopped me just in time.

The two of us step out, and I put my "Report, Commander Riker." voice on.



"It looks grim, sir." he tells me, "Deanna was the Commander for the night shift. It seems she told all others to leaver the Bridge, she changed all Command codes to herself, put a force field around the Bridge and locked the ship on course for the sun."

I can tell it's starting to get a little warm around here. The sort of temperatures we expect when lying on the beaches of Risa.

"I need to talk to her." I say, "Can you establish a videolink?"

"I will try, sir." Data answers, "But it will only work if Deanna Troi wishes it to."

The link is accepted, and on a monitor, I see Deanna sitting casually on the Captain's Chair.



"Hi there, Jean-Luc!" she exclaims, "What's cooking, besides you and the Enterprise, that is!"

She has a long laugh to herself about that remark.

"Counselor Troi." I say sternly, "What do you think you are doing?"

"Oooooh!" Deanna answers in a giggle, "Counselor Troi is it? Very well, Captain Picard, here's the deal. We are gonna agree on a few issues before I turn this ship around."

"I don't deal with people who threaten the safety of this ship." I tell her.

"You're gonna deal with THIS one, Cappy." she replies huffily, "Otherwise it's frying tonight!"

"You'll go as well." I point. out.

"A small price to pay." Deanna answers uncaringly, "This is what you'll do. I will turn the ship around and you will voluntarily all beam yourselves on a tiny M-Class asteroid. I shall then have the Enterprise to myself, and will go to pick up Katherine."

I snap on this crumb of information, although I can guess the answer.

"Katherine? Katherine who?" I ask sharply.

"Katherine Pulaski, of course." Deanna casually admits, "She had this beautiful device that freed my mind and allowed me to see myself outside Starfleet. We will get so much for the scrap we can sell this awful ship for."

"No deal." I say sharply, as if I'm on a quiz show, and shut the viewer off.

"We've got to get on the Bridge." I tell the senior staff who are with me, "We need to be able to put her mind right. Pulaski managed to brainwash her before she got here."




"Even if we got one person on, how can we change her?" Ro Laren queries.

"A Vulcan mind-meld may do it." I say, and all eyes turn to T'Pol.

To be continued......

The Space Rift (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Data

I am currently in the shuttlecraft Galileo, and have been swallowed up by the expanding space rift that threatens the entire universe. The other side of the rift is incapable of sustaining life, which is why I am here. I am about to release an aortic energy field which may close it. If it happens suddenly, I may be trapped here. My positronic brain is under great pressure here.

--------------

The Communications network crackles.



"Galileo." it says, "This is T'Pol on Communications. Can you hear me, Data?"

"Affirmative." I reply, "I am about to release the aortic memory field." In the background, I hear my girlfriend Jennifer crying "I love you, Data."

I flick the switch, and the shuttle starts to shake. A huge energy pulse burst forth. More circuits explode on the panel. I am beginning to wonder if this is a good idea.

"Galileo." the crackly reception says. "This is Picard. Get out of there, Mr Data!"

The reception is worse than digital radio out in the hills, although I manage to ascertain what is being said. I look at my Control Panel and activate the Booster Button. I am hoping that this is not one of the circuits affected, or I am 'toast', as Ensign Britney is likely to say.

The shuttle lurches forward, and it is soom bouncing through space like the roller coaster at the Starfleet Theme Park. The stars are visible in front of me, but the rift gap is considerably smaller. Just in time, the Galileo shoots through and closes behind me.

------

"Well done, Mr Data." says the Captain, a few hours later in his Ready Room. "With your help, the Enterprise has managed to save the universe yet again."

"Yes." Commander Riker laughs, "I hope someone is keeping score on how often we do this."

I am about to answer him with a precise reply when Jennifer Baxter bursts in.



"Data, my love!" she cries, "I'm so glad you're back again. I thought I'd never see you again!"

"Nor I you, Jenny." I reply. She hugs me and almost presses my 'Off' switch, "But why are you wearing your black leather outfit? Are you going on a mission?".

"No." she answers with a laugh, "Did you forget the Underworld movie marathon is on tonight? We have ten films to sit through."

The Space Rift (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Data

I am walking towards the shuttlecraft, on what may well be a one way mission for me. A huge space rift has opened up, which may engulf the entire universe. Theoretically, the only way of closing it is to go the other side and to release an aortic energy field which will close it. The problem is that is the other side is incapable of sustaining life, it may shut off my positronic brain, or the rift may snap shut, leaving me trapped on the other side.

------------------

I climb into the craft, but hear screams behind me.



"Data, I love you." says, Jennifer Baxter, my girlfriend, "I won't be able to live without you."

"Jenny" I reply calmly, "Take it easy. I shall return before you know it. Tonight we shall cuddle on the sofa and watch the Underworld movie marathon together. I know it is your favourite."

With that, I seal the door shut, and I observe two security men leading a wailing Jennifer away.

In a few moments, the shuttlecraft is off towards the space rift.



"Computer." I ask, "How are systems?"

"All systems functioning within normal parameters."

Shortly, I approach the expanding rift.



Suddenly, there is a rush of speed, and the Galileo shuttlecraft is pulled into the rift at an alarming speed. Circuits in the shuttle start exploding. Fortunately whenever this happens on an Away Mission, they are never relevent panels.

I am knocked on the floor. When I rise, there is all blackness surrounding the craft, as if it is covered in coal dust. The stars have gone, except for a small amount in the distance. It is my only way out.

The aortic energy field needs to be activated immediately before it is too late.

To be continued....

The Space Rift (Part Two)

The universe isa in a right fix again. The Enterprise has come across a giant rift in space that is expanding at an alarming rate. Sensors and probes have shown that there are no stars, planets or lefesigns within, it looks as if the rift is incapable of supporting life. Eventually, it will grow larger than the unioverse itself and snuff out all life.
-----------

I stand up on the Bridge, and talk to the staff.

"Suggestions, anyone?" I say with gravitas. This is a last resort plea I use when I haven't a clue myself. Everyone looks around, unsure.

It's blank look time!



Seven of Nine steps forward.

"We could launch a bomb into the rift and hope it dissolves the rift."  the drone suggests.

"Hope?" Riker replies sarcastically, "It would most likely increase the rift sixe at a faster rate, like the Borg did when it invadsed the fluidic space of Species 8472."

Seven shrugs her shoulders, if that is what drones can do.

Jenny Baxter gets up



"We need to go into the rift then try and bring the pieces of space...and...and..." she stutters.

"A noble thought, Ensign." I comment, "But as the rift cannot sustain life, then all life on the Enterprise would disappear when we entered."

"Except for me, sir." Data adds, "If I were to take a shuttlecraft into the rift, I may be able to activate a aortic energy field to bring thr rift to a close."

It all sounds confusing to me, but these scientific suggestions always do. Jennifer bursts into tears at this suggestion from her android boyfriend.

"You can't go, Data!" she exclaims, "It would be a suicide mission. The rift might shut down your positronic brain, you might be closed behind the rift...you might......"

"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." Data states calmly, then looks at me.

I give permission for the shuttlecraft to be prepared. Data says his farewells to Jennifer, who has crumpled on the floor.

He lifts the Ensign up and says to her: "I shall be back."

To be continued after the TWQ......

The Space Rift (Part One)

For once, things seem to be going calmly. mThat's a sure sign that something is going to happen.

Anyway, everyone is in their positions. I am in the Captain's Chair enjoying my Earl Grey, while Riker is having coffee and a donut. Like I said, everyone is in their normal places.



"So like I said." Riker drones on, "Deanna and I were watching As The Galaxy Turns yesterday on TV and it turns out that Brad is the secret son of Jeff and Miranda, when he thought his parents were Tom and Eleanor. Not only that, Sally has been arrested by the police, but was framed by Christina who wanted they boyfriend Jack to herself. Meanwhile..."

"Sensors reveal object 20 parsecs away." Data suddenly states. What a relief that was! Saved by the android!

"What is it, Mr Data." I ask in an authoritarian voice,

"Nothing, sir" he adds.

I look at Riker and Deanna with a puzzled expression. Data is always someone who will overdescribe something that we are about to see. To say 'nothing' is minimalist.

"Whatever is that supposed to mean, Mr Data" I say, slightly irritated, "Can you elaboarate."

"Not really, sir." he answers, "What the sensors are showing is nothing...a rift in space where there is nothing in it. no stars, no planets, no life."

I order the long range viewer to show what is on the video screen.



"We'll have to put some warnings around for starships to avoid that part of space." Riker comments, "Who knows what would happen if anyone went in it?"

"That will not be an adequate solution, Commander." Data replies, "Evidence shows that the gap in space is getting larger at a huge rate. Before long it will be the dominant part of the universe and not long after is all that will be....empty blackness with all life gone."

I groan. It looks like the Enterprise will be trying to save the universe again.

To be continued...

The New Year

I'm dazed.

Getting up after the strains of a New Year party isn't easy, especially getting out of the bed. It feels like I'm magnetised to it.

New Year's Day is the one time of year that I ask the replicator for a coffee, insterad of my usual earl grey tea. Not only that, it has to be black, extra strong.

Yuk! It tastes like I'm drinking a barrel of tar, but right now, ity's about as much as I can face.

Beverly, who is slightly dazed, holds her head and struggles to get out of bed before sitting herself down.



"Jean-Luc." she mumbles, "Have you been hitting my head with a hammer all night?"

"No, of course not, Bev."

"Well it sure feels like it." she answers, and groggily staggers to the bathroom.

While she does, I try to put m,y uniform on. Only when I haver vdo I realise that it's on back to front and inside out. After two more goes, I get it right and stagger out.

I head towards the Bridge and meet Ensign Britney.



"Good morning, Ensign.Happy New Year" I say to her, who is wearing dark glasses and looks a little shaken.

"Err..hello, Captain. Happy New Year.." she answers quietly, "Could you possibly whisper, as everything seems very....ugh...."

With that, she holds her mouth and rushes off into the ladies bathroomn.

When I get to the Bridge, everyone is looking worse for wear, except Data. Worf looks gruesome as if he is thinking that today is NOT a good day to die.



"I feel like a wreck, Captain." admits Riker.

"Really, Number One." I say, dazed, "If any invaders came and attacked the Enterprise now, it could be sol;d for scrap, and us depositewd on a planet too powerless to do anything about it."

"I have taken steps to prevent that occurring." Data turns round and tells us.

"What have you done, Mr Data." I nervously ask.

" I have placed a beacon warning that the Enterprise is in the grip of a deadly infection which would affect any who tried to board it. The message should last until everyone has recovered from the effects of the party."

I smile.

"Well done, Mr Data." I tell him, "Let's get some more black coffee in."

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I groggily wake up. Clearly I have being lying on the floor.

Data is standing over me.

"What happened, Data?" I try to say, although the room as spinning round.

"Evidentally, Doctor Crusher." he answers, "The Borg Queen switched the drinks which contained the knockout pills you were supposed to give her to keep her out of trouble. As a result, she has been dancing with Captain Picard non-stop. I administered an antidote to revive you earlier than you would have done"

The room stops spinning .I recall where I am. The Enterprise crew are in The Pink Klingon bar and nightclub, celebrating the annual party. Getting up, I look towards the dancefloor. Jean-Luc looks panic stricken as he is hauled around by the Borg Queen, who has just gestured to the band The Strolling Drones to play Long Legged Woman Dressed In Black



She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black


Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock
Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock

And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night
And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time, every time, every time, every time, every time, every time
Whoa!

She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

I know the answer to that! I stride over to the band and tell them to play a rock version of Green Eyes, Red Hair



Devil’s inside her
The devil’s inside her

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her

She’s a cup of tea, she’s a Jaegerbomb
She’s an angel, she’s an Amazon
She’s a poem, she’s an alphabet
She’s a violin with a bayonet
She’s a revolution, she’s a peace accord
She’s a grain of sand, she’s the Cliffs of Moher
She’s Friday night, she’s Sunday Morning
She’s a fair wind, she’s a sailor’s warning

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s a glass house, she’s an ivory tower
She’s a tin roof, she’s a summer shower
She’s a carnival, she’s a masquerade
She’s a picket fence, she’s lemonade

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She can disappear, she can walk on water
She’s the Queen of Sheba, she’s the farmer’s daughter
She’s a cocktail dress, a cowboy boot
She’s a question mark, she’s absolute

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s got the devil inside her

As it plays, I go up to Queenie and Jean-Luc and grab the Captain.

"Look, Jean-Luc" I say, "They're playing my song."

I whisk him away, and the Borg Queen is left amazed on the dance floor until she sulks off to the bar to get a drink from the hosts Annette and Amanda.

"Well done, Bev." Jean-Luc tells me, "You came through. But how...?"

"Never underestimate a woman's determinhation to keep her man" I reply with a sly smile.

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"I fail to see how the Enterprise Christmas Party ended up here." grumbles Lieutenant Worf to me, "To think it ended up in such an establishment as The Pink Klingon is beyond the pale."



"Quit complaining, Worfie." says his wife, Jadzia, "Actiually, it's quite a beautiful place. I've just heard from some of the regulars here that many Klingons actually visit, although they are discreet about it."

Worf snorts in derision, and says a true Klingon warrior would go to The Bloodaxe,  a wild place where people have to fight the doorman and win before being allowed to enter.

As Bev and I look around, we see that the Borg band The Strolling Drones are playing light music in the background, the tune I Wanna Be Assimilated wafting through the room.

Take me now to that Cube room,
Where it's all greeny decorated,
Slap that metal on me now,
Yeah, I wanna be assimilated

As Britney and T'Pol are the regulars here, they walk lightly to the owners Annette and Amanda and exchange kisses.



"Hiya, Brit, hiya T'Pol." says the blonde haired Annette, "Glad to see you both here again. You've bought quite a few people with you.."

"Yeah." agrees the dark haired Amanda, "The party is gonna be a blast. "Hiya Captain. Planning to dance with Commander Riker?"

"No, I'll stick with Bev." I tell her in a deep voice. They both giggle.

Deanna laughs, and takes Riker on to the dancefloor when the Drones play I'm A Pretty Betazoid.

I'm a pretty Betazoid,
I'll make you unwind,
You think that,
As I can read your mind.

Jennifer Baxter arrives in a daring dress, while Data has a tuxedo.



"Greetings, Captain." Data says in his usual voice, "I hope tonmight will be a most pleasant experience."

"For goodness sake." Jenny tells him, "Data, put your emotion chip in and let your hair down!"

"But Jennifer." Data replies, somewhat confused, my hair is not up."

Bev and I walk over to the drinks, where Amanda is serving out all the wine. We both have a Klingon Bloodwine, which makes us a little dozy..



"Jean-Luc." she asks, "What are we gonna do when the Borg Queen arrives? She will want to dominate the party and take over. More than likely, she will butt in between us. You know what her affections are towards you?"

"I've thought about this, Bev." I tell her, "When she comes, you offer her a drink. It'll have this special knockout pill. It will have her sleeping like a baby while the rest of us can enjoy the party."

"You are a clever Captain!" Bev laughs, and the two of us waltz off to enjoy Fly Me To The Moon being played.. After that, a rousing rock song, Sector 57 Blues brings Btritney and T'Pol dancing together.



No time to waste,
No time to lose,
Cos I tell ya, honey,
I got the Sector 57 Blues


"Yeah, baby!" yells Britney, "Let's rock n'roll!"

"I'm with ya all the way, sweetie!" T'Pol replies.

The song comes to an end, and an official suddenly runs to the Drones, who play a trumpeting welcome.

Everyone tuirns to the door.

"The Borg Queen has arrived!" I comment gloomily.

To be continued......

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Four)

With Starbase VI almost within sensor range, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief as we drop off the man-hungry Natalia. Though she is married, and Ensign Britney's mother, she believes in 'open' relationships, so she and her husband Yul go off and seek 'other interests'. Natalia clearly has her sights set on mt, but Bev and Britney have been able to prevent any problems happening.

------------

Ambassador Natalia and I are on the Bridge, as we see Starbase VI drawing dear.



"We shall be docking with Starbase VI in one hour." Data informs us with his usual I-speak-your-weight-machine tone. He would have had a good second career as the voice of them.

"It's been a delight seeing my daughter and you, Jean-Luc." Natalia breezily replies, I'd better head down to the beam-off point. Britney has collected all my items and will be waiting for me."

"In that case, Natalia." I say in my best diplomatic voice, "I'll escort you down to the Trtansporter Room."

We get in the TurboLift and order it to go to Deck 10. Only then do I realise what I've done.

"Halt TurboLift!" Natalia shouts out, and turs to me, "Now, Captain, I believe we have some unfinished business..."

Despite me commanding the lift to move, it refuses to answer my orders.

"I know a little about electronics." explains Natalia, "I had the voice codes for the Turbolifts altered so that my voice overrides the commands of all the others. Now then, Jean-Luc. There are no red headed doctors or bald daughters who try to stop us getting together..."

"I don't think that's wise, Natalia.." I try to say...



"Jean-Luc." she says seductively, "I'm a woman with needs. Us Deltan women are well known for our love of passionate pursuits. I have the ability to seduce anyone. Just fifteen minutes in this lift with me and you will forget Beverly Crusher ever existed..."

Natalia starts to unzip her suit, as I find myself more and more hypnotised by her exotic beauty....

Suddenly the lift starts moving, to Natalia's surprise, and we arrive at Deck 10. Beverly is there, waiting for us. She smiles at me, and Natalia huffily marches Bev to the Transporter Room..

"What hasppened, Beverly?" I ask.,

"Luckily I know a lot more about Enterprise technology than she does", Bev tells me, "I programmed my voice to supersede Natalia's voice, should it appear, after a few moments."

"I think you saved me there,." I confess, "Natalia has some hypnotic technique.."

"I've heard about it." she tells, "Perhaps you ought to be wearing dark glasses if she ever appears again."

Will Riker In The Chair (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

With Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher having a fun time at a beachside medical conference, Commander Riker is in the chair. We have some across a small ship of unknown origin. Myself, Worf, Data and Jennifer Baxter haved beamed over to investigate. A force fierld has prevented us from beaming back, and we can all hear an ominous ticking.....

Data comes across a console, and we see a countdown clock with just a few minutes to go.

"It looks like in a few minutes we shall be no more." Data calmly says, "It is fotunate that I have my girlfriend Jenny by my side at this time, though I would rather she be safe."

"It is a good day to die." Worf comments in a typical Klingon manner, "So sad that I will no longer be with my wife Jadzia. How fortunate that we married recently."

"Listen to the pair of you!" Jenny says in exasperation, "You are a right pair of doom-mongers! Let's try and solve this.



Jenny aims her multi-phase disruptor at the device, but nothing happens.

"What's happened, Jen?" I ask, "Have the batteries worn out?"

"It's not battery powered!" Jennifer replies starchily, "It is nuclear powered and cannot run down."

"My tricorder indicates that a high energy field is preventing all weapons from working.



"We have to do something!" Worf shouts irritatingly.

"I agree." Jenny answers, "Data and I were meant to be trying a hot new program in the holodeck tonight."

We alll look in horror as the countdown nears zero,and our lives flash before our eves, or in Data's case, through his circuits.

The clock reaches zero and an voice rings out:

"DON'T FORGET TO TASTE A DELICIOUS GALACTIC ROLL AT MARTY'S DINER. MARTY MAKES THE BEST GALACTIC ROLLS IN THE QUADRANT!!!!  YOUR CAN FIND HIM ON FARSA IV!!!!!"

The voice stops and the forcefield is lifted. We all beam back.

"Are you all right?" asks Riker, "Whatr happened?"

"Set a course for Farsa IV" says Jenny angrilly, "Us four need to wring Marty's neck."

Will Riker In The Chair (Part One)

Guest Poster: Will Riker

I'm in the Captain's chair temporarily, as the Cap and Beverly Crusher have gone to a medical conference together. 

You might well ask why the Cap needs to go to that sort of conference. He usually likes to when Bev goes, as they can enjoy all the freebies and time to themselves. I should think that if anyone were to ask a delegate if they saw Beverly Crusher in the Conference Hall, they wouldn't recall. Serves them right for holding the event where there is beautiful sunshine, beaches and water-skiiing.

Anyway, I'll have to stop going on, otherwise this will seem like a gripe. Alright, it IS a gripe. mThe only good thing is that Deanna and I are running the show for a while. No tiresome "Make it so, Number One." comments.

I hope we see a little action, though. Not that I want an invasion, or anything like that, but solving a problem always looks good.

"Ship on our sensors, Commander Riker." Data tells me.



Deanna puts down her chocolate fudge sundae and looks concerned.

"What do you think?" I ask her.

"The sundae was delicious." she replies with a smile.

"Not that!" I say in an asnnoyed voice, "I meant the ship ahead."

"Oh, that." she answers, "I'm a little concerned as I can't detect anything."



"It's true." Ro says as she looks up from her console. "There are no lifesigns on board the ship. It is an unknown class."

"I suggest we use some photon torpedoes and blow it out of existance." Jennifer Baxter comments.

"Ensign." I reply, "We've come a long way from the James T Kirk time of destroying everything we approach. Let's send an Away Team to look at it."

A few moments later, Worf, Data, Jennifer Baxter and Ro Laren are aboard the ship.

"Do you see anything?" I ask.

"Nothing in particular, Commander." Data replies, "But my android ears have heard a ticking, and a forcefield is preventing us beaming out again."

Suddenly I wish my time in the Captain's chair was a lot quieter than this!

To be continued.......

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Three)

All the men of the Senior Staff are now in the holodeck. It has been programmed to look like a cave. What will be taking place is the Kal'Hayah, which is a sort of pre-wedding Klingon event that all males have to do. It's a sort of last hour of freedom boozathon. As Worf is getting married to Jadzia Dax shortly, we are all here to take part. I'm hosting the event, as I'm Worf's Tawi'Yan, which kind of means Best Man.

------------

We are all sitting round a fire, the effects of the Klingon bloodwine are already getting to us,



"So, Worf." asks Geordi, "What do you think about Deanna having to conduct the ceremony because she is a previous girlfriend of yours? That's a real laugh."

"It is merely part of Klingon tradition, Commander." replies Worf stuffily, "I am honoured that the Counselor will be officiating the ceremony."

"I wonder what Jadzia think?" Riker comments, "I know both Deanna and Jadzia have had some catfights in the past."

"That is history." Worf tells us, "Although Jadzia and Deanna have had their disagreements, they have made up, and each have settled down."

"It'll open up a few old wounds." laughs Geordi, "I'll bet Deanna is laughing at the thought that she has to approve the marriage and then actually conduct it."



"The Counselor did seem in remarkably good humour before we came into the holodeck." Data tells us, "she was saying to herself "will I or won't I?" as I passed her."

Worf looks glum and takes a large swig of Klingon Bloodwine.

"Relax, Mr Worf" I say to him, "I believe Deanna was just teasing with you to make you seem a little nervous."

"I agree, Worf." Riker chips in, "She's just having a little fun at your expense, now what about the mock battle you and Jadzia will do with the bat'leths before the wedding?"



"I discussed this with her a short time ago." Worf says in an annoyed tone, "Jadzia tells me that she will go easy with me."

Everybody laughs.

"I told her that it will be ME that goes easy with her." Worf continues, "She then tells me that it looks like we've got a real competition going. This is nonsense. I cannot be defeated by my bride with a bat'leth!"

"Relax, Mr Worf." I tell him, "Enjoy your last few hours as a single Klingon."

We all drink lots more bloodwine until we eventually stagger out of the holodeck with massive hangovers....except Data, who has to prop us all up.

To be continued....