Getting Old

Guest Poster: Worf

 "The indignity of it!" I angrily say as I storm back into the quarters that my wife Jadzia Dax and I share.

"Whatever has happened, Worfie?" she asks me, and gently rubs the bruises that I have.

"For the first time, I have been defeated by a WOMAN in a skilled competition. The Enterprise martial arts tournament was taking place and I was drawn against Jennifer Baxter."

"Oh dear..." Jadzia says quietly.

"Yes, well I thought she might be slightly tougher than the average woman, but still an easy victory." I tell her, "Anyway, before I know it, I was on the floor and Jennifer was victorious.."

"Oh dear..."she repeats,  "Well, Jenny is a trained fighter, and works out every day. She is toned, muscular and has taken on many in the past."


"Granted." I answer, "But she still should have been defeated by me!"

"Maybe err..." Jadzia hesitantly suggests, "Maybe you're getting a little old for that sort of thing? Jenny is young and fit, while you have been doing it for a while."

I am livid.

"Jadzia!" I exclaim, "I am a Klingon warrior, trained to fight the hardest of opponents right until old age. Klingons do NOT get old for fighting!"

"Sorry, Worfie." she answers, "Do you think you are hurt because you underestimated Jenny, and planned to gently defeat her? It sounds like she went for the quick flourish, hoping the surprise would defeat you."

"You may be right, Jadzia." I say, thinking carefully "Had we fought normally, I would have defeated Jenny easily. It is not an honourable way to win. Klingons have a Code of Honour which they abide by. Jenny does not."

I walk out again, satisfied that it was not a fair match I lost in, but think I can still hear the sound of my wife giggling as I do.

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"What are THEY doing here." I ask Riker, as the Party is about to begin.

Before Riker can answer, Annika butts in with her Seven Of Nine consiousness.





"The Borg Queen prefers her resident band The Strolling Drones to play in the holographic nightclub, rather than one put together by a computer." she says sniffily.

"Now see here, Seven...." Riker starts to complain.

"It's all right, Will." I tell him, "A live band probably is better, even if they are just Borg drones. If it will keep Queenie placated, then we will go along with it."

The drones set up their instruments. I must say, they look smart in their bow ties and black suits, despite being covered in metal and having an implant over one eye.

------------

Not long after, the guests are starting to pour in. Bev is standing next to me by the piano.



"You look a little tense, Bev." I say to her, "Anything wrong?"

 "No, Jean-Luc." she answers, "I'm just wondering what trick the Borg Queen is going to use to get you away from me so you two can dance all evening."

"Relax, Bev." I tell her, "You and I both have our dance cards full throughout the entire Party...and our names are one each other's"

"Oh, Jean-Luc." see says before kissing me, "You always know what to say."

Worf comes up to me, wearing an evening suit, but still sporting a phaser.

"Excuse me, Captain." he warns me, "I have had warning that the Borg Queen has arrived and will be making her entrance shortly."

"Thank you, Mr Worf." I answer, but before he can say anything, his wife Jadzia Dax whisks him on to the dancefloor where the Okey Cokey is just starting up. Worf looks annoyed at this, and I can lip read his protest to Jadzia that "A Klingon warrior does not do the Okey Cokey!"

Our gay crew officers Lieuternant Britney and T'Pol go over to meet their friends Annette and Amanda, who they met last year. They were the proprieters of the gay bar where the last Enterprise Christmas Party was held.



I do my best not to listen in, but the four of them all talk very loud.

"It's so good to see you two again." Annette says, hugging them, "Thank you for inviting us."

"Well I tried to get the party at your place again, but you-know-who wouldn't let us." Britney answers.

I feel my ears burning at that one.

"The four of us don't get together very often." Amanda adds, "I'm glad you did, "We can get in some serious drinking and dancing done here"

"Absolutely, let's head to the bar." T'Pol comments, "The first round is on us."



"Yeah, what's your favourite?" asks Britney as their voices go out of earshot. Bev nudges me in the ribs as a way of telling me not to eaversdrop.

Suddenly, The Strolling Drones stop their music and play a fanfare of music. Obviously it is to herald the arrival of their leader.

The Borg Queen whisks her way into the holographic nightclub, flanked by two drone guards. She looks around, sees me and heads my way.

The Queen walks up and smiles, ignoring Bev after a cursory greeting and glance. The bodyguards position themselves between me and Bev.





"I'm looking forward to dancing and smooching with you ALL night, Jean-Luc." she quietly says in my ear. As we were lovers when I was assimilated, the Borg Queen has always had designs on me.

"Sorry, Queenie." I answer, "I'm with Bev.".

The Queen looks around, and as Bev is stuck behind the drones, she is not visible. "I see no Bev." Queenie teasingly says, and drags me towards the dancefloor.

While the two of us dance a smoochy number, I see Bev storm off outside, and hear her tell Deanna that she is going to put on an outfit that will put that Queen in the shade.

To be continued.....

Christmas Party Planning

With the senior staff all gathered in my Ready Room, we are all assembled for the most important meeting of the year. To discuss plans for the Enterprise Christmas Party.

"Would anyone like to put their suggestions to where it should be held this year?" I ask. This is a neat way of passing the buck to the others as I haven't an idea myself.

"Definitely not in a gay bar like we did last year!" Worf gruffly barks out.



"Why not!!" yell out Lieutenant Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol almost together.

"I was approached by a young man named Nigel." answers a reddening Worf, as his wife Jadzia laughs next to him, "He suggested that I go outside and see his phaser gun. Naturally, I declined, but he still occasionally sends me messages."

Somehow, I resist the urge to laugh out loud, and see Annika Hansen is about to stand. I wonder which consiousness is dominating her?



"It must take place in a Borg Cube or at the very least a holographic representation of it ." she answers in her firm Seven voice, "The Borg Queen will expect an invitation, so it is rightful you maker her seem at home, especially as we Borg have extended a truce..."

She stops, sits down and starts talking to herself. It's clear that her Annika consiousness is having a few things to say about her suggestions.

"Can't we just have it in a holographic night club?" Will Riker suggests, "After all, it is the Enterprise Christmas Party. Visitors will just have to accept it the way it is."

"I agree, Will." pipes up Deanna, plus a few other individuals.

"Very well." I decide, "We will have the party on Monday 5th November in a holographic nightclub."

"The Queen will not like this." mumbles Annika in her Seven voice.

"Yes she will, Seven." I retort, "I think the Borg Queen knows how to enjoy a party a lot more than you do. If you don't like it, loosen up and let Annika enjoy it. This will be her first Enterprise Christmas Party."

Seven goes out in a huff.

I'm sure I'm sowing the seeds for more Party disasters.

Communication Breakdown

"I don't know why we need to do it." I protest to Admiral Nakamura, who is visiting the Enterprise.

"Change is essential." states the pint-sized official, "If we are to keep up as a force in this changing universe. It has been years since the communication system was administered, Picard. The new one will be far better."

"I always say 'If at ain't broke, don't fix it', Admiral." I mutter to him.



"Now that's just the sort of backward-thinking we are trying to discourage, Picard." Nakamura angrily tells me, "We want to look to the future, "If the world were full of people lioke you, we wouldn't have got as far as the telephone. Activation of the new system throughout the whole of Starfleet will commence in ten minutes."

He strides off.

"Is Shorty causing more trouble, sir? Riker asks me.

"Yes he is, Number One." I answer, "The trouble is, the system is untested. They are going to throw the switch and assume all communication will be faster, especially the Universal Translator."



"But what if.....?"  Riker starts to say.

"Yes," I reply, "What if....?"

--------------

A few minutes later, the Admiral proudly flicks the switch. Lights buzz on brightly, then all off.

The Admiral starts talking a strange language, which I later realise is Japanese. He can't understand my English voice either. The Universal Translator has broken down!

I try and communicate with other ships, but there is no answer. All connection in Starfleet has juddered to a halt and we can't understand each other!



Worf strides up and spouts some incomphehensible Klingon dialogue

" jIH ta'laHbe' nuq 'oH ja'ta'".   (note: "I can't understand what anyone is saying.")


Then...


"lI'be!"    (note: "Useless!"

We've got to try and get things back to how they were, otherwise the Federation is doomed.

To be continued.....

Will Riker In The Chair (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

With Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher having a fun time at a beachside medical conference, Commander Riker is in the chair. We have some across a small ship of unknown origin. Myself, Worf, Data and Jennifer Baxter haved beamed over to investigate. A force fierld has prevented us from beaming back, and we can all hear an ominous ticking.....

Data comes across a console, and we see a countdown clock with just a few minutes to go.

"It looks like in a few minutes we shall be no more." Data calmly says, "It is fotunate that I have my girlfriend Jenny by my side at this time, though I would rather she be safe."

"It is a good day to die." Worf comments in a typical Klingon manner, "So sad that I will no longer be with my wife Jadzia. How fortunate that we married recently."

"Listen to the pair of you!" Jenny says in exasperation, "You are a right pair of doom-mongers! Let's try and solve this.



Jenny aims her multi-phase disruptor at the device, but nothing happens.

"What's happened, Jen?" I ask, "Have the batteries worn out?"

"It's not battery powered!" Jennifer replies starchily, "It is nuclear powered and cannot run down."

"My tricorder indicates that a high energy field is preventing all weapons from working.



"We have to do something!" Worf shouts irritatingly.

"I agree." Jenny answers, "Data and I were meant to be trying a hot new program in the holodeck tonight."

We alll look in horror as the countdown nears zero,and our lives flash before our eves, or in Data's case, through his circuits.

The clock reaches zero and an voice rings out:

"DON'T FORGET TO TASTE A DELICIOUS GALACTIC ROLL AT MARTY'S DINER. MARTY MAKES THE BEST GALACTIC ROLLS IN THE QUADRANT!!!!  YOUR CAN FIND HIM ON FARSA IV!!!!!"

The voice stops and the forcefield is lifted. We all beam back.

"Are you all right?" asks Riker, "Whatr happened?"

"Set a course for Farsa IV" says Jenny angrilly, "Us four need to wring Marty's neck."

Jadzia & Worf's Honeymoon (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

After the initial difficulty of checking in at the Hotel Amour on the planet Lurrve, Worfie and I about to enjoy our honeymoon. He has told me that tonight, there is no need for me to break his clavicle again, and not to ever tell anyone that I did that, as he would never live it down on the Klingon homeworld.

------------

After a night of fun that befits a honeymoon couple, the two of us head down to the hotel pool, where I dive in.



"Come in Worfie!" I yell, when I emerge, "Put your swimming trunks on and get in. I'll  race you to the other end."

"Klingon warriors do not put on swimming trunks and frolic around in hotel pools." he replies, stuffily.

"Well take off all your clothes and jump in naked!" I answer quickly, "Loosen up and enjoy yourself!"



"Jadzia!" Worf replies in a shocked voice, "There are people listening!"

"So what!" I reply, "Most of the women around the pool are topless. I think I'll join them"

I undo my swimming costume and start to roll it down...

Worf runs to the nearest chair, grabs a towel and covers me with it. He takes me up to our room, and covers my mouth so that I can't protest.

"What was all that about, Worfie?" I say when we get there, "If I want to lie naked in the sun, I will, and you won't stop me."

"I agree, Jadzia" he says, "But we are one our honeymoon, and I won't want anyone else seeing you the way I will."

I smile.



"Worfie." I tell him, "You can be so stuffy, yet such a romantic as well."

I kiss him.

"Now what was I going to do while down at the pool...?" I teasingly ask.

----------------

Editor's Note: Apologies...this should have been published last|Wednesday

Jadzia & Worf's Honeymoon (Part One)

Guest Poster: Worf

Jadzia and I have arrived at the Hotel Amour on the planet Lurrve for our honeymoon. We are both looking forward to it. My shoulder is still aching a little from Jadzia having broken my clavicle on our wedding night. She did not ralise that the man is supposed to break the woman's bone for good luck. 

Still, as long as a clavicle is broken, then that is all right. Both of us go up to the Reception.



"Err...hello." says the weird looking receptionist, as he glares at me, "I'm Alan, what can I do for you?"

Jadzia does her best to stop laughing at the fact that an alien has such a name. Obviously given to him by the hotel, as his real name is probably unpronouncable.

"Well...errr....Alan." giggles Jadzia, "I am Jadzia Dax, and this is my new husband, Worf. We booked the Honeymoon Suite some time ago, so can..."

Alan looks panic stricken and hastily bsays, without looking at the list, "Err....we're full up...go somewhere else."

I am about to go into Klingon Warrior mode, but Jadzia beats me to it.



"Now listen, flatface!" she shouts, pulling him across the reception desk, "My husband and I booked this room through through GlobalWeb Hotel Bookings. I have the receipt right here."

"Yes." Alan replies, "But you did not say that one of the guests would be a Klingon."

"So?" we both ask.

"Well." he explains, "We have had to impose a policy because Klingon guests in the past have got up to raucuous behaviour in the past, and often trashed the rooms."

"If you let us in." I tell him angrily, "I won't trash the hotel room....and I won't tear up the reception, either!"

"Very well." he says reluctantly, "You may stay."

After the two of us have our room keys we head to the elevator.

"Are you sure you won't trash the room, Worfie?" she asks me.

"I won't." I reply, "But after a few bottles of wine, I can see YOU doing it, Jadzia!"

To be continued......

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Six)

Bev and I are sitting in the front row in the holodeck, where the Klingon wedding ceremonial building has been programmed.

Worf and Jadzia Dax is standing by the altar, about to be married. The ceremony is being conducted by Deanna Troi, who has that role as she was Worf's former lover.

  

I hand Bev another tissue. She tells me she always cries at weddings. Fortunately, I've got a whole stock stuffed in my pockets.

As Worf have just completed their bat'leth fight, which all have to go through at a Klingon wedding ceremony, we are now ready to get through to the 'main event of the evening', as Riker whispers to me.

"Let's hope Deanna's remembered her Klingon words for the ceremony." Riker whispers, ""She was up all last nght memorising it. I had to give her three chocolate sundaes to help her stay awake."

I turn round, and Deanna is poised, ready to start. I've added the translation fir the benefit of all readers who haven't been to a Klingon wedding before.

"Hovmey So'Ha' bIngDaq Qam SuvwI',  

The warrior stands beneath the naked stars  

poSDaq jaghpu', 

nIHDaq jaghpu'

 Enemies to the left, enemies to the right

	Dat chaHtaH they are everywhere.

SuvtaH SuvwI  The warrior fights continuously.

	batlh Suv nIteb Suv He fights with honor. He fights alone.

SuvlaHchu' 'ach Heghbej He can fight perfectly but he will certainly die

vaj mamuvchuq  thus, we join one another

cha' moj wa'  one becomes two

tuq moj cha'  two becomes a household

mangghom moj tuqmey  houses become armies

wo' chen mangghommey

armies build the empire

Deanna looks relieved after that marathon spell. She turns to Worf.

"Worf....bISawrup'a'?"......"Worf, do you marry her?"

Worf replies "Hija."  "Yes" (did you really need a translation there?")

Deanna then look at Jadzia.

"Jadzia..bInayrup'a'?...."Jadzia, do you marry him?"

Jadzia replies with a "Hija." as well.

Deanna then finds a dagger that she has hidden in some part of that skimpy dress, though I don't see where it was, and continues. Jadzia and Worf stand back as Deanna holds the dagger up high; they both attempt to reach the dagger. As they hold on to it, the dagger comes to waist level.

"bInayrup'a'?  Today, you are un-alone.

	DaHjaj tagh wo'  Today the Empire begins."

The blade is withdrawn, leaving Jadzia and Worf holding hands.

"pItlh.  Finished."

We all standup and shout "QAPLA!", which means 'success'.

The couple pose for the wedding photographs, which will appear in The Galactic Gazette this week.

The wedding is over. We toast the couple by saying the traditional message "May you find a blood worm in your glass.". Personally, I think 'Congratulations." would have been more in order!

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Five)

The crew is all assembled in the holodeck, which haa been programmed to represent a typical Klingon wedding location. Bev is sitting next to me, with a tissue to her eye.

"I love a good wedding, Jean-Luc." she tells me, "I had to get a new hat for this event."

Sitting next to me on the other side is Worf, who is looking anxiously around in his red wedding outfit, awaiting his bride to be, Jadzia Dax, and for the woman who will officiate the wedding, his former lover, Deanna Troi. I have been Worf's Tawi'Yan, which is a kind of Best Man.

A weird form of music, which I can only assume is a build-up to the main event. Bev tells me it is called Hill Of The Skull. A charming title!



Deanna enters in one of her most revealing outfits to officiate the ceremony. A rather cheeky way of telling Worf what he has given up by going with Jadzia. About as subtle as being hit with a lead brick.

"We are here to witness the betrothal of Jadzia Dax to Worf. May the bride step out, please?"

Jadzia comes out in her matching bridal outfit, and momentarily raises an eyebrow when she sees what Deanna is wearing.

Worf gives a smile when he sees the bride, and they both step up to where Deanna is standing.

I then stand up and present the two of them with bat'leths. Worf and Jadzia will now stage a mock battle before the ceremony. Perhaps all humans should do this to save from the battles they have later on in marriage?

They stand ready, and draw their bat'leths.

"There's a betting pool on the Enterprise that says I'm gonna beat you, Worf!" calls out Jadzia, as the two of them parry.

"Jadzia" Worf replies, "This is merely a friendly contest. It is traditional that the male wins, so that he can display his superiority as a warrior to those gathered here."

"The only problem there." Jadzia answers, "Is that I'm a warrior as well.May the best one win!"

The two combat intensely, both determined not to let their honour slip. After ten minutes, each are battlling intensely."

Deanna bravely steps in between them, hoping that one of the bat'leths doesn't chop her in two.

"Wo!!!!" she exclaims, "I think we'll call that part of the ceremony a draw. Let's move on."

"That's why we're well matched." Jadzia tells Worf, "We are both strong warriors."

Worf contemplates this.

"You are correct, Jadzia, "It is why I love you. Now let's continue with the ceremony and get married."

To be continued...

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Three)

All the men of the Senior Staff are now in the holodeck. It has been programmed to look like a cave. What will be taking place is the Kal'Hayah, which is a sort of pre-wedding Klingon event that all males have to do. It's a sort of last hour of freedom boozathon. As Worf is getting married to Jadzia Dax shortly, we are all here to take part. I'm hosting the event, as I'm Worf's Tawi'Yan, which kind of means Best Man.

------------

We are all sitting round a fire, the effects of the Klingon bloodwine are already getting to us,



"So, Worf." asks Geordi, "What do you think about Deanna having to conduct the ceremony because she is a previous girlfriend of yours? That's a real laugh."

"It is merely part of Klingon tradition, Commander." replies Worf stuffily, "I am honoured that the Counselor will be officiating the ceremony."

"I wonder what Jadzia think?" Riker comments, "I know both Deanna and Jadzia have had some catfights in the past."

"That is history." Worf tells us, "Although Jadzia and Deanna have had their disagreements, they have made up, and each have settled down."

"It'll open up a few old wounds." laughs Geordi, "I'll bet Deanna is laughing at the thought that she has to approve the marriage and then actually conduct it."



"The Counselor did seem in remarkably good humour before we came into the holodeck." Data tells us, "she was saying to herself "will I or won't I?" as I passed her."

Worf looks glum and takes a large swig of Klingon Bloodwine.

"Relax, Mr Worf" I say to him, "I believe Deanna was just teasing with you to make you seem a little nervous."

"I agree, Worf." Riker chips in, "She's just having a little fun at your expense, now what about the mock battle you and Jadzia will do with the bat'leths before the wedding?"



"I discussed this with her a short time ago." Worf says in an annoyed tone, "Jadzia tells me that she will go easy with me."

Everybody laughs.

"I told her that it will be ME that goes easy with her." Worf continues, "She then tells me that it looks like we've got a real competition going. This is nonsense. I cannot be defeated by my bride with a bat'leth!"

"Relax, Mr Worf." I tell him, "Enjoy your last few hours as a single Klingon."

We all drink lots more bloodwine until we eventually stagger out of the holodeck with massive hangovers....except Data, who has to prop us all up.

To be continued....

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part One)

I'm in my ready room, relaxing with a drink of Earl Grey, and reading The Klingon Wedding Guide, so that I can familiarise myself with the whole ceremony when Worf and Jadzia get married in a few days. Frankly, it all looks bewildering. I sometimes wish they had gone through with it at the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII, where we happened to be recently.

Listen to all this...

The Klingon wedding is a highly ritualized ceremony, resembling an opera. Klingon warriors beating their drums receive the couple as the Lady of the Great House of the groom recites the traditional story of the Klingon creation in which the Klingon male and female are created and join together and rise up against their gods. The groom's Tawi'Yan presents the couple with bat'leths as they do mock battle with each other in representation of the struggle of the male and female Klingon hearts against one another.


After the couple recites their vows, swearing to unite against all their opponents, the guests attack them with ceremonial weapons, the Ma'Stakas.


In preparation for the wedding the bride must be approved by the Mistress of the groom's house. The bride must display her ability to perform several traditional Klingon rituals. She also must recite the history of all the females of the house she is joining. The groom prepares with his closest male friends, including one designated as the Tawi'Yan, the Klingon equivalent of a best man. They go to a cave, or a simulation of a cave if necessary, for the physical and spiritual journey of Kal'Hyah.

Quite a lot there. It would seem a lot easier to have the minister singing Love Me Tender.

I hear a knock on the door.



"May I speak with you, Captain?" Worf asks.

"Of course." I reply, "What is it?

"I wonder if you would be my Tawi'Yan at my wedding?" he enquires.

"It would indeed be an honour." I answer, beaming, "I have read the nuances of the ceremony, and am familiar with what I will have to do."

"Then I have chosen well, Captain." Worf tells me, "My original Tawi'Yan had fallen ill, and I needed a replacement in a hurry."

He walks out, leaving me somewhat deflated.

Nevertheless, I'll have to invite all of Worf's male friends to a  Kal'Hyah, which is the equivilant of a stag and bachelor party, held on the eve of the wedding.

 Even more awkward  is this line...In preparation for the wedding the bride must be approved by the Mistress of the groom's house. The Mistress they are referring to, I have discovered, is a long-time partner of the groom, who is not married to him. That will have to be Deanna Troi, who was with Worf for some time before he started going with Jadzia. There was a lot of fighting between the two women before they made peace.

Deanna will hit the roof!

---------

I call her in, and tell her everything that will happen. I then get to her role as The Mistress.



"I'm no mistress!" she shouts, "You can fotget about that.

"But Deanna." I plead, ""You are the only other woman that Worf has had. He needs you to fill the role."

I tell her that as The Mistress, she will have to give Jadzia her approval. This makes Deanna smile.

"Not only that." I tell her, "According to Klingon Wedding Lore, the Mistress will be the person who will perform the wedding ceremony."

Deanna is shocked, but laughs our loud.

To be continued....

The Stalker (Part Six)

Can you imagine this happening?

Here I am, on the planet Vegas VII in the Elvis Galactic Chapel, being forced to marry my deranged stalker Valerie. The minister is a lookalike Elvis, who has been told by Valerie to stop the singing at get on with with our marriage. I don't have any say in the matter, as my bride says she will disintegrate me with the hidden gun she is carrying in  her wedding bouquet.

-------------



"I'm already to share the rest of my life with you." Valerie says lovingly to me, "But one false move from you, and I'll disintegrate you. Carry on, Elvis."

"Uh-hum, ma'am." Elvis answers, "Yeah, we are gathered here to witness.."

"You said that bit!" Valerie reminds him, "I can't wait to get married. Jean-Luc, our wedding night will be so magical...two people so in love..."

I roll my eyes.

"Valerie." asks Elvis, "Do you take Jean-Luc to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"Absolutely, and without hesitation!" exclaims Valerie.

"Do you, Jean-Luc-Picard?" asks Elvis, "Take Valerie to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"Of course he does!" snaps Valerie.

"The groom has to answer." Elvis reminds her.

I feel the disintegrator prodding in my ribs. "Errr....yes." I hesitantly answer.

"Then if there are no objections." Elvis continues, "By the laws vested in mt by the Elvis Galactic Chapel,  I pronounce..."

"You bet there are some objections!" says a familiar voice behind me.



Bev comes in  with a mass of weapons, looking like she means business. Behind her are a group of secutity staff, plus Ensign Britney, who is gripping her umbrella very tightly, as if ready to use it."

"Sorry to interrupt, minister." says Bev, "But that redhead is not the one meant for Jean-Luc."

With that, she shoots an energy beam, which blasts Valerie across the room. Britney rushes over and whacks Valerie with her umbrella.



"This brolly is just itching to be used!" she says sadistically as a rain of thumps land on Valerie. This stops when Bev tells her to stop. The doctor then picks Valerie up and belts her with her fist.

"It seems that we were not required." Worf comments drily, although he gestures to his team to pick up the battered Valerie and escort her out.

"Thank you, Britney"  Bev says, and as we all leave, she looks to me and comments, "No one comes between me and my man."

I kiss Bev and tell her, "For Valerie, it's definately Heartbreak Hotel."

The Stalker (Part Four)

Editor's Note:

Captain Picard has been abducted by Valerie, a stalker who is obsessed with him, and is determined to marry Picard at the Elvis Galactic Chapel. Valerie managed to elude the securtity forces when Picard went to reason with her, but she beamed off with him instead.




Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

"Where did the Captain go, Worf?" I find myself angrily saying to our Chief of Security, "You let him get beamed off to who-knows-where with that awful woman."

"I don't think he is in any danger, Doctor." Worf quietly tells me, "As she is obsessed by him, and thinks she is in love with the Captain, he will not be harmed."

"And THAT'S supposed to make me feel better?" I say sarcastically.

Deanna and Will come in to calm me down.



"Take a sedative, Beverly." urges Deanna, "The Enterprise crew are doing everything they can to locate the matterstream that might have been used to take Valerie and the Captain. Just relax for now."

"Would you be saying that if a red-haired woman who was mad and looked like Aphrodite had kidnapped your Will Riker?" I ask.

Deanna pauses, and for once, can't think of an answer.

Britney comes in, along with T'Pol.



"I was so near." Britney growls, as she carres he umbrella in with her. T'Pol is comforting her.

"I swung my umbrella right at that woman." Britney continues, "As it was about to make contact, she beamed away with the Captain. Wait until I see her again. My umbrella is itching to whack that Valerie."

"So am I." I say to myself, "When I do, there will one less redhead in the universe."

Data comes in.

"I may have found something." he says, "The galactic news sensors have picked up an interesting article."

We all go to see it printed on the screen, under WEDDING BANNS.

'The wedding of Valerie to Captain Jean-Luc Picard is due to take place at the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII. Please note the ceremony is closed to guests.'

"I can't believe it."

"He's been forced into it." Deanna assures me.



"Warp Nine to Vegas VII" Will says quickly, "This wedding is going to get some unexpected guests!"

To be continued after the TWQ....

The Stalker (Part Two)

I'm being stalked.

Firstly I had an innocent-looking message on the computer from a striking-looking  young woman named Valerie, saying she wanted to meet me for company. I let her down gently, saying that I was with Bev. This produced a furious reaction from her, saying she demanded to meet me at the Cafe Del Quatro on  Hacylon VI or there would be trouble.

I have decided to go down.

------------



"I would advise against this, Captain." Worf advises me, "There is no telling what this young woman may be capable of."

"I agree, Mr Worf." I reply, "It is essential that we meet her and stop her in case she fastens on to another target in the future. You will have your entire security force there. Ensign Jennifer Baxter will have her multiphase distorter with her, and Ensign Britney will have her unbrella."

"Very well." the Enterprise Security Officer concedes, "We shall all be watching the Cafe closely."

-----------------



A few hours later, I am sitting outside the Cafe Del Quatro enjoying the sun. Many of the passers-by are Enterprise crew who are there to make sure everything goes well. I am about to arder another Tyrolean brandy, when I hear a voice behind me.



"Hello darling." Valerie says softly, "I'm so glad you came.As soon as I saw you were coming, I switched off the missile aimed at this planet."

I go pale at this, as if I have been invited to a Conference to speak at Starfleet Headquarters. Valerie leans over and kisses my cheek.

The security forces move forward, but I use my hand to gesture them away. I want to find more about Valerie.

"Now...errr...Valerie." I start, "You can't go around blowing up planets. Why do you want to meet me?"

"Because I've always loved you, Jean-Luc!" Valerie replies angrily, "Don't you love me? I know you like redheads. Look at my body..."

I admit to myself that she is gorgeous, and beautiful...but I'm in love with Bev, and Valerie's elevator doesn't go to the top floor, is not playing with a full deck,  six bricks short of a full load....

You get the idea...

Valerie holds my hand.

"Darling." she says to me lovingly, "It's time for us to leave, come on."

"Valerie." I answer quickly, "I'm sorry, but..."

As she holds my arms firmly, I see that her wrist has a band round it. Valie flips it open and dials a sequence of numbers. This spells trouble, and I look desperately towards nearby security staff, who are rushing to me.

Too late, as I feel both Valerie and I dematerialise and reappear elsewhere.

To be continued after TWQ..... 

Worf's Proposal (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

Worf has decided that he wants to marry Jadzia. After getting advice from Will Riker, he is about to pop the question.



Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

Worfie has been acting very furtive in the last couple of days.

All of a sudden he decides that the two of us will have dinner in our quarters tonight, and asks me to dress up formally.

He's also asked Alexander to go and see the film Robin Hod, a film about a bricklayer who steals bricks from the rich and hives to the poor twice over.



"What's going on, Worfie?" I ask, "I can always tell when you're up to something, as you usually say something like 'I'll tell you later'".

"I'll tell you later." he quickly replies, "Just be ready at 20:00 in a beautiful dress."

He vanishes out, and I go to look in my dress cupboard.

--------------

A few hours later, I return to my quarters. Soft music is playing in the background. Well, sort of soft. It happens to be Klingon festive music that is usually played at celrbratory times. In the background, warriors occasionally cheer.

Worf enters, carrying a huge bunch of flowers. Now Worfie and flowers are not two things I thought I'd ever say in the same sentence.

We sit and eat quietly. Worfie looks at me carefully, then stands up suddenly just as I'm having my bowl of gagh, which are live Klingon serpent worms. The shock of his movement nearly makes me choke on a serpent.

"This cannot go on any longer!" he exclaims, "I must say what I have to say."

"What is it, Worfie?" I say, although I have an inkling of what is going on.

"Jadzia Dax." he tells me, holding a box, opening it and showing a beautiful ring, "I wish you to become my official mate....I mean bride. Will you do me the honour?

I get up, smile, and kiss him.



"I thought you'd never ask, Worfie." I tell him, "I'm looking forward to the wedding."

Worf's Proposal (Part One)

Guest Poster: Worf

As Jadzia, and my son Alexander have lived together in my quarters for quite a while now, something has occured to me that I need to do.

I should ask, and want to ask Jadzia to marry me.

This is extremely worrying. It's so easy in the Klingon Empire. A warrior goes up to his chosen woman and says "You will be my bride.", drags her away and that's the end of the matter. So easy and romantic.

However, Jadzia is a Trill, and I know would expect more than that, and might actually turn me down. The fact that she has been a symbiont in a male Trill body is a little bewildering, but as I am convinced that Jadzia is all woman, I have chosen her.

I have considered asking the advice of others. Normally, I member would go to see the Counselor Deanna Troi about such a matter, but it could be rather delicate, as Deanna and I were lovers before I met Jadzia. There were a few ugly fights between the women before the matter was resolved. I would hate that to start up again.

Commander Riker walks down the corridor.



"Commander." I say, "There is a delicate matter with which I want to discuss with you."

Riker looks alarmed.

"Perhaps you ought to see Deanna." he answers, "Or if it's a medical matter, Doctor Crusher."

"It's not like that." I tell him irritatingly, "The fact is I have decided to ask Jadzia to marry me, and I wish to know the best way of going about it."

Riker smiles mischievously.

"You sly devil, Worf!" he replies with a laugh, "Well I can tell you this, all women love romance, so give Jadzia an extra helping of it. Flowers, romantic dinner, soft music, down on the knee, show the ring and proposal."

"But I am a Klingon warrior!" I protest.

"Well if you want Jadzia." Riker answers, "You'll have to do it."

"Very well." I say, "Thank you for your advice, Commander."

I walk away thinking. First stop, the Enterprise Florist, then to choose the soft music...

To be continued...

The Trouble With Donatra (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

This was due to go out on Wednesday, but Blogger never put it out. My apologies.




Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

I'm livid!

Right now, I'm stomping through the corridors of the Enterprise after my encounter with Donatra, who just happened to be passing by. I gave her a right earful. It all started because my man Worf has being seeing too much of her while he educates her into Federation and Klingon life. Donatra is a Romulan who has defected to our side because there is a lot of Klingon blood in her ancestry and sees herself as more of that race than being a Romulan.

Call it jealousy if you like, but I'm keen to see it doesn't develop into anything else.

-----------

I arrive in the sanctuary of the Ten Forward bar, where Guinan is serving out drinks and giving advice at the same time. I think she is a better Counselor than Deanna Troi. All you get in her office is a glass of water.



"Hello Jadzia." Guinan says upon seeing me, "You look decidedly worse for wear. Has something being bothering you? Is it Donatra?"

 "How did you know?" I ask.

"You don't get to be barmaid on the Enterprise without knowing the lives of those on board, and picking up a few choice remarks that some say." Guinan answers with a slight smile.



"So what did Donatra say?" I ask, while downing my fourth drink in two minutes.

"She was with her circle of friends, Jadzia." Guinan mentioned, "I didn't hear much, as Captain Picard and Beverly were drinking together at the same time. However, I did hear Donatra mention "She's only a Trill." and also "Worf and I are much more suited together." and things like that."

"Oh really?" my Trill blood getting hotter.

"Jadzia." Guinan advises, "Don't do anything Worf won't like. That may well be just what Donatra wants."

I consider this carefully, and thank Guinan for her useful tip.

As I head back to the quarters Worf and I share, Donatra appears again.



Donatra is about to speak, but I interrupt her.

"Don't bother calling Worf again." I say decisively, "You won't be so important soon."

I stride off into the living quarters where Worf and Alexander are talking.

"Here's a Credit, Alexander." I say, handing it to him, "Go see Alien V Predator XXXIII at the Enterprise Cinema. Your father and I have got something to discuss."

Alexander eagerly leaves, and Worf asks what is it we need to talk about.

"It's not so muich talk, Worfie." I say with a smile, as I unzip my dress, "I just need to remind you why Donatra is not that important, and can get by with learning on her own..."

-------------

A few hours later, Worf is talking to Donatra on his COM.

"No, Donatra." he says, "I can't come and help you with your indoctrination. I think you have learnt enough to do it by yourself from now on. Good luck."

He puts the phone down and resumes kissing me.

Ah, sometimes a woman's persuasiveness can be very powerful!