How to address the clergy

If you are reading this blog, you probably encounter clergy on a regular basis - whether Catholic, Anglican, Orthodox, or something else - and indeed you may even be a person of the cloth. However, you may not be precisely sure how to address them, and how to treat them.

A deacon or "Reverend Mister". Often he has a second job, e.g., burglar.

Deacons are customarily accorded the "Reverend" title, which means that they should be revered, or held in reverence. When two deacons meet, they say things like "Oh how I revere you!" or "No, I revere you more than you revere me!" Of course being a deacon doesn't make you immune to hypocrisy (you have to be a bishop to achieve that level of purity): I once knew one who had enough planks in his eyes to make an entire shed.

Murder at the vicarage! All in a day's work for a priest!

So we come onto the priesthood, where again "reverence" is the appropriate reaction. Priests come across many sins in their daily round, of which murder is perhaps the most common. The priest above was an Anglican, but the same applies to Catholic priests, of course. Some (particularly the Catholic priests) are addressed as "Father". Not "Dad", not "Pop", just "Father".

Fr Brown. (The raised umbrella on a dry day is a liturgical error.)

After that it gets complicated. There are lots of clergy with titles such as Canon Street, Metropolitan Line, Marble Archdeacon, etc. but I think we'll move straight on to Monsignor.

Mgr Ronald Knox. What is it about the clergy and crime?

These chaps used to be regarded as Very Reverend, or in some circumstances Right Reverend, but have now been downgraded to "Reverend". Since future Monsignors will have to be at least 105 years of age, it won't matter how you address them as they won't be able to hear you anyway.

Bishops, then...

You address a bishop as "My Lord", although they are also "Right Reverend". This shows that they are the bosses, are always right, and should obeyed under all circumstances. In return for your squirming in their presence, they undertake always to be loyal to the Pope, the Queen, the Magnificent Archdruid of the Luminous Feet, or whatever the big cheese in their church is called.

Four young members of the dissident group ACTA, turned away by a faithful bishop.

Archbishops are a bit more senior. I was told "Say 'Your Grace', Eccles, when you meet Archbishop Nichols," but the poor man looked disconcerted when I began "For what we are about to receive..." So this one is a mystery to me.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor ("His Eminence").

Cardinals are "His Eminence" or "Your Eminence". This is a bit of a come-down, really, as being "eminent" is less impressive than being "reverend", surely. It's not much better than just being a celebrity, like Eminem. Still, these are the princes of the Church, so should be regarded as eminent in the same way, as, say, Prince Harry.

A Pope, with birds of pray.

Popes are very busy men, asked to give many off-the-cuff newspaper interviews in addition to their ecclesiastical responsibilities. If you meet a pope - perhaps performing papal duties at your local bird sanctuary - call him "Your Holiness". This is to emphasise that he's not merely eminent, like a cardinal, but is in many ways a saved person. If he then says "Bless you!" it would be discourteous to point out that you didn't sneeze.

Do we need Dwight Longenecker?

Until now I have kept quiet about the controversial priest Dwight Longenecker. However, yesterday I viewed one of his blog posts, in which he attacks the saintly prophet Michael Voris.

A rare photo of Michael Voris, sans wig.

It isn't necessarily a bad thing to criticise Catholic laymen who make videos. But there are serious problems with the way Longenecker has made his criticism. First of all, what status does he have as a Catholic watchblog? Attacking Michael Voris - a person whose influence in the Catholic Church is less only than that of the Pope, Father Z, Eccles and Damian Thompson - is not something to be undertaken by anyone under the rank of Cardinal.

Second, some people may misinterpret Father L's attack as motivated by envy. Longenecker is a hard-working priest with a wife, four children, three goldfish and a pet rat called Mahony. In order to make ends meet he has to write books, give lectures, and stand at traffic lights offering to wash people's car windscreens. Also, his name is almost impossible to spell correctly.

Fr Dwight Longenecker.

Voris, on the other hand, is a Hollywood superstar, who earns slightly more than George Clooney and Tom Hanks put together.

Don't get me wrong, here. There is a certain class of people (often called "priests"), who feel that they are somehow qualified to speak to the rest of us about good and evil, even to hear confessions and give absolution. Go into any church on a Sunday and you may find one of these people, often talking for ten or fifteen minutes without any interruptions or opportunities for questions. As a liberal Catholic I am shocked that such people should exist!

A priest.

Anyway, forgive me if my words seem harsh. I have endeavoured to remove the speck from my own eye before taking the planks out of everyone else's. Or whatever the saying is.

Millions demonstrate against Giles Fraser

View from Eiffel's Tour de France of the Non à Gilles demo.

On Sunday a massive demonstration was held in Paris against the French government's proposal to recognise people such as Giles Fraser, Le curé comique, as real priests. The organizers estimated the attendance at over a million, the police said 800,000, and the government 100,000; the BBC reported that there were only about a dozen people taking part, preferring to concentrate on the Amamus Gilem Fraserum demonstration in Rome, where four girls took off their clothes in order to show to the Pope their well-developed arguments for supporting the wacky Englishman.

Two onion-sellers discussing Giles Fraser.

Said a typical French demonstrator, Armand Legue, "In France we have a tradition of Laïcité. The state is purely secular, and the priests are religious. We cannot accept a situation in which people whose actions are based on secular values are allowed to operate as priests."

Supporters of Giles Fraser have offered to take him into care.

Back in Britain, over 1000 Catholic bishops and priests have written a letter to the Daily Telegraph complaining of the Government's plans to redefine priesthood. "We don't think the definition of a 'priest' of the established church should be extended to include the likes of Giles Fraser," they explained. "He spends his time calling harmless people 'bigots,' and accusing them of 'persecuting gays', simply because they preach the same concept of marriage as Christ Himself did." The Government, however, is apparently set on a policy of extending the priesthood to include deviant minorities such as Guardian columnists and Thought for the Day ranters.

Blandings Castle, with controversial Giles Fraser lookalike (L).

Curiously, the BBC itself has also been criticised this week, for broadcasting an adaptation of P.G. Wodehouse's Blandings Castle, in which one of the characters was clearly identifiable as a parody of Giles Fraser. Said a Fraser supporter, "Admittedly, she did little but grunt 'Oink, oink,' but the scene in which she relieved herself over a copy of the Guardian struck some of us as a little too close to home."

Highlihgts of Damain's blogg

For dem wot hasnt been readin Damain Thopmson's blogg recently, I has sellected some of de highlihgts, and put dem in a sensible order, wot Diqsus can't do. You can see dat we is survivin very well in de absence of de Cathlics.

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Damian Thompson

Was Opus Dei to blame?

I was in Australia last week, and came across the following news item. It's the only interesting thing I've seen recently with a religious theme, so I'm putting it on my blog in order to fill up space.

Delays to roadworks in Pottymouth

Essential road repairs in Pottymouth were delayed by two hours yesterday after a steam roller ran over a Roman Catholic priest, killing him instantly. Eye-witnesses said that the priest, who has not been named, jumped into the road to snatch a sweet golden-haired child out of the path of the steam roller, saving her life.

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 ^MickyDross
A priest killed by a steamroller. ROFL.

 ^markus_raver
I see that the priest was running to grab a child, Mucky. This is just the sort of suspicious conduct that we expect from Catholic priests. On my uncle Richard Dawkins's site dawkins.ego.trip.com we have been discussing whether it should be made illegal for Catholic priests to walk down the street without wearing handcuffs. The consensus is that all priests should be hanged anyway, so handcuffs probably aren't necessary. As a scientist, I think that's fair, don't you, Mucky?

 ^wendyhouse
Surveys have shown that men are 10% more likely to be run over by a steamroller than women. This is yet another argument in favour of the immediate ordination of women as bishops. When it the Catholic church going to advance into the 1960s and create a Mome rather than a Pope?

 ^sanityclause
What's the use of my struggling through blizzards to the only Internet café within 1000 feet of the summit of Mount Everest, if Benedict Carter isn't here for me to be rude to? If he turns up with his gang of acolytes, tell him to go and
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 ^{deborahcomplains}
I see that Peter Mullen is still alive, even though he has passed the Biblical limit of three score and ten years. Doesn't this man have the decency to realise that the Anglican church has no place for people like him? Why doesn't he throw himself under a steam roller?

 ^stcuttley
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but we are having great trouble with my lovely daughter, who wants to go on a singing trip to the South Pole. The school has asked me for an indemnity of £10,000 in case her singing drives any penguins to drown themselves. Do you think I should pay it? P.S. Sorry to read about the priest being squashed.

 ^Holpemboob
A priest squashed by a steam-roller? Is there supposed to be a problem with that?

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Woeful, isn't it, the way that fanatical Catholics insist on interfering with a child's right to sit in front of a steam-roller. It's typical of the disgraceful conduct we've come to expect from the clique of traddy Catholics and their sockpuppets.

My uncle, Black Jack of Pottymouth, used to drive a steam-roller through the streets when I was a litte girl, and he would never have dreamt of stopping for any children or priests in his path.

Such is life, eh.

 ^Eccles
This comment is awaiting moderation

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Eccles,

I do not read your blog. It contains nothing but lies about stbosco, and me, and our families. I counted 109 insulting and defamatory statements in your postings last month. What's more, I am not your great-aunt, I am not pining for the love of Cardinal Pell, and I do not have a problem with gin. So there's no point saying all these things in your blog, as I won't read them. Why doesn't the Telegraph do something about your comments?

I am always in bed by 8 p.m. GMT, so stop pretending that I stay up all night.

Moly (yes, I was formerly Judy8, but I was never banned, after that I was AlfredHaddock, but I don't use sockpuppets).

 ^Eccles
Dem's creul words, Anti Moly
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 ^MickyDross
Moly, you know that Damian doesn't try to enforce the Telegraph Terms and Conditions. He lets Catholics insult everyone without doing anything to stop it. But when I try to post pictures of rotting carcasses or to make fun of young girls, my posts get reported by the Catholics and promptly deleted. It's so dreadfully unfair.

 ^Daz
As a 'whimsical' old man who likes 'apostrophes' I was 'wondering' whether the 'priest' who met such a sad 'end' was held in high 'e-steam' by his colleagues, and was simply looking for a new 'role'. After his 'experiences' he was obviously feeling a bit 'crushed' and must have felt that 'life' was leaving him a little 'flat'. My best regards to you, Daz.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Daz,

When I was a member of the Pottymouth Festival Choir, they said I was the flattest singer they had. Woeful, isn't it?

 ^drivelbrown
Now that the rabit and his Iberian stable of sockpuppets have gone away (it is obvious that Benedict Carter, Tro, Hamish Redux, Golden Chersonnese, Damon, Annie, Jadis, Puddleglum, Johnhenry, Fizzypilgrim and Terry Tubby are all expatriates living in the Iberian peninsula, probably all in the same house), we may hope that the Catholic church will move quickly to a modern pro-abortion policy, and replace all its altars by snooker tables.

 ^GayCat
Did I ever mention that I am gay and my boyfriend is a Catholic archbishop? I know you all wanted to hear this.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
GayCat,

Don't trust archbishops, I could tell you a thing or two about my experiences with Cardinal
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De escapped loony

Well, we ain't had much luck selling Bosco's suol so far. We got some professionnal auctoineers to value it, but dey said dat it was so dirty and corrupt dat noboddy wuold want it. So we is keepin it on de market in case a surprise bidder turns up wot aint too fussy.

Bosco has been honoured by de Calumny Chappel for his stirling evangellical work, dey is gonna put his imagge on de wall, to go wiv de cement doves.

Some poeple say dat dis is a gravven image, but it's OK provided you doesnt kiss it, and dere aint much chance of dat. It sure is a good likeness of my handdsome bruvver Bosco.

---

De uvver news of my bruvver is dat we is gonna have a Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play, which is somefink to do with Chritsmas. Bosco has got de starrin roll as de back end of Mary's donkkey, becuase of his luvvly blogg. My bruvver wanted to play de part of Mary, as he finks dat she is a very improtant pusson, so he went along to de audditoins, but didnt get de job.

Bosco offerred to put on a blue dress, but dey said a man wiv a clown face wasnt gonna look much like Mary, whereas he alreddy looked like de back end of a donkkey.

Anti Moly feels very left out. Even dough she aint relligiuos she does take a grate interrest in dese matters, and allways wants to stick her ore in. Howevver, de Gopsell of Luke dont mentoin an old lady wot kept cryin out "Woefull," "Sockpoppet," and "Wheres de gin?" so we is a bit stuck. Bosco said we cuold write in a part for Haddach, de comic Anti of Mary, to get a few laughs, since we in de Calumny Chappel adds bits to de Bibble and deletes bits when we feels like it. But Pastor Al Shehperd refused to allow it.

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An odd fing wot happened todday was dat I got a phone call from de local Loony Bin sayin "We has lost a loony, has you seen im? He gotta dellusion dat he is a preist, and calls himself Farver Arfur. Or sometimes he finks he is Napolleon."

Well we knows a Farver Arfur, but he claims to be a real preist. He showed me a badge dat he was givven by de Pop, who kissed him on de cheeks and said he was a good and fateful savant (it seems dat Farver Arfur repplied "I wish I cuold say de same abuot you, but you is a traddy Pop and orta be ashammed of yousself for writin all dem horrid fings in Lattin"). Dat surely proves dat Arfur is a real preist.

"I is also a grate freind of my Bishopp," explaned Farver Arfur, "cos I keeps phonin him up and tellin him dat he has offended against de Catacoms of de Churhc, specificaly Articles 2477, 3142, 6666, 2718281828, and 1111122222 to 1111177777 inclussive."
"Does you see him in de Cathedrall?" asked Bosco. "I spose he's got a Babble-onion fish hat, cos he aint saved like me."
"Yup, and he has got a specail place for me, dat I sits on when I goes to the Cathedrall."
"Gosh, you has got your own throan, den?"
"Nope, de Bishopp calls it de nuaghty step, and he says I gotta sit dere until I learns to behhave in a more Chritsian fashoin. Dat's a wicked act on his part, we experts calls it de sin of Diffraction."

So it is definittely a mysterry whevver Farver Arfur and de escapped loony is one and de same. Here is a recent pitcher of our freind rellaxin in his spare set of clothes dat he wears when he aint bein a cosstume hollyman.

He is plannin to go to Moscow some time, I fink. It aint bad except in de winter.