The dark side of Catholic Voices

What is this sinister organization known only as Catholic Voices - is it linked to the Freemasons, Opus Dei, Mafia or the North Korean government? In a special guest post, Damian Thompson expresses his concerns.

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The Faceless Kathleen Griffin (official CV portrait).

Whenever the media wish to hear the views of a Catholic on one of the major religious issues of our day - for example, the election of Pope Francis, the government's attempts to redefine marriage, or whether coleslaw is so called because it resembles the inane witterings of the Rev. Richard Coles - you can be sure that Catholic Voices will worm its way onto the airwaves.

A sinister albino monk - is he the power behind Catholic Voices?

Oh, they wouldn't let me join, would they? They said I had a squeaky voice and couldn't be relied on not to storm out of the studio if challenged by Peter Hitchens. Wasn't it simply that they were scared that, if they taught me the funny handshake and the secret passwords, I could expose them to the world?

Austen "Ronnie Corbett" Ivereigh - told me to grow up.

Look at the people involved: Jack Valero (Opus Dei), Caroline Farrow (mother of 12, and bullying commentator on my blog), Peter Williams (Right to Life), ... well, the list speaks for itself. Then look at how they are funded - by donations from individuals and organizations. That's very mysterious, don't you think?

Robert Mugabe - a prominent Catholic. Does he donate to CV?

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Paul Priest, Archbishop of Corby, adds his own concerns.

Brilliant article, Damian! Have you noticed that many of the Catholic Voices people are converts? This means that, say ten years ago, they may have been atheists, Muslims, Satanic fire-worshippers... who knows what? Do we really want Satanic fire-worshippers speaking out for the Catholic church?

On the side of the angels...

What's more they promote the time-bomb of Vatican II-type liturgical/doctrinal/moral Vichyist revisionism. Trust me, I know an ontological paradigm shift when I see it - we were warned about them in the encyclicals of Pope Benedict XVI, which I've read from cover to cover, not to mention the complete works of Dan Brown.

Piero Marini presents Pope Benedict XVI with a liturgical/doctrinal/moral time-bomb.

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So there we have it. Be afraid... be very afraid. These faceless anonymous secretive people, who are never off your television screens, are clearly hiding something very sinister.

Do-it-yourself Thompson blog

Instructions: pick one item from each section, and combine them. Then Voilà! you have your Saturday column. Never mind if it doesn't make sense - it isn't supposed to!

The Mormons are addicted to cupcakes, which is why Archbishop Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool.

The Scientologists
The Mormons
The chattering classes
The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout
Societies that believe in Hell
Left-wing, T-shirt-wearing nuns
Countless millions of computer addicts
American schoolchildren
The middle classes in Hyderabad
The overeducated American elite
Teenagers at a school in Xiaogong, central China
Several gay Hollywood stars
Members of Alcoholics Anonymous
Orange-skinned celebrities
Opus Dei

wield immense influence in Hollywood,
are extremely interested in money,
could never be part of the Church of England,
are keen on assisted suicide,
value their subsidised office spaces in east London,
would never be invited on Thought for the Day,
could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest,
self-medicate with sugary snacks,
are following the IV Drip Diet,
are snorting their ADHD medication,
have discovered party drugs,
are taken out of the local gene pool,
are anxious to join the Ordinariate,
would never visit old people in care homes,
might consider submitting to Pope Michael of Delia, Kansas,
are addicted to cupcakes,

Opus Dei could could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest, although Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers at my health club.

although
but
which is why
and

Polly Toynbee
Tom Cruise
Eric Sykes
L. Ron Hubbard
Mitt Romney
Umair Haque
Dr Rowan Williams
Jeremy Paxman
Mark Easton
Edward Elgar
Archbishop Mennini
Lord Foulkes
Sir Paul McCartney
Beethoven
Richard Chartres
Mrs Gladys Mills
The Prince of Wales
Noele Gordon
Canon Brian Brindley
Edward Heath
Queen Victoria
Johann Hari
Jenny Jones
George Clooney

was known for being seriously overweight.
dabbled in the occult.
comes across as a ranting lefty.
acquired a reputation as a self-regarding young windbag.
secretly supported gay marriage.
wandered naked into the showers at my health club.
is the sort of person who would say "an hotel."
should not work for the BBC.
captures the English spirit with unmatched subtlety.
could promote clever, holy traditionalists.
drank too much whisky and attempted to dance with a 70-year-old lady.
bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.
wrote a set of piano variations on God Save the King.
never obtained a doctorate from the LSE.
should never be introduced as "Your highness."
had an indestructible perm.
required a specially reinforced piano stool.
took claret fortified with Scotch whisky.
wrote a Te Deum to celebrate Louis XIV’s victory against the English and Dutch.
supported the vandalism of GM crops.
poured Bird's Custard over a plateful of chips.

The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout are snorting their ADHD medication, but Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.

Highlihgts of Damain's blogg

For dem wot hasnt been readin Damain Thopmson's blogg recently, I has sellected some of de highlihgts, and put dem in a sensible order, wot Diqsus can't do. You can see dat we is survivin very well in de absence of de Cathlics.

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Damian Thompson

Was Opus Dei to blame?

I was in Australia last week, and came across the following news item. It's the only interesting thing I've seen recently with a religious theme, so I'm putting it on my blog in order to fill up space.

Delays to roadworks in Pottymouth

Essential road repairs in Pottymouth were delayed by two hours yesterday after a steam roller ran over a Roman Catholic priest, killing him instantly. Eye-witnesses said that the priest, who has not been named, jumped into the road to snatch a sweet golden-haired child out of the path of the steam roller, saving her life.

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 ^MickyDross
A priest killed by a steamroller. ROFL.

 ^markus_raver
I see that the priest was running to grab a child, Mucky. This is just the sort of suspicious conduct that we expect from Catholic priests. On my uncle Richard Dawkins's site dawkins.ego.trip.com we have been discussing whether it should be made illegal for Catholic priests to walk down the street without wearing handcuffs. The consensus is that all priests should be hanged anyway, so handcuffs probably aren't necessary. As a scientist, I think that's fair, don't you, Mucky?

 ^wendyhouse
Surveys have shown that men are 10% more likely to be run over by a steamroller than women. This is yet another argument in favour of the immediate ordination of women as bishops. When it the Catholic church going to advance into the 1960s and create a Mome rather than a Pope?

 ^sanityclause
What's the use of my struggling through blizzards to the only Internet café within 1000 feet of the summit of Mount Everest, if Benedict Carter isn't here for me to be rude to? If he turns up with his gang of acolytes, tell him to go and
(Edited by a moderator)

 ^{deborahcomplains}
I see that Peter Mullen is still alive, even though he has passed the Biblical limit of three score and ten years. Doesn't this man have the decency to realise that the Anglican church has no place for people like him? Why doesn't he throw himself under a steam roller?

 ^stcuttley
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but we are having great trouble with my lovely daughter, who wants to go on a singing trip to the South Pole. The school has asked me for an indemnity of £10,000 in case her singing drives any penguins to drown themselves. Do you think I should pay it? P.S. Sorry to read about the priest being squashed.

 ^Holpemboob
A priest squashed by a steam-roller? Is there supposed to be a problem with that?

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Woeful, isn't it, the way that fanatical Catholics insist on interfering with a child's right to sit in front of a steam-roller. It's typical of the disgraceful conduct we've come to expect from the clique of traddy Catholics and their sockpuppets.

My uncle, Black Jack of Pottymouth, used to drive a steam-roller through the streets when I was a litte girl, and he would never have dreamt of stopping for any children or priests in his path.

Such is life, eh.

 ^Eccles
This comment is awaiting moderation

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Eccles,

I do not read your blog. It contains nothing but lies about stbosco, and me, and our families. I counted 109 insulting and defamatory statements in your postings last month. What's more, I am not your great-aunt, I am not pining for the love of Cardinal Pell, and I do not have a problem with gin. So there's no point saying all these things in your blog, as I won't read them. Why doesn't the Telegraph do something about your comments?

I am always in bed by 8 p.m. GMT, so stop pretending that I stay up all night.

Moly (yes, I was formerly Judy8, but I was never banned, after that I was AlfredHaddock, but I don't use sockpuppets).

 ^Eccles
Dem's creul words, Anti Moly
(Edited by a moderator)

 ^MickyDross
Moly, you know that Damian doesn't try to enforce the Telegraph Terms and Conditions. He lets Catholics insult everyone without doing anything to stop it. But when I try to post pictures of rotting carcasses or to make fun of young girls, my posts get reported by the Catholics and promptly deleted. It's so dreadfully unfair.

 ^Daz
As a 'whimsical' old man who likes 'apostrophes' I was 'wondering' whether the 'priest' who met such a sad 'end' was held in high 'e-steam' by his colleagues, and was simply looking for a new 'role'. After his 'experiences' he was obviously feeling a bit 'crushed' and must have felt that 'life' was leaving him a little 'flat'. My best regards to you, Daz.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Daz,

When I was a member of the Pottymouth Festival Choir, they said I was the flattest singer they had. Woeful, isn't it?

 ^drivelbrown
Now that the rabit and his Iberian stable of sockpuppets have gone away (it is obvious that Benedict Carter, Tro, Hamish Redux, Golden Chersonnese, Damon, Annie, Jadis, Puddleglum, Johnhenry, Fizzypilgrim and Terry Tubby are all expatriates living in the Iberian peninsula, probably all in the same house), we may hope that the Catholic church will move quickly to a modern pro-abortion policy, and replace all its altars by snooker tables.

 ^GayCat
Did I ever mention that I am gay and my boyfriend is a Catholic archbishop? I know you all wanted to hear this.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
GayCat,

Don't trust archbishops, I could tell you a thing or two about my experiences with Cardinal
(Edited by a moderator)

Opeless Dei

We has had a lotta trubble from Farver Arfur lately, cos de Pop have turned down his applicatoin to run a private branch of de Inquisitoin. Arfur wanted to move away from traddy ideas about forgivvin sinners, and settle down to a bit of torcherin instead. So he is furrious dat de Pop is talkin about luvvin your nieghbor, a traddy practise wot was outlawed by Vattican II (I fink dat's de name of de Pop wot did it).

Dis week Farver Arfur was givven de job of hearin a little girl's confessoin. "Mom said I was very nuaghty and stayed in bed cuddlin my teddy bear," said dis Sattanic kiddie. Farver Arfur was very angry. "You is an evil sinner wot is surely gonna go to Hell for dat," he told de little girl, "so I is confiscatin your teddy bear and burnin it."

Three cheers for Farver Arfur, he is sure is good at condenming iddles.

As a result of dis firm stand on mortal sins, Damain Thopmson telephonned Arfur to say dat he shuold join Opeless Dei. Dis aint to be confussed wiv Opuss Dei, wot is de one wiv de albinno monks in De Vinchi Cod. Nor is it rellated to Opus Sum, which is a club for poeple like my Anti Moly wot likes eating Austrialan marsuppials. Nope, Opeless Dei is a soceity for Cathlics wot is otherwise unemployyable. Dat's why Damain suggestted it as a way of keepin Farver Arfur off de streets.

Dat's Farver Arfur just after dey told him de news dat he was elligible to join Opeless Dei. He's been for a swim, dat's why he aint dressed as a cosstume holly man rihgt now.

We has found out dat Opeless Dei is very keen on flagulation, which means dat Arfur still gets to whip poeple if he finks dey has sinned against de Catacoms of de Churhc. Perhapps he have finally fuond his true vocatoin.

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My bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict) has decidded to go on a retreet, dat is why you aint heard anyfink from him lately. He went into de wilderness (Lost Angels) and he is now on top of a pole medditatin like St Simon Skylights.

So far he aint come up wiv any profound medditatoins, he just shouts "You aint saved like me, stupid" at de passers-by in de street. If he comes up wiv any more wise sayings, I will let you know.

Not to be outdone, Anti Moly started tellin me dat she used to be a pole dancer when she was young. I fink dis story needs to be told some uvver time.