Open Letter From My Inner Angel

Hi there Big Boy,

I know you have been well for a few days now. It is nice to see you able, again! I missed seeing that big smile on your face. I thought you have almost forgotten how to smile.

I would like to commend you for successfully getting 'parties' almost out of your vocabulary. You have also done a good job taking your alcohol into a minimal. I know it was somehow hard for you, having lived 'that life' for a while, but you surely did a good job. I know you can do it!

But I also noticed you're catching up on your ciggies again eh? I know you are able to breath easily the past 3 days, but does that give you the excuse to catch up for the few days you have decided to set aside your white-and-gold friend?

In any case, I trust your judgement. I know you know what you are doing. You are now a big man. A smart and intelligent Big Man at that.

I have seen you through time make both smart and prudent decisions, and at times, 'stupid'. I do not blame you. I know all those cannot be discounted. You have learned so much from the decisions you've made, and thats what made you the Man you are today.

For sure, you will still be faced with a myriad of choices in the future. Some would be easy and obvious, while others may seem very trivial. For all its worth, take those chances and don't be afraid.

The world is there for you for the taking!


Its just me,

Your Inner Angel

Resolution of a Habitual Smoker

So I wake up and extend my hand to the headboard to get that little white and gold packet, look for a light and walk to the bathroom. This is a typical morning.

I have been smoking since I was 19 years old. That's nine years now, and counting. On an average, I can smoke 5-6 sticks a day. No, make that 8-10. Lets do the math (365 days * 9 years* min5, max10 sticks). That's how much sticks I burned. Not to mention how much money it cost.

Much more when I am out and drinking. I tend to lose count.

No, I am not yet giving up my smoking. Stubborn as I may sound, but I wouldn't wanna take it out my system all at once. I am not (yet) a slave to nicotine, though. It just happen to be the easy yet conscious choice-- a habit more than an addiction. However, as much as my gold-and-white-adorned friends have supported me through the ages, the little blighters are starting to blight me in more ways than one.

Cough. Itchy throat. More cough. Hack. And some more cough. I am deciding to (temporarily) stop smoking (today) until I am better.

Smoking has become a habit that I feel would change my daily routine should I, like magic get these cigarette packet out of my sight as if they never existed. My morning routine will change. But I don't think I will die. I wouldn't want to exaggerate the (supposed) agony of going without lighting up a stick. I may get me a bit disoriented, but then again, I can go on my regular morning and the rest of the day with a trip to a smoking place not in my itinerary.

Again, its a habit more than an addiction.

So I may be called a 'habitual' rather than chronic or addicted smoker, which means that often when I smoke it’s based on a habitual action. I know many of you smokers and former smokers know what I’m talking about. The after dinner cigarette or out drinking with friends and the urge to have a cigarette with that glass of wine. The morning cigarette with that first cup of coffee. When I’m writing, I would smoke while thinking or pausing to take a break.

I am not trying to find justification in semantics, but might be worth the clarification.

Habit is synonymous with "inclination, tendency, routine", while Addiction brings up "fixation, chemical dependency, obsession"

Habit is merely any action brought about by frequently repeated actions, which at some point nearly becomes automatic, usually through conscious choice. On the other hand, Addiction is any action that has run away with itself and/or taken hostage (a body) with a diminishment of easy, conscious choice. The faculty of agency is consumed.

Its not just the Nicotine, nor the catchy media advertisements or the colorful package. Its not just the smoke, or the 'wanting' to belong (very teen, lol). Its more than just the flicking of the fingers as I smoke a stick, or the musky scent of cigarette smoke wafting into the air as I struggle to gather my thoughts in coherence. Its the whole 'smoking' experience that made it part of my habit.

I never have to deal with some internal dialogue of ambivalence, though, like "Boy, that would taste great. No, I shouldn't have it. I really want that. And I shouldn't do it." C'mon, cigarette is not life and death. I want to smoke, and I smoke guiltless. Smoking is not some sort of constant craving. Its just the thing I got accustomed to doing. and I can QUIT (bold, italics)if its deemed necessary.

I have given up some habits in the past, and I know I can (finally and completely) give up smoking, in time.