Relationship Status

I know C**** is a keeper. I feel it. And so I decided to get into a relationship with him. It has been more than two weeks now.

I have to admit though that I (still) don't love him. I'd be fooling myself if I say I already do. But just like any relationships I've been in to, LOVE was never a prerequisite. I always believed in building it, in nurturing it.

Though I know it would be very unfair to compare it to my last experience at relationships, I feel like this one's gonna build up slowly. I don't mean to spoil it, but I feel the thoughts at the back of my mind already are. Bummer. I can't help but compare my past relationships, how they started and things like that, especially with my last (then plays Adele's "Someone like You in the background).

Simply put, there weren't "fireworks" when it started.

Not that I am not sure with C****. In all fairness, I feel the sincerity, I feel the care. What I am not sure is myself, and my grand idea of what a partner and a relationship should be. Yes, I still have a "grand" idea of a partner and a relationship (plays Asher Book's "Someone to Watch Over Me")

Still, I wanna give it a shot.

Or maybe I should just stop over thinking it.

Who knows, maybe I become comfortable changing my Facebook relationship status to "in relationship with----" , soon.

The (Honorary) Third Wheel

I may not have a boyfriend nor a steady partner now, but I have found myself comfortable with singlehood, though I still go out on dates, more dates that is, lately. However, recently, I have found myself involved in some relationships that I feel like I should be declared an 'honorary' third-party. Thrice over. Maybe more. I really can’t even keep track any more.

I never really thought about it before. I mean, it was never an issue for me, until a recent conversation, ok, more like flirting/chasing game with someone, who is also 'coupled', that got me into thinking.

Don't expect this to be a defense of the mistress. I am not advocating it, just to be clear. I just happen to be in it, and simply want to share my stories and some thoughts.

My stories are not the typical 'other-man' or 'other-woman', or 'other-gay', if we must call them that. Unlike the usual scene wherein the "other-person" does not know the whole truth about their new 'friend', who has withheld the information that they are already hitched, which eventually caused the the attachment of stigma to the 'other person' as the 'home-wrecker', the 'bitch', or whatever you may call them, mine are all consentual.

This is not to say that this makes the act right. But I also maintain that the act isn't wrong, to begin with.

Here are my stories:

I met J. We dated. Then parted ways. I went back with my (then)BF, while I haven't heard from him. The next time we met, hes coupled, and is happy. I kept seeing J despite knowing that he is taken. He was also OK with that. I promised him and his BF though that I wont get in between their relationship. I promised not to cause their relationship any trouble, and I stand by that.

We see each other when we want to see each other, when it is convenient for us to go out for lunch, or dinner, or simply a stroll. We don't force it when we can't.

I'll admit, at times I wish I am his BF instead. But then again, I know he is happy with what he has now. I am happy that J is happy with his BF.

The same goes with G, my recent vacationship. We see each other when we can, when it is convenient. We try to enjoy what we have as much as we can.

The past 2 weeks, his BF came to visit him so we haven't gone out for a while now. Was I sad about that? Was I devastated that he is with someone instead of me? NO.

I knew that when I started the vacationship with G, we can only go as far. I knew where we stand, and I wouldn't wanna cross the line that I myself draw.

During the time that I haven't been seeing G, I chanced upon someone, A. We met online, and after couple of messages, we decided to go out for dinner.

I won't deny that A is attractive, and is easy to get along with. We went out for a few more dates.

But we were trapped in the same dilemma-- he is taken.

Its funny how he would make a joke out of our situation. He would tell me that he likes my hair, and that he likes my smile. He would ask me the things that I do and would eagerly share to me his passions for the same things. He would tell me he likes me, then in the end would say, that I am falling for him (where in fact we know that we both can't fall with each other)

I would tell the joke in return, that he has fallen in love with me. Then its always punctuated by a comfortable silence and a good laugh.

I still see A. We would go out and have time together when we can. I haven't met his BF yet, though I've already talked to him online. We are planning to set up a dinner together one of these days.

Finally, just a few days ago, I had a very interesting conversation (which led to flirting and some admissions) with someone. I've met him through a friend, a poz friend. We never saw each other after that initial meet up, and just started to be in touch online lately.

I would admit that he is an interesting guy and is very likable. He is smart and has the maturity that can follow my (wicked) sense of humour. I love talking to him, and I'd like to think he feels the same. But to take his words, he likes me and would take me "only is hes not attached".

He is very open though. He is very open to the possibilities that can come from what we have now, and I am somehow happy with that.

Yes, it may seem terribly easy to look at this from an outsider's perspective, and make some judgments from there. It is a big NO-NO! I even get that from close friends, and I don't blame them.

It is understandable. The 'other person' usually is portrayed as that which causes any of the couple to cheat, hence, destroy the 'relationship' in the end. And that is clearly, without any question unacceptable.

But this is not the love triangle portrayed in movies.

Although I acknowledge that there are men/women out there who prefer dating a committed man/woman to purposely cause troubles in the relationship, there are also some who just happen "to be in that situation", a situation where they try to build a relationship with someone, only with the antecendent 'that someone is committed'.

Just like any relationships, the essential is that someone wants to build a relationship from pure intentions, and whatever the antecedent may be, I think that alone is enough reason to give it a chance and spare it from the misconception that all affairs of this sort are the result of the deceit.

Afterall, ALL is fair in love.

Two Years Ago

Its exactly two years today when I met the man that forever changed my life, literally and figuratively. Yes, he WAS my boyfriend, and we went on for a year and a half. He was the man who I had the best and the worst of life.

I was living THE life. Young. Driven. Ambitious. I was an achiever.

Then came a sudden halt. I met him.I decided to settle down. Live a domestic life.

I was happy. We were happy.

I know for once, I LOVE!

I guess I was overwhelmed by Love. I let myself be consumed by love. I let my defenses down.

We've spent the days as real lovers in love. We went to places. We explore new things. We made love.

Fast forward. 11 months after, we both tested positive.

My heart was broken. I was living the life, and in love. Young. Driven. Ambitious. And I am positive.

I was devastated. I was in denial at first. I cannot be positive. I have always been tested, and always tested negative.

He, on the other had, has not been tested in three years. He knew he could be positive, but remained quiet.

I wanted to blame him. But I wouldn't blame anybody for the choices I make. I chose to love.

Now, two years since I met him, and a little more than a year being positive, I am a new man.

Not so Young. At times Indifferent. Distraught.

But despite all that, I LOVED!

Two years ago, I met a guy. He gave me the best the worst.

I am forever thankful.

Wrong(?) Yet Feels So Right

Ever had a feeling that things are wrong yet feels so right?

I just got home. Tired yet unusually happy. I just came from a late afternoon spent with J. Sure, we have been going out for weekend late afternoon lunch and coffee, casual talks or a stroll for a while now, but today's meeting feels rather 'special.'

Well, it was almost the same thing. I mean I came to meet him for a late afternoon lunch (although I just had coffee creme brulee and drinks since I just came from a heavy lunch with a friend in UP) at Greenbelt, as we usually do. Everything is almost the same, except that this time, his boyfriend joined us.

Yes, he has a boyfriend (lets call him M). They have been together for a while now, and they are going strong. I knew J has a boyfriend when we met (again after not having seen each other for a long time) in April. I had no problems with that. I never found that a reason to stay away from J, however, with the constant reminder to myself at the same time that I wouldn't do anything to cause them trouble in the relationship. 

I like J. OK, I admit, I more than like him. To a certain extent, I can say that I love him. I have never felt a strong emotion toward someone (aside from my ex-bf) like how I feel with J. But at the same time, I know that I cannot push further as I might just blow everything we have now.

I am happy with how things are going on with J and I. I am content with the Sunday brunches we share-- the coffee talk, the late afternoon walk, the silent moments, the text messages-- I couldn't complain. Of course, given a choice, I would gladly have him as my boyfriend, but I know that's not going to happen, at least not now.

I also don't think its ever gonna happen. Not to be pessimistic whatsoever, but J and I already resolved many times that we are not compatible. Aside from some common interests as intellectual conversation, arts, love for 'finer' things, we jut can't seem to fit. We are like the same magnets with the same polarity, and we repel each other, at least romantically.

We have managed to maintain a very good relationship throughout the time we've been together. We have gone even closer when I disclosed to him my sero-status in August. However, just like any relationships, may it be romantic or otherwise, it  isn't perfect, I would say, as we have some moment of misunderstanding. But we always try to resolve.

Anyway, I  came to see J today with M. It felt a bit awkward at first, more than to my part, it is to M's. I sense it the moment I entered the room and sat by the table. I tried to shrug it off and remained as casual as I can. J and I talked like we normally do. We shoot random thoughts and take a good laugh at times. M, on the other hand, would whisper to J once in a while. 

This wasn't the first time that M and I be together at the presence of J. We've been in a party once and was able to talk to each. M knew my thing with J. He is also well aware of my story with J even before they became boyfriends. He said he is OK with that, but I am thinking that at the back of his mind must be some thoughts. I also tried NOT to decipher M's thoughts anymore.

I also have to admit that I am not certain about J's thoughts. I don't know how he sees me, or how he feels for me.I can't tell if he feels the same way for me as I feel for him. I chose not to find out. I am more than happy knowing that we are OK together.

With regard to J's relationship with M, I also do not know details of it. I don't ask. I don't inquire. I will leave everything to them.

This now makes me think if this is what we call 'wrong yet feels so right'. 

When my close friend found out I was seeing J, he told me to go out of the equation. Other friends also are in disapproval about me sticking around J with him being in a relationship. Despite all these, I remain. I decided to go on and keep whatever I have with J.

Everything feels so right whenever I am with J. He never failed to make me happy, to make me see the better side of things, to remind me of things I neglect, to make me think and rethink about things. He is always there to inspire me and keep me going. And most importantly, to always believe in the kindness of hearts and to Love.

This may sound wrong, I know, but my heart says this is right-- I love J and I will stick around, and I hope I make him feel the same as he does to me.

No Take-Back Policy

I used to have a “never take an ex back” policy. It stopped me from getting into some trouble  like the awkward feeling of the-morning-after-sex-with-an-ex, dropping cash for (un)necessary gifts, headaches from planning dates, and becoming the victim of sheer drunken douchebaggery.

A point needs to be told-- there are some guys you just get over and there’s simply no need for a do-over. You may consider having them as friends, or friends-with benefits if you must, but engaging in another romantic relationship with is simply out of the equation. I have been close to being tempted to taking my third boyfriend back, but decided to stick with my 'policy'.

But as they say, every policy must have an exemption. I, too, have once tried to embrace that 'excuse'-- I have gone through 'an exemption' and decided to give my last relationship a second chance. Lame as it may sound, there are times when we simply give in, for whatever reason it may be, but we just do it.

For those who hasn't followed the story, I was in a very good (live in) relationship with my then boyfriend for seven months until slowly, everything seem to have become a blur. I broke up with him. I sent him out of the condo and we decided to live separate lives (although not quite, as he decided to move in the same condo where I was, only in a different unit. Darn!). We didn't see each other for a while. Neither did we exchange messages via e-mail or text, aside from the few times that we had to to settle 'which-goes-to-whom.'

I 've gone dating during the time that we weren't together (this is when I met J) and I think he dated a few guys too. However, although I have dated a guy, I wasn't so sure if I was ready to hop into a new relationship. J is a very nice guy, and a very good boyfriend material, but at the back of my mind, something is holding me back. I couldn't make my advances to (J) the guy I am dating because I knew there is something left unfinished. I don't know how, but I knew I just knew it.

Then comes the opportunity. The guy am dating (J) decided to go back to his ex-bf, and by sheer and odd synchronosity, I saw my ex bf in the compound the same time J (dumped) me. That was the first time I saw him since the break up. We exchanged greetings but never talked, but I felt a breath of fresh air upon seeing him.  I went back to my unit and saw him online in YM. Finally I sent him a message: "Dress up. Lets go out", and he politely obliged.

We started seeing each other again after that. We were like first time lovers again. We did the same things as we did the first time-- dinner dates, movies, visit to my place and me to his place until we were once again sleeping over at each other's place. The next thing we know, we were lovers, AGAIN!

Our second shot at the relationship went well in most part. It was further strengthened (I think) by the incident of us knowing that we were both HIV positive. I even had a thought for a while that we are gonna be 'forever' until I started to mess up. The culmination of which is the second break up.

We weren't in speaking terms for a few months after the break-up. I decided not to care. I took the conscious effort not to hear from him, nor know what has been going on in his life. But just when I thought everything will just remain like how they were, I took my last chance at somehow fixing my mess. Not for any reason such as guilt or anything like that, I was forced by some friends to attend to his birthday party. I also thought that that might be the last time I am going to see him since I know he will be forced to leave the country any time soon. So with the most casual tone I can, I asked him on his birthday: "Do you hate me?". Then he replied, "No, I do not hate you. I cannot hate you. It took some time for me to absorb everything, but I do not hate you".

We have started talking to each other after that night. I am now comfortable talking to him again, and seeing him once in a while. But at the same time, I refused to break my own childish rule— "no take-backs."

Now I’m left with “what if?” questions. What if I’ll never love any other man as much? Or what if I'll never find any other guy who will love me as much as he did (or he does)? What if I never have sex as good again? What if he is THE ONE? And my personal favorite: What if I’m going to die alone now?

Even more excruciating and existential is the other side of the coin: Am I inflating who he is and what we had? Has he been martyred because he was the one that got away?

Not giving myself another chance is like opening a Pandora’s Box of second-guessing my self. OK, so I kept my pride, but what now? It don't have—him. And all I had to lose was a little bit more time spent trying to figure things out between us.

Unfortunately, now I’m stuck in a moment wondering “what if?”


--

Catching Up, and Lots of It

I haven't updated my blog for a while now. No, this isn't one of those spontaneous hiatus i do every once in a while. Neither it is because I've ran out of things to write. Rather, it is because of the discomfort of having been only able to do things single-handedly-- and I mean literally with one hand, that had me take writing (or typing, whatever you wanna call it) at a bay.

Now I am back, though still with only one able hand while the other is recuperating. I am getting better, nonetheless.

So, how do I start (again)?

Well, the past weeks have been good, I must say.

First, I have reconciled with my past. Although I really didn't have to deal with post break up anxiety after my relationship of more than a year ended in April, things weren't all good. BF and I weren't in speaking terms for a while until his birthday. Though I won't say everything is fixed now, it is good that we have started to be at ease and are able talk to each other without either antagonism or indifference.

Last week, I went to see him to get some of the things I left with him in the condo. I felt it was not as homey as before, but at least I felt at ease. We then decided to go out that night to a party of a friend, and here are a few things I realized.

BF is a special guy and will always have a special space in my heart. I may (choose to) cease to care at times, but I know that wouldn't last. I will always have a soft spot for this guy I love(d). Afterall, he is a great guy. He is a great guy in the same way that (I'd like to think)I am as well, and we are both great as individuals, only that it is not always great when we're together. Again, two great individuals do not always make a good couple. The fallacy of composition stands.

Still, another thing I realized is that is that although I would say I have long time accepted that we are no longer together and it is better this way, it (still) feels awkward whenever I am asked by friends about 'US'. I mean, at the same party we were in, we were asked how long have we been together, and I, although (still) not very comfortable, said "we are no longer together." I tried to disperse the situation with nonchalance, but I know at the back of my mind were a lot of thoughts. It could have been just the pressure from the assumption the relationships ought to last, well, at least ours. Or it could also be just me over thinking it. I could have just taken it as 'a plain statement of a fact' as I usually do with other truths I tell people, but I know this truth is one things I have to learn to take casually. It shouldn't be a big deal, afterall.

Moving on,I have finally decided to take on a new job last week. After going freelance since I left my last job in November last year, I decided to accept a regular job and go back to the corporate jungle. This isn't exactly my dream job, but for the meantime, I'll try and wing it.

Lastly, I finally went home. Just before I get enslaved in the corners of my new office, I decided to hit the road and head home to spend some time with my family.I know it is not a herculean task. A two to three hour commuting doesn't sound a task at all. I also know I should have done this a long time ago, and as often as I should have, but always failed. Despite my failure, it is good to know that it is always a home and a family waiting for me. I know I am loved.

I am staying at my mom's for the meantime. Although it pains me to see her worry upon and everytime she sees the wound on my left hand, I'll take the time and this chance to be the son to her, the brother to my siblings, and the uncle to my niece. Its gonna be a good happy vacation at home, I know.

Things are falling into places, and I am somehow pleased. Its also good that to know that by the time I am back in the city, a special person will have already been there. J will come back from his vacation soon. This is the one thing I look forward to at the moment.

Til I write again.

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles

As much as we wish it isn't so, one fact about human relationship remains: people come, people go. Sad, but that's the truth.

I was cyber spying earlier today, and that got me to open some pages. One led to another until I got to opening my mailbox. I sure had a lot of messages, both happy and sad, of acceptance and separation. I opened a few, and some touched my heart.

I am not just talking about romantic separation. I am talking about people I've touched, and was touched by. Sometimes I wonder, will there ever be a time when we might reconnect? Not just for a ‘blast from the past,’ but a real reconnection, a rejoining, a resumption of the friendship and of routine as if the split had never happened. Probably not, but I am hopeful.

When I left the University, I left a true family of friends with the absolute belief that nothing would change, that we would continue to talk and visit and share a rare closeness of heart. Of course, that didn’t happen as distance, time and space created an inevitable chasm between intention and reality. We still get to catch up once in a while, but that's all.

As I go on with my life and got to meet new people, new relationships were formed. I've thrown parties at my place and have met interesting people. Some have remained my friends, while some have left soon as the alcohol is gone. Its saddening, but as the saying goes, "that's the way the cookie crumbles". Its not as bad as it sounds, though.

I went into some period of both spontaneous and deliberate hiatus, and at some point became almost reluctant to disillusioned in meeting people and forming relations. But realizing I don't and I can't live in my own private world, I always open up.

This gets me to thinking: Why would someone dear return full-force while the other quietly slips into the ether? I don’t fully know, but I think it has something to do with need. People come and people go, satisfying a need for love and companionship in your life, or teaching you something you need to know. Luckily, a few people will stick around for a lifetime. But most are just here for a season. Maybe two.

I won't claim to have always stick with the same people. There are more than one occasions that I myself have to let go of others and choose separation. I guess that’s OK. We all have our reasons, and for all its worth, we learn from each other.

I am not here to do a roll call. Neither I am here do a loyalty check. People will always have their reasons.

For people who've always been there,and for some who remained though the physicality is gone, thanks for having me and have me touch your lives. It is both a pleasure and a joy.


Post Script:

I am terribly missing a certain someone. Can't wait to see him again.

Facing the Inevitable

The inevitable just happened. I just moved out of our condo and has just bailed out of a more-than-a-year relationship.

The past few days have become full of tension between me and boyfriend and I cannot handle it anymore. I need a time out. Although tensions were mostly expressed in deafening silence, they seemed as loud as cannonballs and I couldn't handle any more blasts. I am deciding to retreat.

This isn't the first time that boyfriend and broke up. We first broke up in August after seven months of live-in relationship. I'd have to say that that was one of the hardest times, but we couldn't take any more of us so we decided to leave some spaces between each other. He moved out of the condo. we haven't talked for a while, until we just found ourselves talking to each other a few months after, and eventually became lovers again and decided to give it a second chance sometime late October.

Our second shot at our relationship proved to be entirely different from our first seven months. The first one was full of butterflies and flowers, milk and honey and all the mushiness of new relationships. It is given. We were still very enamoured. We have eventually gone more matured yet relaxed on our second attempt though, and I felt that the second shot was better. Though we no longer do all the usual boyfriend stuff (which I (or we) love doing) like going out on dates often, exchanging gifts, trying to please each other, we still do the usual exchange of I Love You's and I Love You Too's (though less often than before), and I am very much comfortable and at ease with that. I guess have developed a certain degree of security in our relationship.

Anyway, what caused the inevitable? I wouldn't know exactly as we have never talked about it. We have not been talking since we went back from vacation. I have a hint, though, that it must be "that" incident.

I don't keep secrets from my boyfriend and so I told him about what happened with me and S. I assumed he knew about it, afterall, and just so to clarify any doubts he may have in mind, that's why I decided to open up and discuss it with him. He remained quiet and had been quiet for the next 3 days. I would ask him once in a while but I just recieves cold shoulders in return.

He has also become extremely to annoyingly critical of things the past few days. He would complain at the smell of cigarette at home, when in he himself smokes, would rant about unwashed glasses in the sink, and the likes. I know for sure something is going on in his mind, but is suppressing it instead. For whatever reason, I wouldn't know. All I know is that behind all these are emotions that are ready to vioelently explode.

Yes, maybe I f*cked up my relationship for choosing (un)wisely. Maybe I have pushed things to the limits.

I may have strong fears of having to leaving the relationship. I fear that I may not be able to start a new relationship given my status, and all those worries. But despite these fears, when no one seem to take charge, I need to do it myelf. I needed to make a choice, and I chose separation.

It may not be the wise choice. It r may not be the easier choice. Moreso, I may not be happy with my choice. But I'd rather take the hard choice than merely crash and burn or be completely lost.

I am giving our relationship a break.

Things will fall into places soon. Meanwhile, I go on.