Jumping over a Candlestick, a F***ed Up Fairy Tale short story, by j.a. kazimer

Today, it’s my pleasure to welcome j.a. kazimer to the Rock, where we’re in for a treat! She’s sharing a short story with us – a companion piece to her F***ed Up Fairy Tale novels!

Definitely not for baby's bedtime reading, the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series is an irreverent take on classic fairytales – think Shrek for grownups – combining humor, mystery, and characters only a fairy godmother could love.


If you don’t know j.a., you should!

When j.a. isn't looking for the perfect place to hide the bodies, she spends her time surrounded by cats with attitude and a little puppy named 'Killer'. Other hobbies include murdering houseplants, kayaking, snowboarding, reading, and theater. After years of slacking, j.a. received a master's degree in forensic psychology in 2007, mostly to fill the blank spaces on her wall. In addition to studying the criminal mind, she spent a few years spilling drinks on people as a bartender and then wasted another few years stalking people while working as a private investigator in the Denver area.

And now, without any further ado…

Jumping over a Candlestick by j.a. kazimer

Once upon a time (about 15 years, twenty-five days, six hours, and forty-three minutes ago) in a land not-so far away, better known as New Never City, more specifically inside a bedroom decorated with The New Bears on the Block posters, a young man wrapped his lanky arms around a teen girl and kissed her.

“That’s just right.” She curled her fingers around the young man’s neck to yank him closer. Desire and need burned within her, nearly driving her out of her mind. A feeling she planned to fully explore.

The boy shot her a slow, bad boy smile, the kind that made father’s grab their assault rifles. “Easy, G. We have all night,” he whispered, a ray of moonlight softening the already hard planes of his face. A face born of many a nights spent fighting for scraps of food and affection.

The girl, her skin flushed, stilled underneath his softly spoken words. Blue eyes met jade green ones filled with something dark and dangerous. She swallowed, hard, as if she knew their time together wouldn’t last.

And it didn’t.

Unhappily-soon-after, as the boy’s mouth returned to the girl’s lips, three bears arrived home. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” the grizzled voice of Judge Papa Bear growled from the kitchen of his expensive Easter Village brownstone.

The boy, in the bedroom upstairs, froze in place, his lips hovering inches away from the girl’s breast. He glanced down at the naked girl, his gaze turning from lusty to terrified faster than a caffeine-addicted mouse could run up a tab at Wish Upon a Starbucks.

“Someone’s drank all my wine,” Mama Bear’s voice rang out. “And after spending the afternoon with your mother I could really use a drink.”

The bedroom door swung open.

A shadow filled the doorway. With a cry the boy leapt off the bed, grabbed his pants, and ran to the window.

Looking over his shoulder at the girl, her glowing locks shining like golden flames in the flickering candlelight the boy swallowed hard. A faint breeze from the open window, a window that promised freedom, caressed his flesh much like the hands of the girl had moments ago.

The boy closed his eyes. “Another time. Another place,” he said as he dove over a lit candle, nearly singeing his naughty parts in the process, and out the window, disappearing into the dark night. Gravel crunched under his retreating boots.

The bedroom light flicked on illuminating the doorway where the baby bear stood. The girl gasped, clutching the blanket to her chest. Her frightened gaze locked on the young bear’s face. They stared at each other, eyes wide, neither making a sound.

Finally, when a full minute had passed, the baby bear broke eye contact. He motioned to the window and the fleeing boy. “He’s awfully nimble.”

***

j.a., thank you so much joining us today and for sharing Jumping over a Candlestick!

j.a. kazimer’s books include The Junkie Tales, The Body Dwellers, Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons, Dope Sick: A Love Story (A Wilde Crime), SHANK (A Wilde Crime), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale, and Froggy Style: A F***ed Up Fairy Tale.

You can learn more about j.a. at:

http://www.jakazimer.com
http://www.gold-digging-princess.com
http://jakazimer.blogspot.com/
http://thenewnevernews.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/jakazimer
https://twitter.com/jakazimer

Janet Fogg
Janet is the author of Soliloquy, an award-winning historical romance, and co-author of the military history best seller, Fogg in the Cockpit.

Editor with Kensington Peter Senftleben

If you attend a conference and meet an editor, hopefully you’ll get to chat with someone as cool as Peter Senftleben. We of Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers and Chiseled in Rock have a special place in our hearts for him because he discovered our friend J.A. Kazimer. Her novel Curses, a hilarious and irreverent take on classic fairy tales—think Shrek for grownups—went on sale March 1st 2012.

Maybe his cheerful disposition has something to do with the fact that his background is in engineering and math and he dodged them to do something he loved for the next fifty years. He’s a bit of a Renaissance man.

Peter frequents writers conferences in the Colorado area and we look forward to seeing him again at our Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers Gold Conference.

CIR: Is there lots of pressure from publishing companies to their editors to choose titles that will sell?

PS: Of course, that’s how anyone makes money! Ideally, all the projects we acquire will sell well, but the truth of it is that many don’t. And they ultimately become labors of love for us. We acquire books that we feel passionate about and hope that translates to the general book-buying public, but with so many options out there, it’s not always that easy. The challenge for us is to find books we love that also stand out enough to make people pick them up and get them to read them above all the other choices. For whatever reason, people still may not connect with a book on a grand scale the way we do personally, but those are inevitable and risks pretty much any publisher will take for the right books.

CIR: I’ve heard countless times that writers have to be working publicity angles even if they don’t have a book sold yet to be considered for publication. Is this really a deal breaker if they aren’t?

PS: It depends on the book. That’s much truer for nonfiction than fiction. If a book is good, fits our list, and we think there’s a market for it, pre-sale publicity efforts don’t matter to me (also, what would you be publicizing if you don’t even have a publisher yet?). It’s great to have a website and maybe a blog, Facebook page, Twitter account—for yourself as an author rather than a specific book—as a jumping off point, but there’s enough time between the sale of a manuscript and the publication date that you can get things up and running in the meantime. We’re getting more pressure to include early endorsements, especially for debuts, so personal connections with bestselling authors in your genre are the best thing to develop.

CIR: How important is it for a writer to be flexible about changing their manuscript?

PS: Authors always need to be open to revisions of any size. It’s very rare that a manuscript comes in perfect, and almost never by a new writer. One of the first books I worked on, I basically had the author rewrite nearly three-quarters of the book to change the points of view. There was much resistance, but in the end, he and I both agreed that it was much stronger because of those changes. I’ve also asked authors to change character names because too many started with the same letter. Often, writers get too close to their work and can’t see the weaknesses in it, so they need to be receptive to constructive advice. No editor is out to make the book worse, trust me. If an author is so attached to every single word as they’ve written them, then they should probably look into self publishing instead. Also, inflexible authors are nightmares and nobody wants to work with them, so chances of a renewed contract are slim; sorry, but it’s true.

CIR: What is your dream as an editor? Finding the next J.K. Rowling?

PS: That would be nice, but I think it’s a little bit more personal for me than finding a blockbuster out of the gate (though I suppose Harry Potter took a bit to get going). I have so many books and authors that I truly love and can’t extol their brilliance enough—T. Greenwood, Ken Wheaton, and Lee Houck, to name a few among many—and it would be a dream if more people discovered them and became as fanatical as I am. Also, if they were mega-successful and made tons of money, because then it would just be validation of my tastes and I would be satisfied knowing that I helped make it happen. And maybe I’d get a bigger raise…

CIR: Kensington has open submissions, no agent necessary. Has Kensington found lots of good writers through this submission path?

PS: I know that we have acquired some projects that way—I personally have a couple—so it’s possible, but I can’t speak to the company as a whole or how successful they are. I just don’t know the path every author has taken to get here or their sales figures. But since we’re so commercial and publish a lot of genre books (romance, mystery, thrillers, etc.), we are able to get some quality projects directly from writers, be it because agents haven’t taken them on for whatever reason or authors simply haven’t even tried to find agents. On the flip side, it opens us up for a lot of terrible submissions, too. Like, can barely write a sentence bad.

CIR: Now, staying in accordance with my M.O., I must ask something off track. You had interest in doing stand up comedy. Did you ever try it?

PS: No way! I’m much too shy. That was just a pipe dream for another life.

The genres that Peter accepts are posted on the Kensington webpage.

Interview conducted by Gusto Dave Jackson, urban fantasy and YA western steampunk author represented by the Belcastro Agency.

Original interview posted 11/17/11.

10 Myths about Being an Author

My name is Julie and I’m an author.

Hold your applause.

What? You weren’t planning on applauding? Oh.

Anyway, people are always asking questions. The big one is “Would you like fries with that?” but sometimes the questions relate to being an author. I’m not sure how they know that I write books for a living. Perhaps it’s my author-like scent. I’ve heard all authors emit this special sort of scent- Ode to Words, but I never believed it. Not till CURSES! was released last week and I noticed this stench clinging to me. Sure you could blame the whiskey, but I prefer to think that the smelly author myth is actually true.

By now you’re probably asking yourself, is there a point to this rambling? And the answer is…”Can I supersize my drink?”

Okay, now that my order’s complete, let’s talk myths, especially those 10 little ones that cling to authors:

10. Books are easy to write.
I hate to burst this particular bubble, since most people I know say stuff like, “I should write a book.” (And they should. Everyone should try at least once, and then I would never, ever hear that statement again). But book writing (at least good, publishable book writing) is damn hard and it takes months, sometimes years to finish.

9. Authors are all rich.
Sigh. I wish. Like me, most authors I know have a day job or a very nice spouse who supports the authors dream. Even semi-famous authors aren’t making the big bucks. For every six-figure book deal you hear about, there are twenty four figure ones. Worse, if you get an advance, you have to sell enough books to pay that advance (called earning out) before you make a dime on any book you sell.

8. Authors sell thousands and thousands of books.
To who? Please tell me where can I sell that many books? An average mid-list author with a new release will sell anywhere from 500 to a couple thousand book a year. Most books don’t even sell that many copies.

7. Once an author sells a book to a publisher, the author can just step back and reap in the royalties.
Ha! How I wish this myth was true. I sold my first book thinking this same thing. Boy did I learn a lesson over the next year. I had to arrange every book signing, send out all newsletters and press releases for media attention, and buy all my own book swag. A publisher does their part with editing, printing and distributing my book as well as helping to promote it.

6. All books are somewhat autobiographical.
Let me answer this as quick and easily as I can: NO. No. No. No. I am not a fairy tale villain. I’ve never been a fairy tale villain. Nothing in my novel is me or about me.

5. The narrator in the book is the author.
See the answer above. Whatever point of view a book is told in is a decision made by the author as a means to tell a story. I, the author, am not the narrator. I am merely the chick who types the words.

4. The day a book is released it will be front and center of the bookstore.
Not true. Here’s another painful lesson I learned. The books you see in the front of the bookstore, well, those are there because someone, likely the publisher, paid the store to place them there. Sadly, bookstores have less and less space for books. Many are now selling e-readers in space that used to house books. So the odds of finding your book on a store’s shelves are about 50/50.

3. Authors love attention and talking about their book.
Some do. Others, like me, would rather not be the center of attention. But it’s the nature of our business. If I want to succeed I have to tell people about my book.

2. If a book has vampires or a kid named Harry in it, you’ll make millions.
False. Please, for the love of all words, stop writing to what you think the market is or wants. If J.K. Rowlings or Stephenie Myers jumped off a bridge would you? Be fresh. Be unique. Be yourself.

1. All authors are young, sexy and hip.
This one happens to be absolutely true.

j.a. kazimer is a writer living in Denver, CO. With a master’s degree in forensic psychology, j.a. has worked as a private investigator, bartender, and at the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. Books include The Junkie Tales (2010), The Body Dwellers (2011), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale (2012), and Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons (2012). The next book in the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series, FROGGY-STYLE, is forthcoming from Kensington in 2013. Read more about j.a. at http://www.jakazimer.com

Chiseled Author j.a. kazimer is Interviewed!

By Janet Fogg

We’ve been asked, so today we’re offering answers to questions such as: Chiseled Staff? Are they really that chiseled? Are they completely off their Rockers? And what do they do behind that closed door?!

Over the next few months you’ll see interviews with our own Chiseled Staff, and today we’re talking to j.a. kazimer.

With a master’s degree in forensic psychology, j.a. has worked as a PI, bartender, and at the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics. Books include The Junkie Tales (Obscure Publishing, 2010), Stolen Kidneys, Dead Hookers & Other Nursery Crimes (Obscure Publishing, 2010), and The Body Dwellers (Solstice Publishing, 2011).

Forthcoming books include CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale (Kensington, March 2012, with the second book in her Fairy Tale series scheduled for 2013), and Holy Socks and Dirtier Demons (Champagne Books, April 2012).

CIR: j.a., thank you for joining us today! How do you describe yourself (the top three things that come to mind)?

j.a.: Writerly nerd with delusions of grandeur and a cat.

CIR: Please describe the path of your writing career.

j.a.: I started writing in 2001, nine years, seven manuscripts, an agent, and over 1,000 rejections later, I landed my first big publishing contract with Kensington for the F***ed-Up Fairy Tale series.

CIR: What are your current writing goals and challenges? (What are you working on?)

j.a.: Keeping sane with my first big book release on March 1st. There is so much self-promotion to do that I’m finding it hard to write new stuff.

CIR: What are the two toughest things about writing?

j.a.: Writing and writing...oh and spelling, that’s a bitch at times...

CIR: Do you prefer igneous, metamorphic, or sedimentary?

j.a.: I’m a fan of shale. Not sure where that falls in, but I like a rock that I can use as a chalkboard.

CIR: How has RMFW helped you advance your career?

j.a.: Other than being the very reason I got a book deal (met my editor at the 2010 Colorado Gold Conference, where he requested the full manuscript and we signed a deal less than a month later) I’ve met so many excellent writers and now friends, I can’t begin to say how much I love RMFW. In fact, if you buy CURSES! you’ll see that I’ve made a special mention of RMFW and its wealth of talent.

CIR: As we know, RMFW is an all-volunteer organization. Have you or do you volunteer elsewhere in the organization?

j.a.: I volunteered as well as taught at the 2011 conference. I hope to do so again this year.

CIR: What writers inspire you?

j.a.: Christopher Moore is the big one, but I also love Tim Dorsey, Mario Acevedo, Jeanne C. Stein, Cindi Myers, Jennifer Crusie, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Oh, I could go on all day.

CIR: What genres do you read?

j.a.: Mystery, romance, urban fantasy, biography, thrillers. More to the point, I read anything with a fancy cover.

CIR: Do you ever get writer’s rock, er… block? If so how do you break through?

j.a.: Why would you curse me like that?

CIR: What do you feel your stories are born of?

j.a.: The need to answer a question. For example, CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale was born of the question, What if being a villain was merely your job instead of a way of life?

CIR: What one piece of advice would you offer to new writers?

j.a.: Read. Write. Try again. Very few of us sell our first manuscript.

CIR: What’s your favorite rock and roll song?

j.a.: Oh, the pressure.... Let’s go with...Lou Reed’s Ecstasy...oh wait, hope about Jim Bianco’s I’ve Got a Thing For You...But then again, I do love the song La Vie Boheme off the musical RENT’s soundtrack...I’m also a sucker for Jesse’s Girl...Damn, why would you do this to me? I have a deadline to meet... Okay, final answer....

CIR: When did you first consider yourself a writer?

j.a.: Two days ago, but I’ve since revised my opinion.

CIR: Do you still have a “day” job? Other interests or hobbies?

j.a.: Since my cat and I like to eat, yes, I have a day job at the Jack Kerouac School of Disembodied Poetics...yeah, you should see my business card.

CIR: What books have most influenced you?

j.a.: Where the Sidewalk Ends. I still pray each night for the Lord to break my toys so none of the other kids can play with them.

CIR: Do you recall how your interest in writing originated?

j.a.: After 9/11, I couldn’t emotionally process what was happening, so I started to jot down notes filled with statics, which then morphed into stories of survivors. Now I write f***ed-up fairy tales. I think I’ve come full circle.

CIR: Do you like rocking chairs?

j.a.: The rockier the better.

CIR: If you could time travel, when and where would you go?

j.a.: Not the holocaust or the assassination of JFK. I selfishly (and guiltily) would travel seventy-five years into the future to check to see if I was right about Larry King being a cyborg. I’m betting I am.

CIR: What do you predict for the future of the publishing industry and where you fit into that?

j.a.: I think writers need to keep their options open right now. Don’t jump ship too quickly for indie publishing, and don’t sign a traditional book deal without considering the e-book ramifications. I am happy to be firmly in both worlds, in that I have e-published stories and a short story collection, and am traditionally published with international distribution.

The foolish writer is one who sees publishing through only one model.

CIR: And lastly, what did you dream of when you were twelve years old?

j.a.: To grow boobs. Seriously, the women in my family are...well-endowed and I get these? WTF?

CIR: Thank you for joining us today, j.a.!

You can learn more about j.a. and her writing at http://www.jakazimer.com/, or by visiting her blogs: http://thenewnevernews.blogspot.com/ and http://jakazimer.blogspot.com/. She’s on Twitter at http://twitter.com/jakazimer and on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/jakazimer.

BOOK SIGNING: j.a. and Cindi Myers will be signing books at 3 P.M. March 3, 2012 at the Broadway Book Mall, 200 S. Broadway, Denver, CO.

CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale is definitely not for baby’s bedtime reading, this hilarious and irreverent take on classic fairy tales—think Shrek for grownups—combines humor, mystery, and characters only a fairy godmother could love…

Interview with Agent Sharon Belcastro

Interview with Agent Sharon Belcastro
by j.a. kazimer

It is my pleasure to interview my agent, Sharon Belcastro of the Belcastro Agency for the Chiseled in Rock Blog. Sharon's been my agent for over four years, and I cannot say enough good stuff about her, but I'll let you read for yourself.

JK: Welcome Sharon. Thank you for taking time to answer a few questions for us. First off, can you tell our readers what genres you accept and what sort of thing you're currently looking for?

SB: Thank you Julie. I am so humbled by your kind words and your interest to interview me because I’m really not that interesting. Ha ha. We accept fantasy, all things paranormal, historical fiction, literary fiction, women’s fiction, YA, crime, thriller and suspense, true crime and crime fiction. We aren’t so crazy about chick lit, erotica or straight romance. Right now we are looking for that novel that is unique and addictive regardless of genre. One that grabs us from the first chapter. You know like, "Opening my good eye, I tried to focus, something I regretted immediately. Ivan wasn’t wearing pants, or underwear, or skin for that matter. He stood in front of me in full muscle, veined, and skinless splendor. 'Laundry day?' I gestured to his sagging pectorals." (from The Body Dwellers by me. I told you that Sharon rocks!).

JK: How did you get started in the publishing/agent business?

SB: I’ve always been a geeky book worm. While all the other kids in the neighborhood were playing kick the can, I was sitting on the steps reading a book. But it took me a lot of years to realize I could actually do something with that passion. After a degree in engineering, a master’s in business and 20 years in corporate America, I decided I wanted to really LOVE my job rather than just make a good living. So I took all that I had learned from the business side, took a year studying the publishing business, brought on the talent I needed from the writing side in my partner Ella Marie and launched Belcastro Agency.

JK: How many queries do you receive in an average week? From those, how many requests do you make?

SB: We receive about 50 queries per week and may request 2-3 full manuscripts although we only sign 1 in several hundred manuscripts.

JK: What unique features make you sign a client/manuscript?

SB: A really unique voice and concept and a writer that is not completely head over heels in love with themselves.

JK: What is the most important thing a writer can do for their career?

SB: When it comes to writing, read-read-read. After being published, get your name out there through every outlet applicable. Find all the Facebook pages and communities that relate to your genre and get engaged. Share your advice, experience, expertise, articles you find helpful, everywhere and anywhere you can. Of course mentioning your book as often as you can without being too obnoxious about it.

JK: (CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES! CURSES!) Oops, sorry about that...

JK: What are your current favorite books?

SB: Besides those from our beloved authors of course, I’m tending toward the quirky or the literary these days. The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, The Invisible Wall by Harry Bernstein, anything Christopher Moore, Mistress Shakespeare by Karen Harper, The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, Wench by Dolen Perkins-Valdez, The Virgin Blue by Tracy Chevalier, Water for Elephants, The Dust of 100 Dogs by A.S King, Henrietta Hornbuckle's Circus of Life by Michael de Guzman and currently reading The Midget's House (A Circus Story...A Love Story...A Ghost Story) by Anita Bartholomew. I could go on for hours. And I just noticed there seems to be a circus theme running through my list. Hmmmmm.

JK: Thoughts on E/Indie Publishing? Will it eat all of publishing as we know it?

SB: Given the way of movie and music stores, I’d say it’s really going to put up one heck of a fight if it doesn’t.

JK: And finally, what advice do you have for new writers?

SB: Read, read, read. Learn what agents and editors are looking for and not looking for in terms of writing. Ask for and take criticism well. And finally, don’t start your query letter with, “I’m giving you two weeks to read my future best selling novel…………”


Thank you, Sharon, for taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with us
Thank you girl. Love you loads!
.
If you are interested in learning more about or the guidelines for submission at the Belcastro Agency, please visit http://www.belcastroagency.com/

DIRTY JOBS: Writer

Mike Rowe from Discovery Channel's DIRTY JOBS has nothing on me. The toughest job around is...yes that’s right...being a writer. As you know, writing is hell on a manicure.

As grueling as my job is, I love it. I really do. Who could blame me, being a writer is amazing. I make stuff up all day long, my heroine says witty things to the hero, and the sex is always INCREDIBLE.

Even better, for my novel, The Body Dwellers, I spent days shopping the internet for pink combat boots, all in the name of ‘research’. My friends argue that researching pink combat boots isn’t really work. I prefer to think of my ‘research’ as a necessary evil. After all, poor footwear can cause real problems for a half-human, half-mutant woman on a mission to protect the man who betrayed her in order to save those she loves.

So how do you research? Are you an internet voyeur? Spending days surfing the web for the perfect character name, locale, or tiny detail that favors your manuscript just right? Or do you visit exotic locations? A writer friend of mine who's working on a novel set in St. John, goes on 'research' vacations to the island every year. Not bad, right?

But what about the other, less fun details? For example fight scenes? I learned a valuable lesson on this one (hint: don't try catching a knife mid-air). How about historical facts? Like the type of corset worn in Victorian England? Do you fudge the details?

Sometimes I wish I did (see example below).

Currently, I'm working on a second novel in the F**ked Up Fairytale series (CURSES! A F**KED UP FAIRYTALE will be released in March 2012). The 'research' hasn't taken me to alot of vacation destinations, and in fact, I've spent days researching amphibian parts. For example, I recently learned male frogs are less than...well endowed... In fact, they don't have genital at all.

Yep, that's right. I've been watching frog porn.

In the name of research.

Take that Mike Rowe.

~ j.a. kazimer (Writer & Frog Sex Expert)

Partially stolen from RomCom Blog, June 6, 2011

Plotting to Kill Your Critique Partner

by j.a. kazimer

I know. I know. It’s not legal to choke the life out of anyone (no matter how good it would feel). And yet, I want to kill my critique partner with every breath I take. And I know just how to do it. I’d start with a roll of duct tape and the word orangutan…

But you, dear blog reader, are not here for ideas on how to get away with murdering your fellow writers (or maybe you are, who am I to judge), so instead I will tell you a little bit about why my critique partner must die.

The reason is simple: They critique me.

I know, right? What are they thinking?

But is critiquing worth it, one might ask, if that one likes to suffer? And since you’re reading a blog about being a professional writer, I’m guessing you do. So my answer is, perhaps.

Working with a critique partner is like being married in many ways. By which I mean thankless and unending. And like a marriage, your critique relationship depends on each writer following the ‘rules’. These should be a set of guidelines developed before a critique relationship begins, sort of like a prenup, in which both writers agree to certain things. Sounds easy enough, right? If you think so, I’m guessing you’ve never said ‘I Do’.

So you’re probably asking yourself, ‘Why would anyone have a critique partner?’

Good question. But it comes down to this—When it works, it works.

And sometimes it doesn’t.

So you plot their murder.

And then you send them your next chapter.

You SUCK! (Or I’m Okay, You’re a Terrible Writer)

Written by j.a. kazimer last April 2010...

You Suck! Part I

How many people have to say you suck before you give up your dream of writing, and ‘get a real’ job? One? Ten? A hundred? Five hundred? How about 1,000? Congratulations to me, I officially suck!

Recently, I received the dreaded 1,000 rejection. Neatly typed in a form letter. It read something like: YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! Or at least that’s what the words, formed so prettily, said to me. Now mind you, 1,000 people haven’t told me that I suck. THAT would be humiliating. Nope, faceless emails from faceless agents, editors and interns at publishing houses have had that honor. And it must be an honor, because, well, I hear it so damn much!

And it doesn’t get any better once you land an agent. Not even a little bit. You see, my rejection is now a shared endeavor. Not only do I suck, but my poor agent sucks by proxy. Thankfully, when I signed my agent agreement, we agreed on a YOU SUCK clause. In other words, she doesn’t send me every rejection letter. She does pass along the ones that offer suggestions, or say nice things. I really hate those. You know the ones. They say stuff like LOVED your voice, LOVED the characters, LOVED the plot, but the young adult-urban fantasy-serial killer-one-armed detective market just isn’t selling right now...

Go figure.

But you know what? One day it will, and then I’ll plaster the walls of my multi-million dollar mansion (thanks to my 7,000 book deal) with every rejection letter, email, and smoke signal ever received.

Or not.

Either way, rejection can’t kill you. Oh, it can sting and make you cry like a little kid, but it won’t kill you. You will live on to stare at a blank screen. To wonder how to arrange the perfect scene. To stage the perfect murder. To write another manuscript about vampire girl scouts with the ability to sell cookies at lightening speed.

When your next rejection letter comes, and it will, even famous authors are rejected sometimes, open it up, read it slowly aloud in your best I SUCK voice, and hit delete. Then pop open your word processor, and start writing...

‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times for selling cookies. Thin Mints won’t sell themselves...’ I think I’m on to something...

April 2011...

You SUCK! Part II

Alas, I wasn’t onto anything. But as I sit at my computer, today, right now, this very minute, I can say that a lot has changed in one year. Sure, the Girl Scout, one armed serial killer thing didn’t quite work out, but a couple of other books did. As I write this post, I am finally a published author; in fact, by this time next year I will have three books in print, with a fourth on its way. I’m not saying this to brag. I swear. Okay, maybe just so you'll like me...

But really I’m telling you this because realizing your publication dream can take a split second, a chance encounter, a bit of luck. For so long I thought that I sucked and had the rejections to prove it (and while I still suck in plenty of ways), I don’t suck at telling a story. And neither do you. So take a chance, send out that 1035th query letter, risk it all, because you too can be writing from your freshly purchased mansion decorated in rejection letters.

Okay, more like a cardboard box under a viaduct off Speer, but that’s not the point, persistence makes us great writers (and stalkers). So keep trying until Janet Reid has to take a restraining order out on you! BTW, anyone know a good lawyer?