Jumping over a Candlestick, a F***ed Up Fairy Tale short story, by j.a. kazimer

Today, it’s my pleasure to welcome j.a. kazimer to the Rock, where we’re in for a treat! She’s sharing a short story with us – a companion piece to her F***ed Up Fairy Tale novels!

Definitely not for baby's bedtime reading, the F***ed Up Fairy Tale series is an irreverent take on classic fairytales – think Shrek for grownups – combining humor, mystery, and characters only a fairy godmother could love.


If you don’t know j.a., you should!

When j.a. isn't looking for the perfect place to hide the bodies, she spends her time surrounded by cats with attitude and a little puppy named 'Killer'. Other hobbies include murdering houseplants, kayaking, snowboarding, reading, and theater. After years of slacking, j.a. received a master's degree in forensic psychology in 2007, mostly to fill the blank spaces on her wall. In addition to studying the criminal mind, she spent a few years spilling drinks on people as a bartender and then wasted another few years stalking people while working as a private investigator in the Denver area.

And now, without any further ado…

Jumping over a Candlestick by j.a. kazimer

Once upon a time (about 15 years, twenty-five days, six hours, and forty-three minutes ago) in a land not-so far away, better known as New Never City, more specifically inside a bedroom decorated with The New Bears on the Block posters, a young man wrapped his lanky arms around a teen girl and kissed her.

“That’s just right.” She curled her fingers around the young man’s neck to yank him closer. Desire and need burned within her, nearly driving her out of her mind. A feeling she planned to fully explore.

The boy shot her a slow, bad boy smile, the kind that made father’s grab their assault rifles. “Easy, G. We have all night,” he whispered, a ray of moonlight softening the already hard planes of his face. A face born of many a nights spent fighting for scraps of food and affection.

The girl, her skin flushed, stilled underneath his softly spoken words. Blue eyes met jade green ones filled with something dark and dangerous. She swallowed, hard, as if she knew their time together wouldn’t last.

And it didn’t.

Unhappily-soon-after, as the boy’s mouth returned to the girl’s lips, three bears arrived home. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair,” the grizzled voice of Judge Papa Bear growled from the kitchen of his expensive Easter Village brownstone.

The boy, in the bedroom upstairs, froze in place, his lips hovering inches away from the girl’s breast. He glanced down at the naked girl, his gaze turning from lusty to terrified faster than a caffeine-addicted mouse could run up a tab at Wish Upon a Starbucks.

“Someone’s drank all my wine,” Mama Bear’s voice rang out. “And after spending the afternoon with your mother I could really use a drink.”

The bedroom door swung open.

A shadow filled the doorway. With a cry the boy leapt off the bed, grabbed his pants, and ran to the window.

Looking over his shoulder at the girl, her glowing locks shining like golden flames in the flickering candlelight the boy swallowed hard. A faint breeze from the open window, a window that promised freedom, caressed his flesh much like the hands of the girl had moments ago.

The boy closed his eyes. “Another time. Another place,” he said as he dove over a lit candle, nearly singeing his naughty parts in the process, and out the window, disappearing into the dark night. Gravel crunched under his retreating boots.

The bedroom light flicked on illuminating the doorway where the baby bear stood. The girl gasped, clutching the blanket to her chest. Her frightened gaze locked on the young bear’s face. They stared at each other, eyes wide, neither making a sound.

Finally, when a full minute had passed, the baby bear broke eye contact. He motioned to the window and the fleeing boy. “He’s awfully nimble.”

***

j.a., thank you so much joining us today and for sharing Jumping over a Candlestick!

j.a. kazimer’s books include The Junkie Tales, The Body Dwellers, Holy Socks & Dirtier Demons, Dope Sick: A Love Story (A Wilde Crime), SHANK (A Wilde Crime), CURSES! A F***ed-Up Fairy Tale, and Froggy Style: A F***ed Up Fairy Tale.

You can learn more about j.a. at:

http://www.jakazimer.com
http://www.gold-digging-princess.com
http://jakazimer.blogspot.com/
http://thenewnevernews.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/jakazimer
https://twitter.com/jakazimer

Janet Fogg
Janet is the author of Soliloquy, an award-winning historical romance, and co-author of the military history best seller, Fogg in the Cockpit.

What's New from Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers?

Here are a few of the recent and upcoming releases from members of Rocky Mountain Fiction Writers:

Vampire Syndrome
By Daven Anderson
PDMI Direct 1/17/2013
Paperback $12.95 e-book $3.99
There is a YA version of this novel as well as an adult version with two different book covers.


"Can Special Oympics champion Jack Wendell survive, now that he’s been turned into a vampire? All Jack wants is to be accepted as a valued member of the vampire community. But he can’t do this when Chief Venator (vampire law enforcer) Damien Tepesh has ordered Jack to be killed.

Fortunately, Jack wins the respect of a powerful ally. Lilith Morrigan, President of the Vampires, hides Jack from the ruthless Venators and gives him a chance to prove his worth. But she cannot stop her husband Damien from targeting Jack.

Damien summons Romania’s Chief Venator Zetania Vinescu to Colorado to help him hunt Jack. Lilith over-rides her husband and orders Zetania to protect Jack from the Venators.

As Damien and Lilith battle over control of Jack, a new threat emerges. A space-alien Pure vampire has come to Colorado, specifically to kidnap Jack. Even if Damien and Lilith settle their differences, can they keep Jack safe from the Pures?"

For more information about Daven and his books, please visit his website and blog. He can also be found on Facebook.

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Muckross Folly
By J. L. Austgen
Dreampipe Publishing March 1, 2013
ISBN: 978-0985063047
Hardcover $26.99 Paperback $15.99 ebook $4.99

"Reeling from the destruction of her team at the hands of her deputy, FBI agent Evelyn Morgan vows revenge against her nemesis, the assassin that planned the operation, Omar Ben Iblis. The trail leads to an old friend, well-connected and well-placed in Washington's political establishment.

When he refuses to help, Morgan must scramble to find the pieces to the puzzle. While investigating, she discovers a vicious new menace, more cunning and deadly than anyone she has ever faced. Trained and mentored by Ben Iblis, this new threat has already struck her family, and if Morgan doesn't act quickly, she'll be the talented protégé's next victim."

Visit J.L. at J.L. Austgen…in my words…  and on Facebook.

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Cruising in Your Eighties is Murder
By Mike Befeler
Wheeler Publishing March 18, 2013
ISBN: 978-1410455581
Large Print paperback edition $25.99


"In Cruising in Your Eighties Is Murder cantankerous octogenarian Paul Jacobson becomes involved in a series of crimes while struggling with the problems of his short-term memory loss. On an Alaskan cruise, he must deal with mayhem, missing people and murder and use all his geezer resources to solve a case of international intrigue.

The hard cover edition of this book is a finalist for Left Coast Crime 2013's The Lefty Award for best humorous mystery of 2012."

For more information about Mike’s geezer lit series, visit his website and blog.  He is also on Facebook and Twitter.

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Froggy Style
By J. A. Kazimer
Kensington 2/26/13
ISBN: 978-0758269133
Paperback $15.00 ebook $9.39

"Part of the hot trend of revamped fairytales--from the films Mirror, Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman to hit TV shows Once Upon a Time and Grimm--J.A. Kazimer's second raucous and irreverent book in the F***ed-Up Fairytale series puts a new spin on a French-kissing frog looking for his princess!

Less than two weeks before he turns thirty, Jean-Michel La Grenouille--the Frog Prince--must find his One. Only by marrying the girl who originally turned him human can he keep from turning back into a frog. When Jean-Michel is introduced to Beauty, a beautiful blonde with a sleeping disorder, he's convinced she's the One and proposes.

But after a drunken night out in Cin City, Jean-Michel discovers that there's a hit out on Beauty. If she's killed before they get married, he'll return to his lilypad forever. He sets out to find the assassin and stop him--but it seems Beauty isn't too keen on getting married either. And to make things worse, a sexy tattoo artist has Jean-Michel's heart hopping..."

Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask about Julie and her books can be found at her website and blog. She also has been known to hang out at Facebook and Twitter.

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Memory Lane
By Vella Munn
Samhain Publishing 2/19/2013
ISBN: 978-1619211933
e-book $3.99

"One secret threatens everything she thought she knew. Another threatens her life…

When the museum in Kim Revis’s small home town needs her expertise to design a security system against increasing thefts, she’s more than happy to help. Coming home will give her a chance to get her grandmother’s historic house ready to sell now that the elderly woman is in assisted living.

Meeting her grandmother’s attorney Mark Stockton is an unexpected thrill. He’s warm, compassionate and exceedingly sexy, if a little reserved. Plus he’s concerned about her safety at the museum. But he needn’t worry—though the thief hasn’t been caught, she’s never felt in any personal danger.

Fate has a lousy sense of time. In a perfect world, Mark would simply ask Kim out and their instant chemistry would take it from there. But there’s a major obstacle: attorney/client privilege demands he withhold a deeply disturbing secret that could turn Kim’s rosy memories of her past upside down.

Secrets aren’t the only things lurking in the museum’s dark corners. When one of them emerges from the shadows to threaten her life, the barriers come down. And the truth threatens to destroy their fragile love."


For more information about Vella and her novels, visit her website.She can also be found on Facebook.

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Phantom Harvest: A Book in the Mutant Casebook Series
By C. R. Richards
Whiskey Creek Press February 2013
e-book $4.99

“Gideon, a half-breed mutant with a surly temper and rotten luck, struggles to scrape a living as a tracker in the desolate territory near the gateway to the human world. Business seems to be picking up when Gideon is approached by a powerful dark elf with deep pockets and a serious problem. Human miners at the dark elf's plant are being taken by an elusive predator.

Gideon is pressured to find the killer before word of the disappearances reaches the human world, endangering the tense relationship between their two races. But, nothing is simple this close to the conduit between worlds. Archangel, a ruthless mercenary operating in the secret sectors of mutant society, has set his own deadly game in motion.

Surrounded by savage wilderness and cut off from contact with civilization, Gideon must find a way to protect his friends and survive to collect his bounty.”

For more information about the author and her novels, visit her website.  She is also on Facebook and Twitter.

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Behind the Badge
By Terry Wright
TWB Press
Short Story ebook $.99

"In Book 10 of the Justin Graves Horror Short Story Series, bad cops use deadly force against a teenage boy who's arguing with his mother about joining the army. They know that firing a gun while on duty is a serious matter, but these cops have contingency plans in case they get brought up on charges. It's called a 'drop.' They may have fooled the internal affairs investigators, but they haven't fooled Justin Graves. In hell, guns are not allowed.

This story was inspired by the 2003 killing of Paul Childs, a distraught teenage boy who was shot by Denver police officers when he wouldn't obey their commands to drop a kitchen knife he was holding to his own chest. The cops claimed they feared for their lives, and the shooting was ruled justified."

Learn more about Terry, TWB Press and his novels and short stories at his website.  He also hangs out on Facebook, Twitter, and You Tube.

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Information collected and formatted by Patricia Stoltey