Speaking of the Vocation of Marriage and Loving Spouses... #Catholic

"kkollwitz," a frequent visitor here, shared with me his blog entry written about his wife. It is simply beautiful. Here is a portion. To read the entire thing, go here. (He is author of the blog, "Smaller Manhattans," a gem.) And because it's so poetic, I'm not going to say much else except that his description and obvious joy in loving his wife made me think: This is what God intended when He brought together a man and a woman for a covenant marriage.

What a marvel to know that for yet another day, the quotidian reality of my marriage exceeds any fantasy I could contrive. Pretty much every minute I've been able to spend with her in the last 22 years I've spent doing things with her, it never occurring to me that the time could be better used. As Sinatra sings, "these precious days, I spend with you..." Odd that all our foibles (mine, mostly) don't matter, and marriage shows me how glibly I spent my time a single person. And every few months or so, love grows, gets palpably bigger, deeper, wider, stronger. Maybe she really is bone of my bone, and that'll be apparent when, like St. Paul says, I can see clearly.

God comes through my wife to me. All the goodness in her, the divine energy in us...it passes through, out into our children, out into the world. How incredible to be, with her, a single conduit of such powerful grace. And the kids, borne by her, opened my ears, turning God's faint whisper into a strong voice.

Thoughts on My Vocation: Marriage #Catholic

This past Sunday, we had our Diocesan Director of Vocations give the homily. He focused on the vocation of priesthood, but also mentioned other vocations, including marriage. He said that whatever vocation we had, it included the salvation of souls.

This is where a Catholic understanding of vocation comes into play. When I was attending the non-denominational churches, it was taught that marriage was a blessing. I don't believe it was presented as "a calling" because everyone had the opportunity to be married, including leadership. I do remember that because I was single for so long, I was starting to think that was my calling. I believe my Catholic upbringing contributed to this view.

On Sunday, I had a revelation. I knew that by marrying, I was entering into a covenant relationship where I would love and serve my husband. But I never really saw it as a vocation, even though Catholicism defines marriage in that way. Suddenly, I saw it as a vocation just as Mother Teresa saw her life serving the poor in India as a vocation, just as a priest or nun views their life as a vocation. I suddenly realized that I was called to love and serve my husband as though he were Christ Himself. And by doing so, I would become a vessel of God's grace to my husband and instrumental in the salvation of his soul.

This may seem like an "of course!" moment for my Catholic friends. But on Sunday, I just sat there in the pew stunned and overwhelmed by this vocation. Each person has great value in the sight of God. So many times, it can be tempting to view the life of a religious and think, "Well, they're a shepherd over a huge flock (the parish or monastery) and that is so much more important than what I'm doing." But we are called to love and serve individuals. Even priests and nuns must deal with people individually, one at a time, and love them as they are called to do so by God.

I have always looked outward to "groups" when I've thought of vocations and service. Most of my life has been spent with groups and that is the prism I've used to view my obedience to God's call to love one another. But never have I really thought of it as loving an individual.

I truly adore my husband. I love him so much and feel so blessed to have him. However, we have differences of opinion like any other couple. There have been times when I have not treated him well; often losing my temper as I over-react or misinterpret something he said. (Believe me, fodder for the confessional...) But now I am seeing Christ in him. It is the same as when Mother Teresa was asked how she could love the unlovable in India's caste system. She responded that she saw in their faces the face of her Lord and Savior. Jesus Christ appears to us in many ways. We are called to love no matter what form He may take. For whatever reason, I never connected that to a spouse.

So my new perspective has led me to this: would I treat Christ this way? Would I speak to Christ in such a tone? Would I ignore Christ when He spoke to me? I realize that although my husband is not Catholic, I am to love and serve him as though he was the greatest saint who ever lived. (And living with me, he just may be.) The call to love in this manner is indeed overwhelming enough to send me to my knees in prayer. I admit I've prayed that my husband would be drawn to God and attend church. But those prayers have definitely outnumbered the amount of times I prayed that I would love and serve my husband as though he was Christ in my midst.

I don't know of any good Catholic books about the vocation of marriage, especially written for wives, but if there are, please let me know. I'll be searching of course on my own, but any recommendations will be greatly appreciated. This is going to be my vocation for the rest of my life, until either I pass on or my husband. I want to make sure I answer the call fully.

Dawn Eden, "The Thrill of the Chaste," and Chastity in Marriage

I haven't written as much lately because we're in the midst of a move. Ugh. Although I don't enjoy moving per se, it does give one the opportunity to purge and the added anticipation of a new environment. We do not have much room here, so I'm looking forward to having a little more room, especially in the kitchen.

Meanwhile, I've been reading Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. I am in awe of her transparency. She is very honest in sharing her story, no holds barred. From all my years of celibacy and chastity, I can relate. Although at times it can be a difficult calling, it is not impossible. God gives us the strength to endure many things and for singles, enduring the loneliness can be achieved when we lean on Him for support.

I just posted on the Facebook group, "Castitas," a recommendation for this book. As I was typing the message, I started to think of how my call to chastity has changed since marrying.

Before, as a single, I tried to refrain from lusting after men. No small task, given the huge amount of sexploitation this culture imposes upon both sexes. I am not immune, for instance, to the sight of a well-sculpted man or someone who has a smile that could take your breath away. But as I had practiced rejecting certain movies or magazines as a single because of the paths toward temptation they'd bring; so I realized I needed to protect my marriage.

I do this a few ways. First, I never speak negatively about my husband not only in public, but to anyone. If there is an issue I have with him, I bring it to him. I also pray about it, but I figure God and my husband are the only ones to really hear it. Our society has become so used to "venting," that it's become a national sport. So much criticism of others has been paraded as "venting" when in essence, it is gossip and serves no good purpose.

When women gather, it is very easy for the conversation to turn toward husbands and boyfriends and how men overall aren't "stepping up to the plate" in a variety of areas. I'm not real keen on that kind of talk. In fact, I take offense for my brothers because most of the time, they're trying their very best. And some of us ladies aren't exactly berries and cream all the time, either.

Jesus commands us to love one another. Is it loving to be critical of the one person who shares with you the greatest intimacy? We are also instructed to edify and exhort one another. Griping about someone's faults won't build up anyone.

The other decision I made was to knowingly avoid any inappropriate conduct with other men. This included forswearing my love for contra-dancing. (Some of you may be saying "Contra what?...") Contra-dancing is like square-dancing except you have two lines of dancers instead of a square. You always dance with your partner, but then you dance with your neighbor. The lines weave with each other so that you end up dancing with a lot of people.

When I asked my husband if he'd consider joining me in attending a dance event, he flatly refused. When I asked why, he said, "Because I don't want to hold any other woman in my arms but you."

Sigh...how can a lady argue with that?

So because he was honoring me by this response, I honored him by saying no to any future contra-dancing. I had a few of my friends say I should go anyway and have fun - but to me, I wouldn't enjoy it. If my husband's idea of chastity is to not dance with other women, how could I in good conscience minimize that by doing what I wanted to do? I couldn't and I'm so glad I haven't. We have found other activities to do together such as hiking and biking and I'm a happy gal.

One thing that has surprised me is how often married women openly lust after other men. This is not living a chaste life within marriage. It is as though a woman is saying to her husband, "Look. I know I said I was committed to you until the day I die, but hey...I'm still human! I can still appreciate some of God's finest pieces of workmanship when I'm at the gym. No big deal!"

Well, not exactly.

How many times have we given in to temptation? And what proceeds temptation? It's not like I plan on eating half a box of cookies. First, I may see an ad for the cookies. I look at the page, lingering on the luscious images, almost tasting the cookie as I look. Then, I may swing by the grocery store to pick up a few items for dinner. As I pass the aisle for cookies, again I think of the ad. The aisle beckons, telling me I deserve a treat because after all, I'm worth it. (Ugh. I loathe this phrase. That will be for another entry someday...)

How many days have I ended up with a box of cookies because that advertisement won?

I liken it to lust. When a married woman doesn't understand what chastity within marriage means, she can easily be led down the path of temptation until she's in bed with some slimeball who has no qualms about sleeping with a married woman. She has in minutes destroyed something precious, something God intended to be an intimate connection and a reflection of His fidelity to us.

So even when you marry, you must realize boundaries need to be set. And boundaries will always be tested because that's just the way it is. God allows us to be tested to purify us, but He is quick to answer our cries for assistance.

I may write more about this in the future. I realize that I made many of these decisions long before I married. I asked God to give me a man who would appreciate these choices and He answered with a resounding yes. I cherish my husband and thank God for him daily. I think the more we appreciate our loved ones, the more love God gives to us for them. I think that is just wondrous.