when there's no need for words ;

Saturday, November 22, 2008

loved;

i think i like to know i've been thought of. doesn't everyone?

yes you big dweeb this IS to you; i know you still come here. did my words fall on deaf ears (again)? ==

like, idk, maybe i'm complacent or something, but remember the two backstreet boys concert tickets you won in sec one or two? somehow it never really occured to me you'd ask anyone else. although haha i know you prolly would have taken someone more enthu on hindsight. sorry haha i know i should have done my research on the songs and all first? HAHA.

guess it's something that makes us all feel secure, to some extent. like knowing that for project works you'll always do with this particular other person; like it's a taken for granted thing. i know it's bad to take someone for granted but it feels damn nice.

and like, this genting thing, it's nice to know that other people think about and like you enough to want to include you in their plans. keywords: think, like, enough, want.
even if i can't go, i know that hey, you wanted me to go (you do right? -narrows eyes-) and that makes all the difference. if you didn't even tell me about it in the first place, even if i can't make it, idk, just hurts.

i wonder if this applies to just me or to people in general. maybe the latter; who doesn't like to feel included?

so, yes, thank you. haha your invitation kinda made my day: it was the first msg i read when i got up and now haha i'm gonna feel :D for the rest of the day even if i can't make it. but i think i can.. just really, MAKE ME DO MATH >< force me. use zhenping to guilttrip me. (i'm supposed to have finished studying by the time she's back. i have, sort of, but i'm not confident of doing well)

yeah man thanks.

oh and today's nathaniel's birthday HAHAHA. <3

deborah;
1:19 PM

to grieve:

they say there are five stages in grieving:
denial and isolation - okay the denial didn't last very long. isolation...hmm. i'm still a bit stuck here i think.

anger - uhm. i'm more or less done with this i think. until i moodswing and everything goes out of whack again.

bargaining - think i skipped this one; NA.

depression - uh... heh. i wonder sometimes, what despair feels like? is it this hollow feeling in your chest while it seems to tighten almost painfully? like your insides have vaporised, nothing left. and something big and hard and heavy is stuck in your throat and it's almost like it's hard to breathe, sometimes literally. and you feel like clawing out something, anything, just to get rid of this weird empty feeling inside you.
hmm.

acceptance - nope not quite there yet.

--

haha. that said i think i'm feeling a lot better(: still kind of full of doubts but when i don't think about it, when i'm quite distracted, hey, i'm fine. i conclude i should not be left alone: hazardous. haha.

oh man tuition's in 40 min and daddy hasn't come back with KFC yet? D:

deborah;
1:11 PM

Friday, November 21, 2008

just pretend.

don't make me promises you can't keep.
with some people, it's best to have absolutely no expectations at all.

and so i smile and nod and lie in your face.

sometimes i wonder if it were better if i never knew you at all.

..perhaps.

deborah;
5:01 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

lyrics

longlonglooooong post cos lj is down ==

and i will run to You
to Your words of truth
not by might, not by power;
but by the spirit of God
yes i will run the race
till i see Your face
let me live in the glory of Your grace
-

in the quiet, in the stillness
i know that You are God
in the secret of Your presence
i know there i am restored

when You call i won't refuse
each new day again i'll choose

there is no one else for me;
none but Jesus
crucified to set me free
now i live to bring You praise

in the chaos, in confusion
i know You're sovereign still
in the moments of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

when You call i won't delay
it's my song for all my days

all my delight is in You Lord
all of my hope, all of my strength
all my delight is in You Lord, forever more
-

deborah;
12:17 AM

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

please go away :)

hello zee, go away. i mean this in the nicest way possible. :)

"it's not the end of the world."
mm, yeah, i guess. i think i need to stop pms-ing. in a week or two, everything will miraculously be fine and dandy. uhuh. sure.
i guess all along, i'd always known it'd come to this. i'd always known things like, if it things like that did happen, well nothing would change, because i'm not important enough. i'm not important enough to warrent tears, or frustration or hurt. i'm not. i guess part of me knew this all along. doesn't stop it from hurting, though. doesn't.
and in the end we all go full circle - back to what we were once before. wonder if i'll look back one day and wonder if all these really happened. and then i'll laugh at myself for getting so upset, because it really isn't the end of the world. feels shitty enough though, hah.

funny how many bubbles this has popped. all that jazz about backpacking and whatnot, well. hope you find someone to go with, have fun. :)

sometimes i think it's a bad thing if you let someone get under your skin, if you care too much.

-

the feeling of the cool thin point of metal against warm skin is... something i've never felt before. or at least i don't remember what it feels like anymore, hah. and then you draw across it. it's really cold, the metal. makes you want to press it closer.

deborah;
11:13 PM

goodbye kitty

ooh i just realised the last time i wore that shirt before yesterday was on 2jul07, when i wore it to belle's house and got a veryveryveryveryveryvery pleasant surprise x)
<3

funny how i get surprises each time i wear it, just of different natures. hmm.

deborah;
7:11 PM

deaf.

do me a favour and tell me you never loved me.
it's so noisy now i can't hear myself think. oh look it just quietened down. :)

i shall try to remember what i was thinking about. oh this sucks. (noise level went UPUPUP again)

am i supposed to feel numb, upset, or relieved? i think it's a combination of all three. humans are rather adaptable i think. that, or i'm the master of deception. :) honestly, because i feel better now. dead weight somewhere but as long as it's not the whole of me i guess it's an improvement.

maybe it's for the better.

i think it'd sound terrible if i said i knew something like this would happen, so, this is.. a self-fulfilling prophecy? how sucky. (i really can't think ><) all the same i wouldn't have chosen to end this if i had the choice. i can't believe i just typed choir instead of choice. i think i'm going kuku. but i guess it helps that at least whatever shit i typed in gmail wasn't what ended it so i don't feel the guilt yeah. not as much of, anyway. mm maybe, i put too much into this. what's too much? oh well. they're saying i'm anorexic. but i'm not. i just don't feel like eating. oh and hah i think my kidneys are screwing up. and it feels great to be thinner than usual. no tummy; when i stand everything from ribs down is absolutely flat. it feels great. and since it's the only thing that does feel good now why should i deprive myself of it.

my automechanism seems to be functioning quite well. i am. relieved. least i'm not a tap now, gosh it was semi-embarrassing to have a stranger come up and ask if you're okay. but sweet haha.

the noise is killing me. can we sue or something if we go deaf?

i miss you, and i wish it didn't have to end at all.

deborah;
10:48 AM

deborah;

child of God
010792
~~gsp nygh~~
~~sixten-er one/twoniner~~ ~~threesixer~~
~~foursixer~~
nanyangchoir
altotwo

loves;

deborah loves God very much. she adores muffy, her giraffe, and parker, the teddy bear she wished were hers. she especially adores muffy's big nose.
deborah loves her besties ziyan, zhenping, annabelle, sheryl very much. (she is well aware one can only have one best friend and doesn't care.) deborah loves shopping and hanging out and rubbish-ing with aforementioned friends. deborah loves singing and just about any type of chocolate except white. she loves reading and writing and recommends fictionpress.
deborah likes dogs and cats and crotchets and quavers.
deborah has a fetish for nice hands.
deborah also likes green, red and brown and realizes this are the colours in autumn and yes, that is her favourite season (most of the time).
deborah likes adidas and loves her darling green iPod and handphone and music. she also likes disney (most of the time).
deborah also likes biology, although she's flunking it badly.
deborah also says HI:D and hopes you will tag. :)

wishlist;

adidas jacket (with hood! :D)
new shoes/sneakers/heels/slippers
new tops
~~Child of the Prophecy~~
~~Wolfskin by Juliet Marillier~~
~~wallet~~
pencilcase
bag

watch:
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
~~I Am Legend~~
~~POTC 3~~ (yes i know i'm slow)
~~Shrek 3 (ditto abv)~~
~~The Wedding Date (haha chick flick)~~ not worth watching

time.
grow-tall potion.