weeeeeee

this year, like most years, christmas with my family was awesome. i love them so much. we got a wii and it was one of the video game systems i actually like, but only if you play the interactive games like wii sports and wii play. sports has games like tennis and boxing where you use the controllers/remotes as sensors to actually hit the tennis ball/person you're boxing. i dont really like video games because i feel like they suck you in and you can get addicted pretty easily. one time i was with my cousin and his friends and we couldn't leave to get ice cream until they beat some level on some game. i was really annoyed that they could pause it so we could leave to see REAL people in the REAL world. my brothers are like this too and its frustrating.

i also got a new laptop for christmas which is sooo nice and im soo grateful. my other one basically died and this one is brand new. i am the only owner. and i love it.

tomorrow i hop on another airplane to visit my dad. i hope i have a better experience than last friday's.

invisible children

also, festival cinemas is letting us hold our benefit there!! we're meeting with them on Jan. 7 to present them a proposal! YES!

album leaf

I'M FINALLY IN HOUSTON!!!!!!! Here is some advice: don't ever, ever, EVER fly United Airlines. At least into Denver. So on Friday, my flight to Denver was delayed so I ended up missing my connecting flight to Houston and the last flight of the night to Houston as well. Thankfully I ended up sitting next to a brother and sister who go to BYU and were in the same boat as me so we stayed together. We asked one of the flight attendants on our flight what we should do and he was not helpful and he was a jerk so then we got mad. We got to Denver and had to wait in a line at the Customer Service Desk for like three hours. However, my new friend, Nick, offered to stay in line while me and his sister, Mandy, got something to eat. That was so nice. Anyway, United told us they didn't have any flights to Houston available til Monday and we would not stand for that. So they called Continental and they just happened to have three seats available on the next flight out. WE WERE SOO HAPPY. But we had to spend the night in the airport...which was soo hard because it was freezing and all we had was a blanket which basically was as thin as a sheet. So I don't think any of us slept. We ended up getting seats together, and slept on the plane, and then we got to Houston and they didn't have our luggage! So they told us they would deliver it within 24 hours, but most likely that afternoon, which they didn't, so I had to go and buy a bunch of stuff. I was sooo frustrated. Anyway, when I got home from church I had a message on my cell phone that told me they had delivered my bags and they were on the front porch. I AM SOOO SOO HAPPY.

And that is the beginning of my Christmas break.

Now that I am have my stuff I am going to be taking pictures of great Spring landmarks. Like the house that burnt down next door, Bimbo's bar,and my dog.

Okay so they aren't that great.

also, here is a question to think about

does it take faith to love or does it take love to have faith (in dealing with people, God, etc.)?

just a thought

something that i think i am blessed with is being able to see the good in people. however i can only do this if i have a good attitude about things. if im in a bad mood or have a bad attitude only the bad will stick out to me and it will take over my ability to see the good. also, i think that its hard to see the good in people if you dont want to. i think sometimes that happens when you're in a prideful mood and don't want to give up your pride even though you know its probably the best thing to do. so i guess that means i should have a good attitude most of the time, for more reasons than just seeing the good in people. but i think thats a pretty good reason.

this week feels weird. im going home on friday, i cant wait. but between now and then i have a lot to do. help!

p.s. i'm still a vegetarian. three and a half weeks strong.

killer tofu

tonight i made broccoli and tofu stir fry but i put to much terriakyi sauce and it would've been good but it was just too salty. but the tofu was okay.

juno

i want to see that movie. check it out.

tomorrow is ugly sweater day at work and i couldn't find one anywhere so i made my own. its pretty ugly. pictures to come.

both hands

don't be jealous but donny osmond walked right past me at the choir concert i went to tonight. im pretty sure we made eye contact. he seemed to be in a bad mood though. his son was in the choir. speaking of the concert, it was amazing. soooo stinkin good. and they did a lot of a capella stuff that was soooo good.

well here comes the big news for all of you faithful readers, im starting my mission papers! my availability date is may 1 so i turn in the papers february 1. im terrified but at the same time im at peace because i know its right. i just wish may 1 would come faster.

thanks

i just sent a postcard to a soldier and you can too:
http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home1280.html

shake your money maker

tonight was my work christmas party. it wasn't the funnest time in the world but me and my wonderful coworkers made it fun. it was held in the marriott so it was catered and the food was okay. other than that, i really have no news to report. except the internet here sucks.

cotton headed ninny muggins

tonight i watched elf, and it was good. i had a rather boring weekend. the only things i did were church, going shopping for break the fast and a service project. but i guess those are pretty okay things to do.

also, the only thing i want for christmas is a full body massage and a facial/day at a spa.

it snowed this weekend. im terrified of driving in it and avoid it at all costs. boo.

hi

im still here. and my computer is working!! at least for now...and i am soo happy. i really love it, a lot. and its so hard not having one. this weekend was so uneventful and relaxing its almost pathetic. lets just say i slept a lot. i guess thats a good thing.

this may seem like a random thought...but we never really know that people could be suffering deep down inside of themselves. its sad really. i think we should just try really hard to treat people with respect...at least with enough respect that when we find out something sad about them we won't end up feeling bad that we treated them poorly. we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we do have to be friendly. i get frustrated and feel bad when people are constantly made fun of...or are made fun of by people that don't even know them. whats the point of it? it just brings people down and makes them feel bad. im guilty of this, but im trying to do better. i just think its unfair to those people.

enough venting. it snowed--lets play.

inches and falling

there are some things i wish i could say to people that would make them want to return the feelings or understand where i am coming from. life is so complicated sometimes.

oh yah and

a friend told me that it seemed like the big decision talked about in sunday's blog was about vegetarianism....well its not. but i cannot disclose anything about this decision til december 10. so stay tuned.

its kind of late...but...

here is a pic of me in my halloween costume. unfortunately the "blocks" on the rubik's cube had seen better days by the time that picture was taken...

on a side note, my legs look really stumpy which is odd considering how tall i am...

vegetarianism day 4

i have been craving meat a little today, but not enough to make me want to eat it. tonight i attempted to make lentils but instead i left them cooking while at fhe and burnt them to a crisp. our apartment now smells like burning. sorry ashley.

i cant believe christmas is here. kind of. i just want it to snow and then life would be sooo good. i mean life isn't perfect by any means, but it sure is good. perspective really means everything.

bleh.

today i made a huge important decision and it kind of makes me want to throw up.

pay it forward

"......Here's the Pay It Forward Idea:I will send a handmade gift to the first three (3) people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. You may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days! The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog. (so, you must have a blog to participate.) I can't wait to see who I will be giving to. To join, just cut and paste this on your blog and comment away. So get posting......."

do it.

anyway, my computer is broken and my cousin, Jason, has been kind enough to let me use his until i figure out what is going on with mine.

this break has been fun and relaxing. on thanksgiving, i went to matt's house and hung out with him and his family. they're lovely. the food was so good. on friday i came home and slept and read all day. basically i didn't do anything productive besides cleaning my room and going running. last night i went up to west jordan and spent the night at matt's parents' house. today we went shopping and hung out with his family. theyre just so wonderful.

so ive been reading this book about food and im pretty sure i am going to be a vegetarian. well i am starting today actually. just reading about the benefits of doing so and also the conditions in the slaughterhouses have motivated me to do so. i also went to goveg.com and ordered my vegetarian starter kit.

im whitening my teeth and theyre super sensitive. it kills.

i love this season. and family.

time bends around me

my best friend from texas got home off her mission on saturday. i talked to her on the phone today. she sounds so good.

time has really flown. so many things have happened in the past 18 months, i feel like it has all been a whirlwind. and it has been bad and good. but im lucky enough that only the good sticks out to me. and that is one of the tender mercies of my life. im blessed with a good attitude. not that i have a good attitude all the time, but i am able to look back on my life and have a positive attitude about most things. its amazing.

c'mon

i think something i don't understand about myself is my inability to put my underwear on right side in. it must be inside out or backwards at least 3-4 times per week. i mean, really.

friends

i feel like i have somewhat of a lot of updating about the past two weekends. me and ashley went to st. george after i got home from work. the race was ok...i kind of sucked but at least i finished. then we went and saw the polygs down in colorado city. then we went to vegas. i had never really been there so it was interesting to say the least. very bright. but fun. then we came home the next day and relaxed at home. me and ash bonded a lot. it was cool.

friday night me and beth went to the cary brothers concert. it was so good and so fun. i freakin love her. then after that we went to the gateway, then arby's. that night was sooo awesome! saturday was my talk at stake conference. i think it went ok. then i went to the slow dance party which was okay.

sunday was stake conference again. i had breakfast with beth and then after that we had stake conference, and then i helped beth make rolls for a thanksgiving dinner we went to. that was fun too.

i love my friends so much.

also, i still haven't gotten around to starting my tender mercies journal. so here is the tender mercy of the day: i studied for my test after work and decided to go up to campus around 8:15 so i would have enough time to take the test. well around 745ish i decided i should just go up to campus. i got there and the line in the testing center was insane! i was in line for about 45 minutes. if i wouldn't have left early i wouldnt have had enough time to take my test.

love life.

ride

i had the funnest night tonight. all thanks to b chon. will blog more later!

own it

i really want to keep a tender mercies of the Lord journal but i keep forgetting about it. so here are some from today (in case i forget to physically write them down):

-my boss let me clock out early so i could finish doing some homework
-people shared their lunch w me today
-a girl in my class sharing her homemade study guide with everyone in the class, which saves me a lot of time
-a good friend inviting me to thanksgiving at her house when i was feeling slightly alone

in a little more depressing news, my grandma died one year ago today. surprisingly im not as sad as i could be. a couple of weekends ago i was having a really hard time and i missed her a lot. but a lot of good has happened in the past year, and i know she has been with me through all of it. she is in a better place now, released from all of her pain and afflictions and i know she is waiting for us to be together again. and so am i.

keep breathing

i feel like cleaning out everything. cleaning out my life. i think its because i have so much to do this week and i am feeling a bit stressed. when i feel like i can't control things all i want to do is blow tons of money and rearrange my room. its kind of hard to describe how i feel.

im going to try to blog more often. sometimes i dont feel like it. but sometimes i just want to write all the time.

i feel like this semester has been really weird. different from any other semester.

right now im angry at a lot of things i cant control. im trying to release this anger and release my grip on these feelings. its hard. but i am trying.

the scent of lime

my new favorite band is the long winters. check em out.

no news is good news...or something

so i haven't written in a while, mainly because i have nothing exciting to write about. my life is boring, and by boring i guess i mean my life is good because it is uneventful. uneventful is sometimes good when my life is as unlucky/ironic as it is.

i was a rubik's cube for halloween. i made it out of a square cardboard box, black spray paint, colored paper, and velcro. imagine it if you can. it was interactive.

this weekend i am going to st. george to run in the butch cassidy 10k. im kind of nervous but i have my strategy all planned out.

woot.

no bueno

i decided not to go to disneyland. it turned out not to be disneyland in the first place, but rather california adventure. the whole reason i wanted to go to disneyland is bc i have never been there before! plus the fires are out of control and basically i just didnt want to go because once i looked at the itinerary it looked really lame. but im still taking the time off so im just gonna study. i get paid vacation, so i guess getting paid to study is pretty cool.

love it

back

dont worry faithful readers, im still here. i just haven't really felt like updating. my apologies.

my thoughts:

i have had two posts about dogs in the past month. i think im obsessed.
i freakin love my grandpa and old people in general.
i love this weather!
i love halloween too.
and b chon.
and also cheesey popcorn.

last night i hopped on my longboard and rode for a long time. this was after a hiatus of about 3 months due to my awful fall at the end of july. it was awesome!

los perros

i really really love dogs. so much that its almost sickening. not to the point that i wear clothing w dogs plastered on it or anything like that. but almost.

also

today at work i was looking for a picture of baby jessica, the baby that fell into the well and was rescued.

instead of this:

this came up:

in texas we call it mod podge

things ive been thinking while looking at pictures on facebook:

*no one really cares to see that many pictures of you jumping
*if your jaw wasn't that big you might be pretty

i think im going to stop while im ahead because i sound like a beeotch.

i have another secret to send to postsecret, its going to be amazing.

tonight had dinner with matt. it was so nice to be with a good friend. we talked and laughed and laughed and talked. it was so fun. then we did arts and crafts at the boys and girls club til midnight. i loved it.

our apartment got "boo-ed" tonight. its like doorbell ditching but you get treats and then you have to pass it on. well we got boo-ed twice today, once in the morning and once at night, because once you get boo-ed you're supposed to put a picture of a ghost on your door so people know not to pass it on to you. well we didn't. so we got a lot of treats and delicious goodness. we are working the system, though not entirely by choice.

september reflections

i kind of miss september. here's why:

mouthwash

last night i went to an amazing concert for bishop allen and john vanderslice. it was in provo, so it was in a smaller venue. but i just love the concert ambience.

we got there early to get our tickets. the owner of velour came out and told us he would only sell tickets to us so we got them and then walked around downtown provo. while we were waiting outside velour, john vanderslice walked out and started talking to us and asked us good places to eat. we gave him some suggestions and he said thanks and went on his way. we walked around for a bit and then waited in line and then were let in.

bishop allen played an amazing show and we were right up front. when john vanderslice came on set he talked to the five of us and told us that he would play a song for us after the show. so he played, it was amazing of course. in the middle of the show he goes "this is what we're going to do tonight, after the last song we're gonna have a dance party and then we're gonna go get gelato". and everyone was like woooooooot! so on the last song he and his band went out into the middle of the audience and everyone made a circle around him and it got dead silent and he just sang. we hopped on stage and watched and then we all sang with him and it was incredible. as soon as he played the last note the hip-hop music blasted on, the disco ball illuminated and the strobes flashed. and everyone started dancing. it was so cool. so then we waited around for a bit and most everyone left. then he took my group out and people followed us and he played a song for us outside velour on the sidewalk. it was sooooo cool! then we just started walking to the gelato shop a couple blocks away and he was playing and singing and there was so much energy. we all got gelato, he sat and talked for a bit and then most people stayed at the gelato shop but we walked with him back. it was probably one of the best shows ive ever been to.

honestly i had never heard of either of the musicians before but i can honestly say i may become john vanderslice's biggest fan. he was sooo amazing, humble, down to earth. i loved it.

make my day

on facebook i added the honesty box (application where people can post anonymous things about you) and someone posted this:

"Drizzle, you're stunning. Simply amazing! Wish more people out there were genuine like you are. Thanks."

whoever wrote that: thank you for making my day.

still here

im having a hard time staying motivated in training for the 1ok im doing in less than a month. i get bored, which is weird because i love to run.

last night i went to such a cool event to inform the community about the tragedy occuring in burma. basically it was amazing.

im watching grey's anatomy season 3. it reminds me of my grandma. i used to go visit her thursday nights. she was really cognitively unaware of her surroundings at that time, and she knew i was there but didnt really talk to me. so i just laid with her in her bed and watched tv. grey's anatomy came on everytime i was there. so watching half of the third season reminds me of her. i miss her.

current events

lets help the people of burma! write a letter to your congressman expressing your concern. DO something! for more ideas, knowledge, encouragement...go here:

www.uscampaignforburma.org

postsecret

when i was brushing my teeth i thought of a postsecret to send in. so i made the postcard and everything. its going in the mail tonight. how cool would that be if it gets posted?

the internet goes super fast late at night.

carousel

i had an awesome weekend. i took friday off to study for a test. i studied for about 6 hours and i think i aced the test. it wasn't on a scantron so i won't find out til wednesday. that night i hung out w my new friend qjh and my old friend b-chon. we just talked and laughed all night. it was so fun.

saturday morning me and beth went to conference and got breakfast and talked and i loved it. on the way home we stopped at ikea and shopped and had lunch. we listened to conference on the way back. when we got home we went our seperate ways and finished watching it. then i relaxed, tye-dyed a shirt, and went running. later i picked up b-chon and we got some delicious fried chicken and watched garden state and knitted. yesterday was a good day.

today i woke up, watched morning conference, slept, and watched afternoon conference. b-chon came over and we finished our kfc and talked for hours. then i cleaned my room and talked to my mom. this weekend was just relaxing. fun. if i said thrilling, you probably wouldn't understand. but actually, it was.

zzzzzzZZzzzz...

i have been so tired all day and yet now, at 1:17 in the am, i cannot make myself get in bed. perhaps by the end of this little survey, my bed will be calling my name...

Hi, my name is:
drea

When I'm nervous:
i get really fidgety, can't breathe

The last song I listened to:
the moment i said it

By this time next year:
i'll be going to school, still

I have a hard time understanding:
people's actions

In the morning I:
can't get out of bed

Last night :
i was so tired

My heart is:
recovering

Do you smoke weed?
no

Have you kissed somebody in the last 2 weeks?
no

Who are the last people that came to your house?
prob ty-ty

Is there someone you want to fight?
no

Song playing?
closing in

Do you have a best friend?:
several

Who did you get this from?
amanda

How much money did you make today?
hourly wage x 8 hours

Have you ever tripped going up steps?:
broke my toe doing so

Are you tired?
not at all

Does anyone in life know the real you?
i would like to think so

The person you like is older or younger?
they're usually older

What color is your shirt?
blue

Are you a predator?
no

Do you like anyone?
not really

When people get depressed are you the one they turn to?
maybe for advice

How long does it take you to get ready?
30 mins or less

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
today, everyday

Last movies you watched?
the prince and me

Do you wish at 11:11?
no

Do you wear contacts or glasses?
perfect vision

Next vacation you're going on?
disneyland

What was the last rumor you heard about yourself?
no idea

Happy?
mostly

Who is the last person you hugged?
matt

The last place you went out to?
campus

Who/What made you angry today?
myself

Do you sing in the shower?
no

Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
yes, but not recently

Do you find yourself loved?
i believe so

Has anyone you were close to you passed away recently?
in the past year, yes

Whats orange, near you?
purse straps

What is your natural hair color?
bronde

Where was your default picture taken?
provo

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
i can't

How many kids do you want to have?
lots

Do you believe in second chances?
i do

Are you one to hold grudges?
usually for a bit, then i tend to forget, most of the time

woof

i love dogs. i really want to get one. or a cat. but there are not pets allowed in byu housing, which stinks. i miss eddie the dog. im going to go visit him soon.

reflection

me and beth had this conversation today, and instead of trying to sum it up, here it is:

talking about matt...

Beth: yeah
he's funny though
me: but him and robbie are really good at making you feel good about yourself
and if you are someone he considers your best friend he will do anything for you and will protect you
Beth: no, matt seems like a really good guy
i'm really glad you became such good friends with them over the summer
me: me too. i needed them. esp considering the joey/jeff/whitney situation. i always talking about summers being time for me to gain my independence, but this summer i think i did. and i also grew spiritually, something else that has never happened during the summer
Beth: i know. you seemed so happy this summer. i'm so glad you stayed (as much as i wanted you to come to DC) b/c i think you benefited so much more by being here
me: i did benefit alot, it is amazing. i was really bummed at the beginning of the summer bc i felt really alone; you were gone, amy moved back to texas, and casey and i werent on speaking terms
then i started hanging out w matt and them, and also was good friends w dan standage
Beth: i think that just shows that the lord has a plan for us. your trial turned out to be something amazing for you
me: yah its so true
but ive come to the realization that my life just wasnt meant to be easy, but im used to it now
Beth: i think the lord knows that that's how you grow...through trials
me: yah, sometimes its so hard though, sometimes i cant help but just asking for a break or something. sometimes it feels like one thing after another, but most of the time i just have to laugh
and i think of all the crappy things that have happened to me and still how ive turned out
things could be a lot worse
Beth: you're so positive. that's just wonderful
me: dont get me wrong, its not positive all the time. part of it is just bc im used to having things happen to me that most people just consider bad luck. that stuff just happens to me
Beth: but i think it's good that you can still enjoy life even though you've been through quite a bit and know more is in store for you
me: sometimes its scary though, i try not to think about what could be in store bc of everything that has happened so far, sometimes i dont even want to know what will happen next
sometimes i just have to live one day at a time
Beth: it's true
but the lord will only give us stuff that he knows we can handle if we turn to him
me: i know but when youre going through it, even with the lord's help, it feels like its the hardest hting in the world
Beth: no, definitely. i just know there's always hope
me: how comforting to know there is hope
Beth: sometimes i think that's the only thing that keeps me going - just knowing that it'll be over eventually and i'll get through it
me: oh gosh i know, imagine not even having that little speck of hope

that was the end of that. it was a good conversation.

also

Sonnet 148

O me! what eyes hath love put in my head,
Which have no correspondence with true sight!
Or, if they have, where is my judgment fled,
That censures falsely what they see aright?
If that be fair whereon my false eyes dote,
What means the world to say it is not so?
If it be not, then love doth well denote
Love's eye is not so true as all men's: no,
How can it? O how can love's eye be true,
That is so vexed with watching and with tears?
No marvel then, though I mistake my view;
The sun itself sees not till heaven clears.
O cunning love! With tears thou keep'st me blind,
Lest eyes well seeing thy foul faults should find.


they read that sonnet by Shakespeare in the movie "The Prince and Me". although that movie is really cheesy, i like this sonnet.

oh bla di oh bla da

i hung out w b-chon alot this weekend and it was wonderful. my car is out of the shop and im so glad to have it back. i seriously love my car so much and it was so hard that it was gone.

the next month or so is going to be amazing. here is the break down:

oct 6: conference!
oct 13: sky diving!
oct 20: break!
oct 27: california!
nov 3: 10k in So. Utah!

i'm so stinkin excited! i love having plans. i also love road trips and oct 27 and nov 3 involve road trips. that is so exciting.

i think everything is going to be okay.

p.s.

that was a crappy thing to do.

i think ill be alright

i dont think i expected everything to be the same. i think maybe i secretly knew things would change, people would get busier, time would go faster. but although i knew it deep down, i dont think i really believed it. or at least i refused to admit that i knew it.

i tend to say my life is good before things end up going south. the things that go south for me aren't physical things. im okay with losing my keys or getting in a wreck or something to that affect. maybe its because the things most people consider bad luck are everyday things for me. i cant quite be sure. when things go south for me its usually emotionally. which i guess can be a good or bad thing. im not quite sure yet.

the reason why i say that is because today i just felt sad. im just having a really hard time (at least today, who is to say tomorrow won't be better?) and i cried for the first time in a long time.
to be honest ive gotten my feelings hurt a lot since the beginning of the semester. no matter what kind of front i tend to put up, the truth is i am a very sensitive person, and wear my heart on my sleeve (though i like to think cleverly hidden). so no matter how much i hide my sadness and hurt-ness, it eventually comes out. and today was that day. in a earlier post i said that my soul fills up and all my emotions mix together and seap out my eyes in the form of tears. though i like to think that is really creative for me to describe in that way, that really is how it feels for me. everything swells up and i am left with tears that wont stop. sometimes i with they would though.

rough around the edges

this is what i had for dinner: cheetos, a cheese stick, some cool whip. i decided that i want to eat all of the food i have before i go grocery shopping again. i think the outcome will be kind of gross but i have a lot of food i dont eat so i think i should eat it and then learn to not ever buy it again.

i found my keys, but only after paying $127.80 to get one made because at that point in time i thought i would never find them. in other car news, its going into the shop tomorrow to get a new hood, headlights, and lots of other cool stuff. im excited!!

me and ash bar were talkin tonight and we have both come to the conclusion that we wouldn't trade our lives for anything. we've both had some hard times and of course some good times and we both recognize that without those experiences we definately wouldn't be who we are today. i have to say i love my life, even after everything. at the end of the day im glad i am who i am. sometimes things really do suck. and sometimes i think its okay for things to suck. not everything can be 100% perfect all the time. but i think recognizing that things will get better and that sometimes things happen for a reason can be reasons for why life can be hard. ash bar put it best when she said that were rough around the edges. but i think a little roughness here and there does you good.

the hills

another saturday night with the hills. this time we watched all of season 2. this weekend was fun. i felt like it was productive and relaxing at the same time. i got a lot of stuff done for my calling and i read a lot for school. i still feel like i'm somewhat behind, which is crazy considering the amount of studying i do.

i love seeing people unite for a good cause. there were tons of people at the diabetes thing and it was so good to be with good friends that i hadnt hung out w for a while.

i went to the homecoming game which was amazing. it couldve quite possibly been my last home game and that is kind of weird. its weird being a senior.

i have lost lots of things this weekend. namely my car keys and my byu id. so now i am having new ones made. im broke.

-------

i wrote this during class when i was trying to pay attention but this was flooding my thoughts
note: this doesnt particularly have to do with me...but i can relate to some of it

how can you say everything is okay
and how can you act like nothing ever happened
and how can you be okay with the fact that i'm
heartbroken
mystified even
because for a moment i was happy
and we had plans
and how can those plans change so quickly
and so suddenly
and without explanation.
and how can you act like you don't care, you don't know,
you don't attach yourself to any reason
or fact
or detail of hurt
and how can you stand there and look me in the eyes
and not say anything and know how im feeling and not be sorry.
and how can you walk away feeling justified like you've won,
won some unspoken war of words, of souls,
and the prize is the satisfacion that you ended it.
you ended it here. here where it all started. where it started happily, where plans were made and mapped and routed.
and how could you have made those plans if you knew from the beginning that you would leave.
and how did you know you would leave
and how can you feel good about leaving and knowing it would hurt from the start.
and how could you have gone into this
expecting to leave and not let me know.
how could you have gone into this knowing it would eventually end in hurt,
hurt of one person, or the other, or both.
and how could you know that person would be me
and still go into this and start and end it and feel okay.
and how could you tell me you love me and make me sincerely believe it when you dont believe it yourself
and how can you feel good about yourself
after all of this.

a good one

I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle victorious. Vince Lombardi

tell me

how can everything go from completely fine, everythings normal, happy, etc. to no feeling at all and how can friends be friends then go to nothing. no talking. no communication. no anything. and how can it feel like im the only one that cares and that life goes on and how for a second i wish it would all just slow down and we can savor the time we all spent together and realize that maybe things really wont be the same. and how can things go from calm to whirlwind without you even noticing it until youre stuck spinning and wondering how you got into the whirlwind in the first place?

i do what i want

im at the library, getting ready to study. bleh im super stressed. my life is going pretty well right now, i think sometimes stress is good because it makes me have really good time management. i just wish i would've actually studied more and played less this weekend. oh well, you take some you lose some.

i really really love the band "a fine frenzy". im totally on this girl power music kick and i love it. they speak to me! they move me! they know what they're talking about! and its just not all angry bitter songs either. they just write about their lives, and i feel like i can relate a lot of the time.

i wish i had someone to go to the library with. although i think that if i didnt go by myself i probably wouldnt get a whole lot done. but still. its just nice to be with people.

i. must. study.

d-d-d-drea

Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

What is your name?
drea

Famous Artist/Band/Musician:
dropkick murphy's

4 letter word:
drip

Vehicle:
durango

City:
denver

Boy Name:
drew

Girl Name:
daniella

Drink:
dew...as in mountain dew

Occupation:
driver...as in truck driver. or doctor.

Something you wear:
doo-rag

Food:
dried fruit

Something found in a kitchen:
drawers

Reason for Being Late:
dang dog

Something You Shout:
dude!

flowers mean im sorry, chocolates mean i love you

confession: i really want to see becoming jane
confession: i watched most of season 1 of the hills tonight
confession: i didn't do any homework tonight. yikes!
confession: i can't stop baking
confession: i rode my bike to smith's today to buy the seventeen magazine with lauren conrad's face on the cover
confession: i bought the book he's just not that into you
confession: i want to quit school already

maybe i wouldve been something youd be good at

i took this picture last summer when i was in london. today i was feeling like i just need to get out and take a breath of fresh air and i was looking at air fares to europe, or anywhere. i know i cant go just yet, so for now all i have are pictures and memories and dreams.

just a thought

so i really used to like to google my name, but they deleted my one claim to fame on google which was a race that i ran in a few years back. i got 8th place in a 5k fun run, which i was really proud of. but now the results are gone and my 15 min of fame are over.

updog

i love the fact that i have a black streak in my bangs and black underneath the back part of my hair. when i walk on campus i can often feel eyes staring at my hair because it is sometimes "different" then the norm at byu. and i love it. its funny how much a little hair color can make you feel so...good.

im really trying hard to stay on track with school, and even though it has only been like two week, it is really hard. i really like my social theory class, my professor is such a good teacher. i really think i was meant for this major, and maybe even this class. i really like philosophy and i really like to think about it and form opinions and what not.

i love the people i work with, i dont know what i would do without them. they make my boring job soooo fun.

missed opportunities and i dont cares

i think im in love with shopping online. tonight i went to the mall (after class) and returned some stuff and i just didnt want to be there. id rather be perusing the net.

change. what is it with change? why do things have to change? sometimes its so frustrating and the only thing you can do is move on. but sometimes moving on really sucks.

i cant wait for fall and the leaves to change color and sitting in my room with the heater on and wearing long sleeved shirts and running in tights and going on drives in the canyon and sipping hot cocoa while watching a movie and sitting under a warm blanket and the smell of pumpkin and cinnamon and thanksgiving and family and service and gifts and yummy soups and orange and brown and boots and the smell of a heater being used after not being used for a long time.

i really really love the movie garden state. i have the edited version and i love it because it makes their love seem so innocent, no sex is involved or implied and that makes it so blissfully pleasing and more realistic to me since sex is not something i will be participating in for a while. i made one of my coworkers watch it with me and she was so bored with it and i was sad. i am just so moved by it.

new template for a new season.

peace.

frustration

i went to the library tonight and was there for an hour and a half. i got about 9 pages read. all i could think about were the tamales waiting for me at home in my fridge. they're authentic, i bought them from a guy in the walmart parking lot.

im sick of all the psuedo-ness in my life.

things i like

send my love to the dance floor

so im a member of this thing call mypoints, where you try out new products and stuff and earn points and build up the points to get gift cards. so at the beginning of the summer there was this one thing i had to sign up for which was like some baby magazine. so i signed my cousin up for it instead of myself and totally forgot about it til wednesday night when i was talking to her on the phone and she was telling me how she keeps getting parenting books and diapers and baby formula in the mail and she has no idea why. i told her it was me. so now im on the look out for diapers and baby formula as well.



i am currently sitting on the fourth floor of the hbll looking at squaw peak through the window next to my cubicle. i wish i was outside running, or hiking, or playing tennis, or something else active and fun. instead i am reading and writing and quizzing. i have a feeling me and the good old library are going to become the best of friends this semester.



beth is back in town and i am loving it.



today i signed up for a 10k down in southern utah in november. sometimes i think im crazy.



schooolllzzz


wish i was here:

so long sweet summer

school started yesterday. i'm taking 9 credit hours and working 40 hours a week. blah. however i think, or at least i hope, i will come through with good time management. there really is no option though. its either good time management or death.

finally, after months of postponing, i hiked mt. timp. me and kylee did it and it was amazing. i would do it again in a heart beat.

im tired. life is good. things are turning around. ive been talking to my mom a lot lately. she has a really positive attitude about her life, even though things usually go wrong all the time. me and her are a lot a like in a lot of ways. i used to think we were really different and it was often hard for us to get along. but i can learn so much from her example and its amazing.

i like this quote:

What do you do? You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry, but in between, I laugh. And I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good. --sam, from garden state

its so true. i think its good to sad every once in a while. i was having a hard end of summer, i seemed to be a leaky faucet. but i think thats okay. we cant always be so happy all the time bc life would be so dull. we were meant to feel and there are so many amazing emotions, both good and bad. i dont think we should be sad all the time either, but rather, i think we should recognize the difference and how each emotion feels. then, in the future, when things happen, we can look back and see how we reacted to certain situations and really, truly know how to deal.

maybe im too dramatic

sometimes i feel like i have a lot of baggage. like, who would want me with the amount of baggage i am carrying around? i dont really have these thoughts a lot, but i feel like sometimes my life is very high drama.

on that note, my mouth is something that gets me in trouble a lot. i think its because i have "a back bone" as my aunt puts it. i dont think i can sit back and watch people be hurt, or yelled at, or put down, or something. its just something ive realized.

this week better be good. school is starting soon, and i will be dismissed from summer and released into slavedom. save me.

stolen

i was reading from an acquaintance's blog. shes beautiful, in more than one way. she wrote this and i love it:

"my two fists together are quite small. my brain is that small. my solo fist is even smaller still, my heart doesn't have much room.

"but the thing about hearts is they don't control our capacity to feel. once you've felt so much, it's possible to feel so much more. it's not our hearts that feel, it's our souls. and there's no way to determine how much a soul can hold.

"of all the bad and all the good that has happened to me, all the love i've received and given. and lost. my soul must be running close to having no more space. and yet."

i feel like this so much of the time but its so hard for me to put what i feel into words. for whatever reason; i just dont think im eloquent enough.

sometimes it feels like my soul is at its capacity; sometimes it feels like it will all reach the brim and start to flood. and then sometimes it does flood. sometimes there is no way to stop this flooding and all the emotions ive ever felt mix together and seep out my eyes in the form of tears. and then these drops dry out and my soul is once again ready to handle more. ready to handle the flood and the tears and the emotion all over again. sometimes resilience and endurance and strength feels like a curse. sometimes i just dont want to be able to feel it at all; sometimes i just want to be numb and not have to worry about the flooding of my soul.

i love diet root beer

i have had cravings for a lot of sugary shnacks lately.
i realized this week that who ever i marry will have to be okay with letting people stay at our house.
i graduate next august. thats weird.
i love reality tv.
i love the fall.
school starts in a little more than a week!
went running today, kicked my butt. but the trail i ran on was amazing.
spend the night with jodi last night, i love her and worry about her.
life is good.
even if my luck sucks.

just my luck

yesterday i got locked in the lobby between the outside door and the door that leads back to my office. it was after hours and it was terrifying because i thought i was going to have to be stuck there all night and i was going to have to be stuck there and sleep there. i found a way out but ended up setting off a silent alarm. so the police came. it was kind of traumatic.

today when i was at work i was popping popcorn and it ended up catching on fire and made the whole building smoky. two days in a row i did something dumb!

i helped matt clean his old apartment today. it was fun.

two weeks til school starts. bleh.

couch potato

tonight i went to my mom's parents house to help them with their computer. afterwards we had dinner. it was really nice. ever since i was little i have felt like somewhat of an outcast. i felt like i wasn't accepted and somewhat of an outcast because of my family situation. but tonight, my grandparents gave me some validation. i finally feel accepted, and it feels good.

i am healed. after three weeks of oozing and blistering and scabbing, my longboarding wounds are healed. the scars will be there forever, but so will the memories.

2 weeks still school starts.
i love sleeping on the couch.
i love falling asleep to the tv. it makes me feel less lonely.
i love my job.
i love my roommate, ashley.
i love my bffs.
i love my life. even if it is kinda sucky at times.

housewife mania

today i made salsa. and it was the first time i made it the way i did and it was good. and i was surprised. ive just been feeling so domestic. i cant stop cleaning, and i want to cook and/or bake all the time. its weird because its not really like me.

school starts soon. bleh. im excited to start classes and stuff but im going to be so busy. im working full time and going to school full time and then just a bunch of other activities.

this weekend was good. somewhat uneventful, but good. i love my boys.

hold on

i was sad yesterday. but i was also happy. i think its okay to be both sometimes. today was more happiness than sadness. things are improving, or at least the way i think is.

left behind

being left behind is something im terrified of. and not in the non-denominational christian kind of way. the kind of way that my present friends will make new friends and forget me.

our girl

tonight i was driving home from somewhere w my friend jae and i told him that there should be a tv show about our lives. he laughed and said i should do it. i told him he needed to think of a title first. he said we should call it "my boys". i told him that there was already a show called that and he told me that he knew that but im like the main character of the show bc shes the only girl amongst a group of guy friends. then he said we should call it "our girl". and it made me feel good.

this week has been full of ups and downs. i feel like it has been a bad week but i guess life is really how you make it. but sometimes it just really sucks. yesterday i woke up and i was in a super bad mood. i was in a bad mood all day. it was probably the worst ive felt in a long time. usually im able to laugh things off or turn the bad into good, yadda yadda yadda. but this week, and especially yesterday (and a little bit today) there was sadness behind the laugh. pure, genuine, sadness. sadness because things are changing. because im attached to people and its hard to break myself of attachments. sadness because of disappointment. disappointment in myself, others, etc.

if there was one thing i could change about myself, it would be that i was less of an emotional person and more of a logical person. there are a lot of reasons for this, though if i were more of a logical person it would completely change who i am. my patriarchal blessing talks a lot about talents and ive been realizing lately that a lot of my talents are emotional ones. and its hard. i think one of my personal flaws is the dependence on other people. i tend to let other people's actions determine my own feelings too often than not, instead of allowing myself to choose how i feel. i had a roommate last semester who was so good at determining how she felt and not letting things bog her down. i really admire her for that.

also, i get really attached to people. not physically, but emotionally. to the point where i end up caring way more for people than they care for me. this especially sucks when i realize the lack of return of care. and this doesnt just have to do with romantic relationships, it has to do w every relationship ive ever had. and there are different levels and degrees of attachment too. i dont know where this attachment stems from. but at times i can tell that i am latching on to people. and this is when their actions start to affect my emotional state. its hard because i am a person with so much empathy for other people that it can be sickening sometimes. i dont always know what to do w these empathetic feelings and i think that sometimes thats when i can start to care more for the other person instead of putting the empathetic feelings into something that could really make a difference.

i think that although i may be funny and goofy and quirky and weird, when it comes down to it, i am way too complex to think about.

mind freak

im feeling lonely tonight. the loneliest ive felt in a long time. its not a good feeling and i dont really know what to do with it. i dont feel like going to sleep so i am lying on the couch watching criss angel mind freak eating cool whip straight out of the tub. i guess thats one way i can solve and/or mask this feeling. i guess.

today me and my old roommate becky had an arbitration hearing at byu regarding our deposits for the house we lived in in the fall/winter. our old manager didnt even show up but we still had to plead our case. we find out on friday what the outcome of our hearing is. hopefully it will be in our favor. i think we did a good job arguing our side.

all of my stuff is out of storage and it feels good. no more stuff to move, no more stuff to worry about.

change is coming.

criss angel is creepy.

here we go again

i feel like my blog is the comings and goings of my everyday life, unlike most people i know who tell stories or have something really funny to say. my life is my life, take it or leave it. i guess.

tonight i got sucked in watching hours of reality tv shows. secretly, i loved it. i love reality tv. i think its mostly because i end up living vicariously through various characters. i think sometimes they're nice to watch because most of the time their lives are messed up a whole lot more than mine is.

i really want to go on a trip. im sad my car is out of commission, at least for road trips, because im pretty sure that if it wasnt i would be half way on my way to california right now. after watching the hills and newport beach tonight, i decided i was born to live in california.

in other news, i cooked tonight. mexican theme. mexican rice (from scratch!) and a grilled chicken breast, seasoned w special spices, hot off the george foreman grill. delish. sometimes i amaze myself.

i think i failed to mention that i got a new fish last week. i named him voldemort. sunday morning before church i cleaned out his bowl and there was this nasty film on the top of the water and it smelt like someone had ripped a massive fart. i think voldemort might be sick.

also, my new shaving cream makes me smell like an old lady.

infection

due to the unfortunate longboarding mishap, i have been sleeping on the couch to make myself not sleep on my stomach and irritate my wounds. since doing this probably 10 out of the past 14 nights, i have been waking up around 4 am. at this time i either watchin tv or go sleep on the floor in my room until its time to get ready for work. this 4 am thing has been happening without fail and i am getting sick of it!

i have no other news to report besides the comings and goings of everyday life. i always like to say no news is good news but sometimes i also feel like when my life is boring it is like the calm before the storm. i really do still love my life, even the bad things, because as i said in a previous post, i am blessed w the ability to often make lemonade out of lemons. dont get me wrong i usually dont have this attitude until after going through a trial, but even so, im glad to have that perspective even if it takes me a while.

domestic

lately ive been feeling domestic. like, ive been really into cooking and cleaning. the cooking thing is pretty unusual for me because im not good at it and i get really frusturated with myself when i mess up so i just dont do it. but lately i want to cook and i want to do it all the time. hopefully soon i will be making something delicious!

my little brothers are in town and this week i have been hanging out with them. its been fun. its weird because theyre so big now. theyre not my "little" brothers. theyre huge!

dog, the bount hunter, has mini set of handcuffs for an earring. tizzite.

guilty pleasures #1

even though ive changed my life, there are some things that i could easily revert to. at times it can be really hard for me to resist these temptations. they aren't things the world would necessarily find bad, but they're things that probably aren't in line with Christ's teachings. however there are a few things that i like to call my guilty pleasures. they're things that probably aren't the best but i still get pleasure out of them, along w a teeny ounce of guilt. they're things that maybe someday i'll give up. but hey, as the procrastinator's motto goes, "why do today what you can do tomorrow?" so, for now, i'll stick to that creed and eliminate my guilty pleasures one by one.

1. sex and the city. in an early post i said that i had given up that wonderful t.v. show because it has a lot of dirty things in i that i probably shouldn't watch. i'm keeping it up, but believe me it has been hard.
2. glamour magazine. ok, ok, so this isn't that big of deal. but some things related to sex that are published in these magazines probably aren't the best things for one who is trying to stay clean should read. i do skip these articles, but the titles always seem to stick with me.
3. coffee. i haven't had a mocha chip frappucino from the nordstrom cafe in a long time. it has probably been about a year now. they're sooo delicious. but not in line with the teachings of the word of wisdom. so, no more coffee for me. but it wasn't easy.


well...there are a lot more, of course. but for the moment, this is put on hold...

p.s.

i hope youre happy.

why hello there

so its been a while. ive had a lot of things on my mind about posting. so this could be a long post. or it might not be. i dont know. my thoughts are kinda jumbled. i'm feeling slightly ansy and with no where to go, the only thing i felt i could do was rearrange my room. i don't have a lot of options because the desks are built into the wall so there are only a few ways my dresser and bed could face. anyway, so i did that tonight. it did take away some of the ansyness...i guess. the summer is coming to an end and i feel like ive accomplished nothing.

sometimes i feel like i have a really good attitude about my life. my life has definately not been easy, but somehow i usually only focus on the good. i tend to forget about the bad-- but sometimes its only momentarily. sometimes i get really angry. and i start asking the why me questions. like why things keep turning out the same way over and over again. and why does it seem like i just have the kind of life that was meant to be hard. and why do i seem to set myself up for situations that will eventually let me down. and then, by the grace of God, i snap out of it. i start laughing again. i forget about the bad for a while. im really blessed to have such a positive attitude and i think maybe i go through the angry stage to help me develop a better attitude. i dont really understand why alot of things happen to me but i am also blessed with the ability to look back on past experiences and pick out the lessons ive learned and the reasons why i experienced different things.

i guess the reason that has been on my mind is because it seems like the end of july was hard for me. i lost my focus and things happened to me that could've been prevented. this week i have been really emotional and i got a really awesome blessing that reminded me to keep my focus on more important things. im so grateful for that.

i can feel myself maturing. this year has been a big year for me. im still goofy and quirky, but i think i have been developing a more understanding, wiser side to myself. there is still a long way to go, of course, but im glad im being able to even acknowledge the path to wisdom.

found

places I've worked
1-Central Utah Clinic [currently]
2-Art City Nursing & Rehab.
3-BYU Bookstore
4-BYU Grounds Crew

movies I can watch over and over
1-Pride and Prejudice
2-Garden State
3-Mean Girls
4-Coach Carter

places I've lived
1-University Place, WA
2-Tacoma, WA
3-Spring, TX
4-Provo, UT

favorite tv shows
1-The Office [US]
2-The Girls Next Door
3- Arrested Development
4- Grey's Anatomy

places I've been
1-Mexico City, Mexico
2-Chorley, Lancastershire, England
3- Manhattan, New York City, New York
4- Los Angeles

favorite foods
1-mexican casserole
2-pizza
3-fruit
4-hamburgers

majors I've considered
1-Sport Medicine
2-Psychology
3-International Relations
4-Sociology

places I'd rather be
1-the beach
2-England
3-new york city
4-with you

why wednesday, july 25, could quite possibly be marked as the worst day of my life

on wednesday i got in a car wreck. i hit a parked car. my fault of course. and my first accident. my car is fixable, only $400 worth of damage (only). which sucks of course. but, thankfully, my parents have offered to fix it. i graciously accepted. needless to say, they will be receiving very good christmas present this year.

another reason why wednesday was a bad day is because i was cleaning my fish's bowl, leonard, and when transfering him from cup to bowl, i dropped him in the garbage disposal. i tried to rescue him but ended up ripping off his fin and the he got lodged under a blade. so the only option was to dispose of him. so i went in the other room while my roommate, ashley, flipped the switch. i covered my ears and screamed at the top of my lungs so i wouldn't be able to hear his screams.

other than that my life has been good. my parents and brothers are in town so ive been hanging out w them. the rest of my mom's extended family is in town too so ive been hanging out at my grandparent's house. i love playing night games with them! it has been really fun.

last night i saw the movie hairspray. it was so good. i loved it. two thumbs up.

its saturdayyyy....

these words must be said

dear _________,

this morning i woke up and i was over you. and it feels good. so release your grip on my heart, because as tight as you'll try to hold on, your fingers will cramp up, and one by one they will slip off. my heart has put up a shield and is waiting for you to realize that your endless attempts to sabotage my weaknesses will be thwarted. in the future you may come to resent me, but you must realize that you can only resent yourself for breaking my heart over and over. we've both changed, and we are no longer moving in the same direction. so, after months of hurt feelings, jumping stomachs, and false hopes, i am at last able to say, farewell.

love,
drea

if you wanted a song written about you all you had to do was ask, or, why my dating life is so confusing

confession: sometimes i feel like carrie bradshaw from sex and the city when i write my blog. another confession: i love sex and the city. but i have made it a personal goal to not watch it anymore. its pretty dirty and not something i should watch anymore. so, starting a couple weeks ago i decided to not watch it. at all. and its been really hard.

so you're probably wondering where in the h the title came from. well, like most twenty something girls living in provo, dealing with the male species, i'm just flabergasted by their way of thinking/lack of acting/obliviousness. i'm not going to go into too much as i don't exactly know who my readers are and where they come from. if i really was carrie bradshaw i probably wouldn't have to feel so censored, but considering my lack of connection with my audience, i figure i should keep this little shpeel short. but, why do guys have to be so stinkin confusing?! arrghh it is driving me crazy.

can i just say that i love my co workers? on friday we had like a 45 min therapy session about divorce. everyone is just so supportive of each other and i love it. its funny how first impressions can change and paradigms shift. im glad that they can. i know that i dont always have the best first impressions and im so glad that i can make second impressions and third impressions and fourth impressions that can show people who i really am.

i got a haircut. but i really really want my long hair back. so im just getting it trimmed everyone so often.

peace out.

muckadoo

today i was thinking, and, well, i really love my life.

its a simple question

Pretend your a 30-something female divorcee. Your car is in the shop for a general tune up and while you're at work they call to tell you that it's ready. Do you:

A. Wait til after work to pick it up, and ask one of your female co-workers to drop you off at the shop on their way home.
B. Ask one of your female co-workers to take you on your lunch break.
C. Ask a single, attractive male co-worker to take you, whenever he has time.
D. Ask a married, attractive male co-worker that is contracted by your company to take you while you're both on the clock.

What would you do?

happiness is having amazing friends

i seriously love laughing and smiling and being happy. even if things are bad, i cant help but laugh. what else can you do?

alpine court=no private rooms! im homeless!

there is one person in my life that i have so much to say to yet nothing to say at all. its driving me crazy! i really dont know what to do.

today was matt's bday. everyone loves him. as do i.

i love being sneaky.

here's to you, akk.

july 16th is the day of my beloved cousin's birth. i miss her so so so much and i can't wait until she comes to visit! on this night of the day of her birth, i am eating wheat thins and cheese whiz in memory of her. cheers.

when i go shopping with other people, i play a silent game w them that they may or may not be aware of. its called who can spend more but really spend less? does the title make sense? i try to be frugal when shopping; buying mostly generic if i can find it. when the person and i get up to the checkout, whoever spends less wins, whether they know it or not.

tonight britton and i gave the lesson at fhe. i was really nervous because i dont really do it very much. im not terrified of public speaking, i mean, getting up in front of people doesn't bother me. i just worry that what i have to say will be conveyed in a well thought out matter. needless to say, i was very pleased with the way things turned out tonight. i shared my conversion story, and it was silent in the room. you could've heard a pin drop. the spirit was so strong. i'm hoping that because of this i touched someone and they were able to feel Heavenly Father's love.

happiness is confusion??

this weekend was weird. i got a lot of stuff done, and then i didnt really get a lot of stuff done. basically i did the things i wanted to do. i guess thats okay.

tonight i went to dinner at my gpa and gma's. it was a mini family reunion. i talked w my cousins for a really long time. just talking about life, and the different things we've all experienced and how different yet similar all of our families are. i used to think my family was the only one that was screwed up. but hearing their stories made me feel like i wasn't alone. that sounds...kinda bad i guess. but it was comforting in a way. anyway, we're going to have a cousin weekend in august. its going to be amazing. its not going to be all the cousins though. just the 3 of the 4 of us that talked tonight.

august is going to be an awesome month. i have a lot of plans. i love plans, and if they change, well, thats ok.

happiness is a love letter

dear blog,

i am sorry that i have been neglecting you. there are things that i could be writing about, but i just don't have the urge to do it. don't worry, my life is still good. still enjoying the summer, just not enjoying writing as much. i'm sorry. hopefully sometime soon i will feel the need to blog more.

love,
d

put that money in my hand you owe me owe me owe me

im reading harry potters 4-6 before the 21st when the 7th book comes out. wish me luck.

i have recently discovered that i love saving money. it just feels so good. also, i can't believe how the summertime has flown by.

transformers tomorrow!!

open close open close open open open

summer is half way over. it feels weird. its not like im going to school in the fall so nothing will change for me but my friends will be more occupied. i still need to find out where im going to live in the fall. right now thats my number 1 priority.

so here is a recap of the past couple of days:
-bday surprise party at chuck e. cheese
-home w robbie for 4th of july festivities
-lots of naps(what else is new)
-eating out all the time
-warped tour

life is still good. weird, but good. sometimes i just dont know what else to think.

happiness is delicious chocolate

right nowim watching the movie coyote ugly and although its pretty trashy(its about bar dancing) i really love it. maybe its bc i love the idea of living new york city. or how some days i feel like just picking up and leaving and starting over. or the cute aussie that plays the main characters love interest. but i really think its because sometimes i just want to pack up my car and drive until it feels right to stop.

happiness is independence

independence in a lot of ways. independence in the way that i'm living in a free country, earning my own money, buying my own groceries, living in my own place. independence financially. independence from people; relying on myself to determine my feelings.

life is funny. but life is good.

will tell more later.

happiness is agency

i dont feel like posting today. see you tomorrow.

happiness is reflection

i'm 21 today. happy birthday to me.

sometimes i get in these moods where i feel like i just need to tell someone all of my dirty secrets. the ones that only i know. yes, there are a few of them. but then i realize that by doing this i may end up crossing the friendship line or in the end i could end up regretting how much i have disclosed to this person.

how is it that watermelon makes everything okay?

happiness is watching seinfeld

eddie the dog. sleepovers. macaroni grill. longboards. best friends. birthdays that seem to last all weekend. loving your job. grandpa. lots of money. naps. good friends. music. watermelon.

this weekend was somewhat uneventful yet very eventful. today doesn't feel like saturday. there is no name for today. last night i spend the night at jodi's. thursday was filled w slides and pizza and fun. naps everyday.

george costanza gets on my nerves.

happiness is a lunch break

svedish fish! yum!

happiness is a full checking account

went to an abs class tonight. it kicked my butt. the lady was crazy!
woke up late for work. oops.
played guitar hero. love it.
talked w friends, ate tons of watermelon, laughed a lot.
love life.

happiness is 50% off at saver's!!

happiness is also getting things done on your to do list.
and clean clothes.
and guitar hero.
and longboarding.
and grocery shopping.
and pay day.
and being in an elevator w a famous person. i cant say who, bc i would be breaking the law(privacy practice stuff), but ill just tell you that it was really cool....or awkward. or both. it happened today at work.
and keeping a fish living for more than a day.
and delicious food.
and best friends.
and summmmmmerrr!

happiness is a birthday surprise

tonight me and friends surprised dandage w a belated birthday surprise party. he loved it and i was glad.

this weekend was interesting but really fun. i love my friends.

our air conditioner is broken and i am roasting. they keep say theyre going to replace it but havent yet...its been 2 months!!

today i made a lot of good food. im proud/surprised that i didnt mess anything up. way to go me!

im getting up in 4 hours. wish me luck!!

happiness is swedish fish

camping was sooo fun. my fave part was lying under the stars and taking it all in. we also longboarded around the road by our campsite. the canyon was so beautiful. i love nature! there was no sight of a bear.

when we came back we sat around and then the five of us (me, matt, robbie, spence, bren) went down the canyon. i didnt fall this time. hallelujah!

then we went to walmart and best buy and chili's. now were just chillin and waiting to watch a movie. i loooove summerr!


p.s. go here http://byu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2115083&l=62183&id=17801629 for more pics

happiness is TGIF

broseph is being so kind as to let me use his tent and hiking backpack for the campingness going on tonight. im looking at it right now and feel rather silly as i dont exactly know how to use it. but im sure brendan will help me w that.

work went by sooo slow today. i think that is bc i took my lunch an hour early bc the girl i was going w was really hungry and i was her ride. i like to take my lunch in the middle of the day bc it splits up the day-- when i come back from the lunch the day is already half way over and i cant help but feel a little bit happy about that.

being a girl is really hard sometimes.

this week went by super fast. my birthday is in a little over a week. that is sooo crazzzy to me.

dag, yo.

happiness is a summer solstice(spelling?)

this evening i went w brendan to get him a longboard. he was like a kid in a candy shop.

tomorrow me, brendan, and robbie are going camping. i hope the plans dont fall through. i need a break.

today my boss fired someone for being too stupid. i didnt that was possible! there is a possibilty to be too stupid to know how to file?

sometimes i just want to leave here for a while, for a weekend or something. and just drive. and drive until i reach some podunk town where i feel like its safe enough for sleeping in my car at night and exploring the little known quirks to that quaint little town during the day.

sometimes the idea of a fresh start is really appealing to me.

happiness is watermelon

ashley, my lovely roommate, replaced my baked watermelon. what a delicious midnight shnack.

i just got done reading my scriptures. im feeling slightly overwhelmed w what i have just learned.

air conditioner is still broken. im roasting.

i love longboarding. and you.

let's hear it for sign language

today i woke up 10 mins before i had to be to work. i didnt shower after swimming so i felt like a giant walking pool today. and i smelt like one alllll day. yummmmmmm

leonard is still alive! i usually kill fish. i dont have a good track record w them. shhhh.

no nap in my car. but day old beans for lunch. and tonight, a wonderful run w a wonderful girl.

tennis anyone?

things that made today a good day

1. i went to walmart to get some ribbon and came back with a fish. his name is leonard. i was thinking about a good name for him so hard that i missed my exit. i just had to laugh.

2. going to savers w my bffs. good deals and good friends.

3. vegetarianism. its forcing me to try new things. and also ive been craving rice and beans lately so me, brendan, and robbie went to beto's after we went nightshwimming. delish!

4. lunch breaks. today instead of eating my lunch i slept in my car. except it was a bazillion degrees and i was roasting. but it was still a good snooze.

5. good boys. so uplifting and respectful and fun. love it.

6. my car. i love my car. the only thing i would change in it is have working speakers. and a working tape deck. other than that its the perfect car for me. i hope good ol' berthel lasts for years to come.

vegetarianism day 2

so this no eating meat thing is going pretty okay. but instead of eating massive amounts of meat, im eating massive amounts of junk food. yummy.

and now, i am going to savers to get some new work clothes.

we were born for this

i love girl talk. oh yah and pillow fights.

a night of friends

both old and new. love it.

ive gone back and read some of my old blogs. i sound somewhat depressed. i can assure you, im not. from here on out i will be more upbeat.

on that note, here are some things that have been on my mind:

things ive learned/relearned/realized/rerealized this summer...

i really really love music. a lot.
doing the right things really makes a difference in your life.
i love being outside. and doing free things that are fun.
and i also love summer.
im really good at procrastinating. so good that its sickening.
longboarding is really really fun.
im going to be investing some money in the near future.
when im a mom, and hopefully not working, im going to take my kids to visit old people at a nursing home. its decided.
whatever i talk about before i go to sleep i end up dreaming about. exhibit a: talked about scorpions before i went to bed, ended up dreaming about giant scorpions attacking children.
i love nice, respectful, good boys.
there is such a thing as too much meat.
youre never too old to enjoy a good carnival.
always ALWAYS pray. always. about everything. even if its just for good measure.
yo yos can make a smart person feel dumb. ya gotta be smarter than the piece of plastic on the string.
although my new job is basically mindlessness, it has great benefits.
im really really interested in the church's humanitarian projects.
there is such thing as a genuinely nice person.

and much much much much more...

woof

i love dogs. i cant wait to grow up and have my own someday.

stability

today my boss took us out to lunch and we went to a bbq place. it was delicious. our waiter was a very nice looking guy who served his mission in houston so we got to talk about tx. when we were leaving my boss left my phone number on the bill and it was funny/embarassing. we'll see where that goes...

ive been feeling slightly insecure lately and it is a feeling i definately do not like. so i put on make up for the first time this week. sometimes that makes me feel better. sometimes it doesnt. today it makes me feel okay. im usually not insecure, i have a pretty good self esteem i guess you could say. my insecurities are more about how people feel about me, whether im a good person or not, etc. im not fragile-- dont think of my that way. i guess, as a lot of people tend to feel, i just need reassurance sometimes.

i miss amy.

today is my last day at the nursing home. im sad to leave the residents behind- but not the paper work. i just want to make sure the residents get taken care of. i expect calls from the facility to ask me how to do things to make sure people are taken care of. its going to be sad not seeing them everday.

tomorrow is going to be a fun day. boating, ward activity, graffiti.

summerrrrrr

nightswimming

honeysuckle
running
colors
tennis
biking
ducks
burritos
friends
longboards
sleepovers
laughing
road trips
the rest of our lives



[second chances]

taste of ink

yesterday was a strange day. i was anxious all day and i didnt feel like doing anything at all. so i didnt. except at night me, brendan, and robbie all tried to think of things to do and the only thing that we had time for was eating and longboarding. so thats what we did. and then i went running. it was a nice and refreshing run-- it cleared my head.

i was anxious all day yesterday and i hardly ate anything. nothing sounded good-- i was just so nervous. it was a weird feeling that i havent experience in a long time. sorry to anyone reading this if i came across as rude or indifferent-- i was trying to figure out whats going on in my head.

..........

t minus two days.
and counting




every time the clock ticks
time moves forward
i move closer





you laugh
i smile

.music.

..defines us..

RIOT!

yesterday paramore's new cd came out. it is soooo good. their sound is way different...kinda from their last album but every once in a while if you listen hard, you can hear some chords from some of their old songs. yah i know im pretty dorky.

the past few days have been fun. i only have a couple of days left here at the ol' nursing home and then i am on to bigger and better things. im really excited too...which probably sounds bad, but i am just so anxious to get out of here.

speaking of anxious i woke up feeling very anxious and nervous. i had very vivid dreams last night, some which included scorpions attacking a group of kids i was with. sooo weird.

last night we played tennis. i surprised myself-- i actually hit the ball several times. last time me and beth played it was terrible. however, i got myself into trouble bc i borrowed ashley and tyler's raquets without asking and they got mmaddd. oops. itll be okay...i mean, they baked my watermelon.

on monday i was running up in the mountains and my car key fell out of its little pocket in my shorts! so whitney had to drive up and drop off my spare key. i had to climb through my sun roof which was a feat in itself. i was pretty scared though there for a bit bc i couldnt get a hold of anyone. i thought i was going to have to run home! yikes!

i am so nervous that i am unable to eat. hopefully all the anxiousness will pass by the time the day is over.

i hope today flies by.

a minute too late

i think that if i had a band thats what i would name it. just saying.

this weekend has been fun. relaxing. you could even say lazy.

yesterday me and whit slept in til 1 pm! but we also stayed up til 4...and 2 every other night last week.

its hard to believe we were in california a week ago. time flies.

me and whitney have been watching garden state over the past several days. we stop it and then later go back and pick it up where we left it. that movie is so...moving.

amy might have mono?!??!

bike rides and root beer floats

today i was thinking about going to concerts and then i began thinking about how much i miss amy. i dont think it is possible for me to convey to her or others how much i love her.

yesterday was jake's birthday and jeff and i coordinated a little surprise thing. i made a cake(it turned out good-- which was a miracle). he was definately surprised. then we all went to sonic where they were having a free root beer float party. it was fun, but it felt like high school. afterwards me and whitney went on a bike ride. yesterday was a good day.

i only have a week left tell im done w this job! wooooot!

take cover

okay okay, so i lied. my hair isn't that bad. its just weird having all the length gone. i definately have realized that i prefer long hair to short hair. oh well, sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

last night matt took me to panda express and it was delish. ive been craving chinese food, and i think that is the first time ive had it since november when i had the flu and food poisoning at the same time. because of that combination i will never be able to eat sushi again. boo.

its freezing outside. it even snowed on the mountains! its june! crazy. which postpones a lot of fun i could be having in the mountains right now.

soooo tired. soooo cold.

yet so alive.

love you long time

i cut 5 inches off my hair. i want to die. i wanted something different; something to redefine myself. but instead i got disappointment and insecurity.

rain rain go away

im feeling super anxious right now. i dont know why! its weird!

i seriously love my friends. at this point in time i have way more guy friends than girl friends, and i like it that way. my friends just make me feel good about myself. i love uplifting people.

last night i ended up getting home from work at 630 and then hung out at jeff's apartment for a bit. after that i went to dinner w/robbie and then borders with matt. afterwards i hung out at their apartment til midnight. i came home and whitney was there so we had girl talk for a bit.

i got some books at borders that i want to read RIGHT NOW. franny and zooey by salinger and the armchair economist by lanburg (?). i love economics books that make you think.

i gave my two weeks notice yesterday and i think my boss was shocked. but he understood. i couldn't tell him the real reason for quitting (i chickened out). but he also helped me realize that i can ride my bike to my job! yes! ill be saving $$$$$$ on gas. score!

where are you sun?

falling is like this

yesterday i took jack and jeff to target and a computer store. when we got back, i rode my bike around and delivered flyers for FHE and then rode to the library and signed up for the summer reading program, which im way excited for. then i walked to 7-11 and got a slurpee and then went and got my bike from the library and rode home. i was way nervous for FHE last night (im FHE mom) but it turned out good. then me, whit, jack, and jeff went swimming and then to sonic. it was a fun day.

im at work...trying to pump myself up to talk to my boss. scary!

my life is still good...and like everyone, i have my ups and downs. people still confuse me but thats okay bc i probably confuse people too.

less than 2 weeks til i get to leave this stinkin job!

summer of...george?

my life has changed for the better. i can't really describe it. this summer is such a huge change from last summer. im hanging out w better people. there is just a huge contrast and im glad i can tell the difference between the good and not so good in my life.

the california trip was super fun and definately not long enough. it was way fun to hang out w jeff and his friends and finally meet everyone he has told me about. his parents were super nice and laid back. it seemed like everyones parents that i met are like that. such a difference from mine.

the drive back was a blast. those boys are so funny. but ive begun to talk like them. tons of "super"s and "dude"s thrown into my speech. barf.

so last thursday before we left i had a job interview at a medical clinic for doing medical records. well i got the job! im super excited! i start a week from today. WAHOO!

i wish there was some way i could get paid not to work. seriously.

the sock of opportunity

so, um, about the heart breaking thing...yah. hasn't happened, and hopefully it won't.

CALI was amazing. it was so nice to just get away.

will update more later...


p.s. I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

ouch

i have a feeling my heart is going to be breaking.

very. soon.

word problems and longboards

yesterday i went to diego's taco shop. i had seriously the best burrito ive ever had in my life. i think i will be going back there today. it was soooooo good.

CALI TOMORROW NIGHT! what the?

tisbury lane

i hate my job soo much. i find no enjoyment it anymore. my time at work is spent looking for a new job. i am not happy when i am here--i look at the clock constantly, counting down how many hours-minutes-seconds i have left here in this hole. what happened? how did i let things change?

so far on my list of summer goals, namely reading 10 books, i have finished 1 and started another. i am slightly ashamed as it took me exactly two weeks to finish this one book. that is partly because of new friends. no blame whatsoever, ive just been hanging out with them all the time (but i like it this way).

CALI ON THURSDAY!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

by the way, current end of the day count down is an hour and a half.

listen.

i do not want to be myself around you.
i do not want to open up to you.
i do not want to get close to you.

because last time

well.
we know what happened.




(but lets be honest-- i really do.)

hello hello

so i got a book of e.e. cummings' poetry and im trying to make sense of it. i like poetry. ive even tried to write my own. but for some reason i'm really struggling w e.e. cummings.

last night we went to project 337 up in slc. it was amazing. some people are so inspired. i look at people's pieces and i cant even fathom how they are able to come up w it.

tonight me and whit made a midnight run to mickey d's. it was delish!

me gusta el verano!

post secret!!!!

matt's secret was posted!!!!!

restless

Restless
by Li-young Lee

I can hear in your voice
you were born in one country
and will die in another.

And where you live is where you’ll be buried,
and when you dreams it’s where you were born,

and the moon never hangs in both skies
on the same night,

and that’s why you think the moon has a sister,
that’s why your day is hostage to your nights,
and that’s why you can’t sleep except by forgetting,

you can’t love except by remembering.
And that’s why you’re divided: yes and no.
I want to die. I want to live.
Never go away. Leave me alone.

I can hear by what you say
your first words must have been mother and father.

Even before your own name, mother.
Long before amen, father.

And you put one word in your left shoe,
one in your right, and you go walking.

And when you lie down you tuck them
under your pillow, where they give rise
to other words: childhood, fate, and rescue.
Heaven, wine, return.

And even god and death are offspring.
Even world is begotten, even summer
a descendant. And the apple tree. Look and see

the entire lineage alive
in every leaf and branching
decision, snug inside each fast bud,

together in the flower, and again
in the pulp, mingling in the fragrance
of the first mouthful and the last.

Together in the flower, and again
in the pulp, mingling in the fragrance
of the first mouthful and the last.

I can tell by your silence you’ve seen the petals
immense in their vanishing.

Flying, they build your only dwelling.
Falling they sow shadows at your feet.

And when you close your eyes
you can hear the ancient fountains
from which they derive,

rock and water ceaselessly declaring
the laws of coming and going.