Hurt.
& it doesn't help that my head is playing 1001 worse case scenarios on the eve of my mid-Sem exam. Thanks brain.

We built walls around us to conceal our weaknesses so our enemies would not be able to navigate and find the cracks to tear us apart.
However, sometimes those walls we built keep us away from friends and loved ones who genuinely wants to reach out to us.

DEPRESSION (de·pres·sion)  

Noun Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

How as kids/teenagers we might have loosely used the words depression and utter momentary sadness interchangeably. How many times we might have gone "I'm depressed" after seeing our (e.g. SA1) grades, or after getting chided by our parents.

"Depression is a medical illness that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Depression can cause physical symptoms, too.
Also called major depression, major depressive disorder and clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave. Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living."

Symptoms:

• Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
• Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
• Reduced sex drive
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
• Irritability or angry outbursts
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
• Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Sometimes we need to simply cross-reference different articles and webpages to come up with a conclusion, especially when information isn't being fed to you by lectures or teachers just like they were back in primary and secondary school.
People might not admit to troubles just because most would not want to be judged by others, thus hiding the fact and showing to the world their poker face - beaming on the outside as if nothing was bothering them and everything in the world was going perfect or "can be handled" when their world was crumbling on the inside.
Personally, I have to admit to purposefully finding tasks to do to keep myself busy to keep me from thinking about how sucky my life can be or actually is. Of course I find it hard to express how down I can be. To be honest, I've yet find someone I can be brave and comfortable enough to tell my secrets and troubles to. As a Christian, probably I should say I can tell God all my problems. But truth be told, it isn't easy to do so - like to let go after confessing.
Accompanied Evelyn last week to church and Brother *whose name slips my mind* was preaching about 'Travelling light'. It isn't about how we should start to backpack instead of bringing 20kg worth of luggage when we travel. It's more about letting go of our problems/burdens after confessing and stuff. In essence, the whole message felt like it was directed at me. No, I don't let go of grudges easily and yes, I tend to remember them despite saying how I should forgive those who hurt me, etcetc.
Back to topic, ...................
My conclusion of the day:
I might have been depressed before.
Then again, I might just be a tad hypochondriac and am undeniably upset now.

I should stop crying uncontrollably.
Jeslyn, the world is bright. It's may be hard and mean, but God is with you.
Don't dwell. Don't carry your burden around. Drop them.

The words (even though it might be spoken in the heat of anger) resonated in my head the entire day and it felt as though you took a huge knife and pierce it through my heart. Don't think you really want to say it to me, but what's said can't be taken back 'cause it really was a personal attack. Now I know how you really feel, how you really think and perceive. 

I know you saw me, but since you decided to look away and pretend as if you didn't more than once.
I shall not be bothered to spend a single dime - what's more, more than 1/2 my weekly allowance - on you. You want everyone to bond, to be like a family...but by making things exclusive, what's there to bond? If you were my sibling, my family, yeah sure I'll be willing to spend more than what I get per week on you, but you're not. You're not even close to me, and truthfully, I don't wanna give a damn anymore.
I'm tired of this and I've got better and more important things on my mind to do.
So much for togetherness.
XOXO, not.

Was reflecting and thinking about my life on the way to school today.
I'm turning 21 in less than 3 months and after receiving THAT letter from HOTA on Friday (or was it Monday), I kept thinking about what I was going to do with my health.

I'm starting to crack like an air-bubble filled clay in the oven...

As 2011 comes to a close...I look back at all the triumph and setbacks thrown in my face this year, as well as all those memories I know I'd cherish as time to come. All I ask for for the coming year is not for a lighter load, but stronger shoulders to persevere.

I built myself, so many walls...
Walls so thick, so high, so plenty, that it sometimes scares me.

The whole of last week was crazy (and dead tiring).
Ended up reaching home after 12 midnight everyday
and getting up early for school...
So finally last night, I went to bed after 1.30am knowing that I didn't have to get up early...
but I did! Without an alarm...all because I had nightmares...
Though I can't recall all of them,
I only remembered one part of it when my teeth felt loose
(like a lot of them). So I went to the sink to spit whatever was in my mouth.
Horrifyingly, almost all my teeth on the right side of my mouth (top and bottom) dropped (like some handphone rhinestone strap) and there was blood.
I think it tasted like iron as well.
Dayumn, I wanted to cry so badly..
Thank God it's just a dream.

I should stop lying to myself.
I really should stop.