Change

The leaves drop, the sun sets and the tide falls. This season has ended and it's time to move on to the next.

For those who follows, here's a trail:

Proverbs (NLT)

8 Listen as Wisdom calls out! Hear as understanding raises her voice!

8 You simple people, use good judgement. You foolish people, show some understanding.

12 Fools think their own way is right, but the wise listens to others.

22 Listen to the words of the wise; apply your heart to my instructions.


The fool became wise, but yet not perfect. A rod stuck the back, has made his knees bend. To humble his ways, and bow before Thee.

Quando Quando Quando

I once asked Xin Hong if I should tell a girl that I like her but don't think I'm ready to go into a relationship with her yet.

He replied, 'That's nice, but not wise.'

Being cheeky, I asked, 'So... Should I be nice or wise?'

'Wise.'

Enough said. I had it cleared up.

Thank God for showing me the truth and the way that I might stop living in a state of denial. Though it was rather a heartbreak, He pushed me forward a something better.

Oh God,
tell me quando quando quando...

Agitated

Brainwashing: a method for systematically changing attitudes or altering beliefs, originated in totalitarian countries, esp. through the use of torture, drugs, or psychological-stress techniques

I really hate it when my dad refers to me going to church as simply getting brainwashed. I do understand what he means and where he is coming from, what I cannot stand is that matter-of-fact tone he always uses; as if I am intellectually incapable of telling it myself. There's just so much pride when he says such things, simply put: he seems to know it all.

Perhaps I will not be able to bring up any defence if my life is really aimlessly following what people say. However, that is the furthest from the truth. Many conclusions that I came to sprung from hours of thinking, considering every possibility or track of thought that I am capable of arriving at. My arguments are reinforced with strong reasoning and sensible qualifications. Yet after all this trouble, a man's pride simply puts it off as brainwashing.

I cannot accept this. Simply because I know I live a better life than any of my parents do. Maybe if one day if they can show me that they can live their lives better than my 'brainwashed' one, I might consider myself a fool. Something just tells me on the inside, they can never achieve that without God. Ironic, ain't it?

Frustrated

Things did not go well for me this week. I feel so lethargic, and just can't pick my spirits up. I believe that I'm feeling angry. The reason I say so is because it comes really subtle to me. I may not physically show that I am angry, but the thoughts that run through my mind, the way I talk to people just hinted to me something is not right with me. To be honest, I do not know what I am angry about, my closest guess however will be the situation that I am stuck in right now. Perhaps my lack of physical fitness had acted as the greatest demoralising agent through my days in OCS. Or maybe it is my inability to spend time with the people that I truly adore. It might be my lack of opportunities (or discipline) to build my relationship with God. In a nut-shell, the direction that I am going right now is not in the direction that I desire.

So this suppression had caused me a bit of emotional distress, but I really wanted to reflect on a revelation that God gave me just before I enlisted. I was at leaders' meeting and a preacher from LA shared with us the story of Joseph and told us not to despise the times of confinement. This makes me wonder how Joseph felt during his time in slavery and jail. I am almost certain that he felt angry at times about the injustice he was suffering from, but one has to stand in awe of his ability to keep his attitude right and have a peace in his heart. This is IMPOSSIBLE to achieve with mortal consolations (as I have experienced in camp), but it can only come through with GOD.

I feel much better just writing through the post. Because I have came to a conclusion that only God can provide the security that I need, and I can trust in Him. Time to toughen up the mind.

Detached

No doubt about it, being an army personnel separates your life from the civilians. The direction you are going in deviates from what the rest may be doing. It veers into separation, and many times isolation. As much as I want to keep myself abreast with what's going on in the world, the boundaries drawn around me just resist me.

Struggles. That's what happen in my mind as I train. They said soldiers fight not for their nation or glory, but for their buddies beside them; but for me it is for a chance to surface from the sea of regimentation around me.

Suppression. Take down your desire and reach your objectives. A thing so hard to achieve as my passion burns stronger with each passing day.

Numbness. Like anesthetic, it neutralizes any hope remaining in you. It comes in the form of sudden hysteria and over-zealousness. Time passes for its own sake.

Dread. Comes in waves and hits you hard in your heart. It devours your joy and feast on your rest. As merciless as the devil, it cuts your soul as it screams for a breather.

But I don't live on those. There's more to it, better things. I'm certain.

Rhema

Ecclesiastes 9:10 [Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.]

A timely for OCS I daresay.

Praise the Lord!

No religion but God

I get really upset when people talk to me about religion (with regards to non-intellectual discussions), especially with regards to Christianity. Too often I find that when people talk about religion, they are promoting their school of thought and have a tendency to even bring down other ideologies. Let's not even start ranting on other things, but one thing that I really cannot stand is critical judgments. That gives an absolute perspective to something and shows an obvious lack of mature perception over issues. Those people are stupid. See? I just gave an example on absolute statements like that on the basis of 1 evidence, which is so weak and unsubstantial. Yet the people who give such statements put on an adamant front as if their sentence can never be challenged. Disregarding how provoking their judgments may be, this is such a conversational stopper. How in the world do they expect me to reply when they already think they know everything?

Hmm... ranting can just go on, but I'll move on to my next point.

My encounters with many Christians is that they know their teachings very well, but they rarely have any encounters with God. I don't know if it is because their "religion" forbids such "spooky" things, or they simply do not know. Whatever the case, my conversation with them are (not even often) always shallow and superficial. Stuff like you shouldn't believe this, shouldn't do that, shouldn't go here. And my word, I hate such conversations. It's just as if every word the person speaks to you is trying to build a wall to restrict you. It's worse than parents! (and my parents don't even do that!) Anyway, I would love to discuss with them about their encounters with God and how they think of God etc. Because that's the only true way to be encouraged and edified. By speaking cutting words into people whom you have no influence over is damaging to the relationship.

Regardless, people really need to learn how to sustain healthy conversations and be more accepting....