One Year

December 29th marked one year since my mom's passing. We spent the day traveling home from Zion National Park, so it wasn't too big of a deal for me until I got home and back to normal life. It's an interesting thing to love someone you love- or at least for me it has been. I've learned a few things, endured some emotion, and gained strength and understanding. . .at least I think. I just wanted to write a few of my thoughts down to remember this time. As I was scrolling through old posts, I remember the events but mostly the heavy hearts of adjusting to life without my mom there and trying to just make it through a lot of those 'marks'. That feeling has lifted a little as we now have reached a year of her gone, but I'm sure there will always be a piece of that feeling.

Things I remember from this last year:

*Lots of long phone conversations with my dad.

*Constantly worrying about and hovering over my dad (I hate that he is alone, although he does just fine on his own).

*Lots of unexpected 'moments' of emotion that come out of no where.

*Really missing my mom and wishing she could see my kids, especially how Max has grown up.

*Trying my hardest to do things the way my mom used to do- mostly to keep her memory for me (things like holiday celebrations, shopping, events).

*Walking into stores or places that the last time I was there was with her.

*Talking about cheesy shows and frills that would make us laugh.

*Being grateful that she isn't still here and as sick as she was.



Things I've learned:

*I'm a little more capable than I thought I was.

*I'm grateful not to have any regrets (for the most part).

*There are many good friends and a 'group' I didn't even know existed that understands and gives support and a listening ear, because they have experienced the same things.

*There is peace and comfort knowing she is happy and in heaven.

*I've now got people helping me from both sides in life- my Dad here on Earth and my Mom in heaven.

*There are things I'm trying to do now that I probly would not have attempted if my mom was here because she would have just done them.

*So many people loved her and us and are still so thoughtful to us. I have been overwhelmed at the effort and compassion many friends and family have shown to me this year.

*There is a plan in life. I don't know exactly what that is, but there is a purpose in all of this and things are as they should be.

*This one is a more recent thing- There are things she can do on the other side to provide comfort that she couldn't do here and I believe especially with people still in our extended family and/or loved ones she knew here. This is something of importance to me. We have had a couple of trying events with family members that have commented how they feel she is near them in times of distress. I think this is so great. She may not be my directly in my life, but she is helping to comfort and lift our loved ones and she could not have done that in the same way if she were still here.

Now this and much more being said, I do still miss her but I'm ok with things. I worry about what times will be like when I need her and she isn't here, but I've still got my family and my dad. If I were to have one more day with her, I wouldn't spend it much differently than we did before- probly eat lunch at Noodles and go shopping for the grandkids all day. There isn't much more I would have to say to her but I would love to have a hug from her. I think she would be happy with the things we've continued to try and do and accomplish this year. I think she would be proud of everyone and that we've made it this far. I'm sure in the scheme of things, she looks down on us and isn't really that far away. And just like her- I've got a work to do as well, that is my own and nobody else can accomplish it. I just hope when all is said and done, I will be a charitable, compassionate, driven individual like she was.

A big thanks to my Dad. He has been so loving, positive, stable, a he has just pushed forward. He may disagree with what I am saying about him, but he as really been a strength to all of us and he has done everything possible he felt like he could do this last year. I do appreciate him and love him so much. I recognize that he is the one suffering the most loss in my mom being gone, but he has really been great and good to us even in his times of sorrow. I truly have been grateful for his sense of humor and cheesy jokes (which isn't anything new) as he continues to find himself without my mom by his side.

Through all the craziness, Adam still loves me and supports the role I've had to play this year and I will be forever grateful for that.

I love you mom and miss you. Thank you for all the things you took time to show and teach me by word and example. I will do my best to carry on your good name on this earth until I see you again.

A Break in Zion's

We got outta town and went to Zion National Park for 2 nights with my dad, Chloe, and Floyd. It was definitely still winter there, colder than I expected, but beautiful and fun. We stayed at the lodge and loved it. Adam and I were talked out of staying there before, but we are regretting it now cause it was great. The kids got outside and ran around. Adam is great with kids this age (Chloe, Floyd, Grace, and Max) cause he knows how the get them out, wear them out, and then fill them up with stories for bed. It was a short trip but well worth it and nice to get away after Christmas! Great idea Dad!

Table for two.

Christmas Time 2009

Merry Christmas! I took most of the pictures Christmas Eve, but all of Christmas was good. We spent Christmas Eve in Coalville. My dad made a mean prime rib, we ate and had our usual Christmas Eve program- singing songs, a few stories, and my dad reading from the scriptures. Chloe is old enough now she can read some Christmas stories, so that was fun. Grace recited her Primary talk from Sunday and sang "Picture a Christmas". Floyd drew a story and told us about it too. Max was just along for all of it. It was a good Christmas Eve, good for us all to be together and it felt like it always has for the past 26 years for me.

Christmas Day!

We had our first Christmas morning at our own house this year and it was a lot of fun. I loved playing Santa and getting everything ready. Too bad I was the first one awake and excited on Christmas morning! I guess the kids aren't quite old enough to be up early (which maybe I should be glad for). Santa was good to us this year, despite how good or bad we might have been :).

Jessica, the kids, and my dad came over for lunch and we hung out on Christmas Day. We had some fun watching YouTube videos. We went to the Princess and the Frog too, and it was fun to get out and go to the movies. All in all, a really good Christmas. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be with out my mom, but her spirit lives on in our traditions. Merry Christmas everyone!

Look what Santa brought!

Floyd and Max had their first Dance Off together (thanks to Floyd's awesome music and computer) on Christmas Eve, while the girls were busy dressing up and singing songs. Here is a clip. . .

Singin' for a Crowd

Grace's preschool did a Christmas performance for the Legacy Retirement Center last week. There was lots of singing, jingle bells jingling, and kids telling the crowd what they want for Christmas. It was a cute program. Grace's preschool teacher is really great and I think it was good for Grace to do this. Of course, there was no shortage of laughs because the kids are hilarious. Grace reporting she wants a Princess Polly Castle. I guess if she says it to people with white hair like Santa, maybe he'll get the message (since the 'real' Santa has yet to hear from this girl).

Caitlyn and Grace giggling- what could be so funny? Surely they couldn't see themselves with red dots on their nose :). These two are so silly but such good friends.
I took some videos of just Grace with my camera, but the age and quality of my camera came shining through when the videos were grainy and I could get the other 2 (which were much more amusing) to flip and focus. Oh well, at least I'll have a little record for Grace to look back on.

I do love being a mom and doing all the fun holiday stuff. As the kids get older, the more fun all of this is. Grace seems so much older and more grown up. She did great and I'm glad she is experiencing new things. I'm also glad she was excited to do this, learning to spread her wings.

I think this is our last shindig, except of a few more friend and family get togethers. It's been a good holiday season so far.

Dinner with Old Friends

Friday night I had dinner with some friends I grew up with in Wyoming. It was so great to get together and see everyone and to talk to people who have known me forever, makes me feel like life really hasn't changed that much (compared to what it feels like sometimes). We spent a couple hours talking and catching up. We missed a couple of girls that couldn't come because of roads and just having a baby- We missed you! Hopefully it won't be too long until we meet up again. It was crazy that 3 out of the 6 of us there were prego with their 2nd or 4th kids. Crazy. When did we turn into wives and moms and have our own families. It's always good to see my friends doing well in life. It was fun.

No Pictures with Santa. . .

We went to pay Santa Clause a visit the other day (at the mall). I had been telling Grace that she gets to sit on his lap and tell him what she wants for Christmas and she was excited about it. We got to the mall and walked in on the upper level that looks down on the Santa display. Grace ran over to the rail to take a peek down at everything. She turns around and says to me, "that's not Santa." I didn't quite know what to say. He was a great looking Santa with a real beard and all! I told her sometimes Santa has helpers to help him talk to all the kids but she wasn't buying it. So we went and had lunch, played a little, and then went to see Santa (hoping the break would help). We got to the front of the line and Grace halted, crossed her arms, and refused to budge, proclaiming, "that's not Santa!" The other moms in line were laughing (because of this strongly opinionated 4 year old that shouldn't even be noticing this stuff yet) but I didn't know what to do. I tried bribing that she wouldn't get the Polly Princess Castle if she didn't talk to him but that didn't bother her. So we left- no talking to Santa, no overpriced pictures. We resolved upon writing a the jolly guy a letter and we'll see what happens Christmas morning.

Monday Night Sledding

So already we're breaking out the sleds. . . again. This time Adam is the dad getting us all bundled and out the door for sledding. Adam said for years, his dad did the same thing and he loved it. We used our Monday night to hit the little hills at a park down the road. I'm so glad to have Adam and that he likes to get out and do things. We bundled everyone up and headed out and had a great time together. This night reminded me a lot of my first year of college when Adam & I were dating. We played in the snow after dark with friends a lot, but this time we both looked at each other like, "how did we get 2 kids to bring along!?!" Crazy, but fun. Max had to open a Christmas present early to have his first snowboots. Thanks Grampy!

Look at that wild look on Adam's face- he loves the snow & sledding.

Snow Angels.

Happy December!

Ward Christmas Breakfast

We had our ward Christmas breakfast this morning and it was a lot of fun. There were great activities for the kids and that made it all worth it. Grace is loving the holidays this year so any excuse to celebrate, she loves it. Grace and her friend Lexi.
Max and Daddy.
The cake walk. When the kid's number is called, they got to choose a cupcake. Grace went around and around, bound and determined to get one of those cupcakes. We all know it was the princess ring embedded in frosting she was after :). Max liked tagging along too. He thought it was pretty fun going in circles with the big kids.
This little guys is looking so grown up and so much older. Nursery here we come in January!

Decorating your own cookie was a hit. We went back for multiple rounds. Again. . .the frosting, sprinkles, Christmas candy corn- can I say more. Grace loves her treats, just like her momma.

Grace and Evan at the cookie table.

Christmas time is the best! Music, trees, lights, friends, families, and parties- all crazy but it all makes the holidays a special time of year for me. Most importantly, emphasis on the Savior's birth, life, and resurrection are what makes this life so enjoyable for all.

A Bath in Pajamas

This morning as Grace was getting undressed to get in the tub, but someone beat her to it. Max got in the bath without anybody noticing- pajamas, diaper, and all.

This guy has been keeping me busy lately!

Sledding

Adam and the kids pulled out the sled to drag it around a patch of snow in our backyard Saturday. It was a big hit. These pictures are so telling of our kid's personalities. Grace likes to be the mother hen and 'drag' Max around. She also doesn't like to get cold or wet, but would rather be in her fur lined hoodie with sparkles. Max on the other hand is always along for the ride. His hands are always in everything and he always has a smile on his face.

I think it was a hit. Looks like Adam has a new sledding buddy. P.S. For anyone that knows Adam, he is crazy for sledding and playing in the snow. Hopefully winter will bring new adventures with the the kids and snow this year.

Thanksgiving Weekend

*Thanksgiving Day*

Thanksgiving was good this year, as always. My Aunt JoAnn and her family, along with my cousin Quinn and her family came to Coalville. It felt like old times. It was relaxed and fun. We kept the midnight shopping tradition and over eating alive. The boys stayed busy watching guy movies and playing pool. We had a good time.

"Happy Thanksgiving, we want turkey!"

Max was busted by Aunt Jessica sneaking Jello and whipped cream from the dessert table. He couldn't have been more happy and it shows.

*Lights at Temple Square*

To round off a fun few days, my dad, Jessica, and my family went to dinner at the Gateway then to temple square to see the lights. It was a nice night, the lights were great, and it was a good way to start the holiday season.

Grampy and the kids on Trax.

Grace standing by the Christus. She loved seeing all the starts painted around the room, so much so in fact I couldn't get her to smile standing in front of Jesus. Oh well, it's a good thing she appreciates the beauties of the world too.

Jessica and Floyd.

Once again, the kids were too busy looking at lights to say cheese.

*This year's Ginger Bread House*
Nearly impossible to assemble with a 17 month old boy who loves candy and crawling on top of the table. Luckily Grace is patient and didn't mind too much and she did a great job decorating.
Thanks Aunt Charity for the Ginger bread house kit!

Benson & Claire

If you have a minute, please check out the new button on the sidebar of this blog. Adam and I knew the mother of this family in college (BYU-Idaho)- she was a roomate with Adam's sister. They are great people and need all the help and publicity they can get to hopefully raise money for their two kids. Take the time and check them out. *Thanks*

I need to record some fun family times we've had in the last week. Grace and I went on a date to Princesses on Ice together (which meant the boys stayed home). Grace ate a whole big bag of cotton candy- I got suckered into buying the big bag because it came with Mickey ears (which Grace didn't even give the time of day). We had fun together and it was nice to do something and have time with just Grace and I together. Grace's favorite was Cinderella which luckily was the biggest part of the show. Adam's sister Charity flew in (w/o kids) to spend a few days in Utah. We got together and had a lot of fun shopping in Park City and Provo and hanging out at Deborah's house. We had lots of good desserts and fun times talking. Sunday we had a family dinner at our house and Adam's parents came down too. I'm so grateful for great sister in laws that I can relate to so well and who are such good examples to me. They are all so accommodating to my kids too- which means a lot.

(Adam's sisters & mom) Alison, Deborah, Bonnie, Charity, Me

I thought I had a great shot- Max in between his 2 grandpas but he didn't cooperate too well and had funny faces the whole time but I guess I'll remember the day and the memory.

I also have to record a funny occurrence from last week. Adam and I are considering some major career changes/choices/opportunities and it has been weighing on our minds extensively. To top it off Adam was called last week to be in the bishopric in our ward, which seemed like a big thing to us along with the other things going on. So, I thought I was handling the stress pretty well. One afternoon last week, we went to McDonald's with some good friends for lunch. After we had been there for about an hour, Grace came up to me and asked why we forgot to put panties on her that day. I thought that was crazy and went to investigate- sure enough No Panties! I couldn't believe it. My friends and I just started laughing (I'm so grateful for them because they are such great friends) and then I suddenly remembered that I had a spare pair of panties in my purse. Ever since we went through a whole 'garbage/stinky panties' episode about a year ago I usually have and extra pair of panties. . .just in case. That was even funnier to everyone that I carry panties in my purse and we were just cracking up. It was a funny thing and one of those memories to mark this time in my life.