Numb...

... and I just wanted to numb out more with a bottle of wine and, before bed, a sleeping pill.

The no alcohol thing didn't last too long but I have cut back...truly.

Earlier today at my annual "female" doctor's visit I was getting my finger pricked for the blood iron test and suddenly a loud cheering came from down the hall. I looked at the technician and she said someone just found out what they were having - as in a boy or a girl baby. I said they must be happy with what they are getting.

Although maybe they would have had that response no matter the gender since if the gender is the major finding of the anatomy ultrasound you are doing pretty good so far. Not like one of those ultrasounds that start out with excitement from the parents and silence from the ultrasound technician.

"Oh, there he is all curled up at the bottom."

Without amniotic fluid present I couldn't see a baby at all, but it wasn't until later that I realized that this was a very bad thing. It wasn't just about not being able to see him clearly, it was deadly, but they don't tell you that right away.

...............

I like my doctor very much because she is so patient about answering my questions. The visit turned out well in the sense that all of my concerns were addressed. I am being tested for all STI's (because since the last exam I have had sex with a new partner and (last fall) my ex-husband, who was questionable in the faithfulness department), I have a prescription for the Nu.va Ri.ng (plus 4 samples, yay!), I will go in on day 3 of my cycle to get the FSH test to see if I am in premature ovarian failure PLUS my doctor ordered the anti mullerian hormone test to check on my ovarian reserve. I'm seeing if my insurance will cover the AMH test (it's normally part of infertility diagnostics, which are not normally covered, but I since I have a family history of premature ovarian failure my doctor and I are hoping that insurance will cover it as more of a preventive health thing) but if they don't I'll get it done anyway (if I can afford it out of pocket!) because I need some idea of how much longer I have to try for another baby.

..............

And I have gained less weight than I thought I did!

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I used the Nu.va Ri.ng for many years before quitting birth control and I'm glad to have a contraceptive that I'm familiar with. It has been about 2 and a half years since I last used a hormonal contraceptive so please cross your fingers that I adjust well to it and don't scare off my reason for using contraception! I'm glad I don't have to take an anti-baby pill everyday.

It truly is a wonderful thing that women are able to prevent pregnancy with a near 100% success rate, but the same cannot be said for conceiving. What will happen when circumstances are right for me? Will I still be fertile?

And it's not that I'm just complaining needlessly - since I'm not ttc I don't know if I have the ability to conceive anymore or not. I have a great deal of compassion for those with diagnosed infertility and hopefully my worrying about infertility that may or may not be present or near won't be upsetting. But I'm not in any position to have a baby. I know I could have unprotected sex right now in an attempt to conceive, but then what? I don't have a lot of money since my ex left me with the house and the bills that home ownership entails. I have two housemates now that probably wouldn't be too thrilled with a newborn entering the house. And most importantly, I like this guy I'm seeing and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now by getting pregnant. He is worth seeing how things develop between us without stressful complications or deceit on my part.

My mom and maternal grandmother each entered premature ovarian failure at age 35. I turn 35 in 4 months.

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After the doctors appointment I wandered around doing errands. I needed fancy salon shampoo, socks, a new bra, and after getting all of these things I still felt so unsatisfied. It was that feeling of knowing that regardless of whatever "treats" you bought yourself you would still want for more.

Empty. Numb. And only craving more removal from my thoughts through glasses of Merlot.

It isn't so surprising really.

It has been a good day. Really.

TMI cycle stuff

FSH test

So you are supposed to go in on cycle day 3 or so. Last Friday, when I made the appointment for the following Monday, I thought I was at day one. Then it stopped. Then I thought Saturday was day one. Then it stopped. Then nothing for Sunday. Then Monday I wondered if I was wasting everyone's time by coming in to have my blood taken when I didn't know if I was on cycle day 4 or 29 (that would be day 4 if this were a new cycle, day 29 if still on the last cycle). Talk about feeling like an idiot.

Some of the people I work with study FSH so I talked to a colleague about the stability of FSH before cycle day 1. It is very stable! Check out the chart below and you can see how FSH and estrogen do not fluctuate greatly during the very end of one cycle and the very beginning of another. So it didn't really matter if I was at day 4 or 29.

Monday ended up being day 1 but I didn't call the office back to give them the play by play of my menstrual cycle.

Yesterday morning I was so upset over not knowing precisely what cycle day it was for my FSH test that I forgot to ask when the results would be back.

THE RESULTS!!!

New panic (since I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not freaking out about something!). Already I have heard back from my doctor's office, not just with an estimate of when the results will be back but the actual results.

Everything is in the normal range.

I am not currently in premature ovarian failure. My thyroid hormone levels are fine.

I should be really happy but now I'm confused about what to do. Having urging from my doctor to try to conceive immediately would have pushed my marriage in one direction or the other - my husband and I would have been brought together or driven apart - at least either way is an answer. Can I just say how much I hate marriages in limbo! Grrrrr.

I don't know how to repair my marriage. Hubby is NOT the therapy type, and he is so grumpy lately he is almost impossible to be around. And he is not going to relax enough to even work on our marriage until he is employed.

So no rush for pregnancy. What a relief and a disappointment!

And abnormal thyroid hormone levels are not to blame for my weight gain. Looks like someone needs to put down the wine and get her fat ass to the gym more often.

Technical and way too personal

Reasons I was not looking forward to my annual gyno visit:

1. The obvious - spending time and money to change into paper clothing and be intimately examined

2. Getting weighed

3. Seeing happy pregnant women in the waiting room

4. Being asked about my reproductive history from staff members who are not familiar with my file

5. Being asked if I needed a prescription for hormonal birth control which I most definitely do not since I haven't been in a situation to prevent pregnancy since July 19. By the way this is NOT my way of saying hubby and I are trying to conceive, quite the opposite, we have not been intimate since JULY NINETEENTH. No wonder I'm tense all the time.

6. Being asked how I am doing since the deadbaby. I would want to honestly answer and not just say "fine" but I started feeling a little embarrassed to let this doctor know how little progress I have made towards getting pregnant again.




Right as I entered the office and stood in line to check in and was surrounded by pregnant bellies I thought "I need to change doctors". The receptionist asked me how the baby was doing and I said he died and she was really nice about not ignoring it and not expressing too much sympathy. But after seeing my doctor I remembered how much I like her and I don't want to see anyone else.

So the things that were as bad or worse than I anticipated were the plethora of pregnant women, and being weighed.

Some good things about the visit are I asked to have my ovarian reserve tested and after explaining that my cycles are kind of short (23-27 days) and my mother and her mother (my grandmother) both said they began menopause at 35 and I was worried I would do the same, so I wanted to know how long I could push back trying to conceive. I'll return to the office to have blood drawn on cycle day 3 and the results will tell if my pituitary gland is secreting high levels of FSH, which would indicate that it is taking more effort to get a follicle to mature, which is not good when you still want to reproduce someday. The test won't say how many follicles I have left, it only lets you know if something is up at that time, but it is a good place to start. If my FSH levels are low my doctor mentioned that I might want to have them tested every 6 or 12 months. I'm glad she is taking my concerns seriously and is willing to work with me on this to ease my mind. My doctor said if the results are above 10 she will suggest that I start trying to conceive right away, which is exactly the information I want to know.

My thyroid hormone levels are also going to be tested since I commented on how much weight I have gained. The problem is most likely that I've not been exercising and I'm drinking several bottles of wine a week but it is kind of her to address all of my concerns anyway.

All in all, I'm glad it's over and incredibly glad that I expressed my concerns and am taking a proactive approach to the possibility of premature ovarian failure.