I'm divorced. The official letter arrived last Friday. Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him). He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.
What did he mean by asking me that? How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health? His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.
On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business. Should I ignore it? Should I respond with truth or fluff? Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce? What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?
No closure. He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it. If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was. Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son. What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?
But then the brain gears started really turning . . .
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean?
Nothing.
It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me. I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together. I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough. My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end. I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny!
What I have now is wonderful! And that, my friends, is closure.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Friday, September 17, 2010
I'll wait
Things are so busy. I'm so behind that I feel like I suck at my job nevermind the disaster that the house is in. And then there's so much excitement too because Snugglebunny may move in soon. Eww's and Ahhh's are clashing.
Then there's a huge icky issue in the background that is becoming highlighted with the change in the way the sunlight shines into windows as Summer turns to Autumn ... I'm not ready to face it yet so how about a diversion? Circumstances of socializing led to me seeing "Goi.ng the Dis.tance" twice in the past week and now all I want to hear is this song
......
I'm scared of SB moving in. Scared of losing my opinions. Scared of forgetting the small amount of self-sufficiency I've gained. Already ashamed of how much I love Friday nights when I can sit down with a bottle of wine, read blogs about parenthoods cut short, and maybe write in my own. My therapist says that co-habitation involves a business transaction of sorts. We have to figure out the sticky bits of how much he will pay to live in the home I own. I already suspect that if he becomes unemployed (not a far fetched event in the US lately) I will feel resentful about having to pay for his share, only because my salary isn't big enough to share.
This house was purchased a little over 6 years ago. X and I flew into town, the first time either of us had been here, and had 4 days to find a house to buy. I wonder if our Realtor thought we were crazy! On the day we left we placed an offer for a different house but we ended up buying our second choice. I wanted a brick house with hardwood floors; we bought a split-level house with 80's siding and beige carpet. But when I stand at the top of the stairs and look into the living room with the vaulted ceilings there is just so much space and so much air that ... there's room to breathe ... it's safe without being claustrophobic ... it's expansive and peaceful. You can see the soul of the house there, if such a thing exists. I wish you all could see it.
Huge rewind to 7 years earlier and we married; back when we were too young to imagine how sadly marriage could turn out. Rewind another 6 years prior to that and we met. I was 16. I still cannot comprehend how he could just walk away after we had been friends and spouses for 17 years. It's been almost 2 years since he left and that is enough to tip the scales so that he hasn't been in my life for longer than he was. Whoever he really was.
Was he ever who I thought he was?
He had opportunity after endless opportunity to be viewed as a great guy, not a guy who is unfaithful and slimy, not a guy who was emotionally abusive, not a guy who has his wife abort an unplanned pregnancy, not a guy who abandons his wife when things get very hard. But when he wasn't being a jerk he was my best friend. Or rather he was the best friend of the me who was nervous, shy, afraid of everything, emotionally unpredictable ... the incarnation before version 2.bitter.
The me from the days when living together could be spontaneous and romantic and completely business transaction free misses him.
.......
I had a goal to be divorced by the end of the year and it's just about time for me to ask again if he will agree to a reasonable settlement. Because even though he was an incredibly important person to me for 17 years it's useless to wait any more for him to turn into the person I thought he was. I can't respect myself if I wait for him.
......
Will the heartbreak of this lost romance ever completely end? Can the soulbreak from living in the shadow of a selfish person mend? And how does one ever reconcile the loss and the hate?
Then there's a huge icky issue in the background that is becoming highlighted with the change in the way the sunlight shines into windows as Summer turns to Autumn ... I'm not ready to face it yet so how about a diversion? Circumstances of socializing led to me seeing "Goi.ng the Dis.tance" twice in the past week and now all I want to hear is this song
......
I'm scared of SB moving in. Scared of losing my opinions. Scared of forgetting the small amount of self-sufficiency I've gained. Already ashamed of how much I love Friday nights when I can sit down with a bottle of wine, read blogs about parenthoods cut short, and maybe write in my own. My therapist says that co-habitation involves a business transaction of sorts. We have to figure out the sticky bits of how much he will pay to live in the home I own. I already suspect that if he becomes unemployed (not a far fetched event in the US lately) I will feel resentful about having to pay for his share, only because my salary isn't big enough to share.
This house was purchased a little over 6 years ago. X and I flew into town, the first time either of us had been here, and had 4 days to find a house to buy. I wonder if our Realtor thought we were crazy! On the day we left we placed an offer for a different house but we ended up buying our second choice. I wanted a brick house with hardwood floors; we bought a split-level house with 80's siding and beige carpet. But when I stand at the top of the stairs and look into the living room with the vaulted ceilings there is just so much space and so much air that ... there's room to breathe ... it's safe without being claustrophobic ... it's expansive and peaceful. You can see the soul of the house there, if such a thing exists. I wish you all could see it.
Huge rewind to 7 years earlier and we married; back when we were too young to imagine how sadly marriage could turn out. Rewind another 6 years prior to that and we met. I was 16. I still cannot comprehend how he could just walk away after we had been friends and spouses for 17 years. It's been almost 2 years since he left and that is enough to tip the scales so that he hasn't been in my life for longer than he was. Whoever he really was.
Was he ever who I thought he was?
He had opportunity after endless opportunity to be viewed as a great guy, not a guy who is unfaithful and slimy, not a guy who was emotionally abusive, not a guy who has his wife abort an unplanned pregnancy, not a guy who abandons his wife when things get very hard. But when he wasn't being a jerk he was my best friend. Or rather he was the best friend of the me who was nervous, shy, afraid of everything, emotionally unpredictable ... the incarnation before version 2.bitter.
The me from the days when living together could be spontaneous and romantic and completely business transaction free misses him.
.......
I had a goal to be divorced by the end of the year and it's just about time for me to ask again if he will agree to a reasonable settlement. Because even though he was an incredibly important person to me for 17 years it's useless to wait any more for him to turn into the person I thought he was. I can't respect myself if I wait for him.
......
Will the heartbreak of this lost romance ever completely end? Can the soulbreak from living in the shadow of a selfish person mend? And how does one ever reconcile the loss and the hate?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Prelude to divorce #2
I guess that last email from him provided the inspiration needed to clean out the garage a bit. Every so often I'll tidy things up and toss things out in the garage but mere weeks later what remains never fails to explode, leaving memorabilia of a marriage as shrapnel. After deciding that I definitely should toss the candle holder that he made in high school into the donation bag at the last minute it ended up being set aside to consider later. It's not just memories of our marriage left behind, it's memories of our respective childhoods.
I remember using that candle stick in his room that was in the basement of his mother's home. We spent countless hours together in that room and when things became too strained at my house I moved in to his room. Was that the first time that he rescued me? No... we had known each other too long by then, but it's the memory that stands out now. When we were teenagers I viewed him as so safe and gentle; I was sure that he would never hurt me the way my mother had been treated by her husbands. It was like striking gold and I clung to him - he was my ticket to a secure lifestyle. I believed that we would live our entire lives together and even if we divorced one day it was inconceivable that we would not have regular contact. He was my best friend. I loved him and believed in him. I was 22 when we married.
Hindsight can hurt so much sometimes.
Considering the situations I lived in while a minor, it's clear why a marriage to such a private person was not only acceptable but something to be proud of. Years ticked by and our marriage lasted longer than some of our parents marriages (they were all married quite a few times). We were going to make recent family tree history by growing old together. Frequently others would say they wanted a relationship like we had.
Somewhere along the way things started to change and it was so gradual that I guess neither one of us noticed how wrong things were becoming. He became more secretive; I started to act erratically and loneliness and jealously towards the women he would spend so much alone time with led to huge crying spells. He would be able to explain everything and over time I became the emotional and unpredictable one. I needed to be cared for; he wanted to "fix" me.
He later said that he could never make me happy, that it was impossible for him to fix me. And he was right, but not because I was beyond repair.
............
His email included a reminder that I got everything - the house, furniture, the weird/cool household maintenance tools that he deemed unimportant enough to leave behind: rakes, a few screwdrivers, box cutter, socket thingies, but where is the part they snap into?
I did end up with all of these items but only because he left them/us behind. While he was moving out, when asked about what he wanted to take, my pummeled heart received another punch when he didn't want much. It was like he wanted no memories of the "us" portion of his life to follow him on to greener pastures. Why is he now saying between the lines that I'm ungrateful for making use of the objects he rejected? That's much easier to answer than "how is it possible that we matured into our 30's in such different directions?"
............
Sifting through the garage odds and ends was unfortunately short lived. Where health is concerned, you will not believe the series of events during my blogging hiatus but it is indeed all true.
3 weeks ago a day long fever evolved into conjunctivitis in both eyes, laryngitis for 5 days and a round of antibiotics (I was negative for strep at this time). Instead of getting better my throat became even more sore. Today my health care provider diagnosed a viral infection AND a strep infection. Already this round of antibiotics is helping. Since I was sent home from work until 24 hours of antibiotics were completed and I don't feel that bad besides a cough and raw throat, it seemed like a great time to tidy the garage. I kid you not after about 30 minutes I tripped over an extension cord (so essentially nothing) and landed hard on my knee onto the concrete floor. It didn't swell up too bad (I say this even though almost all of the definition of my knee is gone, despite hours of ice and ibuprofen) so I'm waiting before seeing a doctor but walking is painful and since I'm in cootie isolation SnuggleBunny can't come over to help me.
My blogging hiatus was intended to be all about action and experiences and while I have had some great times, the Universe seems to want me to be still. So here I am, reluctantly acquiescing to a period of rest. It's frustrating but my spirits are oddly good! Things are not going as planned, I have been in minor pain and tired for 3 weeks, I've replaced contact lenses, mascara, and toothbrushes, bought new glasses (easing the insult of pink eye by replacing glasses that were a nearly decade old), I may have messed up my knee (cross your fingers that it will just be a bad bruise), I have missed work, I am adjusting to a higher dose of wel.bu.trin. But also I'm not sinking into depression or becoming engulfed with anger when I think about how difficult my husband is being. He is simply behaving as he often did by ignoring me until responding in a demeaning manner and defending himself, but instead of following the habit of negative reaction I think "this is how he is, why would I expect anything else?"
I wish he could really hear me but it is impossible. Anyway, that's all for tonight.
I remember using that candle stick in his room that was in the basement of his mother's home. We spent countless hours together in that room and when things became too strained at my house I moved in to his room. Was that the first time that he rescued me? No... we had known each other too long by then, but it's the memory that stands out now. When we were teenagers I viewed him as so safe and gentle; I was sure that he would never hurt me the way my mother had been treated by her husbands. It was like striking gold and I clung to him - he was my ticket to a secure lifestyle. I believed that we would live our entire lives together and even if we divorced one day it was inconceivable that we would not have regular contact. He was my best friend. I loved him and believed in him. I was 22 when we married.
Hindsight can hurt so much sometimes.
Considering the situations I lived in while a minor, it's clear why a marriage to such a private person was not only acceptable but something to be proud of. Years ticked by and our marriage lasted longer than some of our parents marriages (they were all married quite a few times). We were going to make recent family tree history by growing old together. Frequently others would say they wanted a relationship like we had.
Somewhere along the way things started to change and it was so gradual that I guess neither one of us noticed how wrong things were becoming. He became more secretive; I started to act erratically and loneliness and jealously towards the women he would spend so much alone time with led to huge crying spells. He would be able to explain everything and over time I became the emotional and unpredictable one. I needed to be cared for; he wanted to "fix" me.
He later said that he could never make me happy, that it was impossible for him to fix me. And he was right, but not because I was beyond repair.
............
His email included a reminder that I got everything - the house, furniture, the weird/cool household maintenance tools that he deemed unimportant enough to leave behind: rakes, a few screwdrivers, box cutter, socket thingies, but where is the part they snap into?
I did end up with all of these items but only because he left them/us behind. While he was moving out, when asked about what he wanted to take, my pummeled heart received another punch when he didn't want much. It was like he wanted no memories of the "us" portion of his life to follow him on to greener pastures. Why is he now saying between the lines that I'm ungrateful for making use of the objects he rejected? That's much easier to answer than "how is it possible that we matured into our 30's in such different directions?"
............
Sifting through the garage odds and ends was unfortunately short lived. Where health is concerned, you will not believe the series of events during my blogging hiatus but it is indeed all true.
3 weeks ago a day long fever evolved into conjunctivitis in both eyes, laryngitis for 5 days and a round of antibiotics (I was negative for strep at this time). Instead of getting better my throat became even more sore. Today my health care provider diagnosed a viral infection AND a strep infection. Already this round of antibiotics is helping. Since I was sent home from work until 24 hours of antibiotics were completed and I don't feel that bad besides a cough and raw throat, it seemed like a great time to tidy the garage. I kid you not after about 30 minutes I tripped over an extension cord (so essentially nothing) and landed hard on my knee onto the concrete floor. It didn't swell up too bad (I say this even though almost all of the definition of my knee is gone, despite hours of ice and ibuprofen) so I'm waiting before seeing a doctor but walking is painful and since I'm in cootie isolation SnuggleBunny can't come over to help me.
My blogging hiatus was intended to be all about action and experiences and while I have had some great times, the Universe seems to want me to be still. So here I am, reluctantly acquiescing to a period of rest. It's frustrating but my spirits are oddly good! Things are not going as planned, I have been in minor pain and tired for 3 weeks, I've replaced contact lenses, mascara, and toothbrushes, bought new glasses (easing the insult of pink eye by replacing glasses that were a nearly decade old), I may have messed up my knee (cross your fingers that it will just be a bad bruise), I have missed work, I am adjusting to a higher dose of wel.bu.trin. But also I'm not sinking into depression or becoming engulfed with anger when I think about how difficult my husband is being. He is simply behaving as he often did by ignoring me until responding in a demeaning manner and defending himself, but instead of following the habit of negative reaction I think "this is how he is, why would I expect anything else?"
I wish he could really hear me but it is impossible. Anyway, that's all for tonight.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Screech!
X, I hate you. I wish you were not in my life AT ALL you greedy, fucking jerk.
I am not beaten down and I will not give into his wishes. Just needing a little support. I need to reassurance that I can stand up for myself.
:(
I am not beaten down and I will not give into his wishes. Just needing a little support. I need to reassurance that I can stand up for myself.
:(
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
How the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing went in rank order of how badly the statements hurt.
1. When he talked about when he decided to leave - It was a premeditated decision about our marriage that he made without consulting me. I think the date was November 9, 2008 when during a conversation he was in someone said that, in a relationship, if the bad times outnumber the good times the relationship should end. On the 16th he told me we were "incompatible" and that was the beginning of the end. I actually thought he was planning this for much longer than a week so some of the pain has faded. He never mentioned that he was had decided to divorce; he never gave the option for discussing it.
2. His decision to leave wasn't because of anything I did - So the separation sucker punch wasn't because he was so angry at me that he meant to deliver extra hurt; he just didn't consider me important enough to let me in on his plans of completely changing his life. Like I didn't exist. Like I was merely an outworn accessory to his life - an annoying aspect of himself that he was ready to cut away.
That's what it feels like on my end anyway.
His explanation was that he needed to be happy and apparently "happy" had to be sought elsewhere. It had been an amazingly difficult year with Toren dying and the ex being laid off several months later. It was hell.
He needed to be happy.
NEEDED TO BE HAPPY
I needed to be happy too. He got happier, I got unhappier. He escaped hell by pushing me deeper in. But who cares as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it.
I didn't do anything wrong... except "be".
3. He said he still wants a family - ow ow ow ow
..................................
It was a collision of emotions.
fear
dread
eager anticipation of soul soothing answers
compassion
relief that he's doing well
caring for him (yes I gave him $)
annoyance
anger
But mostly the sense of rejection that quietly, constantly courses through my veins was brought to the surface. Choking rejection.
..................................
All of these emotions linger for a marriage and someone I don't want anymore. I don't want to be back with him, but I don't want to be the invisible person who is so easy to leave. I don't want to always remember that I mattered so little to someone who claimed to love me.
Overall, the meeting went really well and although it stirred up bad memories and did not provide a sense of completion I know that closure is coming - it's just something I will work towards alone.
Also, I finally can imagine the sense of freedom that a completed divorce will provide.
Also, as you all know, I'm not in hell anymore. I recovered.
1. When he talked about when he decided to leave - It was a premeditated decision about our marriage that he made without consulting me. I think the date was November 9, 2008 when during a conversation he was in someone said that, in a relationship, if the bad times outnumber the good times the relationship should end. On the 16th he told me we were "incompatible" and that was the beginning of the end. I actually thought he was planning this for much longer than a week so some of the pain has faded. He never mentioned that he was had decided to divorce; he never gave the option for discussing it.
2. His decision to leave wasn't because of anything I did - So the separation sucker punch wasn't because he was so angry at me that he meant to deliver extra hurt; he just didn't consider me important enough to let me in on his plans of completely changing his life. Like I didn't exist. Like I was merely an outworn accessory to his life - an annoying aspect of himself that he was ready to cut away.
That's what it feels like on my end anyway.
His explanation was that he needed to be happy and apparently "happy" had to be sought elsewhere. It had been an amazingly difficult year with Toren dying and the ex being laid off several months later. It was hell.
He needed to be happy.
NEEDED TO BE HAPPY
I needed to be happy too. He got happier, I got unhappier. He escaped hell by pushing me deeper in. But who cares as long as he got what he wanted when he wanted it.
I didn't do anything wrong... except "be".
3. He said he still wants a family - ow ow ow ow
..................................
It was a collision of emotions.
fear
dread
eager anticipation of soul soothing answers
compassion
relief that he's doing well
caring for him (yes I gave him $)
annoyance
anger
But mostly the sense of rejection that quietly, constantly courses through my veins was brought to the surface. Choking rejection.
..................................
All of these emotions linger for a marriage and someone I don't want anymore. I don't want to be back with him, but I don't want to be the invisible person who is so easy to leave. I don't want to always remember that I mattered so little to someone who claimed to love me.
Overall, the meeting went really well and although it stirred up bad memories and did not provide a sense of completion I know that closure is coming - it's just something I will work towards alone.
Also, I finally can imagine the sense of freedom that a completed divorce will provide.
Also, as you all know, I'm not in hell anymore. I recovered.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Thought # 1 while driving from the meeting with the guy I'm divorcing.
"He's mine"
The ex is just now starting to deal with Toren's death - he even referred to the baby by his name repeatedly, "Toren". At the time the ex left he did not mention the baby, he didn't want to hear about it, and he certainly didn't say his name.
As requested, I gave him directions to the cemetery and the plot and the place where I keep Toren's things in the communal grave for the ashes of babies. And I told him that I still have the memory box and CD of photos that he can see if he wants to.
Now I'm uncomfortable with the ex visiting Toren's grave. The ex "abandoned" us, he ignored the memory of his son. I feel like he is just MY BABY by now. I don't want to share Toren with his father, even though Toren is only a soul, memory, and ashes.
Weird.
"He's mine"
The ex is just now starting to deal with Toren's death - he even referred to the baby by his name repeatedly, "Toren". At the time the ex left he did not mention the baby, he didn't want to hear about it, and he certainly didn't say his name.
As requested, I gave him directions to the cemetery and the plot and the place where I keep Toren's things in the communal grave for the ashes of babies. And I told him that I still have the memory box and CD of photos that he can see if he wants to.
Now I'm uncomfortable with the ex visiting Toren's grave. The ex "abandoned" us, he ignored the memory of his son. I feel like he is just MY BABY by now. I don't want to share Toren with his father, even though Toren is only a soul, memory, and ashes.
Weird.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I'll be everything I'm not
It is very sad that our marriage couldn't help but be as it was. We were both so young and we both came from unpredictable/unsafe households. Neither of us had developed a healthy sense of self yet. Neither one of us could possibly be what each other needed.
Such a long friendship and long, so often unsatisfying, marriage ended so suddenly, irrecoverably, and SILENTLY.
Early in January the ex and I will meet so he can provide an explanation for why he left the relationship so suddenly, without giving an excuse beyond our "incompatibility". Finally some answers are on the horizon.
It's a little nerve-racking. I don't know what he is going to say. My therapist and I are going to prepare for the worst.
The worst case scenario is that this will be his opportunity to vent over a decades worth of frustration with me. And I kind of deserve it; there were countless times when I was a lousy wife - too emotional, too erratic, too depressed. I hate to think back on the "married me", I hate that she existed. My entire existence and personality were limited to reacting to being subtly neglected, demeaned, manipulated, and betrayed. That's all he knows of me.
.....
You know, I'm not one to look for a fucking silver lining but Toren's death was a catalyst, which looks like such a stupid statement written here because how can anybody not crawl out of the hell that is losing a child without becoming a new being? What I mean is that our marriage was not strong enough to survive Toren's death and who knows how long that union would have limped along without that extreme stress. Who knows if it ever would have morphed into the type of relationship I craved had Toren lived.
I want Toren just as always, but I want my marriage less and less the further I get from it. Both losses are simultaneously intertwined and completely distinct. While I will yearn for Toren forever I don't want the circumstances he would've/could've/should've been born into.
It all feels so raw right now.
.....
Chrysalis. In the 13 months since we stopped being a couple I have turned into someone different. Deadbaby, impending divorce, tons of therapy, psychiatric medications, making my own decisions, and thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm no longer "married me". Developing confidence and independent thinking co-exist with the vulnerability of knowing that a whole closet full of shoes can drop on you at any time.
He'll never know who I've turned into.
.....
This song is helping me process what I feel about meeting the ex. I want to be ready to be forever misunderstood by him without becoming overwhelmed with regret, shame, and negative emotions.
Lightning Field by the Sneaker Pimps
Sweet video with a short portion of the song
Full version, live, with Chris Corner perfectly adorable and drool worthy
Strike me down
Give me everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Count the questions on one hand
You don't ask me what I planned
Strike me down
Should have asked me what went wrong
Strike me down
Should have stayed away too long
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Chance me now
I'll be everything I'm not
Hope's the child of what luck brings
Points to faith in higher things
Ask me now
Fire at everything at once
Strike me down
Take it any way you want
Strike me down
Better left it all unknown
Strike me down
Should have left it all alone
Wash the questions off my hands
I'm the fate in no one's plans
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Such a long friendship and long, so often unsatisfying, marriage ended so suddenly, irrecoverably, and SILENTLY.
Early in January the ex and I will meet so he can provide an explanation for why he left the relationship so suddenly, without giving an excuse beyond our "incompatibility". Finally some answers are on the horizon.
It's a little nerve-racking. I don't know what he is going to say. My therapist and I are going to prepare for the worst.
The worst case scenario is that this will be his opportunity to vent over a decades worth of frustration with me. And I kind of deserve it; there were countless times when I was a lousy wife - too emotional, too erratic, too depressed. I hate to think back on the "married me", I hate that she existed. My entire existence and personality were limited to reacting to being subtly neglected, demeaned, manipulated, and betrayed. That's all he knows of me.
.....
You know, I'm not one to look for a fucking silver lining but Toren's death was a catalyst, which looks like such a stupid statement written here because how can anybody not crawl out of the hell that is losing a child without becoming a new being? What I mean is that our marriage was not strong enough to survive Toren's death and who knows how long that union would have limped along without that extreme stress. Who knows if it ever would have morphed into the type of relationship I craved had Toren lived.
I want Toren just as always, but I want my marriage less and less the further I get from it. Both losses are simultaneously intertwined and completely distinct. While I will yearn for Toren forever I don't want the circumstances he would've/could've/should've been born into.
It all feels so raw right now.
.....
Chrysalis. In the 13 months since we stopped being a couple I have turned into someone different. Deadbaby, impending divorce, tons of therapy, psychiatric medications, making my own decisions, and thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm no longer "married me". Developing confidence and independent thinking co-exist with the vulnerability of knowing that a whole closet full of shoes can drop on you at any time.
He'll never know who I've turned into.
.....
This song is helping me process what I feel about meeting the ex. I want to be ready to be forever misunderstood by him without becoming overwhelmed with regret, shame, and negative emotions.
Lightning Field by the Sneaker Pimps
Sweet video with a short portion of the song
Full version, live, with Chris Corner perfectly adorable and drool worthy
Strike me down
Give me everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Count the questions on one hand
You don't ask me what I planned
Strike me down
Should have asked me what went wrong
Strike me down
Should have stayed away too long
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Chance me now
I'll be everything I'm not
Hope's the child of what luck brings
Points to faith in higher things
Ask me now
Fire at everything at once
Strike me down
Take it any way you want
Strike me down
Better left it all unknown
Strike me down
Should have left it all alone
Wash the questions off my hands
I'm the fate in no one's plans
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Just sayin'
The breakup of a long term relationship is HARD. Wow is there ever a huge collision of conflicting emotions involved! No wonder my head is spinning so much of the time.
That's all for now - too dizzy.
That's all for now - too dizzy.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Stalling to "submit"
I've made my health insurance selections for next year, except for clicking the "submit" button to make it official. I'm just ordering insurance for one, just me. I get to select whatever plan I want and don't need to discuss the pros and cons of each plan with anyone, and this freedom makes my head spin and my stomach ache. Perhaps tomorrow I can submit to a solo insurance plan.
Papers have not been filed yet but I plan on getting divorced soon and today that thought squeezes my chest. I miss him. Just right now. And I feel guilty for missing him because I have found another great guy, and I feel guilty for being so happy with the great guy because I cared for my husband so much it seems impossible that I could move on from that.
Today something happened that upset me and my husband knows exactly what to do in situations like that but the new guy totally bombed in offering support.
.......................
It's just been one of those weeks (already!) where I can't seem to do anything right. Although, just when I was SURE that I had just skipped my first period, signaling premature ovarian failure, today it arrived in full force, lured to the white panties I'm wearing. The now stained, soggy and sticky panties.
Anyway, that's good news. To kill time while waiting for my period I P'dOAS twice. Fuck if that action isn't exploding with emotions.
Last Friday I added new medications to my antidepressant cocktail. Sunday I'll add in hormonal contraception.
The calendar is ticking down to October 31 and I feel like I'm going to scream as people chatter on about costumes and parties. I can still feel being in room after room getting ultrasound after ultrasound, watching my son moving, seeing that he was alive with a strong heartbeat, while at the same time hearing about the organs he didn't have - kidneys, both missing... stomach ... bladder... all absent.
Anything that pretends to be scary repels me. Forget stupid, gory costumes, houses of horror and scary movies - the sequence of events at that ob visit were truly terrifying, true horror. Part of me is still stuck feeling overwhelmed by sorrow, fear, and rage at having to make the decision of when my son would die... I see no sense in feeling terrified by fake dead bodies and such.
I need to move to a smaller, windowless office at work to make room for new faculty. I'm trying to be accommodating and gracious about it but really I feel embarrassed, like I wasn't doing a good enough job to stay in my office, even though I know it just has to do with educational seniority.
And my car smells like it has a fuel leak. And my bank account is overdrawn.
.......................
With all of those worries and hormones and new medications and memories it's no wonder I feel "off". It's time to be good to me and take care of me. And it's time to go home and change out of these icky underpants.
Love to you all, thanks for listening to my whining.
Papers have not been filed yet but I plan on getting divorced soon and today that thought squeezes my chest. I miss him. Just right now. And I feel guilty for missing him because I have found another great guy, and I feel guilty for being so happy with the great guy because I cared for my husband so much it seems impossible that I could move on from that.
Today something happened that upset me and my husband knows exactly what to do in situations like that but the new guy totally bombed in offering support.
.......................
It's just been one of those weeks (already!) where I can't seem to do anything right. Although, just when I was SURE that I had just skipped my first period, signaling premature ovarian failure, today it arrived in full force, lured to the white panties I'm wearing. The now stained, soggy and sticky panties.
Anyway, that's good news. To kill time while waiting for my period I P'dOAS twice. Fuck if that action isn't exploding with emotions.
Last Friday I added new medications to my antidepressant cocktail. Sunday I'll add in hormonal contraception.
The calendar is ticking down to October 31 and I feel like I'm going to scream as people chatter on about costumes and parties. I can still feel being in room after room getting ultrasound after ultrasound, watching my son moving, seeing that he was alive with a strong heartbeat, while at the same time hearing about the organs he didn't have - kidneys, both missing... stomach ... bladder... all absent.
Anything that pretends to be scary repels me. Forget stupid, gory costumes, houses of horror and scary movies - the sequence of events at that ob visit were truly terrifying, true horror. Part of me is still stuck feeling overwhelmed by sorrow, fear, and rage at having to make the decision of when my son would die... I see no sense in feeling terrified by fake dead bodies and such.
I need to move to a smaller, windowless office at work to make room for new faculty. I'm trying to be accommodating and gracious about it but really I feel embarrassed, like I wasn't doing a good enough job to stay in my office, even though I know it just has to do with educational seniority.
And my car smells like it has a fuel leak. And my bank account is overdrawn.
.......................
With all of those worries and hormones and new medications and memories it's no wonder I feel "off". It's time to be good to me and take care of me. And it's time to go home and change out of these icky underpants.
Love to you all, thanks for listening to my whining.
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