Miasmatic Review

This one speaks to me.

In this new texting age, this speaks to me.

Stalker Valentine.

This guy just doesn't have the right idea on how to win her over.

Some of these would have saved me money

Have you ever seen a movie poster and thought, "hey that movie looks neat"? Then when you see the movie, you realized that the only neat thing about the movie was the poster. Yea, I've been suckered in time and time again by trailers and movie posters. Wouldn't it be nice if movie posters were more like this:

Yea, that one would have saved me the $50 (tickets plus snacks for the family).

Here's a collection of If Movie Posters Told The Truth.

Evolution of Dance.

I believe everyone has seen the original Evolution of Dance that came out a couple of years ago. If not, click on the link and watch it, it's hilarious.

Then when you are done watching it, you can watch the sequal, Evolution of Dance 2. It's not as good as the original, but still funny.

Battle of the online Social Networks.

Okay, I admit I have a Myspace Page. I use it mainly to play some online games, oh and to keep intouch with some of my fellow Zombie hunters. I don't have any other accounts, and this video is kind of why.

However, they could have thrown in blogging into the mix. HA!

A little pre-Christmas laughter.

Okay, I know this is not your typical holiday clip, but it's rather funny. It's also questionably NSFW.

Oh yea... that antler surprise...

Carol of the Bottles

Just to spread a little holiday cheer... here is an alcohol fueled version of the timeless classic Carol of the Bells.

Dive bombing cows.

I found this clip over at I Hate My Cubicle. It's a clip of what appears to be a bi-plane vs a cow.... that's right a cow.

It's at the end, but watch as the cow goes tumbling!

I laughed so hard I got a cramp.

This hits close to home.

I saw this comic and had to share it with Ktreva. Her reaction is she wasn't sure if she should laugh or shake her head in shame because I could easily have been the kid knocking on the door.

Yea, now if you'll excuse me, I need to go seal the 1,200 rounds of ammo I bought yesterday in air tight bags...

The end is near!

If the world actually comes to an end, how do you think the major news sources would report it? Over at Miss Celania she has an End of the World Headlines post up on what she thinks some of them will be. A couple of my favorites:

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

So true.

My blogless friend Smokepoles sent me this little joke.

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,'and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

Yea, it's the moral of the story that really rings true this year.

The Fresh Prince of Gotham

There are a ton of Dark Knight parodies out there, but this one is actually funny.

The Fresh Prince meets the Joker..

When good umbrellas go bad.

Here's another video that is funny in that haha, it' happened to someone else kind of way. Just keep watching the moving umbrellas.

I'm the Batman!

Last week I took the family to see The Dark Knight prior to my leaving for Oklahoma. We all enjoyed the movie and thought it was pretty good. So when I saw this parody today, I just had to share it. Don't watch it if you haven't seen the movie, it may contain some spoilers that aren't in the trailer.

Bringing back the classics

For all of you Muppets fans, here's Beeker doing Ode to Joy.

It's not just my office.

Okay, my office doesn't break out nerf guns and start shooting each other, but there is a definite division between the departments. Plus my peers and upper management in my office would never, ever be this much fun.

That's just not right...

...funny, but not right. I'll warn you now, that this video has mature content and could be questionable for work. There is no nudity nor harsh language. All I can say is that this is one warped babysitter.

Engineer's guide to cats.

This is for all of you engineers and pet lovers out there.

I found the portion of cat yodeling to be rather amusing. Personally, I would have loved if they had addressed the issue of the spayed female cat pissing all over the house.

What happened to 80's metal?

Patton Oswalt did a comedy routine based on what happened to 80's Metal. Anyone that loved metal back than will probably find this hilarious.

I particularly love the ending about Damn Yankees... because I remember that video and was laughing AT it when I first saw it. Don't get me wrong, Ted Nugent Rocks, but that was just stupid.

Lucas in love.

I know that I normally post stuff like this on a Saturday, but a friend of mine just sent it to me and I don't want to wait a week. It's kind of long, but funny. It's a spoof of Shakespeare in Love and the Star Wars Trilogy.

Live action Simpsons?

If they did a live action version of The Simpsons. How would they get a guy to look like this: Real Homer.

If you think that is creepy, check out real mario.

Both by Pixeloo.

Turbo Heather!

I probably should save this for closer to Christmas when all of those annoying commercials come out regarding new toys, but I'll forget by then. You know the commercials I'm talking about. The ones for the pretty dolls that all the girls want or the really annoying RC Car ones about how their cars can do all these neat tricks. However, they hardly if ever work the way they are shown on the commercial.

Now we have a commercial that combines the two together, Turbo Heather!

It makes me want to go get one.

lists

I stumbled upon two lists this week, both of them amusing. Mainly because it's either observations I think most people have made and ridiculed, or because it's something that hits close to home.

The first is 40 things that only happen in movies. I think we've all seen enough movies to be able to place which movie or movies each item is making fun of. My favorite is: "If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear." Yea, like women walk around in their underwear. If they do, someone please let me know where?

The second is Things we've learned from playing RPGs (Role Playing Games). Most of the items on this list seems to come from video game RPGs, but there are ones that apply to the standard dice versions as well.

It's okay. It wasn't its fault.

I know I have poor grammar and I misspell words, I'd like to think it's part of my charm. Some people I know find this highly annoying. That's why I found it highly amusing when a friend of mine sent me the following image after I accidentally used it's wrong.

I really do know when to use the correct one, I just made a mistake. it's not my fault!

But it's true.

I did two things yesterday that gave me an epiphany.

Boopie is turning 15 and is getting ready to start driving. So I stopped at a car dealership just to get an idea of how much a decent used car runs. I explained to the salesman that I really wasn�t buying at this time, but I just wanted to get an idea of what I�m going to be looking at over the next year. There were some cars on the lot that had a good price on them and seemed to be in decent condition. After speaking with the salesman about the cars, I knew what I was going to need to be looking at when the time finally arrives.

Last night I caught the speeches from the three leading candidates for president; Obama, Clinton and McCain. I listened to them give basically the same message. It was during the last speech that I realized something.

I trust the used car salesman more than these three.

I guess if you didn't know better.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a CUT -glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

As sent to me by blogless buddy Smokepoles.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Christmas

Jeff Dunham is what I consider the only truly funny ventriloquist comedian. Although not my favorite character of his, but this is too funny for the holidays.

Flow Chart Fun.

Anyone that has worked in the business world knows what a flowchart is. You've seen them at one point or another either in the idea phase, engineering phase or conception phase of planning. Here is a list of some of the funniest flowcharts on the Net.

It's so true.

How most holiday accidents happen.

Guys, make sure you get the right gift for that special woman in your life this year. You don't want to end up like one of these fools.

Yea.. unless they ask for it, any of these gifts are bad!

Superman... the lyrics.

Ever wonder what the lyrics to the Superman theme song was? Well wonder no more!

I know this is a parody, but it's really funny.

IM IN UR MANGER KILLING UR SAVIOR

What happens when three Live Action Role Playing (LARP) nerds are cast as the roll of the three wise men in a living nativity scene? Let me tell you, hilarity ensues. If you have any experience with fantasy movies or Dungeons and Dragons you'll really find this sacrilegiously funny.

Made by For Tax Reasons.

Lobo Vs. Santa

Shadoglare has some Christmas themed videos up to help everyone get into the spirit this time of year. Now I'm not a huge Christmas fan, but Ktreva and the boys are. Yet, I love the Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special.

I have the original comic book from when this first came out. Tonight I think I'm going to have to read it to Clone as a bed time story.

Christmas Shopping with an Attitude.

I know I posted this last year, but it just fits too well with everything that's been going on. For the first time ever I actually camped out to get a couple of gift items for the family. I can't tell you what they are yet, because some of the family members actually read here.

Yea, after dealing with angry parents and kids, I really wanted to drop kick a couple of people... well okay give them a noogie.

Bring back the business?

I know this is an older clip, but either Monday or Thursday night during the football game one of the announcers made a reference to this call.

I really would like to see this rule come back. Part of me would really love to see Ed Hochuli, my favorite ref, start calling this.

UPDATE: T1G pointed out that just last weekend a college ref made the same call which is why it was being talked about.

Biff answers questions.

Thomas Wilson, better known as Biff Tannen, the bully, from Back to the Future. I originally heard it on the radio yesterday morning while out buying ammo, after doing some searching I was able to find a video clip of it.

If you didn't enjoy that, then in the immortal words of Biff, "Butthead!"

Indecision 2008

Friend and long time reader Petey sent me this video clip for his candidate of choice, Mike Huckabee.

I'm in the Fred Thompson boat, but damn that was just too funny.

So you had a bad day.

The below clip is a hilarious compilation of people having a bad day at the office overreacting to their situation. To make it better they did it to the the song Bad Day by Daniel Powter. I know that at one point I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes... especially the guy with the axe.

Tales from the Far Side.

I know Halloween is over, but I found these and I have to share them. When I was in High School I discovered The Far Side by Gary Larson. I instantly loved the humor in it. From that time forward I would get the day by day calender he made until he retired and stopped making them. He started up the day to day calendar again, but with no new comics in it. Back in 1994 (Not the 20 years that the clips state) he came up with an animated Halloween special, Tales From the Far Side. As far as I know it only aired once. It's a collection of animated shorts based on some of his comics and other idea's he's had. In the third one it contains my favorite short from the series, "How aliens disguised as cowboys in the old west." To this day I still make references to this short around the campfire.

I have them listed in the order they were shown in the show, not in the order whoever uploaded them labeled them as.

How to Cope with Death.

Here is a funny animated short on how to deal with death when it comes.

A gentlemens Duel.

Here's an entertaining animated short that is rather amusing. It has an interesting steampunk theme to it. It runs just under 8 minutes, but it is worth the watch.

The Chewbacca Defense?

I've heard of people using various different defenses while in court. There is self-defense, insanity, temporary insanity, justification and many more that they can plead. Until now I've never heard anyone plea "I was Chewbacca."
See what happens when a Chewbacca impersonator goes in front of Judge Joe on an battery charge.

This guy(?) needs a life.

Yet another example of why I'm going to hell. This video clip is of either the gayest guy on the internet or a very masculine woman crying over Britney Spears being blasted by the media. I laughed so hard I almost popped a stitch.

Normally I would leave this for Saturday, but it's too good to hold onto.

UPDATE: Apparently Yahoo and ABC have gotten a hold of this video and think it's "news".

She sucks as a CSI.

Well we know what her social life is like.

I remember in college during my investigations class when I first learned about this technique. Shortly after I installed a black light in my room just to piss off my roommate. He had his girlfriend over all the time and well, they wouldn't necessarily clean too well.

Cheerleaders going down.

Okay, maybe it's because I'm a arsehole that I find this amusing. Maybe it's because I'm a bit on the sadistic side. Actually it's both of those and the deep seeded hatred I still have of Cheerleaders left over from High School. I'm not saying they aren't cute, and I don't want Ktreva to dress up as one at least once a month, but in general cheerleaders tend to annoy the crap out of me.

Since I found it funny and it is prime high school and college football time, I felt this video was appropriate. Enjoy Cheer leading routines gone bad.

Best singing Muppets.

Here is a blast from the past. A video clip of the Swedish Chef, Beaker and Animal singing one of the worst Irish songs ever, Oh Danny Boy. When they sing it, it's not bad.

High Tech Noon

If you like old westerns and/or Sci-Fi you will have an appreciation for this one. Someone took an old western added some special effects, digital enhancement and some sound effects and made it more futuristic.

Personally I love the sound effects when the six-blaster is out of ammo.

300 Mexicans

I loved the movie 300, and there are a lot of spoofs of the trailer out there, but I have to say this one made me laugh the hardest.

After watching this video, I just wonder how my mexican friend J-man would like this video.

And one for Jenny and the wimp!

When I was in High School I would listen to Dr Demento all the time. They always had a skit by The Frantics called Ti Kwan Leep featuring Ed Gruberman and a Martial Arts instructor discussing peace versus violence. This was very popular an The Frantics have come up with other skits with the �Boot to the Head� theme. This one, while not Ti Kwan Leap, is still very funny. Especially since someone put it into video game context.

Click to watch

and for watching that�

.. A boot to the head *THUMP*

Made with Dragon Fire.

I know I have many readers that are, like myself, a fan of the Muppets. Here is a clip from a 1966 presentation to the La Choy company for a Muppets themed commercial. It�s mostly in black and white and runs almost 8 minutes, but there is some funny stuff in there.

Anyone else think they have an issue with fire?

So true.

Normally I don't post too many jokes on here, but I couldn't help but laugh at this one. Probably because every male football fan I know has been in a similar situation.

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Bears lost, but at least I got laid.

So that's how it works.

I was never quite sure how the mouse pointer moved across the screen.

Now I know.

Perfectly Aligned.

It�s amazing, you can find that perfect someone for you. That person that you know you could spend the rest of your life with. One that would completely make you happy in every way. But there�s just one thing that screws up the entire relationship. .

The Farce is Strong with This One.

I generally don�t watch cartoons. But a friend of mine sent me this link saying I need to watch this video. He thought that my Star Wars geekdom would appreciate the clip. He was right. It�s a 25-minute clip of the Robot Chicken Star Wars Special. If you like Star Wars, it�s worth the watch. They really do a great job of parodying Star Wars. I love their take on some of the �off screen� interactions of characters from the movie.

FIRED!

Here is a good reason to not mix love and work. IE don�t try to find that special someone in the work place. Bad things can happen. There is some harsh language.

Pop Rock Off.

This was sent to me as a banned pop-rocks commercial. Just watching it you will know it's not an actual commercial, but something that someone made. It's completely NSFW.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Yesterday I hung out with my buddy Shadoglare and LittleJoe. We spent the day watching a bunch of cheesy movies. Most of them can't even be counted as B movies, as that would be too much of an overstatement. Hey, what can I say, I love cheesy, bad movies. Anyway, one of the movies we watched was Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. This movie was wrong on many different levels, very funny, but wrong. Anyway, here is the dance seen from that movie featuring Jesus and the Jesus Christ Dancers:

It's just too bad that you all missed my interpretation of the dance afterwards. Apparently I permanently mentally scared everyone that saw it.

CILF

There are people that like cartoons, then there are people that LIKE cartoons, and finally we have the people that want to do them.

Warning the subject matter of this clip is for mature audiences as well as the language. So, yea it�s Not Safe For Work. With that enjoy C.I.L.F. (Cartoons I�d Like to F@#k) by Zachariah.

I�m just upset he left Lois from the Family Guy out of it.

Yes, I meant Lois...

But it's true!

Okay, I don't want to steal any of the schtick that is in this clip, but it's true. I think most people have seen or at least heard of the Webcam dance phenomenon. You know this were people (mainly guys) watch girls dance over the internet. Chances are most of you have at least seen one of these, or you may be addicted to it and spend thousands of hours a month watching them. Well one of these girls came up with 10 things you've never seen in a webcam dance. At first it was okay, but when you get the the paranoia and scientology ones, it's pretty damn funny. There is no nudity, but I still wouldn't watch this at work.

More on immigration.

In light of Illegal Immigration issues that have come up this week, I thought this video was appropriate. County how many come jumping out and look at the officers run around not sure what to do. I think we need some training there folks, either that or remove the muzzle and let them open fire on those running. I think the best part is the Benny Hill music.

Sensitivity class gone wrong.

As we all know, I'm an expert at Sensitivity Classes. That's attending them, not instructing them. Yes, they have taught me many things, like what to do in order to not get caught. Anyway, so when I found this video it made me laugh. Unfortunately none of my classes were anything like this.

Yea, we knew what was going to happen, but did you really expect the ending?

Middle Earth A-Team

This is what happens when people have way too much free time. If you are a fan of the Lord of the Rings series, and loved the A-Team. You'll find this little video clip amusing.

More Superficial Friends

We have another episode of the Superficial Friends. This one isn�t as good as the last one, but the crude humor and the fact they are now making fun of blogging as well really makes it worth sharing. Oh, and definitely Not Safe For Work.

Batman's going to get shot in the Face.

When I was younger and watched the Superfriends, I always wondered why Batman was included. I mean c�mon he�s not actually super, he has no super powers. But I never thought of his brooding downside. This video is a little long, but if you are super hero or comic book fan, this is actually rather amusing.

No offense to blogspawn Bruce, but this is amusing. And yes I know that means I�ve posted two super hero clips today thus advancing me in the geek pantheon.

Update: Sorry, I've corrected the video.

Fast Times at Hero High

I found this one over at I Hate My Cubicle (NSFW). Imagine all of your favorite superheroes in High School together.

I love how Bruce Banner is a geek and Cyclops is pretty damn nerdy. Although Thor as a stoner is hilarious.

My Humps

I don�t like this song. In fact I don�t like Fergie at all, her songs are about as lyrically intellectual as a conversation with my four year old. That and the fact she feels she has to spell a word in each and every one of her songs to prove she are S-M-A-R-T, annoys me beyond rage. On the other side I�m not a huge Alanis Morissette fan. Other then her involvement with Kevin Smith, I don�t think she�s all that great. But at least I respect her lyrics and don�t hate her music. However, when Alanis makes a parody of Fergie�s �My Humps�, I couldn�t help but laugh.

She turned a trite piece of crap into a psuedo movie ballad, hilarious.

Superficial Friends.

I have to rate this video ENSFW� that�s EXTREMELY Not Safe For Work. Sure there is no nudity, but content and theme is really out there. With that being said, this is pretty damn funny. The Superficial Friends and Britney Spears go after Hillary Clinton.

They�ve managed to make fun of celebrities, politics and the media all in one clip.

New Documentary.

A lot of my readers have sent me links talking about a new documentary coming out soon. Then I found a trailer for it. The documentary is called Fido and it�s about the domestication of the zombie.

Folks this is wrong, just wrong. And I�m not just talking about the parts were there is some alleged hot(?) human on zombie action. We should not be domesticating the zombie. We should be killing the zombie. They are an abomination and should be destroyed. I�m pretty sure this is happening in California somewhere. Just another reason that state should be pushed off into the ocean.

Brokeback of the Dead.

There�s wrong, there�s more wrong, and then there is most wrong. This has to be one of the most wrong things I�ve seen for a while. Since I found this, I figured I had to share it.

I�m going to go kill some zombies now.

It only needs a bodhran.

Okay, this is about a week late, but it�s still funny. Ever wonder what if the Beatles were Irish, what would their music sound like?

Sure the guy seems to be a conservative bashing liberal, but this clip is still funny.

More cross themed videos.

Some people have way too much free time on their hand. To fill the time they take two of their obsessions and combine them together into one. Such as this Star Wars/Monty Python combination.

Don�t underestimate the powers of the black knight.

The Joke is on her.

I�m not sure if this story is true or not, but damn it�s funny anyway.

The sad thing is that I�ve known women like this. They would rather have a miserable marriage with a man who they �trapped� by getting pregnant, than to actually fall in love with someone.

Violence of the Lambs.

What the heck is going on folks? First I saw this Cartoon this morning:

Then I found this:

I�m just wondering what statement the creators of both are trying to make.

How it should be.

Yesterday during the Super Bowl, in which my prediction was completely wrong, they aired some pretty lame adds. (Cough)Snickers(Cough). There were a couple that where really good. This one was actually funny:

Back when I was conducting a lot of interviews, I was starting to get tired of them and made a joke, �Lets just draw a circle out in the parking lot and let them fight for it. The last one standing gets the job.� I�m just glad to see that I�m not the only one that has had that thought.

They're making a come back!

Did you ever have a video game you really liked, one that you would go out of the way to play? After you got tired of the game, or moved on to a new one, did you ever wonder what happened to the characters? Well, neither did I. Until now, that is. When I was in high school my friends and I were into Street Fighter 2. It didn�t matter if it was the arcade version or the one that was on the Nintendo.

This morning while sirfing the net, I found these:

Street Fighter: The Later Years
(Click the square to start each video)

It appears more are coming.

I would have never guessed.

We all know of all the tragic effects of various mind altering substances on people. Yet some people still deny they do anything negative. A study was done using common wood spiders to see exactly what those effects where.

Beware, the Crack spider�s language is a little harsh.

Holy night of the living dead.

Everybody loves a good Christmas Carol. Well apparently Zombies do too. I didn�t know zombies could sing so well.

Isn�t that just the most lovely rendition of Holy Night?

Three little Pigs.

When I was in College the band Green Jelly came out. Orriginally they named themselves Green Jell-O, but those damn corporate lawyers made them change their name due to some copyright BS. I actually had a their original CD, Cereal Killer, with the Green Jell-O name on it, I say had as that after getting married and having kids anything I own pretty much becomes public domain. Thus it is subject to being borrowed, loaned out or destroyed with out anyone telling me. I have no idea where the CD is now.

I also had the Video album of all their songs. Yes, that was past tense as well. This was the best song on that album.

Dance badger, dance!

We all remember the entertaining and earworming badge, badger flash animation. This is what happens when someone drops mushrooms, mushrooms and takes the badgers to a rave.

Tragic Death

The burger wars have finally gone too far.

Now Grimace is going to put a cap in the King�s arse for revenge.

Fun With Food.

A couple having trouble in the bedroom seeks the help of a well-known sex counselor. During their initlal consultation, the professional tells the couple they need to undergo a routine physical, and after completion, she will be able to help.

The couple does as they are instructed, and they come back a week later.

"OK! After reviewing my physicians notes, we're ready to start." she says. "I see that you two are both in great health, and in your questionaire you both stated that you genuinely love each other. So let's start somewhere. What seems to be the problem?"

After uncomfortable glances at one another for a brief moment, the man's wife speaks up.

"Well, I'm still very attracted to him, that's not an issue. I guess we've run out of things to try," she says.

"Have you tried grapes and doughn.u.t.s?" the counselor asks.

"I beg your pardon?" the man replies.

"Grapes and doughn.u.t.s. Go to the store tonight, and buy both. When you get home, go to your bedroom, undress, and you sir get on the bed. Have your wife play ring toss with the doughn.u.t.s, and... well..."

"Um, ok?" he says.

"When she lands a ring toss on the pole, her prize is to eat the doughn.u.t off of... the pole," says the counselor.

"Ahh... I get it." says the man.

"What about the grapes?" asks the woman.

"After he's aroused from the game of ring-toss, trade places and get on the bed. Have him try to make a field goal by flicking a grape into... your..." the counselor stalls.

"OK, I get it, and his prize is to fetch the grape, right?" she asks.

"Yes, you've got it! Now go to the store, and get home!" commands the counselor.

That night, the couple did exactly what was stated. Each ring toss that she got, she ate the doughn.u.t off, and every time he scored a field goal, he would fetch the grape out with his tongue. The couple was so amazed by the results that they shared their success story with a couple of friends who were having bedroom trouble as well.

"Here's the number, give her a call. I guarantee you won't be sorry!" says the woman to her friend.

So the new couple goes to see the therapist, and again, after the initial visit and physical, the couple returns for their news.

The counselor is pacing back and forth in her office as they walk in.

"Sit down, sit please... I'm not sure how to..." the counselor blurts out. "I don't think I'll be able to help you."

"WHAT? NO WAY. You solved our friends problem, why can't you help us?" begs the man angrily.

"I just can't. This is very difficult for me to say..." she says.

"What is the problem doctor? Won't you at least try?" begs the man's wife.

"I don't know..." the couselor stalls.

"Please, you've got to understand, we've tried four or five doctors before you. We've got to have an answer to our problem!" says the man's wife.

After many seconds of stumbling over thoughts, and trying to find the right words, she finally speaks. "Well... OK... On your way home tonight, stop at the store. Buy some Cheerios, and some watermelons..."

As stolen from an e-mail sent to me by a friend.

A new ending.

Just a little fun for this Saturday, some people didn�t like the way the original Superman movie ended, so they came up with an alternative ending.

It may not be done with the best quality, but it�s still pretty funny. That and you have a cameo from Batman.

Oh Randy!

�Oh Randy, now that you�re here in Oakland, your tankin'. Wish we would send you away. Oh Randy! When I think of the coin that you�re bankin�, really need you to play.�

A tribute song to Randy Moss from a very disgruntled Oakland Raider fan to the tune of Barry Manilow�s Mandy. It�s just a matter of time before the fans revolt and shank the guy.

A Farley Towne special.

My Buddy Shadoglare told me I needed to check out Its Jihad Charlie Brown. Since I found much amusement in it, I figured it was my duty to share it with all of you. It's from the Dennis Leary Christmas Special. Which would be appropriate since I think he has no qualms about pissing everyone off. Still, funniest thing I've seen in a while.

Thanks Shadoglare, it made my morning!

Everything is sexy.

Halloween is right around the coroner, and for you ladies out there I�ve found a store to buy your costume at, Girls's Costume Warehouse.

They can even make Abe Lincoln Sexy.

Feelings.

I’m sure many of my readers remember the muppets. As a kid I loved The Muppet Show. The other day while searching through the net, I stumbled across this

Beaker singing Feelings.

Saturday Humor

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows XP on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows XP CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

****
A friend of mine sent this to me. I just had to share it. It's probably old, but it made me snicker.

His finger is itchier then chicken pox.

I’m not a fan of rap. In fact there are only a handful of rap songs I enjoy. However, I do loves me some humor. I ran across this video. It appears to be made by Jamie Kennedy, I’m not sure what for, but it’s funny. I mean, c’mon who thought Bob Sagat could be such a hard arse! BTW, before you click play, this is NSFW (Language) Let me introduce you to Rollin' w/ Sagat!

He’s got a c0ck like a donkey, hard as a rock!

A comedy 3000 years in the making.

Have you ever wondered what High School would be like in the time of Moses? Well, neither have I, but that doesn’t stop this from being a funny spoof. Take the Ten Commandments, set it in a modern High School, have Samuel L. Jackson as the principal, and you have 10 Things I hate About Commandments.

Click to Watch

Another Fantasy matchup.

I know there are many closet nerds and geeks out there. Sci-fi fans of all ages that try to hide it because they remember in High School the jocks kicking their ass for having an in depth conversation regarding what was better, Star Wars or Star Trek. Well after time people move on to what they compare and someone decided that he was going to find out what would happen if Neo from The Matrix fought Robocop.

Click to watch video

May the Farce be with you

When I was younger, Graumagus introduced me to a parody of Star Wars. Hardware Wars was one of the funniest spoofs I’ve seen. Just this morning while surfing the net I discovered that Pistolwimp.com actually had the full movie up on their site for all to watch.

Behold in all it’s glory and geekitude, Hardware Wars featuring Fluke Starbucker, Auggie Ben Doggie, Ham Salad and my personal favorite, Chewchilla the Wookie Monster.

Chewchilla the Wookie Monster and Ham Salad

Yes, there is a Sci-Fi dork hidden inside me.

Some lessons are hard learned.

We’ve all heard the old adage, don’t poke a caged tiger with a stick. Well apparently that applies to leopards too.

Never poke a leopard with a stick

I just want to know what the hell the park ranger was thinking, of all people that should know better.

And they say cops don't have a sense of humor

The following was sent to me in an e-mail. I guess because I worked in law enforcement for years I found this really amusing. That's also why I can see this being true. After working with many of the cops I have, I can think of at least one seperate cop to say each of the fifteen.

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.... The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.*"

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and, ah yes, the best one (although, I really like #8)...

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here."

*NCIC: National Crime Information Center. For those of you that don't know this is the national data base that is used to check if someone has a criminal history, is wanted or just a all around douche bag. A lot of states also have their own seperate database that they use in conjunction with this.

Married Life.

Phin asked, "Why do married men typically die before single men?"

The first thing that came to my mind was the three rings of marriage.

The Engagement Ring.

The Wedding Ring.

And the Suffer-RING

Bunnies need Braaaaiiiinnns!

We all know how much I love zombies, but what you might not realize is that I have a true love and appreciation of zombie documentaries movies. Then I stumbled upon this.

Night of the Living Dead in 30 seconds
(and re-enacted by bunnies)

It’s worth a quick chuckle.

Assistance is on the way.

We’ve all seen it, a parent trying to connect with their child. In the day and age we are in now, this gets more difficult. As technology takes over and builds a rift between parent and child it makes it harder for the parent to break through. Parents are trying to break into their kid’s world in order to understand or communicate with them. Maybe they started sending e-mails and messages to them via the computer, but the child rejects it because they don’t understand. Well those parents now have help.

The first and only English-to-12-year-old-AOLer translator!

That’s right, you can turn anything you type into a misspelled horror that any professional educator would have a heart attack reading. If you would like to see how this works, just check out the extended entry. I translated this post using it just so you can see how it works.

WE’V3 AL SEN IT A PAERNT TRYNG 2 CONACT WIT THEYRE CHILD1!!1!11! IN TEH DAY AND AEG WA R IN NOW THIS GATS MOR3 DIFICULT111!!1 WTF LOL AS TECHNOLOGY TAEKS OV3R AND BUILDS A RIFT BTWEN PAERNT AND CHILD IT MAEKS IT HARDER FOR TEH PAERNT 2 BREAK THROUGH1!1!11!1 WTF LOL PAERNTS R TRYNG 2 BRAAK IN2 THERE KID’S WORLD IN ORD3R 2 UNDERSTAND OR COMUNICAET WIT THEM!!!11 LOL MAYB THEY STARTED SANDNG E-MALES AND MASAEGS 2 THAM VIA TEH COMPUTER BUT DA CHILD REJ3CTS IT B/C THAY DON’T UNDARSTAND1!!!1111 LOL WAL THOSE PAERNTS NOW HAEV H3LP!1!1!1!

OMG WTF TEH FIRST AND ONLY ANGLISH-2-12-YEAR-OLD-AOL3R TRANSLA2R
TAHT’S!1!!

OMG WTF LOL RIGHT U CAN TURN ANYTHNG U TYP3 IN2 A MISP3L3D HOROR TAHT ANY PROF3SIONAL 3DUCA2R WUD HAEV A HEART ATAK READNG!1!!1!!1 OMG WTF IF U WUD LIEK 2 SE HOW THIS WORKS JUST CHEK OUT DA AXT3NDED 3NTRY11!!!1! I TRANSLAETD THIS POST USNG IT

Fear of Girls

There are dorks, there are geeks and there are nerds. If you combine the three of them together, you get these two guys.

Fear of Girls

This is absolutely hilarious, especially if you’ve ever played any kind of role-playing game like Dungeons and Dragons. It is long, 11 minutes, 12 seconds. Well worth the wait.

To brighten a gloomy day.

This was sent to me by a blogless friend. (No Harvey, he refuses to start a blog. I just don't have your powers of manipulation.) I felt I needed to share with all of you.

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the days conferencing.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barkeep, "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next, "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, give me a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt.?? Give me in Becks, da ist der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward, "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks." The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I!"

Jebus, The Musical!

A couple of weeks ago T1G told me he was thinking of going into the theater. I had thought he was just joking around. Then another friend sends me a link, a link that was most disturbing. Jebus… The Musical. HOLY CRAP! He did it! He made his dream of acting come true. We all know he has a Jebus complex. This might explain his mood right now.

Jebus will survive.

Okay, this clip starts pretty bad… goes to worse… and then towards the end it’s down right funny. Make sure to watch the whole thing, not just because I did, but also because if you don’t you’ll miss the best part. It’s not very long.

It's the final showdown!

Have you ever wondered what would happen if two heroes or super villains from different movies, TV shows or comics fought against each other? Well if you have, I then I have the video clip for you.

The ultimate showdown!

I will warn you the very catchy tune will ear worm you. Ktreva, Clone and I have been walking around for the past 24 hours humming it.

Force Farce

You always hear about those feuds where two neighbors don’t get along. Now imagine if you will if Obi-wan Kenobi and Jareth the Goblin King not only lived next door to each other, but also were feuding. To make it even more interesting, lets just pretend that Jareth has given up his Goblin king ways and has become a goat farmer. (Hey, it could happen!)

Jareth’s goats just won’t stay out of Obi-wan’s yard. This has been an on going feud for a while now. I bet your just wondering what that might look like. WELL I HAVE THE ANSWER FOR YOU!

Thanks to a blogless friend of mine that keeps sending me all these things.

Watch out for that cord!

A couple of weeks ago I saw a blog post regarding a kid at Northern Michigan University making the leaning tower of Pisa out of Jenga blocks. At the time I thought it was just another stupid stunt done by college students and blew it off. It hadn’t crossed my mind again… until today.

I can’t tell if that is a real event or staged. If it’s staged, the acting is horrible. If it’s real, that guy has to be the worse reporter I’ve ever scene and dumb as a box of rocks to boot.

Either way it was funny as all hell.

Men of the world, UNITE!

Men, are you tired of your wives pushing you around? Do you think that maybe there is some conspiracy to control your life? If so, I've discovered the organization for you:

They also provided me with this helpful little list:

Top 5 Reasons You're Going to Sleep on the Couch Tonight, Jack:

1. Your wife says you snore too loud (we both know you don't snore).

2. Your wife thinks you sided with her mother in an argument.

3. You made a playful, completely harmless joke about "doing" the nanny.

4. The nanny wears that smoking hot bikini of hers to the pool and your wife catches you scoping her out. Damn it.

5. You decide to sleep on the couch just to teach your wife a lesson (tactical error moron, she'd rather sleep by herself).

I'd like to add number 6 to the list.

6. You got into an arguement with your wife while drinking and ended up there. IE last night.

I expect complete conformity

I received these in an e-mail today. My e-mail didn’t say whom they where credited to, but I thought they where amusing, and the one about flavored water hits home.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket — water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

UPDATE: After a little research I've discovered these are part of a skit Bill Maher did on one of his shows.

Not like that!

Those of us that live in the North have the problem of our vehicles getting stuck in the snow on occasion. When this happens sometimes you need some help digging it, or more to the point towing out your vehicle. You need to be very careful, if you don’t bad things can happen. Bad expensive things can happen. If you are curious as to what I’m talking about, watch this video of some idiots trying to tow a car out of the snow improperly. (Completely work safe, and not at all disgusting)

Yea, their dad’s would be proud.

Talk about long winded.

A friend of mine sent this to me in an e-mail. Normally I don't post these, but after sensitivity class I found this one more amusing then usual. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all......

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this planet great, [not to imply that this planet is necessarily greater than any other planet or is the only planet in the known or unknown universe], and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Liberal Democrat way to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!

Wax on, Wack off.

Do you have friends that are hard to buy for? Furniture is always a good thing, especially if it is sexy furniture. How can furniture be sexy? Well check this guy out.

I don’t think I’d have a problem polishing those tables.

Bang-bang with the bling-bling.

Picture this scenario. You are getting ready to go out on the town for the night. Nothing will stop you from going, yet you know you’re going to run into someone that is going to start trouble. You’d like to bring something with for self-defense, but it’ll clash with your outfit. Oh what will you do?

Never fear folks, your buddy Contagion has the answer for you. Think brass knuckles! What’s that you say? “Sure they are shiny, but they just don’t look like jewelry.” How wrong you are, someone has been thinking about you and your needs! Rhinestone covered brass knuckles!

“These real brass knuckles have been covered in rhinestone make them chic, sexy, and dangerous.”

Better hurry up and get your pair for all the impending parties coming up!

Access denied... just type bypass.

How many times have you been watching a movie and get irritated by something they do with a computer? I know I do. My personal favorite annoyance is how monitors can be so bright they project the image onto the operator’s face. I spent hours playing with various monitors just to see if I could duplicate it. I was successful once, using a Proxima.

With people becoming more computer savvy every day, you would think Hollywood would at least try to not insult our intelligence. Yet, these are the same people that like to take historical events and turn them into farces of actual events. I swear their motto is, “Screw what really happened, we want more special effects!”

Over at annoyances.org someone took the time to actually list all of their pet peeves regarding The Use of Computer’s in Movies. It’s pretty amusing.

Video Funnies.

Just a little link fun for everyone tonight. With all the seriousness around here, I decided to lighten things up a little. First, as I haven’t seen anyone else post it yet this year, I felt I would be unoriginal and recycle something from Christmas past.

For all of you that have missed it years past, behold the Burger King Holiday! If you are easily offended, please read the disclaimer at the end of the page. I didn’t create it; I just shared it with you.

Secondly, I Hate My Cubicle has a link to the worst job ever. You have to watch the whole thing to really appreciate it, especially the end.

Whether or not any of this is safe for work depends on your company guidelines. I know mine would frown on my watching either at work.

So that's what the difference is.

I've heard a lot of people talking about how some guys have guts to do something, or it took balls to do something. I always thought they where interchangeable... until today. Today I had a minion slip me a piece of paper with the definition of the two on them.

GUTS....is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS.... is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You`re next!!!!"

It took guts for him to give me this at work.

If Men ruled the world.

I received this in an e-mail. Since I hadn't seen it in years, I thought you might enjoy it.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Paris Hilton, an alien?!?!?

I’m not a Paris Hilton fan. I think she’s an unattractive skank-ho. That wasn’t very nice of me, okay, I retract that; she’s an unattractive skank. I have no proof people have paid her for sex, so I really can’t legitimately make that accusation. Graumagus and I have discussed this, and he thinks she looks like a grey.

I think we have proof that she is actually an alien. Her face never changes! I don’t know if they doctored the photos much, but it looks like they just lined them up. That is what makes this very creepy, yet highly amusing.

I’m going to let my inner geek out a little bit this Saturday. Have you ever wondered what Picard, Riker and Data would be like if they were out on the town in the 90’s? Well neither have I. That is what makes this little animated clip so wrong; it means someone has. BTW, it may ear worm you.

Click picture to get full effect

In keeping with the Star Trek: The Next Generation theme. Check out this Seussicised version of an episode.

Halloween Humor

I know these are old, I've seen them before, but they still make me laugh.

Reasons Halloween is better then sex.

10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

Bonus: If you get a stomach ache, it wont last 9 months.

AND:

Ten things heard on Halloween that sound dirty, but aren't.

10. She's a goblin!

9. I'd like to get a little something in the sack tonight.

8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

6. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

5. Let me see your big sack!

4. Can I eat your Zagnuts?

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

2. You scared me stiff!

1. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

Gastro-intestinal fun!

WARNING>: Drink alert! Put your drink down and make sure your mouth is clear of any foreign fluids before clicking the links.

Over at The Sneeze we have the latest episode of Steve, Don't eat that! This time the food of choice is Silk Worm Pupas.

If you haven't read any of the Steve, Don't eat that! series you really should go read them all. These posts are hilarious.

Of course it doesn't run on Jello!

Tommy of Striving For Average has this funny spoof on how CNN spin's everything into Bush's fault. I'm generally not a political poster, but it made me almost squirt pop (not coke, not soda... POP) out of my nose.

If you want a quick chuckle, it's worth a view.

Due'nae make me keel haul ya, laddie!

It's national Talk Like A Pirate Day. That means today you can go out and annoy the people you work with by talking really funny and using innacurate terminology and, in most cases, a bad Scottish accent since people seem to think Pirates = Scottish, at least in my office.

They made me chuckle.

Since it is Friday on a holiday weekend, I thought I would start the day off with some amusing items I found this week on the internet.

First, we have an item that proves that computer geeks lack in neither imagination nor free time to be creative. This guy came up with his own animated video, using different formats, for Wang Chung’s “Everybody have fun tonight”. Go check out On The Cutting Room Floor of Oblivion. (You will have to click one of the two top links, depending on speed of internet access, to view the clip)

Next is for all of you job hunters out there. Over at Impact Lab, someone received one too many rejection letters. He came up with his a form rejection letter rejection letter. I know that sounds redundant, but if you read it, you’ll understand.

Finally, for all of you potential evil super criminals out there, I found a treatise on How to Destroy the World. This is a lengthy read, but rather amusing.

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

9 REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES

18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!

21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.

23. OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED

37. JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Pilfered from an e-mail sent to me.

Where's the laughs?

Every Wednesday I look forward to going over to VW’s to get my “Humor for the Dreaded Wednesday”. Upon arriving at One Happy Dog Speaks today, I discover no humor. Wait… how can this be?! My morning ground to a halt. My mind was in a vapor lock as I stared blankly at a post about the Wiggles, one of my nemesis… nemesi… nemesises… you know what I mean. Figuring that something tragic had happened to VW to prevent her or her guest blogger to post the Humor for the Dreaded Wednesday, I decided to once again take up the torch again and cover her.

There once was a married fireman who wanted to add some spice to his sex life. One night he told his wife that he wanted to make a change and he had an idea. He tells says to his wife, “At the station we have a system of bells to relay messages. Every time I hear those bells, it always causes my pulse to race and my adrenaline to pump. One bell tells us there is a fire. Two bells tell us that we need to report to the truck. Three bells is the signal for the truck to leave the station. What I’d like to do is incorporate that into our lovemaking. One bell we get undressed. Two bells we climb into bed and on three bells bell we start making love. What do you think?”

His wife responds, “More hose!”

UPDATE: Apparently I spoke too soon, VW has her humor for the dreaded Wednesday up on this post. I guess I was just too impatient.

Words of wisdom

Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together

and

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

and

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

and

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

and Finally

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously

These words of wisdom were dutifully stolen from various sources.

Did you grow up in a small town?

Here's a little test to see if you grew up in a small town. I personally didn't, however both of my parents did. That is why this is so funny, because it's too damn true.

1) You can name everyone you graduated with.

2) You know what 4-H means.

3) You went to parties at a pasture,barn gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt
road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the
scratches on thier legs from running through the woods when the party was
busted.(See #6)

4) You used to "drag" Main.

5) You said the "F" word and your parents knew it within the hour.

6) You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

7) You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you
were ( and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)

8) When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out in the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.

9) You knew which section of the ditch you would find the beer your buyer dropped off.

10) It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

11) The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

12) You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references.
Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses
left of the track field.

13)The golf course was only 9 holes.

14) You couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

15) Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you never owned
a dark vehicle for this reason.

16) The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty" but was actully
just like your town.

17) You referred to anybody with a house newer than 1965 as the "rich people."

18) The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.

19) Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town bar.

20) You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.

21) The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

22) Directions were given using THE spot light as a reference.

23) When you decided to walk somewhere for the exercise, 5 people would pull overand ask if you wanted a ride.

24) Your teachers called you by your older siblings names.

25) Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.

26) You could charge at any local store or write a check without any ID.

27) The closest McDonalds was 25 mile away (or more).

28) The closest mall was over an hour away.

29) It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

30) You've pee'd in a cornfield.

31) Most people went by a nickname.

32) You laughed your butt off reading this because you know its true, and you
forward it to evererybody who may have lived in a small town. Also to those who just don't know how great it is living in a small town.

This was stolen from an e-mail a friend (YES I DO HAVE ONE OR TWO!) sent me.