Miasmatic Review

Happy New Year to All!

From all of us here, we wish all of you a Happy New Year! We hope that this past year has been as good for you as it has been for us. To ring your New Year in properly, we leave you with an ancient Scottish New Year blessing.

Happy New Year
To One and All
Long Life Happiness
Peace and Prosperity to You
Lang may yer Lum Lou

(May there always be the warmth of a fire in the home and so employment and prosperity)

Sincerely

Contagion, Ktreva, Boopie and Clone.

When chihuahuas attack!

I noticed that I was getting a lot of google hits for “Pack Of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer”. I just had to see what the heck was going on so I brought up google and checked, sure enough I find this story, Pack of Angry Chihuahuas Attack Officer.

When I wrote this post, I was warned you! I foretold you all that this was going to happen. Now I’m just waiting for them to open up hunting season!

Doubt me will you?

In my Christmas dinner post I made the statement, “For those of you reading this worried about the effects of alcohol on the children, remember alcohol cooks out during the baking process. There was a minimal alcohol content left when it was finished.” In the comments, Harvey of Bad Example linked to a Kitchen Myths site that had the following information (Also found on numerous other sites.):

Alcohol added to boiling liquid removed from heat retained 85% of alcohol
Alcohol Flamed retained 75% alcohol
Alcohol stored overnight, no heat, retained 70% of alcohol
Alcohol baked, 25 minutes, not stirred into mixture retained 45% alcohol.
Alcohol baked/simmered, stirred into mixture retains:
15 minutes cooking time: 40% alcohol
30 minutes cooking time: 35% alcohol
1 hour cooking time: 25% alcohol
1.5 hours cooking time: 20% alcohol
2 hours cooking time: 10% alcohol
2.5 hours cooking time: 5% alcohol

Most of the sites I found that have this information state it comes from the US Department of Agriculture Nutrient Data Laboratory. Spending way too much time searching through the USDA Nutrient Data Laboratory website I was unable to locate any such study they have done nor documentation that coincides with this data. I’ve gone so far as to send them an e-mail to verify if the data is accurate. According to them, I should get a response in 5 business days. With the holiday, that should make it January 10th at the latest I should get a response. Until then, I’m going to just assume that the data given is accurate within acceptable levels of deviation.

Based on said data lets review how my statement stands up. Since the alcohol used in the whiskey sauce was stirred into a mixture (the Sauce, not the pudding itself), I’m going to use the data for “Alcohol baked/simmered, stirred into mixture” table. This is a completely unscientific study, so my results will be off.

First we used standard bourbon, at 80 proof or 40% alcohol by volume. When you are heating the original sauce it is simmered/boiled for 15 minutes. Now, this is not adding it to a boiling liquid then removing it from the heat, this is a mixture that is heated/simmered. It takes about 15 minutes simmering time. It is then poured over the bread pudding and baked for about it is baked for 45 minutes. Just for ease of this calculation I’m going to use the 1-hour baking/simmering time of 25% alcohol retention.

25% of 40% alcohol leaves 10% alcohol per volume.

My wife used 4 tablespoons of bourbon. Four tablespoons equal two fluid ounces. There are 1.5 ounces in your standard shot of alcohol. Thus there is a one and a third shot of alcohol in the recipe. The recipe makes six servings. That means there is two-ninths of a shot per serving.

Since we’ve already cooked down the alcohol to 10% alcohol per volume. That means that per serving there would be a trace amount of alcohol.

Thus I stick by my original statement: There was a minimal alcohol content left when it was finished.

It's time.

My grandmother is in the hospital again. The difference is that this time she is not going to be coming home. If she is released, my mother and aunt are taking my advice from the last time she was hospitalized and going to put her into a managed care facility, ie Nursing home.

My grandmother should have been put into one years ago. She’s been failing in health for a long time now. She has diabetes and other medical issues that cause her chronic pain. A year and a half ago she sold her home and moved in with my aunt because she couldn’t live on her own anymore due to chronic health issues. She refused to take care of her self, follow doctor’s orders and do her therapies. She continued to get worse. My mother and aunt felt it that if grandma were living with my aunt, she would have better supervision and take care of herself.

They where wrong. She would buy candy and hide it in the house, when my aunt was gone, she would eat it, thus not taking care of her diabetes. She still didn’t follow doctor’s orders and refused to do her therapies when my aunt asked her to. She just continued to get worse and worse. She can hardly walk, she can barely bend her knees and she has a form of Parkinson’s disease that is has almost completely taken over her ability to do anything on her own. The sad thing is that if she had just followed doctor’s orders years ago they know she wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad as she is now.

When she was brought into the hospital a couple of days ago, over an infection she has that if she had followed doctor’s order she wouldn’t have had, it was finally determined that she can not go back to my aunts. My aunt just cannot be there all day every day to take care of her, as she needs. My grandma is not happy with this decision. She keeps telling my mother and aunt that she feels she can go home. Fortunately, my mother and aunt disagree with her.

I called and talked to my grandma the other night, I can’t visit because she is in the infectious disease ward and I don’t dare expose my kids to nasty bugs floating around up there. When I spoke with my grandma, she sounded like she had a stroke. My mother, aunt and the hospital staff convinced me that she hadn’t it’s just the medication, pain, infection and Parkinson’s effecting her speech. This is not the woman I remember fondly from my childhood. I hate seeing her this way, and I don’t like hearing about her this way.

We know she won’t get better. She may live for many more years, or she may be dead as I write this. I’ve never had any illusions that I’m a good person, but how bad does it make me that I’m hoping and wishing for the later?

Scots know parties.

Have you ever been to a New Years party that is dull and boring? They suck, everything is quiet and people just set around having “gentle” conversations. That is why you need to find a Scot and go to their party. According to this article, Scottish New Year parties tend to have more incidents. Now in this article they are mainly referring to property damage, not physical damage.

” Parties in Scotland were the most accident-prone whilst those hosted in the southwest were relatively staid affairs.”

Of course they are; Brits don’t know how to have fun. It takes a Scot to have a good time! See, it’s not about breaking things; it’s about fun. When people are having a good time, they tend not to think and do things on impulse, when this happens items get broken. Sure, it’s annoying, and yes, maybe it can be expensive, but it’s fun!

” One teenage party in Bristol got so out of hand that the claim for theft and malicious damage came to 5,000 pounds, he said.”

Those crazy teenagers! That’s only about $8,626.50 American dollars, depending on when it happened. That’s a small price to pay for a party that will live on through history. I’m willing to bet the participants of this party will be talking about it until the day they die. Then their grandkids will regale their friends with the story of party.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, “Sure there is more damage at a Scottish party, they are all boozed up.” People, that is an assumption. Sure, there is a readily available supply of good Scotch whisky, but that doesn’t mean they are all drinking it. (Yes, I said that with a straight face.) Maybe they are drinking some good Scottish beer!

Anyway, the moral of this story is: If you want to attend a good New Years party, find a Scot.

I can't believe this worked.

This should make every blogger out there kick themselves. An English lad, Alex Tew, came up with a brilliant idea on how to make money, the Million Dollar Home Page. I know my brain had a momentary seizure when I read this:

”The idea: turn his home page into a billboard made up of a million dots (pixels), and sell them for a dollar a dot to anyone who wants to put up their logo. A 10 by 10 dot square, roughly the size of a letter of type, costs $100.

What the hell? He’s selling pixels on his home page… and major companies are buying it up?

”That was picked up by the news media, spread around the Internet, and soon advertisers for everything from dating sites to casinos to real estate agents to The Times of London were putting up real cash for pixels, with links to their own sites.”

You know why this is working? Idiots like me are linking to this kid, driving up his traffic. That means people are actually seeing these adds, thus making it a fairly plausible marketing campaign.

Rock River Raptors Schedule

Whoo-hoo!!!! I just received notice of the 2006 Schedule for the Rock River Raptors. The Raptors are an indoor football team for which I have purchased season tickets. Row 1, 50 yard line, right behind the teams bench.

March 25, 2006 07:00 PM @ Evansville Bluecats
April 1, 2006 07:30 PM Sioux Falls Storm
April 8, 2006 07:00 PM @ Bloomington Extreme
April 15, 2006 07:00 PM @ Sioux Falls Storm
April 22, 2006 07:30 PM Peoria Rough Riders
April 29, 2006 07:30 PM Omaha Beef
May 6, 2006 07:30 PM Bloomington Extreme
May 12, 2006 07:00 PM @ Ft. Wayne Freedom
May 20, 2006 07:30 PM Lexington Horsemen
May 27, 2006 12:00 AM BYE
June 3, 2006 07:00 PM @ Lexington Horsemen
June 10, 2006 07:00 PM @ Omaha Beef
June 17, 2006 07:30 PM Ft. Wayne Freedom
June 24, 2006 07:30 PM Bloomington Extreme
July 1, 2006 07:00 PM @ Peoria Rough Riders
July 8, 2006 07:30 PM Ohio Valley Greyhounds

***Home games in bold***

I’m not sure what the rules or regulations are yet, but I have time to learn before the first game. The best thing about this is that it fills the empty months between Pro-Bowl and Pre-Season. However, I’m not sure if this schedule is accurate, it looks like they are playing the Bloomington Extreme three times, so there may be some changes. As it stands right now, I’ll be able to go to all but one game. The April 29 game falls on the date of one of my re-enactments, priorities folks, priorities.

Goose and Bread Pudding

A couple of years ago we broke away from doing the big family Christmas at my Grandmother’s house on Christmas day. On Christmas Eve, we would go to my parent’s house, and then on Christmas Eve we would go to my Grandmother’s house. That left us with no time for just our family and the boys didn’t get to play with anything they had been given. It made for a very hectic holiday.

When I was growing up, my parents would spend Christmas Eve with just us kids and then Christmas days at my Grandmothers. I wanted the same thing with my family. My mother didn’t want me to break tradition by not going to Grandma’s. It didn’t take much explaining when I reminded her that when growing up we didn’t spend Christmas Eve at Grandma’s and Christmas Day at Great Grandma’s. I told her to pick which day she wanted us at, she picked Christmas Eve.

That left me with what to do on Christmas Day. I knew I wanted to spend time with my family, but I wanted to start our own tradition and I wanted to make a special meal for all of us. When trying to decide what to make, I looked back on history to see what they used to eat on Christmas day and I found my inspiration. After conferring with Ktreva, I decided to make a goose, a nice traditional Christmas goose. We decided to make it a tradition and do it again this year.

For those of you that have never had goose, it is a very interesting bird. There is no white meat, it’s all dark meat. Depending on the type and age of the goose you have depends on how dark the meat is. Last years goose the breast meat was a dark chocolate color, this year it was more of a milk chocolate color. If you are not aware of this when you start carving the bird, it can come as a shock. I had thought I ruined it the first time. Goose is also very fatty. There is a layer of fat between the skin and the meat as well as veins of it running through the breast and thighs. This makes for a very juicy bird. Well, that and my special cooking style for birds.

I also made a nice homemade stuffing to go with it. When I say homemade, I mean I made it from scratch, no box and no pre-made ingredients. I even used fresh herbs that I had to prepare by hand for the seasoning. I did cheat and buy pre-made bread this year. In years past Ktreva would bake me a loaf of bread to use, but I decided to give her a break this year.

We also had Green Beans almondine, and baked sweet potatoes. I baked them because I’m not a fan of those different sweet potato/yam dishes with tons of brown sugar and marshmallows on it. Just give me a plain baked sweet potato with melted butter and a light sprinkling of brown sugar. The rest of the family likes them that way as well. I picked a nice red wine for Ktreva and I, while the boys had milk. Everything turned out very well, but then Ktreva had to trump me.

I told her she didn’t have to make anything; I would take care of it all. She insisted on making the dessert. Digging through her stack of recipes, she decided she was going to make her bread pudding with whiskey sauce. She served it warm at the table right after the main course was finished. When it was removed from the oven, the aroma itself was enticing. The boys and I sat in anticipation it smelled so good. We served it up, and as soon as each person took a bite, we could barely contain ourselves from just gobbling up this delicious culinary delight.

For those of you reading this worried about the effects of alcohol on the children, remember alcohol cooks out during the baking process. There was a minimal alcohol content left when it was finished.

Last night we re-heated the left over bread-pudding and finished it off. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it reheats very well. It was just as, if not more, delicious then when it first came out of the oven. Ktreva was very proud of herself, and rightfully so. It was probably; no, it was the best the dessert she has ever made, not too sweet, not too rich, and just right.

We’ve decided that she will be making that again next year, it will become part of the Contagion Family Christmas Tradition.

Jail Break!

Over the last couple of weeks, Clone has decided he does not need to sleep. We can put him to bed, but he continually gets out of bed, plays in his room or comes downstairs. This little ritual has gone on nightly. No matter what we’ve done, it doesn’t seem to work. We even suspect he does it in the middle of the night after we’ve gone to bed. We’ve found certain items turned on or items left in places they do not belong.

We have gates on his bedroom door and in various rooms, but they don’t work. Heck, the gates are nothing more then suggestions. They work more like ineffective speed bumps then anything else. Clone can climb/scale the gates in a matter of seconds, even the “climb resistant” varieties. There are times when he doesn’t want to waste his time climbing the gate. He’ll get a running start and throw his body into the gate knocking it down. He’s actually broken the hinge on one of the gates trying to get around it.

This may shock some of you, but I’m not one of those lovey, comforting, “He’s expressing himself” kind of parents. I learned parenting from my father I’m the spanking, taking away, “Red Foreman” kind of parent. Clone has faced the wrath of dad, and continues to pull his little stunts. When I’ve put him back in bed I say, “Its bed time, you need to lie down and go to sleep. If you get out of bed again, you’ll make daddy mad. You don’t want to make daddy mad, do you?” He’ll shake his little head no and lay down. Give it fifteen minutes and I can find him sneaking down the stairs to the living room. Yes, I’ve followed through with my threats.

The next morning when we have to wake him up he is tired and cranky. Which makes getting him ready just that much more unpleasant a task to undertake. He pulls the same thing at nap time, or he’ll only nape for a short period of time and then gets up. That night he’ll be back to old tricks. The lack of sleep is not causing him to get tired enough to sleep.

Ktreva’s theory is that he is afraid he is going to miss something happening. She’s right, if he goes to sleep he’s going to miss the business side of my hand on his bottom!

I’ve joked about duct taping him to his bed, but I’m starting to think that might be my last resort.

Game Over, man.

Yesterday marked the end of an era, at least for us football fans. Yesterday was the very last Monday Night Football (MNF) game on ABC. On September 21, 1970, this tradition of football during primetime started and was the longest running primetime sports show in history. Effectively covering 36 seasons, this show became a staple for football fans around the country.

As I am in my early thirty’s, I can’t remember a time when there was not MNF, so last nights lack-luster game with all of its clips and highlights was difficult to watch. Not because the game was crappy, but because of what it symbolized, the end of an era. When I was younger, I remember watching the games with my dad. The times we spent talking about the teams, the players, the plays; it was a special time for us. As I got older, I always found MNF to be a welcome distraction to the different troubles that lives throw your way.

Sure, they are still going to show Monday night games on ESPN, but that’s just not that same. The game isn’t going to start with the traditional, “Are you ready for some football?” song by Hank Williams Jr.. Sure, they are still going to have annoying announcers, but damn! No John Madden and Al Michaels babbling about the plays in some inane commentary, no on-screen doodling by Madden to try to make sense of his babbling, no long winded stories by Michaels to try to give some semblance of importance to what he is saying, it’s all gone. There will be no more “Horse Trailer” Player of the Game. Nothing will be the same!

It’s not just the football that made MNF great; it was the whole production that made MNF what it was. I’m sure there are many out there don’t understand what I’m talking about and think I’m going even further off of my rocker, but to the football junkies out there, you understand. You all know exactly what I am saying.

Farewell MNF, life will not be the same with out you. Thank you Meredith, Cosell, Gifford, Madden and Michaels for all the memories. Thank you.

The T-shirt is MINE!

I WON, I WON, I WON! I know you all find that hard to believe after the insanity of this post, it’s as if I hardly tried. Dr. Phat Tony will be sending my shirt to me. Since I hardly if ever win anything, I’m stoked! I mean, the only thing better then blogger wear, is free blogger wear.

DPT’s official announcement has a screen shot of the ecosystem showing my 279 links. That’s right, two hundred, seventy-nine links. Yes, yes, yes… I know I have issues. Sure, it took 2.5 hours of my life to make that post, but it was worth it. Oh yes it was worth it!

I would like to take this time to acknowledge my lead rival and competitor for the t-shirt. Pandy of What Panda. She put up a good fight, and was a worthy opponent. I honestly feel that if she had been distracted, she could have easily won this competition. My hat is off to you dear Pandy for the valiant effort, my utmost respect.

Christmas, survived.

Christmas is over, that means I have a truckload of stuff to take to the Salvation Army. All the old, un-played with toys have to go in order to make room for all the new, un-played with toys. For those of you that have kids, I have a question.

Have you ever noticed that your kids receive more toys then they can play with, yet they usually have one or two that they will play with to annoyance, and never look at any of the other gifts for more then five minutes?

That’s our house. Clone received all kinds of presents from Mom, Dad, Boopie, Santa, Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles. Every toy had to be unwrapped, assembled (Santa and I are having a talk next year, no more of this “some assembly required” crap fat man. Else I’m going to be “deer hunting” next Christmas Eve) and in working condition. Once that was done, Clone would play with it for five minutes, stop and go to something else. He has some toys that he had me take out of the wrapping just to watch me take out of the wrapping; he hasn’t played with them at all. On the other hand, Santa gave him some toy guns. A submachine gun and a 9mm semi-auto pistol that when you pull the trigger on both the slides actually have realistic action, he loves those. He also received a toy .30-30 lever action and a Colt .45 Peacemaker in a western set. All with appropriate sounds, including a ratchet noise with the lever is cranked on the .30-30. Those toy guns are his favorite toys by far. If they where real, there would not be a standing structure with on 500 yards of our house.

Boopie, being 12, is too old for Santa. He still gets a stocking, but no presents. Which is good for him, because then Ktreva and I could sink all the money into getting him stuff he would rather have. We decided that he needed a PSP, (Play Station Portable) for Christmas. Since they are relatively new, the system and the games for them are fairly expensive still. That was his major gift from us, that and some games for it. We were going to get him a movie to watch, but wasn’t sure what kind he would want. At least I know he really likes it. He charged the battery, drained it, charged it again, drained it again and charged it a third time. Do you know how much game play that is? I would list the other stuff he received, but he pretty much ignored those.

Boopie is on his way to Florida with his biological father to visit relatives down there. Actually he probably is there as they where flying out last night. He wanted to take the PSP with, but I had to say no. Let’s just say while with his biological father I could see it being “lost” or broken. Either that or the biological will tell everyone he got it for him as he’s done in years past with really good/expensive gifts. Yes, I might sound as if I’m being snarky about not letting Boopie take his new gift. Honestly, I’m just trying to protect him. He’s going to discover things about his parents in time; I just don’t want him to find out during Christmas. That’s why I gave him the cover that I didn’t think PSPs where allowed on airplanes and I didn’t want it confiscated. I’d rather he think I’m being mean and an idiot at this point in his life.

Ktreva’s favorite gift was the Sims2 Expansion packs she was wanting. I could pretend it was the necklaces that I put much thought into before buying, but no, it was the games. Hey, I don’t blame her. There is a lot more interaction with a game then with a necklace.

My big gift was a food dehydrator. I had been talking about making my own jerky for a while now, so Ktreva decided she was going to get me the stuff to do it. She also gave me the Firefly series on DVD. Both of those are the gifts that keep on giving. I can watch firefly and eat my homemade jerky all year. You never get tired of Firefly and jerky!

Overall, it was a good Christmas in our household.

Merry Christmas

I would like to take this time to wish everyone a safe, fun and wonderful Christmas.

Since I didn’t get any of you anything last year, I felt I should make it up to you. I put it in the extended entry since it might be questionable if you open it at work.

See extended entry for your presents.

For the Guys, a sexy little Mrs. Clause.

For the Gals, he wants to show you his candy cane.

Since it is the season of forgiveness, I even got the terrorist a gift. Some Missile, TOW.

Merry Christmas

Still gunning for that t-shirt.

See new posts below

Okay, I really want to win this T-shirt from Dr. Phat Tony. Pandy over at What Panda is really giving me a run for my money, thus I’m going to have to do something really drastic. This is going to be time consuming, annoying and just a general pain in the arse, but I don’t know what else to do at this point. From some of the e-mails I’ve received I know that some of you are getting tired of seeing these posts, but I’m doing what I feel I have to do in order to win. This contest only runs until Christmas day now. However, I thought it ran all the way to New Years. But since I don’t make the rules, I only have to follow them, I’m trying everything in my power to win. Yes, this post is probably really annoying, and if you want to skip it. I wouldn’t blame you, but it’s what I need to do. Loyal readers, please forgive me as I am in desperation mode and I’m just trying to win something. Some of you may understand, some of you may not. But by the time I’m done I’m hoping that this post should push me over the edge and show just exactly what level of desperation I am at. Thus, causing others that are trying to play to give up. If I need I will make a post like this daily until the contest is over and I am declared a winner. . Sure it is a lot of work, but to me it's all worth the effort. If you really want something you need to work for it. Nothing is free, contrary to what some people would like to believe. Right now I am just willing to bet that Dr. Phat Tony is real happy he does not have auto trackbacks set up through haloscan. Other ways his e-mail would be over loaded with all the pings from this post. Yes, that is a link to every post he's made to date, no you really don't want to know how long it took me to do this.

Thank you for your consideration. This post will stay on top until the contest is over, see new below.

Don't ever get this Drunk

There is intoxicated, there is drunk, then there is this guy.

Historical event?

Well hell, in all the excitement and business that is work I forgot an event. Knowing how much one of my blog fathers puts stock into things like this, I decided it’s better late then never. Harvey of Bad Example noticed last week “(I) had over 10,000 people visit this crappy blog.” He is so kind and nurturing. After putting up with his crap about that, I decided I better at least put a blurb up about this event.

Two days ago, 12/21/05, was my one-year blogiversary. Not one year from when I was discovered and outed by Tammi of then Road Warrior Survival (Now Tammi's World), but one year from when I decided it was time for me to start a blog. When I decided to start blogging, I thought it would be fun to see who actually tracks their hits. Thus, I didn’t tell anyone that I started a blog. It wasn’t until March 3 that it was stumbled upon and I was outed. Now, that necessarily wasn’t a bad thing, I didn’t post much in the early days, I was having trouble adapting to actually writing things for the world to read, I’m shy and I had to get past that. If you want to see it, here is my first crappy post on Blogger. Contrary to Harvey's oppinion, I did not get any better.

Therefore, in honor of my blogiversary, I’ve prepared a short speech.

One year and 2 days ago, I brought forth in this blogosphere, a new blog, conceived on boredom, peer pressure and a proposition that all men’s BS is equal.

Now I am engaged in a great civil war, testing whether a blog, or any blog so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of the blogosphere as a place for others, who are more talented, can come and see the words of a lesser man. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate – we can not consecrate – we can not hallow – this html. The brave bloggers, active and in-active, who have struggled to maintain blogs, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what I post here, but it can never forget what bloggers have done! It is for the bloggers, rather, that I dedicate this post, to the great task remaining before them – that from these honored posts we take increased devotion to that course for which they post the last full measure of devotion – that we here highly resolve that these bloggers shall not have posted in vain – that this blogosphere, with out UN control, shall have a new birth of freedom – and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish them from the earth.

Yes, Lincoln is spinning like a top in his grave.

Surprised?

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Coal

You haven't been *that* naughty this year Santa is just screwing with you

'Tis the season. On my daily rounds I noticed that CalTechGirl had taken this quiz, I thought to myself. Hmmm, I wonder if I can score anything other then coal and answer honestly. I guess not.

Overload.

ARGH!!!!!

One of my peers has this week off. I’m doing both his and my job.

I’m also attending five meetings a day to give the “good” news about goal changes for next year.

There is a reason they have two people to do both jobs, there just not enough minutes in an hour to get all the stuff done for both jobs each hour.

Throw in meetings, even if they only take 15-30 minutes and you have even less time.

Something has to not be done when this happens, which is usually my peers job. People get upset if they request time off and you don’t approve it right away.

All this has caused my brain to think funny thoughts….

Salt looks better on a margarita glass then on the road…

…I hate margaritas.

Talk about long winded.

A friend of mine sent this to me in an e-mail. Normally I don't post these, but after sensitivity class I found this one more amusing then usual. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all......

...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this planet great, [not to imply that this planet is necessarily greater than any other planet or is the only planet in the known or unknown universe], and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Liberal Democrat way to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS & HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!

RSVP ASAP

One of my minions had a Christmas party last weekend. Since I was unable to attend, she was filling me in on the details. She had invited some friends of hers both from work and outside of work. From what she was telling me it sounded like everyone was having a good time.

Then she went on to tell me she ran into a problem later in the night. She had run out of food and beverages for everyone. When she sent out her invitations, she asked people to RSVP to let her know if the invitee was coming and if they were bringing a date. If no one got back to her, she marked them down as not coming. She wasn’t expecting everyone she invited to show up, so when some people didn’t respond she was not surprised.

What surprised her was when the party started people where showing up that did not RSVP. She also had people that showed up that brought a date and didn’t indicate they where bringing anyone else. Five extra guests she had not planned on showed up for her party. Five doesn’t sound like many people, but it is when you are planning a party to ensure there is enough food and drinks for everyone. You have to think five people are an entire family! In this case, four separate invites didn’t RSVP or didn’t put down the correct number of attendees.

It doesn’t surprise me. Any more people don’t have common courtesy to others, so why should they take 5 minutes to call and say yes or no I’m not coming. Personally, I know how frustrating this can be. I can’t remember the last time I held a party and had an accurate count of people that where going to attend. My favorite excuse is when someone says, “Well you should have known I was going to come.” If I had known you where going to come I wouldn’t ask you to RSVP! How do I know if you didn’t make other plans? Maybe you’re bringing a date, or maybe you just don’t want to come. That would be like my throwing a party and saying, “You should have known you were invited” instead of sending out invitations.

Some people are in the belief they should call and double check with each possible guest if they are coming. Personally, I’m not a babysitter. If I throw a party, the guests are all adults. My checking with them is the invite. If I’m going to call these people to see if they are going to come, why even bother sending an invite? Why not just call them and say, “Sup, homey! Yo, check it out. I’m throwing a banging bash at my crib. You in dog?” Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you get my drift.

When I was younger, I used to be inconsiderate like that. I wouldn’t RSVP and just show up. That all changed when I was a junior in college and we threw a party for a bunch of our friends. Only a handful of people said they were going to be there so we only bought two kegs. Nothing is more annoying then making a beer run mid party when you have a good buzz going. Ever since then I’ve been very good about it.

It’s just common courtesy people. Whenever I get an invite somewhere and there is an RSVP, I’ll contact the host and let them know whether or not I’m making it. That way there is no doubt in their mind. So if your are going to the blogmeet and haven’t said anything yet, get off your butt and do it now! :)

Fritz Fest '06! Lets go people!

Okay People, Fritz fest ’06 is just over two weeks away. Some of you still have not confirmed your going, I’m not going to single people out *Cough*Spurs*Cough*, but if you’re planning on going you need to go over there and make sure you are on the list. T1G has been working his poor fingers to the bone organizing this thing and you could at least tell him if you’re coming. It’s just common courtesy people!

If you’re not sure whether you want to come, Leslie, the Omnibus Driver, has a very compelling list of reasons on why you should. Like any of you need a reason besides being able to be in the awe-inspiring presence of yours truly. Throw in the fact that I am going to be wearing a kilt and work boots… this is a must-not-miss!

So c’mon, the more the merrier!

Man Card, Revoked.

Johnny-Oh is questioning my man status. In this post about gift giving he left the following comment:

”I think I just learned one of the keys to your psyche "I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years.” Dude, you've gotta turn in your "Man Card" for that offense. I would think that it was from the "Heap-Big" brainwashing you'd received from those nice ladies, but this happened BEFORE your visit with them.
(Sigh) This is how Metrosexuals are born you know.”

To which I responded:

”Johnny-oh.. what part of that bothers you? I started shopping in November so I could avoid going the mall/stores during the busy time, thus not body checking an old lady and ending up in jail or the fact that I actually dwelled on that though for that long?”

He found this excuse completely unacceptable. So he’s docked me 100 man points. Then he accused me of becoming a metrosexual. It is with my profound sadness that I must admit to Johnny-Oh, that I am indeed a metrosexual. This is not the first time I’ve been called out on it. Graumagus even made special effort to call me out on it in his Retrosexual Code:

”A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)”

Some of you right now are probably staring at your computers in shock yelling loud enough to scare the neighbors, “NO CONTAGION, SAY IT AIN’T SO!” (Apparently when you get upset you use improper grammar). I’m sorry to let you all in on this little secret. If you check my bathroom I have product for my hair, special lotions for when I shave, colognes, etc. My closet is filled with trendy clothes and I’ve even gone to beauty parlors to have my hair cut. I’ve even ordered an alcoholic beverage just to be trendy.

But none of that is why I started my Christmas shopping early. Remember I’m shy, well if you don’t want to believe that because you’ve heard lies from other people, then believe this. I have an overpowering hatred of groups of people I don’t know. It’s like a mix of agoraphobia and xenophobia.

When I’m in a crowded place like the mall, or stores what little tact and self-control I have flies out the window. This turns me into a big, angry, walking bulldozer. I become the arsehole that just plows through crowds. When my wife is with me she knows just to get in behind me and follow closely. I’m like a fullback plowing through the defensive line, and she’s the halfback. All she needs to do is run through the hole I’ve made. What she finds amusing is that most times I don’t have to touch people, the look on my face makes them cringe or jump out of my way.

A couple of years ago my wife and I went to the mall to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I lasted about 10 minutes before my anxiety went into overdrive and I had to leave the building. We got what we needed and started our way to the parking lot. I like the parking lot, I don’t care if I have to park 10 miles away, it’s not crowded with people. The mall was packed with people, there was barely room to move, my brain shut down and screamed, “GET OUT NOW!!!!” The look was firmly set into my face, but most people had their backs to me. I just started pushing my way through the crowd.

My speed kept gathering and my wife was almost running to keep up with me. This poor little old lady, had to be in her 80’s at least, stepped into my way. My wife swears that I lowered a shoulder and body checked her into the crowd. I don’t remember doing it, but I do recall the poor old lady going spinning off into the crowd like Darth Vader’s fighter into space at the end of Star Wars. By the time we got the parking lot my firsts where firmly clinched and white, it looked like there was no blood in my hands. I don’t know what I would have done if I had been in their any longer.

Now, since I have a family and really don’t want to go to jail, I do my Christmas shopping early. Afterwards I go to the spa and have a full facial and chemical peel to rejuvenate my skin. I’d turn in my man card, but I lost that years ago when I got married. That’s when my wife threw out all of my flannels, tossed my girlie mags, and made me go shopping with her.

Sorry to have let you down Johnny-oh.

Yo-ho-ho, Santa's in the House G!

T1G smacked me with a MeMe. I can’t be too upset with him as I tagged him with one not to long ago. What meme is this? Apparently, Lee Ann of Lee Ann’s View decided there were not enough MeMes in the world and that she wanted to reserve a seat on the buss to hell, so she created this one. That’s right; there is a special place in hell reserved for people that create MeMes. (Oh, I’m watching you now Lee Ann, I’m watching you!) It’s a Christmas themed MeMe; you have to list your top five favorite Christmas movies, ones that get you in the spirit of Christmas.

Here I go:

1) A Christmas Carol. It doesn’t matter which version you watch, but this is my favorite Christmas show. I say show because I especially enjoy it on stage. There is nothing better then watching actors use their craft to spin this Dickens’ classic. My favorite movie version is the one with Patrick Stewart, but the George C. Scott version is a close second.

2) A Christmas Story. I remember the first time I saw this movie. My family was invited to a Christmas party and the host had rented this movie for the kids. I was 11 and Ralphie reminded me a lot of myself. I could connect with him on a personal level. I quote this movie all the time, in fact over the weekend while moving boxes I made a comment about how the items where “fragile” (Fra-GEE-lay), which is French Italian! (H/t to Lee Ann on correcting that.) Of course, no one else got the reference.

3) It’s a Wonderful Life. I love this movie, but I have to admit to you something. I’ve seen the whole thing probably a couple hundred times, but I’ve never been able to sit down and watch it all in one continuous block of time. I always catch pieces of it on TV, or I’ll have to stop the video to do something else. After 32 years of life, you would think that I would be able to do this, but I just can’t. Every year I try, something happens, and I have to stop it or leave in the middle.

4) Santa Claus conquers the Martians. This is a cheesy 60’s sci-fi flick. The special effects are just that, special. The story is hokey and the acting is bland at best. Yet it makes me giggle every time I see it.

5) The Santa Clause. This movie is just hilarious. I haven’t seen the sequel, so I can’t vouch for that one. Tim Allen’s performance in this is hilarious and I love the scene when he is walking through the shop and they have ZZtop playing in the background.

Well that’s it, my five. Now I’m supposed to tag five people. Well whom to tag? Well obviously Oddybobo, like she won’t see this coming after tagging me twice in a row. I should nail Sarah of That’s Not Very Nice, just for the hell of it. Next, I’m going to tag CalTechGirl, I don’t know if I’ve ever tagged her before, but I’m going to today. Hmmm, How about Johnny-oh of Closet Extremist, his choices could be interesting. Finally I’m going to tag Ogre. Why Ogre? Well we all know how much he loves MeMes, plus he has his new festive blog design. This should be right up his alley!

Do not call the police.

I have in my possession an object of sentimental and artistic value to someone else. Since this person just carelessly discarded said item under the seat of my truck, I feel I should teach them a little lesson. Therefore, I am holding ransom this stained glass picture of a sail boat. See the picture below.

If this person wants to get this priceless piece of art back, then need to follow my directions carefully.

1) Find four pennies. One from 1971, one from 1973, one from 1993 and one from 2003. Place a picture of all pennies on the Internet.

2) Find a set of busy railroad tracks. Place all pennies exactly 1 foot 3.25 inches apart along one of the rails. Again place a picture including measurements on the Internet.

3) After a train has flattened all four pennies, take a picture of the pennies and place on the Internet.

4) Place the pennies in a safe location where they will not be lost.

5) Find a ball, any type of ball; I don’t care if it’s a football, a baseball or a ping-pong ball. Take the ball to a local public establishment. Bar, Store, mall, again I don’t care.

6) Get three people to have their picture taken with the ball autographing/initialing it. I don’t care if you know the people or if they are complete strangers.

7) Place pictures of the individuals autographing/initialing on the Internet. You can hide their faces for their protection.

8) Place the ball with the pennies.

9) Make a sign that says, “I have an unhealthy addiction to candles.” Have someone take your picture standing along a busy roadway holding the sign and place picture on the Internet.

10) Have someone take a picture of you holding the pennies, the ball and the sign and place the picture on the Internet.

11) When this is done we will set up a location where we will exchange your property for the pennies, ball and sign.

These are my demands; they are not negotiable. If you fail to follow any of my directions to my satisfaction, I will be forced to do something drastic. You don’t want me to do something drastic do you?

I’m a man on the edge; don’t make me do something I don’t want to do!

My minions love me.

Everyone thinks I’m too hard on my minions. People say that they don’t respect and like me. Some have even said that I keep them so far away from me that none of them know or understand me. I say that all those people are nothing more then damn liars!

Here’s proof that not only do my minions like and respect me, they knew me better then I thought they did.

This is my Christmas gift from a group of them. A bottle of Seagram’s 7, which happens to be my favorite cheap whiskey. Yes I prefer Jack Daniels, but I can get a large bottle of Seagram’s 7 for less then a small bottle of Jack Daniels. When I’m at home I generally drink 7&7’s. One bag of Ranch Corn Nuts, I love ranch Corn Nuts. My wife won’t let me eat them because they make my breath absolutely horrible. One pack of Listerine CoolMint PocketPaks, These serve a two-fold purpose. One is that obviously I’m addicted to the damn things, but also when I eat the Corn Nuts they’ll help me stay married. Finally “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks. C’mon folks, this is perfect! I’ve already started reading it and updating my own Zombie contingency plans. However, to be objective, the author of the book has some of his facts incorrect. When I’m finished reading I’ll do a full critique.

Now you tell me, do my minions love me or what?

To gift or not to gift.

Yesterday morning, I bundled up the family and braved the great world of retail. We had to do some more Christmas shopping and it was just easier to do it early on a Sunday then any other time. The stores weren’t as crowded. Don’t get me wrong, they where still crowded, just not AS bad. Yesterday’s little excursion just cemented my opinion on something.

People just don’t understand gift giving/receiving, including myself.

Ever since I can remember, I always hated Christmas shopping. I’ve been thinking about why that is since November when I started doing this years. The first thing I concluded on is that there are two different types of gifts. The true gifts where you want to buy somebody something and the obligatory gifts where you feel you have to get someone a gift.

When I want to get someone a gift, I have no problem coming up with ideas on what to get the person. Sometimes my ideas are good, sometime bad, but I always have an idea. When it’s an obligatory gift, I always have problems. I’m buying this gift not because I want to, but because I have to. This is when I start asking people what they want. In these cases, just tell me and I’ll get it for you. It cuts down on the time wasted by me. That’s not to say that I don’t ask for ideas from people I want to buy a gift. Sometimes my ideas don’t pan out or are just not feasible. Like this year, I wanted to buy Ktreva a very specific item. I traveled 4 hours round trip only to find out they didn’t have what I wanted in her size. Yes, I called first. But they don’t have a “hold policy”. My back up gift didn’t pan out either. Therefore, I had to ask for ideas.

Then there is the cost factor. I don’t know about everyone else, but I generally set a dollar limit on what I want or can spend per individual. With the amount of people, I’m buying for I want to make sure I budget appropriately. Nothing irks me more then when you ask someone what they want for Christmas and the items on the list are all at least twice, what you wanted to spend. For example, let’s say you have a sibling that you have no clue as to what to get them for Christmas. They give you a list that includes an Xbox, Play Station Portable, a new cordless drill and a 32-inch TV. You had planned to spend about $100.00 on this gift. Good luck, and of those items you can get for around that price is either going to be used or an off-brand POS. When/if I’m asked what I want for a gift, my answer is usually, “Nothing.” I don’t want people wasting their time or money buying me something. If they push the issue, I’ll give in and tell them to get me a gift certificate to some store. That way I can pick out what I want. If they give me $1.00 or $1,000.00, I don’t care. I just hope they wanted to get me a gift and didn’t feel they had to.

Then there are the non-gifts. The gifts that are given that really aren’t for the individual it was intended. This isn’t just the Hollweird sitcom situation of a husband giving the wife a bowling ball that is sized to fit the husband. Let me give you an example, Lingerie. Guys, when you buy some sexy slinky outfit for your woman, is that really for her or is it for you? Let’s face it, it’s for you. Unless your girlfriend/wife is a stripper, you are the only person that is going to see it. According to women, the sexy stuff isn’t comfortable, so they aren’t going to be wearing it around all day. This also applies to most electronics, especially kitchen appliances. If there is a good chance that the gift giver is going to be using it about 40% plus of the time. This should not be a gift. This should be a purchase you make on some day just for the heck of it. Now, as a caveat to that, if a person specifically and adamantly requests said item, that overrules this guideline. One year I was given a CD that my wife the gift giver thought I would like. She The gift giver ended up taking it to work and kept it for weeks before I had a chance to listen to it. Was that gift bought for me or for that individual?

Gift certificates are a no-no. Why? They show a complete and utter lack of thought. Now there are two situations when gift certificates are okay. The first is when the recipient requests them. Like myself, I would rather have a gift certificate to Best Buy, Gander Mountain, even the mall then anything else. There are items that I won’t buy for myself that I won’t ask for either that these give me a chance to get. Alternatively, maybe it’s something I want to pick out for myself. Gift certificates are great in that case. Plus, I can save them up and instead of getting a bunch of smaller items; I can get one larger. I’ve bought many big-ticket items doing that.

The second situation where gift certificates are okay is if it is for a place that provides a service. Trust me, when the guys went in and got me that $100.00 gift certificate for the strip club, I was in heaven! I’m kidding, I don’t even know if strip clubs do that, but if you own one and read this… think about it! What I’m really talking about is for Spa’s, salons, nail boutiques, etc. My wife likes to go to a local spa for treatments. Since she changes what she has done, based on her mood, I don’t know which package to purchase. Even if I did, I can’t schedule it for her. Therefore, if I want to do something nice like that for her, I have to get a gift certificate. Just make sure that if you buy a gift certificate it’s at a place the recipient will use it.

I’m sure there are other no-no’s or rules to gift giving I haven’t thought of yet. If anyone has any they would like to share, I would appreciate it. This list is just what I’ve observed and concluded on this year.

Rise oh dark one, rise!

I’m getting ready to head out to help Tammi get her move on. That means I won’t be here for my normal amount of disturbing Saturday posts. Since I knew you all would be disappointed in me if I didn’t, and to prove my newfound sensitivity is gone. I found something special, just for today.

Do you have a favorite sex toy? Are you worried that it gets cold when it’s not in with you? Do you worship an ancient evil and are just waiting for it to “rise” again? If so you need this!

Yes folks, someone made and auctioned it, I just reported it. I guess maybe I should start referring to Mr. Happy as “The one eyed tentacled evil monster that is Cthulhu.”

My name is not John.

Just a few minutes ago I was getting clone ready for bed. I had taken his clothes off and was getting his sleeper when in one swift motion he pulls his unit out of his diaper and very proudly states, “Dada, I pee!”

He then proceeds to urinate on me.

He was so proud of his accomplishment. I, however, was more disturbed by the fact that he thought it was okay to pee on me. Needless to say after cleaning him, the floor and myself up he went to bed with a stern talking to about where and when to pee

Desperation.

Okay I still want to win that T-shirt from Dr. Phat Tony. Apparently my underhanded attempt to pilfer links didn’t work. Thus I’m trying something a little different. We all know he is trying to get the number one Google hit for History of Thanksgiving, History of Discovery of America, How to Join the Canadian Army and Girls Gone Wild. Apparently he’s already number one for Humpback Midget. On a side note, because of this I’m turning up as number three for Humpback Midget… I’m thinking he intended this to be a side effect.

What am I going to do? If I thought it would help, I’d walk around here with my dick hanging out, not that I’m making any campaign promises! It’s Phat Tony’s contest and his rules I’m trying to follow. I’m not trying to make any new ones up, and even though he’s a helpful guy and likes to answer questions. Sometimes those answers come with a price and require people to do things… unusual.

He’s very passionate about various topics, especially home remodeling. Sure, sometimes a sense of humor is lost on him. But this time of year he can be very sentimental.

The poor guy has issues dealing with his family's past. However he always has an open post for a blogless friend. Also he is always readily available with advice and stories to learn from.

Hopefully this helps me out.

Degrading to women.

Last night Shadoglare stopped by to say hi and to pick up an old computer I had. Out of the kindness of his heart, he is building a computer for his Sister and nephew. Since it was such a noble cause, I thought it would be the nice thing to do by donating this old one I had.

He stuck around for a while chatting. We debated the evils of firearms, alcohol and strip clubs (including places like hooters). I tried to explain to him that firearms are dangerous and should be outlawed, even having them in house a child could get their hands on one and hurt themselves or others. No matter what I said, I could not get him to accept that alcohol is the root of all evil, that it is a cancer that creates problems in society. The drinking of alcohol should be illegal as people aren’t smart enough to stop drinking on their own. Strip clubs are degrading to women, just having them in town is inviting all kinds of moral depravity and the subjugation of women. When I explained I was quitting re-enacting because it was cruel and an unethical treatment of animals, Ktreva had a conniption fit.

Shadoglare refused to accept what I was saying. It was then that I was forced to ask him to leave. I could not have his lack of morals and ethics corrupting my family. After he left I sat down to play some football on my Xbox. As I was sitting there, I realized how barbaric football is and decided that I should not watch it anymore. Grown men slamming into each other, they could get hurt. Football is nothing more then a modern day gladiator fight that should be outlawed. It was then that I decided I was never going to watch football again.

I went into my office and started taking all of my Green Bay Packer memorabilia off the walls. Ktreva shouted out, “That’s it, I’ve had enough” and stormed upstairs. When I finished getting everything down, I went to the basement to find some boxes to store the items. When I came back upstairs, Ktreva was standing in the living room wearing a cheerleader outfit, holding a large glass of Jack Daniels and swinging suggestively around my Brown Bess Musket.

I was shocked!

Walking into the living room, I say to my wife, “My love, you should not degrade yourself in this manner. You should respect yourself and your body as a woman. Alcohol is a cancer on society, you shouldn’t be drinking. And that is a gun you have there. Even if it is obviously unloaded and there is no flint in the hammer, you could hurt yourself…”

Then I heard what I had just said.

That didn’t make sense. My brain started arguing with itself, logic and fact versus what I had been saying. With out thinking I grabbed the glass of Jack Daniels and swallowed it in one quick gulp. It had an effect on me like spinach to Popeye. Strength and warmth spread through my veins. My head started to clear. “How could a gun be dangerous if it’s obviously unloaded? There is no powder in the pan and the flint is missing so even if it was loaded, there was no way for it to ignite.” Looking up to say something to Ktreva, I saw her sitting there in a cheerleader outfit looking at me coyly. I grabbed her and pulled her upstairs. Then I proceeded to exert my male dominance over her again and again and again…. and again.

After I was finished I went, back downstairs and starting putting my football stuff up on the walls. I read back through the drivel I had been posting and I realized; the damn sensitivity class took a hold of me for two whole days this time. If it takes at all, it’s usually just for an hour or two. I think my resistance is starting to wear down. I need to work on that.

Well it’s been a week since I’ve made someone cry, so today at work I’ll go fishing for someone to make cry. Also, there are some new employees and one of them is a hippy. I think I’m going to go do some corrective atmosphere control on them with some soap and water.

Damn Hippies!

What a nice day!

Good afternoon my good people, it warms my heart that you have taken the time to stop by and visit with me again today. I can see from some of your comments on a recent post, there is some concern for my well-being. Let me lay aside your concerns now, there is nothing conceivably wrong with me. However, I have taken some offense to terms used in my comments.

First off, my companions were not hippies. Both of them were well-groomed and clean individuals. There is no way a hippy would have worn the clothes nor carried the handbags these two had.

Secondly, I think we should refrain from using the term hippie. It symbolizes a turbulent time in history. Instead, I feel that these individuals should be referred to as the hygienically challenged.

Next, people where insinuating that I was drugged and/or under the influence of alcohol. Let me assure you that no mind altering substances where inducted into my system. In fact, I’ve decided that I’m going to cut back drastically on my drinking. I’d say quit, but I just don’t know if I could go cold turkey right now.

I’ve been discussing with Ktreva giving up re-enacting. Since it not only promotes the senseless murder of animals, the use of firearms AND subjugates women to subservient roles, I feel this is a harmful environment in which to raise my children. After the beginning of the year, I’m going to sell off all my equipment. There are plenty of re-enactors our there that would be willing to pay bottom dollar for my stuff.

I’m also going to take my firearms to be melted down. It was wrong of me to purchase that pistol recently. Ktreva was against it from the beginning and I decided to but it anyway. It was wrong of me to go against her wishes. It was also wrong of me to endanger my family by bringing firearms into the house.

The embarrassment over how blind I’ve been could just make me weep. Thankfully, the persons I’ve been talking with the last three days have enlightened me. Now I have a chance to mend my ways before it’s too late.

Thank you all for stopping by!
<HUGZ>

The Great Northern Illinois Blogmeet.

T1G was nice enough to through up a mini blog just for the impending blogmeet. Well to be honest he lost everyone's e-mails and is too lazy to go try to find them by searching his comments.

He is trying to drum up as much participation as possible. If you are planning on going, please head over and vote for food. The food has to be ordered in advance and he wants to know what everyone wants. He also has prices listed for each item.

there is also a list of people that have committed to coming.

There are some names on there I don't see that should. I won't single out those individuals, but you know who you are.

Sensitivity Class Paid off!

Blatently stolen from CalTechGirl.

Good evening gentle-people.

Hello! Did you miss me? Of course you did! I don’t know why I even asked as you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t miss me. As some of you may have remembered I was away at sensitivity class for the last two days. Golly gee that was fun. Not only was I able to see the errors of my ways, I also made some new friends. One of them is the president her local chapter of PETA. We spent a lot of quality time talking to one another over the last two days. I also was able to spend a lot of time with a nice anti-gun Chicago Democrat. I sure learned a lot from her as well. Why? Well I was sitting between the two of them.

It sure was nice getting to know them. Before you ask, no they where not what I would consider physically attractive, but the both were beautiful individuals in their own way. My life has been greatly improved by sharing time with the both of them AND learning from our discussions. They made some very interesting and valid points that have changed the way I view the world.

Since I just got back, I’m pretty tired and I want to spend some time with the boys. I’ll type up the rest tomorrow.

Oh, and before I forget. Thank you. Thank you all for stopping by and taking time out of your busy days just to visit me. I appreciate your kindness.

Theological?

I had a brief discussion with a minion of mine today that led to an interesting question. Since we were unable to come to a consensus with everyone we asked, I decided to share it with you to see if you might share your opinion.

With all the medical and scientific knowledge that we have today, we know that certain things are unhealthy/bad for us. Such things as smoking, excessive drinking and over-eating we know will cause health complications that could lead to death.

Since we know that, if a person dies from an illness that was brought on or a direct result of smoking, drinking or over-eating, did that person commit a form of suicide? And if so would they be denied to the right to go to heaven?

I'm going to get that T-shirt!

As many of you know I’ve been trying to win a t-shirt from Dr. Phat Tony. I’m going all out, and I thought I was doing pretty damn good until I saw this post over at What Panda.

"Good ol' Phatty is a wacky fellow, and he likes getting votes! Being a big campaign supporter of his, I've decided to try my hand at helping his most recent campaign. I think he's getting a bit lazy- he sure asks for help a lot. He still answers our questions, though. Okay. I'm sorry. Someone like Phat Tony needs all the help he can get, he gives so much to the blogging community.

He educates us, with famous postings like The Discovery of America and The History of Thanksgiving.

His unfailing patriotism is also an admirable trait. "Join the Canadian Army!", he tells us, but we know it's because he doesn't want any more touchy-feelyness in our Army. Plus he doesn't pass up any chance to slam the French.

When people ask me who Phat Tony is and why I am voting for him, I tell them-Phat Tony is a national treasure."

DAMMIT! There where more links in that then in my entire posts. What am I going to do? I’m not that talented, maybe I should think of something underhanded and sneaky… (Evil Grin)

Wax on, Wack off.

Do you have friends that are hard to buy for? Furniture is always a good thing, especially if it is sexy furniture. How can furniture be sexy? Well check this guy out.

I don’t think I’d have a problem polishing those tables.

That's one way to skin a pussy.

Do you hate cats? Have you not found a sport you felt you could really enjoy? Then I have a surprise for you. Wisconsin Divorced Men’s Club Organizes First Ever Cat-Olympics. From the state that originally legalized feral cat hunting, we have an organized event all men can enjoy.

Divorced dad Elvis Weems elaborates:

"Well, they wouldn't let us hunt cats like we wanted, so we did the next best thing. We have over a dozen events planned this August in Oshkosh, including the tabby-hammer toss, cat fishing, cat-put, cat-a-pult and kitty-discus, to name a few! Should be exciting. We can get our rocks off in spite of the fact we can't hunt cats, so this is the next best thing!"

This comes from Oshkosh, Wisconsin, that isn’t too far from my house; I may have to enter my wife’s cat, Gertrude! I’m kidding, hun, I’m kidding. Well…

I officially quit drinking beer.

THIS. IS. WRONG. I really wish I had not taken the time to watch this. However, being the fine upstanding arsehole that I am, I felt the need to share it with all of you. DO NOT WATCH THIS.

If you do, it’s your own fault. I don’t think I can drink beer again.

Bang-bang with the bling-bling.

Picture this scenario. You are getting ready to go out on the town for the night. Nothing will stop you from going, yet you know you’re going to run into someone that is going to start trouble. You’d like to bring something with for self-defense, but it’ll clash with your outfit. Oh what will you do?

Never fear folks, your buddy Contagion has the answer for you. Think brass knuckles! What’s that you say? “Sure they are shiny, but they just don’t look like jewelry.” How wrong you are, someone has been thinking about you and your needs! Rhinestone covered brass knuckles!

“These real brass knuckles have been covered in rhinestone make them chic, sexy, and dangerous.”

Better hurry up and get your pair for all the impending parties coming up!

Access denied... just type bypass.

How many times have you been watching a movie and get irritated by something they do with a computer? I know I do. My personal favorite annoyance is how monitors can be so bright they project the image onto the operator’s face. I spent hours playing with various monitors just to see if I could duplicate it. I was successful once, using a Proxima.

With people becoming more computer savvy every day, you would think Hollywood would at least try to not insult our intelligence. Yet, these are the same people that like to take historical events and turn them into farces of actual events. I swear their motto is, “Screw what really happened, we want more special effects!”

Over at annoyances.org someone took the time to actually list all of their pet peeves regarding The Use of Computer’s in Movies. It’s pretty amusing.

MeMe's Answered

It looks like we have some answers to my earlier meme’s

See the responses for Dr. Phat Tony, Bouddica, Barb and Wes.

ChemicalNova hasn’t had time to post them yet, I think he’s trying to tell us all something.

Oh, and before I get, time to google bomb Dr. Phat Tony again... Can you tell I really want that t-shirt? So now I'll send another link his way for all this stuff: History of Thanksgiving, History of Discovery of America, How to Join the Canadian Army and Girls Gone Wild. Apparently he’s already number one for Humpback Midget.

More on Home Rule.

It’s been a while since I’ve gone off on Home Rule in Rockford, Illinois. After putting up my last two posts I can see I’m getting a steady stream of hits regarding it. That makes me feel good, it shows me that people out there, like myself, are willing to do the research on something before they just blindly take someone’s word on it. Then I saw this article.

“During a short statement, Jim Keeling told the council that home rule is an important tool for dealing with problems and opportunities within the community.

I implore you to adopt an enabling resolution,” Keeling said. “Over the next several months, we hope to have a full public-education process about the specifics of home rule.”

and

“The council puts items on the ballot all the time,” (Mayor) Morrissey said. “I think there are a lot of aldermen who are supportive of home rule.”

Aldermen have until Jan. 17 to pass an enabling resolution for the spring election.

Empower Rockford could also collect and turn in signatures from 10 percent of the city’s registered voters, something Keeling said the group would not attempt.

Back in 1983 when the people decided they wanted to revoke Home Rule, because it was abused, they where forced to collect the signatures. The counsel at the time felt it was up to the people. Today it seems that the people that want to restore want to abuse the system and instead of letting the people decide, force it onto the ballet with out even doing the legwork. Why would they want to do this?

Because if forced to get the signatures they may not get the 15,012 that would be required to get the resolution on the ballot. If they can’t get the signatures, why am I worried, they won’t get the votes, right? Wrong! The tendency of people is to vote yes when they aren’t sure what the referendum is for. That might sound strange, but it is true. People when confronted with a choice on voting; tend not to abstain from the vote if they don’t understand the issue. Instead they will guess and in this case yes/no. So right off the bat you have a 50/50 chance of getting the vote you want. THEN, when you take into consideration there are too many people that will vote they way they are told or in some cases “paid”, you really can swing it the way you want.

By Jim Keeling taking this straight to the city council, we are already witnessing the potential abuses of Home Rule. But home rule isn’t even passed yet, how is this an example. Simple. If they are willing to by pass the people on this issue to get what they want, what won’t they bypass the people on to get what they want? In this article in the Rock River Times, we can see where the Mayor is talking about using Home Rule to increase sales tax and decrease property tax. With out home rule this would have to go to the people to decide. With home rule, the Mayor can take it straight to the counsel and they can decide for the people. ABUSE people. Wake up and smell the coffee!

As citizens they are trying to take away our right of self-governing, they want to take away our voice. Do you want this? Do you feel that someone needs to think for you? I don’t. I want, no… I need to be able to go to the polls and say, “No, I do not want this tax” or “Yes, I want more restrictions on our government.”

Please, people of Rockford. Vote No to Home Rule and voice your concerns to your alderman. We don’t want our basic rights taken away from us.

To see the rest of the Home Rule in Rockford, Illinois posts. Click Here.

Sometimes I'm just stupid.

Oh people what have I done? I took the day off of work… Can’t have me working 5 days in a row now can we? Since I was alone, I thought it was time to hit the stores and do that Christmas shopping that I got sidetracked from doing last Friday. After finishing, I decided that I was going to treat myself to some lunch. Looking in my pocket, I discovered I only had $5.00 and some change to my name. That severely limits the places one can go to get food or at least a food like substance.

Like a herd of stampeding cattle, an idea slammed into my head. I know where I can get real food, at little to no cost! El Burrito Loco! Yes, that is the name of a real restaurant; it’s kind of like a fast food joint, only with real food, and not so fast. They don’t start cooking until you place the order. Off to El Burrito Loco I went!

Walking in I’m greeted by this short Hispanic girl. By short I’m talking she couldn’t have been over four foot 10. She has the stereotypical Hispanic/valley girl accent. You know, the one where no matter what they say, it sounds like they are asking you a question. “Welcome to El Burrito loco? My name is Lupey? Can I help you?” Maybe I should lie and say I’m surprised by that, but I’m not. I’m also not surprised everyone there was Hispanic and that when Lupey called back the order she did it in Spanish. I guess that makes me some kind of racist. It doesn’t help that I don’t like Mexican culture… but I sure love Mexican food!

Looking at their menu my eyes lock on to what I want. GIANT BURRITO (your choice of meat): $4.25. When they say your choice of meat they mean it. They have beef, chicken, pork, tripe, brains, tongue, egg, etc. Yes they really have tripe, brains and tongue on the menu. Me, I’m not feeling adventurous today, I order a beef burrito. $4.54… SWEET! A giant burrito AND change. Lupey yells back “El gringo estúpido para arriba aquí pidió un burrito gigante con carne de vaca!” I smile and go wait with the others. .

Now I’m waiting with a couple of other customers for our orders to come up. Looking around, I notice a plate on the counter that has some of the sickest looking pickles on it. All wrinkly and nasty looking, like they’ve been set out way too long. One of the other customers asks Lupey if they are fried. Sure as hell they are! The customer then asks if they are hot. Lupey responds with, “a little.” The other customer leaves, I walk up to the plate pick one up and pop it in my mouth. Guess what folks, that wasn’t a pickle! That was a deep fried jalapeno. Damn that was good. Lupey looks at me and scrunches her face up like I did something really gross. I think she was upset I didn’t do the stupid gringo “it’s hot” dance. I love hot and spicy food; the deep fried jalapeno was nothing. Lupey yells out, “¡El blanco loco comió el jalepano frito y no hizo la danza!”

A couple of minutes later she hands me a bag and I’m on my way. When I get home I unpack all the gifts I bought and then sat down to eat my burrito and read my e-mail. When I opened the bag this tinfoil ball the size of my head was in there. Grabbing a plate I open it up. People, I kid you not, this thing was the size of my head. It was the largest damn burrito I’ve ever scene. I knew their burritos where big, I’d eaten there before, but this was bigger then normal. I think I got crazy white boy respect from the burrito place. After eating the fried jalapeno with out flinching, the super-sized my giant burrito.
It’s not every day you get that kind of respect from the vatos in the barrio, homes. Therefore, I did what was right by them. I sat down and ate the entire head sized burrito in one sitting. In fact I’m sitting here now with a case of hard belly wishing I was dead. I’m so uncomfortably full that burping is painful.

Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to go pass into a coma now, or vomit.

'O Lutefisk

It is officially Christmas time here in the Contagion household. Last night I took Boopie and Clone to a local church for the annual Lutefisk dinner. What’s lutefisk you ask? Well first we need to make sure you are pronouncing it correctly, it is pronounced loo-te-fisk. Unless you’re Swedish and they pronounce it loot-fisk, but the Swedes are wrong.

Lutefisk is an old Scandinavian delicacy. Originally it was sun dried white fish, mainly cod, that was soaked in lye (Yes, the caustic material that the industrial sector uses to make glass and soap) for at least 3 days and sometimes up to 10. Then you soak it in regular water for about 5 days, give or take a day depending on how long you soaked it in lye. Really, the lye is what makes the texture and taste so happy! That is just to prepare the fish for cooking. So for the few of you that aren’t sticking your heads in buckets, wrenching your guts out, I’ll now share the secret of how to cook lutefisk.

The old fashion way to cook Lutefisk: First off, as a warning do NOT use an aluminum pot or pan unless you wanted it ruined. The cooking process will permanently darken it. First you boil the fish; Boil the water. Add salt, using about three tablespoons of salt for each quart used. (Amount of water depends on the amount of fish cooked. Make sure the fish is at least covered by 2 inches of water). Return to a boil. Add the fish to the boiling water and again return to boil for about 20 minutes. DO NOT OVER COOK! When all is done serve with melted butter.

You can also bake Lutefisk: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. On a large baking sheet place aluminum foil (don’t worry, you’re going to throw the foil away) two sheets thick. Place the lutefisk skin side down and season with salt. Wrap the foil tightly around the lutefisk. Bake for 20 minutes, again DO NOT OVER COOK! When you remove the lutefisk from the oven you will want to drain the excess fluids from the packet. My grandmother recommends just cutting a corner out of the foil and draining it that way. Serve with melted butter.

A great side dish for lutefisk is boiled potatoes, lefsa, pickled herring, rice pudding and lingonberries. Now some people have a white sauce the put over lutefisk, others use a mustard sauce. WELL THEY ARE EATING IT WRONG! Just plain melted butter is all that is needed for this oral delight! Also if it is not cooked properly it tastes really nasty and has a bad texture. Grau once had some that he described as, “fish flavored pre-chewed steak fat.�� Either his was obviously cooked poorly or he was eating the skin. Which let me save you some embarrassment, don’t eat the skin… it’s just there to hold the meat in place.

Anyway, I took the boys for our annual lutefisk dinner with my father last night. This is the 28th year they’ve had it, I’ve been every year except for the 4 years I was in college. It’s also serves as a fundraiser for the Salvation Army, their band comes to provide music for us while we eat and they pass the donation bucket around. It’s the official kick off of the Christmas season for me.

Now I must admit, I used to hate lutefisk… up until 4 years ago. Now I love the stuff, my father loves it as well. Boopie hates it. Clone didn’t care for it last year. When they served it, my father took Boopie's and I took Clones. Don’t worry folks; they also had ham, Korv (Scandinavian Christmas Sausage), Swedish meatballs, real Swedish meatballs. Not the crap they pass off as Swedish meatballs in the stores. We are all eating our fill of Scandinavian delicacies when I ask Clone if he wants to lutefisk. Clone says, “Yeah, I like.�� Okay… So I give him some, I’ll be double dipped in chocolate if the boy didn’t like it this year. He ended up eating half a bowl of it on his own. HALF A BOWL!

My father was so proud that his youngest grandson was eating the lutefisk. He gave me some crap because “it took (me) 24 years to decide he liked it.�� Unfortunately it will be another year before I get a chance to eat lutefisk again. The only person I knew first hand that made it was my grandmother and she’s not making any this year.

To finish this post, I’ll leave you with the lutfisk song in the extended entry.

Sung to ‘O Tannunbaum

Lutefisk... 0 Lutefisk... how fragrant your aroma
0 Lutefisk... 0 Lutefisk... You put me, in a coma
You smell so strong... You look like glue
You taste yust like an overshoe
but Lutefisk ... come Saturday
I tink I'll eat you anyway.

Lutefisk ... 0 Lutefisk ... I put you by the doorway
I vanted you to ripen up ... yust like dey do in Norway
A dog came by and sprinkled you ... I hit him vit an army shoe
0 Lutefisk ... now I suppose
I'll eat you as I hold my nose.

Lutefisk ... 0 Lutefisk ... how well I do remember
On Christmas Eve how we'd receive ... our big treat of December
It vasn't turkey or fried ham ... it vasn't even pickled spam
My mudder knew dere vas no risk ...
In serving buttered lutefisk.

Lutefisk ... 0 Lutefisk ... now everyone discovers
Dat Lutefisk and lefse makes-Norweigians better lovers
Now all da vorld can have a ball ... you're better dan dat Yeritol
0 Lutefisk ... vit brennevin
You make me feel like Errol Flynn.

That's just farking weird!

Oddybobo must think I’m her personal whipping boy. She is one meme away from tying Bou for tagging me the most with these things. DAMMIT, that’s two with in 3 weeks she’s hit me with! (I don't care if I did end that sentence with a preposition, I'm so mad I could spit!)Ya know, you’d think I’d done some horrible thing to her family and she’s out to get revenge. Either that or a comment I made in the past is coming back to haunt me, in a very unusual way.

I spent 30 minutes wishing her hair would fall out all at once. No permanent damage, just something that would be difficult to explain during the holidays, it could grow back in January. Then I sat down to look at what this stupid MEME is.

Five weird habits I have. Is this the top five, most common five, most embarrassing five? It doesn’t say, so I guess I just pick five of the couple of thousand strange habits I have.

A) When I’m alone I will scream out nonsense phrases at the top of my lungs while making funny faces. Yep, I’m like a tourettes plagued simpleton when I’m by myself.

2) At night I grind my teeth (not so weird); I’ve done this ever since I can remember. Every time I go to the dentist, they comment on how I’ve drastically altered the shape and density of my teeth. My molars are sharper then peoples incisors. Dentists have bent, BENT, tools on my teeth during check ups and cleaning (Not a habit, but weird). I routinely eat bones just to see other people’s reaction when I easily bite through them. (Weird habit)

D) I cannot remember the last time my fingernails have seen a trimmers. Using my ever-sharpened teeth, I will bite them off in a clean line as to look like they’ve been trimmed.

4) I have never slept for more then 5 hours straight, I always have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter if I go to the bathroom right before bed or quit drinking anything four hours before I go to sleep. Inevitably, every night I wake up approximately four hours into the night to go to the bathroom.

E) At night when my wife is sleeping, I’ll stare at her boobs and start to… I’m kidding, jeez people, this is not THAT kind of blog. My last final weird habit is that I like to say things purely for the shock factor of it, no matter how much trouble it brings me.

Finally, I’m supposed to tag five people. Whom to tag? I know!

Dr. Phat Tony. He’s good at making lists, plus this helps me send another link his way for all this stuff: History of Thanksgiving, History of Discovery of America, How to Join the Canadian Army and Girls Gone Wild. Apparently he’s already number one for Humpback Midget.

Bouddica: Because I owe her, and I may as well tag her before she tags me!

Barb: I don’t think I’ve every sent her any link love, and I’m not sure she wants this kind.

Chemicalnova: He’s hiding something over there.

Wes: He just needs something to put up on that blog and he’s NEVER done a meme. Consider your cherry popped BEOTCH!

Remember you have to reveal 5 "weird" habits you have and then "tag" five more unsuspecting idiots people to do it. Yea, I know. Don't blame me, blame Oddybobo. SHE tagged me!

Fire, meet gasoline.

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything to piss people off, on here. Yet I can’t help but to bring up something that really annoys the hell out of me. It’s something that many of you do or have done in the past. What is it?

Guest blogging.

I can forgive typos, bad spelling, poor grammar and slang (Hey I’m probably the king of grammatically incorrect misspelled slang with poor grammar!). When I go to a blog and I see a post up by someone other then the blog owner, it irritates me. The reason I go to that blog is so I can read the posts by the normal author. If I wanted to read these other people’s posts, I’d go to their site. If they don’t have a blog of their own, then someone needs to twist their arm a little.

Now before you guest posters go off on me, I’m not saying I don’t like what you wrote. What I’m saying is that I go to that person’s blog to read their thoughts, not yours. Normally when I see a guest post, I just hit the back button and go on to the next blog as if the author has not made a post that day. What, I might be missing out on a great post? You’re correct I might, but I can honestly say I’ve never picked up a new read based on a guest post. I’ve always picked them up based on recommendations or links to a post on their own blog. When I hit my blogroll, I have a limited time to check them all out. When I’m finished, which is rare anymore, I go on to look for new reads. Seeing as I can barely keep up with my blogroll now, I want to make sure I hit all my regular reads before I start looking at new ones.

I understand that many people get guest bloggers while they are away just to keep traffic up. Admittedly, I am a statistic junky. I don’t know if you’ve noticed all the crap in my sidebar, but I’m tracking everything. Yet, I don’t see how you not posting for 1-3 weeks while your on vacation is going to hurt your overall traffic. Yes, while you are gone it is going to drop off. Nevertheless, your readers will return once you do. It has every time I left for a while.

I’m seeing this trend more and more often. In fact, I was recently asked to guestblog for someone while they where away. While I was honored that they not only trusted me with their blog, but that they also appreciated what I did here enough to ask me, I had to decline. In keeping with my beliefs, I could not guestblog somewhere else, while refusing to read other guest bloggers.

This is why I will never have a guest blogger here. Also, this is my blog; it is an extension of me. It’s where I spew forth my toxic and corrupting thoughts across the internet like a bad STD. If I let someone else post here, it would be like giving a piece of me up. This hastily assembled HTML island in the tumultuous sea known as the internet is MY safe harbor. When all else goes bad, I can come here and get away from all the other problems in the world, and focus on me. Why would I want to give a piece of that up?

I know not everyone will agree with me, but what are your feelings on the subject? Am I the only one that feels this way?

Contagionettes? (snicker)

There are different blogging styles, some like to be formal, some journalistic, some are informational and others (like myself) tend to keep it more conversational. I’ve noticed those of us that do the conversational style of posting like to address their readers.

To this point, I’ve always addressed all of you as “readers”. I don’t think this is incorrect, but it feels too formal for me. There are other bloggers that have nicknames for their readers, I kind of like the idea of coming up with a nickname for all of you. I’ve been putting some thoughts into it. Yet I can’t come up with one that not only sounds like something I would say or I like the way it sounds.

I can’t call you minions, because that’s what I call my employees. For a while, I was kicking around calling you the Contagionettes, but I keep laughing every time I typed it. Then I thought of calling all of you sunshine. After a thorough arse kicking I administered to myself, my bruised and battered self decided it was a bad idea.

What do you all think? Do I continue to call you “readers” (which a couple of times I had people think I was calling you breeders) or do you think I should come up with something else to call you? Now, if you say I should come up with something, suggestions would be appreciated. I really don’t want to have to relive that unpleasant experience of trying to shove my foot up my own arse.

Someone called for the Doctor?

Okay, one of my regular reads, and occasional commenter, Dr. Phat Tony is having a contest. What he’s a doctor of I don’t know. I’d say possibly history with his History of Thanksgiving, but I know others that have covered that topic that aren’t doctors. But then he gets into the History of the Discovery of America. Now, being the re-enactor that I am, and the nitpicker of historical accuracy, I can pick out some problems here. Thus, I’m sure he does not have a doctorate in History.

Taking a further look I decided that maybe he has a Doctorate in Public Relations, he tried to help people on How to Join the Canadian Army. He even tried to help American relations in the Middle East with his Girls Gone Wild take off, Muslims Gone Wild. However it seems both seemed to have backfired in the their respective countries.

Then I figured it out. He’s not a doctor; he just uses the title to pick up humpback midgets.

Well anyway, his contest is basically him link-whoring himself out and if a person does well enough you get one of his t-shirts. I was going to buy one, but now I’m going to see if I can win it!

Oh, and he wants to be the number one hit for History of Thanksgiving, History of Discovery of America, How to Join the Canadian Army and Girls Gone Wild. Apparently he’s already number one for Humpback Midget, but it helped with the story above.

I wonder where this puts me in the ranks.

It must be a conspiracy.

Damn it people! Today is just not going the way I planned it. First, I am accused of being a nice guy. I’ve spent most of the morning trying to debunk that rumor. Just when I thought I had it beaten, something happens to undermine all my efforts!

My office is having a drive to collect money for some charity to buy presents for underprivileged kids. Honestly people, I don’t know the name of it. Just let it go, it’s not that important!

Anyway, to raise money they are selling balloons for a $1. This has been going on all day. No, I didn’t buy any balloons; well okay, I bought a balloon for the new sexy red head at work. It just happens to be my wife and I’m somewhat contractually obligated to buy her a balloon. That doesn’t make me a nice guy, only a smart husband.

What? I didn’t mention my wife died her hair red? Sorry, it was an early Christmas gift to me. (YAY ME!) Plus I try to keep this blog PG, not always successfully, but I do try. The story that would go with this definitely would garner an NC-17 rating.

All right, back to the story. All day one of my peers is running around handing out balloons. As I was walking to check on some minions, (I suspected of slacking off) I saw this haggard look on her face. I actually get along with this peer fairly well. Out of the blue, I offer to help pass out balloons. It was like being in a car accident.

Everything slowed down.

Each word seemed long and drug out. My mind is screaming “NO”, yet my mouth kept making the offer. As soon as I finished time reverted to normal, there was no taking back what I had said. My peer smiled, not a small smile, not a polite smile, but a smile of appreciation and thanks! She handed me the balloons she had and went to get more.

There I am, walking around my office with a cloud of balloons following me everywhere I go. People are snickering at the site. A couple even thought that *I* had bought the balloons and where handing them out on my own. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! For over an hour and a half I walked around handing out balloons to the people they where purchased for. Back and forth across our office I walked with balloons, distributing them to people I both knew and didn’t. A rainbow of happiness and joy had permeated the aura of oppression and despair that I try to shield myself. People I did NOT know where smiling and greeting me. I had nightmares that hell was like this, only I was dressed as a clown.

To make matters worse my peer kept coming up and thanking me loudly and publicly! The nerve and audacity of the woman, she should know better! My minions started looking at me in a different light; a couple even tried to address me in polite conversation! This will not do, oh no it will not!

Tomorrow I start pushing for Overtime on the 24th. Christmas Eve mandatory OT is the only thing I can think of that will undo all the damage was done to my reputation.

Maybe some of you are right and I do need to think before I speak.

Horrible Lies!

ACK! Something has gone terribly awry in the land of Contagion. Something bad that needs to be changed quickly. There is a rumor floating around amongst my minions regarding me that I just cannot let continue. It’s not that I mind rumors flying around about me; in fact, I try to encourage as many as possible. The more strange stories about me, the more people don’t know how to react in my presence. Some rumors are true, some are false, I let them continue as long as they add to the mystique that is me.

This time someone has gone too far. Two of my newer minions came up to me to ask a couple of questions this morning. Since they where new and the questions legitimate, I answered them in a clear and concise manner. They thanked me, and then I heard one say to the other, “Minion J was right, he is a nice guy.”

Like fingers on a chalkboard, my brain reeled from that painful sound. NOOOoooooo! They are to fear me, be nervous when I’m around and try to keep from having “meaningful conversations” with me. There was no time to act, I had to react quickly, and my reputation was at stake. Since these where two newer minions, I didn’t want to scar them permanently, so I felt I would let them off with a stern glare this time. Minion J could not be excused for such malicious slander and libel. She would have the bear the brunt of my wrath.

Walking over to Minion J’s desk, I noticed she was talking to Monitor Minion. PERFECT! First thing first, I had to address the fact that they where chitchatting and not working. This sent Monitor Minion scurrying back to her desk. Then I turn to Minion J and say, “I hear you are talking about me.” Of course, Minion J denies the accusation. Then I say to her, “What makes it worse is that you are spreading vicious lies about me.” Minion J claims to have no knowledge of what I’m saying. Blood has drained from her face.

Then I dropped the hammer, “I heard two people talking about how you said I was a nice guy.” Minion J noticeably relaxes and slumps back into her chair. She starts to laugh, LAUGH I tell you! She goes on to explain she feels behind my gruff exterior that I’m actually a nice guy and she’s seen proof of it. She then goes on to give me some obviously misguided examples of my being “nice” to people.

Foolish Minion! What she misconstrued as my being nice, was nothing more then my attempt to get more work out of my minions. Their working harder makes me look better. If that means occasionally I have to do something like give recognition, appreciation and going to bat for them, then so be it. It’s not for them, it’s purely for me!

I would never do anything actually to help someone else. If I did, then people might start expecting things from me, and I can’t have that. They might try to talk or socialize with me. My walking by their desk may no longer scare them into working harder. That crosses the line on my code of ethic. Moreover, nice guys don’t go to sensitivity class.

Well, just to make sure Minion J got my point, I increased her workload for the day. It was all about squashing this nice guy image she’s trying to bestow upon me, and not to prevent any rumors of favoritism.

Video Funnies.

Just a little link fun for everyone tonight. With all the seriousness around here, I decided to lighten things up a little. First, as I haven’t seen anyone else post it yet this year, I felt I would be unoriginal and recycle something from Christmas past.

For all of you that have missed it years past, behold the Burger King Holiday! If you are easily offended, please read the disclaimer at the end of the page. I didn’t create it; I just shared it with you.

Secondly, I Hate My Cubicle has a link to the worst job ever. You have to watch the whole thing to really appreciate it, especially the end.

Whether or not any of this is safe for work depends on your company guidelines. I know mine would frown on my watching either at work.

Thank you for the concern

I have received some e-mails from people today concerned of my state of employment or a perceived soon to be lack of employment. At this time, I would like to thank all of you for your concern on the matter. I appreciate you would take time out of your day just for me. Thank you, Thank you very much.

Let me lay your concerns to rest. My job security is Fort Knox, executive management likes me because I get results and that is what they want. The management in my office likes my results, just not my style. That is why they keep sending me to “sensitivity class”. You need to recall the one I went to back in October was not in response to any actual or perceived transgression of mine. They sent all management to it. It wasn’t actually called a sensitivity class. It was a leadership camp. However, being to previous sensitivity classes it contained much of the same material, hence why I refer to it as one.

Prior to that, it has been 3 years since I’ve been to a sensitivity class. The reason I was sent back then was because I had a dumb arse (fired shortly after) that kept screwing up big time on the same thing. I had explained to them 2-3 times how to do it properly in one week only to have them completely screw up the next week. When I approached them this final time they gave me my ultimate hated excuse, “I didn’t know that.” I’ll admit my temper got the best of me.

I stood there, went over everything we had done the previous weeks, showed them their notes that I made them take the second time I gave them feedback. It was when I said, “We’ve gone over this multiple times last week. You did know about this, do not tell me you didn’t. Either you think I’m a fool or you are lying.” To be honest I didn’t think that was so bad, I wanted to yell at them, “You are depriving the people around you of valuable oxygen you lump of biological extract!” But I didn’t. I did make the individual cry. So, off the sensitivity class I went.

The first time I went? That was due to a stupid joke someone said about me. It wasn’t even do to my actions. I was in my previous position with the company and I was trying to get some work done, and I had these people keep interrupting me for stuff they shouldn’t have been. I told them they needed to leave me alone. (I was not management at the time.) Later on one of the individuals called me “Mean and hateful” jokingly, someone else over heard it and called the corporate ethics department. Whenever a complaint like that is filed with them, the individual had to go to sensitivity class. That department and guideline isn’t there anymore. What’s funny is the two that where joking about me being “Mean and Hateful” keep it up to this day just to see if they can get me sent back.

See, you have no reason to worry. Nothing bad will happen to me; except I may blow my top and you’ll get a funny story out of it.

do I need an attitude adjustment?

Guess where I get to go next week? I’ll give you a hint. It is a direct result of this incident. Unless you’ve never read me before, you’ve probably guessed Sensitivity Class. You would be correct! I get a two-day two-night expense paid trip to the suburbs of Chicago to learn to be “nicer”. This is the fourth time in the last 6 years I’ve been sent. I don’t think it helped when they told me, I responded with, “Yea, I’m sure it’ll take this time.” Some people just do NOT appreciate sarcasm.

Then to make matters worse, we had a big staff meeting this morning and we were going over our “days out of the office” this month. This is just so that we know when someone has either off-site meetings, vacation time or training. When it was my turn, I couldn’t help myself. Neither tact nor shame has been a strong point of mine. I just spouted off, “I have this Friday off, next Tuesday and Wednesday I’m being sent to Sensitivity Class, oh and there is a chance I may get some more spontaneous days off, it appears none of us learned from my last outburst.”

Yes, they pulled me into an office and addressed my attitude with me. First, Sensitivity Class is a private matter between upper management and I. Second, I’m pushing the line of being disrespectful. Third, I cannot plan an “outburst” just to get days off.

Yea, Yea, Yea… says you. I kept my mouth shut…. This time…. For once. I did point out that since I was the one that brought up sensitivity class, they didn’t violate corporate policy. That policy is there to protect the person being sent, not the company. With which they agreed. My brain wanted to go off and “educate” them that I will show proper respect when they deserve it and if you didn’t want me to use this little vacation time loophole, you shouldn’t have shown it to me. I was thinking of trying to get another Friday off to help someone move.

When I returned to work yesterday, it’s shared with me that they promoted someone whom should not have been. At this point, I will digress about this topic due to the fact that some of my minions read this blog and I don’t need them seeing my true feelings on the subject.

God, that speaks volumes doesn’t it?

Party time people!

T1G is looking for hard commitments from those of us going to the blogmeet on January 8. For those of you that are mandated by me to show up, please make sure he knows you are coming and if you are bringing a guest… like a spouse, friend, lover, etc.

If you know of anyone else who may be interested, please let them know, and have them contact me using either my e-mail, or the comments for this post. Also, if for some reason you thought you weren't invited, the original invite was for anyone who was interested. Anyone. Hell, if I'd let Harvey show up, I'm obviously not being picky.

If you want to go, it’s open to everyone, just head over and leave a comment saying, “Yes, I will be there”. Don’t wait too long; we wouldn’t want you to miss all the fun. Plus you’ll miss a chance to see me wearing a kilt and work boots in the middle of winter!

When will this go away.

Every year my wife and I have a New Year’s Eve party. It’s been something we’ve enjoyed hosting for years, and we have fun. We get to end the old year and start the new year with friends. For 6 years now, we’ve invited pretty much the same friends every year. This year we are debating on even having the party.

I have “friends” I don’t want to hang around with anymore, so I don’t want to invite them. The problem is that we have mutual friends whom I’d like to invite to my house. I don’t want to put my friends in the middle of a situation that doesn’t involve them. In addition, I don’t want to stir up trouble with the people I no longer want to associate.

Then there are some new friends I’ve met/made that I would like to invite. I know I would enjoy their company more then my old “friends”. We just don’t have the room to have everyone over in our house. So obviously, someone would have to get cut from the list. Of course I’m leaning toward cutting the old “friends”. Again that brings up the problem of putting mutual friends in the middle of a situation that doesn’t directly involve them.

The mutual friend issue is causing the problem. It’s why I haven’t told a couple of them that I no longer want them in my house or my life. So far, I’ve done well in trying to avoid most of the undesirables since all this began. I still have one that contacts me or comes over at least once a month. I think they are beginning to get the hint however.

What to do? Have the party and actually drag mutual friends into the fray or just cancel the party in general. I’ve already had a couple of inquiries regarding it as the invites are usually in the mail by the last week of November.

It's a heat wave.

What a beautiful day! It’s a balmy 11 degrees outside right now, when I left for work this morning it was a steamy 5! It’s not supposed to get to the 30’s until Sunday. For the next five days, we are supposed to have highs in the mid teens and lows that are single digits. This cold weather is just what we needed! There has been snow on the ground for 5 days straight, which is unusually for Illinois in December. Now if it will only stay around until after Christmas!

I sure wish all my southern readers were able to be up here and enjoy this wonderful weather with me. You just don’t know what you are missing!

It's Christmas time!

On Sunday, the family and I went and picked out our Christmas tree. We always have a real tree. I like the look and smell of them better. They may be harder to clean up, but the overall effect is much nicer. Artificial trees always make me feel like something is missing.

Clone was very excited about getting to pick out a tree. Seeing, as he is only two and a half, this is only his third Christmas. I’m not sure if he actually remembers the Christmas tree from last year or if he’s heard talk about them. What I do know is that when we were getting ready to go get it Sunday morning, Clone didn’t want to cooperate getting ready to go. When Ktreva said we were going to go get a Christmas tree, then Clone became hyper excited and couldn’t wait to go get it. He sat still to get dressed and get his coat, hat and mittens on.

When we arrived at the store to pick the tree, his little eyes grew as big as saucers. A forest of evergreens, stacked in bays just waiting for someone to bring one home. It didn’t take us long to find what we considered the perfect tree. Eight feet tall, somewhat skinny (We don’t have a lot of room for a Christmas tree), a perfect shape. Clone thought it was an excellent tree to have in our house.

We set the tree up when we got home. We usually wait at least 24 hours to decorate the tree once we have it in the house. We like to give it time for the branches to fall back into their pre-shipping squashed position. Tonight, after work, we will decorate the festive victim of floracide. That means tomorrow or even later tonight, there may be festive pictures of our tree for me to share with all of you.

Hurry, There's no time to waste!

If you plan on getting your loved ones the custom printed M&M's for the holidays and haven't yet. You had better do it soon. Orders made today won't be received until 12/23/05!

I would hate to see your loved ones upset they can't have M&M's that spell out "B-L-O-W M-E" or "I-M H-O-R-N-E-Y".

Kids and hangovers.

When drinking since one in the afternoon, and not finishing until around 1 in the morning, getting up at 6 AM with Clone is not fun. There is a severe case of “morning after” going on in my head right now. Well worth it though, a good time was had.

Oh, and to the deer that decided to jump out at me last night on my way home. You’re damn lucky my truck handles snow really well (It was snowing at the time). If it didn’t you would have been a big red splat on the pavement.

I’m going to go soak my head in a bucket of water now.

My afternoon.

Well I spent the afternoon, unlike I said earlier, depleting the world supply of Guinness with T1G. Apparently two guys off of work makes the perfect excuse to get together at the local Hooters restaurant to flirt with waitresses, eat hot wings (Which is the real reason we went there, contrary to popular belief) and drink lots and lots of Guinness. Why Guinness? Why not!?!?!?

As for Christmas shopping I meant to get done, eh that will be another day. Taco Johns will have to wait as well. It was a pleasant afternoon. Spent eating good food (Hooter’s wings with 911 sauce are the bomb, yo!), in good company and drinking good beer. Like I had anything better to do with my unplanned day off!

DRATS!

Well it appears my e-mail isn't working properly. I'm receiving e-mails minutes to hours after they've been sent. IE I had one person send me an e-mail. Then sent a follow up to that same e-mail. I received the follow up before I received the orriginal e-mail it figures.

I wonder if this has anything to do with all the porn I'm down loading.

It's not a vacation!

Ah my good and faithful readers, I am currently live blogging from my very own computer at home. I’m sure you are all asking yourselves, “Wait, how can that be Contagion? You work, you have minions to torture and inventory to move.” Well today I don’t. I have some “Time Off” for the day. Apparently my peers and management don’t like being called “Farking Idiots” in the middle of a staff meeting. I just don’t understand why not, they are. It’s not like I was caught lying to them by saying, “You are the most competent and able management staff I’ve ever had the privilege of working with or for.”

So I’m going to spend some time today doing stuff like…. Trimming my toe nails, catching up on blogging, trimming my finger nails, read some blogs I’ve never been to before, trimming my facial hair, doing some Christmas shopping, trimming some pubic hair and I think I’m going to travel across town to get some Taco Johns for lunch. Why? Because I can, what else am I going to do with the day? The shooting range isn’t open on Friday, plus I really don’t want to travel an hour and a half just to spend an hour shooting to drive back. I did some math, with the cost of bullets, fees and gas it usually costs me around $100.00 for an hours worth of fun. I can invest that $100.00 into alcohol and spread it out for 4 hours. MMMmm, Alcohol… I can do that!

OH! Maybe I’ll go see a movie… no, can’t do that. I refuse to be the dork that goes to movies by themselves. And before any of my readers who do that get on me, yes you are a dork for going to the movies by yourself. Find a friend for pete’s sake, I’m free today!

Heck I’m free possibly even into next week, rest of the month, could be through the beginning of next year. I think it depends on how pissed off they really were. Oh, I guess I should at least pretend to be remorseful. Wait, I just can’t. Even after getting a good 10 hours of sleep and not being pissed today, I still have no regrets. To be honest, when I return to work I think I might do it again, just in case they missed my point. These people need to realize they are farking idiots!

Well I’m off to visit the blogosphere. My IM is in the on position so if you e-mail me I’ll probably respond right away. If you don’t then you will never know the joy of having e-mail chat with someone the likes of me!

Now it's time for change.

Well people, it looks like there is a major life altering change coming my way, and not in the good way. How major? Let’s just say the only thing I can think of that is more major would be imminent death. Others may argue there are things much worse then this, but they aren’t me.

I won’t know for sure until all the parties involved have a chance to cool off, mainly me. On a scale from one to ten on the anger scale, I surpassed a star going supernova. Things were said, actions done. Some may be repairable, most likely not. Whether or not the other parties involved care even to attempt to make amends, if I decided that’s what I want to do, is unknown.

Right now, I think the other parties see greener pastures and would rather be there. I’m still fuming as I type this. In fact, this is my fourth draft as I scrapped the others due to my anger getting control of what I was typing. I’ve hit the calm stage, where I’m smiling and quiet. Nothing more then short one-syllable words are coming out of my mouth, and only when I’m directly asked a question that demands a verbal answer.

Maybe things can be worked out, maybe they can’t. Then again, maybe I’ll be given a million dollars tomorrow. Either way something is going to happen, and soon. I’ve decided I’m skipping November and December next year, this year it’s bringing me way too much grief.

An Exercise tip.

I found the secret to exercise success folks! I used to work out 30 minutes a night on my exercise bike and it was shear hell. It felt as if I would die of boredom. I bought the bike because I thought that if I were able to watch TV, the time would just fly by. That theory was pure and utter BS. The first ten minutes wasn’t bad, the last 20 minutes was horrible. I couldn’t wait for the timer on the bike to go off and tell me I could stop. I never went over 30 minutes.

In September, some of you may recall I bought an Xbox. At the same time, I changed my exercise routine. Figuring 30 minutes just wasn’t enough I decided to up it to an hour a night. The catch this time was that I was going to play Madden while exercising.

This was the greatest exercise idea of all time!

That hour just flies by. I’ve even continued to peddle after the timer goes off because I’m in the middle of the game and don’t want to pause it. Sure controlling the guys is a little more difficult. After some practice, you are able to compensate for it. The other issue that concerned me was if I stopped peddling. This actually isn’t that big of an issue. I found that I peddle faster when I have a guy running with the ball. Also I noticed that if the game is not going my way I peddle harder to get my frustrations out. When I’m having a good game, the extra endorphins just make it that much more enjoyable.

I’ve been doing this for about two and a half months now. On the couple of occasions that I watch TV instead of played Madden, that was one of the longest hours of my life. Everyday I play my exercise around when I can get an hour to play Madden. I even look forward to getting on the bike because I like the feeling I have when I get off the bike after a good win. Endorphins and adrenalin are a wonderful combination.

Excuses.

From various comments and e-mails, I’ve received from people. There is some confusion as to my post regarding the pending blogmeet. Just for clarification, I would like to post some simple facts:

A)I am not the one putting on, hosting nor organizing this event. That would be the social butterflies that are T1G and Tammi. Remember people, I am shy. There is no way in hell I would host or organize anything like this. Any questions or concerns should be directed toward them, not I. As my typical answer will be, “I don’t know, talk to T1G or Tammi.”

2) My summons was just a list of bloggers that I have been reading for a while and would like to meet, that I have not met before. It was not an exclusive list of who is invited or not invited. My understanding from reading T1G’s original post, it is open to whoever wants to come. If I have met you in the past, I purposely did not single you out for summoning! I figure having dealt with me once in person is enough punishment for a lifetime.

D) Various people where left off my list, mainly because I have not met many of the bloggers out there, and I could have had a list that looked like, well my sidebar. I chose based on bloggers I have read for a while and have been commenting on their blogs as well as been receiving comments from them for a while now.

5) If I’ve been reading your blog and commenting a lot of late and you weren’t listed, I’m sorry… well not really. There was probably some underlying reason such as, I don’t have a good rapport with you yet, you seem anti-social, you come across as stuck-up or I just plain forgot. You choose which excuse you would like. I gaurentee if you ask me, it’ll be one of those.

As for those of you that where summoned, I expect you to show up and be happy. It is not optional!