2 reasons I probably wouldn't survive a horror film.

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Here in Urban Legends and Horror HQ I like to think I'm a little knowledgeable when it comes to the horror genre, I may not bother myself with every horror film I come across but I've seen more than enough to give me a good idea of what to expect of those situations.

So naturally, being a long time horror lover, I just assume that I would ass-kick my way through any bad guy or evil doer without even breaking a sweat. 

This however, would probably never happen.

Reason 1: I am the shower scene girl from any horror film ever.

I may have seen any horror film I could get my hands on and read every single Point Horror book as a child but I also forget this stuff at crucial times. 

Let's take a more or less recent example. Before I moved to my current house, I lived in a tiny cottage with my better half in the countryside. He was at work, it was nighttime and I decided to take a shower. So there I am, in our tiny shower minding my own business. Mid shower I hear a few noises but as a fearless woman I obviously brush them off... I wish. What actually happened was that I promptly turned off the shower, wrapped myself in a towel and crept down the staircase to see what the noise was.

Oh hi there Mister Evil Killer Guy, it's me, half naked shower lady presenting myself for slaughter.

My entire knowledge-base of DOs and DON'Ts of the horror genre literally evaded me that night. What if there actually was a machete wielding hockey player in my living room? Right there I just became the most pathetic death in a Scream sequel.

Typical Shower Scene. GIF source http://scream.tumblr.com/

Reason 2: I am the worst person ever in "crisis" situations.

A lot of horror films tend to feature some typical character roles: the leader, the loner, the beauty, the smart one. Some real worldly situations have taught me that unless I have someone to tell me what to do in a crisis, I probably won't do very well.

Take two weeks ago for example. I'd put the washing machine on and just finished washing the dishes, noticing that the water was draining pretty darn slowly in the sink. I finish up in the kitchen and come back into the living room to watch my boyfriend playing Xbox, casually mentioning that the kitchen sink wasn't draining properly. A few minutes later I go back into the kitchen to check on the water only to find that the sink was overflowing with water all over the floor. What do I do? I shout for my boyfriend. Multiple times. He immediately rushes in to see me, staring at the sink, water flowing everywhere and promptly grabs a few pans and empties the water out of the sink.

My reaction, freeze and call for help. His reaction, actually do stuff to you know, help the situation.

This wasn't the first instance of this happening. We've had a small fire that I discovered in the kitchen and upon my discovery, I shouted for my boyfriend. Our dog ran out of our garden into the street, I shouted for my boyfriend. In horror films, the damsel in distress is mostly always killed pretty quickly, sometimes in a towel because she just climbed out of the shower to investigate a strange noise.

So there you have it, I am one big disaster in crisis situations. I can picture it now. An evil toy clown comes at me with a comically large knife. Instead of dealing with that myself, I call for my boyfrie- Oh wait he killed me already. 

Yeah, he's tiny. And what? Image from: El Grimlock, Deviant Art

There are probably a lot more reasons I'd be a good target for most film bad guys but the good thing about this is, now I know my weaknesses. I can work on them and then promptly begin the ass-kicking if I ever need to. Unless my boyfriend is nearby, then he can do it.

Are there any reasons you wouldn't survive the first act of a horror flick?

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Tap tap tap...

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Katie and Joe had treated themselves to a lavish dinner for their 1st anniversary. They had been friends since childhood and always found ways to keep themselves amused despite knowing each other for so long. Knowing that traffic was extremely likely on the normal route home, Joe decided to take the deserted long way home, through a dense forested area.


After about half an hour the car slowed to a stop. Looking over at Joe, Katie knew he was being mischievous and gave him a stern look. "Come on Joe, I want to go home, don't you start" she scolded.


"Aww, come on! There's nobody around" he grinned.


He leant in for a kiss but Katie pushed him away, "I don't think so, this may be our anniversary but I'm not about to get it on in your car" she laughed.


"Oh fine, but you owe me" he huffed, jokingly.

Turning the ignition to awaken the car once more, Joe looked puzzled when nothing happened. He turned it again but still, nothing. Rollin her eyes Katie said "Come on, this has been done to death. Get on with it".
"Seriously, it won't start" Joe replied, demonstrating again that the car wasn't responding.

Image from flickr gorchakov.artem title: Gloomy Forest

They were stranded in the middle of a wood with nowhere to go. Both checked their phones, Joe's was dead and Katie had no signal.


After what seemed like an age, Joe declared that he was going to find the nearest petrol station or public phone. Getting her coat ready to go with him, Katie nodded. "No, you stay here and keep warm in the car" he said.


"Are you sure?" she asked.


"I'll be fine, I'm pretty sure there's a station about 30 minutes walk away" he reassured her.


Agreeing to stay with the car, Katie lightly kissed her boyfriend on the lips and settled into the back seat of the car. Slightly tired, Katie decided to have a nap whilst Joe was gone.


Tap, tap, tap. The distinct sound of tapping woke Katie up from her 'nap'. Looking at her watch, she discovered she had been sleeping for 3 hours. Puzzled that it had been so long without Joe returning, she peered out the window. It was night time and the density of the trees made it hard to see anything. 


Worried she climbed into the front seat and tried the ignition one more time, a fruitless attempt she knew but she wanted to at least try. She played a game on her phone for a little while having forgotten about how she had been woken.


About 10 minutes after she began playing, the tapping noise had returned. Tap, tap, tap it went. Not knowing what could be making the noise puzzled her. Shining her phone out of the window, she saw that they were not parked underneath a tree despite the area they were in. 


The tapping noise came and went every few minutes. Getting quite worried, she locked the doors and stopped using her phone. 20 minutes passed before any noise returned, this time however, it was a scraping noise that she heard. This freaked her out, lying down in the seat as low as she could, she closed her eyes and prayed for the noise to cease. 


Knowing that something was wrong with Joe didn't help to ease her anxiety, if he had made it to a station he would have returned by now. 


It had been at least 5 hours since Joe had left and about 2 of enduring the strange noises around the car. She was trying to think of anything just to take her mind off the situation. The noise started up again but was interrupted with flashing lights. 


The light filled the car and Katie sighed in relief, Joe must have gotten help. 


"This is the police, stay right where you are" a loud voice sounded through the air.


Puzzled, Katie wondered what on earth was going on. Unlocking her door she was greeted by a police officer looking pale. She looked around at the other officers and was immediately confused. They were all pointing guns right at her. "There must be some mistake, I've not done anything" she explained. 


"Just come with me, you're not in any trouble" the officer replied gently. Walking towards the cars with him he added "We're going to get you out of here but whatever you do, don't look back towards the car". 


Annoyed that he had said this, she looked like any normal person would. What she was greeted with made her throw up instantly on the muddy road. 


Right there on top of her boyfriend's car was a dirty man holding a bloody axe in one hand and her boyfriends severed head in the other. The noise through the night was him tapping on the roof with his axe. 

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The Furry Gown.

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During summer break, two best friends: Jenny and Laura decided to have a girl's night in. Jenny's parents were on holiday for a week so they had their sleepover at her house. During the night they watched DVD's, put on face masks and had a good time.


At about 11:00pm Jenny decided that they should tell some scary stories to put them in the mood for a horror film. Although Laura wasn't a massive fan of all things scary, she was having a nice evening so she joined in regardless. After telling a few ghost stories they flicked through the channels on the TV to see if there were any horror films playing. They scanned through the many channels pausing briefly to see what was on each. On the news channel there was a report on an escaped inmate from the criminally insane prison in the next county.


"That's fitting for tonight isn't it?" joked Jenny, "Maybe we should grab some bats and go lock all the doors".


"Haha Jenny" Laura replied, warily "We should probably do that actually, best to be safe".


"Ok, you do upstairs and I'll do down here. We'll meet in my room and get our pyjamas on" Jenny laughed.


So the girls went round the house locking all the doors and making sure the house was secure. Laura arrived at the bedroom first. Finding her overnight bag, she changed into her night clothes.


After about 10 minutes she began to wonder where Jenny was. Walking over to the door she listened out for Jenny locking doors. What she heard when she got there made her heart stop. A dragging sound was coming down the hallway, muffled cries following. Running over to the wardrobe she climbed in and watched through the crack in the door. Seeing a shadow in the doorway, she held her breath, her heart almost beating out of her chest.


The bedroom door burst open and a very healthy looking Jenny jumped into the room laughing. Falling out of the wardrobe with fright, Laura gave Jenny her most annoyed look and threw a book a her. "Thanks for that" she said, "I've just aged 20 years".


"Sorry, I couldn't resist" laughed Jenny. Throwing the book back playfully, she changed into her pyjamas and took her dressing gown out of the wardrobe. "Do you like it?" Jenny asked, "My parents bought me it as a way of saying 'sorry we're going on holiday without you'".


The dressing gown was floor length and was covered in luscious black fur.


"It's not real fur, is it?" Laura questioned.


"Noo, we're not that rich" Jenny joked, wrapping the furry gown around herself.


"So what shall we do.." Laura was cut off mid sentence by a muffled bang downstairs. Looking straight towards Jenny she asked, "What have you set up now?".


Looking puzzled Jenny replied, "Nothing, I'm not stupid enough to try to scare you twice in one night". Creeping over to the door together, they listened for another sound. Certain that Jenny was just pulling another prank, Laura pulled open the door and shouted "Oooh, so scary".


The silence was broken with another bang. Suddenly the house was in darkness. Pulling Laura back into the bedroom Jenny whimpered. "I promise that it isn't me, I'm right here, how could I be doing this?".


Grabbing her phone for light, Laura illuminated the room. Seeing the look on Jenny's face made her instantly scared. A scuffling noise pierced the silence. Panicking, Laura instantly dialled the police number on her phone. As the phone began to ring, it made a beeping noise and died.


"Great" she whispered, "What are we going to do?".


"My phone is downstairs, I'll creep down and get it" Jenny replied, pulling on her shoes.


"WHAT? No way! What if someone's down there?" Laura cried.


"It's my house, I know every creaky stair and floorboard, I'll be back in a minute" Jenny didn't wait for Laura's response and she crept out the door.


Heart pounding in her chest, Laura looked out the window to see if she could jump out. 'Nope, way too high' she thought. Before she could return to the bed, a loud noise startled her. Almost in tears, she had no idea what to do. Hearing heavy footsteps downstairs, she hoped that it was Jenny.


After about 10 minutes, Jenny hadn't returned, so Laura decided to go look for her. Creeping out the room, she tried to make as little noise as possible. She'd been to Jenny's house hundreds of times before, so she knew which stairs creeked and which didn't. When she reached the ground floor she heard a shuffling noise. Getting to her hands and knees, she began crawling along the corridor, making sure not to make any noise.

Picture from: www.altitudeart.com

She reached the living room, where Jenny had last had her phone. Crawling along to the sofas she put her hand out to feel for Jenny. "Jenny, are you in here?" she whispered. Making her way to the armchair she stopped. She could feel a presence in the room. Reaching out she felt the welcome texture of the furry dressing gown. "Thank god Jenny". Standing up she groaned "So this was all a trick. Nice. Well you scared me, again".
When she didn't receive an answer, she pushed Jenny playfully. Again no answer. Suddenly the electricity flashed back on and the sight that met Laura was horrific. Screaming at the top of her lungs, she was staring straight at Jenny. Jenny was still wearing her new fluffy gown, but all that was visible of her body was the bloody stump of her neck. Her head was nowhere to be found.


The police found that Jenny had not infact locked all the doors downstairs. She had been playing along, not really believing that her house was at risk. The back door was wide open and a bloodstained, blunt axe was left on the kitchen counter.

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So you want to survive a horror movie?

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If you've watched as many horror films as I have, you will be screaming at the TV as much as I do. Here are some tips on how to survive a slasher movie, you know, just in case.

1) Never say "This only happens in movies", you will die. Fast.


2) Never get drunk or high off drugs. You will be killed, albeit in a funny manner.


3) Don't randomly decide you're horny. Sex whilst being stalked by a maniac is just asking for it.


4) Look up lucid dreaming on the internet. Learn it, practice it, apply it.


5) Unless you want to: 1) Have the lamest death ever 2) Be killed in your dreams. You should make friends with caffeine, sleeping will result in your demise. Coffee, Coke, Pepsi, Red Bull, Pro Plus = all good sources.


6) Dress respectfully, if you watch these flicks carefully you'll see that the scantily clad, naked ladies get killed first.


7) Did you hear that? Yes we all heard it and we are now going to get away from the area. Do not ask who is there and do not go find the source of the noise.


8) Ooooh what's that? We don't know, and you don't want to know. Do not touch it, in fact run in the opposite direction.


9) Feeling mucky? Deal with it. If you climb into a shower with a madman on the loose then frankly, you deserve your fate.


10) Wear sensible shoes. You're going to fall over. A LOT. Running in stilettos will just make you an easier target. Even if you're running across a completely flat surface, you will trip, the killer will be ambling towards you and you will be screwed.


11) Are you an oddball? Or a loner? give yourself a pat on the back, you're going to survive.


12) Are you a bully? Ridiculously popular? Congratulations you've killed yourself off before the film's even started.


13) Remember how you never go anywhere without your phone? Hang it around your neck if you have to, just keep it with you. Make sure it's charged and ring the police, not your parents, not your boyfriend. The police.


14) Has the killer infiltrated your house? Then leave. Don't run upstairs and lock yourself in your bedroom. You will almost certainly die. You are not Sidney (scream) so just run for it.


15) If you have a gun, check the safety now. Later will be too late.


16) Keep your knives in a drawer, not in a knife block. Take the biggest one you have with you.


17) Home alone for the night? Babysitting? Check that EVERY door and window is locked. In fact, check all the wardrobes, cupboards and showers before the parents leave.


18) After you've checked all the wardrobes, cupboards and showers for a killer, DO NOT use them as a hiding spot. Chances are that the first places you look for a killer are also the first places they will look for their victims.


19) Have you found a good hiding place? Then shut your mouth, literally. The smallest whimper will give away your location.


20) Phew! You escaped the killer. Run and find a car to escape in. Bear in mind that any of these will happen: 1) There is no petrol (gas). 2) You will drop the keys in a puddle of mud. 3) The killer will predict which car you'll be taking so check the backseat. 4) No matter how fast you run or how far you drive, the killer will catch up (with his slow amble) and probably appear in front of the car.


21) Pay attention to your background music. This will tell you when you're about to die. In fact, listen out for some ominous music, a lot of killers have their own theme tune.


22) Have a boy/girlfriend? Not for long. They either die, making you a nervous wreck who will be killed next OR I'm sorry to break this to you but, they're the psychopath.


23) Does your maniac talk endlessly? Then he's the easiest to kill. Killers who remain silent for the entire film will not die, a lá Michael Myers.


24) Think you've killed the monster? Do not feel for a pulse, listen for breath or celebrate. They're not dead. Smash them in the face a few more times, run them over some more or slice the head off.


25) Hopefully you've survived your encounter with a madman! Be prepared for a good few sequels, for the killer to have siblings wanting to avenge their death, for the killer to come back with superhuman powers. In fact, just accept that you'll never be rid of the psycho.


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Hope you enjoyed the list! Have you got any tips or rules? Post them in the comments and I'll add them in!

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