This Should Be The Next "New Parent" Handbook

A few days ago I purchased this book on my Kindle. I laughed my entire way through it. When I was reading it late at night while lying in bed, Ed yelled at me several times because I was laughing too loudly.

If you're familiar with Justin Halpern, the guy who became wildly famous when he started tweeting his father's priceless quips on Twitter, you'll love this book. And if you don't know who Justin is, I think you'll find it impossible to not fall in love with his dad, Sam Halpern, who is the subject of the book.

Here are just some of the nuggets Sam dispenses:

On Chivalry
"Give your mother the front seat...I don't give a shit if she said you could have it, that's what she's supposed to do, and you're supposed to say, 'No, I insist.' You think Im' gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You're a crazy son of a bitch."

On Making a Christmas List
"You ranked the twenty-five presents you want, in order of how much you want them? Are you insane? I said tell me what you want for Christmas, not make a fucking college football poll."

School
"Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan."

On Getting a Dog
"Who's going to take care of it? You?...Son, you came in the house yesterday with shit on your hands. Human shit. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them."

On Sharing
"I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often."

On Choosing One's Occupation
"You have to do something you love... Bullshit, you clearly have not heard this speech before, because you're working at Mervyn's."

On Yard Work
"What are you doing with that rake?...No, that is not raking...What? Different styles of raking? No, there's one style, and then there's bullshit. Guess which one you're doing."

I love a parent like this. They love you to death and tell it like it is. They don't let you go out into the world thinking it's going to be easy or that people are going to line up to do you favors. You have to cut through the bullshit and not be an asshole. Not everything is going to go your way. Deal with it.

I know Father's Day is right around the corner and this would be a great gift. There's still time. Perfect for new fathers; maybe it'll give them some insight on how to raise kids that aren't losers. Or even great for old timers; it'll give them the best laugh they've had in a long time.

Now go out and give Justin Halpern some of your money. I could be next you know, with Shit My Mom Says and I'd hope people would do the same for me!


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
1 YEAR AGO: Would You Like A Little Screech To Go With Your Whine?
2 YEARS AGO: Jane’s Anatomy
3 YEARS AGO: Plus People Are Here To Stay
4 YEARS AGO: Baiting The Hook
5 YEARS AGO: Purgatory