Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

On this day nine years ago I was freshly grieving the loss of our first baby whom I had miscarried at eight weeks.  I felt like a failure and I was terrified that there was something wrong with me… that I would never be able to have a baby of my own.  I ached for that empty space to be filled again and I begged and pleaded with God for months to bless us with another pregnancy. 

Once we found out we were expecting again, I was beyond grateful, but I spent the next nine months walking on eggshells, paralyzed with fear that it would happen again.  It was a very long pregnancy and a lonely journey.  I was so blinded by anxiety that I didn’t even allow myself to enjoy it. 

You see, at the time, I barely knew of anyone who’d ever had a miscarriage because it was a subject that most people didn’t discuss.  What I didn’t know back then, and what every woman SHOULD know, is that miscarriage is common. 

It happens a lot. 

And it doesn’t happen because you did something wrong. 

And it doesn’t mean that it will happen again.

And it doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to have healthy babies. 

Sometimes it just happens because it happens and there’s no real explanation for it.

That knowledge may not make the loss hurt any less, but I know it sure would have made me feel less alone.  So mommas out there who have experienced or are currently experiencing this loss, please know you are not alone.

We were blessed with our rainbow baby just a little over a year after we lost our first baby and he’s everything that we prayed for – kind, smart, funny, obnoxious at times, and so stinking cute.  But above all, we have a healthy child of our own… the very thing I was worried we would never have. 

Several years ago, I wrote about my personal experience with miscarriage and some thoughts I learned along the way and I hope it offers a little bit of comfort to someone who needs it. 

To everyone who has lost, you are in my prayers today. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I couldn’t let the month go by without mentioning it here on the blog.  It is something that has affected me personally, so I just wanted drop in and say…

To all of the mommas out there who have gone through it, who are currently going through it, and who might eventually go through it, I am thinking of you and praying for you.  I, too, am a statistic.  I am one in four, and I, too, have experienced that immense pain that you have felt, that void that you thought would never fill. 

A couple of years ago I wrote some of my feelings in this post with the hope that it might eventually be a ray of light in somebody’s darkness, and I hope that it provides a bit of comfort for someone today. 

Just know that you are never alone.  <3

*Linking up with Home of Malones for Thoughts for Thursday.

 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Unfortunately I know the pain of pregnancy loss all too well.  It was by far the most heartbreaking thing that I have ever been through… the feeling of emptiness, the feeling of despair, the feeling of inadequacy.  I was completely lost and despondent for months after losing our first baby back in 2010.  I was terrified that I would never have biological kids of my own.  I ached to be pregnant again.  And I mourned the loss of the little babe who I would never cradle in my arms. 

Miscarriage happens a lot.  And it’s painful.  And it’s completely and utterly heartbreaking.  And my heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in those same shoes that I was once forced to walk in.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day this Saturday, October, 15th, I wanted to take the time today to remember our little one who we never got to meet.  The one who we never got to hug or kiss.  The one who will never grace the pages of this blog. 

Was he a rough and tumble little boy or was she a graceful and dainty little girl?  Would he or she have had the green eyes that I inherited from my own mother or would they have had their Daddy’s beautiful blue eyes?  Brian’s sandy blonde hair or my own brown hair?  Would they be shy like both of us or would they be blessed with an outgoing personality?  Would they be hilarious like our other two babies turned out to be?  Kind-hearted?  Intelligent?

These are things that I think about daily, and they are things that we will never know here on earth, but God willing, they are things that we will find out one day after we leave. 

To all of you mommas out there waiting for your little miracles, know that I am praying for you on this day and every day.  And if you need some encouragement, or just need to know that somebody else has faced the same struggles that you’re currently facing, feel free to read my story here:

Ten Things I Learned from Having a Miscarriage & How That Knowledge Helped Me Weather the Storm

I learned a lot because of my miscarriage and if I can make a difference for even one person, then putting my story out there has served its purpose.

*Linking up with Home of Malones for Thoughts for Thursday.

Five on Friday – This Week’s Happenings

Was it me or was this the longest week of all time??  Sheesh.  I know it probably just feels that way because last week was short, but I’m excited that Friday is finally here… especially since I thought yesterday was Friday… and the day before that as well…

Anyhoo, we’ve had a lot going on this week, so I’m recapping all of it today! 

O N E – Girl’s Night Out + a Movie Review

Tuesday evening I went on a date with my mom and my Mama Cass (grandmother) to see a movie.  First of all, we’ve never all three gone to a movie before, so this was the hugest treat.  Second of all, my momma and I haven’t gone out together in a long time either, so we were long overdue for a date.  Finally, we went to see The Light Between Oceans, and you guys, this was one of the best movies that I’ve seen in a long time.  I have not read the book... I actually had not ever heard of it, so I didn’t have any kind of expectations for the movie, but it was phenomenal.  It was heart-wrenching and heart-warming and devastating all at the same time.  I only knew one of the actresses in the movie and everyone else was completely unknown to me, but I became invested in the characters very quickly and I found myself feeling their pain as if it were my own. 

I highly recommend this movie, but I will say this, though.  If you are currently struggling with miscarriage or infertility, then I would suggest that you either wait until you can watch it at home or just skip it altogether.  There were a couple of scenes that were very hard to watch, and as a mommy of an angel baby myself, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to watch this a few years ago when I was still healing from our loss.  Those scenes dredged up some pretty raw emotions for me, and it’s been six years since my miscarriage. 

I will definitely be adding this book to my list, though.  Since the movie was so good, I’m sure that the book will be excellent, as I always like books better than the movies anyway.

And finally, thank you God for my two healthy babies. 

That is all.

T W O – Star Student

My baby boy was the star student this week at school so he got to do something special each day to celebrate!

Monday – he brought in his poster that we worked on all weekend and he got to tell his fellow classmates a little bit more about himself.

Tuesday – he brought in three of his favorite things.  He chose a Hot Wheels car, a Star Wars Lego vehicle called a “Snow Speeder,” and this flying monkey toy that he has that he’s been playing with recently.  It’s funny because he hasn’t really given that thing the time of day until this last week, and then he chose it as one of his favorite things. 

Wednesday – he brought his favorite book to share with the class.  It is a book about all of the Marvel characters… kind of like a Marvel character encyclopedia.

Thursday – he got to invite people to have lunch with him.  He wanted Brian and myself as well as my parents, Brian’s dad, and Brian’s mom and step-dad.  B’s mom and step-dad are at the beach this week, so they weren’t able to come, but the rest of us joined him and we enjoyed seeing him in his school atmosphere with all of his friends.

Friday – he brought goody bags for his classmates.  We stuffed them with little notebooks, pencils, rulers with alphabet stencils, lollipops, and erasers that are also little puzzles.

It was a great week for him at school and we are so proud of our little star.

T H R E E – A Bit of Early Christmas Shopping

The other day while the kids were playing at Barnes & Noble, Olivia started pulling some books off of the shelves, and they caught my eye because they are awesome.  They are called 5-Minute Stories and they have them for all different categories – Frozen, Princesses, Marvel, Star Wars, Nickelodeon characters, etc.  The books are hard back, nice-sized and really thick, they are only $9-$10 each on Amazon, and they are all short stories that are perfect to read before bedtime.  I immediately went on Amazon and bought these three and I’m on the hunt for one more for Jacob.  These are also perfect for birthday gifts!

F O U R – Trimming Back on Sweets

So I’ve always been a pretty healthy person.  I’ve always loved working out and I generally eat pretty healthy, but I also have a major sweet tooth, and most nights I’m reaching for something sweet before bedtime – frozen yogurt, ice cream, the occasional cookie cake.  Well, ever since I had Olivia a couple of years ago I’ve started noticing that my weight isn’t as easy to keep off as it used to be, and my late night ice cream escapades are starting to catch up with me.  Fortunately I’ve also always been a very proactive person, so I decided that it is probably better to go ahead and start fending off the potential weight gain now before it’s too far gone to easily undo it.  I’m not doing anything drastic or anything, but I have decided to cut out my evening treat Monday – Thursday to see if that helps.  This is my first week doing it, and it has definitely been hard… especially when B goes to the freezer at 9:30, pulls out a Snickers Ice Cream bar, and waves it in my face.  -_-   #TrueStory

Ahem, but anyway, I actually feel a difference after just four days and I’m starting to wonder if my light weight gain was just bloating… because after just four nights with no frozen yogurt my stomach has flattened significantly and I also feel a lot better.  I’m now wondering if maybe I have a slight intolerance to dairy?  I never have before (that I know of) so it would have to be something of a recent development.  I guess I could always try Whole 30 to find out, but I don’t have that much discipline.  #AndILikeIceCreamTooMuch #AndWine

I’m not completely depriving myself of sweets because life would be boring without them, so I’m still going to indulge Friday – Sunday, but I’m going to try and stay dessert free Monday – Thursday since it’s making me feel so good!  However, I will never turn down a donut… and that’s exactly why I ate this one on Thursday morning at work.  ;o) 

F I V E – Fall Fashion Staples + a Giveaway

Did you catch my post on Wednesday?  I posted all about my favorite fall fashion staples, and I also partnered with JORD to host a giveaway for a $100 e-card so you can buy your own gorgeous watch.  You can head here for details on how to enter the contest.

Well, I’ve written a book today, friends, so that’ll be my cue to go!  I hope you all have lovely weekends!  And GO DAWGS.  I’m worried about this game. <insert cringey-face emoji>

*Linking up with A Liz Adventures and Carolina Charm for Five on Friday, A Little Bit of Everything for Friday Favorites,  September Farm and The Farmer's Wife for Oh Hey, Friday, Meet @ the Barre for Friday Favorites, Cup of Tea for High Five for Friday, and Our Pretty Little Girls for Rewind Friday!

Mountain Trip to Hayesville, NC + My First Time White Water Rafting

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we are heading to the mountains in October to enjoy a little mini vacay while Jacob is on fall break.  Since we are staying at my Uncle’s mountain house, I started reminiscing about our last trip to the mountain house many years ago, and I thought that it would be fun to recap that trip.  My goal is to eventually get all of our old vacations on the blog one day anyway, so this will be the start of it.

This trip took place back in 2010 before we had any kids.  I had actually just miscarried our first baby three months prior and I was still recovering mentally from that.  This trip has always held a special place in my heart because it felt like the start of a more positive state of mind for me… of finally being able to let go of my pain and move on.  Getting out of town was just what I needed.  This trip was also special because it was our last trip before getting pregnant with our sweet rainbow baby, also known as Jacob.  He was conceived just a few short weeks after we returned home.  :o)

We left on Friday, September 3, 2010 right after work, stopped at Chick-Fil-A for dinner, and then continued to the mountain house.  We arrived a little before midnight, which didn’t seem like a big deal back then, but now that we have kids and we’re old, that sounds really late to be arriving at a destination.  Lol.

The trip was a lot of fun because we (Brian and I) went with my mom, my dad, my two brothers, Zach and Alex, and my oldest brother’s girlfriend, Cheryl, plus my Aunt Joy and Uncle Greg and my two teenage cousins, Wil and Shelby.  It was a big group, but the house is gargantuan, so it held us all very comfortably. 

Upon arrival, I snapped a few pictures of the rooms before they became lived in and messy.  This is the bedroom where B and I stayed.

This is the master bedroom where my aunt and uncle stayed.

This is the suite downstairs where my parents stayed.

The kitchen.

The living room, including a happy B and a happy momma excited to finally be there!

Since it was so late when we arrived, we got settled in, spent a few minutes chatting in the living room, and then we went to bed. 

We woke up the next morning to this gorgeous view from the back deck.

And I snapped a few more pictures of the house in the daylight.

This is the view of the front entryway from the living room.

This is the outside front of the house.  (Most of the house hangs off of the mountain so you really can’t see too much of it from the road.)

This is the living room, and there is a massive deck off of the back of it that goes down the full length of the house.

My brothers and cousins found this moose head in a closet when we were unpacking, and just prepare yourselves, because you’re going to see a lot of it throughout this post.  Haha.

First up for Saturday morning was a family hike up the mountain.  It was a gorgeous day.  The weather could not have been anymore picturesque.  There was a chill in the air, the sky was blue, and the sun was shining. 

We stopped several times on the way up to take pictures and then we hiked back down. 

The first Georgia game of the season was on at noon, so we all hung out in the living room and watched that, and then I laid out on the back deck to read and catch some sun since it had warmed up.  And just for the record, I totally started the gold trend back in 2010 with my gold bikini.  ;o)  I think that was my favorite bathing suit ever.  <3

Later in the afternoon, we opened a couple of bottles of wine and settled in on the back deck and chatted for what seemed like hours.  It was so nice and relaxing.  Then my uncle pulled out the grill and prepared hamburgers for dinner while my cousin and brother serenaded us with Christmas songs.  Too early?  #IThinkNot  (Yes, I come from a long line of Christmas lovers… see why I’m so obsessed?)

While he grilled, we all hung out on the back deck to watch the sun set and the kids all pulled out that moose head and started taking silly pictures with it.  These make me laugh so hard.

The next morning we woke up bright and early to this view:

That’s fog over the lake.  So beautiful.

We had a quick breakfast, and then we headed to Carolina Outfitters near Bryson City, NC to go white water rafting on the Nantahala River.  It was a little over an hour of a drive to get there, and we arrived bright and early for our rafting trip.  We had to sit through a quick course on how to put on our equipment and how to maneuver the boat, and then we were off.

We did one of the guided tours and it was a very peaceful rafting trip.  Most of our time on the river was very serene and the water was very calm.  The big rapid is at the end and I was so scared.  I’m definitely not very adventurous when it comes to stuff like this, but I survived!  Check out the look on my face when we were going over the rapid!  Haha.  #Terrified

After rafting, we enjoyed lunch at the restaurant there on site and then we took in the other surroundings while also watching some of the other rafters come down the river.

We were all exhausted by the time we got back to the mountain house as it was an all day excursion, so we all showered, put on PJs, and cooked dinner again.  On the menu that night was breakfast!  Eggs, grits, bacon, and homemade pancakes.  I was the official flapjack!

After dinner, we all bundled up and went out on the deck to watch the sun set.  Once the sun was completely gone, we laid in sleeping bags and blankets and looked at the stars.  You can see a million of them in the clear mountain air.  We even saw a couple of shooting stars!  We all sang songs… I don’t even remember what all we sang, but for some reason the song “Airplanes” by B.O.B. and Hayley Williams from Paramore is the only one that sticks out in my mind.  That song was very popular at the time, and I’m sure we started singing it after we saw the shooting stars since they say that in the song.  I remember wishing on one of them, and all I wished for to be blessed with a healthy pregnancy as soon as possible, and I got my wish the very next month.  :o)

<And as a side note, I kid you not, the song "Airplanes" is literally playing as I type this.  I have not heard this song in ages, and it just so happened to come on the radio as I was finishing up this post.  What a freaky coincidence.>

The next morning was Monday, Labor Day, and we got up, cleaned up the house, and drove home… but not before stopping by some local shops to buy a souvenir frame for our travel gallery wall.

It was such a simple trip… not too far from home, nothing glamorous, and yet I’ll always remember it as one of my favorite trips of all time.  And I can’t wait to head back there next month and make more memories with my own little family… rainbow baby that I had wished for on that star, and baby girl who joined us a few years later in tow.   

God is good.

*Linking up with Our Pretty Little Girls for Tuesday Talk.