Dropping the Carry-On

I was recently in a heated discussion with a friend about an event that happened years ago. The details are irrelevant but he was still so upset about what happened. The actual issue was solved, no one lost money, no one got hurt, but he has been carrying this around for about a decade.

I told him that we could get the top class from Harvard, the brightest scientists from NASA, and the most talented business leaders from the Fortune 500, and we would be able to do nothing about changing the past. And it finally hit him. He agreed and discovered he was carrying around resentment or whatever it was because of ego. He was stuck in the spot where he was before this innocuous event occurred. It had absolutely nothing to do with what happened and everything to do with his reaction. 

Let it go

It got me wondering how often we do that. Big or small, something happens. And years later when it's no longer even important, we have galvanized a story in our minds of what may or may not have happened. Eckhardt Tolle once said the past is what we recall, the future will never arrive, and all we have is now.

It's true but not easy to grasp when you add in human emotions, winning or losing, and results. A friend used to say a phrase that made me upset which is - it will be whatever it is according to the outcome. Also true. But also hard to grasp.

Two guys, one girl, and a bike

So how do we let go of all this unnecessary emotional carry-on luggage in our lives? It seems if we just decide to drop it, it's dropped. It's akin to forgiveness. Once you forgive, you move on. It's done. We waste so much time trying to rewrite history and protect ourselves instead of moving on.

Think about the last time you recounted a story from your childhood to a friend. We humans have this tendency to exaggerate both negative and positive experiences. My friend David didn't break my bike, I did, but I told my mom it was his fault then convinced myself it was true. We were five. 

I met David for lunch years later and he brought up the story. He was laughing about how that bike was so important to me back then. He did steal my first girlfriend in grade two but I've been able to let that slide.

Less baggage does wonders for our journey.

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Detached From the Outcome

You really want the job. You are qualified, the phone screen call went well, you nailed the first interview, and waiting for the results of the second. You can hardly sleep. You know it’s yours. And then the call comes in – they made another choice, they picked someone else, you didn't get the gig.

Sure you’re upset, but is your desire for the position any different now because you didn't get it? On the surface, you may begin to poke holes in the company, how dare they be so stupid, they made the wrong choice, and actually you didn't want that job anyway, you’re way better off without it.

Attached to the outcome

The reasons you applied in the first place suddenly shift because of their decision. But if you look harder and ask yourself one deep honest question, you may understand something important. Are the reasons you went for it still valid?

This is hard work. We want what we want when we want it, but as you and I know, sometimes it doesn't go our way. The job, the relationship, the car loan, the fill in the blank. We go for it yet don’t get it. Do we keep going for it elsewhere or give up?

I have been writing on this site since 2008 with no need to know who reads the content. It's not for any other reason than to share my thoughts and write. I'm detached from the outcome. It has created some incredible personal and professional relationships along the way but it's still not the reason I'm here.

Keep making goals and dreams

If we are authentic and honest about what we want, the outcome may still go our way. In fact, most of the time it will. But it's hard not to try and force the result.

It’s much tougher with people we care about but no one can be told how to feel or what to do without their permission. So being secure in how we feel is detached from their response. It’s clearly easier said than done.

Something to think about the next time we wonder if the results are tied to our goals.
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Kneale Mann | People + Priority = Profit

aspire

Are You In Control?

We have choices to make every minute of our lives. And there is a growing suspicion that we should make them faster and more accurately. Time is money, we don’t have all day, the team is depending on it, and revenue will be affected.

Baba Shiv is the director of strategic marketing at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business. He has been studying behavior and neuroeconomics with a focus on motivation and emotion for many years.

Make Your Choice

Research has shown a counterintuitive fact about human nature which is sometimes having too much choice makes us less happy. Baba shares a personal story and some of his findings which measure why choice opens the door to doubt. He suggests that ceding control can often be the best strategy.

Some feel leadership is about being in charge and making the final call. But in a fully collaborative enterprise, responsibility can often be enhanced by allowing others drive choices. We may not want to be the one who makes all the decisions after all.


Kneale Mann

TED | Baba Shiv