Written-By-Numbers Drinking Game: Madlib Mystery Shows

It’s been a long time since our previous games, but it’s time for another written-by-the-numbers drinking game!

Yet again we are putting both our drinks cabinets and livers in severe jeopardy, now we’ve properly recovered it’s time to tackle another sobriety busting challenge: Madlib Mystery shows

Those shows which decide to keep us all in the dark as they tell an ever more evolving story without ever answering any questions. Lost, Leftovers, Under the Dome, 12 Monkeys, Alcatraz, Helix, Between, Fringe - and so many others. There are no shortages

While drinking copious amounts of vodka will not help you understand their plot lines, at least you have a legitimate reason for not understanding and it may convince you that shit isn’t just being thrown against a wall.

• Overarching Plot:
• +1 drink per episode where no new information is added to the Main Mystery
• Empty the glass if you reach the end of the first season with no new information
• Empty the bottle if you finish the second season and still have no new information
• Grab another bottle and empty it if you reach the end of the third season and still have no new information
• Open a brewery and proceed to drain it if you go beyond the fourth season and STILL HAVE NO FECKING ANSWERS
• +1 drink per blatant filler episode
• +1 drink per episode where the protagonist makes no effort to find any answer
• +1 drink per inexplicable action a character takes to make the mystery harder to solve
• Empty the damn glass if their action is never explained and they’re not an antagonist
• Refill the glass and empty again if they’re actually the protagonist trying to find answers

• Antagonists:
• + 1 drink if the motives of the antagonists is unknown after 5 episodes
• +1 additional drink for every episode after 5 where the antagonists still seem to be acting at random
• Empty the glass if you reach the end of the first season and still don’t have a clue why the antagonists are doing what they’re doing
• +1 drink if the the motivation is hopelessly vague (power without definition. Or Freedom”
• Empty the glass if the antagonists blatantly HAVE that already (so a super rich organisation that has a global conspiracy looking for power)
• Refill the glass and empty again if they literally couldn’t be antagonists without this quality they already have
• Empty the glass if you reach the midseason finale and still don’t know who the antagonists are
• Refill the glass and empty again if you reach the end of the first season and you’re still referring to the antagonists as “shadowy unknowns”
• +1 drink if you learn the antagonists names and someone has clearly sat down and TRIED to think of a sinister name
• +1 drink if “Shadowy Unknowns” would actually be a better name
• Empty the glass if major figures among the antagonists never get a damn name so you have to refer to them by descriptions all the time
• Empty the damn bottle if these masters of shadowy secrets STILL feel the name to exposition their entire plan and raise d’etre to the protagonist!
• Refill the bottle and empty again if they don’t even reasonably try to kill the protagonist quickly and easily
• + 1 drink if the antagonist is a shadowy secret organisation
• +1 drink per element that is ridiculous for a secret organisation
• +1 drink per huge, expensive, showy base
• +1 drink per celebrity member
• +1-3 drinks per ostentatious displays of wealth
• +1 drink per very public fight scene
• +1 drink per public landmark destroyed
• +1 drink per involvement in an industry that should have heavy government oversight

Fangs for the Fantasy Podcast: Episode 66

This week we discuss the season finales of Vampire Diaries and Once Upon a Time and celebrate the demise of Secret Circle! We lament at Alcatraz being cancelled. We also discuss A Game of Thrones

We discuss out book of the week – City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare. And Tami is still reading her porn.

Alcatraz: Episode 13: Tommy Madsen

It’s finally here, the Alcatraz finale! And we start with Rebecca injured and lying on the floor. Yes, it’s another one of those annoying film tricks where they show us the ending then make us skip back to see the story. Did I mention how much I hate this tool?

 In the past we see a new inmate – Joe Limerick, apparently very cold in Alcatraz who apparently tried to swim to shore. And apparently Warden James listed him as dead – even filled out a death certificate for him. His paperwork says he’s dead.

Meanwhile we Tommy Madsen being strapped down and getting a blood transfusion – after all the time they took blood from him. And interestingly we have a new doctor to do it – not Beauregard or Sangupta. The blood going back in hurts him, causes him to taste metal and causes him to seize.

He wakes up in a very ritzy hotel with Warden James – wondering if he’s died and gone to heaven (really, if that is your idea of heaven you need to open your imagination a little bit). He’s alive and has a lot of silver in him – and Warden James has plans for him. Plans which involve giving him a perfect day in San Francisco. He wants to see his son – but his son doesn’t recognise him. Madsen decides then what he wants from the Warden – his brother, Ray (the hidden prison guard) to adopt his son – he also confesses to his crime to convince his brother to take on his son rather than try and rescue him from Alcatraz.

In the secret room, Warden James consults with his scientist and they can see that they can track Madsen wherever he goes. And Warden declares that Madsen is their advance man

In the present Rebecca is talking to her ex-police captain trying to figure out why Tommy Madsen (her grandfather) killed her partner – why did he come back from running away expressly to kill him? And she learns that her partner was under an IA investigation due to suspicious payments from Simmon’s company – the ex-inmate of Alcatraz

Lucy Banerjee is questioning Beauregard about what was done to the prisoners and the silver being placed into their blood, but both of them were kept in the dark in the past. The silver emits a signal but attaches itself to the platelets in the blood and cannot be separated from it. Lucy also considers exactly what she feels for Hauser – who has lived almost a lifetime without her.

Meanwhile at a psychiatric facility, Joe Limerick is trying to check in – telling them he’s an inmate from 1963 with bad bad people chasing him. Possibly one of those bad people, Tommy Madsen is breaking into a house and holding a man at gun point. The little girl sees this and runs away, giving the police a picture of Tommy which, of course, ends up in the hands of the Scooby Gang. After questioning the child they go to the home

The captured man (Michael) manages to escape and have a bit of a gun fight with Tommy, which he loses and is wounded. The Scooby Gang arrives to find him wounded and alone. Tommy has got away with Michael’s wife, Georgia Bradley and makes her sew up a bullet wound he took to the leg (Tommy is apparently very confident of his silver healing abilities)

Hauser has a clandestine meeting with a soldier on a private jet – wanting to speak to Simmonds (the Alcatraz inmate billionaire) and they both wonder whether Warden James himself has returned yet. A plot that poses more questions than answers (going to Paraguay?) but he is ordered to brief his team (Hauser’s boss?)

Alcatraz: Episode 12: Garrett Stillman

In the Past the ultra creepy Warden James is playing chess with an inmate – Garrett Stillman – a man in prison for robbing armoured trucks who is known for his brilliant mind and long term planning.

There’s a parole board hearing that Warden James insists Garrett attends.  To witness Harlan Simmon’s parole hearing that is denied – because the man up for parole spreads contraband in the prison and deputy warden Tiller gets a cut of the profits – so there’s no way Tiller will allow him to be paroled. Warden James takes issue with this and intends Garrett to help him deal with this by stealing the parole board’s recommendation and replace it with a more favourable report. In return Garrett gets the contraband network.

Garrett’s plan is very involved and complicated to exchange the papers for a forgery which is clever and elegant. I especially love how Tiller thought he outsmarted Garrett – but oh no, no he did not. I liked that a lot, I confess. I do like to see some good cunning. Simmons is paroled – and leaves with a number of one of Warden James’s friends. And we see the Warden with a key

We start in the modern world with Lucy Bannerjee (Dr. Sangupta) actually awake! At last! She’s looking at several recorded interviews of recaptured 63s when Hauser comes to check on her. Dr. Beauregard is trying to keep her on bed-rest but Lucy is determined to tell Dr. Soto and Rebecca about her. Hauser and Beauregard disagree with her. Heh, that doesn’t work with Rebecca and it certainly doesn’t work with Lucy

Dr. Soto and Rebecca are both discussing exactly what it means with Lucy as a 63 when no-one told them about it when she turns up to talk to them. Hauser quickly flees when it becomes clear that Lucy is going to spill all the beans whether he wants to or not (can I say how much I love it that Hauser, who has been so in control and utterly ruling Rebecca and Soto even when they disagree with him is, in turn, utterly helpless in the face of Lucy’s insistence).

She apologises to both of them for lying to them and tells them that, yes, she did know them all in the past and that her role was to help the inmates in the past, trying to redeem them. She also has a powerful description of what it was like to jump from 63 to the present, how the people she knew had lived entire lives without her and how she couldn’t really go back into their lives after such a gap.

Alcatraz: Episode 11: Webb Porter

In the past Dr. Sangupta is talking philosophy with Emmerson Hauser prison guard, much much younger. There seems to be an essence of romance developing there.  We even get them on a  date later in a jazz bar. So Dr. Sangupta hasn’t aged but Hauser has. Still, Dr. Sangupta has a job to do and Warden James wants her to check out genius inmate Webb Porter, a serial killer who killed his mother (who tried to drown him as a child) and several other women. He’s a permanent residence of the infirmary and apparently disturbed. Dr. Sangupta makes an instant diagnosis of tinnitus, because she’s that good.

Using music to drown his tinnitus, Dr. Sangupta talks to Webb about when his mother tried to drown him, pulling up his memories. That was a well acted scene, I have to say. Then they can take him to the music room to play the music in his head – and he is, as Dr. Sangupta puts it, a savant, able to play the violin extremely well extremely quickly.

With Dr. Sangupta’s therapy they manage to return Webb to the general population – though the inmates are worried about him screaming all night and keeping people awake as he used to. He doesn’t scream, he plays the violin instead which calms the population. Dr. Sangupta watches on in pride – but Dr. Beauregard says Dr. Sangupta is the Warden’s new toy – something that disturbs her (not least of which because Warden James is epicly creepy)

So we begin in the present with what may be the worst idea ever – Dr. Soto stealthily stalking Hauser. And Hauser in a strange, Asian-themed room taking pills and getting massage. Dr. Soto also checks out Lucy (modern Dr. Sangupta) and realises that Hauser has had her moved from the hospital she was in

And Webb Porter, the criminal of the week, is playing the violin, running a bath – and has kidnapped a woman who he then drowns in the bath.

Rebecca and Nikki are enjoying a night out but, alas, finding the body of the woman leads to them being called out (well Nikki being called out and Rebecca tagging along because, well, clearly this woman has no social life). The body shows she’s been tied up for several days, her hair has been cut off (and taken) and her broken nail shows she’s managed to hurt Webb at least. Now it’s to the Alcatraz Cave to decide whether this is a 63 or not (and be scolded by Hauser for following him). The blood under the nail has colloidal silver in it – which points to a ’63 involvement. And it’s a match for Dr. Sangupta/Lucy Banerjee

Webb moves on to his next victim, playing the violin on her porch, then complimenting her hair… then the kidnapping. It seems he’s using their hair in his bows for his violin (I don’t know if human hair would even work like that, but suspend disbelief). Unfortunately, Webb’s audition doesn’t go well – he plays extremely well but can only play the music in his head, not the music on paper. And he blames his failure on the woman he kidnapped whose hair he used in his bow.

Urban Fantasy: Escapism When the Real World has too Many Minorities

Erasure is one of the more prevalent phenomenons in urban fantasy. Many times we hear the excuse that because a book is set in a rural town that the percentage of the population comprised of historically marginalized people is so insignificant as to make inclusion pointless. We want to make it utterly clear here that this is not an excuse either and any erased book can be extremely damaging. Inclusion is never pointless, and even in rural areas, marginalized people live and prosper. 

When the story moves from a rural area to a larger city, there is even less justification for exclusion and, at times, it becomes nothing short of farcical. If you have a story and choose to set it in a place like Toronto, Chicago, Atlanta, Las Vegas, San Francisco, New York, Vancouver, Montreal, London, Manchester, Brighton etc., population demographics quite obviously indicate the presence of historically marginalized people.  To some degree to read and enjoy urban fantasy, one must suspend belief, however to be expected to just accept that marginalized people don’t exist is not about suspending belief; it’s an exercise in privilege.

Atlanta appears in several books and series, it’s one of the Urban Fantasy hubs we’ve noticed. Now, real world Atlanta has a whole lot of POC, and specifically a large African-American population. There are also a significant number of GBLT people, yet on The Walking Dead, we are presented thus far with complete GLBT erasure and two token men of colour. This is made problematic because we are dealing with dystopian fantasy and this then suggests a genocide.  Ilona Andrews’ wonderful Kate Daniels’ Series? Again, token inclusions. What happened? Do zombies love the taste of black people? Did the magic wave decimate GBLT people and POC?

Las Vegas also makes a regular appearance in Urban Fantasy - Vicki Pettersson’s Zodiac Series is entirely in Las Vegas and how many POC? Well, in the real Las Vegas, that would be more than half the population. In fiction? Let’s just say you won’t need to use both hands to count - and you don’t have to worry about holding your breath for their complete screen time.

Alcatraz: Episode 8: Clarence Montgomery

So Clarence Montgomery, the first POC inmate we’ve seen. And we begin with him at a swanky auction then joyriding with a beautiful woman in a golf buggy. Ok, whatever he’s guilty of, pardon him now because he’s already declared several kinds of awesome.

Except the awesome is interrupted by some odd flashes and then Clarence carrying her body with its throat cut – and him wondering who did it.

In the past we flash back to a racially segregated Alcatraz and Clarence tasting food for Warden James. And we learn that Clarence is a chef with an expert palette and that, despite segregation, Warden James wants him to cook for everyone.  Something he’s apparently very good at – judging by Warden James’ excellent line “put the seamstress on alert, my waistline’s in jeopardy”

Except, of course, the white inmates won’t eat the meal Clarence has prepared and quickly a fight breaks out – and Clarence is beaten.

Clarence has an interview with Dr. Sangupta where she talks about him working as a chef in an all white country club and his girlfriend (the owner’s daughter) having her throat cut, but Clarence is very clear that its his race that resulted in him being arrested. But later he gets a far worse experience with Dr. Beauregard with electroshock therapy apparently intended to make him admit to being guilty.

Except it seems to have the opposite effect, making the innocent man more stab happy. Well done Dr. Beauregard. Or, rather, this was intentional on the part of Dr. Beauregard and Warden James

In the modern world, Dr. Soto is doing his detective thing – and connects the dead woman with Clarence. Just as we see Clarence seeking refuge with a friend, Emmet Little, who was in Alcatraz with him – but someone who hadn’t leaped through time. Clarence also appears to have been an innocent man in Alcatraz, which is definitely a new one.

At the murder scene we gather the Scooby gang to do some investigating. But no witness can identify Clarence as the murderer and the pathologist examining the bodies is certain that past and present victims were not killed by the same person – different methods despite the same body position. But the killer must have copied Clarence’s alleged ancient crimes and know a lot about them. They get to meet up with Emmet Little and are told that Clarence was innocent of his past crime – but through the medicine Clarence is taking, the pathologist identifies one of Clarence’s hairs left on the modern victim’s body.

Alcatraz: Episode 10: Sonny Burnett

In the past we have Sonny Burnett, a new arrival at Alcatraz and a kidnapper for ransom – kidnapper with a shotgun no less. And he apparently has money hidden still, money he offer’s the prison’s big bad in exchange for protection.

Unfortunately, the money wasn’t where he said it would be and the person he hired to protect him stabbed him many times instead. This was a poor investment methinks and he ends up in the infirmary with Dr. Beauregard being both amusing and cynical

Warden James wants to give him more time in solitary before going back but Tiller wants to throw him right back in to force him to “adapt”. Y’know Tiller, you can be evil, heartless and cruel but you’ll still not be a tenth as creepy as Warden James. And Warden James impressively gives him a creeptastic smackdown. Tiller, most displeased, tells Burnett he has to be a predator – or he will be prey.

So begins his training regime while in solitary to become as strong as he can – then he comes out and attacks someone who the protection-giver was protecting. A clear challenge. But Tiller seems determined to get him up to that challenge and encourage him to become stronger and more vicious. Which leads to him putting out his attacker’s eyes – far worse than killing him in Alcatraz – and we seem to have a definite threat from Tiller to Warden James. Oh Tiller, you’re hitting above your weight there, Tiller.



In the present Ray, Rebecca’s uncle and the man who raised her, ex-cop, is having a meeting with Hauser – to get Rebecca out of the Alcatraz programme. Hauser is less than pleased and also points out that he knows Ray has seen Tommy Madsen.  Rebecca’s grandfather. We then cut to Rebecca who is still haunted by nightmares of Tommy Madsen killing her partner. Drama and angst incoming

Ray has a hard time convincing Rebecca that he hasn’t seen Tommy and doesn’t know where he is as well. He really needs to work on those tenses. Rebecca doesn’t use her influence to make Hauser stop watching Ray – she wants to know if Tommy shows as well. Smooth, Ray, smooth.

Speaking of drama, 1 bloke from the extra’s department just got messily shot with a shotgun by Sonny Burnett, one of the 63s. And kidnapped the person driving with him who is worth a lot of money as the husband of a company founder.

In comes Dr. Soto, Rebecca and Hauser to investigate – Hauser playing tough guy over his bullet wound (heh, and Dr. Soto saying he’s not human) and Dr. Soto pointing out that Burnett never murdered people in his kidnappings in the past. Time to interview the wife, Mrs. Hellen Campbell and founder of the company – and it turns out she was kidnapped by Sonny Burnett as well, when she was 14. Nice spooky connection there.

Alcatraz: Episode 9: The Ames Brothers

This week we follow the Ames brothers – Pinky and Herman Ames. Inmates in the past who are reputed to have tried to escape Alcatraz.  And we get to see the plotting behind it – including picking Warden James’s keys and make impressions of them at church services and some crafty – and gruesome – methods of replicating the keys.

In fact the plot, involving one of the guards, Donovan, is crafty and clever throughout involving not just the gruesome kitchens, but deliberately being taken to the hold.  I’m impressed, yes yes I am. Except Warden James is waaay ahead of them and is as clever as he is creepy as he is ruthless. The plan also fails because his most precious keys don’t lead to the gold – but to something else (the secret rooms where he does his experiments, I assume)

This leads to the new guard entering Warden James’ trust – but this guard is Tommy Madsen’s brother (the grandfather of Rebecca) who is seeking an answer to what they are doing to tommy Madsen and the other men in the medical wing


In the modern world we have Dr. Soto and Rebecca spying on Hauser’s scientists. These two are really starting to bounce off each other well. Unfortunately for the scientist they’re spying on, the power goes out in a storm, the CCTV goes haywire – and Pinky Ames is waiting in one of the cells with a large, heavy weapon – bolt cutters. And Dr. Soto falls into the hands of Herman Ames and becomes the brothers’ hostage. They need him to update their old map of Alcatraz – seeking gold buried under it still.

Dr. Soto is locked in the hole but has amazing cell phone reception that allows him to get a guide on how to open the hold but not to escape.

Alcatraz: Episode 8: Clarence Montgomery

So Clarence Montgomery, the first POC inmate we’ve seen. And we begin with him at a swanky auction then joyriding with a beautiful woman in a golf buggy. Ok, whatever he’s guilty of, pardon him now because he’s already declared several kinds of awesome.

Except the awesome is interrupted by some odd flashes and then Clarence carrying her body with its throat cut – and him wondering who did it.

In the past we flash back to a racially segregated Alcatraz and Clarence tasting food for Warden James. And we learn that Clarence is a chef with an expert palette and that, despite segregation, Warden James wants him to cook for everyone.  Something he’s apparently very good at – judging by Warden James’ excellent line “put the seamstress on alert, my waistline’s in jeopardy”

Except, of course, the white inmates won’t eat the meal Clarence has prepared and quickly a fight breaks out – and Clarence is beaten.

Clarence has an interview with Dr. Sangupta where she talks about him working as a chef in an all white country club and his girlfriend (the owner’s daughter) having her throat cut, but Clarence is very clear that its his race that resulted in him being arrested. But later he gets a far worse experience with Dr. Beauregard with electroshock therapy apparently intended to make him admit to being guilty.

Except it seems to have the opposite effect, making the innocent man more stab happy. Well done Dr. Beauregard. Or, rather, this was intentional on the part of Dr. Beauregard and Warden James

In the modern world, Dr. Soto is doing his detective thing – and connects the dead woman with Clarence. Just as we see Clarence seeking refuge with a friend, Emmet Little, who was in Alcatraz with him – but someone who hadn’t leaped through time. Clarence also appears to have been an innocent man in Alcatraz, which is definitely a new one.

At the murder scene we gather the Scooby gang to do some investigating. But no witness can identify Clarence as the murderer and the pathologist examining the bodies is certain that past and present victims were not killed by the same person – different methods despite the same body position. But the killer must have copied Clarence’s alleged ancient crimes and know a lot about them. They get to meet up with Emmet Little and are told that Clarence was innocent of his past crime – but through the medicine Clarence is taking, the pathologist identifies one of Clarence’s hairs left on the modern victim’s body.

Alcatraz: Episode 7: John Mckee

We open with the mysterious threesome. Emerson Hauser and Dr. Beauregard are standing over the comatose form of Lucy Banerjee/Dr. Sangupta who will not wake up. I am so curious about these three –how much does Hauser know? And how come Beauregard and Banerjee be in both the past and the present without having aged? These constant hints, clues and mysteries in Alcatraz really make the show. Dr. Beauregard suggests Emmerson read to her to try and encourage her to wake up – give her a reason to. But it’s far too emotional for Emmerson. I’m impressed, this episode started with such an emotionally powerful scene.

And this weeks’ villain is Johnny McKee, a poisoner who likes playing with cyanide and wiped out most of his high school reunion back in the day. And in Alcatraz poisoning his preferred targets as well – and in the present day bar patrons, a swimming pool and… the subway

He quickly comes to the attention of Dr. Soto (playing Starcarft geek love) and his computer skills with his poisoning going viral on youtube so the chase is very quickly on. Starting with speaking to Jack Sylvane, the man they caught in the first episode who had the cell next to Mckee. Questioning him makes it abundantly clear the prisoners don’t know how they came back (and gives a hint to Rebecca about Beauregard and her grandfather giving blood all the time in Alcatraz – I love these little hints of the story coming together)

Alcatraz: Episode 1-6 Recap & Catch Up

In the year 1963, suddenly with no explanation, all of the prisoners and guards residing on Alcatraz suddenly disappear without warning or explanation. The government of course creates a cover up to explain the disappearances and no one is any the wiser until the prisoners start coming back and resuming their criminal activity in the present day.  The project to recapture the prisoners is highly classified and the government still has no idea who or what is behind the disappearances.

Det. Rebecca Madsen of the San Francisco police is drawn into the mystery first when her partner is killed and then again when she surreptitiously runs a finger print from a murder scene in which she had been removed, only to discover that it belonged to a man once housed at Alcatraz and had since been declared legally dead. To fill in her knowledge on Alcatraz, she contacts Dr. Soto, who has written a book on the infamous prison. Together they stumble upon the secret that the government has kept hidden for the last 49 years.  Emerson Houser, the leader of the top secret government task force, decides to bring Madsen more firmly into the case, and when she chooses Dr. Soto for her partner, he becomes her civilian advisor.

It turns out that Hauser might actually need Rebecca far more than she needs him.  It seems that her grandfather was once a prisoner at Alcatraz, and at one point, Hauser had even tried to hire her uncle, who was also a guard at Alcatraz to aid in the search for these returned prisoners.  There is definitely a connection between the Madsens and the mystery that is unfolding.